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JINGLE PLAYING)
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STEPH: 'Til Death
is filmed in front of
a live studio audience.
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00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,353
{\an8}Let me ask you something.
Is this shirt too small?
4
00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:24,891
{\an8}Not if you're
in a boy band.
5
00:00:29,629 --> 00:00:31,731
{\an8}Eddie, I just got that
for you six months ago.
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00:00:31,831 --> 00:00:33,433
{\an8}How is it that
you're 45 years old
7
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,668
{\an8}and you're still growing
out of clothing?
8
00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,905
{\an8}You know my pituitary gland
is a runaway train.
9
00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:41,608
{\an8}I kinda like it tight.
10
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:44,577
{\an8}You can tell it's
cold in here.
11
00:00:44,677 --> 00:00:46,713
{\an8}All right, well,
finish wrapping the
gift and let's go.
12
00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:48,214
{\an8}The sooner we get
to Jeff's party,
13
00:00:48,314 --> 00:00:49,682
{\an8}eat pasta and cake,
14
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:51,384
{\an8}the sooner I get back
here with my pants off
15
00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:54,454
{\an8}eating leftover
pasta and cake.
16
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,456
{\an8}How hard is it for you
to just try to enjoy
17
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:59,025
{\an8}this most basic
of social rituals,
18
00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,226
{\an8}the birthday party?
19
00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:02,128
{\an8}Well, it's extremely hard,
and I don't understand
20
00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:03,630
{\an8}this obsession the
Woodcocks have,
21
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,865
{\an8}having to celebrate
every milestone.
22
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:08,935
{\an8}I mean, what was that thing
we went to last year?
23
00:01:09,035 --> 00:01:11,071
{\an8}Jeff's birthday party.
24
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:14,340
{\an8}Exactly. I mean,
enough already.
25
00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:16,342
{\an8}Okay, we get it.
Your parents did it.
26
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:18,645
{\an8}Quit dancing
in the end zone.
27
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:21,614
{\an8}Here, all set.
You hold that.
28
00:01:21,714 --> 00:01:23,316
{\an8}Okay. What did we
get him, by the way?
29
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:24,617
{\an8}Lingerie.
30
00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:31,191
{\an8}It's for Steph to wear
and Jeff to enjoy.
31
00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:33,126
{\an8}Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
32
00:01:35,228 --> 00:01:36,896
{\an8}I'm off the gift.
33
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,265
{\an8}What? Why?
34
00:01:39,365 --> 00:01:41,568
{\an8}Why? A little something my
grandpa once taught me.
35
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:45,672
{\an8}Men do not give men
lacy panties.
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00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,374
{\an8}Okay, so you're really not
going to sign this card?
37
00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:50,477
{\an8}A dog saying
"Happy Arfday."
38
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,113
I'll be in the car.
39
00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:01,054
Oh, cool. Thanks, Karl.
40
00:02:01,154 --> 00:02:02,455
In your hands you hold
41
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:05,458
the world's most
powerful flashlight.
42
00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:08,595
Little heads up,
don't ever aim
it at a baby.
43
00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:13,266
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
44
00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:14,834
I'm sorry.
45
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:18,104
Excuse me. Excuse me.
I'm having
a little trouble
46
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:20,707
deciding between
the cobbler
and the sundae.
47
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,809
Would it be possible
to get both?
48
00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:24,310
Actually, the hosts
have agreed
49
00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:26,379
to pay for only one
dessert per person.
50
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,815
Uh-huh. Will they be
seeing an itemized bill
51
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:31,117
or just one big number?
52
00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:32,385
I think one big number.
53
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,920
Okay, we'll do this.
54
00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:38,424
Keep the desserts
coming until my head
hits the table, okay?
55
00:02:38,525 --> 00:02:40,160
Thank you all so much
for these gifts.
56
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:42,162
You know,
it's so thoughtful.
57
00:02:42,262 --> 00:02:43,663
Okay, got one more for ya.
58
00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:44,964
Ah.
59
00:02:45,064 --> 00:02:48,034
It's from me. Only me.
Not from Eddie.
60
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:52,639
That is correct.
That is not my gift.
61
00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:55,275
Eddie, you got
me a gift too?
62
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:57,877
(STUTTERING)
63
00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:01,014
Ah...
64
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:02,849
That is amazing.
65
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:04,184
I mean, most
guys will just
66
00:03:04,284 --> 00:03:05,485
let their wife
pick out a gift
67
00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:07,153
and then slap their
name on the card,
68
00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:09,055
but not this guy, uh-uh.
69
00:03:09,155 --> 00:03:10,223
JEFF: All righty.
70
00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:11,658
(JEFF CHUCKLES)
71
00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:17,530
Wow, Joy, thank you.
This is, uh...
72
00:03:18,164 --> 00:03:20,200
This is really pretty.
73
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:23,903
It's for Steph to wear
and for you to enjoy.
74
00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:26,306
Oh! Oh, I get it.
75
00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:29,209
That's good. Because
I would've looked
pretty strange walking
76
00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:33,012
through the neighborhood
carrying a giant
flashlight and wearing this.
77
00:03:34,514 --> 00:03:37,550
All right, well, uh,
last but not least,
78
00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:38,885
what do you got
for me, big man?
79
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:39,886
Bring it on!
80
00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:45,391
Well, um, my gift
is my good wishes
81
00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:49,262
and a hearty, healthy
happy birthday high-five.
82
00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:50,763
What up?
83
00:03:52,665 --> 00:03:55,568
Come on, don't leave me
hanging, my brother.
84
00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,273
That's what I'm
talking about!
85
00:04:00,373 --> 00:04:01,874
Right there.
86
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:18,391
This cobbler
is the bomb.
87
00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:25,098
Hey, hon.
Hey.
88
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:27,000
Going to sleep?
Yep.
89
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,002
Okay. There's just
something
I wanted to tell you
90
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,637
before you did.
91
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:32,739
Ba-bling.
92
00:04:34,707 --> 00:04:36,743
(EXCLAIMING)
93
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:44,550
Hey, why doesn't
Eddie like me?
94
00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:47,120
Okay, we're going
to need to work
on your dirty talk.
95
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,821
I'm sorry,
it's just that whole
96
00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:50,323
happy birthday,
high-five thing,
97
00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:51,891
that really bugged me.
98
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:54,127
Okay, well, how about
you try focusing on
99
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,763
what I'm about
to give you
for your birthday?
100
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:59,098
Okay. Hmm.
101
00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:07,106
It's just we're
neighbors, you know,
and we work together,
102
00:05:07,206 --> 00:05:10,209
and it's like I see
the guy every day.
103
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:13,713
It... It hurts.
104
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:15,748
Is it weird for a guy
to feel that way?
105
00:05:15,848 --> 00:05:18,318
When his wife
is straddling
him in lingerie?
106
00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:20,219
A little bit.
107
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,954
You know what, baby?
You're so right.
108
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,356
I'm sorry.
109
00:05:29,529 --> 00:05:32,165
You know, I already
got him a gift
for his birthday.
110
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,733
And I know he loves
old records.
111
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,001
I was walking by this
used record store
112
00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:37,003
and I saw this
Dean Martin album,
113
00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:38,671
Live at the Sands.
114
00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:40,873
It was like this neon light
flashing in my brain.
115
00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:43,743
Eddie! Perfect!
Eddie! Perfect!
116
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,346
You know what neon light
is flashing in my head?
117
00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:48,381
Jeff! Gay! Jeff! Gay!
118
00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:53,886
All right, mama's
closing up shop.
119
00:05:58,291 --> 00:05:59,759
I gotta tell you, Joy.
120
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,761
I made a terrible
mistake tonight.
121
00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,896
(SIGHS) You sure did.
122
00:06:03,996 --> 00:06:07,200
I'm at a point
in my life where I...
123
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:10,036
I can't eat multiple
desserts anymore.
124
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,175
Was it the
multiple desserts
125
00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:18,911
or was it the
soul-wrenching
discomfort
126
00:06:19,011 --> 00:06:20,279
that you created
in the room
127
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,915
with your happy
birthday high-five?
128
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:26,919
Don't leave me hanging!
129
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:29,756
What's up?
130
00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:35,695
I'm gonna go eat
a loaf of bread
131
00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:37,697
to settle my stomach.
132
00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:40,700
(DOORBELL RINGING)
133
00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:50,843
I need to punch your
husband in the throat.
134
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,280
Eddie, it's for you!
135
00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,851
What the hell is
wrong with you?
136
00:06:58,951 --> 00:07:00,753
My husband is lying
in bed heartbroken
137
00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:02,522
because of your
thoughtlessness!
138
00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:04,690
I am wearing very sexy
lingerie under this robe
139
00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:06,893
and the only thing he can
think about is you!
140
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,294
How did it fit,
by the way?
141
00:07:08,394 --> 00:07:11,798
Oh, it's great.
It's so soft.
I love the colors.
142
00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:13,166
I'm so glad because
I was worried
143
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,367
that you might think
it was tacky.
144
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:17,537
Tacky? No, it's classy.
I feel like a princess.
145
00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:19,138
You're an ass!
146
00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:22,241
Friendship is
a two-way street
147
00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:23,609
so you better
shape up, buster,
148
00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:25,645
because there's
a sweet, sensitive man
149
00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:27,146
over there who
adores you!
150
00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:28,848
Now I want you to march
next door right now
151
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:30,249
and apologize to him!
152
00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:31,451
No!
Why not?
153
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,753
Because he's not
my girlfriend.
154
00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:37,223
Just buy him a present
on the way to work tomorrow
155
00:07:37,323 --> 00:07:39,292
and please end
this madness.
156
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,793
Hey, you know,
I got an idea
for a present.
157
00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:42,261
Why don't I put on
that lingerie
158
00:07:42,361 --> 00:07:43,930
and then I'll just go
over there myself.
159
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:47,233
That'll make his day.
160
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:50,837
By the way, you owe
us $300 for all
the dessert you ate.
161
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:00,847
Hey, gang.
Hey, Karl.
162
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:02,648
Eddie.
163
00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:04,984
Well, well. Somebody's
having his own little
164
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:08,120
bring your vino to work day.
165
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,522
Oh, no, it's not
what you think.
166
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:11,257
Of course it isn't.
167
00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:13,793
But just for kicks,
let me tell you
how I might play it.
168
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,461
Go to the donut shop.
169
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:16,896
Grab one of those
insulated cups
170
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,664
with the adjustable straw.
171
00:08:18,764 --> 00:08:22,201
Fill it up to the
very top and just
teach, teach, teach.
172
00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:26,639
Well, it's not for me.
It's for Jeff.
173
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:29,375
Joy and Steph thought
that I hurt his
feelings last night,
174
00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:32,178
so I grabbed this bottle
out of my liquor cabinet.
175
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:34,780
Now Joy and Steph
will be happy,
176
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:36,816
Jeff will be happy,
177
00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:39,552
all the ladies in my
life will be happy.
178
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:42,688
Hey, Karl.
179
00:08:42,788 --> 00:08:44,457
Hey.
180
00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:46,492
Edward.
Hey, there he is.
181
00:08:47,793 --> 00:08:49,462
Happy birthday.
182
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:50,763
What's this?
183
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:52,899
It's an above ground pool.
184
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:54,433
What do you...
185
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,470
What do you think it is?
It's for your birthday.
186
00:08:57,570 --> 00:09:01,207
This is a Bordeaux
from the village
of Saint-Julien.
187
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:03,809
That's the village where
Steph and I honeymooned!
188
00:09:03,910 --> 00:09:05,211
(LAUGHING)
189
00:09:05,311 --> 00:09:07,346
Well, of course it is!
190
00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:10,116
Hey, let me tell
you something.
191
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:13,085
My eyes might've
been closed during
your slide show
192
00:09:13,185 --> 00:09:15,721
but my ears
and my heart were open.
193
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:21,327
Ed, this is such
a thoughtful gift.
Thank you.
194
00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:23,195
Oh, yeah, and by the way,
I'm sorry it was late,
195
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,830
I just had to special-order
this puppy.
196
00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:26,599
That's why you didn't have
anything at my party.
197
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:29,402
Exactly. I mean, don't you
think a friend like you
198
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:32,505
deserves more than
a birthday high-five?
199
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:37,209
While creative,
it would be
hurtful and mean.
200
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:41,247
You know what?
I actually...
I got you something too,
201
00:09:41,347 --> 00:09:44,050
and I was going to
return it today but...
202
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:50,189
This is Dean Martin,
Live at the Sands.
203
00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:52,358
I've been looking
for this for years.
204
00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:54,226
Yeah, I remember you
mentioning it
205
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,462
and I saw it
and I just thought of you.
206
00:09:56,562 --> 00:09:59,298
Hey, check this out.
207
00:09:59,398 --> 00:10:01,901
Oh, my... He signed it!
Uh-huh.
208
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:03,402
He signed it!
209
00:10:03,502 --> 00:10:07,406
This is the nicest
thing that anybody
has ever done for me.
210
00:10:07,506 --> 00:10:09,041
How about what
you did for me?
211
00:10:09,141 --> 00:10:10,910
What did I do for you?
212
00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,113
You special-ordered
the wine.
213
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:17,650
Oh, yes,
of course I did.
214
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:20,119
You know what?
I'll let you in
on a little secret.
215
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:22,855
Today is my
actual birthday.
216
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,424
Hey, how about you
and Joy come over tonight
217
00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:28,594
and we'll pop this baby open.
What do you say?
218
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:32,465
I think I'd like that
very much.
219
00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:34,133
Me too.
220
00:10:42,908 --> 00:10:45,478
I'll, uh, see
you at 6:00?
221
00:10:47,079 --> 00:10:48,414
6:00 it is.
222
00:10:54,620 --> 00:10:56,622
Twenty bucks says before
that bottle's empty
223
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,491
you guys are making out.
224
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,763
Babe, I'm home!
225
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,164
EDDIE: Hey!
226
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:06,899
Oh, my God,
work was brutal.
227
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,135
I thought this day
would never end.
228
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:10,269
Well, you thought right.
229
00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:11,971
Pop those Easy
Spirits back on
230
00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:14,106
'cause we're going
to the Woodcocks'.
231
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:16,609
We were just with
them last night.
232
00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:18,144
Yeah, I know but I
took your advice
233
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:19,645
and I gave him
a bottle of wine.
234
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:21,781
And it turns out today
is Jeff's actual birthday
235
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:23,849
so he invited us over
to drink it with him.
236
00:11:23,949 --> 00:11:24,884
(SIGHING)
237
00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:26,352
Unbelievable.
238
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:27,553
We are dealing with
a grown man
239
00:11:27,653 --> 00:11:31,991
who physically cannot stop
celebrating his birthday.
240
00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:34,326
I'm flattered that you
took my advice, though,
and bought him a gift.
241
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,028
Well, I actually
didn't buy it.
242
00:11:36,128 --> 00:11:39,965
I just grabbed a bottle
out of your little
medicine cabinet there.
243
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:42,034
What? Which bottle?
244
00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:43,903
Uh, the Bordeaux
or whatever.
245
00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:45,337
What?
246
00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:46,772
Relax! You still
have enough left
247
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:49,542
to make it through
a nuclear winter.
248
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,144
Eddie, that Bordeaux
was worth $1,000.
249
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,730
Come again?
250
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:13,532
I got it from my aunt's
house, when she died.
Don't you remember?
251
00:12:13,632 --> 00:12:15,968
No, I don't remember!
I don't even remember
you having an aunt.
252
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:19,538
He's going to be opening
that bottle tonight, Joy!
253
00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:23,476
Oh, my God. I can't
believe you gave away a
20-year-old bottle of wine.
254
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:24,744
Yeah, you're right.
I should've known
255
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,512
that a bottle of wine
doesn't last in this house
256
00:12:26,612 --> 00:12:30,216
for more than
an hour and a half.
257
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,351
You have to ask for
that bottle back.
258
00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:34,353
{\an5}(STAMMERING)
I can't.
Why not?
259
00:12:34,453 --> 00:12:36,856
Because he gave
me a signed copy
260
00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:39,458
of Dean Martin,
Live at the Sands!
261
00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:42,628
I don't care if he
gave you a kidney.
262
00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:45,064
Do you understand what
that bottle meant to him?
263
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:47,767
I mean, he and I,
we had a moment there.
264
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:52,037
Was it a $1,000 moment?
265
00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:55,641
I don't want to put
a price on it but there
was a lot of magic.
266
00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:00,980
Eddie, we have to get
that bottle back.
267
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,882
I know we do but it's
not going to be easy!
268
00:13:02,982 --> 00:13:04,817
I don't want to hurt
his feelings.
269
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:06,485
I thought you didn't care
about other guys' feelings.
270
00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:08,354
Well, I didn't,
but I gave him some wine
271
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,555
and he gave me
my favorite record
272
00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:11,490
and I lied to him
right in his face!
273
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:14,660
Don't you see?
We're in a
relationship now.
274
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:26,772
Did you know this wine
is worth $987?
275
00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:29,975
Really?
276
00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:32,878
Oh, my God. Eddie
frickin' loves me.
277
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:36,782
Hey, honey, crazy thought.
278
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:39,885
What if, instead of drinking
this delicious French wine,
279
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:45,724
we sell it and with
the proceeds actually
go to France.
280
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:49,061
I don't know, sweetie.
I don't think
I could do that.
281
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:51,564
Why not? It's $1,000.
282
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,934
Remember how you
freaked out when you
found $5 in your jeans?
283
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:57,770
Hey, this is a lot
more than that.
284
00:13:57,870 --> 00:14:00,539
Okay, it is a lot of money
but you don't understand
285
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:03,742
the effort Eddie put into that
and how thoughtful he was.
286
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,445
Not to mention that
I actually invited him
over to drink it with us.
287
00:14:06,545 --> 00:14:09,582
I mean, how can we
possibly get out of that?
288
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,083
I mean, seriously,
start throwing out ideas,
289
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,953
because I'm really into
that France thing.
290
00:14:15,387 --> 00:14:20,359
Oh, my God, our wine is
blowing up on eBay.
291
00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:23,262
WineLady53 must
have a pretty serious
drinking problem
292
00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:26,932
because she's been
bidding against herself
for the past 25 minutes.
293
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,701
(SNICKERS)
294
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:29,802
You're sure they're
going to believe
295
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:32,104
that this is the bottle
of wine he gave me?
296
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:35,174
Just wrap a napkin
around it, pour it quick,
and stay cool.
297
00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:38,544
And if things start
getting hairy,
keep your lies simple.
298
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:41,080
You dress 'em up,
you'll mess 'em up.
299
00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:45,985
Remember that if
that corkscrew
300
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:47,753
hits the top of that
bottle we are dead,
301
00:14:47,853 --> 00:14:49,588
so we have to make
the switch with
the decoy bottle
302
00:14:49,688 --> 00:14:50,823
before that happens.
303
00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:52,825
Okay, does this one
look like the
bottle we gave him?
304
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:55,160
Don't worry. Just throw
one of those giant paws
305
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:57,463
over the label, pour quickly,
and focus on the money.
306
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:58,597
Okay.
307
00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:00,466
ALL: Hey!
308
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,835
Happy birthday,
part deux!
309
00:15:05,104 --> 00:15:06,272
Oh, boy.
310
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:08,874
Wow.
311
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:11,710
There's that delicious
bottle of wine.
312
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:15,547
May I hold it?
313
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:17,783
You know what?
Why don't I open it,
314
00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:20,085
and you guys can
help yourselves
315
00:15:20,185 --> 00:15:21,854
to some lovely cheese?
316
00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:23,255
Terrific.
Okay.
317
00:15:23,355 --> 00:15:25,824
You know what?
You can eat it over here.
318
00:15:26,458 --> 00:15:28,861
Okay, well... All right.
319
00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:31,196
Wow, is that
a beautiful corkscrew!
320
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,032
I don't think I've ever
seen one like this.
321
00:15:33,132 --> 00:15:35,034
Of course, I know it's
made out of plastic
322
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:37,903
but gosh, I'd swear
it was whale bone.
323
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:39,672
(BELL RINGING)
324
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,340
Ah! That's my roast.
325
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,709
Honey, pour me
a nice big glass.
326
00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:45,544
Okay.
327
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:48,013
Eddie, I just need
the corkscrew, so...
328
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:53,285
You know, in, um...
In some Native
American cultures,
329
00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:56,689
opening your own wine
on your birthday
330
00:15:56,789 --> 00:16:01,560
means the wind will
stop for 100 years.
331
00:16:03,662 --> 00:16:04,930
Here, give me the bottle.
332
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:07,166
Okay, you know what?
Let me, um...
333
00:16:07,266 --> 00:16:10,936
Let me just tighten up
Superman's cape here.
334
00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:12,304
Okay, the cape.
335
00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:16,108
And uh, just do me a
favor and keep that on.
336
00:16:16,208 --> 00:16:17,376
Okay, I will indeed.
337
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:18,644
Great. Great.
338
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:20,145
Okay.
All right.
339
00:16:20,245 --> 00:16:25,617
I have the corkscrew
now, Joy, and I
will open the bottle.
340
00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:31,890
I have no choice
but to open it.
341
00:16:33,592 --> 00:16:35,194
And here we go.
342
00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:39,231
Look, there's something
there on my glass.
343
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:42,001
What is...
344
00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:45,170
There's spit all
over this thing.
345
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:48,974
I should've gotten
you a dishwasher
for your birthday.
346
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:51,677
You know what,
um, I will...
I'll go get a new one.
347
00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:56,048
Um, Eddie, remember,
keep the cape on.
348
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:59,985
Okay, you got it.
Take your time,
birthday boy.
349
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:02,254
All right.
Give me the thing.
350
00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:05,624
The cape, the cape.
The cape!
351
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:08,627
Yeah. The cape.
The cape is on.
352
00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:10,129
This is not
my dead aunt's wine.
353
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:11,130
How do you know?
354
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:13,899
Because ours was not
made by Alex Trebek!
355
00:17:17,002 --> 00:17:19,071
Are you saying they
changed the
bottles on purpose?
356
00:17:19,171 --> 00:17:21,573
Well, why would they
switch the bottles?
357
00:17:21,673 --> 00:17:23,609
They didn't know
what it was worth.
358
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:26,311
Oh, my God, they know
what it's worth.
359
00:17:26,412 --> 00:17:28,047
The sneaky little bastards.
360
00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:29,782
Okay, give me their wine,
361
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,484
take this one, put this one
back in your purse.
362
00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:35,854
Okay, I've got a
new glass, sans spit!
363
00:17:36,955 --> 00:17:39,558
All right, who's ready
to celebrate?
364
00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:40,692
Not I.
365
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:42,895
Why not?
366
00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:48,233
Maybe because
this is not the wine
that I gave you.
367
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:49,435
(GASPS)
368
00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:51,637
Wait, what?
369
00:17:53,705 --> 00:17:55,007
You mean,
you didn't give us
370
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:58,277
Alex Trebek's Cabernet
Royale dessert wine?
371
00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:03,115
Steph, did you put out
the wrong bottle?
372
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,587
I put out the one
you gave me.
373
00:18:08,687 --> 00:18:10,889
All right, the jig
is up, Woodcocks.
374
00:18:10,989 --> 00:18:12,825
Where's the bottle?
375
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:16,195
I don't know, Eddie,
I mean, you see,
my car broke down
376
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:19,198
and then there was this
trucker who had a monocle
and this three-legged dog.
377
00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:20,966
(WHISPERING)
Simple! Simple!
378
00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:23,068
Listen, I know what's
going on here.
379
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,804
You found out how
expensive our wine is
380
00:18:25,904 --> 00:18:27,172
and you don't want
to share it with us.
381
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:28,841
But that's not true!
382
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,543
You probably want to sell it.
383
00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:33,312
That's not true!
384
00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:40,018
I am hurt that you
put a price tag
on our friendship.
385
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,323
You know what?
You're right.
386
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:47,860
This is ridiculous.
I'm a jerk!
387
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,028
Jeff, what are
you doing?
388
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,531
France, France,
France, France...
389
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:54,867
Eddie, I'm sorry.
390
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:58,570
You put so much thought
and effort into this
391
00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:02,207
and here I am selfishly
trying to keep it to myself.
392
00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:06,111
It would mean so much to me
if you would do the honors.
393
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:07,913
Go ahead, pop it.
394
00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:11,083
You know what? No.
395
00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:12,985
I gave you this
wine with love
396
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:15,854
and you turned it
into a wine of hate.
397
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:24,763
I'm having a lot of feelings
right now and I've...
398
00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:26,131
I've gotta go home
and process this.
399
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:27,432
No, no, no, no!
Eddie, come on!
400
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:28,934
Please, please,
please stay!
401
00:19:29,034 --> 00:19:31,370
It's still a love wine!
402
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:32,437
It's a hate wine now.
403
00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:33,572
No, it's a love wine!
404
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:34,806
Hate wine!
Love wine!
405
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,876
Oh, come on, it was
my dead aunt's wine!
406
00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:41,680
He didn't even buy that
wine for you at all!
407
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:43,315
Yes, he did!
He special-ordered it!
408
00:19:43,415 --> 00:19:45,150
No, he did not!
409
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:47,019
He just reached into
the cabinet
410
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:48,854
and got the first thing
that he could find.
411
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:51,056
If he would've reached
a few inches over,
412
00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:54,560
you'd be drinking a
$4 bottle of peppermint
schnapps right now!
413
00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:57,829
Which, by the way,
is awesome
on a rainy Sunday.
414
00:19:58,263 --> 00:19:59,164
(SIGHS)
415
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:01,166
I can't believe it.
You lied to me!
416
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:04,036
I can't believe you
were going to
sell my special gift.
417
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:10,375
Hey, guys, our hate
wine just sold
for $2,700 on eBay.
418
00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:11,743
What?
419
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,815
(ALL LAUGHING)
420
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:19,851
Splitsies?
421
00:20:20,919 --> 00:20:23,155
You're on, big man!
We're rich!
422
00:20:23,822 --> 00:20:25,724
$1,350 each!
423
00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:29,628
ALL: (CHANTING)
$1,350 each! $1,350 each!
424
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,263
ALL: $1,350 each!
425
00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:32,364
I don't...
426
00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:33,665
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
427
00:20:40,706 --> 00:20:44,676
This is why men
do not buy men lingerie!
428
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:54,019
Well, look at the bright side.
We got good friends,
429
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:59,358
wine from America's
most beloved game show host,
430
00:20:59,458 --> 00:21:04,630
{\an8}and the sweet sounds
of Dean Martin,
Live at the Sands.
431
00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:08,033
{\an8}And now, a little Dean-o
with our vino.
432
00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:13,905
{\an8}MAN ON RECORD: Lesson 1.
The grocery store.
433
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:16,441
{\an8}Excuse me,
how much for this chicken?
434
00:21:17,743 --> 00:21:20,412
{\an8}(SPEAKING SPANISH)
435
00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:26,551
{\an8}So that explains why
it was only $2.
34453
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