Original subtitles

JINGLE PLAYING)

STEPH: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Let me ask you something. Is this shirt too small?

Not if you're in a boy band.

Eddie, I just got that for you six months ago.

How is it that you're 45 years old

and you're still growing out of clothing?

You know my pituitary gland is a runaway train.

I kinda like it tight.

You can tell it's cold in here.

All right, well, finish wrapping the gift and let's go.

The sooner we get to Jeff's party,

eat pasta and cake,

the sooner I get back here with my pants off

eating leftover pasta and cake.

How hard is it for you to just try to enjoy

this most basic of social rituals,

the birthday party?

Well, it's extremely hard, and I don't understand

this obsession the Woodcocks have,

having to celebrate every milestone.

I mean, what was that thing we went to last year?

Jeff's birthday party.

Exactly. I mean, enough already.

Okay, we get it. Your parents did it.

Quit dancing in the end zone.

Here, all set. You hold that.

Okay. What did we get him, by the way?

Lingerie.

It's for Steph to wear and Jeff to enjoy.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I'm off the gift.

What? Why?

Why? A little something my grandpa once taught me.

Men do not give men lacy panties.

Okay, so you're really not going to sign this card?

A dog saying "Happy Arfday."

I'll be in the car.

Oh, cool. Thanks, Karl.

In your hands you hold

the world's most powerful flashlight.

Little heads up, don't ever aim it at a baby.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm having a little trouble

deciding between the cobbler and the sundae.

Would it be possible to get both?

Actually, the hosts have agreed

to pay for only one dessert per person.

Uh-huh. Will they be seeing an itemized bill

or just one big number?

I think one big number.

Okay, we'll do this.

Keep the desserts coming until my head hits the table, okay?

Thank you all so much for these gifts.

You know, it's so thoughtful.

Okay, got one more for ya.

Ah.

It's from me. Only me. Not from Eddie.

That is correct. That is not my gift.

Eddie, you got me a gift too?

(STUTTERING)

Ah...

That is amazing.

I mean, most guys will just

let their wife pick out a gift

and then slap their name on the card,

but not this guy, uh-uh.

JEFF: All righty.

(JEFF CHUCKLES)

Wow, Joy, thank you. This is, uh...

This is really pretty.

It's for Steph to wear and for you to enjoy.

Oh! Oh, I get it.

That's good. Because I would've looked pretty strange walking

through the neighborhood carrying a giant flashlight and wearing this.

All right, well, uh, last but not least,

what do you got for me, big man?

Bring it on!

Well, um, my gift is my good wishes

and a hearty, healthy happy birthday high-five.

What up?

Come on, don't leave me hanging, my brother.

That's what I'm talking about!

Right there.

This cobbler is the bomb.

Hey, hon. Hey.

Going to sleep? Yep.

Okay. There's just something I wanted to tell you

before you did.

Ba-bling.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey, why doesn't Eddie like me?

Okay, we're going to need to work on your dirty talk.

I'm sorry, it's just that whole

happy birthday, high-five thing,

that really bugged me.

Okay, well, how about you try focusing on

what I'm about to give you for your birthday?

Okay. Hmm.

It's just we're neighbors, you know, and we work together,

and it's like I see the guy every day.

It... It hurts.

Is it weird for a guy to feel that way?

When his wife is straddling him in lingerie?

A little bit.

You know what, baby? You're so right.

I'm sorry.

You know, I already got him a gift for his birthday.

And I know he loves old records.

I was walking by this used record store

and I saw this Dean Martin album,

Live at the Sands.

It was like this neon light flashing in my brain.

Eddie! Perfect! Eddie! Perfect!

You know what neon light is flashing in my head?

Jeff! Gay! Jeff! Gay!

All right, mama's closing up shop.

I gotta tell you, Joy.

I made a terrible mistake tonight.

(SIGHS) You sure did.

I'm at a point in my life where I...

I can't eat multiple desserts anymore.

Was it the multiple desserts

or was it the soul-wrenching discomfort

that you created in the room

with your happy birthday high-five?

Don't leave me hanging!

What's up?

I'm gonna go eat a loaf of bread

to settle my stomach.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I need to punch your husband in the throat.

Eddie, it's for you!

What the hell is wrong with you?

My husband is lying in bed heartbroken

because of your thoughtlessness!

I am wearing very sexy lingerie under this robe

and the only thing he can think about is you!

How did it fit, by the way?

Oh, it's great. It's so soft. I love the colors.

I'm so glad because I was worried

that you might think it was tacky.

Tacky? No, it's classy. I feel like a princess.

You're an ass!

Friendship is a two-way street

so you better shape up, buster,

because there's a sweet, sensitive man

over there who adores you!

Now I want you to march next door right now

and apologize to him!

No! Why not?

Because he's not my girlfriend.

Just buy him a present on the way to work tomorrow

and please end this madness.

Hey, you know, I got an idea for a present.

Why don't I put on that lingerie

and then I'll just go over there myself.

That'll make his day.

By the way, you owe us $300 for all the dessert you ate.

Hey, gang. Hey, Karl.

Eddie.

Well, well. Somebody's having his own little

bring your vino to work day.

Oh, no, it's not what you think.

Of course it isn't.

But just for kicks, let me tell you how I might play it.

Go to the donut shop.

Grab one of those insulated cups

with the adjustable straw.

Fill it up to the very top and just teach, teach, teach.

Well, it's not for me. It's for Jeff.

Joy and Steph thought that I hurt his feelings last night,

so I grabbed this bottle out of my liquor cabinet.

Now Joy and Steph will be happy,

Jeff will be happy,

all the ladies in my life will be happy.

Hey, Karl.

Hey.

Edward. Hey, there he is.

Happy birthday.

What's this?

It's an above ground pool.

What do you...

What do you think it is? It's for your birthday.

This is a Bordeaux from the village of Saint-Julien.

That's the village where Steph and I honeymooned!

(LAUGHING)

Well, of course it is!

Hey, let me tell you something.

My eyes might've been closed during your slide show

but my ears and my heart were open.

Ed, this is such a thoughtful gift. Thank you.

Oh, yeah, and by the way, I'm sorry it was late,

I just had to special-order this puppy.

That's why you didn't have anything at my party.

Exactly. I mean, don't you think a friend like you

deserves more than a birthday high-five?

While creative, it would be hurtful and mean.

You know what? I actually... I got you something too,

and I was going to return it today but...

This is Dean Martin, Live at the Sands.

I've been looking for this for years.

Yeah, I remember you mentioning it

and I saw it and I just thought of you.

Hey, check this out.

Oh, my... He signed it! Uh-huh.

He signed it!

This is the nicest thing that anybody has ever done for me.

How about what you did for me?

What did I do for you?

You special-ordered the wine.

Oh, yes, of course I did.

You know what? I'll let you in on a little secret.

Today is my actual birthday.

Hey, how about you and Joy come over tonight

and we'll pop this baby open. What do you say?

I think I'd like that very much.

Me too.

I'll, uh, see you at 6:00?

6:00 it is.

Twenty bucks says before that bottle's empty

you guys are making out.

Babe, I'm home!

EDDIE: Hey!

Oh, my God, work was brutal.

I thought this day would never end.

Well, you thought right.

Pop those Easy Spirits back on

'cause we're going to the Woodcocks'.

We were just with them last night.

Yeah, I know but I took your advice

and I gave him a bottle of wine.

And it turns out today is Jeff's actual birthday

so he invited us over to drink it with him.

(SIGHING)

Unbelievable.

We are dealing with a grown man

who physically cannot stop celebrating his birthday.

I'm flattered that you took my advice, though, and bought him a gift.

Well, I actually didn't buy it.

I just grabbed a bottle out of your little medicine cabinet there.

What? Which bottle?

Uh, the Bordeaux or whatever.

What?

Relax! You still have enough left

to make it through a nuclear winter.

Eddie, that Bordeaux was worth $1,000.

Come again?

I got it from my aunt's house, when she died. Don't you remember?

No, I don't remember! I don't even remember you having an aunt.

He's going to be opening that bottle tonight, Joy!

Oh, my God. I can't believe you gave away a 20-year-old bottle of wine.

Yeah, you're right. I should've known

that a bottle of wine doesn't last in this house

for more than an hour and a half.

You have to ask for that bottle back.

(STAMMERING) I can't. Why not?

Because he gave me a signed copy

of Dean Martin, Live at the Sands!

I don't care if he gave you a kidney.

Do you understand what that bottle meant to him?

I mean, he and I, we had a moment there.

Was it a $1,000 moment?

I don't want to put a price on it but there was a lot of magic.

Eddie, we have to get that bottle back.

I know we do but it's not going to be easy!

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I thought you didn't care about other guys' feelings.

Well, I didn't, but I gave him some wine

and he gave me my favorite record

and I lied to him right in his face!

Don't you see? We're in a relationship now.

Did you know this wine is worth $987?

Really?

Oh, my God. Eddie frickin' loves me.

Hey, honey, crazy thought.

What if, instead of drinking this delicious French wine,

we sell it and with the proceeds actually go to France.

I don't know, sweetie. I don't think I could do that.

Why not? It's $1,000.

Remember how you freaked out when you found $5 in your jeans?

Hey, this is a lot more than that.

Okay, it is a lot of money but you don't understand

the effort Eddie put into that and how thoughtful he was.

Not to mention that I actually invited him over to drink it with us.

I mean, how can we possibly get out of that?

I mean, seriously, start throwing out ideas,

because I'm really into that France thing.

Oh, my God, our wine is blowing up on eBay.

WineLady53 must have a pretty serious drinking problem

because she's been bidding against herself for the past 25 minutes.

(SNICKERS)

You're sure they're going to believe

that this is the bottle of wine he gave me?

Just wrap a napkin around it, pour it quick, and stay cool.

And if things start getting hairy, keep your lies simple.

You dress 'em up, you'll mess 'em up.

Remember that if that corkscrew

hits the top of that bottle we are dead,

so we have to make the switch with the decoy bottle

before that happens.

Okay, does this one look like the bottle we gave him?

Don't worry. Just throw one of those giant paws

over the label, pour quickly, and focus on the money.

Okay.

ALL: Hey!

Happy birthday, part deux!

Oh, boy.

Wow.

There's that delicious bottle of wine.

May I hold it?

You know what? Why don't I open it,

and you guys can help yourselves

to some lovely cheese?

Terrific. Okay.

You know what? You can eat it over here.

Okay, well... All right.

Wow, is that a beautiful corkscrew!

I don't think I've ever seen one like this.

Of course, I know it's made out of plastic

but gosh, I'd swear it was whale bone.

(BELL RINGING)

Ah! That's my roast.

Honey, pour me a nice big glass.

Okay.

Eddie, I just need the corkscrew, so...

You know, in, um... In some Native American cultures,

opening your own wine on your birthday

means the wind will stop for 100 years.

Here, give me the bottle.

Okay, you know what? Let me, um...

Let me just tighten up Superman's cape here.

Okay, the cape.

And uh, just do me a favor and keep that on.

Okay, I will indeed.

Great. Great.

Okay. All right.

I have the corkscrew now, Joy, and I will open the bottle.

I have no choice but to open it.

And here we go.

Look, there's something there on my glass.

What is...

There's spit all over this thing.

I should've gotten you a dishwasher for your birthday.

You know what, um, I will... I'll go get a new one.

Um, Eddie, remember, keep the cape on.

Okay, you got it. Take your time, birthday boy.

All right. Give me the thing.

The cape, the cape. The cape!

Yeah. The cape. The cape is on.

This is not my dead aunt's wine.

How do you know?

Because ours was not made by Alex Trebek!

Are you saying they changed the bottles on purpose?

Well, why would they switch the bottles?

They didn't know what it was worth.

Oh, my God, they know what it's worth.

The sneaky little bastards.

Okay, give me their wine,

take this one, put this one back in your purse.

Okay, I've got a new glass, sans spit!

All right, who's ready to celebrate?

Not I.

Why not?

Maybe because this is not the wine that I gave you.

(GASPS)

Wait, what?

You mean, you didn't give us

Alex Trebek's Cabernet Royale dessert wine?

Steph, did you put out the wrong bottle?

I put out the one you gave me.

All right, the jig is up, Woodcocks.

Where's the bottle?

I don't know, Eddie, I mean, you see, my car broke down

and then there was this trucker who had a monocle and this three-legged dog.

(WHISPERING) Simple! Simple!

Listen, I know what's going on here.

You found out how expensive our wine is

and you don't want to share it with us.

But that's not true!

You probably want to sell it.

That's not true!

I am hurt that you put a price tag on our friendship.

You know what? You're right.

This is ridiculous. I'm a jerk!

Jeff, what are you doing?

France, France, France, France...

Eddie, I'm sorry.

You put so much thought and effort into this

and here I am selfishly trying to keep it to myself.

It would mean so much to me if you would do the honors.

Go ahead, pop it.

You know what? No.

I gave you this wine with love

and you turned it into a wine of hate.

I'm having a lot of feelings right now and I've...

I've gotta go home and process this.

No, no, no, no! Eddie, come on!

Please, please, please stay!

It's still a love wine!

It's a hate wine now.

No, it's a love wine!

Hate wine! Love wine!

Oh, come on, it was my dead aunt's wine!

He didn't even buy that wine for you at all!

Yes, he did! He special-ordered it!

No, he did not!

He just reached into the cabinet

and got the first thing that he could find.

If he would've reached a few inches over,

you'd be drinking a $4 bottle of peppermint schnapps right now!

Which, by the way, is awesome on a rainy Sunday.

(SIGHS)

I can't believe it. You lied to me!

I can't believe you were going to sell my special gift.

Hey, guys, our hate wine just sold for $2,700 on eBay.

What?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Splitsies?

You're on, big man! We're rich!

$1,350 each!

ALL: (CHANTING) $1,350 each! $1,350 each!

ALL: $1,350 each!

I don't...

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

This is why men do not buy men lingerie!

Well, look at the bright side. We got good friends,

wine from America's most beloved game show host,

and the sweet sounds of Dean Martin, Live at the Sands.

And now, a little Dean-o with our vino.

MAN ON RECORD: Lesson 1. The grocery store.

Excuse me, how much for this chicken?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

So that explains why it was only $2.