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1
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:06,406
‐When you have a teenage boy,
you know the day will come,
2
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,610
and it’s only a matter of time
before someone
3
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:12,013
opens a door
that they shouldn’t
4
00:00:12,045 --> 00:00:16,115
and sees someone doing something
with themselves.
5
00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:18,319
‐Mm‐hmm.
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,752
‐And last night, it happened.
7
00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:23,917
‐Oh, no.
You walked in on Alex.
8
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,402
‐No.
9
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,367
He walked in on me.
10
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:40,205
‐Oh!
11
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,010
‐♪ This is it
12
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,542
♪ Oh, oh, oh, whoa
13
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,207
♪ One day at a time
14
00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:49,515
‐So, Alex walked in on you
having a ménage à moi?
15
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:52,450
‐Deejaying for a party of one?
16
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,286
‐Very much so, yes.
17
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:55,661
‐Why didn’t you lock the door?
18
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,389
‐’Cause we’re not
that kind of family.
19
00:00:57,424 --> 00:00:59,494
We don’t have locks on our
doors, except the front door.
20
00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:01,726
We have 14 locks on that.
21
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:03,662
‐Well, you know,
this kind of sounds
22
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,397
like a private family issue
to me, so ‐‐
23
00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:08,902
‐Yeah, nice try, Pam.
24
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,796
It was Friday night,
and my mom and the kids
25
00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:12,237
were going to the movies.
26
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:14,042
I’d had a long week,
and I was looking forward
27
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,484
to having the place to myself,
28
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,809
because I rarely get
the place to myself.
29
00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,314
‐You sure you don’t
want to come?
30
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:22,476
‐Oh, no. I’m tired.
You guys, go, have fun!
31
00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:27,222
[ Door closes ]
32
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,424
So, I grabbed my wine...
33
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:34,885
...and got into bed to watch
a little "Outlander."
34
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:40,168
‐I’m sorry.
What’s "Outlander"?
35
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,440
‐"Outlander" is a show
about this woman
36
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:44,939
who touches a rock
and then gets sent back in time
37
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,942
to have sex with this super‐hot
Scottish dude to save her life.
38
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:51,185
‐Oh.
‐It’s quality television, Pam.
39
00:01:51,211 --> 00:01:52,951
Culture yourself.
40
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:57,550
‐I’ve definitely enjoyed some
alone time watching "Outlander."
41
00:01:57,584 --> 00:02:00,294
I mean, that accent
does it for me.
42
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,190
‐Doesn’t do it for me.
43
00:02:02,222 --> 00:02:05,432
They all sound like Shrek.
44
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,829
‐Shrek can get it.
45
00:02:09,496 --> 00:02:13,066
‐Rachel Maddow.
46
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:17,200
What I would do
to get into her blazers.
47
00:02:17,237 --> 00:02:19,607
Sometimes, I just
picture her naked,
48
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,010
beating the crap
out of Mitch McConnell.
49
00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:28,446
‐Anyway, I was in the room
50
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,822
with my door closed,
51
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,751
enjoying the fine...
acting...
52
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:36,357
[ Scottish music playing on TV ]
53
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:44,295
...when, unbeknownst to me, Alex
came back looking for his phone.
54
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:46,671
So he used the landline
to call it.
55
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,570
[ Telephone dialing ]
56
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,708
[ Buzzing ]
57
00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:05,753
‐Aah!
‐Aah!
58
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,646
‐That’s not my phone!
59
00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:17,961
‐I haven’t seen terror
in a man’s eyes like that
60
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:20,498
since Afghanistan.
61
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,804
‐You sure Alex even knows
what he saw?
62
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,666
Because I’ve dated
full‐grown men
63
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,175
who don’t know
what’s going on down there.
64
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,637
‐Maybe he thought you were
shaving your legs...
65
00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:33,347
in the dark...
under the covers.
66
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,220
‐Dark? Covers?
67
00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:38,549
Ha!
That would have been nice.
68
00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:39,815
[ All groan ]
69
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,963
I know! I know!
70
00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:44,218
I know.
71
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,487
So, now that I’ve robbed
my child of his innocence,
72
00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:47,986
how do I talk to him about it?
73
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:51,028
‐Talk to him?
Are you crazy?
74
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:54,034
‐Listen, we’ve all got things
we wish we hadn’t seen.
75
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:58,037
‐Mm‐hmm, mm‐hmm.
‐Like Jill doing karaoke.
76
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,341
‐You’re just jealous
I can do both parts
77
00:04:00,373 --> 00:04:03,013
of "Islands in the Stream"
by myself.
78
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:07,253
‐Sounds like Penelope was doing
both parts by herself.
79
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,820
‐But I‐I just want him to know
80
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,549
that there’s nothing
wrong with it.
81
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,324
I mean, there was
in that it was me,
82
00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:16,193
but he needs to know that moms
are sexual beings, too.
83
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:19,363
‐Teenage boys never
need to know that.
84
00:04:19,392 --> 00:04:21,932
‐Well, he at least needs to know
that masturbation is healthy.
85
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:25,232
‐Oh, he definitely
already knows that.
86
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,925
‐He’s already
really embarrassed.
87
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,367
Talking to him about it
is only gonna make it worse.
88
00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:31,402
‐She’s right.
When I was about his age,
89
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,168
I walked in on
my parents having sex,
90
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:34,666
and it was incredibly traumatic.
91
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,178
They tried to talk to me
about it, too.
92
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,309
‐So, what happened?
‐I enlisted.
93
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,960
‐Hi, Papito.
94
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,094
‐Hey.
95
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,259
‐How’s it going
with your homework?
96
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,227
What are you working on?
97
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,466
‐Essay.
‐Mm.
98
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,541
Cool, cool.
Cool, cool.
99
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,372
You want something to eat?
100
00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:16,684
‐Too soon, Mom.
101
00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:21,088
‐[ Mumbles ]
Okay, Alex, we need to talk.
102
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,161
‐Nah. I’m good.
103
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:26,730
‐It’s not gonna make it any less
awkward by not talking about it.
104
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,600
‐It might. Let’s try.
105
00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:32,669
‐Look, I want you to know that
what you accidentally witnessed
106
00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:35,939
was a completely normal
expression of human sexuality.
107
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:37,439
‐Okay!
108
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:39,640
‐Okay, yeah. [ Grumbles ]
109
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,313
Well, look,
we’re back here again.
110
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,642
Ah.
111
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:48,378
I just want to make sure
you don’t have any questions.
112
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:56,965
Because masturbation is
a healthy, normal part of life.
113
00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:59,030
‐No, it is not!
114
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:13,768
It’s a dirty, sinful habit
for sad, ugly people.
115
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:17,437
Not living, beautiful angels.
116
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:20,177
‐It wasn’t me. It was her.
‐[ Gasps ]
117
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:26,149
iQue sucia!
118
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:28,986
Did you learn that in the Army?
119
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:32,132
Because no one in our family
has ever done that.
120
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:33,858
‐Mommy, please!
121
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,004
Stop with the old‐school
prudishness.
122
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,329
It’s natural.
123
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:39,474
‐Maybe for men,
because they are animals
124
00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:42,799
who cannot help themselves.
125
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,806
But women ‐‐
women are civilized.
126
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,539
We are mothers.
127
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:50,184
We do not put the hand that
wipes the tears of our child
128
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:52,750
down the front of our bloomens.
129
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:59,019
‐What you guys talking about?
130
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:02,922
‐The completely normal act
of female self‐pleasure.
131
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:05,826
‐Oh, can I tag in?
132
00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:08,029
‐Can I tag out?
133
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,561
‐No, no, no, no, no, no.
134
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:12,026
I have been reading
a lot about ‐‐
‐Please.
135
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:14,935
I don’t need more information.
‐Well, no.
136
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,368
There are real health benefits
from self‐gratification,
137
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:20,244
particularly for women,
like reduced stress
138
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,943
and pain relief
from menstrual cramps
and improved cognition.
139
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,606
‐iQue tontería!
140
00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:28,775
Sex is between people
who are married.
141
00:07:28,815 --> 00:07:32,685
It is Adam and Eve,
not Bzzzz and Eve.
142
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:45,034
‐Abuelita, are you saying that
you, of all people, never...
143
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,205
opened the curtains?
‐Oh!
144
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:52,866
‐No! Please don’t answer!
145
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,436
I will literally
give each of you $20
146
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,405
to stop talking about this.
147
00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:59,084
This is not
a normal conversation.
148
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,582
This family needs boundaries.
149
00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:01,813
‐Boundaries?
What do you mean boundaries?
150
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:04,578
Boundaries are for white people.
151
00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:06,147
Next thing you know,
we’re eating Lunchables
152
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,416
in separate rooms,
and Grandmama lives in a home.
153
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,325
‐Ay, no.
154
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:11,987
‐Listen, I’m trying
to make you understand
155
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,395
that this is nothing you should
ever feel ashamed about.
156
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:16,297
‐No, no, no, no, no!
157
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,829
Shame is good for you.
158
00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:21,395
You should be proud
of your shame.
159
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:23,574
‐I already said I don’t want
to talk about this with you.
160
00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:26,773
I need my privacy.
‐Oh, that’s cute.
161
00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:29,636
Yeah, there’s no such thing
as privacy from your mother.
162
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,936
I made you.
Your life is my life.
163
00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:34,008
I am you.
164
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:37,017
‐And I am her, so I am also you.
165
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,790
‐What about me?
166
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:43,159
‐You’re kind of your own thing.
167
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,189
But your mommy is right.
168
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,965
In this family,
we talk about everything.
169
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:51,804
There are no boundaries.
There are no secrets. Y ya.
170
00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:54,101
This is a secret.
171
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:59,272
And if you tell anyone
about this date,
172
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:01,505
I will deny everything.
173
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:08,048
‐Um, while you
are beautiful...
174
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:10,781
‐[ Laughs ]
175
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:14,147
‐...you look nothing
like your profile picture...
176
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,717
Penelope.
177
00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:19,386
‐Oh, you caught me!
178
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,986
That was not me in the picture.
179
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:24,698
And this is not a date.
It is an interview.
180
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,901
‐An interview?
181
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,673
‐Yes. To see if you are
a worthy suitor
182
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,302
to date my daughter, Penelope,
183
00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:36,307
who is the smoke show
in those pictures.
184
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:41,482
So, it says here
you majored in engineering.
185
00:09:41,514 --> 00:09:44,884
‐Y‐Yes.
With a minor in theater.
186
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,248
‐I love the theater.
187
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:50,417
But there’s no money in it, so
I have to dock you some points.
188
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:55,859
So, you will love Penelope.
189
00:09:55,895 --> 00:09:59,725
She is smart and kind and funny.
190
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,436
But, recently, she has been
touching herself,
191
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,639
which is why I am here.
192
00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:09,739
I know.
I was shocked myself.
193
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:14,876
But I realized she must be doing
that because she is very lonely.
194
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:17,424
And I want my daughter
to find happiness.
195
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,050
‐Oh.
Well, when you put it like that,
196
00:10:20,086 --> 00:10:22,786
it’s actually very sweet.
197
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:25,292
I’m close to my mom, too.
198
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,735
We talk every day.
199
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,760
‐Every day?
200
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,672
You are now my top contender.
201
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:48,551
So, for the win, tell me ‐‐
who is your favorite pope?
202
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:51,651
There is a right answer.
203
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:59,064
[ Humming
"Here Comes the Bride" ]
204
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,962
Oh!
205
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,832
‐I want to talk to you
about the female orgasm.
206
00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:12,466
Abuelita, I want
to share this book
207
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,735
on self‐exploration with you.
208
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:17,714
It’s called
"I’ll Have What I’m Having."
209
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,523
It will help you find pleasure.
210
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,694
‐You’re right.
That was very pleasurable.
211
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:32,933
‐Oy!
212
00:11:32,959 --> 00:11:35,259
‐iAy, que bueno!
213
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,505
You are home!
214
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,530
You have a date.
215
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:42,866
His name is Danny.
And he is Catholic.
216
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:46,172
And he is an engineer.
And he is Catholic.
217
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,710
‐What are you talking about?
218
00:11:49,742 --> 00:11:53,552
‐Well, I realize that
if you were not lonely,
219
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:56,780
you would not have to do...
220
00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:58,616
Hmm?
221
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:03,361
So, I, um ‐‐
¿como se dice? ‐‐ catfish.
222
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:07,689
I made you a profile on Tinder.
223
00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:11,962
‐Okay, my whole face
just went numb.
224
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,203
How could you do this?!
225
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,845
‐Well, I simply
broke into your phone,
226
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:20,870
e‐mailed myself photos of you,
and ‐‐ teeky‐tocky ‐‐
227
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,337
I found you a man.
228
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:25,876
‐Let me see the profile.
229
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:29,082
Oh, God. Oh, God!
230
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:31,915
Under bio, it says,
"Lonely Catholic nurse
231
00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:34,991
seeks big, strong man
to fill the hole in her life"?
232
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:41,087
‐Abuelita, you might
want to reword that.
233
00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:43,497
‐You put my measurements
on here?
234
00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:45,699
‐Of course.
With your perfect ratios,
235
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:48,202
why bury the lede?
236
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:52,144
‐How did you even get them?
‐You are a very sound sleeper.
237
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:56,237
It’s also on your profile.
238
00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:01,008
‐¿Que tal, Lydia?
How did the date with Danny go?
239
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,617
Did he say Pope Francis?
240
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,890
‐Of course you were
a part of this.
241
00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:07,188
‐Um, yeah.
242
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,620
We’re all very concerned.
243
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,256
Actually, you should be glad
I helped her.
244
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:14,931
The first profile she set up
was on Craigslist...
245
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,961
under "free stuff."
246
00:13:16,996 --> 00:13:19,026
‐Oh, dear God.
247
00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:22,235
Mommy, Mommy,
you need to back way up.
248
00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:25,638
What I do in my room, behind
closed doors, is my business.
249
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:28,072
Who I choose to date
is my business.
250
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:30,907
And I don’t want you meddling.
I have a right to my privacy.
251
00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:33,113
‐Oh!
252
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:37,620
Interesting twist.
253
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,120
I thought you said there was
no such thing as privacy
254
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,423
from your own mother.
255
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,495
‐I’m an adult, son!
256
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,559
And you do me a favor, Mommy.
You stay out of my love life.
257
00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:51,155
‐Fine! It should be easy
258
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:54,767
to stay out of something
that doesn’t exist.
259
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:58,841
And while I’m at it,
I’ll also stay out of Hogwarts.
260
00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:01,441
‐You know, maybe Alex is right.
‐I am?
261
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:04,514
‐Yeah, maybe. Maybe this family
does need boundaries.
262
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:07,684
We clearly have no idea
how to respect each other’s
personal space.
263
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,824
‐I don’t understand
what you are saying.
264
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,949
Should I tell Danny 7:30?
‐Oh, no!
265
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,954
No! Oh!
266
00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:16,816
Okay, you don’t respect
my feelings.
267
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,756
You don’t respect my privacy.
268
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,361
This is not normal.
269
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:24,533
‐What is not normal
is making love to a robot.
270
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:27,634
‐It’s not a robot.
It’s a personal massager.
‐Okay, you know what?
271
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:31,437
I’m just gonna go over to
Schneider’s, probably forever.
272
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,711
Come on, Schneider.
‐I’ll catch up with you later.
273
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:37,340
I’m pretty invested in this.
274
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,447
‐Okay, from now on,
we knock on doors,
275
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,850
we don’t over‐share,
and we don’t meddle.
276
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,022
‐Lupita, you are being
too sensitive.
277
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,822
All I am saying is that
I cannot be
278
00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:52,195
a mother‐in‐law to a dustbuster.
279
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,465
‐Well, guess what.
280
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:59,304
If I did marry my vibrator,
you would not be invited.
281
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,632
‐Then I could get an invite
from the groom
282
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,667
and sit on his side
of the chapel
283
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:06,372
with all the blenders
and air fryers.
284
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:14,612
‐Good morning, Mommy.
How’d you sleep?
285
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:19,077
‐I don’t see how that is
any of your business.
286
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:22,718
In fact, I want you
to respect my privacy,
287
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:26,455
no matter what happens.
288
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:28,262
‐Okay.
289
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:31,004
‐Oh, I am so tired.
290
00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:33,530
I barely slept last night.
291
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:42,880
‐You caught me leaving Lydia’s
bedroom in my post‐coital glow.
292
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:48,485
‐I know you have a lot of
questions, but, obviously,
293
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:53,994
I cannot answer any of them
porque boundaries.
294
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:56,820
‐Well, if the world’s worst
breakfast theater is over,
295
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,286
I’m gonna go to work.
296
00:15:58,324 --> 00:15:59,964
Can I get a ride, Dr. B?
297
00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:02,392
‐I would, but your mom promised
to make me breakfast
298
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:07,298
if I came over in my bathrobe
looking like a snack.
299
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:10,373
‐Breakfast is for closers,
Leslie.
300
00:16:12,338 --> 00:16:14,838
‐How many dating accounts
did you and my mom set up?
301
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:18,444
I’m getting e‐mails
from ScottishHotties.com.
302
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:21,348
‐I watch "Outlander."
I know what you like.
303
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,180
‐This has gotten out of hand.
304
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,516
‐Kind of how it started, right?
305
00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:29,356
‐My mom is out of control.
306
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:31,588
I told her we need boundaries,
and now she’s down there
307
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:35,094
starring in a telenovela,
"La Mamá de la Sucia."
308
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:36,997
‐But didn’t you
bring this on yourself?
309
00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:39,599
You keep changing the rules
about boundaries.
310
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:42,472
‐No.
The rules are very simple.
311
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,702
No boundaries
between me and my son.
312
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,367
Yes boundaries
between me and my mom.
313
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:49,636
‐But isn’t that
kind of hypocritical?
314
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,375
‐No. He’s my baby.
315
00:16:52,411 --> 00:16:54,551
I can’t leave him to deal
with all this stuff by himself.
316
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,320
I’m his mother.
‐Sure, sure, sure, sure,
317
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:59,549
sure, sure, sure, sure.
318
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:01,615
But Lydia is your mother.
Oh, my God!
319
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:04,024
You guys are basically
doing the same thing.
320
00:17:04,056 --> 00:17:07,786
That is adorable!
321
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:11,227
‐No. No!
322
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:14,234
I’m a grown woman, and she needs
to stop mothering me now.
323
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:17,167
‐Oh, okay. So I guess
there’s gonna be a time
324
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,743
when you stop mothering Alex?
325
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:20,272
when you stop mothering Alex?
326
00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:22,366
‐Damn it, Schneider.
327
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,905
‐Not now, Angus!
328
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:36,760
‐Yes, Leslie?
329
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:42,260
Well, I hope it’s nothing,
but I am late.
330
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,604
‐Mommy, that’s the remote.
331
00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:52,038
‐Well, if anyone knows
their electric handheld devices,
332
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,941
it’s you.
333
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:58,042
‐Oh, my God.
334
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,447
Will you stop...
335
00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:02,509
so I can apologize to you?
336
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,878
‐Apologize? Oh!
337
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,587
I’m listening.
338
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:11,590
‐I get it. I understand
when you meddle in my life ‐‐
339
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,794
or steal my identity
and offer me up
340
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:16,556
like a used couch
on the Internet ‐‐
341
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:19,226
it’s because you love me.
342
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,805
‐Ay, Lupita.
343
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:24,873
I would do anything
for your happiness.
344
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:27,474
‐Thank you.
345
00:18:27,506 --> 00:18:31,736
So, I guess we’re back
to no boundaries.
346
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,807
Although, I am gonna put a lock
on the door,
347
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:36,646
if only to save Alex
from further trauma.
348
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:38,782
‐That’s literally all I wanted.
349
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:41,288
Of course, now when the door
is locked,
350
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,260
I’ll know
what’s happening in there.
351
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:47,160
And that’s its own
special kind of scarring.
352
00:18:47,193 --> 00:18:49,333
‐There is nothing scarring
about a woman
353
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:52,402
taking care of her needs.
‐You weren’t there!
354
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:55,401
‐Look, being
in each other’s business
355
00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:58,774
is a small price to pay
for being as close as we are.
356
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:02,014
And in order to stay close,
we have to be close.
357
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:04,141
And that’s a trade‐off
I’m okay with.
358
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:06,176
‐I am so happy!
359
00:19:06,212 --> 00:19:09,312
But I wish you had come
to your senses earlier.
360
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:14,818
I ran into the most perfect man
in the grocery store.
361
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,624
But because you told me
to stay out of your love life,
362
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,627
I said nothing.
363
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,059
[ Knock on door ]
Or did I?
364
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,304
‐Wow!
365
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,102
[ Chuckles ] W‐W‐Why?
366
00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,044
Why am I even surprised?
367
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:32,599
O‐Of course you had no intention
368
00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:35,068
to ever respect
those boundaries.
369
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,975
‐Hello.
370
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,384
‐Hi, Max.
What are you doing here?
371
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,847
I thought you were in Indonesia.
‐Yeah, I’m back.
372
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:49,086
They have these things
called airplanes.
373
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:54,534
Yeah.
374
00:19:54,560 --> 00:20:00,530
‐So, I, uh ‐‐ I ran into
your mom at the grocery store.
375
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:03,136
And she over‐shared
about a lot of things.
376
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:11,741
But, in the end,
she said that you missed me.
377
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:16,719
So, do you?
378
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:19,349
’Cause I sure do miss
the hell out of you, kid.
379
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:39,275
‐Hey, Pen, I got those
double‐"A" batteries
you asked for.
380
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:43,115
Oh, my God!
Max?! You’re back?!
381
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:47,452
[ Grunts ]
Buddy, I missed you so much!
382
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,820
Yes, yes, yes!
Exactly!
383
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:59,829
♪
384
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:07,899
♪
27496
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