Original subtitles

Thank you.

Eddie, we got these gorgeous flowers.

I have no idea who they're from. There's no card.

Oh, actually they're from me.

(LAUGHING)

No, seriously, they're from me.

Then why didn't you send a card?

Well, Inspector, because I thought it would be more mysterious to not send a card,

and also I don't like to dictate randy messages to Irene at the flower shop.

It doesn't make any sense. It's not my birthday.

It's not our anniversary. You're way too lazy to have an affair.

Okay, look, I sent you flowers, okay? It's a good thing.

I didn't take food from a child. I didn't punch a nun.

I sent you flowers because I think you're pretty great.

All right? But you know what? Maybe I should just go to hell.

You got me flowers just because?

Like, when people are in love?

Don't get carried away.

Come here, you.

(LAUGHS) They're beautiful.

Thank you. Let me put them in some water. You're welcome.

All right.

Oh, there is a card.

"So sorry for your loss."

What have I lost?

Any desire to have sex with me?

(JINGLE PLAYING)

JEFF: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Come on, the movie is starting in 20 minutes.

Coming.

Oh, good Lord.

Okay, look. You know the drill, okay?

We bought you the movie coat specifically to accommodate candy.

Why don't I just swallow a balloon full of Skittles and smuggle it in my stomach?

Don't tease me. Okay, now, here. All right. Keep that upright.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey. Hey.

We actually can't make it to the movies tonight.

Mr. Bauer died.

Our neighbor from across the street.

Directly across the street.

Oh, is that the suspenders-and-a-belt guy?

Yep. Yeah.

Oh. That's terrible.

Very sad.

So, you can't go to the movies because...

Our neighbor died last night.

Well, what better time to let Queen Latifah make us laugh?

The funeral's Thursday. We'd offer to take you, but we got to be there early.

I'm making some opening remarks on behalf of the neighbors.

I'm a pallbearer.

Really?

Yeah. Everyone in the neighborhood's doing something.

Even that guy who lives in his car.

He's an usher.

(SIGHS) Well, we'd better go.

Mmm.

Oh, the tickets were, like, $19.

But that's a whenever thing.

Okay, well, let's get going. That hoagie in your pants ain't getting any younger.

Should we feel bad that everyone on the block

is doing something for this funeral, and we're not?

Joy, look, you should feel relieved. We're not neighborly types, okay?

We're not sociable. We don't wave at people who are waving at us.

I mean, on Halloween, we turn off all the lights

and we army-crawl to the fridge,

so the kids won't know we're home, and I love that about us.

Now, come on, I bought the tickets online. If anybody asks, you're over 65.

Hey, I'm done with my speech for the funeral. Can I read it to you?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

(SIGHING)

What is a neighbor?

Well, if the neighbor is Charlie Bauer,

then the "N" is for nice.

"E" is for his electric mower.

"I" is for the Igloo cooler.

Okay, you might want to skip down to "O" because,

oh, my God, you're going to eat it if you read this thing.

Are you seriously dissing my eulogy?

I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little, um... What's the word?

Blows.

Okay, well, how about I make a different speech about you? "F" is for go...

Okay, I'm going to stop you right now.

You see, Steph, when you took the Woodcock name...

Which, by the way, was a pretty big downgrade from Taylor.

I gave you the option of hyphenating.

Wait, look, my point is what you do reflects on me, and what I do reflects on you,

and, frankly, I think Mr. Bauer deserves a little more than,

"Today's funeral was brought to you by the letter 'B.'"

Baby, how about this? How about I write the speech, and you give it?

I don't think so.

Come on, you know that I'm a great writer.

Remember that one-act play I wrote in college?

Oh, right. About that scientist who built a robot who could cry.

It was pretty deep stuff.

You do understand that robots don't usually feel emotion, right?

(WHISPERS) Yeah, I got that.

So, what do you say? Can I give it a shot?

Fine, whatever. Awesome.

(EXCLAIMS) This speech is going to kick ass!

In a very somber and reflective way.

Mrs. Bauer, I'm Joy Stark from across the street.

Uh, I think these are yours. Oh.

I'm sorry about the burned ones,

but my husband had a pretty big bacon fire this morning.

Oh, thank you.

Okay. Would...

Would you like to join me for some tea?

Uh...

Yeah. I would love to.

Okay.

Hey, what you doing?

Picking out a dress for Mr. Bauer's funeral.

You're actually going to that thing?

Yeah. I'm kind of singing at it.

Oh, boy, great. Okay, here we go.

Now you've opened the floodgates.

Now we're going to get invited to things left and right.

Weddings, uh, barbecues...

You want to go to those swinging key parties, huh? Huh?

Is that your game, lady?

You want to get your jollies with that gorgeous orthodontist up the block

with the gorgeous gutters and his gorgeous aluminum siding?

Eddie, I went to that woman's house today and I learned things

about her husband.

Fascinating things.

For instance, I bet you didn't know that his hobby was making quilts.

No, I did not, but I wish I had one of those quilts right now

because your little story here is putting me to sleep.

Something happened to me today. I connected with someone.

I... I drank tea.

You hate tea.

I know!

(OVEN DINGS)

Oh, my pie for the wake.

Okay, somebody died and you've been included,

so now you're part of the "in" crowd, but this...

(STAMMERING) All right, see, this is not who we are.

We are not bring-people-pie people.

No, you are not. What does that mean?

The other night, you said that we don't like to socialize

and we don't like to be around people,

and I realized that you're wrong.

You don't like it. I do! Or at least I did until you brainwashed me.

Oh, come on, how did I brainwash you?

You seduced me with your siren song of "Let's just stay home.

"We could eat naked!"

I don't want to eat naked.

I want to go to funerals and wear solemn yet sexy dresses like this one.

If you put a napkin on your lap like I told you,

eating naked is both sanitary and fun.

You know what the bottom line is? I don't have to be this way.

I'm different from you. I'm good with people.

I'm good with people! I could be very charming if I want to be.

Okay.

This grumpy-guy thing, it's a routine. I can turn it on and off like a switch.

Oh, there's a switch?

Yes. Yes. There's a switch.

Oh, well, where would this switch be located? Is it in the basement?

Is it the mystery switch next to the garbage disposal?

It is a metaphorical switch

in my heart that turns on the magic.

All I know is I just met this woman today

and she has asked me to sing at the funeral.

And Jeff's a freakin' pallbearer. What are you?

Oh, you don't think I could be a pallbearer if I wanted to be?

No, I don't.

All I gotta do is bat my little, cute, puppy-dog eyes

and I will be getting pallbearer invitations all the time.

I will be carrying caskets every weekend, and I will be strong!

(GASPS)

Yeah, that'll happen.

Oh, you know what? It is gonna happen

because I'm going to make a little special visit

to a certain widow and it's gonna happen right now.

It's the green house across the street.

Helen Bauer.

Blueberry.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hello, Helen Bauer. I'm Eddie Stark from across the street.

I believe my wife, Joy, was here earlier today.

Oh, yes, she's a lovely girl.

Well, it takes one to know one.

(CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I baked you a little something. It's nothing much.

I was just hoping that these blueberries would help chase your blues away.

Oh, that's very kind of you. Would you like to come in?

Oh, I shouldn't. Ah, what the hay.

Oh, my. So, this is where it all happens, huh?

Wow. Looks like you squeezed every inch out of this mantel here, huh?

Oh, you are stupid with snow globes.

So, funeral tomorrow.

Yes.

The big day!

I suppose.

It's hard to believe he's gone, you know?

All we have left are his fabulous quilts.

Did Charlie make you a quilt?

Uh, a small one. Oh, I'd love to see it.

Well, I gave it away. Oh!

Yeah, not by choice. I was mugged by a couple of punks

who loved country crafts.

Anyhoo, um...

I was wondering if perhaps there was a way I could help out at the funeral tomorrow.

You know, some kind of, um, final honor

to maybe help transport him.

Perhaps with five other men.

Please don't touch my stuff.

Yeah, okay.

What I'm trying to say, Mrs. Bauer, is it would be a great honor,

nay, privilege, if I could be a pallbearer for Charlie tomorrow.

I'm afraid not.

Please? No.

Pretty please? I'm sorry,

but the men I chose as pallbearers all knew Charlie very well.

Oh, really? Well, did any of them offer you $100...

How'd that go?

Bam, I'm in! I am on the box.

"And thus, Charlie Bauer lives on in our hearts,

"in our souls and in our neighborhood."

Huh?

Great eulogy, boss.

(EXCLAIMING) Thanks. It's better than Steph's, right?

Absolutely, boss.

Hey, and thanks for listening to both of them.

No, thank you.

It's rare that you can just wander into someone's office and hear two long speeches

about a guy you didn't know. Especially when you're just trying to borrow some tape.

Oh!

Hey, fellas. Listen, Jeffy, I need you to step down

and give me your pallbearer spot at the Bauer funeral

tomorrow. Okay?

Appreciate it. Later, gators.

Whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why?

Well, I went over to the widow's to get one of the spots

but, man, she is holding on to 'em like chocolate bars during wartime.

Eddie, why do you want to be a pallbearer so bad?

Because I lied to Joy, and I told her that I was gonna be one,

because, for some reason, she thinks that I'm not charming and I'm not sociable.

Wait a minute. What was that? What... What's happening?

Nothing, nothing. We were all just caught in your charming

and sociable spell.

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

I think he was being, as we like to say in the French department,

sarcastique.

So, what are you saying, that you agree with Joy?

Well, Eddie, there are certain things about you that make people...

Scared.

How's that?

Well, for starters, you're a big 'un.

Normal-sized folks see you coming down the street, and say, "Let's cross."

And it's not just the height. He always has this look like he's, like, mad.

Or...sad.

That's another thing, his voice.

It's so low. It's almost like a...

Oh, yeah. It's like the bad guy in the movies who calls the babysitter.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah! Eddie, come on, say,

"I'm calling from inside the house."

No, I don't want to.

Just do it. It'll be cool. Yeah.

I'm calling from inside the house.

(LAUGHING)

All right, that's enough.

All right, I finished your speech.

You're gonna be the talk of the funeral. Go on. Read it.

"When my husband Jeff and I..."

Okay, let's, uh, swallow that on up and, uh, stand up.

Put some life into it.

"When my husband Jeff and I first moved to the neighborhood..."

Into the neighborhood. What?

You said, "To the neighborhood." It should be, "Into the neighborhood."

Yeah. That'll make a difference.

It will make a difference. It's a rhythm thing.

What, crying-robot rhythm?

All right, you get one more about the play. One more.

Okay. Just one question. Was the robot crying because he had to read your words?

And that's it. Okay.

Let us continue.

Into the neighborhood...

(SIGHS)

"When my husband Jeff and I first moved into the neighborhood..."

You know what? You know what? You are totally tanking.

You're taking a beautifully-crafted speech

and you're making it sound like crap.

Look, dude, if it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage.

Okay. All right. Fine. You just go ahead and read yours. I can't wait.

And actually, even if you wanted mine right now, I wouldn't let you have it.

You know what?

I'll read yours. Really?

No.

Hi. I'm Stephanie Taylor-Woodcock.

I'm nervous about my singing.

Are you? You want to go? Let's go.

No, Eddie! You're a pallbearer.

Oh, he was tiny. Five guys can handle it.

What is a neighbor?

Well, if the neighbor is Charlie Bauer,

then the "N" is for nice.

"E" is for his electric mower.

"I" is for...

Are you crying 'cause of the speech?

Tell me you're not crying 'cause of the speech, are you?

"H" is for his fishing hat,

even though he wasn't quite the fisherman he claimed to be.

(ALL LAUGHING)

"B" is for...

How is that funny?

Okay, someone explain to me how that's funny, please.

Shh!

Now, we would like to welcome neighbor Joy Stark to sing.

Would the pallbearers please come forward.

(SINGING AVE MARIA)

Hey, what are you doing?

Keep it quiet, eyes forward, lift on my count. One...

Uh, I'm supposed to be a pallbearer.

I think you're on my handle.

What about you? Why don't you give up your handle?

I'm his son.

MRS. BAUER: Excuse me.

Hey, hey, there she is. Wow, do you clean up nice.

(SIGHS) I told you there were no more spots.

Oh, oh, was that a hard no?

'Cause I thought there'd maybe be a little wiggle room.

Father, have him removed.

You know what? That's unnecessary.

I'm going to bow out gracefully, okay?

Sorry. All right, I'm done.

I know.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

I'm Richard Bauer, Charlie's grandson.

You probably don't recognize me.

I used to visit my grandparents when I was a kid.

Anyway, you were really nice to me.

You used to let me hang out in your garage and help work on your car.

You even took me out for ice cream.

I did?

Yeah. I just wanted to say thanks.

Wow. I do have a switch in my heart.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, hey, do me a favor.

See that lady in the black dress over there?

Tell her exactly what you just told me.

(CHUCKLES) I'd be happy to.

So, do you still have that red convertible?

I never had a convertible.

Oh. You know what?

Wasn't you.

"And then the robot said,

(IN A SAD ROBOT VOICE) "'I can feel.'

"As a single tear streams down his cold metal face

"and Samantha looks on, quivering in the night."

Blackout.

(SIGHS)

Huh? Great play, boss.

(EXCLAIMING)

Yeah, just a wild guess.

You were a virgin all the way through college.