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1
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:10,930
Aw.
2
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,932
The day every mother dreams of,
3
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,354
when her daughter grows a vampire head.
4
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,346
Hi, Ms. Alvarez.
5
00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:22,436
We were working really hard
on our immigration project for school,
6
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:23,572
so we took a little power nap.
7
00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:26,319
Oh, 9:00 to 3:00 workday
getting you down?
8
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,861
Yeah. I take power naps, too.
It's called blinking.
9
00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:31,277
[snores and gasps] I'm so refreshed.
10
00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:35,365
-Oh, can Carmen stay for dinner?
-Of course.
11
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:36,872
Thanks, Ms. Alvarez.
12
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:39,830
Carmen's staying for dinner.
13
00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:42,495
[Lydia] It's okay.
Schneider is staying, too.
14
00:00:42,585 --> 00:00:43,585
See? We take in all strays.
15
00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:45,339
Except for cats.
16
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,800
They steal your breath
and turn you into a cucuy.
17
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,969
Let's be happy Elena
finally has a real friend,
18
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,514
you know,
and not someone from the Internet
19
00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:57,638
who'd probably end up
being a 35-year-old man.
20
00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,305
Under all that makeup, who knows?
21
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,481
Mami, I am serious, okay?
22
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,823
Carmen gets straight A's.
All they do is study.
23
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,568
Pero still, that friendship
24
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:09,900
is a little bit, eh, cómo se dice?
Intense.
25
00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:13,123
They're teenage girls.
26
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:16,988
Yeah, but no, no, no. I think
there's something a little bit, uh, queer.
27
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,827
[laughs] What? I don't even think
you know what that word means.
28
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:21,924
Oh, I know.
29
00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,129
You said the same thing
about me and Kathy Trecker,
30
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:27,419
because we started sharing clothes
and we both wanted to marry Ricky Martin?
31
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:28,764
See? Queer.
32
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:34,429
You know what? You got us.
Kathy, come out of the bedroom!
33
00:01:35,638 --> 00:01:36,758
[laughs sarcastically]
34
00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:40,137
-[chuckles]
-Look at you. In a good mood, huh?
35
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,385
[chuckles] It's the drugs, isn't it?
36
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:46,147
Definitely.
37
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:49,991
But also, Dr. Berkowitz's birthday party.
I got it all planned out.
38
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:53,364
Apparently, last year,
he ended up at Medieval Times by himself.
39
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:54,656
Oh.
40
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,660
He went to pet a horse and got bit.
41
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,540
[both laughing]
42
00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:05,287
Pobrecito.
43
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:09,500
So I got Scott and Lori
to get balloons and a cake.
44
00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:10,797
So, I got everything covered.
45
00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:15,049
Glad you're here.
It's baseball fundraiser time again.
46
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,545
Abuelita, these are for you
to sell at church.
47
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:21,018
And, Mom, I guess at work,
or wherever you go?
48
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:25,400
Deadline is Friday.
Most sales gets a PlayStation.
49
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,518
So let's really get after it, people.
50
00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:30,225
Ooh, got a great idea.
51
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:31,857
Sell them yourself.
52
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,823
Go! Go out in the neighborhood.
Sell them out there.
53
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:37,405
Aren't you worried about predators?
I'm very cute.
54
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:40,907
I'm not worried.
55
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,624
Your abuelita will be three feet
behind you at all times.
56
00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:45,996
Come on.
Work up a good sales pitch.
57
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:49,383
It'll be so much more gratifying
if you earn that PlayStation yourself.
58
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,301
[groans] This is the worst.
59
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,130
There's my little go-getter!
60
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,125
Hey, Mom, can Carmen stay overnight?
61
00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:57,223
We're having so much fun.
62
00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:01,644
Why doesn't she sleep out here
on elsofá?
63
00:03:01,724 --> 00:03:03,604
It will be more comfortable
than the floor.
64
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:05,233
Oh, she just sleeps in bed with me.
65
00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,775
I'm not saying anything.
66
00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:18,868
Good. 'Cause everyone
should feel at home here.
67
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,028
[sighs]
68
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:26,206
Hey, guys.
I fixed the water pressure and tested it.
69
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,129
Hey, let's push dinner a smidge, okay?
70
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,628
Ooh, rice again?
71
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,379
Can we not?
I'm doin' a little Paleo thing right now.
72
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,712
Also, I borrowed your nail clippers.
See you in 20.
73
00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:39,763
I think peoples feel at home.
74
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:42,644
[theme song playing]
75
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,436
[laughing] Hey.
76
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:37,355
Hey. Where have you two been?
77
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,744
Where's the cake?
Where are the balloons?
78
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,322
[both] Oh...
79
00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:46,452
Sorry, I forgot to get
the balloons last night.
80
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:48,957
So why didn't you get them on your way in?
81
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,079
I didn't wanna be late.
82
00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,745
-But you are late!
-But I didn't want to be.
83
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:55,586
You know what's weird?
84
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,170
The bakery where you told me
to pick up the cake?
85
00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,085
[laughing] I was there
getting coffee this morning.
86
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:06,057
Okay, this? This right here
is why we have two stars on Yelp.
87
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,808
Are you guys getting any service?
88
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:14,944
I haven't gotten a birthday call
or e-mail or text.
89
00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:17,943
-Well, the office is kind of a dead spot.
-I've got four bars!
90
00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:22,202
-My daughter did call.
-There you go.
91
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,410
She wanted my Netflix password.
92
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:30,579
My birthday didn't come up,
and my password is my birthday!
93
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:34,575
But at least you guys remembered.
94
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:37,418
Uh, I believe I said...
95
00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:40,010
grocery store sheet cake?
96
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,306
You guys forgot, too?
97
00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:50,810
No, we... we didn't forget.
98
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,611
"Y birthday"?
99
00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:05,244
Well said, banner. Well said.
100
00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:09,408
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
[stammers] I have, um... [snaps fingers]
101
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,964
You got me.
I was trying to keep it a surprise.
102
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,882
I am having you over
for a birthday dinner.
103
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,550
-Tonight?
-Tonight?
104
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:22,379
-I'm free!
-Great! Tonight! It's happening!
105
00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:24,175
So it's a party?
I can invite all my friends?
106
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:25,339
Uh, sure.
107
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,257
Great! Lori, Scott,
want to come to my birthday party?
108
00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,805
No, no, not them.
I mean, I'm sure they're busy.
109
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,890
Nope. My husband has couples counseling
with the dog, so I'm free.
110
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,896
I got kicked off Tinder, so... so am I.
111
00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:41,528
So, it's gonna be this.
112
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:43,946
But in my home?
113
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:46,243
Great!
114
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:50,365
All right, I got the party box.
115
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,832
I got some, uh,
birthday candles, party hats.
116
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,924
This cowboy stuff is no good to me.
Oh, look, look.
117
00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,631
Decorative plates left over
from Lisette's baby shower.
118
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,802
They say, "It's a boy,"
so, technically, it works.
119
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:06,384
Okay. Give me a status report.
120
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:09,008
Rice is on the stove,
costillas in the marinade,
121
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,506
and I look fantastic!
122
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:14,516
Schneider! Where's that centerpiece
you promised me?
123
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,601
The gourd is drying, as is the glitter.
124
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,646
Got away from me a little bit,
I'm not gonna lie.
125
00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,442
Sounds like a train wreck. Go get it.
126
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,070
Oh, no, no, Alex, you gotta put that away.
127
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,363
You said I have to sell them.
128
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,616
We're about to have a house
full of customers.
129
00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:31,328
Oh, you know what? They got money.
Clean 'em out, papito.
130
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:35,708
-I made my sangria.
-Two pitchers?
131
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:39,665
Last time I drank that, I woke up naked
in the tub with a French braid.
132
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,752
And I don't know how to French braid.
133
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,179
Don't worry.
It's going to be a very classy night.
134
00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:51,595
Papito, crawl onto the fire escape
and put this on the grill.
135
00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:55,389
Oh, oh, and take this stick
in case of the raccoon.
136
00:07:58,520 --> 00:07:59,480
Oh, Carmen.
137
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,190
We're taking a little break
from our immigration project.
138
00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:04,574
We're really hitting a wall. [chuckles]
139
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,195
You're not as funny as your mom.
140
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:16,500
Guys, guys, oh, my...
I'm sorry.
141
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,999
I'm throwing a sad man
a stupid party. [chuckles]
142
00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:20,502
It's gonna make him really happy,
143
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,633
but I don't think Carmen
needs to be around for it.
144
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,210
-What?
-Hey!
145
00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:26,796
Elena, it's fine.
I'll go get my stuff.
146
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:30,301
No, no, no. It's not fine.
She has to stay. This isn't fair!
147
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:31,755
She's been here most of the week.
148
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,715
Can she only survive
in this apartment's atmosphere?
149
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,853
-You guys can take the night off.
-No!
150
00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:41,227
You better watch that attitude.
151
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,273
This is not a big deal,
so why are you making it one?
152
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,241
And during the party,
you can't just hide in your room.
153
00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:49,239
-You have to participate.
-Why?
154
00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:51,911
Because I am raising
a polite human person.
155
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,660
And if I don't get to hide in my room,
no one does.
156
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:57,504
It's cool.
157
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,369
Sorry, I didn't mean to be any trouble.
158
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:03,036
No, honey, no. You're not trouble.
The trouble's arriving in ten minutes.
159
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:05,501
I'm sparing you, trust me.
160
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,877
[sighs] Text me later, okay?
161
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:09,375
You know I will.
162
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,642
I feel like I'm watching
the end of Titanic.
163
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,944
Queer.
164
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:30,147
Ugh. That's the centerpiece?
165
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:31,856
It's not his memorial service.
166
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:35,284
You only gave me five hours and no theme.
167
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,237
-[knock on door]
-Oh, God damn it. Okay.
168
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,117
-You know what? Just... put it down.
-[grunts]
169
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:41,290
Okay.
170
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:44,579
Okay. Now listen.
171
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,337
This is a very sweet and lonely guy.
172
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,220
I've seen him riding
a tandem bicycle by himself.
173
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,008
Are we ready? Are we ready?
174
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,255
Espérate, espérate.
175
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:57,886
Ay, ay!
176
00:09:58,806 --> 00:09:59,926
Dale.
177
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,562
[inhales sharply]
178
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:05,564
Hey, welcome!
179
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:06,687
-Hey!
-How are you?
180
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,033
I picked everybody up
to make sure they'd come.
181
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,279
Great. That's great.
182
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,360
Hi.
183
00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:15,486
Happy birthday, Dr. Berkowitz.
184
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,413
Oh, please, call me Leslie.
185
00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,832
Why would I do that?
That is a woman's name.
186
00:10:22,164 --> 00:10:24,084
It is also my name.
187
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:25,956
Uh, that's too bad.
188
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:29,917
Brought you a bottle of wine
somebody left at my house.
189
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:31,665
I don't do Zin.
190
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,088
Oh, hi, Alex!
191
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:37,467
Hi, I'm Alex Alvarez.
192
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:42,056
Youth sports is one of the most
important activities--
193
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:45,402
Okay, okay, okay. Not yet, Willy Wonka.
Let them sit down.
194
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:52,025
And, uh, where is that
delightful daughter of yours?
195
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:53,779
Oh, yeah. Elena!
196
00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,790
She is so excited about your party.
197
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,660
[all laughing]
198
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,464
And then this one says,
199
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:10,092
"Doc, that's not apple juice!"
200
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,300
[all laughing]
201
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:18,047
That is the last time
I misplaced my glasses.
202
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:23,929
And just to be safe, I bought him a cup
that says "not urine" on it.
203
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:25,686
-[all laughing]
-Yeah, yeah.
204
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:28,976
So you don't drink el pee-pee.
205
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:30,233
[all laughing]
206
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,532
I don't know if it's the sangria,
but I am havin' a great time.
207
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:39,072
-[chuckles] It's the sangria.
-[laughing]
208
00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:40,526
Good thing you drove.
209
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:45,203
Unless somebody else wants
to give me a ride? [laughs]
210
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:48,998
Oh, I am flattered, married lady.
211
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,467
Always interesting to be
the sober one at a dinner party.
212
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:02,048
Now if memory serves,
next stage is dancing.
213
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,518
[gasps] That's a great idea!
Whoo-hoo!
214
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,767
We should probably put some music on
to make this less weird.
215
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,491
No, let this ride a while.
216
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,149
[sighs]
217
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,618
It makes me sad to see Americanos dance.
218
00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:26,496
♪ I've got the looks ♪
219
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,619
♪ I've got the body, yeah... ♪
220
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:30,747
Mom, I got this.
221
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,547
Hi, I'm Alex Alvarez.
222
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:38,129
Youth sports is one of the most important
activities in building character--
223
00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:40,335
I'll buy five. [chuckles]
224
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,008
[whispers] We can share.
225
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:46,305
Oh, that's really sweet, but I'm kinda
doing a little Paleo thing right now.
226
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:48,481
-Ooh. It's working. [chuckles]
-Okay.
227
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,652
This is so much fun, Penelope.
228
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:55,530
Well, I'm glad you're having a good time.
But it's not over yet.
229
00:12:56,943 --> 00:13:00,953
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
230
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,450
[laughs]
231
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,452
[all singing] ♪ Happy birthday to... ♪
232
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:07,334
No, no. Just me.
233
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:14,844
[singing] ♪ Happy birthday... ♪
234
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,803
♪ To ju ♪
235
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,092
Is she singing "to Jew"?
236
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:26,638
Doesn't matter. It works both ways.
237
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:35,403
♪ Happy birthday, Leslie Berkowitz ♪
238
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,238
♪ Happy birthday ♪
239
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:49,334
♪ To ju ♪
240
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:56,961
I, uh, want to thank all of you, uh,
241
00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:00,473
especially Penelope, for this day.
242
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:04,385
And thank you for making me feel
like I belong. [chuckles]
243
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:07,059
Ah, y? Are you going
to blow out the candles?
244
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:10,635
If I don't,
maybe this moment will last forever.
245
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:12,685
Aw.
246
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:14,730
But it won't.
Blow them out.
247
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,985
-[blows]
-Bravo!
248
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:22,898
[all cheering]
249
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:26,323
All right. Is it over?
Can I go to my room now?
250
00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:29,538
Please, Elena, lighten up.
We did a good thing here.
251
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,999
Have some cake.
Forget about Carmen for one second.
252
00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:33,749
[Elena sighs]
253
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,211
-Oh, Mami, you forgot the knife.
-Ah.
254
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,263
-[Lori gasps]
-[Penelope] Where's that cake knife?
255
00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:43,588
Remember the fancy one we borrowed
from Marie Callender's?
256
00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:45,885
There's a Walking Dead
on your fire escape!
257
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,931
Is this part of my birthday,
like a singing Grim Reaper?
258
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,265
You guys are the best!
259
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:59,729
No, Dr. Berkowitz,
that's actually Elena's friend.
260
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,863
I don't get it. Why was Carmen trying
to come in through the window?
261
00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,525
Yeah, that was a little, uh...
262
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,533
Queer?
263
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:11,790
You come here.
264
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,501
Is... is everything all right?
265
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,582
Yeah, everything is great.
Mami, cut the cake, please.
266
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,627
And, uh, you guys go ahead and eat.
267
00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,298
-What are you two trying to pull?
-Nothing.
268
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:25,878
[sighs] You don't understand.
269
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:28,217
Text her.
Make sure she gets home okay.
270
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:30,642
And after the party, we're gonna talk
about you and Carmen.
271
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,767
Oh, now that I've bought all this candy,
272
00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:37,101
I'd love to come see
some of your ballgames.
273
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,227
Uh, that'd be weird.
274
00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:43,396
He sounds just like my kids.
275
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:44,775
[Penelope chuckles]
276
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:48,607
I'm sorry, everyone.
It's, uh, teenage girls, you know.
277
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:50,028
Everything is very dramatic.
278
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,446
It must be about a boy.
279
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,081
[sing-song] I don't think so.
280
00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,132
No, I think they're both stressed
281
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,168
about their big immigration project
for school.
282
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,712
Immigration project?
Why haven't they come to me?
283
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:04,876
Why would they go to you?
284
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:06,803
Oh, boy.
285
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:12,010
[sighs] Well, there's no stoppin' now.
286
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,807
-[exhales]
-What's happening?
287
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,941
I immigrated here illegally.
I'm a Canadian.
288
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:26,815
[mocks gasping] Shocking! I know.
289
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:33,412
Oh, I thought you were all gonna do that.
290
00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:36,785
So, you're an illegal alien?
291
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,121
Well, we prefer "undocumented."
292
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:45,053
But yeah, born in the 'Couve,
overstayed my student visa,
293
00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:48,877
forced to live in the shadows
of Pepperdine University.
294
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,183
Took me a while to get rid of the accent,
but now I can say
295
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:58,683
[in exaggerated American accent]
I am sorry about that.
296
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:06,857
Wow. You must have been
very brave, Schneider,
297
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:09,363
coming here with everything.
298
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,493
Knowing only the entire language
299
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:16,285
and struggling to unlearn
the metric system.
300
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:22,502
I sense a liter of sarcasm.
301
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,798
Anyway, it's fine now.
My lawyers made it all okay.
302
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,091
-Well, that's good.
-[Schneider] Yeah.
303
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,974
But if you wanna hear
a real immigration story--
304
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,141
Havana, 1962.
305
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,983
I came here as a child,
fleeing an oppressive regime,
306
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,690
with only my natural charm
and perfect legs.
307
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,743
Here she goes.
308
00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:52,108
And you know, it was written
that I was Cuba's greatest dancer.
309
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:53,737
Whoa. Who wrote that?
310
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,754
Just because I wrote it,
doesn't mean it wasn't true.
311
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,789
I bet you were fabulous.
312
00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:05,535
Oh, completamente.
313
00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:08,297
And then... [sighs] Castro.
314
00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:10,009
-Mmm.
-La Revolución.
315
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:14,430
The Catholic Church
had a program called Pedro Pan
316
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,800
that invited the Cuban children
to come over.
317
00:18:16,888 --> 00:18:18,598
And they gave us our papers.
318
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,681
And I RSVP'd "Yes."
319
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:26,611
It's my little joke. There was no RSVP.
320
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:28,779
[all laughing]
321
00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:32,108
Oh, that's great.
At least you did it the right way.
322
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,914
Oh, Scott. [chuckles]
323
00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:36,068
Don't ruin the night by being you.
324
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:39,367
I'm just being honest.
There's a right way and a wrong way,
325
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:40,951
and a lot of people
are doing it the wrong way.
326
00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:43,787
How come when people say,
"I'm just being honest,"
327
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,833
something terrible always comes next?
328
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:46,957
You know, it's never like,
329
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:49,343
"Hey, I'm just being honest.
You look hot."
330
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,300
I said that to you once.
You got mad at me.
331
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,511
Because it was in the workplace.
Do you understand anything?
332
00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:00,805
-So I can say it now?
-Technically, but don't.
333
00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:06,274
Such stimulating dinner party repartee.
334
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,524
Anyway, what's so wrong about saying
people should follow the rules?
335
00:19:10,607 --> 00:19:13,317
You wanna come to America, get in line.
336
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:16,782
Oh, the one that's ten years long,
full of hard-working people
337
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:20,494
that'll do jobs that some Americans
won't do? Like picking fruit?
338
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:23,826
Or remembering to buy balloons and a cake
for a birthday party?
339
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,833
[crying] I'm so sorry.
340
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:32,001
-Oh, yeah, we're at this stage now.
-[continues crying]
341
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,422
The next stage can't happen!
342
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:40,258
It's just the country's full up.
343
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:44,556
Like a bar. It was free before 8:00 p.m.,
but now you gotta pay a cover.
344
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,557
Sorry, but we can't just take everybody.
345
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:50,194
-[scoffs]
-Elbobo is right.
346
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,817
-What?
-Everyone should follow the rules.
347
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,901
I did, Schneider did.
348
00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,647
I did not, actually.
349
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,159
Lot of lawyers, lot of fines.
350
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,160
Mami, seriously?
351
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,581
What you went through was terrible.
352
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:11,004
But at least, you had a place to go,
and you were welcomed with open arms.
353
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,795
There are persecuted people
all around the world
354
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:16,549
who would love the opportunity
to come here, but they can't.
355
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,472
Because the rules are different
for different people.
356
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,931
So some of them break the law
and they do what they have to do to fight
357
00:20:22,013 --> 00:20:24,813
for better lives
for themselves and their families.
358
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:25,810
And you know what?
359
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,056
I get it.
360
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:31,606
Mom?
361
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:33,731
Can I talk to you for a second?
362
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:34,646
Yeah.
363
00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:36,864
Uh, excuse me, I'll be right back.
364
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,237
[Elena sighs]
365
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:42,068
Carmen's in my room right now.
366
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:43,778
What? Elena!
367
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:46,448
-She has nowhere else to go.
-What are you talking about?
368
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:48,461
Where are her parents?
369
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:52,040
Mexico. They were deported.
370
00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:56,877
[sighs]
371
00:20:58,466 --> 00:20:59,466
All right, stay here.
372
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,098
Hey, everyone. [chuckles]
373
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,720
We had a lot of fun,
but it is a school night.
374
00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:09,058
And it's way past the kids' bedtime.
375
00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,193
Okay, okay.
376
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:13,399
There's nothing worse
than a guest who overstays his welcome.
377
00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:17,323
But I did notice a Monopoly board.
[chuckles]
378
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:21,818
You know what?
Let's just wrap this up.
379
00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:24,657
We really should.
380
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:31,707
Okay, they're gone.
381
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,081
Lori threw up, but the good news is
382
00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:35,207
she made it to the hall,
so it's a Schneider problem.
383
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:39,342
[sighs] What do I do?
384
00:21:40,257 --> 00:21:42,837
Do I drive you somewhere?
Is there a detention center?
385
00:21:43,344 --> 00:21:45,054
Pero, uh, qué pasó?
386
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:47,602
My dad got sick,
387
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:51,811
and they heard about this doctor
that helps undocumented people.
388
00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:54,984
But he was south of the checkpoint.
389
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:57,401
Her parents got picked up coming back.
390
00:21:57,483 --> 00:21:59,743
-[gasps]
-Ay, niña.
391
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,359
[Lydia] Dios mío.
392
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:05,743
So, the immigration project?
393
00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:08,368
I am the immigration project.
394
00:22:10,412 --> 00:22:13,042
I was too scared to tell you.
I... I'm sorry I lied.
395
00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:14,334
[clicks tongue]
396
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:20,010
You gotta tell me stuff,
even if it's not great.
397
00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:21,969
Especially if it's not great.
398
00:22:22,674 --> 00:22:25,934
We take care of people.
That's what our family does, right?
399
00:22:26,929 --> 00:22:27,929
Right.
400
00:22:30,516 --> 00:22:33,556
-When did this happen?
-Two weeks ago.
401
00:22:34,395 --> 00:22:35,435
Two weeks?
402
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,146
So have you been staying here
this whole time?
403
00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:41,193
Yeah. Most nights after dinner,
404
00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:44,067
I leave and I sneak back up
through the fire escape.
405
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:44,994
[Lydia] Oh.
406
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:47,992
Are you the raccoon?
407
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:53,910
Yeah.
408
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:57,633
But I felt really bad
that we didn't tell you guys.
409
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,840
So I've been trying
to help out around here.
410
00:23:00,922 --> 00:23:04,342
That's why I did the laundry
and reorganized the pantry.
411
00:23:04,425 --> 00:23:06,715
Oh, was that you? [gasps]
412
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,386
Alphabetical order.
413
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:12,555
I love it.
414
00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:19,192
That was very sweet of you, Carmen.
But I wish you would've come to me.
415
00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:22,324
How long did you think
you could keep this up?
416
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:24,783
A year.
417
00:23:24,861 --> 00:23:25,991
What? [scoffs]
418
00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:29,530
We're gonna need more rice.
419
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:37,173
She wants to graduate with her class.
And she was born here.
420
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:39,709
She's never even been to Mexico,
not even Cabo.
421
00:23:41,878 --> 00:23:43,708
My parents didn't do anything wrong.
422
00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:46,182
They both work two jobs.
423
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:49,048
I'm on scholarship at St. B's,
and I get good grades.
424
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:51,427
We're a normal American family.
425
00:23:52,598 --> 00:23:54,848
We had tickets to see Frozenon Ice.
426
00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:57,895
You like Frozen?
427
00:23:58,771 --> 00:24:00,481
Sometimes the skaters fall.
428
00:24:00,982 --> 00:24:02,822
[chuckles]
429
00:24:04,985 --> 00:24:06,945
Have you been able
to speak to your parents?
430
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:09,777
Yeah. [sniffles]
431
00:24:10,741 --> 00:24:11,991
What do they say you should do?
432
00:24:12,493 --> 00:24:15,453
They said I'm supposed to go
to my brother's in Texas.
433
00:24:16,913 --> 00:24:19,383
Well, then I think
that's what you need to do, Carmen.
434
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:23,168
No... Mom! Texas?
The worst place on the planet?
435
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:28,302
-He lives in Austin.
-Austin!
436
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:31,968
Actually, I hear Austin's pretty chill.
437
00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:38,766
You can stay with us until we figure out
how to get you to Austin, okay?
438
00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:40,938
But you need to be with your family.
439
00:24:47,361 --> 00:24:50,111
[sniffles] I can't believe they sent
your parents back home.
440
00:24:51,115 --> 00:24:52,525
They didn't send them home.
441
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:55,242
They sent them away.
442
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:56,617
[both crying]
443
00:25:07,131 --> 00:25:09,131
Okay, guys.
I think it's time to leave.
444
00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:12,642
Carmen.
445
00:25:13,762 --> 00:25:14,972
This is my favorite duffel.
446
00:25:15,681 --> 00:25:18,771
It got me through war, and I'm pretty sure
it'll get you through Austin.
447
00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:24,519
Inside are some shirts and jeans,
and I'm guessing you might be interested
448
00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:26,186
in my old combat boots.
449
00:25:26,275 --> 00:25:29,485
The ones I shined last week?
Shut your face hole!
450
00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:35,704
Yeah. And, um, it's not much,
451
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:38,254
but it'll buy you a cauldron and a wand.
452
00:25:40,747 --> 00:25:42,077
I'm gonna miss this.
453
00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:43,706
I'm gonna miss this, too.
454
00:25:45,961 --> 00:25:50,011
Mmm. But know that you'll always have
a place to park your broom.
455
00:25:54,303 --> 00:25:56,263
-You know...
-[sniffling and crying]
456
00:25:57,431 --> 00:25:58,681
This is like...
457
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,271
when I had to say goodbye
to my friends in Cuba.
458
00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:08,022
And my papi said,
"Keep it together for your mami,
459
00:26:08,109 --> 00:26:09,739
or she will be so upset."
460
00:26:10,902 --> 00:26:14,912
And then my mami said,
"Keep it together for your papi."
461
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:19,540
So... be a good friend, mmm?
462
00:26:20,454 --> 00:26:23,214
Think how difficult this must be for her.
463
00:26:25,751 --> 00:26:26,881
Sé fuerte.
464
00:26:28,337 --> 00:26:29,547
[knock on door]
465
00:26:32,424 --> 00:26:34,804
-Hey, Schneider.
-Hi.
466
00:26:34,885 --> 00:26:38,465
Thanks for taking me to the airport...
and for buying the ticket.
467
00:26:39,056 --> 00:26:40,676
God bless white guilt.
468
00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:46,480
Or is it Canadian goodness?
469
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:48,323
[in heavy Canadian accent]
Well, a little of both, eh?
470
00:26:48,399 --> 00:26:49,649
[in American accent] Damn it!
471
00:26:51,652 --> 00:26:53,402
Here you go. On me.
472
00:26:54,404 --> 00:26:57,534
Well, on the weird blonde lady
who forgot to take them home.
473
00:26:59,827 --> 00:27:00,697
Thanks, Alex.
474
00:27:07,543 --> 00:27:08,543
Thank you, señora.
475
00:27:14,675 --> 00:27:16,175
I'll text you from the airport.
476
00:27:16,802 --> 00:27:18,222
Text me from Schneider's car.
477
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:20,391
You know I will.
478
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:21,602
[both crying]
479
00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:35,946
[sniffles]
480
00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:39,583
I thought you said I was supposed
to keep it together!
481
00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:41,578
[both crying]
482
00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:43,500
Well, that's you.
483
00:27:45,956 --> 00:27:47,456
[crying] We can do whatever we want.
36962
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