Original subtitles

(JINGLE PLAYING)

EDDIE: 'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, I'm headed into the kitchen, you want me to grab that?

No, I'm holding on to the wine until they see that I brought it.

What are you eating?

Turkey and pastrami on rye.

I didn't see that anywhere.

I got it out of the fridge.

Are you a sociopath?

You're at a birthday party. You eat the food that they serve.

Joy...

Look at this and look at me.

They're lucky I'm not eating the guests.

Hey, would you guys mind writing down your favorite anecdote about Steph?

Well, I did walk in on her in the bathroom earlier,

but that one's not for sharing.

Here, give me the card.

(SOFTLY) Okay.

"This is gay."

There's gay people here.

Here.

It was expensive.

Are you eating my lunch for tomorrow?

No, I brought this with me.

Hey, hon, Deb and Mindy have to go.

It's Jell-O shot night at Goose McGill's.

Hey, I bet Bill Cosby could've used a few Jell-O shots

when he was filming those commercials, huh?

(IMITATING BILL COSBY) "Now kids, you got to tell your dad to get a job

"so you don't have to act to pay the rent."

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMS LIKE BILL COSBY)

Hey, Jeff, is it okay if we bring the cake out now?

Yeah, we don't want to miss her blowing out her candles.

(IN A SINGSONG TONE) All 25 of them!

Oh, my God, you are so old!

Remember your 21st birthday,

when those Navy SEALs snuck us back into their barracks?

Hey, uh... Thank you.

(STAMMERING) So, it's kinda early for cake, isn't it?

I mean, I thought that Joy and I would be long gone by then.

(CHUCKLES)

(STAMMERING) Hey, listen, you're not gonna sing that

"Happy Birthday" thing, are you?

Yeah. What's wrong?

You'll see.

(ALL SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU) ♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday...

(OVERWROUGHT SINGING) ♪ ...birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear Stephanie

♪ Happy birthday

♪ to you

(CROONING) ♪ And many more ♪

JOY: That was a fun party, huh? Yeah.

(SOFTLY) Most of it.

You want to have a little more fun?

I do like fun.

♪ Darling you

♪ send me

♪ Darling you

♪ send me

♪ Honest you do Honest you do...

♪ Honest you do ♪

(VOCALIZING)

Okay, you know what? You know what?

(GROANS) Let's talk, huh?

Oh, like dirty talk?

Dirty talk, clean talk,

something without a melody.

What's going on?

Honey,

there's this thing that you do.

Often in public.

It's your singing.

My singing?

You think my singing's bad?

No, it's spectacular. Inappropriately so.

You see, honey, you're an over-singer.

Society has set a certain level of singing,

which is right about here, okay?

You, you sing, you're like all up in here. This is your singing.

(STAMMERING) It's like you swallowed Mariah Carey.

Tonight, for example,

everyone sang "Happy Birthday" in nice inside voices.

You sang it like you were auditioning for Wicked.

Listen, I have a big, powerful, beautiful voice.

I think my singing was the highlight of that party.

I did a freaking key change.

People love that.

Okay, again, people in the audience at Wicked.

You know, for a straight guy, you're throwing a lot of Wicked references around.

All right, I am just trying to spare you

from embarrassing yourself in the future.

Are you worried about me embarrassing me or me embarrassing you?

Must they be mutually exclusive?

Boy, you actively don't want sex tonight.

(STAMMERING) And you know what, I do have to say, that's another thing.

When you're trying to seduce a man...

When I am trying to seduce a man?

Eddie, when my earrings hit the dresser,

you're oiled up from head to toe.

When you're trying to seduce a man, with song,

you don't just belt it out.

You do it soft. Kittenish. You understand?

Like a kitten. I understand what "kittenish" means. Yes.

Do you?

You're a moron!

Well, at least I don't scat "The Star-Spangled Banner"

at high school basketball games.

(IMITATING JOY) ♪ And the home

♪ of the

(SCAT SINGING)

♪ brave! ♪

Okay.

Thanks for a great night.

Oh, actually, you know what, honey?

It's uh, it's not over yet.

I saved the best for last.

Oh, my God!

(GIGGLES) Yeah.

See, I know how much you've been wanting that watch and now it's yours.

Oh, I love you. I love you. I love you.

I should punch you right in your fat mouth.

"Fat mouth." You're funny. Come on, cowgirl.

Let's get you some birthday sex.

Jeff, you knew that I wanted this watch as a gift

for when I finish my thesis.

All right, yeah. Yeah, I know.

I just thought I'd give it to you early since...

Since you don't think I'm ever going to get my master's.

Since you don't believe in me and you never did.

I swear to God, since day one

you've been all up in my grill just because I'm not done yet.

Look, I'm sorry, Jeff. I'm not you.

I'm not such a good speller, I got to meet the President.

Do you have any idea what writing a thesis involves?

Well, after observing you for the past year,

I'm going to go with waking up at 11:00,

eating Cocoa Krispies and watching old episodes of Dallas on SOAPnet.

You think I'm not working every day on this thing?

Here, test me.

Oh, come on, Steph... Do it. Ask me anything about the French Revolution.

(SIGHS)

All right. Okay, um...

When is Bastille Day?

Okay, um...

It's also my mom's birthday.

It's also 10 days after July 4th.

July 14th, I knew that!

I am finishing my thesis

and you can take back your slap-in-the-face watch

and the girly box it came in until I do.

Okay, fine. You know what?

(STUTTERING) I'll do this.

I'll hold onto it until you finish, you know?

Maybe I'll even fly over in a jet pack and then I'll give it to you,

because that's how long in the future it's gonna be

that they're actually, they're actually going to have jet packs in the future

when they, when they do that, you see...

I hate when it sticks to itself!

(EXCLAIMS)

Uh...

Why are Deb and Mindy sleeping on our couch?

They drank too much at Goose McGill's.

The bartender found my birthday invitation on them

and sent them here in a cab.

Okay, so my best friend from magic camp

can't stay here for a long weekend,

but we just roll out the red carpet for easy and easier?

I can't believe you got her that watch.

Divorced at 21, right? That's a big surprise.

What are you doing, honey?

Working on my thesis.

Yeah, suck on that!

Well, honey, that is great!

Yeah, I just banged out 20 pages on the social burdens caused by huge war debt

made worse by the monarchy's military failures and general ineptitude.

My girl's wicked smart!

If I could just barf, I'd feel so much better.

Oh, honey!

I am so proud of you!

And you know what, I know you were mad at me for getting you that watch,

but if that's what it took to light a fire under you then I am not sorry.

I'm sorry.

Good morning.

♪ The best part of waking up

♪ Is Folgers in your cup ♪

Okay, obviously this isn't over.

Listen, Joy, what I said last night about your singing,

it was not a negative. It was a positive, constructive thing.

Think of me as your mirror.

Now, you don't get angry at your mirror

when you look at it in the morning and you see a blemish.

So just check with me before leaving the house every day,

and you'll be good to go.

(SMACKS LIPS)

So you're gonna be my mirror? Maybe I should be your mirror.

If I needed a mirror, my love,

you would be it. Oh, I think you need one.

Oh, really? How's that?

Well, you do a lot of embarrassing stuff too, you know.

I mean, you tell those corny jokes.

Mmm-hmm, what corny jokes?

(CHUCKLING) How about when we're on a curb and a limo pulls up,

you say... "There's my ride!"

(LAUGHS)

Or when we're walking down the street,

and someone is approaching with flowers, you say...

"You shouldn't have."

Yeah, it's pretty brutal. Oh.

Is it? Okay, well, I'll take that under advisement.

Thank you. You're very welcome.

Mmm-hmm. And you know what?

Since we're helping each other out... Yes?

Let's talk about Mount Inappropriate.

Okay. What about it?

Well, I've noticed that it's hard for people to focus

when having a conversation with you,

what with the two bald-headed gentlemen

struggling to get out of your shirt.

Okay.

Can't really control what God gave me, now, can I?

No you can't, but you could always use the buttons that come with the clothing.

Let's talk about your celebrity impressions.

Careful, Joy.

I mean, I don't think that anybody really wants to hear

how Ricky Ricardo would read off of a menu,

especially in a French restaurant. It doesn't make any sense!

(IMITATING RICARDO) Joy, now I have some explaining to do...

Oh, here it comes!

Right, here it comes, because people love my impressions!

My impressions are dead-on.

Maybe that's because everyone they're of is dead.

Bill Cosby and Al Pacino are very much alive!

(IMITATING AL PACINO) Hoo-wah!

You don't think your impressions are annoying?

Ask anyone, they will tell you.

Oh, I will ask anybody,

and they will tell you that your singing

and your backup singers are out of control!

I just need you to tell my wife

that the world is horrified by her singing and ginormous cleavage.

I think you need to tell Eddie that his jokes

and his impressions weren't even funny when they were on Laugh-In.

(SIGHING) Come on!

Well...

You're looking at her breasts, aren't you?

Uh-huh.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Look, if you guys want to know the truth,

I've seen some eye-rolling about both of you.

What? Steph, come on. That's not true.

Yeah, it is.

You're both ridiculous.

(STAMMERING) So, is that how all of you feel?

Deb? Mindy?

Oh, are you that freaky "Happy Birthday" singing chick?

Perhaps.

What about this? Inappropriate?

It's a bit much... For my tastes.

And she stripped to pay for her junior year abroad.

Oh, my God!

But you laughed at my Bill Cosby impression.

Oh!

I didn't know that was Bill Cosby.

I thought that was your weird way of hitting on me,

and I laughed because I thought it was funny that you were hitting on me.

Because you're so old.

Thank you for your candor.

Okay, this is good.

Very dignified.

It's the new us.

No more singing, no more impressions.

We will honor the teaching career of Herb Wallach

without being sideshow freaks.

Well, I still have that height thing, but other than that... That's true.

Hey, guys. How you guys doing?

Great.

We've eliminated music, fun, and breasts from our lives.

Uh-huh. Hey, honey,

do you happen to know what time it is?

I know it's time to celebrate,

'cause I finished my master's thesis.

(LAUGHS NERDILY) What up, new watch?

I don't want to interrupt anyone's fun.

I just want to say thank you for this lovely party

and especially for the last 40 years.

I mean, teaching has been my joy.

Of course, if I never see a red pen again it's okay with me.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING) No, I'm just kidding.

I've got no beef with red pens.

Anyway, thank you. Thank you all very much.

You know, my husband used to apologize to me

because he was "just a teacher,"

and couldn't afford to give me the things he thought I might've wanted.

But Herb, I want to tell you,

I wouldn't change a thing.

Brandon, hit it.

♪ Now I've had the time of my life

♪ No I've never felt this way before

♪ Yes, I swear

♪ It's the truth

(JOY MOUTHING) ♪ And I owe it all to you

♪ 'Cause I had the time of my life

(HUMMING)

Oh, honey, I think I forgot the words.

Brandon, you just keep on playing. I'll get it.

(HUMMING)

Get up there.

What? She needs help. Go ahead, get up there.

I can't. People will think that I am ridiculous.

Well, let 'em. 'Cause you know what, I was wrong.

I never should've opened up my big mouth.

If I hadn't, you'd still be a bubbly, happy person,

instead of this beaten down, lifeless dullard.

Now go ahead, get up there

and embarrass me and yourself and everyone else in this joint,

because that's the woman I married.

I'll just help her a little. Ahh, that a girl.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

(EXCLAIMS)

No one puts these babies in the corner.

♪ ...one thing I can't get enough of...

♪ So I'll... ♪ So I'll tell you something

♪ This could be love ♪ This could be love

♪ Because... ♪ Because I've had

♪ the time of my life

♪ No, I've never felt this way before

♪ Never felt this way

♪ It's the truth

♪ And I owe it all to you

♪ With my body and soul

♪ I want you more than you'll ever know

♪ So we'll just let it go

♪ Don't be afraid to lose control

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Louis Armstrong!

♪ Just remember

(IMITATING LOUIS ARMSTRONG) ♪ You're the one thing

♪ I cant get enough of

♪ So I'll tell you something

Oh, what is it, baby?

♪ This could be love It could.

♪ Because

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH SINGING) ♪ I've had the time of my life

♪ No I never felt this way before

(CHUCKLES) ♪ Never felt this way

(SOFTLY) Who are they?

♪ ...the truth

You know it. ♪ And I owe it all to you

♪ 'Cause I've Oh, yeah.

♪ I've had the time of my life ♪ Yes, I have.

Time of my life!

..

Enough with the Sammy.

Uh, no, no, it's time for me, darling, to, uh,

do a number.

(HUMMING)

♪ You are the cat

♪ Who did that to me, babe ♪

I'm so proud that you got your master's.

My baby is a master. Master of the universe!

Grandmaster Flash!

"It is my honor to serve you, Master!"

(CHUCKLES)

That's from I Dream of Jeannie.

Yeah. I dream of you never doing that again.

You're going to go out and you're going to be a teacher.

Oh, it's going to be great.

I can't teach with just a master's.

You need a PhD nowadays.

So you're going to go for a PhD?

No way. Those are really hard.

So why did you get a master's, exactly?

Well...

Academic advancement.

Personal fulfillment.

I am so angry right now.

(LAUGHING)

(IMITATING HERMAN MUNSTER) Are you ready, Grandpa?

(JOY LAUGHING)

Give me a "C." A bouncy "C."

(SQUEALING)

Oh, Eddie, you shouldn't have.

(LAUGHS)

There you go, Lily.