Original subtitles

EDDIE: Morning. Good morning to you.

What you got going on there?

I'm paying our credit card bill.

Well, why are you sending them $500?

Because we owe them 1200.

No, no, no. The good folks over there are going to get the minimum payment of $17.

God bless America.

Eddie, if we only pay the minimum

we will never get out of debt.

Trust me, Joy, we're gonna outlast these bastards.

All right. Let me just throw this one out there, sweetheart.

The $39 we're paying every month for your gym.

How often you going?

I go.

Okay. What street is it on?

It's on the corner of bite me and suck it.

I don't see you working out.

Oh I don't have to. I have the metabolism of a toddler.

You know, for a woman who eats cake in the morning,

I think I look pretty damn hot.

This isn't about whether or not you're hot.

It's about whether we want to pay $39 a month,

so you have over 600 nationwide locations to never set foot in.

You know what? Pay that bill. I'm going to the gym today.

Good for you.

And you know what, if you need the address, check the fridge.

There's an aerobic schedule on there from 1997.

Oh! I know exactly where this is.

It's right next to Paco's Tacos.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

EDDIE: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Well! Hello, Mr. Working Man.

(STEPH CHUCKLES)

Don't you look hot?

If I had taken a shower in the past three days

you'd be in trouble right now, buster.

I could breathe through my mouth.

I've got a better idea.

How about tonight you and I watch a fun video together?

You mean the one my mom sent of her cat in the dryer?

I was thinking something a bit racier.

We're getting Dreamgirls?

Don't toy with me, white woman.

Actually, Jeff, I was thinking that you and I could rent an explicit video,

watch it in our bedroom,

and see where the evening takes us.

Wow! Uh, what brought this on?

Yesterday's Oprah was all about the dangers

of being addicted to pornography,

and I got to thinking that on the road to addiction

you can have a pretty good time.

All right, guys. Lock it down.

I've got an interesting proposition and I need your advice.

This morning, Steph suggested that we get an adult video.

Okay, I'm going to need you to tell me everything everyone said

with the exact inflection in which they said it.

Okay. Well, I was heading out for work and Steph said...

Wait, wait, wait. Is his wife hot?

Hot enough that their marriage makes no sense.

Go.

Uh, well. Steph said that it might be fun

if we got a video with adult content.

Wow! This is big boy stuff. You got to get that tape now.

Yeah, if you don't burn a personal day doing this

then you are dead to me.

Oh, no, no. I got the tape.

Already?

(CHUCKLING) It's 8:06 in the morning.

Yeah. Well, let me tell you, the predawn adult video crowd...

Freaky!

You know, and it got me thinking, is this really

the right thing for me and Steph to be doing?

Because our lovemaking, it's really beautiful.

You shut your mouth!

You have just been given a gift that men everywhere only dream about.

And you, you question it? How dare you?

I have been dropping hints to Joy for 20 years and nothing.

But you, you, you lucky son of a bitch,

your wife actually suggests it and you say you're not sure?

Well, you better get sure, mister.

It's just that I've never seen one.

Really? Never been to a bachelor party?

Or his house ever?

No. I'm a nice person.

This is fantastic.

It's like seeing Disneyland for the first time through a child's eyes.

Don't worry, kid. We're going to get you through this.

First things first, did you get the right tape?

What do you mean the right tape?

All right, Jeff, in the adult movie genre,

there are two distinct categories.

There's the stuff you watch by yourself

and the stuff you watch with your lady friend.

The stuff you watch by yourself can be anything.

Because I don't judge me.

The stuff you watch together needs to be tasteful, appropriate.

Dare I say romantic.

Well, I don't know what I got.

I locked eyes with a guy in a trench coat,

I grabbed a video and I got the hell out of there.

Okay, show it to Papa.

Huh. I don't think I've seen this one.

Oh, it's directed by Randy Randee.

I'm not familiar with his work.

Yeah. Me neither.

And volume 23 of anything is not a good sign.

You're going to have to give this a pre-screening

before you watch it with the missus.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You see, I can't watch it without her

because she knows I've never seen this stuff before.

So, you know, I got to seem green.

All right! I'll watch it for you.

Hey, you know what, I'll watch it.

No, I'll be happy to watch it. No, I'll do it.

Guys! Why don't you just watch it together?

Just take it.

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(PANTING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

So? How was the gym?

Shut up.

Oh, come on. I'm kidding.

You okay?

Listen. You know, you came back from a long hiatus.

You can't expect to do seven hard minutes

on a treadmill without being medivacked to the hospital.

You know what, now you can't have my Jell-O.

(CHUCKLES)

This isn't so bad, huh? Look at you, you've got a remote-controlled bed,

(STUTTERING) and room service and...

Hey, guess who's not going to miss a minute of her favorite TV programs?

What you got there? Green?

Anyway, the doctor said that I have a slight concussion

and they want to keep me overnight for observation.

Oh, overnight, huh? Hmm.

You want to stay with me?

Do I?

It would be a blast!

I mean, I'm not afraid of any microscopic germs or random diseases.

(EXCLAIMS)

This is sweet, huh?

So, I assume you get the bed?

Oh, but you know what, I'm just going to crash right here on this

lightly padded window sill,

it should... Yeah...

Fantastic!

And you know what, if my neck hurts in the morning,

I'll already be at the hospital.

(CHUCKLING) Just go.

Love you.

Okay.

Hey, Eddie, it's Jeff. Uh, if you're there, pick up.

Okay, uh...

Just wanted to see if you'd watched that video for me yet.

Steph's getting kind of antsy.

Uh...

Anyway, we're really kind of excited to get going over here.

So...

Just wanted to see where you're at on that.

(PHONE BEEPING)

(SNORING)

Okay, easy, easy, baby steps.

(CHUCKLING) Eddie, it's okay. I can walk.

Well, that's what you said about running and look where that got you.

All right, let me help you.

(GROANING) Thanks. You bet, okay.

What was that? What was what?

You just grabbed something from the couch.

Well, maybe it was your welcome home gift.

Aw, let me see it. No, I haven't wrapped it yet.

You know I don't care about that... Yeah, but I do.

Presentation is everything.

Will you let me see it?

(STAMMERING) No. Later. I want you to rest first.

Oh, look, a sandwich. Where?

You seem disappointed, do you have that one?

You have got to be kidding me.

(STAMMERING) All right, listen to me. Steph wanted to watch this with Jeff

and he had never seen one before, so he basically begged me

to preview it for him last night, that's all.

Last night while I was in the hospital?

See, that seems like one of those questions where

there's no answer that would please you.

You are unbelievable.

It wasn't for me. I watched it for the boy.

Boy my...

(SNICKERING) Oh! What do we have here?

It's a foot long hoagie wrapper and three beers.

You had quite a little date with yourself last night, didn't you?

You wined and dined you.

Guess you had to put out after that, huh?

Look, I said that I was willing to sleep on that little window sill

and you suggested that I come home.

It's a very fuzzy line with you, Joy.

What are the rules? What are the rules?

How about, don't watch porn while I'm in the hospital?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, why didn't you pick up the phone,

I need to get my porn... Flakes.

She knows.

What's the hold up, dude, I thought we were going to

try to get this done before Letterman.

You guys done with this?

Yes, I want to thank you for bringing this into our lives.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

Joy, if I may,

this is nothing more than a documentation of two consenting adults.

Okay, sometimes three.

Enjoying the most natural of human behaviors.

Get out of my house.

Okay.

Honey, I'll just be a minute.

I just need to ask Eddie a quick school-related question.

Go straight to scene three. Thank you.

You know what, I'm going to go to bed. I'm sorry that they took your DVD.

If you're looking for further inspiration

you should probably go to one of those websites

that you think that I don't know that you go to.

Okay, all right, listen, I'm really sorry you're upset. I really am.

But I have to say I think that some wives don't seem to have a problem with this.

What are you saying?

(WHISPERING) I think that sometimes you're a little prude.

Think very, very carefully.

Are you sure you want to say that?

You know what? I am.

Okay, you know what, you want to be more like Jeff and Steph,

you want to watch something together, bring it on, tough guy.

Oh, yeah, right, sure.

Oh, no, I'm serious. Who knows? Maybe it'll spice things up a little.

Spice things up?

Yeah, I mean it wouldn't hurt to introduce a new move in the bedroom

once every quarter century or so.

Oh, you want spice, I'll bring the spice.

Yeah! You're going to need a spice rack for all the spice that I'm bringing, baby.

Because you just flipped the lid on the cayenne pepper, sister.

All right, lock it down, guys.

Lock it down. Big man in crisis.

Okay, listen, Joy wants us to get one of your fancy videos.

Okay, I'm going to need you to tell me everything everyone said

in the exact inflection with which they said it.

Okay, all right.

Well, Joy and I were in the living room and...

Hold on, what was she wearing?

I don't remember, I guess something that highlighted her boobs.

(IMITATING BEEPING)

Locking in visual and go.

All right, she wants to take a trip to naughty town,

and she also said that an explicit video might help,

and I quote, "spice things up."

Huh. Steph and I spiced things up three times last night.

Really? Okay, I'm going to need you to tell me...

Not now, Karl. I'm freaking out here.

Hey, you said this is what you wanted.

It was, until it got real. Do you have any idea what's on those tapes?

Young, flexible men, with incredible stamina

and top-of-the-line equipment doing things so well

that somebody said, "Oh, my God, grab a camera, we got to get this on tape."

You see, Eddie, I actually... I found that inspiring.

Yeah, well, that's because you're young.

I can barely touch my toes anymore,

I'm this close to getting Velcro sneakers and it's all your fault.

Me? Yes.

If you hadn't dragged me through your tawdry bedroom escapades,

I'd be having safe, boring, red state sex right now.

You asked me for the tape.

'Cause you didn't have the stones to watch it.

What are you talking about?

Guys, guys, don't fight.

Porn is supposed to bring us together.

Well, I'm sorry, I just can't do this.

Oh, can't you? Let me tell you something, mister,

just the other day, I stood trembling in this very room

ready to throw away the most magical night of my life,

until my friend Eddie Stark

had the courage to admit that he would trade places with me in a heartbeat.

And look at you now!

You're finally standing at ecstasy's doorstep and you're whining like a Nancy.

What's the matter, Eddie? My heaven ain't good enough for you?

How dare me? How dare you?

I'm going to level with you,

I'm working a pretty big man crush right now.

Are you ready for some Eddie?

(EXHALING) You got the thing?

(JOY CLEARS THROAT)

This should be good. It was under staff favorites.

This is one of Walt's picks.

Okay, Walt, let's see what you watch in your mommy's basement.

You sure you want to do this? Because it feels a lot like that time you

asked to see the little webbing between my first and second toe,

and after I showed it to you, you were like,

"Oh my God, I wish I hadn't seen that."

Just hit play and keep your socks on. All righty.

Okey-dokey. Here we go.

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(WHIRRING)

Ooh! A construction site.

And I'm guessing that is the foreman.

MAN ON TV: Excuse me, ma'am, this is a hard hat area.

WOMAN ON TV: It sure is.

What? Okay.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Wow!

Well, good for you, but I might need a little more.

Are you unhappy with our lovemaking?

What?

Well, why did you say, "spice things up"?

If that was just to get back at me for what I did

while you were in the hospital, well, then mission accomplished.

It's not that I was in the hospital. It's why I was there.

Eddie, I was lying in that bed and I was feeling horrible about myself

because I couldn't last three minutes on a treadmill and you're here

watching these young hotties

while you played a little five on one.

Wait a minute, you're feeling insecure?

Maybe.

Hey, you're fantastic.

Do you know how lucky I feel, when we're walking through the mall

and guys turn to see you in one of your tops that barely gets the job done?

I'm so proud of you.

Really?

Yes, Joy, you're beautiful.

I mean if you wanted to, you could be a porn star just like that.

So could you.

All right, see, that's why I'm feeling insecure,

that and also 'cause I only have four moves.

Actually, it's really just three moves,

'cause the last one is pretty much just you getting off my hair.

But they're the right three moves.

It's like, I like chocolate ice cream, right?

And even when you take me to that place that has all the mixings,

I'm still going to get the chocolate. You know what I'm saying?

If chocolate ice cream is a euphemism, I do.

Hey, you want to get some ice cream?

Uh, before or after? 'Cause they close in 20 minutes.

I got to tell you, I think we're fine either way.

(GASPING)

In and out.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Okay.

How do you know him again?