Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:06,706
EDDIE: Ah,
can't wait.
2
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:09,576
Oh, you folks are
going to have to move.
This is our table.
3
00:00:09,642 --> 00:00:10,643
Huh, how's that?
4
00:00:10,710 --> 00:00:12,479
We put the
ketchups there.
5
00:00:12,545 --> 00:00:15,148
Oh, you think you
can hold a table
with condiments.
6
00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:18,685
(LAUGHING) That is
just adorable.
7
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,489
We have our
children here.
8
00:00:22,555 --> 00:00:24,958
Well, I guess
the whole family
learned a lesson.
9
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:29,596
All right,
let's go order, babe.
What do you want?
10
00:00:29,662 --> 00:00:31,164
JEFF: Usual.
All right.
11
00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:33,800
Oh, God.
12
00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:35,235
What?
13
00:00:35,301 --> 00:00:37,404
That's Lucas Bender
over there.
14
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:40,540
He's the vice-principal
of a snooty private school.
15
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,108
He lured away
our drama teacher
16
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:44,544
with the promise
of a fog machine.
17
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,113
I hate that
pretentious little...
Hey!
18
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:48,681
Hey!
19
00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:49,883
Big guy!
Woodcock!
20
00:00:49,949 --> 00:00:51,418
{\an8}(LAUGHS)
All right!
21
00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:53,953
What are you doing here,
public school guy? Huh?
22
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:55,622
Shouldn't you be
figuring out a way
to tell the kids
23
00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:58,058
there isn't going to be
any more music class?
24
00:00:58,124 --> 00:01:00,326
(BOTH LAUGHING)
25
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:03,997
Oh, anyway,
who is this beauty?
26
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,599
Hi, I'm Steph, Jeff's wife.
27
00:01:06,666 --> 00:01:12,205
Are you guys doing a bit?
Because one of these things
is not like the other.
28
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,175
What are you saying?
29
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,743
I think he's saying
I'm better-looking
than you.
30
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,578
I know what
he's saying.
I get it.
31
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,548
Lucas Bender.
Vice-principal,
32
00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:23,883
Circle of Learning and
Scholastic Study for Youth,
33
00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:26,086
A.K.A., classy.
34
00:01:27,053 --> 00:01:28,721
Okay, good talk.
35
00:01:28,788 --> 00:01:32,292
Hey, by the way,
I'm starting a faculty
basketball league
36
00:01:32,358 --> 00:01:36,029
and I was hoping you and
your pear-shaped colleagues
at Churchill wanted to play.
37
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:39,532
I mean, of course,
if the $25 sign-up fee
isn't too steep for you.
38
00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:43,269
I have a
discretionary fund.
39
00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:45,805
I can move
some things around.
40
00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:48,074
That's great.
Then I'll pencil you in
to play us,
41
00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:48,975
first game
of the season.
42
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,344
Okay?
We provide
refs and water
43
00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:54,848
and special lockers
for your bonnets
and sundresses. Oh!
44
00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:57,417
See, that's funny,
'cause I'm saying
you play like girls.
45
00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,086
Well, I think
we'll be all right.
46
00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:01,588
Why don't you
look behind you.
47
00:02:01,654 --> 00:02:03,256
Say hello
to Eddie Stark.
48
00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:07,160
The tallest history teacher
in the contiguous 48 states.
49
00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:12,232
Well, guilty as charged.
It's all there on a recorded
but unaired segment on NPR.
50
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,336
So you work
at Churchill, huh?
51
00:02:16,402 --> 00:02:18,238
So I don't know what
your situation is
over there,
52
00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:22,242
but I would love to
take you to dinner
so we can talk.
53
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:23,476
Okay, I'm a little
behind here.
54
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:25,345
Why is this guy
hitting on me?
55
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,950
He's the guy whose ass
you and Jeff are going to kick
in a faculty basketball game.
56
00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:32,619
Oh, Eddie is
great at basketball.
57
00:02:32,685 --> 00:02:36,589
His nickname was "Drano"
'cause he could drain it
from anywhere on the floor.
58
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:37,657
Come on, tell them.
59
00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:39,359
Well, I just took
what God gave me,
60
00:02:39,425 --> 00:02:41,828
and mixed it in with
a little hard work and...
61
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:43,463
The results were
pretty spectacular.
62
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:44,764
(LAUGHS)
63
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,800
And who is this
little snack cake?
64
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,971
(GIGGLES)
65
00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:54,307
I'm Joy.
66
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,809
Pull yourself
together.
67
00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:01,347
(JINGLE PLAYING)
68
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:25,838
{\an8}JOY: 'Til Death
is filmed in front of
a live studio audience.
69
00:03:25,905 --> 00:03:30,877
{\an8}Gentlemen,
our opponents this week
call themselves "classy."
70
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:33,046
{\an8}Here's what they really are.
71
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,556
{\an8}"Assy" doesn't make
you guys laugh?
72
00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:47,393
{\an8}What are you, dead inside?
73
00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:50,230
{\an8}Hey! What's up
superstars, huh?
74
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,099
{\an8}(ALL LAUGHING)
75
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:54,067
{\an8}All right,
should we practice
or cut right to the
76
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,536
{\an8}incredibly uncomfortable
group shower?
77
00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,340
{\an8}All right!
The franchise is here.
78
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:03,042
{\an8}Now, I'm going to
make our game strategy
real easy to remember.
79
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:05,745
{\an8}Get the ball
80
00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:07,981
{\an8}to tall.
81
00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:09,849
{\an8}Okay? All right.
82
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,417
{\an8}(BLOWING WHISTLE)
Layup lines.
83
00:04:11,484 --> 00:04:12,585
{\an8}ALL: Let's do it!
84
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,323
{\an8}All right, I have
a little warm-up thing
I do on my own.
85
00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:20,927
{\an8}It's a strict
stretching regimen that I
learned from a doctor once.
86
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:23,062
{\an8}Dr. J.
87
00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:25,365
{\an8}Oh, you do what
you got to do,
big man.
88
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,967
{\an8}All right,
let's get this party started.
89
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:29,936
Son of a...
90
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,037
(SCREAMING)
91
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,372
(SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL)
92
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,041
EDDIE: Easy.
93
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,844
Okay, we're almost there.
10 more steps.
94
00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:39,679
Jeff, are you doing
anything over there
at all?
95
00:04:39,746 --> 00:04:42,415
I'm trying,
but everything I grab
has hair on it.
96
00:04:42,482 --> 00:04:44,617
(GROANING)
97
00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:46,653
Easy, easy,
it's the hammy again.
98
00:04:46,719 --> 00:04:49,822
She's screaming at me.
Cut it off! Just cut it off!
99
00:04:51,557 --> 00:04:53,159
All right.
100
00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:55,495
This is okay.
This is just a game.
101
00:04:55,561 --> 00:05:00,066
Eddie, the important thing
is that you rest
and take time to heal.
102
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,135
We'll be fine without you.
103
00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:04,203
Heal, damn it! Heal!
104
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:06,472
Take the pain,
put it in me!
105
00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:09,409
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I don't even touch me
that way!
106
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:20,119
Feel better, Eddie.
Sorry Jeff touched
your junk.
107
00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:26,459
(DOOR CLOSING)
108
00:05:34,867 --> 00:05:36,035
(DOOR OPENING)
109
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,482
(GROANS)
110
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:52,719
Oh, my leg!
Why would I use
my bad leg?
111
00:05:52,785 --> 00:05:54,620
That was a stupid call!
112
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:58,558
(GROANS)
113
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:00,693
Eddie, what's going on?
114
00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:04,597
I faked my injury.
115
00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:06,332
Yeah, I got that.
116
00:06:07,266 --> 00:06:08,868
Why?
117
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:12,772
I can't tell you.
It's too embarrassing.
118
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:17,276
Come on, Eddie.
Lower the walls.
119
00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:21,481
It's me. Steph.
120
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:24,016
I barely know you.
The other day
I called you "Sabrina."
121
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:26,819
You have to tell me.
122
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,087
(SIGHS)
123
00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:30,189
All right.
124
00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:32,658
I...
125
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,161
I've never said this
out loud before.
126
00:06:36,195 --> 00:06:38,731
I'm bad at basketball.
127
00:06:38,798 --> 00:06:40,099
Don't look at me,
look away.
128
00:06:42,702 --> 00:06:45,238
How could you be
bad at basketball?
129
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:46,506
You're so tall!
130
00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,174
Yeah, see,
there it is.
131
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:51,377
And that's what
I've been dealing with
my whole life.
132
00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:54,781
People just assume because
I'm 6'8" that I would be
great at ball, okay?
133
00:06:54,847 --> 00:06:58,217
Well, I'm not.
You know what it's like living
under that kind of pressure?
134
00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:00,286
People constantly
calling you "Big Man"
135
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,522
when you feel
so small inside?
136
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,161
Eddie,
with all due respect,
137
00:07:08,227 --> 00:07:11,230
I think you're blowing this
way out of proportion.
138
00:07:11,297 --> 00:07:13,733
I don't think anybody else
really cares that much.
139
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:18,504
Oh? Do you know that
that is the only reason
why Joy and I got together?
140
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:19,772
What?
141
00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:22,308
Our first date was awful.
142
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,978
Bad food,
stilted conversation.
143
00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:28,581
At one point, I sneezed
and a small fart came out.
144
00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:35,922
Anyway, I thought I would
never see her again
145
00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:38,057
and then she saw
my high school yearbook,
146
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,959
and she started
going through it
147
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,260
and she saw
the picture of me
on the basketball team,
148
00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:44,197
and I start making up
these crazy stories
149
00:07:44,263 --> 00:07:47,400
that I took the school
to two state finals.
150
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,936
And the truth is,
the coach never played me.
151
00:07:51,537 --> 00:07:53,072
And shortly after that,
152
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:55,308
we did the nasty.
153
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,847
You and the coach?
154
00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:10,490
No, me and Joy.
155
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:13,593
Eddie, how could you
lie like that
to your own wife?
156
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,495
Well, I didn't know she would
end up being the one.
157
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:18,531
I mean, at that point,
she was just a
cute French major
158
00:08:18,598 --> 00:08:19,966
with big cans.
159
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,102
Eddie!
What? I'm a guy!
160
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:26,305
A week before,
I told some girl that I was
training to be an astronaut.
161
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:30,409
If I'd married her,
I'd be sitting in
a space suit right now.
162
00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:32,979
Eddie, you have to
tell Joy.
163
00:08:33,045 --> 00:08:35,548
She loves you.
She'll accept you
for who you are.
164
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,418
I... I couldn't.
165
00:08:39,485 --> 00:08:43,523
You're faking injuries.
Lying to the people you love.
166
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:45,992
How long are you going to
run away from the truth?
167
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:49,395
I'm so tired.
168
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,243
No more secrets, big man.
169
00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:08,381
I'm about to set you free.
170
00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:11,851
Hey.
171
00:09:11,918 --> 00:09:13,853
Hey, you're in
your gym clothes.
172
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:18,024
Yeah. I was gonna stop by
on the way home from work
and do some cardio,
173
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:19,258
but then I didn't.
174
00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:22,695
What you looking at?
Your old yearbook?
175
00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:24,163
Yeah.
176
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:25,431
(CHUCKLING)
177
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:29,168
Look at you.
The legend of Drano.
178
00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:32,905
You were a man among boys.
179
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:36,042
Seriously, look at this guy.
He looks like
he's 10 years old.
180
00:09:36,108 --> 00:09:38,110
Not in the locker room,
he didn't.
181
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:52,291
You know, it's funny
182
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:55,628
how someone's appearance
makes you assume
something about them
183
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:57,730
that really isn't true.
184
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:02,034
Look, I didn't go
to the gym, okay?
Get off my back.
185
00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:08,708
No, honey,
sit down for me.
186
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:09,909
I, um...
187
00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:15,147
I need to talk to you
about the game on Saturday.
188
00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:16,949
Oh! I forgot to tell you!
189
00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:19,285
I invited the girls
from the office.
190
00:10:19,885 --> 00:10:21,454
You did?
191
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,291
Yeah, I guess I'm just...
I'm so excited.
192
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:28,961
This is the first time
I'm ever going to
see you actually play.
193
00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:30,630
That can't be.
194
00:10:30,696 --> 00:10:32,999
Yes. Yeah, yeah.
It's true.
195
00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:37,603
There was the one time
that you were going to play
in the family picnic,
196
00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:40,373
and you accidentally
threw the ball into the lake.
197
00:10:40,439 --> 00:10:41,340
Uh-huh, uh-huh...
You remember that?
198
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:42,975
Yep, yep.
And then, um...
199
00:10:43,042 --> 00:10:46,312
Oh, and the other time was...
We were walking
through the park
200
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:48,714
and those guys asked you
to play in the pickup game,
remember?
201
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:50,449
And you had a seizure.
202
00:10:50,516 --> 00:10:51,517
Yeah.
203
00:10:57,189 --> 00:10:58,791
It was a scary time.
204
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,327
Listen, I, um...
205
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:03,896
I need to tell you
something.
206
00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:07,099
My God,
you are cute
in those shorts.
207
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:10,036
I am?
208
00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:15,641
Yeah. I mean,
look at that
young, taut body.
209
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:19,378
I gotta tell you,
if I knew you back then,
210
00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:21,047
I would have taken you
under the bleachers
211
00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:22,982
and I would have
rocked your world.
212
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,116
Well, well...
213
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,217
(LAUGHS)
214
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,386
I would've
rocked your world
215
00:11:27,453 --> 00:11:32,458
because I was
so good at basketball.
216
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:36,896
{\an8},
217
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:36,929
{\an8}, yo
218
00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:36,962
{\an8}, you
219
00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:36,996
{\an8}, you kn
220
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:37,029
{\an8}, you know
221
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:37,063
{\an8}, you know w
222
00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:37,096
{\an8}, you know wha
223
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:37,196
{\an8}, you know what?
224
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:37,263
{\an8}, you know what?
225
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:37,329
{\an8}, you know what?
226
00:11:37,329 --> 00:11:37,396
{\an8}, you know what?
227
00:11:37,396 --> 00:11:37,430
{\an8}, you know what?
Yo
228
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:37,463
{\an8}, you know what?
You
229
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:37,496
{\an8}, you know what?
You go
230
00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:37,530
{\an8}, you know what?
You go t
231
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:37,563
{\an8}, you know what?
You go to
232
00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:37,596
{\an8}, you know what?
You go to he
233
00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:37,630
{\an8}, you know what?
You go to hell
234
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:37,663
{\an8}, you know what?
You go to hell!
235
00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:42,001
Who was that?
236
00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:43,602
School librarian.
237
00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:47,506
She's 6'2", but she won't
play in the game.
238
00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:49,709
Something about her
grandkids...
239
00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:50,943
Blah, blah, blah...
240
00:11:52,578 --> 00:11:55,948
Oh, Steph, a quick question.
241
00:11:56,015 --> 00:12:02,421
Hypothetically, if I were to
lose a bet to a vice-principal
from another school
242
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:05,925
and you had to, say,
dance in a bikini
243
00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:08,494
while he hosed you down
on the roof of his condo...
244
00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:13,399
Is that something we could
bounce back from?
245
00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:18,871
I'm going to make
a phone call.
246
00:12:22,007 --> 00:12:24,310
I tried.
I tried but
I can't tell her.
247
00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:25,377
What?
Yeah.
248
00:12:25,444 --> 00:12:27,079
I gotta play
in the game now
on Saturday.
249
00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:31,684
And to make matters worse,
she's bringing the hens
from her office.
250
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,587
They already know about
my occasional deficiencies
as a morning lover,
251
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:36,021
and now this!
252
00:12:38,023 --> 00:12:42,128
(SHOUTING) What if you were
dancing in a one-piece and
it was not in his condo, huh?
253
00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:43,729
Hey! Are you okay?
254
00:12:43,796 --> 00:12:46,165
Oh, I am great.
I am back in the game.
255
00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:49,769
Bet's back on!
Get ready to lose
your moped, douche!
256
00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:52,705
I'm screwed.
I'm a fraud.
257
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,707
I am Milli
and/or Vanilli.
258
00:12:56,909 --> 00:12:58,010
Which one was
the tall one?
259
00:12:58,077 --> 00:13:00,012
I don't know.
I wasn't alive then.
260
00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:08,287
Look, I know you're
in a tough spot,
but I think I can help.
261
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:09,989
I played basketball
in high school
262
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:12,658
until I gave it up
to smoke cigarettes.
263
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:16,095
All I need to do
is teach you one move.
264
00:13:16,162 --> 00:13:18,397
Really?
You think you can
do that?
265
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:19,865
I know I can.
266
00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:21,433
Okay, here we go!
267
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:22,368
Okay!
268
00:13:23,169 --> 00:13:23,969
Okay.
269
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,106
I really appreciate this.
270
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:29,575
All right, shake it off.
271
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,743
Yep!
272
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,179
(GROANING)
273
00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:36,015
All right, one more time.
Do it again, do it again.
274
00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:37,383
This is the one.
Yeah.
275
00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:38,417
Okay?
276
00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:43,923
(GROANING)
277
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:46,425
This is ridiculous.
You're like this far away.
278
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,860
It just...
It just doesn't
feel normal.
279
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:50,162
But you know what,
maybe I'm right-handed.
280
00:13:50,229 --> 00:13:51,664
You've been using
your right hand.
281
00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:53,165
Maybe I'm left-handed.
282
00:13:53,232 --> 00:13:54,466
You don't know
which hand you are?
283
00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:57,703
Oh, my God,
maybe I'm not handed!
284
00:13:57,770 --> 00:14:00,840
Joy is gonna find me out.
Jeff is making bets
based on my talent.
285
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,775
Everything is piling up on me!
286
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,144
And the game is tomorrow,
what am I gonna do?
287
00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:07,313
(SIGHS)
288
00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:08,948
You're pretty boned, dude.
289
00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:16,989
(BALL BOUNCING)
290
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:24,096
(EDDIE GRUNTING)
291
00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:31,003
(GRUNTS)
292
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,710
Get in the basket,
you round, orange,
son of a bitch.
293
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:41,480
Eddie.
Hey.
294
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,083
What the hell is going on?
It is the middle of the night.
295
00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:46,785
Yeah, well,
I told myself around 10:00
296
00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:49,822
that I would just
keep shooting until
I made a thousand shots.
297
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,391
That was hours ago.
How many have you made?
298
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:53,626
Six-ish.
299
00:14:55,794 --> 00:14:56,962
All right, well,
will you keep it down?
300
00:14:57,029 --> 00:14:59,164
I'm looking at a
really rough morning.
301
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,667
My midnight snack
took a weird turn
302
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,670
from a bowl of Cap'n Crunch
to a bottle of Chardonnay.
303
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,306
(YAWNING)
Good night.
304
00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:09,341
Joy.
305
00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:14,480
I'm not a good
basketball player.
306
00:15:14,546 --> 00:15:17,583
Well, you're a little rusty.
It's a faculty game,
come on.
307
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:18,617
You'll do fine.
308
00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:20,052
No, no, no,
you don't understand.
309
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:23,422
I've never been a
good basketball player.
310
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,057
What about the
yearbook picture?
311
00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:26,492
They called you "Drano."
312
00:15:26,558 --> 00:15:29,128
Well, they didn't call me that
because I could shoot, okay?
313
00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:31,897
One time before a game,
I threw up into
the water fountain,
314
00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:35,167
and it took them
three bottles of Drano
to clean that thing out.
315
00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:38,103
That's disgusting.
316
00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:41,540
What the hell
is going on here?
317
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:44,510
(STAMMERING)
Why would you lie to me
after all these years?
318
00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:45,878
Because I had to.
319
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,212
What are you talking about?
320
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:48,914
All right, you remember
our first date?
321
00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:51,383
The only reason you didn't
walk out on me that night
322
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:54,019
is because you saw my picture
on the basketball team.
323
00:15:54,086 --> 00:15:57,323
That's not true.
I liked other stuff about you.
324
00:15:57,389 --> 00:15:59,525
Yeah. What other stuff?
325
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,095
Stuff.
326
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:07,266
Shut up, I married you,
didn't I?
327
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:13,539
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You married big, tall Eddie,
the basketball superstar.
328
00:16:13,605 --> 00:16:15,741
Hey, well, it was my lie
that got us here today,
329
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,210
so you can't be
mad at me about that.
330
00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:20,112
I'm not.
331
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:23,182
Men have told
bigger lies than that
to get a ticket on this ride.
332
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:27,119
What I am pissed about
is that you feel after
20 years,
333
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:29,121
you need to
keep secrets from me.
334
00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:31,457
Especially about basketball.
335
00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:33,659
I mean, what did you think
that I was going to say?
336
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:37,429
My 45-year-old
husband can't dunk.
I want a divorce!
337
00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:42,868
I once missed an exit
on the expressway
and you almost beheaded me.
338
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,771
You run hot and cold.
339
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:50,709
Eddie, if I were going to
make a list of reasons
why I would leave you,
340
00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:53,278
your lack of basketball skills
341
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:57,249
would run a distant third
to your wardrobe
and the way you...
342
00:16:57,316 --> 00:16:58,484
(SNORTING)
343
00:16:58,550 --> 00:16:59,518
(CLEARING THROAT)
344
00:17:00,552 --> 00:17:02,154
...in the shower.
345
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,192
I have a deviated septum.
346
00:17:07,259 --> 00:17:10,462
I'm sorry, but I guess
everything just has been
building up in my head
347
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,131
for so long.
348
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:14,066
(SIGHS)
349
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,135
You know,
I never told anyone this,
350
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:21,073
but when Allison was born,
I was so relieved
that she was a girl,
351
00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:24,576
because I couldn't imagine
how I was going to
relate to a boy
352
00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:26,979
without being able to
play all those sports.
353
00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:30,115
I mean, I was so scared.
354
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:31,984
Baby.
355
00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:34,720
You're a giant,
356
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:39,058
awkward,
oddly beautiful man,
357
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,693
and you have nothing
to be ashamed of.
358
00:17:43,262 --> 00:17:45,764
So you really don't care
that I can't play basketball?
359
00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:48,400
I so really don't care.
360
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:50,369
(EXCLAIMS)
361
00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:53,539
I feel so light.
362
00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:54,640
(LAUGHS)
363
00:17:54,706 --> 00:17:57,276
So free.
364
00:17:57,342 --> 00:18:01,413
I'm tall and I
can't play ball.
365
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,716
I'm tall and I
can't play ball!
366
00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:06,151
MAN: Shut up!
367
00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:09,321
Sorry!
368
00:18:09,388 --> 00:18:13,592
Hey, and the good news is
you can stop lying.
369
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:17,629
You don't ever, ever
have to play basketball again
in your life.
370
00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:22,634
Oh, no, Joy.
I'm going to play
one more time.
371
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:25,838
And the world
will know my secret.
372
00:18:29,074 --> 00:18:33,212
{\an8}(BELIEVE IT OR NOT PLAYING)
♪ Look at what's
happened to me
373
00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:36,348
♪ I can't believe it myself
374
00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:37,883
Yay! Eddie!
375
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,686
Eddie Stark.
I really suck.
376
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:41,987
Don't let the height
fool you.
377
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:44,456
I'm the worst player
out here.
378
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:45,757
You're going down.
379
00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:47,126
You know it, mister!
380
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:50,996
♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air
381
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:55,601
♪ I never thought
I could feel so free
382
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:59,805
♪ Flying away on
a wing and a prayer
383
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:03,609
♪ Who could it be?
384
00:19:03,675 --> 00:19:07,579
♪ Believe it or not
It's just me
385
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,927
♪ Just like a light
of a new day
386
00:19:23,428 --> 00:19:26,298
Wow, he's worse
than I imagined.
387
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:28,834
The sad thing is
he's actually improved.
388
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,542
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
389
00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:40,245
♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air
390
00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:45,150
♪ I never thought
I could feel so free
391
00:19:45,217 --> 00:19:49,188
♪ Flying away on
a wing and a prayer
392
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:53,058
♪ Who could it be?
393
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:54,760
♪ Believe it or not ♪
394
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:55,627
(BELL RINGS)
395
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,162
MAN: Fire alarm.
The game's over.
396
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,169
Where's everybody going?
I was just...
397
00:20:04,236 --> 00:20:06,338
Just getting warmed up.
Come on!
398
00:20:13,645 --> 00:20:15,013
Hey, thanks for
coming tonight.
399
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,515
I wouldn't have
missed it.
400
00:20:16,582 --> 00:20:18,817
You're the one
who pulled that fire alarm,
aren't you?
401
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,686
Yes.
Mmm-hmm.
402
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:23,689
I think it's great that
you showed the world
who you really are,
403
00:20:23,755 --> 00:20:26,825
but at a certain point,
the world had had enough.
404
00:20:34,499 --> 00:20:35,467
(EXCLAIMS)
405
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:39,238
I made it! It went in!
It went in!
406
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:40,539
JOY: Sure it did, babe.
407
00:20:41,807 --> 00:20:43,075
It went in.
408
00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:47,412
{\an8}ed
409
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:47,446
{\an8}ed t
410
00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:47,479
{\an8}ed the
411
00:20:47,479 --> 00:20:47,512
{\an8}ed the w
412
00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:47,546
{\an8}ed the wor
413
00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:47,646
{\an8}ed the world
414
00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:47,679
{\an8}ed the world
wh
415
00:20:47,679 --> 00:20:47,713
{\an8}ed the world
who
416
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:47,746
{\an8}ed the world
who yo
417
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:47,779
{\an8}ed the world
who you
418
00:20:47,779 --> 00:20:47,813
{\an8}ed the world
who you re
419
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:47,846
{\an8}ed the world
who you real
420
00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:47,879
{\an8}ed the world
who you really
421
00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:47,913
{\an8}ed the world
who you really a
422
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:47,946
{\an8}ed the world
who you really are
423
00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:47,980
{\an8}ed the world
who you really are,
424
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,686
but I think
at a certain point
the world had had enough.
425
00:20:56,755 --> 00:21:00,659
♪ Suddenly I'm up
on top of the world
426
00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:04,696
{\an8}♪ It should've been
somebody else
427
00:21:07,065 --> 00:21:10,235
{\an8}♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air
428
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:15,173
{\an8}♪ I never thought I could
feel so free
429
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:19,211
{\an8}♪ Flying away on
a wing and a prayer
430
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:23,148
{\an8}♪ Who could it be?
431
00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:27,686
{\an8}♪ Believe it or not
it's just me ♪
432
00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:29,121
{\an8}Nothing but net.
433
00:21:29,187 --> 00:21:29,755
{\an8}JOY: There aren't enough
hours in the day.
434
00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:30,989
{\an8}EDDIE: I know.
34024
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
