Original subtitles

How great do these new lamps look?

They're fantastic!

They are classy, yet casual.

Like the Kennedys playing touch football.

Seriously, I love them! Don't you love them?

Honey, I gotta level with you.

This is as excited as I get about anything I can't eat.

You know what I think?

I think they really finally pull together our beach theme.

Uh-huh. And what else in here says "beach" to you?

Uh, the starfish?

Quick, somebody braid my hair 'cause I'm in Jamaica.

Come on, let's fire up these bad boys!

All right.

(GROANS) Okay.

(SIGHS)

Well, that is quite lovely.

(CHUCKLING)

Mine doesn't work.

What?

Maybe it's the bulb. Switch bulbs with me.

Okay. All right.

Okay. This is gonna do it!

M'lady's bulb.

Thank you very much, kind sir!

All right, there we go.

Huh.

Wow!

Now it's even brighter than before, huh?

You must've had a 100-watter in there.

That's nice.

You should get a 100-watter, you know, when yours works.

(CHUCKLING)

What are you doing?

Reading under my new light.

We gotta get this fixed.

Yeah, we do.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

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in front

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in front of

in front of a

in front of a li

in front of a live

in front of a live s

in front of a live stu

in front of a live studi

in front of a live studio

in front of a live studio au

in front of a live studio audi

in front of a live studio audien

in front of a live studio audience

in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, babe. Hey.

What are you watching?

It's part 4 of A&E's History of the Blimp.

I TiVo'd it. Hey, you want to sit?

Yeah, you know, I'm gonna wait and watch it in hell.

Hey, you know, um, it's been like a week.

We really should get my lamp fixed.

Yeah, we should.

Yeah, we should.

You realize, of course, that it's just a random coincidence

that I got the broken one, right?

Oh, yeah, the chips did not fall your way.

I mean, we got two lamps, one works, one doesn't.

It's crazy. Lamps, huh? Am I right?

So we get his and hers lamps

and because mine is broken it is my problem?

It's not your problem, but hers is broken.

Excuse me?

Hers is broken,

and his is lit up like a fireworks display

on the Fourth of July.

(STAMMERING) It would just be nice if you just showed a little concern

because if it was your lamp that was broken

we'd be running back to the store to fix it right now.

Oh, now, that is not true.

The only reason why we haven't gotten it fixed

is because we're very busy

and it's hard to get things done.

Listen, honey, I am on your team.

I mean, I want you to have light, you know?

There is no joy without light

and there's no light without joy.

You know, I never want you to die, but when you do,

I'm putting that on your headstone.

Okay, how about this?

Until we fix it, you give me your lamp.

(INHALING)

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Why not?

Well, because I read books in bed and you read magazines.

Okay, first of all, I read books.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

I read... I read the, um...

The one where Tom Cruise is the lawyer.

The Firm?

Yes. Yeah.

Okay, you do realize that Tom Cruise wasn't in the book.

My point is I can read whatever I want

and I should have light to read it.

Yes, of course, you should and I would like to help you

it's just that we don't have the time!

And I hate that we don't.

I mean, our priorities are all out of whack,

and damn it, when did we get like this?

Okay, I gotta go.

Hey, did you guys see that blimp special on...

(EXCLAIMING) I'm TiVo'ing it!

Let me ask you guys something.

Joy and I, we got these new lamps for the bedroom.

It turns out that mine works and Joy's doesn't.

She keeps saying how we have to get it fixed.

So what do you think? My wife's nightstand.

Is it really my responsibility?

I say her side of the bed is her problem.

It's like Cuba. You go over there for sex and cigars.

Well, maybe Joy just wants to feel like you care.

I do care. Kinda like I care about global warming.

I mean, it's a real shame but quite frankly it's Al Gore's headache.

Thing is the ladies like to believe

that you're a team against the world.

And that's what marriage is all about.

I mean, it's like we don't like that we go to bed

at the same time as our wives every night,

even though we're not tired but we do it, right?

I mean, it's the cost of doing business.

I'm sorry.

Did you say that you and your wife

go to bed at the same time every night?

Yeah.

Everyone does that, right?

No.

That... That's not a thing?

That's a thing that you shouldn't tell other guys.

How long have you been doing this?

Our whole relationship. 10:30, lights out.

Like prison?

STEPH: I set the alarm.

You got five seconds before the hallway motion detectors get you.

(LAUGHING)

Yay, that was fun!

So, uh, I was talking to the guys at work

and I was telling them about how

we always go to bed together at the same time,

and they were asking why we do that.

Because we love each other.

Agreed.

Agreed. So much love. Um...

It just turns out that none of them do it.

So, guess I'm just pointing out something I learned today,

which is that not all grown men have a bedtime.

Are you saying you don't wanna go to bed with me?

No! No, no, no! No!

I'm just saying that it's not a thing, you know,

and I guess it would be nice if I had the option to,

you know, stay up, hang out...

And do what?

I don't know. Whatever the hell I want.

Adorable.

You've got five minutes.

(SIGHS)

What did you do, woman?

Nothing. My lamp just seems to be working now.

Why, what's up with yours?

Well, in a strange twist of events,

mine seems to be not working.

Huh.

Don't huh me, Joy Joy.

You switched the lamps!

I did not! It's just a freaky coincidence.

I mean, there's two lamps, one works, one doesn't.

Crazy. Lamps, huh? Am I right?

And let's just see now that you have a broken lamp

how fast you run right out to fix it.

You think you're pretty smart, huh?

I'm all right, yeah.

Well, you haven't proven anything

because I don't have the time to fix your lamp

and I don't have the time to fix mine.

Okay.

I'm very busy.

I guess you're gonna be in the dark for a while then.

I guess I will.

I'm a nice person.

So she switched your lamps?

Yep.

I know it and she knows it but I can't say anything.

It's like a chess match and she's one move ahead of me.

She's clever that way

like those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

The ones who learn.

Okay, well, I have an idea.

Now, this might sound crazy but hear me out.

Be a human being and get your wife's lamp fixed!

What are you, nuts? He can't do that!

He thinks I should get the wife's lamp fixed! That's crazy talk!

Karl, I'm eating ramen.

Take this one for me, will you?

Happy to.

He's on record as being too busy.

If he suddenly runs into the repair shop,

then he proves to Joy that he's the ass

who was only willing to fix his own lamp.

But he is an ass.

But nobody is saying it out loud.

This is insane.

Marriage isn't like a chess match

where you have to outmaneuver your opponent, okay?

It's about compromise and a healthy give and take.

Yeah, it's all very healthy.

How's your bedtime going?

(KARL CHUCKLES)

All right, so paint the picture for us, okay?

It's bedtime.

You've had your bubble bath, you've powdered your area.

You're not tired but you're trapped in bed.

So what do you do? You just lie there and watch TV?

Oh, my God!

You're not allowed to watch TV, are you?

No, it's just that the flicker bothers Steph.

But I have a radio with a TV band and headphones

so I can listen to as much TV as I want, so...

How good is Caroline in the City on a transistor radio?

It's funny.

(MAN TALKING ON TV) Ahh!

(RADIO STATIC)

WOMAN: The secret to our ham is a sweet honey glaze

for a tender smoked treat every time.

Add some crisp lettuce and sharp cheddar

and wash it all down with an icy cold root beer float.

I'm so very hungry.

(ALARM BLARING)

What's going on? Is somebody trying to break in?

No, no, no! I was trying to break out!

I want ham!

But we were sleeping!

No. No, Steph, you were sleeping.

I was very much awake but I can't move

because I'm in a 300 thread count prison!

(PHONE RINGING)

That's the alarm company. What is going on with you?

What is going on with me is you are not my bedtime sheriff.

Hello? Yeah, it's a false alarm.

See, I am a man, damn it!

Password is hot chocolate.

Wow.

I guess I didn't know how strongly you felt about this.

Well, I do.

I'm really sorry.

I don't know why this is so important to me.

I mean, maybe it's because my mom and my third stepdad Yoshi...

(SIGHS)

You know, the sushi chef.

They had this great relationship at first,

but then they just started drifting apart.

First they didn't go to bed together,

then they didn't eat together,

they went on different vacations,

and eventually it was just over.

The day he left, he kissed me on the forehead,

made me an eel and avocado roll,

and then I never saw him again.

Well, hey, hey, honey, that's...

That's not gonna happen to us because I love you.

I love you too.

You know what? This is crazy.

If you want a sandwich, go get a sandwich.

Oh, thank you!

You got five minutes.

I shouldn't have to fix your lamp.

I'm sorry, what was that?

I said I shouldn't have to fix your lamp.

I thought that you were too busy to fix my lamp.

Okay, you want to know the truth?

I wasn't too busy. I could've spent hours.

I could've spent days fixing your lamp.

But I simply chose not to

because I didn't care that you didn't have any light.

And why didn't I care?

Because it didn't affect me.

And there it is.

I know. I know it's taboo to say this

and we're supposed to be a team,

but you get to a certain point even in a marriage

where you cross a line and it's every man for himself.

Well, it is good to know how you feel.

You know what? It is good to know.

I feel liberated.

Fine.

I can only tell you that if it was your lamp that had been the broken one,

my first move would've been to go right back to the store

and get it fixed because I believe there is no line

when you love someone.

And I believe that love works in a very different, more self-involved way.

Thank you for clarifying that.

You're very welcome.

I'm going to go watch my blimp special now.

(TIVO BEEPING)

What happened to my blimp special?

Uh, I don't know. Maybe it got deleted.

It couldn't have gotten deleted.

I told TiVo to save it.

I checked the setting 10 times.

I love that show.

Tonight was a whole hour on

Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin, hot air bon vivant.

Did you do something to my blimp special, Joy?

I don't know. No.

What did you do to my blimp special?

Okay, you know what?

I deleted it because I needed to make room for something else.

If you say it was Rachael Ray

I'm burning this house to the ground.

Her turkey chili is in your belly right now!

I can't believe this!

A minute ago you were lecturing me and you're as bad as I am!

How could you delete my blimp special?

You know why I did it? I'll tell you why!

Because blimps are stupid!

Let's put an aircraft in the sky the size of a whale

that carries two people, one of whom is the driver!

Take it back! Blimps are enchanting!

I will not take it back!

Every man for himself! That's what you said, right?

See, hurts, doesn't it?

Well, you know what's gonna hurt?

How about this for every man for himself?

You know that smell you've been smelling

in your car for the last six weeks?

Well, it's part of an old hot dog.

I saw it on the floor

and I just didn't feel like bending down

so I kicked it under the seat!

Really?

Well, you know how you leave

all your dirty underwear all over the floor?

Well, sometimes I pick it up and I fold it

and I put it right back in the drawer

'cause I don't feel like washing it!

I've been doing that for years!

Oh, yeah?

Well, I lie and I say the video store doesn't have

that stupid little girly movie you want so we can get mine!

They do have The Devil Wears Prada!

There's a whole wall of The Devil Wears Prada!

Yeah? Well I glance at the caller ID

and I conveniently just miss all your mother's calls!

Oh, yeah? Well, I do that for your mom,

your dad, and sometimes you!

Well, you're doing it in dirty underwear!

Okay, you know that pizza we ordered

that you swore came with crazy bread?

It did. It did come with crazy bread.

And I ate it outside all by myself

and then I licked out the extra sauce

and I took that box and I buried it deep,

deep into the garbage can so you wouldn't know!

Crazy bread!

Sounds weird when you say it out loud.

Wow.

Yeah. Wow.

This is crazy.

Let me be the first to say that I'm sorry.

We are a team. We should be a team.

I know. We need to be a team.

Yes. We do. And we're gonna do it.

We're gonna be nice to each other

and we're gonna look out for each other.

Thank you for saying that.

I love you.

I love you too.

Silly.

And we should get this lamp fixed first thing tomorrow.

Yeah. We should.

(WHIRRING)

Blimps still stupid?

Yeah, you love it.