Original subtitles

VACUUMING

I can still see dust!

Well, nobody else can.

You all right, Mum? Yes. Do more cleaning.

Oh! What's this? My eyes! Stop the polishing!

Is the Queen coming today, is she? Yes, Queen Bertha of Bromley.

I thought it might be good for your sister to see some dirt.

She will NOT see any dirt!

Why are you worrying? Ooh!

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Come on, love.

I... Come on.

Oh...

BELL TRINGS, HE WHISTLES

HE LAUGHS Childish, Pop. Very childish.

Ooh, Edith, yes!

You're on the parish council. Yes.

Do you want to join us? You'd be such an asset.

Or the playing fields committee? I'm on that, too. Do join us.

Or the Knitting For Poor, Cold Children club?

Edith, Edith... Forgive me.

You bring out the poxy in me. Oh, right.

I've been told Tom Fisher wants to extend his hotel

and do away with Spreading Linda.

Oh, no, Spreading Linda? Our beautiful tree?

I was in and out of her many a summer back

when I felt able to do that sort of thing.

D'you know if he's submitted any plans? No.

Would you like me to trigger the consultation process

via Rule 29B and call a meeting?

There you go. Thanks.

Have you seen Charley? I think he's avoiding me.

Because you're spending time with Tom. Less than with him.

Tom's just more pushy. And... smooth as a baby's arse.

GIGGLING Did I hear "arse"?

Anyway, I'm off to my job in Paris in a few weeks...

And Charley's an angel. I don't wanna hurt him.

I told him he should have swept you off your feet by now.

Well, if he has to be told, then there's not much point, is there?

Right... ladies!

Let's get picking! THEY LAUGH

OK. Whoo!

Down by your strawberry beds, anyone?

Let's pick this field naked!

Whooooo! MARIETTE SCREAMS

I've just been so full of life down here on the Larkins' farm, Mum!

'Because of this girl?' Yes! No.

Abso... No. Mum, it's... everyone. Everything.

'And are you still happy?' Er...

Actually... no.

WHISTLING

Mr Larkin! Tom.

What, do you wanna come in? Oh, no, Tom.

I've got some mad in-laws to get home to.

You know... Anyway, look, word is that,

besides turning Bluff Court into a big hotel...

you're gonna be knocking down our most famous tree!

Well... that's all speculative at this stage.

No, it's not. You mean business,

and you should be sharing that with the village,

so we can all discuss it.

Do you share all YOUR business plans?

Well, of course! If it affects everyone.

So!

See you at the village hall.

All right, Charley?

Mm-hm. Yeah, just ringing my parents.

Though it is odd, being called "Cedric". I kept correcting them.

Yeah, they're shocked that I've thrown in my job at the tax office.

Well, what did you tell them?

That I'd found a better way of living.

Amongst inspirational people.

Yeah, they told me I'm an imbecile.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, yeah, how's, er... I-Is it Tim?

SHE SIGHS No, it's Tom. I dunno. Ask him.

Don't be disingenuous. You know what I mean.

Charley, I was brought up to say what's on my mind.

I just did, and you seem a little defensive.

No, I'm due to go to France,

we've got the family lunatics staying

and I'm behind on my French. J'envie donc.

Calmes-toi, je t'en prie!

What is it with you men and being able to speak French?

Oh, for... So he can speak French as well?

Goodness me, is there anything the smarmy hustler can't do?!

Jealousy is so boring. Worry about yourself more than him.

Oh! All right, so I'm boring and self-deluded?

Well, you should've just said so before, Mariette.

HE SIGHS

APPLAUSE Mr Charlton?

Mr Charlton, sir!

Hello, Brigadier. You're looking very cheesed off.

How can we put the cheese back on your face?

Or take it off, whichever it is.

Er... You can't, but thank you.

Ooh, I'd better, er... No, no, stay.

They can play around you. PLAYER GRUNTS

MAN: Don't drop it! To me, mate!

APPLAUSE

Oh! Good throw. Most impressive.

Pick a team. Oh, er, thank you,

but I'm leaving the village.

I can't stay with the Larkins any more.

It's not my place to ask why.

So, you might want to tell me?

Oh, sorry. Erm... I just felt it was time to, er...

No. No, it's Mariette.

She... SIGHS

..is unsettling.

Then bill it with us. We love guests.

Oh, er... are you sure?

CHUCKLING: Your, er... your sister doesn't seem hugely sociable.

Oh, she is. But she seldom tells her face.

THEY SHOUT

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

How can we get Mariette together with Charley?

Oh, it's just bad timing.

You can't make someone love who they don't want to.

No, otherwise, I'd be fighting of Rock Hudson,

and he'd be shacked up in the woods with Lauren Bacall.

Mariette should know better.

I tell you what, then.

Why don't you let us choose your boyfriends?

What about that? I mean, I like that Rom Pummel in her class, don't you?

Ooh! He's a charmer. Mm.

Mariette is just distracted by France and Tom.

How can she trust Tom

when we know he wants to pull up that lovely old tree?

Actually, she's right. That is a bit sly.

Especially after I'd made a massive cash offer

for that big old pile of bricks. Shh!

There's something... What? What?

I can hear them. Hey?

CAR APPROACHING

Jemima!

Bertha, sweetheart. MA CHUCKLES

Florence.

Hello, Pop. Howard, how are you?

Let me look at you.

BERTHA CHUCKLES

And let me look at you.

Jemima...

So, er... what do you think?

Oh, well, look at that sky. I mean...

Although the veg will need a bit of rain, mind, you know. No, no.

I mean our new 3.4L Jaguar.

Oh. Yeah, very nice. Very nice, yes. HOWARD CHUCKLES

Now, think about car dealers is you've got to bargain with them.

Now, I told him, I said, "I am not paying the full price

"unless you throw in those mud flaps."

Right.

So he did. Oh.

Brilliant. Well, I can't wait to, erm...

tap into your extensive knowledge, Howard.

I'll give you a hand with them. STRAINING: Right.

We do like a nice car.

We like nice things generally, don't we, Howard?

Oh, yes. That's just us.

SHE CHUCKLES

We have a Rolls-Royce.

Ooh...

It's quite an old one.

You know what? I'm going to go to the village,

get some castration pliers.

Good luck, everyone.

Let me take that from you, pumpkin.

Shall we?

We've got lots of animals on the farm, Jemima.

Which is your favourite? She hates all animals.

They've usually got mud on them.

It's so silly, both of us living in the same county

and hardly ever meeting.

It is.

But we are addicted to Bromley. Mm.

The interesting thing about Kent is it's not only rural,

but also suburban,

with lots of commuters going into London by train.

BERTHA CHUCKLES

You must be desperate for a ride in our new 3.4L Jaguar.

Oh... yes.

What do you fancy doing tomorrow, Jemima?

Staying clean.

"Staying clean"? Are you serious?

She's spotted a fair bit of mud and dirt. Hm...

She likes her tarmac. Don't you, 'Mima?

Kunzle Showboat.

WHISTLING

'Ey up, Charley. Ooh.

Are you all right? Yeah.

Oh... You're not leaving, are you?

Oh, please don't think me ungrateful.

I just... didn't want to disturb the household.

No, not at all! The out-laws, they'll be gone in a day or two.

No, no, no, I mustn't impose on you any longer.

I'll saying with the Brigadier.

OK, well, good. That's not far.

No, no. We'll miss you.

Especially Mariette.

Well...

Bye. OK.

HORN BEEPS TWICE

You all right, Tom? Mornin'.

Nice.

Fancy a spin in the country?

Any particular reason? Well...

It's a chance to understand me better.

Hello, horrors.

Well, you're young and... small.

That's not what you say to kids.

Well... I break all the rules, don't I?

Erm... What do you think of my nice car?

Don't YOU start. Oh!

What an expected pleasure.

I love to give the people what they want.

Especially you, Mrs Larkin. When Kentish eyes are smiling, hey?

SHE CHUCKLES LOWERS VOICE: How old are you, Tom?

32.

Mm! Quite a big age gap between you and our Mariette, isn't there?

So you would prefer a 20-year-old

driving around your precious daughter?

Touchy! I think you mean touche.

No, I don't.

She can look after herself, but don't go mucking her about.

I treat all women with reverence. Even when they're mucking me about.

Ooh, I hope you haven't got any nasty secrets -

no dead wife in the woodshed!

SHE LAUGHS Sorry.

I'm just trying to crack you open. You seem too good to be true.

We love the village, but...

it has more of its fair share of gargoyles and muggins.

Well, I love it here, too. It's home now.

Oh, credit to you. We need new blood.

Right, come on. Out of the way. CHILDREN PROTEST

Thank you.

How can I persuade you that I have your - and the village's -

best interests at heart?

Stop throwing your weight around?

If you mean me restoring a broken old mansion,

and, yes, enlarging it

and sadly losing one of several thousand trees, then...

Beware men, especially businessmen, bearing gifts.

Your dad may be making money, but most people around here need work.

Opportunity, income. Imagine if you were staying here.

I'm not! But if you were.

Do you really wanna work for your parents forever?

CYCLIST: Morning! Morning.

BELL TRINGS

Hey up, Libby. What's all this, then?

A public meeting's been called. Uh-huh?

About Tom Fisher's plans to build an extension on his exciting 'otel.

Really? Who'd have thought?

You're normally the first to know, Larkin.

Best thing to happen here for years. Something in it for you, is there?

First an oversized hotel,

then he plans to chop down one of Kent's legendary trees.

We can't let this happen!

No, I agree. We can't. Let's see who wins, shall we?

Do you know anything about cars? Yes.

I know that, when they go wrong, you get a bloke into fix it.

Oh. My little sister, Victoria, can build a car from the wheels up.

Really? Mm-hm.

Should've taken her out, rather than you.

Mm, might be a bit weird. She talks mainly in grunts.

Ugh... I'm afraid this feels like just deserts.

I shouldn't be here. Why not? Why deprive yourself?

My friend Charley's moved out cos he doesn't think I should trust you.

And do you trust him?

It took him years to realise that being a taxman is boring.

Hm! It's a good and honest job. HE SIGHS

And being here's really opened his eyes.

Are you your own person or his?

I'm infinitely complicated. Me, too!

Let's be "infinitely complicated" together. Or...

shall we embrace our more basic instinct...

At least we're only a few miles away from home. Here comes a car.

SHE LAUGHS

Traffic policeman meets bull-fighter? Could be disastrous.

I don't know. 'Ello, 'Ello. Ole!

I'll do this. You'll scare them off.

Erm... Chance of a lift to a call box?

Yes.

You keep this hood up. OK, my dear?

I think she might be a bit hot. Clean and safe.

If you see an animal, poppet, just scream

and your cousins will throw themselves in front of it.

Don't be scared of mud. It's normal. And dung.

Normal. Pigs mating? Normal.

Enough. We won't make you watch pigs mating, sweetheart.

Jemima? Don't panic if you see birds.

Don't be scared any more. Come on! It's fine.

POP: What a shame. There'll be other times.

You sure it weren't Charley sabotaging your motor?

No, course he didn't.

He's not clever, but not with his hands, as far as I know.

Ha! Anyway, Tommy, should you really be swanning around?

Haven't you got to face the village about your plans

to eventually turn it into Birmingham?

Ha-ha (!) You should take your comedy on stage.

Well, that big cedar'll have to go for kick-off, 'ey?

Or what about there, big car park? Road? Car park?

Dad, don't tease.

Ooooh!

THEY LAUGH Hey!

That's more like it, Jem. Oh!

Berries!

HE SIGHS

Come on.

Come on, let's go. THEY CHEER

20 minutes, and we're in London by train.

Oh, that's handy.

Pop helped save our railway only last week.

And we don't fancy that and we're, er... we're bored with Bromley...

Unlikely! Unlikely.

..we've got all the joys of Croydon just a short hop away.

Erm, top-up, anyone?

You know what? I'd love an advocaat.

You'd think you'd through checking the only drink we haven't got.

Where's Mariette gone?

Toilet. That's a long toilet.

You know what? I've got to go check on the, erm...

How's-your-father.

..geese. Geese.

So, Mariette's friend's car broke down, did it?

Wouldn't happen to our new 3.4L Jaguar.

It only broke down because Victoria sabotaged it.

We prefer Charley to Tom. Mm!

On geese... Little-known fact.

A group of case is called a gaggle.

Or a wedge if they're in flight. Or a plump in tight formation.

A gaggle. Yeah.

Interesting little titbit for you.

Excuse me, I need an aspirin.

SHE SIGHS

What are you doing? Get back in there!

You go back! It's my turn.

Oh, oh... HE SIGHS

They'll be back when they're hungry.

IN HINDI:

Er, wh... what are you talking about?

Er... Recipes.

You, er... You must teach me some Hindi.

You won't be staying long enough. Right.

So, what are your plans?

I don't have any. Oh...

So, you must have taught all of the Larkins.

What was Mariette like at school?

Headstrong, always fighting off boys, often arrived on a horse.

Oh. Right. Nothing's changed. CHUCKLES

You have admirers, too.

Pauline at the inn said there'll always be a welcome

in her hillside for you.

Oh, d'you know what? I have had my offers.

Haven't we all? She hasn't.

God, how have I become so spineless?

Don't know, not interested. We're off to the village hall.

Come with us.

Tom Fisher's defending his building plans.

I predict a punch-up!

VILLAGERS CHATTING, GAVEL BANGS

A country-house hotel will create jobs

and boost every local business - farms, shops, services.

The extension is needed for staff accommodation.

We'd rather keep our very old tree! MURMURS OF AGREEANCE

Small sacrifices must be made, sadly.

Look, change is coming to our village, whether we like it or not,

but I will manage it better than most because I live here.

And everything I want is here.

Thank you. CROWD MUTTERS DISAPPROVINGLY

Thank you, Tom. Stunning.

As chairman of your parish council...

Here, here. Thank you, Norma.

Get on with it, you creep. Here, here.

Rest assured, we will be listening to all views

before voting at the end of the week.

But you'd be a halfwit to object to this development

or to cutting down a lump of wood.

We need a swimming pool!

Shut it, Mr Binns. Put me down for a swimming pool.

Sorry, Mr Fisher claims to be a resident,

but how long has he actually lived here?

Longer than you. True.

But I'm not trying to quietly concrete over paradise

just to make a profit.

Yeah. We don't mind a hotel...

or maybe losing a tree we've all loved for centuries.

WOMAN: Yeah! But it won't stop there, will it?

Of course it will.

You wanted to buy Bluff Court, didn't you? Yes, I did.

And your plan was to knock it down and sell it off for scrap.

And open the land for... It is a splendid manor house,

which you wanted to destroy to make a profit!

So much for "preserving the village", huh?

CROWD MURMURS

Charley, boy! I've missed ya.

Oh! HE LAUGHS

That was a fun one. Ha...

Oh, well, I've missed you. How are you all?

How's Primrose? I'm disappointed in you, Charley.

You're letting Tom stamp all over you.

MAN: Come on, then! MAN: Right, you...

I'll put one on you! WHISTLE BLOWS

I'd advise you not to... Oh! Yeah! Take that.

All right, all right, all right! Don't make me use my judo.

Just pack it up, pack it up. Come on.

Leave him alone! Get her off me!

Time's running out.

Either Mariette's off to France or Tom will have her.

Oh, don't worry.

Yeah, I lost confidence for a while, but... now the dragon is stirred.

APPROVINGLY: Hmm.

Oh... It seems they don't like us OR the countryside.

So why have they come? Because she is your beloved sister.

It's like they've only come to niggle.

And to show off the new car!

Have they got a new car? They have.

MOCKING: They've got a new 3.4L Jaguar.

Is it? MOCKING: Is it a new 3.4L Jaguar?

THEY CHUCKLE

Yeah... Well, they just have trouble enjoying themselves.

A lot of folk do. Mm...

I want to love my own flesh and blood,

not run it over in its own car. HE CHUCKLES

I'm sorry. Hm?

You've got a village to preserve. Yeah...

I'm just not used to the likes of Tom.

You and me, we're canny, Ma, but so's he.

And it seems like he's the future.

Well, there's nine on the committee. Mm.

Looks like four for Tom and four against.

Get the vicar and we've won! Nobble the vicar.

CHUCKLING: Yeah.

Larkin! Get in that church.

Why? What's happening?

Eternal salvation's happening, what else, you heathen lowlife?

Hm, I might give that a go.

Meanwhile, which way will you be voting?

I'm waiting for a sign from God.

I doubt that.

Why? What are you offering?

You'd vote to damage the village?

Two sides of every coin. And indeed, every banknote.

REVVING

Rural dean. I'm on a last warning.

And in at number ten, thou shalt not covet thou neighbour's wife,

staff, ox or indeed ass, so please don't do it.

Dean!

SOUND FROM TELEVISION

Fancy a walk at all? We don't walk, really.

Except to the car.

And inside shops.

Modern man is built biologically to sit.

Hence us not being on all fours.

Except on special occasions, and hence us not having a tail,

which otherwise would get in the way... on the chair.

That is nonsense, Uncle Howard.

Why are you always telling us things

that are either wrong or we know them already?

GROWLS

I expect she'll want to apologise to us later.

It's true, Howard, you do sometimes, erm...

Well, you guess, really, don't you?

Well, he can't be THAT stupid,

or he couldn't have bought us a new 3.4L Jaguar.

Oof!

Hoo!

All right...

Oh, left a bit. Cowpat.

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Monty!

You can do it, Jemima.

What are you scared of? Most things.

Why? Don't be.

Just try jumping, you really want to.

Oh!

Oh!

We've got your vote, Mrs Fothergill,

and that's the main thing.

You will have to shout, I'm on a horse.

SHOUTS: We've got your vote? Oh, absolutely.

Mummy believes our ancient way of life must be protected at all costs.

Wait, we're not saying that, actually.

Steady. Steady.

Miss Chand, always a deep joy to be near you.

Don't waste your moth-eaten charm on me, I'm not voting your way.

Why not?

Any development will mean an influx of people,

which will mean a bigger school,

so we can demolish the tired, old one.

Demolish the school? It made me what I am today.

My point exactly.

No, you can't, you got the memories, you see?

We did the nativity every year. Using real shepherds, and... Alec!

Come on, what are you getting out of all this business, eh?

A nice hotel management job, Tom's little reward, is it?

Oh, I think you're underestimating Mr Fisher's ambitions.

You have no idea.

He's gonna pay off the vicar, I'm gonna be right behind him.

What time's the planning break, Dad? Four o'clock, why?

Beautiful, dangerous Mariette. Mr big-shot developer.

I found out why my car broke down. God telling me you're dodgy?

Your Victoria tinkered with it.

No! Mm! She just admitted it.

Good mechanic, terrible liar.

Oh, sorry. But you are... controversial.

Mm. Tom Dracula here, sucking the blood from the village.

Well, you'll just have to try harder to prove we can trust you.

Good luck.

I'm off, anyhow. No, you're not.

How's your French coming along? Commey ci, commey ca.

This'll cheer you up.

Voila!

Manager of my new hotel.

The job's yours. You'd be brilliant.

You're ambitious.

Why d'you wanna be a lonely au pair when you'd be here with me,

making a difference and having fun?

You pig!

HE SNIGGERS

What'd he offer you?

This is to restore my organ. I bet it is.

Come on, Vic, don't be shy because this is important,

I'll up his offer for your vote.

£100. I'll do it in guineas.

How much is that in pounds?

A guinea's one pound and one shilling.

Call it 120 quid. 105.

HUFFS

Right, you're on board, no funny business.

Of course not.

Isn't there something in the Bible

about Jesus throwing the money men out of the temple?

Don't worry about that. That was a long time ago.

Jemima?

She's so weedy!

I'm not carrying her across that stream again.

You have to understand, we come from different backgrounds.

You wouldn't be so sure of yourselves in the city.

Just need to show a little bit of patience. And...

JAGUAR ROARS

Just taking the new Jaguar out for a spin.

I'm afraid we'd leave your old car for dust.

Right. That's it.

That's it, Bertha.

I have heard enough crap about your car.

We have a Rolls-Royce!

And do you hear us boasting about it?

CHILDREN GIGGLE

I'm not cross about your disrespect, Florence...

I'm just intrigued.

Oh, don't give me that toot.

I'll race you around the farm.

Ooh, ah, no, no, I don't that's a very good idea...

Oh, shut up, you.

If your car is so amazing, then you'll romp home.

And I'll give you a head start.

If that's what you want.

Keys, Howard. In the ignition, Bertha.

Right!

CHEERY WHISTLING

Working hard, son? You look chipper, Dad.

That's because Tom Fisher

can't get enough votes to get his building plans through.

What about that?

ENGINES ROAR What's going on?

Come on, keep up!

Stop that, you two, no! Grow up!

Is that the best you can do? Go on, the wife!

MEEKLY: Hello.

I'm a Littlechurch resident

and I believe I'm entitled to see

all planning applications filed with you?

How old are you? I beg your pardon?

Right. Right, OK.

Ooh!

No!

Oh, oh, ow, ow!

Right.

OK. Oh, gosh.

Hoo! SIGHS

HUMMING

SINGS: Oh, Mariette... REVVING, TYRES SCREECH

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh... Oh... Ow! Argh! Argh!

CAR HORN

CHARLEY YELLS

Not like this!

No, no. Oh...

Charley?

Obviously, I'd like you to keep

your change of heart quiet until the vote.

Of course we will, we're not morons.

Now, to be fair, she is.

I've only reconsidered

because I've realised that change

is the lifeblood of a vibrant community.

So it's not this?

Look, we are all human, I know I am.

OK, off you trot and vote.

This plan's for a housing estate. Shops, major roads...

In our little village!

And a massive roundabout!

No, that's a coffee mug ring. Oh, yes...

But these are just ideas, aren't they?

It won't actually happen?

I think it will if it gets through phase one.

Mr Fisher seems very well connected with our planners.

So he has to just get it through Parish Council, then he can do this?

I must take these immediately to show...

No, you can't take them with you.

ENGINES ROAR, TYRES SQUEAL

Oh, bless her. Oh!

TUTS

Ha-ha!

Don't look so worried, man. I'm praying she doesn't crash.

Bertha'll be all right, she's cut from the same tough old tree as Ma.

That's why they give the odd bark! POP CHUCKLES

The car's not actually paid for.

Phil, come and watch the big pitch, come on.

Here they come!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

BRAKES SCREECH, CHURNS CLATTER

All right, Ma?

Right, couple of lessons from this. Later, Howard.

It's only a stupid car. Hey, Howard, come here.

Come on.

Well done, Bertha.

And I'm sorry we haven't been getting on.

Me too.

What's wrong with us? I know we're different, but...

We're jealous, me and Howard.

Of what? You. This. Everything.

Oh, but you love your life. Yes, but...

..you lot are so happy.

And your kids... are what children should be like.

Oh, God forbid that's true!

Jemima's a bundle of nerves.

I wanted to bring her here

so your kids' confidence could rub off on her.

Oh, Bertha.

Pop and I worry about ours just like you do.

Whether you're ten like Jemima or 20 like Mariette,

we'll still worry about them when they're 50, God willing.

I know.

We want our kids to be strong and independent,

but we want them to need us too.

I've been on edge lately. And there's a reason why.

Mariette leaving? No, it's...

Here you go, girls.

Hey, now, look, all mended now?

Yes. Yeah, good, good.

Amazing what racing round a farm like a couple of goons can do.

Am I going loopy, or did I see Charley in the wood with a...

Indiany musical instrument?

Yeah, interesting fact about India...

Ah... Oh... Sorry...

That's boring.

Oh!

What have I done?

Where's Jemima? Don't worry about Jemima.

Our lot'll look after her, won't they, Ma?

Course. Cheers.

ALL: Cheers! All right.

Let's leave her to it.

Yeah, there's no chance she'll make it.

It took me years of falling in.

Argh!

Ooh! Hello, Tom.

You look like you think you're gonna lose the vote.

Yeah, well, it was always gonna be difficult taking on passionate

and persuasive locals like you.

Yeah, well, we'll find out later, won't we?

Yeah. Anyway, I'm here to do my bit

to stop Mariette skipping off to France.

Oh, so you won't get a shred of pleasure out of her staying, then?

Listen, I never get involved in my kids' lives,

I really, really, don't, my mum and dad, Lord love 'em,

they let me learn by my mistakes, and I made some big-uns,

including trying to cut me own hair with a lawn mower.

Ha... Look...

Getting the development approved could help Mariette stay.

You really wanna throw her out because of a... Lazy Susan?

Spreading Linda, Tom.

Yeah, I can see it in your eyes.

You're a townie, son. You've come here to build a town.

Here's a piece of advice.

Take a flask and a pie

and climb high up into that tree,

and then just look down at the unspoilt glories beneath you.

And just sit there, Tom. And enjoy them.

Where do you think your six children are gonna live when they grow up?

In magic houses built in Neverland?

There are plenty of folk who prefer towns, Tom.

My in-laws, for instance,

they get queasy at the sight of grass, you know?

Look, let's have London, let's have New York,

but let's not have 10,000 ugly dormitories

on our beautiful countryside.

Eh? So...

No hard feelings when all this is over?

Goodness, no. Good, good, yeah.

Well, as for Mariette, she's, er, gone off for the day.

Oh. Hm.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Have a good day, Tom. Yeah. You too.

I wonder who you've nobbled, you wily toe-rag.

We knew you could do it, Jemima.

See, Jem, you'd've seen them cows and run off screaming.

That's no cow! What is it?

Don't worry, it's just a male cow. So it's a bull?

Run!

Run, run, run!

Faster!

Oh, quick! Argh!

THEY ALL SIGH

LAUGHTER

Has that ever happened before? Yeah. Most weeks.

Welcome to this special meeting of the Parish Planning Committee.

Over the last few days,

we've listened to local opinion on this major decision. Hear, hear.

Can we not do the hear sodding hears?

So we can go straight to a vote on approving this exciting project

with all its heart-stopping benefits.

DOOR CLATTERS

Stop the proceedings!

BREATHLESSLY: I'm sorry, I've just run from the pick-up.

I need to bring up an important issue.

Overruled. Right, those in favour...

I support Mr Larkin on this issue. What is the issue?

Er, we need to delay the vote.

Because, erm, I don't wanna use the word "bribery", but...

There's nothing wrong with gifts. That's how local government works.

Larkin is aware of that, live by the sword,

the skill is being on the winning team.

The skill is living a good life in a place you wanna love and look after.

And that's exactly what we're voting on now.

Those in favour of Mr Fisher's

development of Bluff Court and grounds...

I don't feel very well! THUDS

GASPS

Those in favour? No, no, she's fainted. Stop the vote!

It's a rouse, we're carrying on. Those in favour...

DOOR CLATTERS

Oh! How many more of them are out there?

I stole them from the District Council,

so I'll probably go to prison.

I told you Tom wouldn't stop there.

He's a disgrace! I'll rip his pips off!

Easy, General.

The road slices through our garden.

Less weeding...

I'm being humorous.

And a bloody great roundabout around my church. Atheist scum!

No, that's a coffee mug ring. Oh, rightio. Thank you.

Well, I'm voting against now.

No! Me too. What was I thinking?

Forgive me, Vicar, for I have sinned.

Why are you telling ME? I agree.

I can't vote for this. Norma! Have you lost your mind?

Oh, Alec, it's going wrong, innit?

Good, vote rejected. BANGS GAVEL

Primrose, you're an angel.

Oh, come on, we can do better than that.

Come on! POP CHUCKLES

I don't think the countryside's only animals and muck,

and we have a lovely library and, ooh, next time,

I'll show you the Roman Museum in Canterbury.

No, thanks.

You can't leave now that we've remembered

how to talk to one another. Oh, don't worry, we'll be back.

But you must visit us in Bromley.

That fabulous new shopping centre I talked about.

With a real foun-tain!

Oh, I'm afraid we're gonna be too busy with the farming jobs, dammit.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, what about November? No, no... November...

November's the, erm...

All the leaves, Ma, you know, the leaves. Yeah.

Pop and I just don't wanna come to Bromley.

I'm sorry. Oh.

Well, we ARE quite different, aren't we?

CHUCKLING: We are.

Let's celebrate that.

CAR STARTS

Hear that? Velvety.

So, Pop, I don't know what your poison is route-wise,

but we are going A20, cutting through Sidcup,

depending on the traffic flow, of course.

And then, we're...

Is the handbrake off? No...

They're backing away.

Drive on, Howard!

REVVING

Kids, promise me you will never fall out or grow apart.

We hate each other already.

I'm gonna live in the lighthouse!

I need my own bedroom. Zinnia stinks.

Well, it was a nice idea, wasn't it?

THEY ALL CHUCKLE

So, you've been caught trying to pull a massive fast one.

Yeah, it's called enterprise.

Your little village just wasn't ready for me.

No, it was you who wasn't ready for us.

Your horizons are wider, Mariette. You know you wanna be with me.

Yeah, but I'd always be competing for your love, wouldn't I?

Who with? Yourself.

You could learn from Charley, you know?

Oh, well, you are talking like a mad woman.

I'd learn more from that horse's backside.

Oh, yeah? Who's been humiliated today, him or you?

You're never gonna leave here.

Give us a kiss.

It's the only bit of excitement you're gonna get around here.

Shut your eyes, you rude man.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS There you go, go on.

Get in!

Lovely jubbly!

CHEERING

I don't believe it!

You've set that up quite nicely for me, Pop.

Go on, Ma. Go on, go on.

THEY CHUCKLE

Cheers, Ma. Ah, cheers, darling.

KNOCK ON DOOR

He's back! Hello, Charley!

Was that you earlier near the woods? Ooh, erm...

Yeah, that might have been me. Can I speak to Mariette, please?

SHOUTS: Mariette, sweetheart? Charley wants to speak to you!

Oh, sorry.

Sorry about the spittle. We all still miss ya.

Yeah, come back and stay with us.

Please, I need to speak to Mariette.

She is the gatekeeper to my soul and my future.

Oh, why don't you talk to me like that?

Yeah, it's time I told her how I really feel.

I think she's left!

What's that? Her suitcase and passport are gone!

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