Original subtitles

(JINGLE PLAYING)

EDDIE: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SIGHS)

Hi, guys. BOTH: Hi.

No, thanks.

No thanks to what?

Whatever you're offering.

Hiking, biking, that crazy Frisbee game you're always freaking out about.

No, Joy, the thing is, our cable's out

and there's a really awesome tennis match on TV

so I was wondering if we could maybe watch it here?

Uh, yeah, no. No.

My favorite religious cartoon is about to begin.

You know the one with the little wooden boy

and the talking squirrel, that is Jesus, so, you'll understand...

Come on, Jeff, let's just go watch it at a sports bar.

Yes, a sports bar.

Sweetie, it's a Sunday in Philadelphia during football season.

If I ask them to turn on tennis,

even your tae kwon do can't save us.

(SIGHING) Okay, come in.

Ah, thank you!

But just so you know, Eddie's on his way down

and there's an 80% chance he'll be wearing only a t-shirt.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Ah, it's my back.

I sneezed while peeing and everything just went nuts.

By the way, there's also a couple of hand towels up there

that are gonna have to be thrown away.

Come on, Eddie, not your back again.

Oh, that's nice, that's nice.

No, seriously, every time this happens

you refuse to go to a doctor, and then...

Why do I have to see a doctor when I have all the doctor I need

in a nice little white tube of the very healing that... No, don't say it. Don't!

Bengay.

That's right. You heard me, the king of ointments.

If you know Mr. Gay you don't need to know anyone else.

You know, Eddie, there might be another solution.

Have you tried yoga?

Oh, I'd love to, but it always conflicts with my tap-dancing class.

Okay, what you're gonna wanna do is,

breathe in, arms up, and hinge.

Okay, the good Lord didn't build me to hinge.

Come on, Eddie. Just hinge.

(SIGHING)

Just... Just hinge!

You can do it, Eddie, I've seen you hinge.

Eddie. Eddie, hinge. STEPH: Just hinge!

Hinge! JOY: Like a door. Go ahead, hinge.

Right over. Hinge.

Go, push him over. Breathe and hinge!

(EXCLAIMING)

Eddie?

(GRUNTING)

I hinged!

Au revoir, Mr. Gay. It's been a nice ride.

You think that felt good. Hey, babe, do that thing to his feet.

Oh, right, yeah! Eddie, take off your slippers.

No, whoa! Whoa, whoa!

You do not want to see this man's bare feet!

I'm sure they're fine.

No. No, they're not.

He's the reason people buy their own bowling shoes.

Oh, dear God!

It's been so long since someone's touched me there.

That's so sad.

I give Jeff foot massages all the time.

Yeah? Talk to me in 20 years.

If you're rubbing anything of his, I'll give you a dollar.

Wow, you're really bound up.

Hey, there's a yoga class in like 20 minutes.

You want to go?

Will I be the only dude?

Because I don't like going to places where I'm the only dude.

No, there's other dudes.

Yoga dudes, or like American dudes?

All kinds, Eddie. It's a Dude-a-palooza.

All right, I'm in. Just let me go change.

Great, I'll be back in 10.

(EXHALES)

All right. Hey, Joy, all right.

It's just you, me, and a little tennis.

You got like five remotes here.

You could launch the shuttle with these, huh?

(CHUCKLING)

Come on, scoot over. Oh, sorry.

(TV ANNOUNCER TALKING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Why's that guy taking off his shirt?

Oh, it's just Romanov.

Loves to show off that six-pack.

Oh, I'm so not hating that.

Yeah, look, I am the most heterosexual guy you know

and I'm not hating it either.

The most?

Well, one of the most, right?

Let's just watch.

Okay, now that we're all warmed up and ready to begin,

let's move into the tree pose.

Oh, no!

Oh! It's my first day.

And now slowly into the lord of the fishes pose.

Take your right leg and fold it under your left thigh

bringing your right heel to the outside of your left hip.

Take your left leg, wrap it over your right knee,

put the heel of your left foot flat on the floor

at your right thigh

and turn in the direction of your bent left leg.

Oh, God.

Here!

(GROANS)

Good.

Now press the outside of your right arm

to the knee and thigh of your left leg,

try to stretch your right armpit to the outside of that knee.

Twist and turn, looking over your left shoulder.

Settle into the pose and enjoy it.

How we doing?

Well, I'm losing feeling in either my left or right hand.

I just don't know which is which right now.

Mmm-hmm.

Did you sign our medical waiver out front?

(PANTING) I think so, why?

Oh, no reason.

Looking good.

And relax.

Concentrate on your heart center, always breathing.

And thank yourselves for coming today.

Thank you, Eddie.

Oh, not out loud?

Namaste.

ALL: Namaste.

Okay, so that one's out loud.

Namaste. Boom.

Okay.

So how do you feel?

Well, you know, it started out a little rough

but I gotta tell you, I feel fantastic.

Except for that one move where I accidentally sat on my own merchandise.

Yeah. That was a noise I've never really heard before.

You know, usually after class I grab a chai latte

and hit the flea market. Any interest?

Are you kidding me? I love flea markets.

Let me just check in with the tower and see if I'm clear for takeoff.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hey, it's me.

Hey. How's yoga?

Life changing. How's it going with you?

(SQUEALING)

What, did your sister come over?

What?

Who's the screaming lady?

(CHUCKLING) Uh, it's Jeff.

We're watching tennis together.

We are actually having a really good time.

No, that is not code for please come rescue me.

I know I use that with your mother but this is different.

All right, well, listen, I'm glad you're having fun

and Steph and I are gonna go hit a flea market

so I guess I'll talk to you later.

I guess you will. Bye.

You know, I wouldn't really have pegged you as a flea market kinda guy.

Yeah, I know you wouldn't, but you know what?

I read a few years ago about this guy who bought an old painting

and he actually found an original copy

of the Declaration of Independence hidden inside.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Now I buy old paintings by the dozen,

I take them home and I tear through them like scratcher tickets.

I have literally destroyed hundreds of pieces of art.

Thanks for taking me tennis racket shopping today.

I'm so excited to play with you.

And I'm excited to be played with.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Seriously, I've had a really fun day.

This place is great, huh?

Oh, yeah, um, Eddie and I,

we had our 10th anniversary here.

Oh! Yeah.

You know, I feel like I've been here before, I just can't remember when.

Maybe I just popped in to use the can.

Ha! You are crazy!

True story, I swear!

JEFF: Nutty!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Joy? Eddie.

Babe? Hon?

Hey. Hi.

What are you doing here?

Uh, just grabbing a bite. How about you guys?

Same. Yeah.

Well, that's great.

Really, really great.

(CHUCKLES)

So...

Should we maybe make it a foursome?

Of course, of course.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Here's your beverage.

Thank you, Joy.

All right.

JOY: Well, this is nice.

Yep. Mmm-hmm.

Thank you. Oh, thanks.

So, it's good to see you guys.

It's good to see you, too. You look terrific.

Is this weird? Do you wanna sit next to...

I mean, should we switch?

No, no, no.

I stare into that enormous ear hole every day.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So how's yoga working out for you?

Fantastic. JOY: Yeah?

Oh, yeah, actually, we're going back next Tuesday night.

Oh, Tuesday night...

Well, that's perfect.

Because, Jeff and I, we're gonna play tennis Tuesday night.

Good for you guys.

Yeah, yeah.

That's great. So it looks like you got your thing

and we got our thing.

Looks like it. Yeah.

A toast then. JOY: Okay.

To whatever this is.

Why did I not pursue professional tennis?

Look at me, I am absolutely adorable.

Oh, you are adorable.

I would take a run at you right now

if it didn't take me 25 minutes to peel these pants off.

Hey, honey, let me ask you something.

You don't think it's weird that we're spending

so much time with Jeff and Steph separately, do you?

(CHUCKLING) Weird? No. I think it's great.

Oh, God, I am so relieved. You know what? Me too.

Yeah, it doesn't mean that we don't love each other.

It's just that...

Sometimes things between us get a little...

I don't wanna say boring.

Boring? God, no.

No.

No.

I think it is a testament to the strength of our marriage

that we can pull this off.

I mean, most couples could not do this.

Exactly, because our trust is so strong...

So freaking strong.

Oh, hell, we are so rock solid

that I barely gotta see you at all.

Right back at you.

You know why? Because at the end of the day,

I know in my heart that there is no one on this Earth

that I would rather spend time with than you.

And I you, sir.

Aw.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

BOTH: They're here!

Hey. Hi!

Holy smokes, you're showing a lot of thigh there, Serena.

Why don't you leave a little something to the imagination, huh?

Yeah, like you in stretchy pants isn't gonna keep me up tonight.

Eddie, we should go. Yoga starts in 10.

Yeah, we don't wanna get stuck too close to Fat Gary

while he tries to touch his toes.

There ain't enough incense in India to cover up that stink.

(GRUNTING)

Getting a little hardcore there, huh?

Oh, yeah. That's what they taught me at the tennis academy.

Preparation, intensity, discipline, abstinence.

Wow, sounds like a really fun place to spend your summer.

Oh, yeah. I guess you could say my dad pushed me pretty hard.

I used to beg my mom to let me come home but uh-uh.

Dad said no way.

He used to tell me to take the pain of missing my mommy

and put it in my serve.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

Oh, no, it's... It's okay, you know.

It's all in the past. See, I... I just play for fun now.

It's just a game, you know?

It's not like it's emotional currency or

love.

Okay. Uh, well, I'll be right over there.

Great, great. Ah! This is gonna be fun, Joy.

JOY: All right.

I'm back, Papa.

(JEFF GRUNTING)

Ow!

(JEFF SCREAMS)

Out.

JEFF: Are you insane?

That ball was clearly in. This is such crap!

All right, you know what? Screw this!

Okay, here we go.

Daddy needs a historical document.

Sorry, amigo.

Ah. Damn. 0 for 9.

Hey, there she is. How was tennis?

I gotta tell you, for a little guy,

that Jeff is a large helping of freaky-deaky.

I think we're gonna cool it for a while. Yeah, okay.

In fact, I was thinking that we could have

a little time to ourselves tonight.

Oh, you know, that would be super awesome.

It really would.

It's just that Steph and I had planned to go

to this new pizza place right after yoga so...

Well, you can cancel.

I would love to.

It's just that, you know, that's kinda rude,

you know, to do that last minute.

Manners and such.

Eddie...

Look, you were totally on board with this yesterday. What happened?

That's before I realized Jeff's insane.

So I have to stay home and suffer

just because your guy turned out to be a dud?

Yes, you have to stay home.

You think it's appropriate that you take Steph

out for pizza while I sit here alone?

Okay, all right, I see what this is all about.

It's about being alone, right?

Listen to me. You're gonna find someone else.

You got a lot of great stuff going on here.

Someone's gonna scoop you right up. All right?

Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll bring you home a slice.

No! I don't want leftover pizza from your date.

Okay, all right, listen, listen.

Joy, calm down.

Honey, you've just been through a tough relationship.

You're feeling very, very vulnerable

but please, don't lash out at me.

Joy, look at me. Look at me.

I'm not him.

Okay? All right, I'm gonna...

That is enough. Sit down!

What, I... You...

The pizza.

You are my husband. I am your wife.

We are gonna stop seeing other people.

We're gonna go back to being exclusive

because dating our neighbors... Not our healthiest moment.

You know what? You're right.

I was crazy. I don't know, it's just...

She touched my feet.

You used to do that. I guess I just missed it.

Yeah? Well I miss you opening car doors

and bringing me flowers

and holding in at least 20% of your gas.

Why don't we do those things anymore?

We've been married 20 years. We've earned the right not to.

I'll tell you what.

You go tell your little girlfriend

that you're getting back together with the old lady

and I will be your new yoga partner.

And maybe later I will whip off those socks

and take a crack at your tootsies.

Oh, yeah?

Well, okay, I'll tell you what. You wait here...

Okay.

And I am gonna go break a little girl's heart.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Eddie. Ready to go?

Hey, actually, I gotta talk to you.

Sure, what's up?

Oh, this is hard.

Um, I'm not gonna be able to go out with you tonight.

Oh, no problem.

Oh, I was hoping this wouldn't go this way.

Come here, champ.

Come here.

Listen, Steph, um, it's not just tonight.

I'm not gonna be able to do yoga with you ever again.

That's cool. We used up all my guest passes anyway.

You are so brave.

So, so brave.

Hey, Steph, you ready?

What's Fat Gary doing here?

Well, Gary wants to go to pizza with us

so I figured we'd just take one car.

Oh, I see.

You'd think you would've maybe checked with me first.

Why would I check with you?

What we had is so over.

Take your right leg

and sweep it under your left thigh,

your left heel around the back of your hip.

Now look over your opposite shoulder,

and reach behind your back

linking your pinky with your big toe.

(GRUNTING)

JOY: This is brutal.

You wanna get out of here and get waffles for dinner?

I would like that very much.