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1
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:07,173
[alarm beeps]
2
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,257
[Latin music playing over stereo]
3
00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:32,866
[music continues playing]
4
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,562
-Good morning.
-[both] Morning.
5
00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,275
Ah.
6
00:01:49,652 --> 00:01:50,692
You're amazing.
7
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,358
I know.
8
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,282
Mami, we already have crosses everywhere.
9
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,537
Do we really need a pope on the fridge?
10
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:02,500
Oh, yes, because he is so inspiring.
11
00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:05,330
You walk in to get a yogurt,
you see him...
12
00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:07,287
Hola, Papa.
13
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,087
Puts a smile on your face.
14
00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:11,971
Well, why don't you put the pope
in your room and go smile in there?
15
00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:14,719
[laughs] I already have
two popes in my room.
16
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,432
Gracias very much.
17
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:17,721
Oh.
18
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,425
Oh, what's that, Papa?
19
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:20,845
Are you lonely?
20
00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:22,432
You wanna be with your friends?
21
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,354
Well...
22
00:02:25,437 --> 00:02:28,017
[speaking Spanish]
23
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,232
[continues speaking Spanish]
24
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,988
[in English] He looks happy there.
25
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:45,754
[theme song playing]
26
00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:35,844
You can probably dump
that whole thing on there.
27
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,844
[laughs] Next time.
28
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,046
-[chuckles]
-[door slams]
29
00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:42,468
[all] Hi!
30
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,806
Welcome home, Lupita.
31
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:48,602
We are almost done,
but there is plenty left.
32
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,307
Aw.
33
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:54,277
Dinner with my entire family...
And Schneider.
34
00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,660
Yes, I invited him again. He's an orphan.
35
00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:02,832
Do orphans always have rich dads
who buy them buildings?
36
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:06,660
Hey, I may have money in the bank
and two living parents,
37
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,207
and four living stepmothers...
38
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:11,915
but there is a hole in here.
39
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:16,456
We never had family meals.
I ate alone in front of the TV.
40
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,798
Ay, pobrecito Schneider.
41
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:21,144
Oh, don't get me wrong.
It was a massive TV.
42
00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:26,805
Sometimes my nanny would join me,
but only if I agreed to watch telenovelas.
43
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,392
Ooh, those are so over the top.
44
00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:31,346
Right? This one time,
Rosa got jealous of the housekeeper
45
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,268
'cause she was makin' a move
on her man,
46
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:36,476
so she threatened to throw
live scorpions on her while she slept.
47
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,988
Sounds good. Which one was that?
48
00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:41,487
Oh, no. Rosa was my nanny.
49
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,866
Ex-nanny. Now, stepmother.
50
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,163
[sighs]
51
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,168
I am so glad to be here.
52
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,415
I'm just glad to be home with everybody.
53
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:55,751
Who the hell are you?
54
00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,932
[scoffs] This is Carmen, my best friend.
55
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,139
I'm doing my history project with her.
56
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,140
These all sound like things I should know.
57
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,308
Hi, Carmen.
58
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,267
Hi. [sighs]
59
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,276
Ah.
60
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,149
[grunts] I'm Penelope.
61
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,606
Kind of a big deal around here.
62
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,954
So, uh, what's this history project
you're working on?
63
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:30,035
And then maybe later you can show me
how to turn into a bat.
64
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:35,838
Well, we just got done
explaining the whole thing.
65
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,499
Oh, come on, mija, I missed it.
66
00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:38,917
Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.
67
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:42,176
Alex, tell your mother that funny story
that happened in chemistry class.
68
00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,139
-Again?
-I know, okay, I'll tell it. [chuckles]
69
00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:50,015
So, there is the floor and... slip.
70
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,020
[laughing]
71
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,442
[Schneider laughs]
72
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,984
Oh, that Dylan.
73
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:58,404
Oh, that story never gets old.
74
00:05:58,483 --> 00:05:59,943
-[laughs]
-[Penelope] Oh, man.
75
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,896
I've been workin' so much,
I'm missing all the scoops...
76
00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,198
plus Latina Twilight over here.
77
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:11,115
Careful.
There's a lot of garlic in that chicken.
78
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,207
Your mom's kind of mean.
I'm obsessed with her.
79
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:24,799
Who would like a pastelito?
80
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,434
Mmm! You know what?
81
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:30,182
How about we go on a family hike
this Saturday like we used to?
82
00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:33,225
Mom, uh, Carmen and I need all Saturday
for our history thing.
83
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:36,150
Yeah, and Abuelita and I have tickets
to wrestling.
84
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,570
I don't understand
why you waste good money on that.
85
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:39,768
It's educational.
86
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:41,940
Eh, I don't know.
87
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,651
Okay, Saturday's out.
88
00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:47,277
How about we go on a hike
Sunday morning before it gets hot?
89
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,786
You seem to have forgot.
Sunday morning is for church.
90
00:06:50,868 --> 00:06:53,458
So, we skip church.
91
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:56,868
You seem to have forgot.
We don't skip church.
92
00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:00,169
Mami, it's okay if we miss it one time.
It's not gonna kill us.
93
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,213
Oh, really?
94
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:05,183
My great uncle Luisito skipped church,
95
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:08,928
and on the same day,
he was crushed by a runaway tractor.
96
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,679
Why don't you just go to church
and then go hikin' after?
97
00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:16,016
We're Latinos, church takes all day.
98
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,693
By the time you're done with mass
99
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:19,610
and you've said hello to fulano y fulana,
100
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:22,729
-it's five o'clock!
-Oh, you exaggerate. 4:30.
101
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,067
[Penelope clicks tongue]
102
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:28,323
I wanna see these guys this weekend.
Come on.
103
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:29,526
'Cause I like them. [chuckles]
104
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:30,656
-[Alex and Elena chuckle]
-Oh, no,
105
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,242
I have to put my foot down.
106
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,197
Sundays we go to church...
107
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,667
And then, sometimes we go to Applebee's.
108
00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:38,875
Well, I have a foot, too,
109
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:43,299
and I'm gonna put my foot down and say
this Sunday we're not going to church.
110
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:46,010
Well, I am putting both of my feet down.
111
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:49,591
We are going
and that is the end of it. Ya!
112
00:07:49,677 --> 00:07:51,047
That's not your decision to make.
113
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,347
It's startin' to feel
kinda like home in here.
114
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,563
I'm with Mom.
We don't need to go to church.
115
00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,734
After all, Abuelita,
you don't even believe half that stuff.
116
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:03,283
-I believe everything.
-[Elena] Really?
117
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,778
When you take the communion
118
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:07,819
you believe you're eating
the actual flesh and blood of Jesus?
119
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,994
Ay, no, it's a symbol.
Don't be gross.
120
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:13,447
Okay, so, if you believe that,
then you're Protestant.
121
00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:16,366
There is no need for name-calling.
122
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:21,417
All I know is that a good Catholic
does not skip church.
123
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,541
Right, papito?
124
00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:24,877
I like church.
I see my friends.
125
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:26,592
I eat some donuts.
126
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:30,340
Now, this one gets it.
127
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:32,508
We're going.
128
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:34,055
No, we are not!
129
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,219
I work hard all week.
130
00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:39,098
When I get home, there's barely enough
time to have a meal with the kids.
131
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,396
Weekends are my only chance.
132
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:43,018
So, this Sunday, no church.
End of discussion.
133
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:45,476
[speaking Spanish]
134
00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:49,279
-Ooh.
-[Carmen] Ooh.
135
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,782
[in English] What? What'd she say?
136
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,025
I am raising my voice,
137
00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:56,697
because I cannot believe
we're having this discussion!
138
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,866
I'm their mother!
I don't need to ask permission!
139
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:00,996
I decide.
140
00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:04,423
And I am your mother,
and I decide what you decide.
141
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,760
We are a family, damn it!
142
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,223
Don't make me choose between you.
143
00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:15,762
Okay, I'd choose Lydia because of
her warm food and even warmer hugs.
144
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,387
But I'd feel really bad about it.
145
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:21,314
All right, everybody, go do your homework.
Schneider, go call one of your moms.
146
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:23,100
Fine.
147
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:26,818
Guess I'll just go eat this all alone
in front of my massive TV.
148
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,440
-Thought that was at your dad's house--
-I have one, too!
149
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,280
-Ay.
-[door closes]
150
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:34,618
Okay, Mami...
151
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,290
I love you, but I'm their mother
152
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,619
and you're making decisions
that I should be making.
153
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:40,964
-¿Ah, sí?
-Yeah.
154
00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:43,418
Like, I don't like the kids
having dessert every night.
155
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,630
Oh, come on. Es una cosita.
156
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,210
But we have to watch our sugar.
Dad had diabetes.
157
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,006
So, I killed your father?
158
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,590
What? No!
159
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:55,096
Mami, look around.
160
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:58,768
I told you, I don't want crosses
and pope stuff everywhere.
161
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:01,598
My apartment looks like
Jesus' Pinterest page.
162
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:04,900
This is my house,
163
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:08,609
and I decide if I want obese kids
or the pope staring at me while I pee.
164
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,896
Ah... yo entiendo.
165
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:15,446
I cook, I clean,
I teach the children manners...
166
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:19,292
But if I should have an opinion,
you want me to keep my mouth shut.
167
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,369
Ay, exactly.
168
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,623
-Thank you for understanding--
-No!
169
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,995
So I am a servant?
170
00:10:25,082 --> 00:10:27,712
Like Cinderella? No, Cinderbuela.
171
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,667
No more!
172
00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:34,006
You don't like what I am doing,
I won't do it.
173
00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:36,141
-Mami, please.
-I'll be in my servant's quarters.
174
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,103
Slam!
175
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:45,475
I have to say "slam"
because you would not give me a door!
176
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,020
[alarm beeps]
177
00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:52,027
[Latin music playing over stereo]
178
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,131
What?
179
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,385
Eso...
180
00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:21,892
Yeah! Oh.
181
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,436
Where's Abuelita?
182
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,444
-Pouting.
-Where's breakfast?
183
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,896
Working on it.
184
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,527
Where's breakfast?
185
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:37,913
I'm... I'm working on it.
186
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,279
Where are my pants?
187
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:40,906
You're kidding, right?
188
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:43,373
How can you not know
where your pants are at?
189
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,123
Abuelita washed them.
She said my cuffs looked shabby.
190
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:47,705
Who am I to disagree?
191
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:50,670
All right, Mami, you win!
192
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:53,172
Where are Alex's pants?
193
00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,085
[Latin music continues playing]
194
00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:00,851
Where's Abuelita?
195
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,886
She's small.
She's probably under something.
196
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,062
[music stops playing]
197
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:14,442
Kids...
198
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:18,073
I think your abuelita
has run away from home.
199
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,236
[knocking on door]
200
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:23,834
[clears throat]
201
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:28,708
-Hello, Schneider. Listen, have you--
-Wow!
202
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,290
I always forget
how huge your apartment is.
203
00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:34,246
Nah, come on, it's not that big.
But let's talk in the parlor.
204
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,423
Schneider, have you seen my mom?
205
00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:39,631
Gosh, no.
206
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:44,312
[sniffs] Then why do I smell
fried plantains and Cuban coffee?
207
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,139
Fine! She spent the night.
208
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:48,483
But I want you to know, nothing happened.
209
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:52,902
What were you thinking,
chasin' that woman away?
210
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:54,980
She's funny, she's charming,
and when she gets angry,
211
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:56,146
she cleans.
212
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,404
-Where is she?
-[Schneider] I don't know.
213
00:12:58,486 --> 00:12:59,856
After last night's ugliness,
214
00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:02,276
she spent the night
and left without saying goodbye,
215
00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:04,155
so she already knows the drill.
216
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,543
Unlike some people.
217
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,839
What was that?
And why was she drinking my coffee?
218
00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:18,758
Well, when my family oasis
blew up last night,
219
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,510
I had to seek solace in the arms of...
220
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,221
I don't know her name.
221
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,104
Your mom called her the "Stick Girl"
and made her eat plato de huevos.
222
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:32,982
Did Abuelita forget to give her
her pants, too?
223
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:39,067
Well, there's no reason
to get lawyers involved.
224
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,361
My daughter.
225
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:45,701
Katie, if I raised my voice
the other night, I'm sorry.
226
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:50,253
And I'm sorry for that, too. And that.
227
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:52,828
No, no, wait, wait, no.
228
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:56,535
Now I am not going to apologize
for saying "unemployed,"
229
00:13:56,628 --> 00:13:58,588
because that's what you are. [laughs]
230
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,047
You're so sensitive. [imitates gunshot]
231
00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:06,604
And, sweetheart,
I just want you to be honest with yourself
232
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,719
and ask what happens
233
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:12,846
if your self-published vampire erotica
doesn't take off.
234
00:14:14,396 --> 00:14:17,816
No, no, of course, I believe in you.
[stutters] It's--
235
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,649
And she's gone.
236
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:21,114
[sighs]
237
00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:24,114
Well, you know how kids are.
238
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:27,067
Thirty-seven is a rough age.
239
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:30,826
Any word from your mom?
240
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:32,872
No, but I'm sure she's home
241
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:36,205
talking crap about me
with Juan Pablo and Benedicto.
242
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,549
Has she ever disappeared like this before?
243
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,469
No, usually when we fight,
she does the opposite of go away.
244
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,679
She just sighs really loudly.
245
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:47,549
[imitates Lydia] "Ay!"
246
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,847
[normal] Anything to draw attention
to the fact that she's wounded and nearby.
247
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:54,393
[stutters] My ex used to have a sigh, too.
248
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:55,807
It went like this...
249
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,855
[inhales deeply] "I hate you!"
250
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,941
I still miss her.
251
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:06,277
I just... I don't...
252
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:07,873
I don't have time for this drama,
you know?
253
00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:09,989
I got work, I got bills, I got kids.
254
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,446
Well, doesn't she help out?
255
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:14,786
Yeah, she gets the groceries,
cooks, cleans,
256
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:17,212
spends time with the kids,
does the laundry--
257
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,041
Sounds like she does everything.
258
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:21,504
Well, it does when I say it out loud.
259
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:25,127
She's also turning my apartment
into the Sistine Chapel.
260
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:27,256
That must look amazing.
261
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,135
-Okay, I'm not explaining this right.
-[cell phone rings]
262
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,101
Wait, hold on.
263
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:34,978
Oh, yeah.
264
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:37,139
Hey, Schneider,
I am just about to leave. What's up?
265
00:15:37,228 --> 00:15:39,478
I just came down to get
my afternoon café con leche
266
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:40,944
and kiss on the cheek from your mom,
267
00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:43,484
-but she's still not here.
-What?
268
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:46,108
But don't worry, though. I got this.
All three kids are fine.
269
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,605
-Three?
-Yeah.
270
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,657
Carmen, Elena's best friend?
271
00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:51,581
We have got to catch you up.
272
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:56,210
I know who Carmen is.
She's the ghost who ate all my chicken.
273
00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:58,879
Hi, Ms. Alvarez.
274
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,205
[Schneider] Takin' you off speaker.
275
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:05,724
Great. Now she's gonna send
her flying monkeys after me.
276
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,005
-And now you're off speaker.
-Schneider!
277
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:13,141
Oh, my God.
278
00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:15,978
Anyway... [sighs]
279
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:17,765
I appreciate you helping me out.
280
00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:19,652
Ah, it's cool.I had to get out of my apartment.
281
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:21,809
Stick Girl is still up there.
282
00:16:23,525 --> 00:16:26,065
I called her an Uber this morning.
The guy never showed.
283
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,652
Maybe it's a sign.
284
00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,242
Should I marry her?
285
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:31,873
Schneider, I gotta go.
286
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,076
Okay, now I'm worried.
287
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,831
She's never not been home
when the kids get there.
288
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,174
And plus, she's 70.
289
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:40,958
One wrong move and she's down.
290
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:44,132
You know, the entire world is
one giant, wet bathroom floor.
291
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,550
-[stutters] Any idea where she could be?
-No, none.
292
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,473
Huh...
293
00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:54,011
Where would a devout Catholic woman go
294
00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:58,101
after an argument with her daughter
about religion?
295
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,935
[scoffs] Thank you, Dr. Berkowitz.
296
00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:03,774
Thank you.
297
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,611
But we need to answer the question.
298
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,661
[sighs]
299
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:23,997
Hi, Mami.
300
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:30,013
So, you just assumed I was here?
301
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:35,676
Because I'm an ignorant,
old woman married to prayer?
302
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:41,345
But... you are here.
303
00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:47,231
Still... you shouldn't stereotype.
304
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,532
-Hi, Birdie.
-[chuckles]
305
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:56,156
She is such a suck-up.
306
00:17:57,076 --> 00:18:00,996
She thinks she's tan fancy
because her four grandsons are altar boys.
307
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:01,910
Guataca.
308
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,169
[scoffs] Move over.
309
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:07,751
-Ah-ah!
-Oh!
310
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,142
[sighs]
311
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,224
So...
312
00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:19,271
have you been here all day?
313
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,098
Getting decorating ideas?
314
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,611
No...
315
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:33,149
I have been riding around this morning
in something called el Uber.
316
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,573
Oh, wow. That must've been expensive.
317
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,909
Schneider set it up. I think it's free.
318
00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:41,504
[laughing]
319
00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:43,748
Oh, I think that car was for Stick Girl.
320
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,171
Oh, her.
321
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:50,882
Mami...
322
00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:56,089
I feel terrible about our argument,
but we gotta talk about some things.
323
00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:57,177
Okay.
324
00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,759
But you must keep your voice down,
325
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:03,847
because you-know-who
just put in new batteries.
326
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:14,574
So... I may have overreacted last night,
327
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,494
but you have to understand,
I'm not gonna be a mom for much longer.
328
00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:20,954
Elena is having her quinces.
329
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:23,115
Alex is already using hair gel.
330
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:25,544
And, you know,
soon they're gonna be out of the house.
331
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:29,457
I just... I need you to give me
more space to parent.
332
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,375
I understand what you are saying.
333
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,762
-[crying] Don't put me in a home.
-What?
334
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,177
What, Mami? No, no.
I wouldn't... I'm not gonna do...
335
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,733
I would never do that.
I would never do that!
336
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,388
-Ever.
-[mumbles]
337
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:47,516
-Oh, no?
-No!
338
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,494
I would never put you in a home.
339
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:03,908
-Mami, where is this coming from?
-[sighs]
340
00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:05,535
Your abuela... [sniffles]
341
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:08,211
Berto's mama, used to live with us...
342
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:12,209
And all day long,
she would slice onions...
343
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:17,170
the most beautiful paper-thin onions.
344
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,718
I remember.
345
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,721
Nobody could slice an onion like Abuela.
346
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,103
Well, it's not that hard.
You need a sharp knife, that's all.
347
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:28,311
But it made her feel useful.
348
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,188
Problem was, we hated onions.
349
00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:35,324
So, one day we told her.
350
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,112
The next week, dead.
351
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,236
Oh...
352
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:42,448
that's terrible.
353
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:43,453
I know.
354
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,906
I still get teary when I...
355
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:49,326
[stutters] slice an onion.
356
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:51,792
[sobbing]
357
00:20:55,296 --> 00:21:00,756
Mami, you are the glue
that holds our home together.
358
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:04,762
Without you, we'd be on the street
living in a cardboard box.
359
00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:06,887
[sighs] You're just saying that
to cheer me up.
360
00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:08,484
-No.
-[sniffles]
361
00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:11,019
I'm really not.
We need you.
362
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:14,360
So, Mami...
363
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:19,447
could you make me un cafecito
in the morning for the rest of my life?
364
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:20,648
[sighs]
365
00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:24,204
[sniffles] Claro.
366
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,873
[Birdie] Aw...
367
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,633
She is like a bat!
368
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:40,128
Shall we?
369
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:42,218
Yes.
370
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,551
And we'll be back Sunday, anyways.
371
00:21:45,762 --> 00:21:47,932
Yeah, you know,
we'll talk about that later.
372
00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:49,885
We'll talk...
What's to talk about?
373
00:21:49,976 --> 00:21:52,596
Well... [stutters and chuckles]
374
00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:55,396
I'm just not sure I wanna go to church...
375
00:21:56,357 --> 00:21:57,437
[softly] Maybe ever again.
376
00:21:59,193 --> 00:22:00,443
What?
377
00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:04,162
She said she didn't want to go to church.
378
00:22:07,493 --> 00:22:09,163
-[dinging]
-Mami!
379
00:22:09,245 --> 00:22:10,695
Don't do that!
380
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:13,332
Mami, por favor, vámonos ya,
381
00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:15,075
-please!
-You go on.
382
00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,337
I will pray for your eternal soul...
383
00:22:18,129 --> 00:22:20,129
And then call el Uber.
384
00:22:25,136 --> 00:22:26,756
[all] Hi!
385
00:22:28,389 --> 00:22:30,769
Welcome home, Lupita!
386
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:34,016
We already started,
387
00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:36,813
but I insisted nobody say
anything interesting till you got here.
388
00:22:36,898 --> 00:22:38,818
Aw, that's so sweet.
389
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:40,149
It's been weird.
390
00:22:41,903 --> 00:22:43,203
Did you find Abuelita?
391
00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:44,819
Yeah, she's with Jesus now.
392
00:22:44,906 --> 00:22:46,906
-[Elena and Alex] What?
-[Penelope] No, no!
393
00:22:46,991 --> 00:22:49,951
Sorry. She's at church.
Uh, poor choice of words.
394
00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:52,156
[stuttering] Um, church.
395
00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:55,579
Uh, whoa! What do we have here?
396
00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:57,666
Oh, nothing special,
just some nutted quinoa,
397
00:22:57,751 --> 00:22:59,631
wilted broccolini
with radish micro-greens,
398
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:01,301
and venison carpaccio on a bed of nettles.
399
00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,260
Grab a cedar plank and dig in.
400
00:23:05,676 --> 00:23:07,926
Big change from Abuelita's cooking, huh?
401
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:09,965
You like it?
402
00:23:14,851 --> 00:23:16,771
I can't wait to have eaten it.
403
00:23:18,897 --> 00:23:22,527
I didn't think I would like nettles.
And I was right.
404
00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:26,410
Well, I'm competing with perfection here.
405
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:27,738
It's okay, Schneider.
406
00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:30,873
We all thank you
for this very Caucasian meal.
407
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:35,119
And good to see you again,
Elena's best friend, Carmen,
408
00:23:35,206 --> 00:23:36,456
you beautiful weirdo.
409
00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:40,537
I'm sorry things got crazy
the other night.
410
00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:41,877
That's... that's not us.
411
00:23:41,963 --> 00:23:43,343
Seems like us.
412
00:23:44,340 --> 00:23:46,630
We have all kinds of arguments
in my family.
413
00:23:46,717 --> 00:23:50,297
I have two brothers.
One's a priest, one's a witch, so...
414
00:23:58,187 --> 00:24:02,227
I am... really glad
I'm getting to know you better, Carmen.
415
00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:03,606
[door opens]
416
00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:05,282
Hello!
417
00:24:05,361 --> 00:24:07,451
-[Elena] Oh!
-[Schneider] Oh, thank God!
418
00:24:11,575 --> 00:24:13,655
I am so glad you're home.
419
00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:15,914
I was wilting under the pressure
to be you.
420
00:24:15,997 --> 00:24:18,497
Oh, hello, babies.
421
00:24:18,582 --> 00:24:22,092
I'm sure you did fine.
Who threw up on the table?
422
00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:26,586
What were you doing all day?
423
00:24:26,673 --> 00:24:29,893
Oh, you know, saying my Rosary,
424
00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:32,599
praying for the departed souls...
425
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:35,965
Asking forgiveness for your mother.
426
00:24:36,850 --> 00:24:38,980
-Mami.
-Why?
427
00:24:39,061 --> 00:24:40,441
Oh, didn't she tell you?
428
00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:43,821
She's no longer going to church. Ever.
429
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:45,399
We can do that?
430
00:24:47,153 --> 00:24:48,493
You can't.
431
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:50,320
We will all go together. Us.
432
00:24:50,406 --> 00:24:52,526
Your mother will go hiking with Satan.
433
00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:57,616
Yeah, and then we'll go to Applebee's.
434
00:24:57,704 --> 00:25:01,254
'Cause Satan loves
the Fiesta Lime Chicken!
435
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:06,841
So, I guess you want
to take my grandchildren to hell with you.
436
00:25:07,756 --> 00:25:09,086
I don't wanna go to hell.
437
00:25:09,175 --> 00:25:10,505
There is no hell.
438
00:25:10,592 --> 00:25:12,932
Don't worry, papito, there is.
439
00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:16,515
Okay! You... you really wanna do this?
440
00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:19,188
All right, let's do this.
441
00:25:19,268 --> 00:25:23,518
I am not even sure
I even believe in God, okay?
442
00:25:23,605 --> 00:25:24,765
[all gasp]
443
00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:26,611
Hardcore.
444
00:25:29,695 --> 00:25:31,485
Oye, you're so smart.
445
00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:34,776
If God doesn't exist,
who made all of this?
446
00:25:34,866 --> 00:25:35,906
Target.
447
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:41,325
Okay, can we agree
that if there is a God,
448
00:25:41,415 --> 00:25:44,035
it's gender-neutral,
not a he or a she?
449
00:25:44,126 --> 00:25:47,246
No! God is a man.
450
00:25:47,338 --> 00:25:49,968
If he were a woman,
there would be less problems.
451
00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:53,425
Pobrecito God. He tries so hard.
452
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:58,143
Look, Mami, I get it.
You like going to church. It's habit.
453
00:25:58,224 --> 00:26:01,814
You put on lipstick, you get dressed up,
you see your friends, you gossip...
454
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:04,983
"Oye.La nieta de Olguitita got new tetas."
455
00:26:06,940 --> 00:26:09,780
It's your little social club, Mami,
and that's fine.
456
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:12,240
It is more than that.
457
00:26:12,613 --> 00:26:15,573
I pray. I seek forgiveness.
458
00:26:15,657 --> 00:26:17,867
And I am so glad
that that gives you comfort.
459
00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:20,621
But that doesn't mean
that God exists, okay? I'm sorry.
460
00:26:22,664 --> 00:26:23,834
He kept you safe.
461
00:26:25,084 --> 00:26:28,424
Every day that you were gone,
he kept you safe.
462
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,841
My little girl says
she wants to go in the Army,
463
00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:34,842
and then the Army sends her to Afghanistan
464
00:26:35,344 --> 00:26:38,894
where she is getting shot at
and I don't even know what else...
465
00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:41,976
Have you any idea...
466
00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:44,404
how much I worried?
467
00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:47,521
When you were deployed,
468
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:50,606
I went to church every day
469
00:26:51,152 --> 00:26:53,902
and I prayed that he would keep you safe.
470
00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,277
[sniffles] And he did.
471
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:00,700
So don't you tell me about God.
472
00:27:01,662 --> 00:27:04,582
I know that God exists.
473
00:27:07,292 --> 00:27:08,462
And he is great.
474
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:15,930
[sobbing]
475
00:27:19,263 --> 00:27:20,933
Mami, I'm sorry.
476
00:27:22,015 --> 00:27:24,635
-Perdón. Lo siento.
-[sniffles]
477
00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:26,984
I had no idea.
478
00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:29,942
You know, you went missing for one day
479
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:31,533
and I was worried sick.
480
00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:36,237
I can't imagine what it must feel like
to worry all those years.
481
00:27:37,072 --> 00:27:39,782
Ay, sí.
All those years putting up with Birdie,
482
00:27:40,742 --> 00:27:44,162
with her terrible hairdos
and her smelly bad breath.
483
00:27:45,706 --> 00:27:46,996
[sobbing]
484
00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:50,036
-Look...
-[sniffles]
485
00:27:50,126 --> 00:27:51,626
I still wear the cross you gave me.
486
00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:54,012
[gasps] So you do believe.
487
00:27:54,089 --> 00:27:57,009
No, I don't wear it because it's a cross.
488
00:27:57,092 --> 00:27:59,262
I wear it because you gave it to me.
489
00:27:59,345 --> 00:28:02,595
I don't understand the difference,
so please just let me have this.
490
00:28:02,681 --> 00:28:04,351
-Okay.
-[both sobbing]
491
00:28:07,978 --> 00:28:09,768
So, are we going to church or not?
492
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:16,360
Yes. Wait, no.
Wait... Sometimes, okay?
493
00:28:16,445 --> 00:28:17,895
-Sometimes, okay?
-Yeah.
494
00:28:17,988 --> 00:28:20,948
Well, at least...
at least Christmas and Easter. [sniffles]
495
00:28:21,033 --> 00:28:23,583
And one other time,
so we are not those people.
496
00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:28,918
And I'm not saying God doesn't exist.
497
00:28:28,999 --> 00:28:32,539
In fact, I check in with him
constantly, you know, like,
498
00:28:32,878 --> 00:28:35,708
"Please, God, don't let Elena
come home with a face tattoo." [exhales]
499
00:28:38,174 --> 00:28:41,554
And, Mami, I am glad
that you find comfort in church.
500
00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:44,224
I just find it in different places.
501
00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,810
You know, once in Afghanistan...
502
00:28:47,601 --> 00:28:51,361
I came out of 20 hours of surgery,
and I was so tired.
503
00:28:52,273 --> 00:28:56,243
I went into the break room
and Serena Williams was on TV.
504
00:28:58,487 --> 00:29:00,317
She was so focused.
505
00:29:00,405 --> 00:29:02,735
She was making these impossible shots.
506
00:29:02,991 --> 00:29:06,291
[stutters] And I just kept thinking about
everything that she had to go through
507
00:29:06,370 --> 00:29:07,950
to get to where she is.
508
00:29:08,038 --> 00:29:11,248
All the hours of sacrifice,
all the practice.
509
00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:14,304
And then I just felt like, "Okay...
510
00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:17,917
if she can do that, then I can do this."
511
00:29:20,551 --> 00:29:23,261
That's how I feel when I watch John Cena.
512
00:29:24,263 --> 00:29:26,933
Yes. Exactly.
513
00:29:27,015 --> 00:29:31,555
[stuttering] Exactly.
Or Sonia Sotomayor... or Death.
514
00:29:34,940 --> 00:29:38,610
Everyone has something that inspires them.
515
00:29:40,571 --> 00:29:41,781
Yo entiendo.
516
00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:47,660
[clicks tongue] I also... play Nintendo.
517
00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:53,463
[alarm beeps]
518
00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:55,672
[Latin music playing over stereo]
519
00:30:06,555 --> 00:30:07,925
[mouthing]
520
00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:36,170
-Good morning.
-[both] Morning.
521
00:30:40,171 --> 00:30:42,011
[music continues playing]
38797
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