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1
00:00:00,834 --> 00:00:01,334
♪ All right!
2
00:00:01,434 --> 00:00:02,569
♪ Hey!
3
00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:04,904
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
4
00:00:08,908 --> 00:00:10,243
{\an8}What do you think
of my office, Ma?
5
00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:11,911
{\an8}I love it.
6
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,813
{\an8}And look at
your view.
7
00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:16,783
{\an8}You can see all
those kids smoking.
8
00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:19,419
{\an8}Bonnie, get a picture of me
and the vice-principal
9
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:20,687
{\an8}on the detention couch.
10
00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:22,155
{\an8}BONNIE: Oh.
11
00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:24,157
{\an8}Come on.
12
00:00:24,257 --> 00:00:25,692
Look stern.
13
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,764
{\an8}EDDIE: Woodcock,
we got a problem.
14
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,700
{\an8}Time to put out
another fire, Ma.
15
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,803
{\an8}Yeah, cart 7-A
is officially dead.
16
00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:38,638
{\an8}Your complaint is noted.
17
00:00:38,738 --> 00:00:41,007
{\an8}I'll bring it up
at the next equipment
and facilities brunch.
18
00:00:41,107 --> 00:00:42,742
{\an8}Oh, you mean when you
bring a box of mini donuts
19
00:00:42,842 --> 00:00:45,445
{\an8}down to Tom
in the boiler room?
20
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,781
{\an8}Called working
the system, Eddie.
21
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,083
{\an8}You should try it
sometime.
22
00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:51,751
Oh, Eddie,
meet my mom, Bonnie.
23
00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:53,286
Mom, this is
my neighbor Eddie,
24
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:54,554
the one I was
telling you about.
25
00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:55,855
{\an8}Oh.
26
00:00:55,955 --> 00:00:58,558
{\an8}Yeah, you're right.
He is sort of handsome.
27
00:01:01,694 --> 00:01:04,030
{\an8}Well, thank you, Woodcock.
28
00:01:04,097 --> 00:01:06,766
{\an8}That wasn't
the only thing I said.
29
00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:08,501
{\an8}Well, it was
so nice to meet you.
30
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:10,703
{\an8}Oh, the pleasure's
all mine, Mrs. W.
31
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,005
{\an8}Well, we should get going.
32
00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:13,773
{\an8}Our nail appointment's
at 10:00.
33
00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:17,610
{\an8}And after that, we're gonna
hit the sale rack at Mervyn's.
My treat.
34
00:01:17,710 --> 00:01:19,712
{\an8}Bye, sweetie.
Bye-bye.
35
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:21,147
{\an8}Nice to meet you.
A pleasure.
36
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:22,282
(SIGHS)
37
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:24,818
There they go.
Two best girls.
38
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,686
Yeah, it's quite a picture.
39
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:28,521
It's a shame
they hate each other.
40
00:01:30,523 --> 00:01:32,525
What?
Well, it's not just them.
41
00:01:32,625 --> 00:01:33,993
It's universal.
42
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,262
The mother and the wife
are bitter enemies.
43
00:01:36,362 --> 00:01:40,100
Always have been,
always will be.
It's God's way.
44
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,602
Well, my mom and Steph,
they love each other.
45
00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:45,038
No, they don't.
Look, here's the thing.
46
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:55,081
Now that you're married,
there's two Mrs. Woodcocks,
and that's far too many.
47
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,484
Well, one's my wife
and the other's my mother.
48
00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:01,955
And they still need to prove
who's the alpha female,
like two she-wolves
49
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:05,458
fighting over
the bloated carcass
of a dead caribou.
50
00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:07,961
Only the bloated carcass
is you.
51
00:02:09,395 --> 00:02:11,164
You make it sound so...
52
00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:13,466
Primal? Savage?
Oh, you betcha.
53
00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:21,708
What's going on
in there, Woodcock?
Let me in.
54
00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:25,445
I was just wondering
if I have the authority
55
00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:28,148
to transfer you
to another district.
56
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:31,351
Oh, I know
it's hard to hear,
but it's all true.
57
00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:33,052
Well, I don't think
you're right.
58
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,654
Oh, I am right.
59
00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:37,023
I'm as right
as I am handsome.
60
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:42,729
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
61
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:49,302
Oh...
Oh...
62
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:50,637
What a great dinner, huh?
63
00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:51,938
It was delicious.
64
00:02:52,038 --> 00:02:54,474
Oh, it was.
I love Chinese food.
65
00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:58,411
And you know what?
An orange for dessert
is plenty.
66
00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:02,482
Oh, and I'm sorry
you didn't get to order
your dumplings, Steph.
67
00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:06,853
It's okay.
Those cold noodles you
wanted to try were great.
68
00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:08,588
You know what else
is great, guys?
69
00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:11,491
This. This right here.
70
00:03:11,591 --> 00:03:13,860
God, this triangle
of love.
71
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,296
(LOUD BANG)
72
00:03:19,799 --> 00:03:21,267
(HORN HONKING)
73
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,246
Anybody want ice cream?
74
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:38,418
All right.
Good night, Ma.
75
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,086
Hey, I left a bottle
of water by your bed
76
00:03:40,186 --> 00:03:42,155
just in case
you get thirsty.
77
00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:45,425
Look at Mr. Rockefeller
with his bottled water.
78
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,461
I love you.
Have a good night.
79
00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:51,030
{\an8}(BLOWING KISS)
Hey, this was fun.
80
00:03:51,130 --> 00:03:52,398
Yeah.
81
00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:03,810
Well, uh, hey,
she seems all set.
82
00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:07,046
Yeah, you know,
I thought the bottle of water
83
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:08,848
by the bed was
a good idea, you know.
84
00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:10,483
Chinese food always
makes me thirsty.
85
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,418
Isn't it funny
how it does that?
86
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,288
Mmm-hmm.
87
00:04:16,889 --> 00:04:18,758
Wow, it is
getting late.
88
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,694
Hey, you know what
we get to do tonight.
89
00:04:21,794 --> 00:04:23,763
We get to try
the new air mattress.
90
00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:25,164
Ooh!
91
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:28,534
It's bouncy, huh?
92
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:32,839
Hey, we could pretend
we're elves making love
on a big marshmallow.
93
00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:38,645
Or we could play
that fun little game
we played earlier.
94
00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:41,381
You know, the one where
we're caught in the crossfire
outside of Woo's Palace
95
00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:43,783
and you save your mother
and leave me for dead.
96
00:04:45,718 --> 00:04:48,388
What? What, is that
how you read that?
97
00:04:49,088 --> 00:04:50,056
Come here, you.
98
00:04:50,156 --> 00:04:53,493
Okay, Jeff, we are not
having sex as elves,
99
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:56,296
or humans or
anything else right now.
100
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:58,264
Honey, don't you think
you're overreacting
just a little bit?
101
00:04:58,364 --> 00:05:00,633
I mean, it was
a scooter backfiring.
102
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:03,569
Well, it sounded
like gunshots.
103
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,506
I don't think it did.
104
00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:09,075
I can't believe this.
105
00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:10,343
You would take
a bullet for her,
106
00:05:10,443 --> 00:05:12,378
but me, you just
push to the side.
107
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,013
She was nearest
to the shooter.
108
00:05:14,113 --> 00:05:15,381
And she's old.
She can't run.
109
00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:19,085
Oh, she had no trouble
running through that sale
at Mervyn's
110
00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:21,487
to get to the London Fog
raincoat rack.
111
00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:26,726
Honey, I just...
I heard a noise
and I acted on instinct.
112
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,295
Yeah, your instinct
was to protect your mom,
113
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:31,698
just like your instinct
was to sell me down the river
114
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,433
when I wanted
to order my dumplings.
115
00:05:33,533 --> 00:05:35,301
Aha! Yeah.
116
00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:37,403
See, I knew
that was bothering you.
117
00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:40,606
You know as well as I do
that we all agreed
on the noodles.
118
00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:44,110
No. You and your mother
voted against me.
119
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:47,180
That's when
I went dead inside.
120
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:50,249
Honey, hey, honey, look,
I'm sorry.
121
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,086
Look, I'll do anything
to make it up to you,
I swear.
122
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,321
From now on,
it's all about you.
123
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:58,424
BONNIE: Jeffy, do you have
an extra pillow?
124
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:08,534
Hey, are you using
that other one
just for reading?
125
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:10,136
I'll give her mine.
126
00:06:16,409 --> 00:06:18,077
Where's the milk?
127
00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:19,846
It was either my cereal
or your coffee.
128
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,414
My cereal won.
129
00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:24,751
Want me to
scoop out a little?
130
00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:26,452
I don't want
your used milk.
131
00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:29,288
It's fine.
It's pink.
132
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,890
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
133
00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:32,291
Who's this?
134
00:06:33,926 --> 00:06:35,328
Sorry, I'm a little
early for car pool,
135
00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:37,964
but things
are kind of tense
at my place.
136
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,098
Want me to get you
some coffee?
137
00:06:39,198 --> 00:06:41,868
Sure.
Okay, you got it.
138
00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:43,770
Can I get it with
just a little milk?
139
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,112
Here you go. Yeah.
140
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,923
So to what do we owe
this mildly annoying
intrusion?
141
00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:09,262
I kind of had
a little problem
in Chinatown last night.
142
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:12,398
Yeah? Is the Kung Pao
starting to make its move?
143
00:07:16,035 --> 00:07:18,337
What? No. No.
144
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:22,575
Well, I kind of thought
someone was shooting at us,
145
00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:24,777
and it turns out it was
just a scooter backfiring,
146
00:07:24,877 --> 00:07:28,214
and, well,
I dove to save my mom
147
00:07:28,314 --> 00:07:30,650
and kind of left Steph
for dead.
148
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,421
God, that
makes me smile.
149
00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,091
Ow!
150
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,129
What are you trying to do,
destroy your marriage?
151
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:44,597
No, no, I was just...
152
00:07:44,697 --> 00:07:46,933
Get this
through your skull.
153
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:49,869
Steph is the most
important woman in
your life right now, okay?
154
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:53,306
There is only one
Mrs. Woodcock, one,
and that is your wife.
155
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:58,578
Your mother is now
the artist formerly
known as Mrs. Woodcock.
156
00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:01,848
Listen to Big Red here.
She speaks the truth.
157
00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:03,816
I mean, what is your mother
visiting now for anyway, huh?
158
00:08:03,916 --> 00:08:06,786
You've been married,
what, like, seven minutes?
159
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,754
You're still
laying the groundwork
for your marriage.
160
00:08:08,855 --> 00:08:10,423
The foundation isn't dry.
161
00:08:10,523 --> 00:08:12,091
Your wife needs time to...
162
00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:13,526
Spray her scent?
163
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,965
What?
164
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,334
You've got to
send your mother home
before it gets any worse.
165
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:23,936
Put that woman
on a plane.
166
00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:26,339
Eddie cares very deeply
about his mother,
167
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,407
but he made it clear
early on in our relationship
168
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,609
who was number one.
169
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:30,643
Mom's a fun lady,
170
00:08:30,743 --> 00:08:32,211
but she is not
my number one.
171
00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:34,580
Ow. Ow.
172
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,782
Jeff, trust me
on this one, okay?
173
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:37,917
I got to go to work.
174
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,151
Okay.
Love you.
175
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,887
Okay.
All right, lollipop.
176
00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:44,824
Jeff.
Okay.
177
00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:46,959
I guess I could change
her plane ticket, but...
178
00:08:47,059 --> 00:08:49,562
Don't you dare do that
to your mother!
179
00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:53,966
What?
180
00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:55,735
You just said to me
to put her on a plane.
181
00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:57,904
I don't care what I said
in front of her.
182
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,807
That's just what
the wives want you to do,
183
00:09:01,908 --> 00:09:04,477
send your mom home
so they can drive
that wedge.
184
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:07,046
Make you alienate the
one woman in the world
185
00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:08,915
who loves you
more than anything else.
186
00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:12,552
They can't love you
like that,
and it shames them.
187
00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:15,254
'Cause you gotta get
rid of that old woman.
188
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:17,723
Bye.
189
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:21,961
Do not get rid
of that old woman.
190
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,763
Well, no, maybe if I put
my mom on a plane,
191
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,399
Steph will calm down
and the whole thing
will blow over.
192
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,234
Blow over?
Yeah.
193
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:29,802
I'm gonna tell you
a story.
194
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,104
The year was 1991.
195
00:09:33,105 --> 00:09:34,307
The place was Papa Lasagna's,
196
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,776
home of Papa Lasagna's
famous veal lasagna.
197
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,146
I was there with
my mother and Joy
198
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,982
and Joy orders
a personal pan pizza
199
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:45,117
and my mom
innocently says,
200
00:09:45,217 --> 00:09:47,887
"I've never seen a woman
eat a whole pizza pie."
201
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:51,724
And somehow, to Joy,
that meant, "Your ass
is as big as Kansas."
202
00:09:53,659 --> 00:09:56,462
Well, you can imagine.
We fought for three months,
203
00:09:56,562 --> 00:10:00,099
and I defended my mom
and I tried to explain to Joy
204
00:10:00,199 --> 00:10:01,901
that she didn't mean
anything by it,
205
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:03,936
but at the end of the day,
you have to pick a side,
206
00:10:04,036 --> 00:10:06,572
and I picked the one
that I liked seeing naked.
207
00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:11,510
Joy.
Oh.
208
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:19,452
You know, first you tell me
not to put my mom
on a plane.
209
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:22,788
Now you're telling me
to choose my wife.
I'm totally confused.
210
00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:25,358
All right, all right,
look, Woodcock,
this is what you do, okay?
211
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,860
To the outside world,
you choose your wife,
212
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,697
but you take
the relationship with
your mother underground.
213
00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:35,401
What do you mean,
"underground"?
214
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:37,269
Well, you start
phoning her from work.
215
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,438
You set up
a secret e-mail
216
00:10:39,538 --> 00:10:42,508
with a clever username
known only to her.
217
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:45,211
For you, I suggest
freddylipswack52.
218
00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:50,549
{\an5}What?
It's just a little
something I noticed.
219
00:10:52,184 --> 00:10:53,819
You also want to have
a secret credit card
220
00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:56,088
so you don't need
her approval to get
your mom special gifts,
221
00:10:56,188 --> 00:11:00,326
like that combination TV/VCR
so she only has to learn
one remote.
222
00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:02,028
Wait.
223
00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:04,230
You have
a secret credit card?
224
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,198
I'll do you one better.
225
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:08,067
With the miles
that I earned on it,
226
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:12,405
I actually took my mom
to Cabo San Lucas
on the down-low
227
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,940
on what turned out to be
one of the most
wonderful weekends
228
00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:17,877
of both of our lives.
229
00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:21,447
Are you suggesting
that I have an affair
with my mother?
230
00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:23,783
That's too creepy.
231
00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:25,518
It can be.
232
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,253
Make sure you get
two double beds.
233
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:31,657
Learn from my mistake.
234
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,066
JEFF: I'm sorry I have
to send you home.
235
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:42,134
It's just...
Steph is still really upset
236
00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:45,504
about this whole stupid
backfire/gunshot thing.
237
00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:47,473
Yeah.
238
00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:49,942
I took an Ambien
around midnight.
239
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:52,845
Did she ever stop yelling?
240
00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:55,448
Not so much.
241
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,783
Anyway, you know,
you're only leaving
a few days early
242
00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:00,553
and, hey, you get
that nice, leisurely
layover,
243
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:03,456
so you can shop
and get some lunch...
244
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,392
{\an5}Mmm-hmm.
...and maybe
some dinner and...
245
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,930
Wish I was flying
through Detroit,
I'll tell you that.
246
00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:13,766
Sweetie, don't worry
about it.
247
00:12:13,866 --> 00:12:16,702
I got my book
of crossword puzzles
and my yogurt.
248
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:18,537
I'll be just fine.
249
00:12:19,138 --> 00:12:20,740
I know, but...
250
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:26,112
Oh, Jeffrey, it's important
for you and Steph
to get your life settled.
251
00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:28,647
I'm in the way right now
and I should go
252
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,716
so you two
can work things out.
253
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:35,121
Honey, you know I love you
more than anything.
254
00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:36,756
Yeah, I know that.
255
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:39,692
My only goal is to
make sure you're happy,
256
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:42,128
even if I'm not there
to see it.
257
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:47,066
You're not going
anywhere.
258
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:47,399
{\an8}IN
259
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:47,433
{\an8}ING)
260
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:50,436
I don't know.
261
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:54,206
Is it evil that
I actually let Jeff
send his mom away?
262
00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:57,743
Are you kidding?
Jeff was gonna let
the Chinese guy kill you.
263
00:13:00,012 --> 00:13:02,782
Hey, what are you ladies
doing, making a quilt?
264
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,853
No, Eddie, we're having
what's called a conversation.
265
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,421
Okay, geniuses.
266
00:13:11,023 --> 00:13:14,059
I just... I still feel
kind of guilty.
267
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:18,697
Steph, let me tell you
a little story about
mother-in-laws.
268
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,833
When we were first married,
269
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:24,737
Eddie drags me to this
crappy Italian restaurant,
Papa Lasagna's,
270
00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:26,539
with his mother.
271
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,340
She just can't let it go.
272
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:36,582
I order this tiny, little
personal pan pizza.
273
00:13:36,682 --> 00:13:39,685
She looks me
straight in the eye.
Tells me I'm fat.
274
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:41,854
(CLATTERING)
275
00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:46,992
Come on, Eddie.
Back me up on this.
Remember how rude she was?
276
00:13:47,092 --> 00:13:50,162
Yes. What part
of personal pan pizza
didn't she understand?
277
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:56,769
Well, I should go.
Jeff's gonna be home
from the airport soon.
278
00:13:56,869 --> 00:13:59,371
I'll walk you out.
I'm going out.
279
00:13:59,471 --> 00:14:00,840
EDDIE: Hallelujah.
280
00:14:02,741 --> 00:14:03,976
Every time
I tell the pizza story,
281
00:14:04,076 --> 00:14:07,313
I desperately need to eat
a personal pan pizza.
282
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:09,415
You know what I like to do?
I like to fold 'em in half
283
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,983
and eat 'em like a taco.
284
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:14,987
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
285
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,595
I couldn't do it.
I was on the way
to the airport.
286
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,964
I just couldn't do it.
It's not fair to Ma.
287
00:14:25,064 --> 00:14:26,532
Well, good for you, Woodcock.
You did the right thing.
288
00:14:26,632 --> 00:14:29,001
Oh, just wait.
289
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:31,303
I just... I gotta
talk this over with Steph,
290
00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:33,072
so can I just leave Mom here
for a little while?
291
00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:35,474
(STAMMERS) Wait. Here?
That's kind of weird.
292
00:14:35,574 --> 00:14:38,110
You know,
there's a Red Roof Inn
right near Doylestown.
293
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,112
Eddie, please?
294
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:44,283
All right. I will give
your mother safe harbor.
295
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:47,086
Are you sure
about this, Jeff?
296
00:14:47,186 --> 00:14:49,521
Don't worry, Ma.
He's huge, but he's kind.
297
00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:03,903
Have you been to Cabo?
298
00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:17,549
Hi, honey, listen,
I gotta talk to you
for one second.
299
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:23,088
Baby, I am so sorry
about this whole thing.
300
00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:26,058
{\an5}Oh, so am I. Look...
I know you love
your mother very much,
301
00:15:26,158 --> 00:15:27,960
and I should never
have put you in
the position
302
00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:29,828
of having to choose
between us.
303
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,031
Really? So you didn't
want me to put my mom
on a plane?
304
00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:35,501
Oh, no. I'm so glad
you did that.
305
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:38,404
Now, I just ordered
Chinese food,
306
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,539
so I can finally
get those dumplings
307
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:42,508
and that gives us
about a half hour
308
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:45,244
to play elves
on a marshmallow.
309
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:46,412
(GIGGLING)
310
00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:50,082
Uh... Okay.
311
00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:58,190
Eddie?
312
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:01,794
Did you clean?
313
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,101
What is that smell?
It's so...
314
00:16:09,768 --> 00:16:11,003
Delicious.
315
00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:20,713
Who are you?
316
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,848
Oh, this is Jeff's
mother from next door.
317
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:25,184
And look. She baked
a gingerbread Eddie.
318
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:33,192
It's delicious.
Try one of my arms.
319
00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:36,328
It's very nice to meet you.
You have a lovely home.
320
00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:39,264
Thank you. I thought
Jeff was taking you
to the airport.
321
00:16:39,365 --> 00:16:40,532
So did I.
322
00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:43,302
Eddie?
323
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:46,405
Oh, excuse us for
a moment, won't you,
Mother Woodcock?
324
00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:51,310
{\an5}Yes?
Come in here
for a second.
325
00:16:53,912 --> 00:16:57,016
Why is Jeff's mother
in our kitchen
giving you a haircut?
326
00:16:57,116 --> 00:17:00,019
Well, you know my regular guy
is having boyfriend problems.
327
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:11,497
All right, look. Jeff
just wanted to keep her here
328
00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:14,299
until he had an opportunity
to go home and explain
everything to Steph.
329
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,202
Wait, wait, wait.
Steph doesn't know
that she's here?
330
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:18,937
Not exactly.
331
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:22,541
Does she think that
his mother's on a plane?
332
00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:23,742
No comment.
333
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,278
You know what?
That is it.
334
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,147
I am not going
to be a part of lying
to Steph about this.
335
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:29,948
{\an5}We are taking her
back to the...
Oh, no, you're not.
336
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:33,085
I'm not gonna allow you
to chase another mother
out of our house.
337
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:36,522
What?
338
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,124
And P.S., my mom
never called you fat.
339
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,859
This is not about
your mother.
340
00:17:40,959 --> 00:17:42,995
Oh, this is exactly
about my mother.
341
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:44,296
And you wanna know
something else?
342
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:46,698
Just for the record,
the only thing my mom said
343
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:50,069
is a whole pizza just for you
seems like a lot of food.
344
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:51,437
She didn't know
what she was saying.
345
00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:54,306
She'd never heard
of personal pizzas before.
346
00:17:54,406 --> 00:18:00,079
She came from a generation
where pizzas only came
in one size. Huge!
347
00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:03,148
And I suppose she
didn't mean anything by it
when she snorted
348
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:06,385
when I sprinkled
a teensy bit of Parmesan
on top of it.
349
00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:07,886
What the hell
were you trying to do,
350
00:18:07,986 --> 00:18:09,988
set a world record
for cheese eating?
351
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:15,828
It is a personal
pan pizza.
352
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,297
Personal. Am I crazy,
Mrs. Woodcock,
353
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:21,233
or is this not
a pizza for one person?
354
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:24,002
I wouldn't want
to get in
the middle of this.
355
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,737
But it does seem
like it might be
a challenge
356
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,340
for a lady
to finish that
in one sitting.
357
00:18:33,479 --> 00:18:34,980
Get out!
358
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,249
Get out!
359
00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:42,754
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
360
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:44,323
Just a minute.
361
00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:48,160
You're not Chinese food.
362
00:18:49,394 --> 00:18:51,897
Jeff, I am not
gonna be a part of this.
363
00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:53,332
STEPH: Part of what?
364
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:55,601
What's going on? Bonnie?
365
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,369
Jeff, I thought
you took your mom
to the airport.
366
00:18:57,469 --> 00:18:59,138
I did. I mean I was...
367
00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:00,839
He was hiding her
at our house.
368
00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:02,441
Really?
Yes.
369
00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:06,545
So he came home,
lied to me,
and then we made love?
370
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,514
Didn't know that part,
but yes.
371
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,783
I can't believe
you did this.
372
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,418
How could you lie to me?
373
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:14,987
He had no choice.
374
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,857
We all lie.
375
00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:22,394
We have to when you
make us take your side
over our own mothers.
376
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:24,630
So he kept his mom
at our house
for the afternoon.
377
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:25,864
What's the big deal?
378
00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:29,134
But married people
don't lie to each other.
379
00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:38,510
What?
380
00:19:40,612 --> 00:19:41,980
Of course we do.
381
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,348
Hell, there was
this one time
382
00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:45,417
I actually told Joy
that I was going
383
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:47,052
to a history teacher's
symposium
384
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:50,155
and I was actually
with my mother
in Cabo San Lucas.
385
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,398
Silly question.
Is Joy still here?
386
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:02,968
Yep.
387
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:05,170
Do you happen to own
a protective cup?
388
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,449
All right,
what about that one?
389
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,685
Oh, that's where
I bought my mom
a day of beauty.
390
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:24,556
All right,
how about this one?
391
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,728
That was a pair
of high-end
orthopedic shoes.
392
00:20:29,828 --> 00:20:32,364
Long story short,
she's dancing again.
393
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,268
{\an8}All right, that one.
394
00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:38,837
{\an8}Oh, that was
the commemorative
100th episode
395
00:20:38,937 --> 00:20:41,406
{\an8}Matlock box set with
an additional commentary
396
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:42,741
{\an8}from Andy Griffith.
397
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:46,945
{\an8}Okay, throw in Cabo.
398
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:49,715
{\an8}That's another two grand.
399
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:52,384
{\an8}Carry the one,
that comes to...
400
00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:57,422
{\an8}I'm redoing the kitchen,
401
00:20:57,522 --> 00:20:59,291
{\an8}and I'm buying myself
a horse.
402
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,794
{\an8}A horse?
Yeah.
32684
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