Original subtitles

I didn't think she'd really do it.

How do you get to Paris? Train, ferry, train.

Or hitchhike, swim, hopping.

If we find her in time, what do we do?

That is a good question.

Whoa.

Shout out if we've lost anyone!

No, they're all in one piece, love. Right.

Nobody get on that train!

Darling, don't just slip away! Let us give you a send-off.

No, come on!

Come on, Mariette, a tiny little do, couple of days' time,

then you go with our blessing.

I've got her passport! Argh!

Hey, kids, look, organise a gymkhana and a donkey derby

in our meadow on Saturday, then we'll have a cocktail party.

Ah! We'll charm her into staying. How can she resist?

I feel like I've been reprieved from the guillotine for a day or two.

How long were you...

are you going for?

I don't know.

A year or two.

Long enough to never regret coming back.

I'm just worried that you never will.

COCKEREL CROWS

POP: Shut up, you dim lump of poultry,

there's a princess trying to sleep!

# Oh, you need hands To hold a brand new baby... #

Mmm!

# You need hands

# To guide them on the way... #

GIRLS GIGGLE All together, Larkinettes.

# Oh, you need... # No, don't.

What? Enough.

You entertain the masses! Honestly, I'm...

Oh, sit down. Here she is.

CHILDREN: Morning! Hello!

You look wonderful, princess. She really does.

We made you your favourite breakfast.

Marge, you reckon there's any food left for Edith Pilchester?

I can take it round. She's becoming a recluse.

That's not healthy, is it? I'll leave you to her.

I've got errands. We need string.

I'm not going that way. String's everywhere.

There is no string where I'm going.

I just don't understand.

How can you leave when you've got Charley begging you to stay?

I do love him, but something's missing.

Oomph.

He's got oomph. The nice kind. MARIETTE CHUCKLES

And anyway, Tom had it, and look how wrong that went.

Well, Tom will shoot off,

now he can't build his empire in the village.

You know your problem?

Gobby sister? Deranged family? No.

All your life, you've had boys swooning at your feet.

What is that, is that a swoon?

I think so! I've never seen one.

So, you're bored with adoration,

and you've forgotten how to say yes to love.

MARIETTE SIGHS

I've said yes.

Even when I should've said no.

Alan from the... From the butcher's!

BOTH GIGGLE

MARIETTE SIGHS

Charley's just arrived at the wrong time.

RAPS LIGHTLY

Er... Larkin.

Ah, Sir George and Lady, my favourite posh types.

We always enjoy your... your badinage.

Oh. Though we should be cursing you,

after you scuppered the plan for our house.

Well, it's no skin off your nose, is it? You sold it to Tom Fisher.

No, he only had the option to buy Bluff Court if planning was granted.

Oh, clever basket.

So, of the many, many potential buyers,

we thought first of you.

Oh, me? Me, is it?

Yes, you. I said you.

Who you ditched when you thought what you had a better offer?

You want to knock it down!

Only cos it's a death trap.

It would be like watching your best friend

being punched in the face! No, it wouldn't.

And then whimpering as she's steamrolled into the ground,

limbs... twitching.

Ignore him, please.

Consider buying it from us, Pop.

I'll give it some thought.

This'll make a good jump.

ENGINE PURRS

Ah!

SHE WHIMPERS

Excuse me, where's the police station?

Admit nothing! I'll get you a good lawyer.

What?! So, what is it, then?

Cat burglary? Or did you snap and kill your husband?

Well, let's just say I'm no longer married.

That's not looking good for you, is it?

SHE CHUCKLES You're a scream!

Pop Larkin. Angela Snow.

Oh, I was caught speeding, and I need to show my licence.

I usually claim the sign was hidden behind a parked laundry van.

But this time, I may plead insanity.

Outrageous, but my kind of girl.

Want to come to a cocktail party Saturday?

Hold me back! Heaven.

What a friendly village. Or is it just you?

Just me. Come on, I'll show you where the cop shop is.

SHE GIGGLES It's only round the corner.

Utterly debauched.

Is he debauched? Oh, he's debauched.

I suspect he has a whole raft of women.

A raft of women.

Intriguing idea.

And so selfish.

Stopping the Bluff Court development,

which would've made us all rich.

The entire Larkin family is deeply uncouth.

You don't have six children if you're couth.

You stop at two, and start building a pension.

HORSE NICKERS

Talk amongst yourselves.

I've come to shovel out your shed.

Ah. Thank you.

Or did you do it?

HORSE NICKERS

Je m'appelle Mariette.

Je suis ravi de votre connaissance.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Mr Larkin, don't look at me.

Why not? Fine figure of a woman.

In need of a sausage.

THEY CHUCKLE

Fried bacon.

Kipper.

You're so good to me, Mr Larkin.

Still no telly?

I couldn't possibly afford a licence.

I'm worried about you, Edith. You seem so sad.

No, no, no, not really.

Well, I'll admit to sluggish.

Well, we can't have that. Why don't you help me

with the donkey derby in our meadow on Saturday?

Oh, I'd love that. I have a soft spot for donkeys.

If you're talking about your bottom, you're a saucy so-and-so.

Happy now? Considerably. One more?

SHE LAUGHS

See, Edith, that's good!

Live each day like it's your last, love.

And keep your hand on your ha'penny. CLICKS TONGUE

You've been an absolute lamb.

# Je me lave

# Tu te laves

# Il se lave

# Elle se lave... #

All together now!

# Il se lave Il...

# Je me lave

# Il se lave

# Elle se lave

# Je me lave # Elle se lave. #

Hmm?

# Nous nous lavons

# Vous vous lavez

# Il se lave

# Elle se lave... #

Good. SHE GIGGLES

Now, imperfect tense.

# Je me lavais. #

Erm... I haven't had a chance

to ask you yesterday what you were up to in the woods.

Oh. That.

Yes, yeah, I...

My master plan went awry.

Well, I was worried about you.

SHE CHUCKLES

I really thought, "He's... He's going mad." Yeah!

Yeah, maybe I am.

I mean, you have that power over me.

But, you know, I thought that romantic props might help,

but I am just going to tell you now,

Mariette, I am in love with you.

Yes, I love you.

I've loved you ever since I first saw you only weeks ago.

I mean, you have turned me from a taxman into a...

Yeah! A human being.

I mean, you are the new beating heart of my life.

Well, good.

What could I offer you?

Well, honesty,

free from smooth talking,

and fun and seriousness and... and kindness.

And... And actually, I am surprisingly good at sport.

Honestly, you know...

OK, watch. Right, see?

SHE LAUGHS

That's better with a dart, actually.

And OK, music, I'm really good at music!

And, God, I am just utterly, utterly dedicated to you.

So, what do you say?

What do you say, Mariette Larkin?

Will you stay with me?

No.

I... I'm sorry.

And if you really love me, you'll let me go.

Yeah.

SHOP DOORBELL JINGLES

It's not even lunchtime,

and I've seen Pop Larkin flirting with an unfamiliar hussy

and Ma holding a baby -

and not grimly, out of politeness, like most of us do -

which she's obviously desperate to keep quiet.

I loathe tittle-tattle, Norma.

But it's true.

The Larkins family are out of control

and capable of anything.

Is there anyone more foolish than a gossip?

Fish? Chickens?

The Larkins are good, generous folk.

But whose baby is it?

There have been no births in the village, to my knowledge.

Well, clearly, it's either Mariette's,

or her father's by some mystery woman.

There's your next one.

Do you know what you're doing?

What's wrong?

People are sly and horrible.

There's rumours going round about Dad flirting

and Mum looking after a secret baby.

Bloody 'ell.

I'm sure it's lies.

But Mum has been off on her own a lot recently.

And Dad took sausage to Miss Pilchester.

You all right, Larkinettes?

You're all a bit quiet.

What's up? Yeah?

I met a lovely woman this morning.

More lovely than Ma? I heard she's horrible.

No, obviously not more lovely than Ma,

but a nice woman, she's a laugh.

Angela Snow's her name. Yeah. Very swish, breath of fresh air.

Peculiar. Mm-hm.

Ta, I feel special, but it's not gonna affect my decision.

No, no, Mariette, come on, drink up.

Be merry. Enjoy the benefits, eh?

Cigar?

Maybe later.

LAUGHTER

What is it, Primrose, gorgeous girl?

Nothing.

I know nothings, and that's not one.

All right. I heard people gossiping about...

well, us being a weird family,

and Dad liking other women.

SHE LAUGHS

Don't smile. You should be jealous.

That's not me and your Pop's way.

He believes in spreading good cheer.

But what if he was serious about someone else?

Oh, I love your dad so much.

But I hold myself in pretty high regard, too.

Maybe he should worry about me.

You don't keep a man by sitting on him.

Least of all Pop.

Looks like a big bosom, doesn't it?

Hold your dad back! SHE CHUCKLES

They also talked about seeing you with a baby, and whose it might be.

What, holding a baby's a crime now, is it?

If that's the case, I've been a criminal

pretty regularly these past 20 years.

COCKEREL CROWS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, sorry, I'll be right there.

Really, this is far too much.

No, it isn't. We need you to be happy.

Thanks, dwarves, but I'm not Snow-ruddy-White.

Look, OK, go.

Thank you.

Oh! CUTLERY CLATTERS

Ah! Right, no, look, that is enough.

Right, listen, everyone, stop treating me like I'm Lady Muck.

It's exhausting!

Quite right, precious.

You're the boss. Can we bring you anything?

Ha-ha-hey, Tom!

Let's not pretend we care for each other.

I've already done enough acting in this godforsaken outpost.

Oh, so are you moving on? When I'm ready.

I haven't completely finished with the oil yet.

You don't have to play the pantomime villain, Tom.

There are plenty of other parts available

in our lovely little village! HE LAUGHS

HORN HONKS

SHE CHUCKLES

Pop!

Hello, Angela. Coppers let you go, then?

Yes. I promised to be a good girl.

Never promise that.

You have to lie to the police to keep them on their toes. You do.

I'm on my way to the village, collecting booze for our do.

You wanna rest your pins?

Always, darling.

Come on, hop in.

Just to warn you, though, I've only just passed my test.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh! SPORADIC REVVING

BOTH LAUGH

Well, I liked the look of the place yesterday,

so I fancied a ramble round it.

Well, come and live in the village. I mean, we always want new people.

We're like hop-growing Dr Frankensteins.

Thank you, darling. I may just do that.

Mwah!

Oh, I say. Pop, you old devil.

I'm telling Ma. No.

It's nice that old people still like a quick, informal snog.

Let me in then, big man.

BABY CRIES

Thank God you're here!

You can relax now, Aunt Fan.

We can't cope, he's possessed!

SHE CHUCKLES No, he's not!

He's adorable.

Little Oscar. BABY STOPS CRYING

How do you do that?

Well, having six babies helps.

Seth, he's got your face. Poor little squirt.

SHE CHUCKLES

Any word from your daughter?

No, Hattie can't look after herself,

no surprise her own baby's beyond her.

Hat won't rush back.

She's fallen in with rascals up there in Whitsta-bubble.

Well, it's a strain, being a new mum.

Especially if the dad's run away like a bastard.

But the word's getting out about Oscar.

There's snoopers around.

We'll have to shut all the curtains, then.

Front and back.

I don't want folks knowing my daughter's had a wobble.

There's nothing wrong with a wobble.

But what are me and my sister here gonna do, eh?

You're gonna carry on.

Like this, with my help.

And wait till your Hat sees sense and comes back to her baby.

And in the meantime, us Larkins'll do our bit.

Just like we always do. Just like we always do!

BABY BABBLES, SHE LAUGHS

That is a Ma Cherie cocktail.

Yes, it is. Frisky but not debilitating.

What do you reckon, Charley boy?

CHARLIE GULPS

Ooh! Ooh-hoo! I like that one. Yeah!

Although... on balance, I've liked them all.

Well, all of them it is, then! How's, er... How's tomorrow's, er...

SLURRED WORDS: ..er, equestrian preparation proceeding?

THEY LAUGH I can't believe I got that out!

THEY LAUGH I dunno!

Brigadier, the kids are in charge.

Onto the canapes. 'Ere, these'll tickle you.

Ooh, crisps!

Yeah, but flavoured with cheese and onion.

Ooh, what will they think of next?

Mm! These.

Ooh!

"Twig-lays"!

I-I don't think they're French!

THEY LAUGH Sorry, sorry.

I've got France on my mind.

You know, France and unrequited love.

And goats, for some reason.

Goats?! THEY LAUGH

Urgh! No! No, I don't think drink is the answer.

Then you're asking the wrong question!

I think we're gonna win this tomorrow.

Don't you, matey?

Go on. Go on, Biscuit.

New parish magazine, two bob.

You're going straight to hell!

Rev, keep it civil.

HORSE APPROACHES

So, word is Mariette Larkin's going away.

SHE SIGHS She'll never leave.

And her mother's been seen with the baby

everyone's trying to keep quiet.

What's wrong with your face?

Obviously, it's Mariette Larkin's baby.

Oh... That's probably balls,

but fair enough. Yeah, don't ruin a nice bit of dirt.

I don't remember her looking pregnant.

She could've knocked it out in the winter,

when we were all half asleep. But who's the dad?

God, I love village life.

SHE CHORTLES

How are you, Ma?

I'm in love with that baby. I bet.

Oh... I loved it when our lot were tiny, 'ey?

Playing in the barn with them, in the hay... Mm.

..rain drumming on the roof. Mm.

Yeah.

Ooh, you know there's rumours flying?

Oh, let 'em talk. Well, they'll have to do.

Seth's ashamed that his daughter's abandoned her new baby, so...

he wants it kept quiet until she comes back.

Yeah, I'll bet.

They're gossiping about you doing the funny business with a new lady.

Angela? Mm.

No, codswallop. Oh, well, I know that.

Hope you gave Edith Pilchester a nice little kiss, though.

Course I did. Pepped her up a bit.

You know, tomorrow... we should find her a man.

Oh, there'll be too much else to do. Most of all, show Mariette

that this is the best, most fun place on God's earth.

Yeah.

Otherwise, it'll be her last day here.

Dim the moon, would you, love?

Ta.

Come here, come here. Come on, come on.

Oi! Big ears!

Yes, you! Slow down! DONKEYS BRAY

Well, you say that... Hang on.

Come on, come on.

BABY CRIES

# Doo-doo-doo-doo! #

CRYING CONTINUES

CRYING STOPS

Hattie, er...

Hattie's not coming back.

She says she'll be worse than no parent.

Oh, Seth...

You and Pop need to take him.

No. No, we got half a dozen. That's an egg box.

Here, you're good with kids. And the kid's a rellie o' yours!

Second nephew once removed or whatnot.

Yeah, so you could adopt him. You know... casual, like.

You're his only hope!

Otherwise, he'll end up in a kiddies' home.

All right. I'll take him back with me for a while.

Just till Hattie recovers and... and comes back for her baby.

BABY WHIMPERS

I mean, I love a tricky old pile as much as the next man.

I'm not talking about the backside ones, either.

Oh, no, they're horrid. Granted.

But look at it! And you!

It's killing you, Sir George, you know, trying to keep it going.

Especially with the orangery, isn't it? Which has never produced

so much as one orange. FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: Orangery.

On... Huh?

FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: Orang...ery. Orangery. I agree.

Buy it and knock it down.

No, please don't. It's got some lovely period details.

Haven't we all?

Look, I've got a lot to do today, but, you know, pfft, I'll buy it.

SHE GASPS At last!

Thank you! OK.

What are you gonna do with the property?

HE SIGHS

HE CHUCKLES

FEEDBACK Testing, testing.

DONKEYS BRAY

Charley!

Oh, hello, Ma. You coming up to our do later on?

Er, no, no, I don't think I'll bother.

Come on up now. All right.

I got a job for you. Oh, all right.

BABY CRIES

Oh... Whose is that?

Hard to say.

Can I wear your red dress? Get lost, that's my favourite.

I'll wear them all if you leave.

MIMICS: "I'll wear them all if you leave."

THEY LAUGH, BABY WHIMPERS

What-what's going on?

We might be having another baby.

There you go, Pa. Yep, cheers, Reg.

Form an orderly queue... then orderly R, then an orderly S.

Classic jokes, no charge.

JOHNNY OVER SPEAKERS: We're just moments away

from the donkey races, so do grab a ride

if you're a bit thick and don't value your own life.

Just four kamikazes so far.

If you throw me off, you'll be dog food and glue within a week.

Got that?

Actually, that reminds me of when I played Jesus

in Worthing Rec, for my sins.

Every show, twice nightly, I'd come on stage riding this donkey.

And how I managed to get to the end of the week

without strangling that lardy grey slob, I have no idea.

Say what you like about actors,

but very few of them pee on stage and paddle around on it.

Anyway, on with the ladies' race.

Go on, then, on you get, Edith, join in.

No, it'd be absolutely ghastly.

I've never ridden anything in my life.

What did we agree about living each day like it's our last?

I don't think I agreed. Well, then, let's start today.

Come on. Mr Larkin! Come on, Edith.

Come on. Oh...

HE CHUCKLES

There you go! BREATHLESSLY: Mr Larkin...

There you go. Debauchery.

DONKEY BRAY Steady, steady.

Oh, that guy's going to shoot a donkey.

Maybe it's been naughty. Bit excessive.

Apologies. I've been told it's a starting pistol.

PISTOL FIRES

CHEERING

There are going to be some red lady bottoms tonight.

Ah, she's listing heavily, and she's gone!

LAUGHTER You're a shambles!

Grip with your thighs, Edith, grip with your thighs!

Shameless. Filth.

Like it, eh? It's a bit heavy.

PISTOL FIRES

DONKEYS GRUNT Whoa, whoa!

Oh, no, Ma, it IS the last day of her life!

GRUNTING CONTINUES

Whoa! SPLASH

Edith! Are you all right, Miss Pilchester?

I've never felt more alive! Or more injured!

THEY LAUGH

Well, everyone else has given up. Don't know why she's bothering.

LAUGHTER

The winner is... er, an angry blonde girl.

BABY BABBLES

DOOR OPENS

Sorry, Charley, sweetheart. You go and have some fun.

Oh.

You're a lovely boy.

Oh, we so want you to win Mariette over and be with her.

Mm, me too.

So I'll go and do that, then.

I don't like these clouds.

But there's one thing I've learnt in life,

is to ignore the weather and critics.

So, it's time for the horse jumping.

Er, and that doesn't mean people jumping over horses, although, er...

although perhaps we could do that a bit later, yeah?

So, first to jump is, er, erm...

erm, the-the-the pretty one. Mariette Larkin.

APPLAUSE

She's only a slip of a girl, she'd make a good jockey.

Go on, yeah, brilliant. Or you could send her up a chimney.

Go on, Mariette! Go on.

'Ey up. Cat, pigeons.

CROWD GASPS Oh, she's clattered into that...

er, what's-it.

Hello. You made such a mistake.

Watch this.

Excuse me, there's a system!

Yeah, yeah.

And this is Mrs Fothergill on... Debbie?

Dressed all in black, going for that mystery man look.

Reminds me of a shadow.

He's good, though, the lad, he's good, he's good.

Oh, he's hopped them too.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CROWD GASPS

And that's a clear round from the man in black.

Very slimming colour, of course, black.

Feel free to take me on.

Right, that's it, I need a horse.

No, wait, Charley, don't rise to it, son!

No, rise to it! Win!

I swear... Sorry, can I...?

What? Erm, right...

No, Charley, don't, it's not your thing.

Oh, what is my thing, being a lovable loser?

No-one's obeying the system!

Oh, he's doing it without a saddle. He's never been on a horse, has he?

So, he's either very good or...

The technical term for that is "untidy".

Oh! Sorry! Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, he's gone again.

They really should make these horses wider.

Or could we tie him on?

Whoa!

LAUGHTER

No, perhaps we should all look away.

Reminds me of a drunk actress I once worked with.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is almost over, I promise.

HORSE WHINNIES Sorry. Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, well done, Charley, lad.

Well done for giving it a go, Charley boy.

APPLAUSE

Woo!

We love you, Charley!

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovable loser.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good lad.

OK. Ooh!

And one more fall for the road.

Sorry, I'm sorry, I just...

Wow. SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my...

You know what? I think you might be a bit of a git.

I hear you've had a baby on the quiet. What?!

Looks like I made a lucky escape.

No, Charley!

I've got this, it's all right.

Ooh!

You're a bloody taxman loser!

Oh, hang on a minute, hang on a minute.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Whoo!

Well, that concludes the all-in wrestling,

I thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Where would we be without the Larkins?

Still stuck in Kent, sadly.

But it's true, they are most generous.

I shouldn't have gone on that donkey.

You know you were facing the wrong way?

There's no right or wrong way. There is.

Oh, shut up.

You see, it's another bloody Larkin!

They've brought it home.

What's it doing here?

And whose is it?

It could be Pop's,

if Mariette didn't slip away and have it.

You do understand about the nine months?

Yes. You can strap it down.

Mm-hm.

They'll be looking after it for someone.

I think we will go to that cocktail party tonight, after all.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Cocktail party! Woo-hoo!

MUSIC: 'Move It' by Cliff Richard

I need you girls to be hostesses.

Go on, on you go. I'll follow you.

Well done.

Help yourself, lads.

There you go, glass of beer, drop of cider. Well done.

And the twins, have yourself a Ma Cherie.

Watch yourself, though, they are lethal.

Not you two, you're eight. They're Miss Barnwell's.

And welcome. Thank you. You're welcome, my pleasure.

OK, Lord and Lady B-G, welcome, welcome.

Everyone having a lovely time?

Well, Victoria said it was a fancy dress party, so...

Yes, never believe anything she says.

Well...

THUD What was that?

One of my onions dropped. Sorry.

Are you all right after your tumble, Edith?

Yes, thank you. Pop's promised to teach me how to ride.

Grip with the thighs. MA CHUCKLES

Right, thighs! It gets worse.

And here's the main one.

Sanctity of marriage means nothing to him.

Mind you, she is rather gorgeous.

Do you dance at all? Well, I fling 'em up a bit.

You know, Ginger Rogers lives over in Pluckley,

she's always dropping in for a shimmy, drives me mad.

THEY LAUGH

Is it me, or is that man staring at me,

and has been all weekend?

Alec Norman, has he?

There's a wasp at every picnic.

Hello, Ma. THEY CHUCKLE

There she is.

Our girly. Yeah.

Wow.

You look awful (!) Thank you.

MUSIC: 'In The Mood' by Glenn Miller

Stop that, Frenchy. Yeah, come on, share it out.

I, er... don't normally dance!

PRIMROSE CHUCKLES

Don't go off tomorrow looking for excitement,

it's all here.

POP: Fantastic!

Ooh! Hold tight.

Oh, thanks. Hello, I'm Angela.

I've heard all about you, Mariette.

Oh, dear! THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, you've got to love a bopping vicar.

Dancing has never looked more like unarmed combat.

Yeah, anyone who's seen them on a dancefloor

never calls us "the delicate sex" again.

THEY LAUGH

Look, it's none of my business -

oh, God, those fatal words -

but I've travelled a lot,

and I think you should spread your wings, just like you planned.

He's a sweetheart.

But if I've learnt anything,

it's that it's good to put love to the test.

MUSIC: 'Sixty Minute Man' by The Dominoes

Libby, more than that.

You're an active young woman, not a fruit fly.

It's all bubbling up nicely.

What is?

You notice Pop and Ma haven't danced?

Well, he's obviously lining up Miss Snow over there

for an affair.

So, Pop and Ma organised today

to paper over the cracks in their marriage

for the sake of the children.

And they've got a baby upstairs, which is Pop's or Mariette's.

She's pulling a fast one and joining Tom Fisher in France tonight,

if she can give the taxman the slip.

Darling!

Now, don't say anything.

But we've got a proposal we're gonna put to you.

Yeah. We've...

We bought big old Bluff Court, see?

And I'm gonna knock it down before it falls on someone.

And, well, me and Ma, we want you to have some of the land.

Yeah, we know that you want your independence,

so you can do what you like with it, build a house or run a business,

or maybe a riding school. Yeah.

Or if you fancy it, live there with Charley boy.

We know you love him.

And if he loved you any more, it'd kill him.

Not half, yeah.

He always forgets to breathe any time he's near you. Yeah.

He'll have to stop that, that's unhealthy.

MA CHUCKLES Yeah.

Oh, Mum, Dad,

you've been so good to me.

MARIETTE SNIFFLES

Better in than out. Yeah, as Ma and me always says.

But I can't take it.

It's you giving me things again.

I have to make my own way,

fight my corner.

And I... I can't be a moon,

revolving round the planet of Mum and Dad forever.

Yes, you can. No, I can't.

Yes, you can.

So... I'm going to Paris.

My future and Charley's will be...

a glorious tale -

or tales -

still to be told.

Right, good.

That's cleared that up, then. Yeah.

On with the party. Yeah.

What's that?

I can hear some of our dear friends shouting out for a speech right now.

Go on, do it anyway. Yeah.

CHATTER

TAPS GLASS

CLANG

Thank you, Victoria.

Erm... Evening, all.

Lord love ya.

Erm... My wife isn't standing with me,

because... well, I've got some news.

And it's been boiling up for some time now.

And it's actually happening, so...

Anyway, Ma?

BABY OSCAR VOCALISES

This is a new member of our family, Oscar.

His mother tried, bless her,

but she... she couldn't cope.

So, she asked us to adopt him.

Which we are honoured to do.

Yeah.

You might be thinking, "They've already got six!"

LAUGHTER

But...

our Mariette is...

is off on her travels tomorrow.

So, what better time to bring a new Larkin...

..here to home?

I do a very good christening! Not what I heard.

Yeah, you dropped my baby.

Well, the little sod kept wriggling.

I know a Buddhist who does a fabulous service.

If we're widening our horizons, and it's about time,

the Hindu naming ceremony is very magical.

We don't want any of that continental nonsense.

Right, come on, bit of hush now, everyone,

or I'll get the donkeys back in, eh?

LAUGHTER

Now, Ma and me, we've been hearing some rumours.

And... well, I know who's been spreading 'em,

and I just want to say this.

It don't make a gnat's arse of difference.

You know why? Cos I love this village.

And seeing as Ma,

my family...

Aw!

..and you lot are in it,

and we are blessed with plenty and beauty,

in a world where they can be in short supply.

Anyway, well,

bugger me if it ain't time for some fireworks.

LAUGHTER

You know what, Ma? If we're having a baptism,

maybe we should get wed an' all.

Yeah. Mm-hm.

Wait, you're not married?

Nah, never got round to it.

UNZIPPING

HE GROANS

Don't ever treat the Larkins like that again.

Well, oddly, marriage actually increases your tax bill,

so, it pays to live in sin.

Uh-uh, don't use that word.

There are no sinners round these parts.

I mean, you'd certainly be better off when the time comes.

Time comes for what?

To pay your taxes, Pop.

They'll catch up with you eventually.

FIREWORKS BANG You must be... joking.

..off, Charley.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh!

It's amazing, look at it!

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

I can hear you breathing.

Just leaving you your independence.

SHE GIGGLES Thank you.

Though you did insist on inviting me along.

Erm... I don't know about insist.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

What?

You're on your own, mate.

Merci "boo-coop".

Merci beaucoup.

Merci "boo-coo".

Merci beaucoup.

Merci beaucoup.

Eating like a Larkin, aren't you?

More orange juice, anyone?

You know what? I'm glad Mariette's gone off.

I'm not.

Look, your Pop's right, sweetheart, for once.

She's her own woman, always has been.

If you've got an itch, scratch it, don't sit on it.

So earthy!

Ha!

Shouldn't you be at school?

Holiday started, innit?

Yeah, officially summertime.

Well then, let's stop messing around and have some fun.

Ideas, anyone?

Let's go to the Roman Museum in Canterbury.

We've done donkeys, let's ride on pigs!

Let's paint everything yellow.

What about a balloon ride? Nah, too draughty!

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