Original subtitles

EDDIE: Ah, can't wait.

Oh, you folks are going to have to move. This is our table.

Huh, how's that?

We put the ketchups there.

Oh, you think you can hold a table with condiments.

(LAUGHING) That is just adorable.

We have our children here.

Well, I guess the whole family learned a lesson.

All right, let's go order, babe. What do you want?

JEFF: Usual. All right.

Oh, God.

What?

That's Lucas Bender over there.

He's the vice-principal of a snooty private school.

He lured away our drama teacher

with the promise of a fog machine.

I hate that pretentious little... Hey!

Hey!

Big guy! Woodcock!

(LAUGHS) All right!

What are you doing here, public school guy? Huh?

Shouldn't you be figuring out a way to tell the kids

there isn't going to be any more music class?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, anyway, who is this beauty?

Hi, I'm Steph, Jeff's wife.

Are you guys doing a bit? Because one of these things is not like the other.

What are you saying?

I think he's saying I'm better-looking than you.

I know what he's saying. I get it.

Lucas Bender. Vice-principal,

Circle of Learning and Scholastic Study for Youth,

A.K.A., classy.

Okay, good talk.

Hey, by the way, I'm starting a faculty basketball league

and I was hoping you and your pear-shaped colleagues at Churchill wanted to play.

I mean, of course, if the $25 sign-up fee isn't too steep for you.

I have a discretionary fund.

I can move some things around.

That's great. Then I'll pencil you in to play us,

first game of the season.

Okay? We provide refs and water

and special lockers for your bonnets and sundresses. Oh!

See, that's funny, 'cause I'm saying you play like girls.

Well, I think we'll be all right.

Why don't you look behind you.

Say hello to Eddie Stark.

The tallest history teacher in the contiguous 48 states.

Well, guilty as charged. It's all there on a recorded but unaired segment on NPR.

So you work at Churchill, huh?

So I don't know what your situation is over there,

but I would love to take you to dinner so we can talk.

Okay, I'm a little behind here.

Why is this guy hitting on me?

He's the guy whose ass you and Jeff are going to kick in a faculty basketball game.

Oh, Eddie is great at basketball.

His nickname was "Drano" 'cause he could drain it from anywhere on the floor.

Come on, tell them.

Well, I just took what God gave me,

and mixed it in with a little hard work and...

The results were pretty spectacular.

(LAUGHS)

And who is this little snack cake?

(GIGGLES)

I'm Joy.

Pull yourself together.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

JOY: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Gentlemen, our opponents this week call themselves "classy."

Here's what they really are.

"Assy" doesn't make you guys laugh?

What are you, dead inside?

Hey! What's up superstars, huh?

(ALL LAUGHING)

All right, should we practice or cut right to the

incredibly uncomfortable group shower?

All right! The franchise is here.

Now, I'm going to make our game strategy real easy to remember.

Get the ball

to tall.

Okay? All right.

(BLOWING WHISTLE) Layup lines.

ALL: Let's do it!

All right, I have a little warm-up thing I do on my own.

It's a strict stretching regimen that I learned from a doctor once.

Dr. J.

Oh, you do what you got to do, big man.

All right, let's get this party started.

Son of a...

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL)

EDDIE: Easy.

Okay, we're almost there. 10 more steps.

Jeff, are you doing anything over there at all?

I'm trying, but everything I grab has hair on it.

(GROANING)

Easy, easy, it's the hammy again.

She's screaming at me. Cut it off! Just cut it off!

All right.

This is okay. This is just a game.

Eddie, the important thing is that you rest and take time to heal.

We'll be fine without you.

Heal, damn it! Heal!

Take the pain, put it in me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't even touch me that way!

Feel better, Eddie. Sorry Jeff touched your junk.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(GROANS)

Oh, my leg! Why would I use my bad leg?

That was a stupid call!

(GROANS)

Eddie, what's going on?

I faked my injury.

Yeah, I got that.

Why?

I can't tell you. It's too embarrassing.

Come on, Eddie. Lower the walls.

It's me. Steph.

I barely know you. The other day I called you "Sabrina."

You have to tell me.

(SIGHS)

All right.

I...

I've never said this out loud before.

I'm bad at basketball.

Don't look at me, look away.

How could you be bad at basketball?

You're so tall!

Yeah, see, there it is.

And that's what I've been dealing with my whole life.

People just assume because I'm 6'8" that I would be great at ball, okay?

Well, I'm not. You know what it's like living under that kind of pressure?

People constantly calling you "Big Man"

when you feel so small inside?

Eddie, with all due respect,

I think you're blowing this way out of proportion.

I don't think anybody else really cares that much.

Oh? Do you know that that is the only reason why Joy and I got together?

What?

Our first date was awful.

Bad food, stilted conversation.

At one point, I sneezed and a small fart came out.

Anyway, I thought I would never see her again

and then she saw my high school yearbook,

and she started going through it

and she saw the picture of me on the basketball team,

and I start making up these crazy stories

that I took the school to two state finals.

And the truth is, the coach never played me.

And shortly after that,

we did the nasty.

You and the coach?

No, me and Joy.

Eddie, how could you lie like that to your own wife?

Well, I didn't know she would end up being the one.

I mean, at that point, she was just a cute French major

with big cans.

Eddie! What? I'm a guy!

A week before, I told some girl that I was training to be an astronaut.

If I'd married her, I'd be sitting in a space suit right now.

Eddie, you have to tell Joy.

She loves you. She'll accept you for who you are.

I... I couldn't.

You're faking injuries. Lying to the people you love.

How long are you going to run away from the truth?

I'm so tired.

No more secrets, big man.

I'm about to set you free.

Hey.

Hey, you're in your gym clothes.

Yeah. I was gonna stop by on the way home from work and do some cardio,

but then I didn't.

What you looking at? Your old yearbook?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLING)

Look at you. The legend of Drano.

You were a man among boys.

Seriously, look at this guy. He looks like he's 10 years old.

Not in the locker room, he didn't.

You know, it's funny

how someone's appearance makes you assume something about them

that really isn't true.

Look, I didn't go to the gym, okay? Get off my back.

No, honey, sit down for me.

I, um...

I need to talk to you about the game on Saturday.

Oh! I forgot to tell you!

I invited the girls from the office.

You did?

Yeah, I guess I'm just... I'm so excited.

This is the first time I'm ever going to see you actually play.

That can't be.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's true.

There was the one time that you were going to play in the family picnic,

and you accidentally threw the ball into the lake.

Uh-huh, uh-huh... You remember that?

Yep, yep. And then, um...

Oh, and the other time was... We were walking through the park

and those guys asked you to play in the pickup game, remember?

And you had a seizure.

Yeah.

It was a scary time.

Listen, I, um...

I need to tell you something.

My God, you are cute in those shorts.

I am?

Yeah. I mean, look at that young, taut body.

I gotta tell you, if I knew you back then,

I would have taken you under the bleachers

and I would have rocked your world.

Well, well...

(LAUGHS)

I would've rocked your world

because I was so good at basketball.

,

, yo

, you

, you kn

, you know

, you know w

, you know wha

, you know what?

, you know what?

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, you know what?

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, you know what? You go to

, you know what? You go to he

, you know what? You go to hell

, you know what? You go to hell!

Who was that?

School librarian.

She's 6'2", but she won't play in the game.

Something about her grandkids...

Blah, blah, blah...

Oh, Steph, a quick question.

Hypothetically, if I were to lose a bet to a vice-principal from another school

and you had to, say, dance in a bikini

while he hosed you down on the roof of his condo...

Is that something we could bounce back from?

I'm going to make a phone call.

I tried. I tried but I can't tell her.

What? Yeah.

I gotta play in the game now on Saturday.

And to make matters worse, she's bringing the hens from her office.

They already know about my occasional deficiencies as a morning lover,

and now this!

(SHOUTING) What if you were dancing in a one-piece and it was not in his condo, huh?

Hey! Are you okay?

Oh, I am great. I am back in the game.

Bet's back on! Get ready to lose your moped, douche!

I'm screwed. I'm a fraud.

I am Milli and/or Vanilli.

Which one was the tall one?

I don't know. I wasn't alive then.

Look, I know you're in a tough spot, but I think I can help.

I played basketball in high school

until I gave it up to smoke cigarettes.

All I need to do is teach you one move.

Really? You think you can do that?

I know I can.

Okay, here we go!

Okay!

Okay.

I really appreciate this.

All right, shake it off.

Yep!

(GROANING)

All right, one more time. Do it again, do it again.

This is the one. Yeah.

Okay?

(GROANING)

This is ridiculous. You're like this far away.

It just... It just doesn't feel normal.

But you know what, maybe I'm right-handed.

You've been using your right hand.

Maybe I'm left-handed.

You don't know which hand you are?

Oh, my God, maybe I'm not handed!

Joy is gonna find me out. Jeff is making bets based on my talent.

Everything is piling up on me!

And the game is tomorrow, what am I gonna do?

(SIGHS)

You're pretty boned, dude.

(BALL BOUNCING)

(EDDIE GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

Get in the basket, you round, orange, son of a bitch.

Eddie. Hey.

What the hell is going on? It is the middle of the night.

Yeah, well, I told myself around 10:00

that I would just keep shooting until I made a thousand shots.

That was hours ago. How many have you made?

Six-ish.

All right, well, will you keep it down?

I'm looking at a really rough morning.

My midnight snack took a weird turn

from a bowl of Cap'n Crunch to a bottle of Chardonnay.

(YAWNING) Good night.

Joy.

I'm not a good basketball player.

Well, you're a little rusty. It's a faculty game, come on.

You'll do fine.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

I've never been a good basketball player.

What about the yearbook picture?

They called you "Drano."

Well, they didn't call me that because I could shoot, okay?

One time before a game, I threw up into the water fountain,

and it took them three bottles of Drano to clean that thing out.

That's disgusting.

What the hell is going on here?

(STAMMERING) Why would you lie to me after all these years?

Because I had to.

What are you talking about?

All right, you remember our first date?

The only reason you didn't walk out on me that night

is because you saw my picture on the basketball team.

That's not true. I liked other stuff about you.

Yeah. What other stuff?

Stuff.

Shut up, I married you, didn't I?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You married big, tall Eddie, the basketball superstar.

Hey, well, it was my lie that got us here today,

so you can't be mad at me about that.

I'm not.

Men have told bigger lies than that to get a ticket on this ride.

What I am pissed about is that you feel after 20 years,

you need to keep secrets from me.

Especially about basketball.

I mean, what did you think that I was going to say?

My 45-year-old husband can't dunk. I want a divorce!

I once missed an exit on the expressway and you almost beheaded me.

You run hot and cold.

Eddie, if I were going to make a list of reasons why I would leave you,

your lack of basketball skills

would run a distant third to your wardrobe and the way you...

(SNORTING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

...in the shower.

I have a deviated septum.

I'm sorry, but I guess everything just has been building up in my head

for so long.

(SIGHS)

You know, I never told anyone this,

but when Allison was born, I was so relieved that she was a girl,

because I couldn't imagine how I was going to relate to a boy

without being able to play all those sports.

I mean, I was so scared.

Baby.

You're a giant,

awkward, oddly beautiful man,

and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

So you really don't care that I can't play basketball?

I so really don't care.

(EXCLAIMS)

I feel so light.

(LAUGHS)

So free.

I'm tall and I can't play ball.

I'm tall and I can't play ball!

MAN: Shut up!

Sorry!

Hey, and the good news is you can stop lying.

You don't ever, ever have to play basketball again in your life.

Oh, no, Joy. I'm going to play one more time.

And the world will know my secret.

(BELIEVE IT OR NOT PLAYING) ♪ Look at what's happened to me

♪ I can't believe it myself

Yay! Eddie!

Eddie Stark. I really suck.

Don't let the height fool you.

I'm the worst player out here.

You're going down.

You know it, mister!

♪ Believe it or not I'm walking on air

♪ I never thought I could feel so free

♪ Flying away on a wing and a prayer

♪ Who could it be?

♪ Believe it or not It's just me

♪ Just like a light of a new day

Wow, he's worse than I imagined.

The sad thing is he's actually improved.

I'll be right back. Excuse me.

♪ Believe it or not I'm walking on air

♪ I never thought I could feel so free

♪ Flying away on a wing and a prayer

♪ Who could it be?

♪ Believe it or not ♪

(BELL RINGS)

MAN: Fire alarm. The game's over.

Where's everybody going? I was just...

Just getting warmed up. Come on!

Hey, thanks for coming tonight.

I wouldn't have missed it.

You're the one who pulled that fire alarm, aren't you?

Yes. Mmm-hmm.

I think it's great that you showed the world who you really are,

but at a certain point, the world had had enough.

(EXCLAIMS)

I made it! It went in! It went in!

JOY: Sure it did, babe.

It went in.

ed

ed t

ed the

ed the w

ed the wor

ed the world

ed the world wh

ed the world who

ed the world who yo

ed the world who you

ed the world who you re

ed the world who you real

ed the world who you really

ed the world who you really a

ed the world who you really are

ed the world who you really are,

but I think at a certain point the world had had enough.

♪ Suddenly I'm up on top of the world

♪ It should've been somebody else

♪ Believe it or not I'm walking on air

♪ I never thought I could feel so free

♪ Flying away on a wing and a prayer

♪ Who could it be?

♪ Believe it or not it's just me ♪

Nothing but net.

JOY: There aren't enough hours in the day.

EDDIE: I know.