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1
00:00:02,369 --> 00:00:05,205
I want to have kids.
Lots and lots of kids.
2
00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:07,874
And I don't need a husband
to help do that.
3
00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:09,376
I need a wife,
4
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:12,579
because my mom says
she ain't gonna clean
my room forever.
5
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,848
I like this one girl Sara,
6
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,551
but my mom says
I can't marry her
because she's my cousin.
7
00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:20,020
♪ All right!
8
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,589
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
9
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:28,995
So, uh, you guys just
invited us over for brunch?
10
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:31,197
It's strangely
friendly of you.
11
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:33,099
{\an8}Well, we just wanted
to thank you
12
00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:35,769
{\an8}for that awesome
cappuccino maker
that you got us.
13
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,804
{\an8}Cappuccino maker.
Mmm-hmm.
14
00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:40,507
{\an8}Oh, right.
Yeah. You're welcome.
15
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,042
{\an8}JOY: So great.
16
00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:43,676
{\an8}Now our kitchen
looks just like
17
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,712
{\an8}the Williams Sonoma
catalog.
18
00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:47,680
{\an8}Except for, you know, us.
19
00:00:49,082 --> 00:00:50,917
{\an8}Anyway, Eddie's gonna
make us all cappuccinos.
20
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:52,652
{\an8}I haven't really learned
how to work the thing yet,
21
00:00:52,752 --> 00:00:54,154
{\an8}but he's the master.
22
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:55,688
{\an8}He's so good
at stuff like that.
23
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:57,223
{\an8}Well, that's true.
24
00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:58,992
{\an8}I do know how to push
the right buttons,
25
00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:02,028
{\an8}be it a cappuccino
machine, a VCR,
26
00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:04,464
{\an8}or the ladies.
27
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:05,932
{\an8}All right, what can
I get everybody?
28
00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:08,334
{\an8}Mmm. Do you serve
soy milk?
29
00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:10,303
{\an8}Soy milk?
30
00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:12,639
{\an8}We're in America, sweetie.
We drink from cows.
31
00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:16,509
{\an8}Honey, actually,
I picked some up
for the brunch.
32
00:01:16,609 --> 00:01:17,677
{\an8}Oh, great!
EDDIE: Oh, okay.
33
00:01:17,777 --> 00:01:18,945
{\an8}I'll have
a soy cappuccino,
34
00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:21,081
{\an8}and could you warm the milk
before you whip it?
35
00:01:21,181 --> 00:01:22,148
{\an8}Warm then whip.
36
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:23,650
{\an8}Okay, I'll have
a cappuccino,
37
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,218
{\an8}and if you could add
an extra shot of espresso,
38
00:01:25,318 --> 00:01:26,586
{\an8}that would be great.
Got that, extra espresso.
39
00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:28,688
{\an8}For me, I'm gonna
have a half-cafe latte
40
00:01:28,788 --> 00:01:30,590
{\an8}and use the cinnamon beans.
41
00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:33,159
{\an8}Cinnamon beans.
And dust it with nutmeg.
42
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,427
{\an8}Ooh, ooh!
Dust mine, too!
43
00:01:34,527 --> 00:01:35,929
{\an8}But not too much dust.
44
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,464
{\an8}Okay, everybody's gonna
get dusted, all right?
45
00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:39,132
{\an8}Just--Just...
46
00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:41,768
{\an8}No more talking.
I have it all up here.
Please.
47
00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:43,036
{\an8}Eddie, could
you make mine iced?
48
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:44,771
{\an8}(SHOUTING)
49
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,140
{\an8}(EXCLAIMS)
50
00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:53,246
{\an8}All right, I'm gonna go
shake my frittata.
51
00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:55,248
{\an8}That's right,
you heard me.
Deal with it.
52
00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:00,286
{\an8}Why did you buy them
a cappuccino maker?
53
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:01,921
{\an8}Those things
are expensive.
54
00:02:02,021 --> 00:02:04,357
{\an8}For that kind of money,
I could have had
that thing removed.
55
00:02:06,359 --> 00:02:08,294
{\an8}Oh, no, no, no.
We didn't buy them one,
56
00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:10,396
{\an8}we just gave them
the one we had
and never used.
57
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,665
{\an8}We need the counter space.
58
00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:15,435
{\an8}Steph, that was
a wedding gift
from my mother.
59
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,205
{\an8}Was it?
60
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:22,575
{\an8}You knew that.
61
00:02:22,675 --> 00:02:24,644
{\an8}What else are
you giving away
without my knowledge?
62
00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:26,513
My old Indian
arrowhead collection?
63
00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:29,549
No, I did not get rid of
your Indian arrowheads.
64
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:32,285
And for the record,
every rock that's shaped
like a triangle...
65
00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:33,720
It's not an arrowhead.
66
00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:38,525
Okay, one down.
67
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:40,126
This is Steph's half soy
68
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:43,329
frappa-cappa
Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
69
00:02:44,264 --> 00:02:46,466
Look at that.
It's so professional.
70
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:47,767
Your foamed milk looks...
71
00:02:47,867 --> 00:02:50,203
Yes, it's like
an angel sneezed.
72
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,606
I know, I know.
Look, I'll tell you what.
73
00:02:53,706 --> 00:02:56,142
Why don't you make
the next one,
and I'll go grab a bagel.
74
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:57,977
You know I don't know
how to use that thing.
75
00:02:58,077 --> 00:02:59,646
But I'm gonna learn.
I will.
76
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:00,780
Oh, okay.
77
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,448
Don't forget
my nutmeg dust.
78
00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:03,783
Okay.
79
00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:05,351
JOY: All righty,
80
00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:07,487
Steph, here is
your cappuccino.
81
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:10,056
Mmm! Looks delicious.
82
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:12,659
Mmm.
83
00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:14,227
It's got a nice
little aftertaste.
84
00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:15,862
Oh, that might be Cascade.
85
00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:17,664
The dishwasher's
on the fritz.
86
00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:21,534
Maybe it's the bitterness
of my mother's tears.
87
00:03:23,169 --> 00:03:24,504
Oh, Joy,
88
00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:26,806
I finally found out
what that weird lady
down the street
89
00:03:26,906 --> 00:03:28,675
is keeping
in her trashcans.
90
00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:30,643
No, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, I want to hear this.
91
00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:32,045
Is it cats?
92
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,180
Is it a...
Is it a pile of cats?
93
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,582
(WHIRRING)
94
00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:37,517
No way!
She does not!
95
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:39,052
{\an8}(COFFEE MACHINE WHIRRING)
She does not what?
96
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,887
What is it she doesn't do?
97
00:03:41,654 --> 00:03:43,056
(SHOUTS)
98
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:47,527
Oh! Son of a mocha
frappe latte!
99
00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:49,696
♪ Hey, hey ♪
100
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:53,733
Hey, Eddie,
I wanted to thank you
for brunch the other day,
101
00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:56,469
especially those
cappuccinos.
They were delicious.
102
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:59,172
You must be loving that
cappuccino maker, huh?
103
00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:02,542
{\an5}It's making my life
a living hell.
Really?
104
00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:05,712
Joy has me making
these cappuccinos
all the time.
105
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:10,416
She's like, "Oh, honey,
can you make me
a decaf bedtime cappy?"
106
00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:14,220
Or else it's,
"Oh, I really gotta learn
how to work that machine."
107
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,056
But she never does,
and she never will.
108
00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:18,725
It's like she's playing me.
109
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:23,563
Sounds like you're
running a Starkbucks.
110
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:31,304
'Cause Stark is
my last name.
111
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:33,306
Your cleverness is
exceeded only by
112
00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:35,341
your love affair
with the sweater vest.
113
00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:40,647
Hey.
Hey, there.
114
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,182
(SIGHS)
115
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,953
I had such a crazy
day at work today.
116
00:04:47,053 --> 00:04:49,756
Could you make me a tiny
little cappuccino?
117
00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:57,530
I know, I know.
I'm gonna learn how
to use that thing.
118
00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:59,599
You know what?
We're gonna teach
you right now.
119
00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:01,367
What? Now?
Yeah, we are.
120
00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:03,703
But I'm tired.
Yeah, we're all tired.
121
00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:06,339
Okay, this is what you do.
122
00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:08,675
Very simple.
You take the water,
123
00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:10,410
you put it into the tank.
124
00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:12,979
You fill it right
up to there.
125
00:05:13,546 --> 00:05:15,148
Okay, I'm lost.
126
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,719
You're lost?
127
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,187
Yeah.
128
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:22,622
Where did I lose you?
129
00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:25,792
I don't know,
the water, the tank.
130
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,393
Okay, okay, okay,
it's easy.
131
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:28,628
You take the water.
132
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:30,863
You put it
into the tank.
133
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:33,900
You do speak
English, correct?
134
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,868
{\an5}Yeah, it's just a little
confusing, that's all.
Confusing?
135
00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:38,071
Okay, let me put it
in terms that you
could understand.
136
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,707
Pretend that
the tank is your belly,
137
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:43,076
and the water is merlot.
138
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,715
Okay.
You put the water
into the tank.
139
00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:49,749
Got it.
Okay.
140
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:53,219
Then you close
the lid like this.
141
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:55,321
{\an5}Okay.
You're so
good at this.
142
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,558
You're an amazing man.
143
00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:05,531
Okay, then you press
the button right
here to prime.
144
00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:07,233
To prime button.
145
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,172
Where are you, Joy?
146
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:14,974
Close the lid.
147
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:17,677
No, we're-- we're
way past the lid!
148
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,213
The lid is closed!
149
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:25,351
Then you take
the espresso coffee, okay?
150
00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:26,886
You put it
into the basket.
151
00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:28,454
That's the basket?
This is the basket,
152
00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:29,689
and you tamp it.
Tamp it.
153
00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:30,790
You tamp it down.
154
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:33,292
Okay, then you put
it right in here.
155
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,327
And you twist it.
156
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:36,162
You make sure
it is tight.
157
00:06:36,262 --> 00:06:37,363
You push this button.
158
00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:39,799
And you start it.
Voila.
159
00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,601
That's it.
160
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:42,869
Can I have that?
161
00:06:44,837 --> 00:06:48,274
Okay, look,
you are a very bright
college-educated woman.
162
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:50,943
I know you can make
a cappuccino.
163
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:54,881
It's very easy.
Okay, it is water, prime,
164
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:57,950
coffee, tamp, twist, button.
165
00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:01,554
W-P-C-T-T-B.
166
00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:04,424
Wapacitiba.
167
00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:07,794
You got it?
Wapacitiba.
168
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,163
Okay?
169
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:14,167
Wa-pa-citi-bla.
170
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:17,570
I know your game, woman.
171
00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:19,906
You see, you refuse
to learn this
172
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:21,808
because you don't
want to have the skill
173
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:23,843
because you don't
want to do it.
174
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,245
So, you're gonna repeat
after me, okay?
175
00:07:26,345 --> 00:07:27,847
It is water, prime, coffee,
176
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:30,016
tamp, twist, button.
177
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,753
Wapacitiba!
Wapacitiba!
178
00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:36,989
Wapacitiba!
179
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:39,392
Okay, you know what? Fine!
180
00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:41,260
I could learn,
but I don't feel like it.
181
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:42,628
Are you happy?
No! No!
182
00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:45,565
I am not happy
because I am physically
183
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:48,301
and spiritually exhausted.
184
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:52,171
But the free ride
is over, sister!
185
00:07:54,106 --> 00:07:56,909
What are you saying?
You're refusing to
make me cappuccinos?
186
00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:59,779
That's right! I am.
Starkbucks is closed.
187
00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:01,414
Starkbucks?
Stark!
188
00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:02,815
Starkbucks,
that's right.
189
00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:04,183
Ooh, good one.
190
00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:07,553
It happens to be
very clever.
191
00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:10,256
I can't believe
you won't do this
one little thing for me.
192
00:08:10,356 --> 00:08:12,658
If I made a list
of everything
that I do around here,
193
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:14,760
it would go once
around the equator.
194
00:08:14,861 --> 00:08:18,865
Oh, don't threaten me
with your travel agency
fancy lingo.
195
00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:21,400
Okay? Because I have
a list, too, missy!
196
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,802
Really? I'd like
to see that list.
197
00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:24,403
I would like to
show you my list.
198
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,973
Okay, should we do it now
or after I prepare
dinner for us
199
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:28,407
like I do every night!
200
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,876
We're gonna
see it after dinner
201
00:08:29,976 --> 00:08:32,345
because I don't want to
do it on an empty stomach.
202
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,347
♪ Hey, hey ♪
203
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:36,415
You could just
sign right here.
204
00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:38,584
Sure.
205
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,821
What's wrong?
206
00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:45,291
Usually you're magic trick
of the month puts you
in a great mood.
207
00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:47,860
Oh, no, it's not that.
208
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,930
I'm psyched as hell
about my new
Chinese Linking Rings.
209
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,733
It's just, actually,
210
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:55,801
I got a thing
with my wife.
211
00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:59,238
She gave away a gift
my mother gave me
without asking.
212
00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:00,940
Wow. Not cool.
213
00:09:03,776 --> 00:09:06,145
No. It is not, UPS Mitch.
214
00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:07,747
It is not.
215
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,217
All right.
216
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:12,985
Well, I got, like, 400
packages to deliver, so...
217
00:09:13,085 --> 00:09:14,954
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, hey!
218
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:18,324
What did we give you for
a holiday tip last year?
219
00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:19,859
A tin of
something brown.
220
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,727
I'm gonna say
hard fudge.
221
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,499
Well, I am about to bump
that up, my friend.
222
00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:28,467
Oh, here we go.
223
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,603
Merry belated Christmas.
224
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,538
My wife,
she loves this thing.
225
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:34,440
But I think it's
just taking up space.
226
00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:37,043
Wow! A crystal apple.
Uh-huh.
227
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:38,644
I've never
been happier.
228
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:42,281
(CLEARS THROAT)
229
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:44,317
Hey!
Hey!
230
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:45,785
What's up with you?
231
00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:48,921
(GASPS) Your new magic trick
came, didn't it?
232
00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:50,323
I'll go sit on the couch.
233
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,624
Yep.
234
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:53,726
It came, but that's not why
I'm so happy right now.
235
00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:54,760
What's up?
236
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:57,196
Look, I am sorry,
sunshine,
237
00:09:57,296 --> 00:10:01,000
but I just gave away
your precious crystal
apple to UPS Mitch.
238
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,268
Bam!
239
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,972
Jeff, you shouldn't
have done that.
240
00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:08,741
Why not? Why?
Because it was something
meaningful to you?
241
00:10:08,841 --> 00:10:11,944
Because it was given to you
by someone that you love
and care about deeply?
242
00:10:12,044 --> 00:10:15,514
Well, that is exactly
how I felt about
the cappuccino maker.
243
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,882
Now you know how I feel.
244
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:18,818
Jeff, I am truly sorry
245
00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:20,786
I gave away that gift
from your mother.
246
00:10:20,886 --> 00:10:22,722
But here's the thing.
247
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:25,191
That crystal apple
was also a gift
from your mother.
248
00:10:27,893 --> 00:10:29,829
Remember when you got
your first teaching job?
249
00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:34,667
Oh, that's starting
to ring a bell, yeah.
250
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:42,575
Okay,
things Joy does
around the house.
251
00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:45,645
One, cooks.
Two, cleans.
252
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:48,514
Three, pays the bills.
Four, does the laundry.
253
00:10:48,614 --> 00:10:50,549
Five, buys all gifts.
254
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,086
Six, handles all federal,
state, and local taxes.
255
00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:55,488
Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
256
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:58,557
Are we allowed to include
government related activities?
257
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,060
Because that was
not made clear.
258
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:06,132
Seven, oversees handymen.
259
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:09,402
Eight, administers all
your pills, injections,
and ointments.
260
00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:12,905
My list goes to 25.
261
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:15,207
Do you want me
to take a break
and you can read yours?
262
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,309
Sounds great.
263
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:20,880
One, I take out the trash.
264
00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:22,882
Okay.
Two, I grill.
265
00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:26,585
Three, I make pancakes.
266
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:30,823
Four, I make
blueberry pancakes.
267
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,465
That's all you got?
268
00:11:39,565 --> 00:11:42,168
Trash, the grilling,
269
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:44,070
and the pancakes.
270
00:11:45,004 --> 00:11:47,339
And the blueberry pancakes.
271
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:50,342
(CLEARS THROAT)
272
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,012
And I also am
in charge of
a lot of intangibles
273
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:55,848
that I didn't have time
to put on the list.
274
00:11:55,948 --> 00:11:57,083
Such as?
275
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:01,921
I protect us
276
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:04,190
from intruders.
277
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:07,193
And bears.
278
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:10,529
And strange people carrying
279
00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:12,064
religious pamphlets.
280
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:16,035
Okay, so, let me
get this straight.
281
00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:19,538
(CLEARS THROAT)
While you are making
the pancakes,
282
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:22,308
in the back
of your mind,
283
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,477
you're also
on the lookout
284
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,415
for pamphlets and bears.
285
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:34,653
Do you really think
it's a coincidence
286
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,955
that there has
never been a bear
287
00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:37,823
or a pamphlet in our house?
288
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:42,428
That's-- That's all me, baby!
289
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:46,298
You know what?
You are the one who is
getting the free ride.
290
00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:47,366
No, I am not!
291
00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:51,804
I am your cappuccino,
pamphlet, bear guy.
292
00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:55,007
Okay, you know what?
You know what? This is
what we're gonna do, okay?
293
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:58,577
I am gonna learn
how to make cappuccinos.
294
00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:01,647
And I am also going
to protect us
295
00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:05,351
from all animals
and all intruders.
296
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:06,752
And you are
gonna take on
297
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:08,687
one of the things
that I do, okay?
298
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,490
How about
you're gonna do bills.
299
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:12,825
You know what?
300
00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:15,795
{\an5}I would love
to do the bills.
Great.
301
00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:17,797
Because, you know,
I keep hearing about
302
00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:20,533
these mysterious bills.
303
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,967
Oh, I can't
go out tonight
304
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:25,104
because I have
to pay the bills.
305
00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:26,872
Oh, I just cannot
wait to see
306
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:28,440
what these bills
are all about.
307
00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:30,109
Great. Here you go.
308
00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:37,550
Wait, we pay for water?
309
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:43,322
Wapacitiba.
310
00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:48,460
Ba.
311
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:51,197
What's ba?
312
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:52,898
Button!
313
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,867
(HISSING)
314
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,268
Booya!
315
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:06,846
How's it going with
those bills, my prince?
316
00:14:06,946 --> 00:14:08,848
I am in an epic battle
317
00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:11,150
of good and evil
with the gas companies
318
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,052
of greater
Philadelphia, Joy.
319
00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:16,522
I am in the matrix!
320
00:14:21,961 --> 00:14:23,796
Oh, my God.
Didn't that burn?
321
00:14:23,896 --> 00:14:26,065
Not as much my throat,
just my insides.
322
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:31,036
Hey, did you know
that if you badger
323
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:33,239
a customer service
representative long enough
324
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:35,708
he will actually drop
the state usage fee?
325
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:36,809
How much is that?
326
00:14:36,909 --> 00:14:39,578
$3 per fiscal quarter.
327
00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:43,949
Hey.
328
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,118
I got three channels here.
They're all fuzzy.
329
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:47,820
Oh, yeah,
I switched us over
330
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,357
to satellite because
the first month is free.
331
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,192
And then I'm gonna
switch back to cable
332
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,628
where the first
month is free.
333
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,397
Cable, dish, cable, dish.
Boom, boom, boom.
334
00:14:58,497 --> 00:15:01,467
Ping-pong of savings.
335
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,502
Eddie, you can't do that.
You're gonna get caught.
336
00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:06,505
And if I do,
I just change
my middle initial.
337
00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:09,541
(LAUGHING)
338
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:14,346
The battle of Antietam
339
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:17,016
was the single
deadliest day
340
00:15:17,116 --> 00:15:19,251
in American history.
341
00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:21,954
The rivers ran red
with the blood of...
342
00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:25,391
WOMAN ON PHONE:
Keystone Cellular. This is
Barbara. May I help you?
343
00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:27,993
Yeah, hi. Uh, uh...
344
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:29,261
Just a second, please.
345
00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:31,063
Kids, I have to
take this call.
346
00:15:31,163 --> 00:15:33,732
I've been on hold
with this company
for, like, 7 hours.
347
00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:36,168
And I have to resolve
this situation
348
00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:38,837
so I will be able
to teach you
349
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:42,775
at the high level
of excellence
that all of you deserve.
350
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,176
So, um...
351
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:45,577
Heads down.
352
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:50,282
Uh, yeah, hi, Barbara.
It's Eddie again.
353
00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:51,884
Yeah, uh, listen,
I'm gonna need you
354
00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:55,321
to drop the international
plan for my cell phone
355
00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:59,625
because I really have
no use for Europe
or its neighbors.
356
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,594
Yeah, yeah.
Can you-- Can you hold?
357
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,563
I have another
call coming in.
358
00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:06,398
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
359
00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:08,968
Look, I have $200 worth
of groceries here
360
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:11,070
and my credit card has
just been declined.
361
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:12,404
Oh, yeah, well,
we don't work with
362
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:14,239
that credit card
company anymore.
363
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:17,676
I really didn't care
for supervisor
Gene Richmond's tone.
364
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:21,413
What am I supposed
to do, Eddie?
365
00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:23,949
I have $700
in petty cash
366
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:26,585
in the hamper under
my dirty underwear.
367
00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:29,989
Can't get it now,
won't touch it ever.
368
00:16:31,223 --> 00:16:32,558
I think that
this is getting
369
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,593
a little bit out
of control, don't you?
370
00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:37,463
Listen, I'm in the middle
of molding young minds here,
371
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:40,566
so we're gonna have
to deal with this later.
372
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,301
Okay, I'm gonna level
with you, Barb,
373
00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:44,536
that was Verizon,
and they want me bad.
374
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:47,473
So, you're-- you're just
gonna have to start dancing.
375
00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:55,347
(CLEARS THROAT)
376
00:16:55,447 --> 00:16:57,716
You wouldn't want
to buy these for me,
would you?
377
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:00,986
I'll show you
one of my boobs.
378
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:07,559
EDDIE: Joy?
379
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:09,661
Joy?
380
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,631
Eddie, stop.
381
00:17:12,731 --> 00:17:14,767
I told you,
if you can't do it
without waking me up,
382
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,035
we're not doing it.
383
00:17:17,469 --> 00:17:19,338
No, it's not that.
This is very important.
384
00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:21,173
I figured out a way
to use our miles
385
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:23,108
to pay our electric bill.
386
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,910
What the hell
is wrong with you?
387
00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:26,345
It's-- It's 2:00 a.m.
388
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:27,980
Not in New Delhi, my dear.
389
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,581
Uh, hello, Mohandas.
390
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:31,750
What time is it
there, please?
391
00:17:31,850 --> 00:17:33,152
It's already Friday?
392
00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:35,921
Well, TGIF, if you know
what I'm saying.
393
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,191
You don't.
Oh. Oh, okay.
394
00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:40,759
(CLATTERING)
395
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,495
I'll call you back.
396
00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:44,663
Did you hear that?
397
00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:46,131
Yeah, I did.
398
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,900
Okay, you're up.
399
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,635
What?
400
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,570
You're intruders.
Go see what
the noise was.
401
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:53,639
You're actually gonna
make me go down there
402
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,475
and confront what
could possibly be
a murderer?
403
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,010
Or a bear.
404
00:17:58,110 --> 00:17:59,745
Either way,
it's your job.
405
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:02,014
So, go check it out,
and I'll crawl
into your warm spot
406
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:03,682
and make some
more calls.
407
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,785
You are unbelievable.
408
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:07,786
(GROANS)
409
00:18:18,630 --> 00:18:20,365
(SCREAMING)
410
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:24,269
Okay, I'm here in
no official capacity.
411
00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:25,904
But I heard you scream,
412
00:18:26,004 --> 00:18:27,106
and I just want
to make sure
everything was okay.
413
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:28,373
There is a squirrel
in the house.
414
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,709
How the hell did
a squirrel get into
our house?
415
00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:33,512
Oh, come on, look.
He's just a cute little...
416
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,481
Oh, God!
417
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:38,083
He only has one eye!
He's a fighter!
418
00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:40,119
Go!
419
00:18:40,219 --> 00:18:41,353
What are you doing?
Get it!
420
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:42,654
No, no, no.
You get it.
421
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:44,456
I already got us
matching fleece pullovers
422
00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:46,792
for renewing
Sports Illustrated.
423
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,527
All right, if you are
not gonna get it,
424
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,395
I am gonna call
animal control.
425
00:18:50,496 --> 00:18:52,831
Oh! Careful! Go...
426
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,503
There's no dial tone.
427
00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:59,805
Yeah, we don't have
a land line for
428
00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:02,574
about 24 hours.
429
00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:04,042
What?
We don't have a phone?
430
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,311
No, no. Because
I switched our provider.
431
00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:08,080
We're now with Magique.
432
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:12,251
And all you have to do
is dial 1-684-39 pound
before your calls.
433
00:19:12,351 --> 00:19:13,952
They'll put you
right in there.
434
00:19:14,052 --> 00:19:17,189
You know what?
I thought that by
giving you the bills,
435
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:19,958
you would realize how
hard I work around here.
436
00:19:20,058 --> 00:19:22,361
But it turns out I'm the one
who has realized something.
437
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:24,596
I am married to
438
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:29,001
an obsessive,
anal-retentive maniac.
439
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:31,003
That's pretty harsh
for a guy who just
saved us a bundle
440
00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:33,071
on prepaid gas.
441
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,140
I can't make
a phone call.
442
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,542
I can't buy groceries.
443
00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:38,810
I can't get cash
from an ATM.
444
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,846
Do you know
what I had to do
for lunch today?
445
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:42,548
Steal a burrito.
446
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:45,284
I had to rob
a mini-mart, Eddie!
447
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:49,821
Effective immediately,
I will do everything
around here,
448
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:51,723
you will do nothing!
449
00:19:51,823 --> 00:19:52,958
Got it?
450
00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:56,195
(GASPS)
451
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,999
The only thing that
you have to do right now
452
00:20:01,099 --> 00:20:03,001
is get that squirrel
out of my house.
453
00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:05,304
All right,
just give me the shoe.
454
00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:07,506
It's go time.
455
00:20:07,606 --> 00:20:09,341
Get over...
Stop it.
456
00:20:13,612 --> 00:20:14,479
Okay!
457
00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:16,281
(EXCLAIMS)
Got him right in the tail!
458
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:18,116
All right, he's not pleased.
459
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,551
All right,
he's coming at us
460
00:20:19,651 --> 00:20:21,453
with either a hot dog
or a finger in his mouth.
461
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,021
Go! Move!
462
00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:27,726
(DOORBELL RINGS)
463
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,065
What the hell
were you thinking?
464
00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:40,772
Huh.
465
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,241
We got it back,
sweetie.
466
00:20:42,341 --> 00:20:44,343
Would you look at that?
467
00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:45,744
You know what?
468
00:20:45,844 --> 00:20:48,180
I never should
have given it away
in the first place.
469
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,314
I'm really sorry.
470
00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:52,484
Oh, no. Look, baby,
I overreacted.
471
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:53,885
It was just...
472
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,854
You know, we were
getting married,
473
00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:57,823
and my mother,
the woman who bore me,
474
00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:00,726
{\an8}took a day off from
the bottling factory
475
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:02,861
{\an8}and took the bus downtown
476
00:21:02,961 --> 00:21:07,199
{\an8}and dug deep into her heart
and her bank account
and bought us this.
477
00:21:07,299 --> 00:21:10,502
{\an8}Hey, what's this
sticker on the back?
478
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,305
{\an8}"Thank you for trying out
for Wheel of Fortune.
479
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,877
{\an8}"Please enjoy this
consolation prize."
480
00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:25,183
{\an8}It's a re-gift.
481
00:21:26,518 --> 00:21:27,686
{\an8}That bitch.
36743
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