All language subtitles for One.Day.at.a.Time.S04E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

‐When you have a teenage boy,
you know the day will come,

and it’s only a matter of time
before someone

opens a door
that they shouldn’t

and sees someone doing something
with themselves.

‐Mm‐hmm.

‐And last night, it happened.

‐Oh, no.
You walked in on Alex.

‐No.

He walked in on me.

‐Oh!

‐♪ This is it

♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa

♪ One day at a time

‐So, Alex walked in on you
having a ménage à moi?

‐Deejaying for a party of one?

‐Very much so, yes.

‐Why didn’t you lock the door?

‐’Cause we’re not
that kind of family.

We don’t have locks on our
doors, except the front door.

We have 14 locks on that.

‐Well, you know,
this kind of sounds

like a private family issue
to me, so ‐‐

‐Yeah, nice try, Pam.

It was Friday night,
and my mom and the kids

were going to the movies.

I’d had a long week,
and I was looking forward

to having the place to myself,

because I rarely get
the place to myself.

‐You sure you don’t
want to come?

‐Oh, no. I’m tired.
You guys, go, have fun!

[ Door closes ]

So, I grabbed my wine...

...and got into bed to watch
a little "Outlander."

‐I’m sorry.
What’s "Outlander"?

‐"Outlander" is a show
about this woman

who touches a rock
and then gets sent back in time

to have sex with this super‐hot
Scottish dude to save her life.

‐Oh.
‐It’s quality television, Pam.

Culture yourself.

‐I’ve definitely enjoyed some
alone time watching "Outlander."

I mean, that accent
does it for me.

‐Doesn’t do it for me.

They all sound like Shrek.

‐Shrek can get it.

‐Rachel Maddow.

What I would do
to get into her blazers.

Sometimes, I just
picture her naked,

beating the crap
out of Mitch McConnell.

‐Anyway, I was in the room

with my door closed,

enjoying the fine...
acting...

[ Scottish music playing on TV ]

...when, unbeknownst to me, Alex
came back looking for his phone.

So he used the landline
to call it.

[ Telephone dialing ]

[ Buzzing ]

‐Aah!
‐Aah!

‐That’s not my phone!

‐I haven’t seen terror
in a man’s eyes like that

since Afghanistan.

‐You sure Alex even knows
what he saw?

Because I’ve dated
full‐grown men

who don’t know
what’s going on down there.

‐Maybe he thought you were
shaving your legs...

in the dark...
under the covers.

‐Dark? Covers?

Ha!
That would have been nice.

[ All groan ]

I know! I know!

I know.

So, now that I’ve robbed
my child of his innocence,

how do I talk to him about it?

‐Talk to him?
Are you crazy?

‐Listen, we’ve all got things
we wish we hadn’t seen.

‐Mm‐hmm, mm‐hmm.
‐Like Jill doing karaoke.

‐You’re just jealous
I can do both parts

of "Islands in the Stream"
by myself.

‐Sounds like Penelope was doing
both parts by herself.

‐But I‐I just want him to know

that there’s nothing
wrong with it.

I mean, there was
in that it was me,

but he needs to know that moms
are sexual beings, too.

‐Teenage boys never
need to know that.

‐Well, he at least needs to know
that masturbation is healthy.

‐Oh, he definitely
already knows that.

‐He’s already
really embarrassed.

Talking to him about it
is only gonna make it worse.

‐She’s right.
When I was about his age,

I walked in on
my parents having sex,

and it was incredibly traumatic.

They tried to talk to me
about it, too.

‐So, what happened?
‐I enlisted.

‐Hi, Papito.

‐Hey.

‐How’s it going
with your homework?

What are you working on?

‐Essay.
‐Mm.

Cool, cool.
Cool, cool.

You want something to eat?

‐Too soon, Mom.

‐[ Mumbles ]
Okay, Alex, we need to talk.

‐Nah. I’m good.

‐It’s not gonna make it any less
awkward by not talking about it.

‐It might. Let’s try.

‐Look, I want you to know that
what you accidentally witnessed

was a completely normal
expression of human sexuality.

‐Okay!

‐Okay, yeah. [ Grumbles ]

Well, look,
we’re back here again.

Ah.

I just want to make sure
you don’t have any questions.

Because masturbation is
a healthy, normal part of life.

‐No, it is not!

It’s a dirty, sinful habit
for sad, ugly people.

Not living, beautiful angels.

‐It wasn’t me. It was her.
‐[ Gasps ]

iQue sucia!

Did you learn that in the Army?

Because no one in our family
has ever done that.

‐Mommy, please!

Stop with the old‐school
prudishness.

It’s natural.

‐Maybe for men,
because they are animals

who cannot help themselves.

But women ‐‐
women are civilized.

We are mothers.

We do not put the hand that
wipes the tears of our child

down the front of our bloomens.

‐What you guys talking about?

‐The completely normal act
of female self‐pleasure.

‐Oh, can I tag in?

‐Can I tag out?

‐No, no, no, no, no, no.

I have been reading
a lot about ‐‐
‐Please.

I don’t need more information.
‐Well, no.

There are real health benefits
from self‐gratification,

particularly for women,
like reduced stress

and pain relief
from menstrual cramps
and improved cognition.

‐iQue tontería!

Sex is between people
who are married.

It is Adam and Eve,
not Bzzzz and Eve.

‐Abuelita, are you saying that
you, of all people, never...

opened the curtains?
‐Oh!

‐No! Please don’t answer!

I will literally
give each of you $20

to stop talking about this.

This is not
a normal conversation.

This family needs boundaries.

‐Boundaries?
What do you mean boundaries?

Boundaries are for white people.

Next thing you know,
we’re eating Lunchables

in separate rooms,
and Grandmama lives in a home.

‐Ay, no.

‐Listen, I’m trying
to make you understand

that this is nothing you should
ever feel ashamed about.

‐No, no, no, no, no!

Shame is good for you.

You should be proud
of your shame.

‐I already said I don’t want
to talk about this with you.

I need my privacy.
‐Oh, that’s cute.

Yeah, there’s no such thing
as privacy from your mother.

I made you.
Your life is my life.

I am you.

‐And I am her, so I am also you.

‐What about me?

‐You’re kind of your own thing.

But your mommy is right.

In this family,
we talk about everything.

There are no boundaries.
There are no secrets. Y ya.

This is a secret.

And if you tell anyone
about this date,

I will deny everything.

‐Um, while you
are beautiful...

‐[ Laughs ]

‐...you look nothing
like your profile picture...

Penelope.

‐Oh, you caught me!

That was not me in the picture.

And this is not a date.
It is an interview.

‐An interview?

‐Yes. To see if you are
a worthy suitor

to date my daughter, Penelope,

who is the smoke show
in those pictures.

So, it says here
you majored in engineering.

‐Y‐Yes.
With a minor in theater.

‐I love the theater.

But there’s no money in it, so
I have to dock you some points.

So, you will love Penelope.

She is smart and kind and funny.

But, recently, she has been
touching herself,

which is why I am here.

I know.
I was shocked myself.

But I realized she must be doing
that because she is very lonely.

And I want my daughter
to find happiness.

‐Oh.
Well, when you put it like that,

it’s actually very sweet.

I’m close to my mom, too.

We talk every day.

‐Every day?

You are now my top contender.

So, for the win, tell me ‐‐
who is your favorite pope?

There is a right answer.

[ Humming
"Here Comes the Bride" ]

Oh!

‐I want to talk to you
about the female orgasm.

Abuelita, I want
to share this book

on self‐exploration with you.

It’s called
"I’ll Have What I’m Having."

It will help you find pleasure.

‐You’re right.
That was very pleasurable.

‐Oy!

‐iAy, que bueno!

You are home!

You have a date.

His name is Danny.
And he is Catholic.

And he is an engineer.
And he is Catholic.

‐What are you talking about?

‐Well, I realize that
if you were not lonely,

you would not have to do...

Hmm?

So, I, um ‐‐
¿como se dice? ‐‐ catfish.

I made you a profile on Tinder.

‐Okay, my whole face
just went numb.

How could you do this?!

‐Well, I simply
broke into your phone,

e‐mailed myself photos of you,
and ‐‐ teeky‐tocky ‐‐

I found you a man.

‐Let me see the profile.

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Under bio, it says,
"Lonely Catholic nurse

seeks big, strong man
to fill the hole in her life"?

‐Abuelita, you might
want to reword that.

‐You put my measurements
on here?

‐Of course.
With your perfect ratios,

why bury the lede?

‐How did you even get them?
‐You are a very sound sleeper.

It’s also on your profile.

‐¿Que tal, Lydia?
How did the date with Danny go?

Did he say Pope Francis?

‐Of course you were
a part of this.

‐Um, yeah.

We’re all very concerned.

Actually, you should be glad
I helped her.

The first profile she set up
was on Craigslist...

under "free stuff."

‐Oh, dear God.

Mommy, Mommy,
you need to back way up.

What I do in my room, behind
closed doors, is my business.

Who I choose to date
is my business.

And I don’t want you meddling.
I have a right to my privacy.

‐Oh!

Interesting twist.

I thought you said there was
no such thing as privacy

from your own mother.

‐I’m an adult, son!

And you do me a favor, Mommy.
You stay out of my love life.

‐Fine! It should be easy

to stay out of something
that doesn’t exist.

And while I’m at it,
I’ll also stay out of Hogwarts.

‐You know, maybe Alex is right.
‐I am?

‐Yeah, maybe. Maybe this family
does need boundaries.

We clearly have no idea
how to respect each other’s
personal space.

‐I don’t understand
what you are saying.

Should I tell Danny 7:30?
‐Oh, no!

No! Oh!

Okay, you don’t respect
my feelings.

You don’t respect my privacy.

This is not normal.

‐What is not normal
is making love to a robot.

‐It’s not a robot.
It’s a personal massager.
‐Okay, you know what?

I’m just gonna go over to
Schneider’s, probably forever.

Come on, Schneider.
‐I’ll catch up with you later.

I’m pretty invested in this.

‐Okay, from now on,
we knock on doors,

we don’t over‐share,
and we don’t meddle.

‐Lupita, you are being
too sensitive.

All I am saying is that
I cannot be

a mother‐in‐law to a dustbuster.

‐Well, guess what.

If I did marry my vibrator,
you would not be invited.

‐Then I could get an invite
from the groom

and sit on his side
of the chapel

with all the blenders
and air fryers.

‐Good morning, Mommy.
How’d you sleep?

‐I don’t see how that is
any of your business.

In fact, I want you
to respect my privacy,

no matter what happens.

‐Okay.

‐Oh, I am so tired.

I barely slept last night.

‐You caught me leaving Lydia’s
bedroom in my post‐coital glow.

‐I know you have a lot of
questions, but, obviously,

I cannot answer any of them
porque boundaries.

‐Well, if the world’s worst
breakfast theater is over,

I’m gonna go to work.

Can I get a ride, Dr. B?

‐I would, but your mom promised
to make me breakfast

if I came over in my bathrobe
looking like a snack.

‐Breakfast is for closers,
Leslie.

‐How many dating accounts
did you and my mom set up?

I’m getting e‐mails
from ScottishHotties.com.

‐I watch "Outlander."
I know what you like.

‐This has gotten out of hand.

‐Kind of how it started, right?

‐My mom is out of control.

I told her we need boundaries,
and now she’s down there

starring in a telenovela,
"La Mamá de la Sucia."

‐But didn’t you
bring this on yourself?

You keep changing the rules
about boundaries.

‐No.
The rules are very simple.

No boundaries
between me and my son.

Yes boundaries
between me and my mom.

‐But isn’t that
kind of hypocritical?

‐No. He’s my baby.

I can’t leave him to deal
with all this stuff by himself.

I’m his mother.
‐Sure, sure, sure, sure,

sure, sure, sure, sure.

But Lydia is your mother.
Oh, my God!

You guys are basically
doing the same thing.

That is adorable!

‐No. No!

I’m a grown woman, and she needs
to stop mothering me now.

‐Oh, okay. So I guess
there’s gonna be a time

when you stop mothering Alex?

when you stop mothering Alex?

‐Damn it, Schneider.

‐Not now, Angus!

‐Yes, Leslie?

Well, I hope it’s nothing,
but I am late.

‐Mommy, that’s the remote.

‐Well, if anyone knows
their electric handheld devices,

it’s you.

‐Oh, my God.

Will you stop...

so I can apologize to you?

‐Apologize? Oh!

I’m listening.

‐I get it. I understand
when you meddle in my life ‐‐

or steal my identity
and offer me up

like a used couch
on the Internet ‐‐

it’s because you love me.

‐Ay, Lupita.

I would do anything
for your happiness.

‐Thank you.

So, I guess we’re back
to no boundaries.

Although, I am gonna put a lock
on the door,

if only to save Alex
from further trauma.

‐That’s literally all I wanted.

Of course, now when the door
is locked,

I’ll know
what’s happening in there.

And that’s its own
special kind of scarring.

‐There is nothing scarring
about a woman

taking care of her needs.
‐You weren’t there!

‐Look, being
in each other’s business

is a small price to pay
for being as close as we are.

And in order to stay close,
we have to be close.

And that’s a trade‐off
I’m okay with.

‐I am so happy!

But I wish you had come
to your senses earlier.

I ran into the most perfect man
in the grocery store.

But because you told me
to stay out of your love life,

I said nothing.

[ Knock on door ]
Or did I?

‐Wow!

[ Chuckles ] W‐W‐Why?

Why am I even surprised?

O‐Of course you had no intention

to ever respect
those boundaries.

‐Hello.

‐Hi, Max.
What are you doing here?

I thought you were in Indonesia.
‐Yeah, I’m back.

They have these things
called airplanes.

Yeah.

‐So, I, uh ‐‐ I ran into
your mom at the grocery store.

And she over‐shared
about a lot of things.

But, in the end,
she said that you missed me.

So, do you?

’Cause I sure do miss
the hell out of you, kid.

‐Hey, Pen, I got those
double‐"A" batteries
you asked for.

Oh, my God!
Max?! You’re back?!

[ Grunts ]
Buddy, I missed you so much!

Yes, yes, yes!
Exactly!

♪

♪