Original subtitles

I'm sorry but I'm leaving home. Where do you want to go?

I'm going to France.

Tom Fisher. You've improved the view.

Oh, hello.

Ah, Cedric Charlton,

I'm from the office of the Inspector of Taxes.

Oh, yeah!

I'm afraid that I anticipate

that you may owe a rather large sum in tax.

You need to fill out this form. Form?

A yellow one. We've sent a few. Ma, we had a form?

Never seen one. Sure we never. No. Never had no form. Ma says so.

Come in, Mr Charlton.

Come in and help yourself, please.

It's an important form.

Can a form be important, really? Mum!

Oh, thanks, Mariette.

In you come, Mr Charlton. Come on, that's it.

Help yourself to some fish and chips.

There's plenty, we buy spares.

Oh! Oh, no, no, honestly, I've eaten.

A cup of tea? Coffee?

Oh, no. No, thanks. What about a drink, then?

A bottle of beer? Oh, no...

A glass of port? Slurp of cider? No, I...

What about a cocktail? Ah, no. No, thank you.

Ah-ah! I'll do us a special. HE CHUCKLES

Erm, ah, so, right, in terms of your tax form, Mr Larkin...

Do you know anyone who wants a kitten?

No. No. Ah, sorry. As I was saying about the form...

So, do you want a kitten?

Well, my landlady doesn't allow pets, to be honest...

Oh.

Erm, should I just fill in the form for you

and then you can sign it? No, no, no, don't worry about that,

there's plenty of time. No rush at all.

There you go. I...

No, no. ..don't drink.

No, no, I insist.

Cheers.

ALL: Cheers!

HE SLURPS AND GAGS

GOOSE HONKS

Oh!

What? HONKS AGAIN

Well... that was decent.

More strawberry mousse, anyone? It's all gone.

There you go. Next up, a "Chauffeur." Oh.

That is vermouth, whiskey, gin, dribble of Angostura.

Erm... number of children?

Yep! He's a sharp one.

Oh, ah, no, sorry, what's the number of children?

QUIETLY: One, two, three, four, five, six.

Ah, six. Six. No more? Plenty of time, give us a chance.

MA LAUGHS

SHE BELCHES Oh! Manners, pardon?

PA CHUCKLES Wind all of a sudden, see?

Erm... I... I must know your income, Mr Larkin.

Well, that's a good question.

What do you get? Oh!

Erm... not much. Ha-ha.

Just give me a rough estimate.

Oh, we're lucky to clear a fiver. Hm-mm.

Fiver! I'd like to see one.

Supposing, supposing I put down an income of 500 a year...

Gorblimey! Hundred weeks in a year now, Ma.

Milk? Please.

Erm... Yeah, that's just what I need.

Oh, goodness.

Ah, Mr Charlton, drop of milk?

Eases the kidneys, opens the bowels?

Oh, God, no! No, no, no, no. No. God, no.

Look, I need to get the last train home.

You've missed it. What?

You have to stay the night. What?

Oh, I can't stay... No. I... I...

Well, I haven't got any pyjamas.

Well, I'll lend you mine. Shush now.

Perfik. We'll make up a bed for you. What about that?

And in the morning, you can persuade our Mariette to stay around.

Where are you going? France. After the summer.

Why? To see the world.

HE COUGHS

Goodness!

That is great stuff. Mm-mm!

So, ah... tax form, tax form, tax form, tax form...

You should eat something to absorb the alcohol.

Oh! Oh, no, I'm fine, I am fine. I'm fine, thank you.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

SNORING

OWL HOOTS

HE WHISTLES

Morning, Libby. Morning, Mr Larkin.

She's got a nice arse.

Your Mrs Fancy. Um... Thank you...

Mr Larkin. Edith.

Sir George.

Oh. Larkin. And why the face?

That big, old pile giving you more gip?

Well, ah... these old houses do cause one or two headaches.

Yeah. You don't even live in it, do you?

You're out there skulking in the gamekeeper's cottage.

Yes, but... That's not a home, Sir George,

it's an albatross. I'll give you a good price.

Bluff Court is not for sale.

Nonetheless, tell your missus I'll be popping over later.

But... Ah-nah!

I... Ah-ah! Ah!

Would you, please... Ah! Sir George.

I can assure you... Ah!

There is no... Ah!

She'll... HE CHUCKLES

There you are. Thanks.

What do you think of our Mr Charlton?

He talks too much about forms. Not you. Mariette.

Well, he seems sweeter than most.

He likes you, you know.

Well, there's not much point in that, is there?

With me on my way.

Hello, Ma. There's my popsicle.

Did you get that sauce?

Have I got the sauce!

Saucy. Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!

THEY SMOOCH LOUDLY

Is he up yet? No. No?

Why is he on the snooker table?

Oh, cos he said he liked the colour

and the big flatness, as everything was spinning.

Montgomery...

ready for the Straw Man race tomorrow? Yep.

Ah! I found this.

Oh, look!

Three times winners before I filled out nicely.

Oh, yeah. Mm!

CEDRIC GROANS UPSTAIRS Aye-aye.

Sounds like the taxman needs a pick-me-up.

HE WINCES

SNOOKER BALL CLINKS

HE GROANS

Wanna hand?

HE GROANS Oh, no.

No, I'm... quite capable of...

Oh! THUD

HE GROANS

CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS

'OK. Right, get up now.

'Ready?

'Ooh! Ooh!'

Oh! Oh, God!

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

'Let's just get these off.

'Huh? Erm... Ooh!'

HE SHUDDERS

Sleep all right? HE GASPS

Nice egg or two for breakfast?

Larkin special, hair of the dog?

Don't ask what's in it, don't stare at it, just drink. No?

All right, I'll have it.

Sorry, what's the time?

Cock's been up for four hours.

No! No! No! Oh, God, no.

I must make a telephone call.

Well, use our blower.

No, no, I can't, I can't, it's for official business only.

God, is there a, erm, a... a... a telephone box?!

Right, OK...

HEAVY BREATHING Thank you. Thank you...

I should be going to work, I'm sorry.

Once I get those pyjamas off you. What?

WHISPERS: Oh, my God.

HE SLURPS

Oh, God!

Mm, thank you. See ya later.

COIN CLINKS

PHONE RINGS

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

Morning! Morning, Sir.

It's, ah... it's Cedric Charlton.

I'm, ah... I'm down at the Larkin's, as requested.

I'm a... I'm afraid I'm going to be a little late in this morning.

You found some serious irregularities, I trust?

'No, not really.'

I mean, he owes some tax,

but I hardly feel it warrants any special attention...

COW MOOS Oh!

'What?'

'Sorry, sir.'

Oh, there's a... erm...

So, I will just, erm,

I will just leave the forms with Mr Larkin

and head into work immediately,

if that's all right?

No, you'll investigate him to within an inch of his life,

as I told you. Oh, really?

It's just that I have cases of major fraud

which I think warrant a little more attention.

Charlton, unless you wish to be sacked,

don't return without evidence

of criminal tax evasion by Sidney Larkin!

Yes. Yes.

Very good, sir. PHONE CLICKS

PHONE DIAL WHIRS

PHONE RINGS

CLICK Morning.

Right, my chap's down there, and we'll make sure he gets his man.

Good.

Thank you, Jeffrey.

Nice to know that persistent offenders are punished.

I recommend confiscating his farm, in lieu of taxes.

CLICK, DING

HORSE HOOVES CLOPPING

ROOSTER CROWS

Shh, shh, shh.

Oh, there you are, my little lemon drops.

Oh, Sandra, you've been very generous this morning.

Oh, Montgomery.

I hope you're not gonna be too disappointed tomorrow?

I won't be. Well, you will be,

cos you've been waiting years to be old enough

to be in this Straw Man race, and you're not gonna win.

TWINS: Wee-hee-hee! THUD

All right, twins?

Ah-ha. Mostly.

Why won't we? Well, he's got little legs.

He'll be up against Pauline's big, fit bloke

and all the other lads.

Right, now I really want to win. You need a better pram. Come on.

You'll look after him, won't you?

Can someone else be in the pram, please?

Well, there's no-one else that's old enough.

It's a Larkin pram. Needs a Larkin.

Has the taxman gone? Oh, I hope not.

He's gonna be good for Mariette. He's not French enough.

And he's too nervy. Spent too long in an office.

Sucks the life out of you.

Do we owe a lot of money in tax?

Oh! Come on...

Oh! ..let's have another go!

I think pop and me can handle Mr Charlton.

Don't you? SHE CHUCKLES

There you go. That's it.

Hello, Cedric. You all right? Mm-mm.

Do you know something? I'm not liking your name.

Oh, then, call me Mr Charlton, sir. No, no, no.

I'm not one for "mistering", either.

Yeah, no. I tell you what, I'll call you Charley.

Charley, that's better. Yeah.

I've got left-over kippers, want some?

I wouldn't. Too much wire work in kippers!

HORSE SNORTS

Hello. Hi, hello, hi.

Hi.

So, in terms of tax,

I need to look at your books immediately.

That'll be tricky, cos they're all in me head.

Erm, oh, well, I am opening an investigation, and I, ah...

Well, I warn you, it will be thorough.

So, you'll be stopping again tonight, Charley, yeah?

Lovely! Use a bed this time. Hmm.

Ah... Thank you, but I will stay in the village.

Well, I don't know what you think you'll be thoroughly investigating,

cos I'm just a simple man, Charley. You know what I mean?

Scraping a living off an unforgiving land.

Yeah, I mean, when was the last time we had a holiday?

Never even been to Margate. I hear there's a beach? Yeah?

Oh... Well, um...

Well, in absence of written figures, I will, erm...

I will accompany you on your working day

so as to properly assess your earnings. Yeah.

Righteo. You do that.

I'll tag along, if that's all right?

Hm-mm. Yeah.

I can't hear you breathing.

Oh, sorry, I... I keep forgetting to.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Come on, then.

Watch it, girls.

Are you all right? Good.

Reg.

Have you got a room for Charley here?

He's a bit nervy. Ha-ha! He is, yeah.

Works in an office. It's a nasty business.

Any pal of yours, Pop. You're a good man. Half price.

Oh! No, no, I'll pay the full price, thank you.

Blimey, someone who can afford full price.

Oh, we dream of that. Don't we, dad? Yeah. Yep.

All right, General. Who's your friend, Larkin?

Oh, he's a taxman. Salt of the earth.

Don't hold it against him. Loves a drink.

He's very nervy. Works in an office.

Mariette. Pauline.

Who have you got here? Friend of mine.

Hmm. Not bad.

Bit nervy.

I'll, um... get Charley some aspirin, pop.

Hmm. Come on.

Cheers, Reg. Huh!

Lady Rose. Oh, Mr Larkin!

My husband suggested you might be dropping in.

Yes, I want to buy your house.

So I hear. Why?!

So I can pull it down.

What a fabulous idea. Hmm.

What's it worth? Oh, seven grand. Cash.

I mean, there's enough bricks and scrap in there

to rebuild a town.

Plus, I'd share out the land a bit more fairly, like, you know?

And, well, it'll stop killing your old man, won't it?

Sadly, I can't see him ever agreeing.

Oh, he will. If you back me up.

Call it seven, five, give me the five,

and let's try to make it happen.

Now, get 'em down your throat for Mariette.

Oh, yeah, well, I have a narrow gullet, apparently, so...

It's two pills, not a whole trout.

Oh... Where's your father?

Oh, he must have been called away to help someone.

I'll fill you in about the family business.

Fancy a walk? Oh.

HE SIGHS MOUTHS: Oh, my...

So, your biggest job for the race tomorrow

is to be as light as you can.

All right, I'll just saw this arm off.

Just don't eat anything for a day.

I am not going to starve for a stupid pram race!

It's not stupid!

It's the most important event of the year!

This'll win it for us.

Hmph!

ROOSTER CROWS

It's a death trap. Hmm?

I've just seen a rat pack it's bag and move out.

It's too far gone even to rent out.

And, you've been patching up that orange heap for 50 years.

Orangerie. FRENCH ACCENT: Orangerie.

I'm still waiting for an orange! Oh!

Sir George... Hmm?

..who do you love most? Apart from the wife, of course?

Oh... the Queen.

Oh!

Erm... no, no, erm... Our daughter.

Uh... Rosemary.

And why doesn't she visit any more?

Because as soon as she arrives,

you set her to work mending something.

You see, I'd do anything to keep my family, I really would,

and selling this to me is how you can do that. Yeah?

I mean, our Mariette, she's wanting to leave home,

and, I... I promise, it is breaking our hearts.

I mean, we could auction it, George,

but it would all go in tax and commission...

Exactly! Who are you preserving it for, man?

Life's to be enjoyed. Huh?

GLASS BREAKING

Look, I ought to be with your father. Listen...

BIRDSONG

You don't hear that in your office.

No, we have Miss Randall's gravelly humming.

SHE GIGGLES

Ah!

Right, I am very sweaty.

Well, you've got to cook a pig before you can eat it.

Ah...

Oh! Sorry, it's an old country saying.

Got a load of those.

Most don't make sense.

My goodness! Right, I'm still wearing your pyjamas!

God, no wonder I'm so hot!

Well, you'll have to take them off.

Now? Good a time as any.

Oh, erm...

Erm, I...

You don't have to hide in a bush.

I saw it all last night. God!

Erm...

SHE GIGGLES

Oh! Nice bod.

You are nervy, though. Yeah, you mentioned that.

SHE GIGGLES

Could I... Could I just, erm...

You are very beautiful!

Thanks. It's luck of the draw.

I don't just sit around tossing my hair, though.

Do a proper job on the farm. Erm, I'm sure.

You need all hands to the pump.

Pop's embarrassed to say how little we make.

So, how come you're in the tax game?

Oh, well, my parents came over from Nigeria

because they loved the British sense of order and fair play,

and that includes paying your taxes.

Oh, yeah? Yep.

Yeah, they actually applied for the job for me.

I'd, ah... I'd always wanted to be a disc jockey.

Anyway, I do really need to catch up with your father

and his tax affairs.

Oh, so, come over for dinner tonight.

And don't forget my bottom. What?

Oh! Oh. SHE GIGGLES

You see, Ma, everyone wins.

Sir George gets his life back, so does his missus,

plus, she gets a bit of cash for herself.

Shot! Oh...

Oh, kisses the blue!

We earn a few bob,

plus the village gets somewhere else to have a picnic.

There's a light lunch in the billiard room, kids!

KIDS: Coming! Half down in cash, no paperwork.

Hmm. Come on, then.

MUMBLING: Oh, very good.

Hello, my little pumpkin. What you getting?

A pie. Don't forget to chew.

Hmm. Thank you. Mm...

Where'd you get the ackers? The what?

The bloody lettuce, cash, keep-up?

Erm...

I'm, ah, not at liberty to say.

Do you want to be banned from church?

I've sold Bluff Court.

At this school, we believe in the three Rs.

I can't say who... ah, who to.

Shh, shh, shh!

Yeah... I really can't say it, actually.

It's obviously Pop Larkin.

Who else could buy your house, you posh cretin?

PHONE RINGS

CLICK 'Mr Alec Norman. Good day to you.'

This is Norma, Alec. 'Yes, I recognise your voice.'

I have news.

Let's go, let's go! Come on.

That's it. Give me some room.

All right, Pop. Hello, treasure.

Old Charley boy's a sweetheart, isn't he?

Specs and all, talks nice, shows he's solid.

You got to take this serious, Dad. He could close us down.

No, never. Never.

Well, I've invited him for supper tonight.

What? You said you liked him.

But Mariette, it's like a fox in the henhouse!

I was planning on keeping him at a distance,

till I get the deal done.

Well, no, we've got to talk him through

how poor and honest we are. All right, fine,

but just tell Ma to keep supper down to one goose, then, yeah?

Right. Right.

Don't eat it all, Bessie, come on.

Saw that new Tom.

Oh, yeah? He's got tongues wagging.

Hmm. Why?

Why, what?

Why do you mention him?

Well, why wouldn't I?

PIG SNORTS

HE SIGHS

DOOR KNOCK

Yes? Mr Charlton?

Erm, yes. Hello.

Alec Norman. Concerned taxpayer.

Oh! And what concerns you?

Word is, you're from the Inland Revenue.

I've heard about a serious attempt

to circumvent our tax laws.

Ah, I'm sorry, I was just about to go out for supper, actually.

It concerns Mr Larkin. Know him?

Yes, I do.

Today, he paid several thousand pounds in cash

to secure a local mansion.

Are you sure?

He has a very large,

and if I do say them myself, attractive, family to support.

He owns a Rolls-Royce.

He said he was looking after it for a friend.

This may come as a shock,

but people like Larkin don't always tell the truth.

He's a wide boy and a leech. Well, if he is, I'll find out.

I'm taking an audit of his financial affairs.

So, where were you today when he was doing his shady deal?

Oh, I was, ah...

DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS

I was, erm...

Hello? Sorry?

I'm told you were out with Larkin's daughter, Mariette.

Oh, ah, well... Ah, was I?

You might ask yourself if she was there

to distract you from your purpose.

DOOR CLOSES

ROOSTER CROWS

Whee!

Bumps, hold on!

All right, Charley. Hello! Hello!

Oh!

Oh, no.

Ahh!

CRASH

All right?

I'm all right. Ow!

Oh, never mind you, how's the pram?

Oh, Charley boy, come in!

Mariette! Oh, we killed a goose for you.

Yeah, only the one, it's all we could afford.

Yeah, Primrose did it, she loves a bit of goose strangling.

Loves it. I'm afraid I'm not staying.

Look, I know about your purchase of the property Bluff Court.

You paid in cash, covertly, to avoid tax and charges.

Yeah, yeah, but Charley, look, if Her Majesty is prepared

to put her special face on them notes,

who are we not to use them?

And, you kept me entertained

while your father concluded his deal.

Let's talk about it inside.

Yeah, you must think I'm a complete idiot.

No. Partial, at best.

I'm returning your bottom.

Oh, no, look, wait a minute, look, Charley...

My tax investigations are not yet concluded,

so I will see you tomorrow.

Well, this is peculiar. What?

It's all gone a bit flat-chested since the taxman showed up, eh?

No thanks, Montgomery.

Why's Mr Charlton picking on us?

Fair to say, we have never rushed to pay tax.

Everyone's like you, aren't they? Why'd he come calling on us?

Good question.

Just to warn you, everyone isn't like Pop and Ma.

I'm disappointed in Mr Charlton.

Well, no, no, Mariette. He's all right.

His job's got him by the neck, is all. Eating him alive.

Yeah, but if he knew you, he wouldn't be so snotty.

Well...

I'm going for a walk.

Yeah, all right, love.

He can't treat you like this, Pop.

Anyway, moping never buttered no parsnips, did it, eh?

Victoria, nice work with the perambulator as well.

What are you doing?

Er, I told you not to eat. Before the race tomorrow.

I've got to push ya.

Monty!

Ma! Put the spuds down!

Oh, no...

No, no!

What are you doing?

How dare you?

Hey, hey, hey, Primrose, come on.

You two, pack it in, come on. Kiss and make up.

No! I'm not doing his Straw Man Race tomorrow.

I'm supposed to be the brainy Larkin, and I'll look fatuous!

You won't!

Look what?

Hmm!

Well, you have to do it. I asked everyone else.

Hmm, so good!

I'll do it. You can't, Victoria.

Babies have to be 15 and up.

Montgomery, I'll go in your pram for you.

All right? I'm as light as a feather.

And look, I can pass for a girl. Hello.

LAUGHTER

Come on, it'll be all right. Come on, tuck in.

LAUGHTER I'm gonna spill it!

Course I'll win again. Won't we, baby doll?

Eh, Pauline?!

THEY LAUGH

I need to get a new boyfriend.

Not pushing a pram tomorrow, Alec?

No. I value my dignity.

Except I heard the Larkins showed you up at the May Day Fair.

I don't know what you mean.

Montgomery Larkin did a painting,

you thought it was a Turner, and paid a fortune for it.

I take no pleasure...

HE GIGGLES ..reminding you.

SHE GIGGLES

Talk of the Devil's sister.

Evening, then, lads.

Hi.

Er... Could I take you out dancing?

Thanks, Dudley.

You've been asking me since we were eight. It's still a no.

Pauline.

Mariette.

Have you seen Mr Charlton?

Reckon he's in his room. He don't seem too happy.

He's a taxman, in't he? Where's the joy in that?

He and I had a good chat.

He's got it in for your father, hasn't he?

Looks like your family's in trouble.

What do you think you're doing?!

Me? Well, apart from anything,

you've been blabbing my pop's business around to everyone.

Alec Norman is down there gloating.

Well, no, he told me, not the other way around.

It's you who's playing me for a fool.

No, I was just protecting Dad.

Well, maybe you shouldn't. He and Ma are good people.

And you ruined supper tonight. Nobody could manage seconds.

Except Primrose and Montgomery. And Ma and the twins.

Well, you all eat and drink like lunatics,

so a night off might do you some good.

If we enjoy food and drink,

and generally spending, especially Pop,

it's because he doesn't hoard money, he enjoys sharing it around.

Well, no, no, he doesn't share it!

Where do you think the family allowances, pensions,

and sick pay come from?

From taxes paid by people other than your pop!

Argh!

Nice evening for it.

What in God's name are you doing?

Oh, this? It's... running.

Why? Erm... It's healthy.

Meditative. Beautiful.

Ah... Yes, it is.

You seem twitchy. Let me run you home.

No, I don't run.

Unless I'm escaping from a bull.

I meant in my car.

Oh... Er, thanks.

I need the fresh air, to clear my head.

I could put you on my shoulders.

I'd actually love to do that.

I bet you would.

Good night.

Precious cargo like you, I'm really unlikely to drop you.

I feel a bit funny.

Hmm. Go on, then.

Hmm? No.

The other funny. Here, in my belly.

Oh, me, too.

Might be indigestion. You hear about that, don't you?

I've never had it in my life, Ma, and I'm not starting now.

No.

Old Charlie.

He's got a point.

I don't like the way he was looking at me.

Oh, we do our bit. We can hold our heads up.

I'll take your mind off it.

Blimey, that's a first!

The whippet's usually straight out the trap.

Yeah, well, he's curled up and going nowhere.

COCKEREL CROWS

Ignore him.

All right there, sir?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Have you enjoyed your stay?

Erm... If I'm honest, no.

Oh, I bet you wish you'd only paid half price, then?

No, I don't.

Not if it meant benefiting from Mr Larkin's discount.

On second thoughts, you can't have the toast.

Good morning, Mr Charlton. Brigadier Chand.

Edith Pilchester. Miss.

We'd like some tax advice.

We pay none, and you seem to be on the warpath.

Ah, I was actually just about to leave.

But perhaps you'd like to write to me at, erm...

HE SIGHS

Shall we find a tree to sit under?

Girls, go and cheer Pop up.

BOTH: We'll get our recorders!

THEY GIGGLE

You're not local, Mr Charlton?

No, no, I live in Catford. Do you know it?

No, but it sounds charming. Delightful.

We find it very lovely here.

Yes, it is.

In so many ways.

Well, out in the British Army in India,

I said to my sister, "We should retire to an English village."

I've never regretted it.

She has, though. Oh, she hates it.

Finds it absolutely ghastly.

Ooh, so, you're here to see our wonderful Mr Larkin.

Yes, well, I... I don't share your admiration.

You don't know him.

Saved my bacon on a number of occasions.

And mine. Exceedingly generous.

And a picture of physical perfection, of course.

I'm on a small pension.

And Edith survives on very limited investments.

Yes, you seem to be living on...

A pound a week. That much?

I'm sure Catford is a lap of luxury,

but many of us in the countryside live on the breadline.

But what if you have a big expense?

Mr Larkin often kindly pays.

Also for village gymkhanas.

Barn dances. The Cheese Hoedown.

Sheep Week. Archery in the village hall, until the accident.

Pop always puts his hand in his pocket.

Yes...

My sister and some others resent him cos nobody likes to be beholden.

But he never takes advantage.

WHEELBARROW PASSES

Do stay for the Straw Man Race.

Mr Larkin pays for the beer.

HE CHUCKLES

What's this, the gathering of the poor and needy?

I trust you nailed our man, Charlton?

Your boss will want your neck, won't he?

Then you'll all be on skid row.

ENGINE ROARS, TYRES SCREECH

Perhaps I will stay.

THEY PLAY TUNELESSLY

There she blows.

Oh, that's orchestra quality, that, isn't it?

There's no stopping you two.

Oh, you're dancing as well. Lovely.

THEY CONTINUE PLAYING

Wow...

I, er... I owe you an apology.

Oh, don't be so daft.

But go on.

Well, you still have sizeable arrears.

You're not wrong. Cheeky!

And you may have to sell all or part of the farm.

But I think I understand now how you work. How's that?

You clearly give away more off your own back

than you'd ever have to pay in tax.

But who's counted?

So, the good news is

that you can actually offset your charitable donations

and reduce your year-on-year liabilities

whilst compartmentalising your emoluments.

And I can help you with that.

Ooh... Your Alec Norman obviously does not like you.

And I'm pretty sure he's told my boss to give you a hard time.

So you can call the dogs off now? No.

I still have to investigate any irregularities.

I'm sorry, it's my job.

Then get a better job.

I have thought... Hello!

Hello, Aunt Fan.

Montgomery!

Your new baby's arrived.

Sorry for lateness. I couldn't find my nappy.

Right, then. Go on, off you go.

Montgomery, remember, you're drinking squash, not beer.

And watch out for that vicar, he's a cheater.

And I don't mean that speedy leopard thing.

Come on, kids.

Come and show Aunt Fan the pram.

Aw, that's good.

I'm sorry. It's OK.

Also good.

Better and better.

SHE SIGHS

But that won't do.

This isn't you, moping around the shop.

You reckon? Nah.

Are you gonna rouse yourself and save our farm,

or carry on sitting there like a narky old goat?

And welcome to this year's Straw Man Race.

I'm Johnny Delamere.

APPLAUSE Too kind.

Oi, Vicar. The minimum baby age is 15. You're cheating.

Shut your face.

And never has the phrase "beautiful baby" been so apt.

Except in one or two cases.

What did he say?

The straw reminds me of when I played the Scarecrow

in Wizard at Woking Rec.

The Tin Man lit a fag in the wings and set fire to me.

Onto the stage I went, smouldering and burning,

until Toto, bless him, cocked his leg on me, and all was well.

Well, I hope that doesn't happen again today.

Lost your nervy fella, Mariette.

Looks like it.

And so, to recap the rules,

every straw man must visit each of the village's seven pubs,

and imbibe half a pint of ale.

Hello, Miss Pilchester. Is Mr Larkin here?

He never misses a do.

No, he's got a lot on.

On your marks, get set,

gooooooooo...

Now!

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

WHOA!

Ha! We've had an early faller!

Ah, hello, Alec.

I'm in a spot of bother. Wondered if I could have a little chinwag.

Oh, Lord, God of vengeance, shine forth!

All right, calm down!

Ah!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Yee-ha!

There we go. Come on, come on!

Well done. On your way.

Honest truth, you've got me bang to rights.

And who can blame you for ratting on me to the Inland Revenue?

It's all you deserve, frankly.

Over the years, you've treated me with an utter lack of respect.

If you say so.

And credit where it's due, you've got an old mucker in the tax office,

and you've sat on him to do what you want to do.

I wouldn't say sat on, but anyway, good luck finding all that back tax.

But, Alec, you see, you're in business, like myself.

But you blew the whistle on me, so you must be squeaky, right?

Squeaky?

Yeah, squeaky clean.

Yes, I am.

And paid the tax on everything that you should have?

Like, for instance, your housekeeper Janet?

I mean, you've paid her employment stamp, yeah? Well...

And you didn't fiddle the purchase tax

on that lovely red lady runaround you've got?

It's a high-performance sports car.

Or forget to declare the rental

on your dead mum-in-law's house in Ramsgate?

Or other bits of cash you've got coming in from this and that?

Well, you'll never know, will you?

Because you don't have access to my financial affairs.

Or do I?

Or do I?!

OR DO I?!

Yes.

Mr Alec Norman,

by the powers invested in me by Her Majesty's Revenue,

I shall look into your bank statements,

and other papers, and what not,

and we shall... We will see.

Don't be ridiculous.

All right, I will mention to your boss,

with whom, yes, I happen to have been at school with,

that I may have been hasty in suggesting that...

Let me stop you there. Listen, it was only a bit of fun.

Let me stop you there.

Because there's more important things than talking to you.

E-E-Exactly.

VOMITING

SMASH

I hope Montgomery isn't too disappointed.

CHEERING

You cheating swine!

And here they come, they've had a bit of a skinful,

so won't be making much sense.

You did it, Monty! You do care about your little brother after all.

No, I don't.

How's my girls? You all right?

Dad, where's Charlie?

Oh, no, look out!

Huh?

Oh, sorry, sorry.

VICAR'S WHEEL RATTLES Oh, no, no! Bugger!

It's so English, I could cry.

Go on, Monty! Go on, go on!

CHEERING

And we have the winner!

Nice young chap, pushing one of the older babies.

We did it! Well done!

Fantastic.

HE GROANS

Argh!

Are you hurt? Oh, no.

HE WINCES No.

I'll just deal with this broken leg later (!)

Mariette, I am so sorry.

I have brought nothing but disruption to you and your family.

We haven't made your life easy either.

Don't rush past town,

if you fancy staying with us for a while?

Yeah.

Yeah, I would love to.

Er...

CLAPPING

Well done, you Larkins.

Oh, ta. Well, with legs like yours, you'll win it next year.

Maybe with you in my pram?

Oh, sorry. Charlie, Tom.

Tom, Charlie.

Oh, hi.

Nice suit.

Oh, thank you.

Actually, I meant him over there.

Oh, right...

Heh, I...

I sense you're not very good at small talk?

No, no, I'm good at everything.

Right...

It's all a bit well-behaved this year, in't it? Hmm.

HE GULPS

Let me find an atheist to be sick on.

HE VOMITS

It's not pretty, but it is tradition.

Turned out all right today, then, Ma.

I'd say so.

Mr Charlton's joining us at home.

Is he? Primrose!

I need you to strangle another goose.

You should be proud, Primrose.

In the classical heritage,

killing what you eat is often seen as the rarest of compliments.

He's a smart one.

Is it me, Charlie, or are you looking a bit less nervy?

Someone with your nous would be quite an asset round these parts.

Larkin. Eh?

We need a word.

Right, what you got?

I'm afraid we've decided not to sell our house to you.

Your down payment.

It's all there.

So, what's all this about, then?

We've had a better offer.

Who from? Tom Fisher.

Rather than knock it down, he's turning it into a lovely hotel.

Right, then. Who's starving?

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