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1
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:07,755
[theme song playing]
2
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,755
Okay, Carl,
3
00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,808
-your blood pressure looks good.
-[machine beeps]
4
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,311
Now we're gonna do the thing
where I ask you
5
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:00,982
some basic health questions
and you lie to me.
6
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:01,901
Okay?
7
00:01:03,606 --> 00:01:05,646
Alcoholic beverages per week?
8
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,153
Two, maybe three.
9
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:10,819
Why you lying to me, Carl?
10
00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:13,412
Would you also like to lie to me
about smoking?
11
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:14,950
I stopped smoking.
12
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:18,703
Carl, the mouthwash works,
but the shirt smells like...
13
00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,081
Virginia Slims?
14
00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:23,290
They make my hands look bigger.
15
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,340
I'm not gonna write that down
on the chart.
16
00:01:29,632 --> 00:01:31,972
Dr. Berkowitz will be here
in a minute, okay?
17
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:34,510
Hey, uh, what's that picture?
Is that Halloween?
18
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,809
Oh, no.
I think this was closer to Christmas.
19
00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:39,766
But you're wearing army clothes.
20
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:41,482
Yes, I know.
21
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:44,649
The camouflage look
was all the rage in Afghanistan.
22
00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:48,608
You went to Afghanistan for Christmas.
23
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,323
I'ma give you a sec.
24
00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:56,195
-Oh!
-There you go!
25
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,834
-Let me ask you--
-No, I never killed anyone.
26
00:01:58,911 --> 00:02:00,951
Yes, it was hot over there.
You're welcome for my service.
27
00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:02,078
Anything else?
28
00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:05,044
Well, I was just gonna ask you,
is your husband also a badass soldier?
29
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,375
Oh, yeah, he was.
30
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:09,249
-[gasps] Oh, my God, I'm sorry!
-[laughs] Oh...
31
00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:12,417
No, he... he was a badass soldier,
32
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,587
but now he does private security
in Afghanistan.
33
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,176
But any... anyways, we're separated.
34
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,637
So, you're single. [chuckles]
35
00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,393
Yeah.
36
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:24,274
Actually, I was just about to go home
and make dinner for my kids.
37
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:25,853
Single mom.
38
00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:28,149
Well, this was fun.
39
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,452
Alex.
40
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:35,985
Alex, help.
41
00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:44,869
Papito, let's go!
You know I got a bum shoulder.
42
00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:46,206
I need help over here.
43
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:56,255
Thank you.
44
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:57,683
Next time I'll Skype you.
45
00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:14,355
We have a problem.
46
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,203
I know.
The hipsters have discovered Porto's.
47
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:20,491
Line around the block
is like the freakin' Apple Store now.
48
00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:22,076
Mom!
49
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,410
And this one,
I don't like her anymore.
50
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,504
I don't care if you like me.
51
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,543
Sounds like you're both
on the same page.
52
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,207
Your daughter does not want
to have a quinces.
53
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,546
What? Why?
54
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:37,471
We already booked the room,
and I found a great band!
55
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:39,590
Okay, it's a deejay.
56
00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:41,297
Okay, it's your brother
with an iPod and a playlist,
57
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,058
but it's a very good playlist.
58
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,230
I researched
the history of quinceañeras
59
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,268
and found out
they're totally misogynistic.
60
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,862
She's been reading again.
Why do you let her read?
61
00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:53,823
I know, Mami. I let her do math, too.
I'm a monster.
62
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:58,110
By the way, they made me captain
of the debate team today at school,
63
00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:00,656
but all she wants
to talk about is this.
64
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,951
She has to have a quinces.
65
00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:07,075
How else will we know the day
that our little girl becomes a woman?
66
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,294
You missed it.
67
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,083
I was 12, I was in gym,
68
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,457
and ironically,
it happened in first period.
69
00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:21,300
You are throwing away your Cuban heritage.
70
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:23,180
Yeah, the bad part.
71
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,973
I don't want to be paraded around
in front of the men of the village
72
00:04:26,058 --> 00:04:29,308
like a piece of property to be traded
for two cows and a goat.
73
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,354
Someone thinks they're worth a lot.
74
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:37,149
What century do you two think you're in?
75
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,110
I mean, Elena, relax.
It's just a fun party.
76
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,907
You know,
I'll have a little too much wine,
77
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:44,120
embarrass you
while I sob during my toast,
78
00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:47,081
uh, Abuelita will dance inappropriately
with one of your guy friends--
79
00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,542
You can count on it.
80
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:52,880
I'm not doing it.
81
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:56,090
You need to do something
about this little sinvergüenza.
82
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,051
What does that even mean?
83
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,261
It means...
84
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:02,757
that you do not know enough Spanish
to know that I'm insulting you.
85
00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:06,676
Oye...
[speaking Spanish]
86
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,480
-Ha!
-[speaking Spanish]
87
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:12,059
-[laughs]
-Abuelita...
88
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,605
[in English] I'll learn more Spanish
when you learn English.
89
00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:19,026
I know the English.
90
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:24,914
Besides, your abuelo, God rest his soul,
did not marry me for my mind.
91
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:29,663
Who do you think you're insulting?
92
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:32,671
Good one, Mom.
93
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,039
By the way, what are the last 16 digits
of your credit card?
94
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,047
Uh, what are you doing?
95
00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,339
Are you shopping?
'Cause who said you could shop?
96
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,342
You said I could order
sneakers for school.
97
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:43,715
[laughs] Five pairs?
98
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,142
Monday through Friday.
99
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,682
Don't worry,
I don't need weekend sneakers.
100
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:48,894
[chuckles] Oh, well...
101
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:52,194
I can't have my son walking around
in Monday sneakers on a Saturday.
102
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:54,189
Somebody might call child services.
103
00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:57,023
Mom, I'm serious.
104
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,937
I'm in middle school now.
How I look kinda matters.
105
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,987
Okay, so you can buy
one pair for under $40.
106
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,110
Forty?
107
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,487
That'll get you perfectly good sneakers
to last the whole year.
108
00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,325
The whole year?
109
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:12,331
Okay, Mom, I know we're not rich,
but are we poor?
110
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:16,961
No, we're... fine.
111
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,844
-That sounds like poor.
-We're not poor!
112
00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,131
I mean, look around!
113
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,673
We have a TV, a refrigerator.
You have a laptop.
114
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:24,337
These are things that poor people have.
115
00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:27,047
We have an air conditioner.
116
00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:28,427
You never let us turn it on.
117
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:31,473
The point is you could, but don't.
Don't ever touch that thing.
118
00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:37,864
All right, it's Friday night.
Family dinner time. Come on, let's go!
119
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,530
Elena, come set the table!
Alex, help me make a salad.
120
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:43,858
This meat was heavily discounted,
so I need to cook it before it turns.
121
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:47,736
You guys already ate, didn't you?
122
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,575
She made ropa vieja.
123
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:50,909
I'm not made of stone.
124
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,872
Mami, I told you this morning
that I was gonna cook tonight.
125
00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:56,787
I thought it was a joke!
126
00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,674
And I thought it was hilarious.
127
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,756
Sorry, Mom.
Do you want us to sit and watch you eat?
128
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,090
No. [chuckles]
129
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,639
We'll just start next Friday.
130
00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:09,009
-Okay?
-Okay.
131
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,176
-All right.
-Sounds good.
132
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:13,603
So, there is some ropa vieja
in the mantequilla thing
133
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:17,023
if you don't want to eat that...
sad meat.
134
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,395
I bought it, I'm eating it.
135
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,821
-Okay.
-[pipes groaning]
136
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,567
Oh, yeah, that's not working.
137
00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:27,533
Don't worry, I told Schneider.
138
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,624
Here's some hand sanitizer.
139
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:30,869
And here...
140
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,791
-I don't need lipstick.
-Yes, you do.
141
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:33,909
Okay.
142
00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:37,791
You know how much
I appreciate your help,
143
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,344
but you have to let me
establish my own traditions.
144
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,208
[bangs table] I agree.
So let's talk quinces.
145
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,415
Ay, Mami, ya!
I don't wanna force her.
146
00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,666
You know, this is all on me now.
I wanna handle it right.
147
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:48,640
You know...
148
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:53,848
a father would make sure
that his little girl had a quinces.
149
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:55,931
You really wanna go there?
'Cause I'm holding a hammer.
150
00:07:56,977 --> 00:08:00,307
I'm just saying, maybe when Victor
comes back, you can work it out.
151
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,607
Remember when we all moved in together
and you said,
152
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:04,990
"If you ever want me to go away,
just say, 'Go away.'"
153
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:05,898
Yeah.
154
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:08,991
Oh!
155
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,237
[speaking Spanish]
156
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,655
[banging]
157
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:21,962
[banging stops]
158
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:35,811
[coughs]
159
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,279
[Lydia in English] You're welcome!
160
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,204
[knocking on door]
161
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,287
Schneider!
162
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,367
Well, you grew out that mustache, huh?
163
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:04,748
Yeah, I finally took the plunge
and went full handlebar.
164
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,336
Feelin' really good about it.
165
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:09,382
I feel like it says, "I mean business."
166
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,546
Yes, if your business is taming lions.
167
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:13,925
Oh, wait! I have one more.
168
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:15,682
You're 40 and you look stupid.
169
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:16,973
[sighs]
170
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,137
I knew it!
171
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,390
[groans]
172
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,478
[laughs] What? Is... That's fake?
173
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,323
Yeah, I'm not gonna grow a real one
until I know if people like it.
174
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:30,279
And I'll have you know,
I was invited to several pride parades.
175
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,581
Please tell me you're here to fix my sink.
176
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,159
Yeah, fine!
177
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,209
-Ooh, that's a cool hammer.
-Uh, careful.
178
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,541
That's very expensive Damascus steel.
179
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,837
Ah, so we've got
two fancy tools up in here.
180
00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,012
No, come on.
Come on! No.
181
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,641
You know you're the only non-Latino
I trust to fix stuff.
182
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:57,258
Oh, is that racist?
Oh, who cares, it's just us. [chuckles]
183
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:58,967
-[speaks Spanish]
-[in English] Yeah, don't do that.
184
00:09:59,056 --> 00:10:00,426
I regretted it as soon as I said it.
185
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,401
It's no problem.
I can get that done by tonight.
186
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,228
Maybe after dinner.
What's your mom cookin'?
187
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,569
You've really been
eating here a lot lately.
188
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,992
Yeah, I like it, too.
189
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:16,074
Can you believe it's only been
10 months since you moved in?
190
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,368
I remember 'cause I got
my five year sober chip
191
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,831
and your mom baked me that cake.
192
00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:22,501
Oh, I remember, yeah.
I'm sorry it was a rum cake.
193
00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,495
I enjoyed watching you guys eat it.
194
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,550
Oh, by the way...
195
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,795
looks like you accidentally
threw these out.
196
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:33,721
-I found 'em in the trash.
-Hmm.
197
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,180
Wonder how they got there.
198
00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:40,008
Hey... listen, you can tell me anything.
199
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:44,188
There's a landlord-tenant
confidentiality clause in your lease.
200
00:10:45,187 --> 00:10:46,437
No, there isn't.
201
00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,901
Okay, there's not,
but I really wanna know what's going on!
202
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:54,903
Fine. They're anti-depressants
that Dr. Berkowitz thought I might need,
203
00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:56,947
but he doesn't know
what he's talking about, so...
204
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,161
Yeah, it sounds like he
really cares about you.
205
00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:00,412
What a dick!
206
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:04,374
I don't need them,
and I have to get them out of here
207
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,166
because if my mom finds 'em,
it'll be, [inhales deeply]
208
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:09,339
[imitates Lydia] "Ay, Dios mío,
she's a junkie like the Amy Winehouser."
209
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,053
Yeah, so, I will, uh...
210
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:17,471
I'll just get that washer
and we'll get that thing fixed right up.
211
00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:20,562
Oh! Hello, Schneider.
212
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,234
Hola, señora.
213
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:26,059
[laughs]
214
00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:28,103
Oh, you shave out your mustache.
215
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:30,727
-What, you liked it?
-Oh, yes. It made me laugh.
216
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:34,743
Elena!
217
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:35,819
[speaks Spanish]
218
00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:37,953
-[in English] Come out here, honey.
-What's up, Abuelita?
219
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,870
Okay, listen, uh... [clears throat]
220
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:43,159
I know you got issues
with the quinces, but--
221
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:44,445
-All right...
-No, no, no. No, no.
222
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,367
-[sighs]
-But I am going to show you something...
223
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:50,917
that I think might change your mind.
224
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,264
This could be you.
225
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,560
Mommy, please, put those away.
I hate those pictures. Burn it!
226
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:12,108
Oh, hey! The quinceañera.
You're doing it!
227
00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:13,979
Elena, I knew you'd come around.
228
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,606
She didn't! She thinks
she's being sold into slavery.
229
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,074
That's not really part of it, right?
230
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:21,702
You know what?
Let me talk to her. [grunts]
231
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,833
I've been doing some outreach
down at the rec center,
232
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,080
talking to at-risk youth.
233
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,871
No, I don't think you should do that.
234
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:28,075
Hey, girl.
235
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:32,382
How you livin'?
236
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:38,171
Your abuela wants to throw you
a sick kick-back on a Saturday night.
237
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,297
You know, keep it hundred.
238
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:42,758
You down?
239
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,759
What's happening right now?
240
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,928
Schneider, she's gonna do it.
I got this.
241
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:51,687
You know what, Captain Debater?
Let's debate this.
242
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:55,111
But we're not doing a regular debate.
It's gotta be that thing I saw you do
243
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:58,531
where we argue the opposite side
to better understand each other.
244
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,781
You mean a Lincoln-Douglas debate?
My specialty?
245
00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:04,784
I once successfully
argued against gravity, so...
246
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:07,947
Ooh, I'ma take my earrings off...
247
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,503
'cause it's about to go down!
248
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,343
[grunting playfully]
249
00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,591
[Elena clears throat]
250
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:24,135
The issue before us
is quinces or no quinces.
251
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:25,561
Okay...
252
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:27,389
so I'm you.
253
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:29,727
[imitates Penelope] Mmm, listen kid!
254
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:33,860
A quinces is just about the village
celebrating that you're a woman,
255
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,518
which I know you know 'cause
you're the smartest one in the family!
256
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:39,398
[laughs] Oh,
I got better moves than that, right?
257
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,146
[all] Eh...
258
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,911
But village isn't literal.
259
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,041
It just means your family
and your friends.
260
00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:49,158
So, what's so bad
about this modern village
261
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,455
coming together to celebrate you?
262
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,169
-Oh, yeah! She's good.
-Oh.
263
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,999
Oh, my money's on her.
264
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,884
[chuckles] You guys
wanna start takin' bets?
265
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,301
Actually, scratch that.
I'm addicted to gambling.
266
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:02,625
Okay, now I'll be you.
267
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,136
[imitates Elena] Oh, my God!
268
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:10,932
Do you even hear yourself?
Seriously!
269
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:15,517
Your argument is that my adulthood
has to be approved by your friends?
270
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:16,693
Pass!
271
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:23,109
Well, I'm not gonna clap for that.
272
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:29,492
[in Spanish accent] So you want
to crush my heart into pieces...
273
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:34,461
after I worked so hard
to give you an opportunity
274
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,421
in this land of the free
and home of the brave?
275
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:40,671
That's not me, that's her.
276
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:45,474
You make me sound like I have an accent.
277
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:52,096
[clears throat] Let's end this. Elena,
278
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,943
you wrecked your first communion
because, as a vegetarian,
279
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:58,110
you wouldn't eat the body of Christ.
280
00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:01,029
You even refused
to take any pictures with Santa
281
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:04,818
because your abuelita wouldn't admit
that Christmas is a pagan ritual.
282
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:09,334
Jesus and Santa were cousins.
Everybody knows this.
283
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,577
So, when it comes to your quinces...
284
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,535
I'm pleading with you.
285
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:23,551
Can't you do this one thing
for your mother who loves you?
286
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,261
Okay, Mom, I'll do it.
287
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,144
[all gasp]
288
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:31,311
Wait, what?
289
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:34,599
I'm saying, you win!
290
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,904
You should have a quinces
like you just proved.
291
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,149
[all laughing]
292
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:42,651
Dang! Mami set you up!
293
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,323
I didn't realize how right I was.
294
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:46,992
She said a bunch of stuff
I didn't even think of!
295
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:48,321
[laughs]
296
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,494
Mami, [speaks Spanish].
297
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,996
Okay, this was stupid!
I'm still not having a quinces.
298
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:57,329
Oh, God, just accept it.
You're Cuban, you're 15,
299
00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:59,674
you're gonna have a big party,
with a poofy dress and a bad photo.
300
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:00,751
It's what we do.
301
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,921
[speaking Spanish]
302
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,344
-[screams]
-[door slams]
303
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,262
[in English] She can speak Spanish.
304
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,602
Mrs. Doyle is in exam room three
305
00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,767
and I swear to God, if that vieja
calls me Maria one more time...
306
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,486
Mrs. Doyle has Alzheimer's.
307
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:27,609
Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
308
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:30,315
Hey, I'm messin' with ya.
She's just racist.
309
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:38,119
What's going on with you today?
You're... you're all on edge.
310
00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:42,080
I had to put my foot down with Elena
about her quinces, and...
311
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,998
I'm not sure if I did the right thing.
She wouldn't talk to me all weekend.
312
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:47,418
Oh, don't worry. It gets better.
313
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,007
Eventually they leave.
314
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,974
[groans] It's just all on me now.
315
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:56,885
Oh, yeah, every move you make
is fraught with peril.
316
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,524
Is this gonna be the one
that scars them for life?
317
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:02,902
And in my case,
the answer was always yes.
318
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:09,152
Well, it's just a lot of pressure
and sometimes...
319
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:12,532
I don't know.
320
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,490
Did you ever take those--
321
00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:18,247
No, no. I threw them right in the trash.
It's fine!
322
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,909
There's just a lot going on right now.
323
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,328
But it's more than that, right?
324
00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:25,547
You were talking to me
about nightmares--
325
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:26,878
I know what I said.
326
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,591
Look, if...
327
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:34,969
if you had something wrong
with your heart,
328
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,564
and I gave you some medicine,
you would take it.
329
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,560
So why wouldn't you
do the same with this?
330
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:41,942
Yeah.
331
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:46,228
But to be fair, I probably wouldn't take
that heart crap either.
332
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,355
[chuckles]
333
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,651
I mean, as a nurse,
I would totally recommend it,
334
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,065
but as a Cuban, I suffer in silence.
335
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,699
A silent Cuban?
Hey, I'd like to meet one of those.
336
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:59,371
[laughing]
337
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:06,786
-And she's a teenager, right?
-Right.
338
00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:08,918
At least I'm safe for another year
with the little one.
339
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:10,045
[cell phone chimes]
340
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:13,087
-Oh! Your phone telling you things.
-Oh, yeah.
341
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,681
Alex ordered some sneakers for school.
342
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,852
I get an alert
every time a package is delivered.
343
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,140
[cell phone chimes repeatedly]
344
00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:24,483
How many feet does that kid have?
345
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:32,357
Hey, so, for the quinces,
is there any way I can get a plus three?
346
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:35,994
Currently in a bit of a...
lady-juggling situation.
347
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:40,871
No, I promised you to Consuelo. [laughs]
348
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,583
Now, she has a good mustache.
349
00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:47,747
Just kidding. [laughs]
350
00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:51,013
It's not that good.
351
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:55,639
Alex.
352
00:18:56,927 --> 00:18:57,757
Alex!
353
00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,175
He can't hear you!
354
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:01,773
-[door closes]
-He is possessed by the YouTube.
355
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,938
-I can explain.
-[Penelope] Really?
356
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:11,532
You can explain how one pair of sneakers
magically became five?
357
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,609
Because that is some
Jesus crap right there.
358
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:19,873
Sorry I said Jesus
so close to the word crap.
359
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:28,419
Mom, this family's been through a lot,
and I felt like I needed to provide...
360
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,090
because I'm the man of the house now.
361
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,974
Oh, that's why you bought
five pairs of sneakers?
362
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,429
That's why I bought
no pairs of sneakers.
363
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,929
Oh, he's into magic now? [laughs]
364
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,142
Can I be your assistant? [laughs]
365
00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:44,643
No, I will become the focus.
366
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:49,314
Free returns, Mom.
367
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,936
I can order any pair I want,
wear them a couple of times.
368
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:55,034
As long as I keep them clean,
I can send them right back.
369
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,741
I know you wanna be mad,
but that's genius.
370
00:19:58,155 --> 00:19:59,485
No, it's not.
371
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,703
Alex, there's no way
you can keep all these sneakers
372
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,124
-clean enough to send back.
-Oh, no?
373
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:07,117
Oh, so, it's six pairs of shoes?
374
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,536
Okay, what about the bottoms?
You've been walking around all day.
375
00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:14,464
Oh, you're right, Mom.
376
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:25,266
I mean, you gotta get him
on Shark Tank or something.
377
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:30,266
No. No, this ends now.
It's like you're stealing.
378
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:32,774
Exactly!
It's like I'm stealing.
379
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,227
No, you're not
charming your way out of this.
380
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,437
I said one new pair.
You disobeyed me.
381
00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:39,198
Now, you get no new pairs.
382
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,740
No, you know what?
Now, you get Elena's old sparkly ones.
383
00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:45,325
With the multicultural princesses?
384
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:47,325
No!
385
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:51,254
Lucky for you, she never wore them
'cause they were too gender-specific.
386
00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:54,747
She did like that they were diverse.
387
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:57,512
I'm not wearing those.
388
00:20:57,589 --> 00:20:59,879
I still don't understand
why I can't buy these.
389
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:02,047
Don't you have more money
now that Papi's gone?
390
00:21:02,136 --> 00:21:03,296
[scoffs] What?
391
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:06,677
Well, you have a job,
plus Papi gives you money, right?
392
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,306
So that's, like, double money.
393
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:12,152
Sit down.
394
00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:14,269
-[sighs]
-Let me talk to him.
395
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,436
-Hey, little man... Okay.
-Out!
396
00:21:18,861 --> 00:21:21,361
Yes, your papi gives me money,
397
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,157
but it's for the basics,
and it's not a lot.
398
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:27,741
But he's absolutely doing his best,
and he will always be your papi.
399
00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:30,999
But make no mistake,
when it comes to money,
400
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,332
I'm your daddy.
401
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:35,803
Tomorrow, these all go back.
402
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,841
-Everything okay?
-[sighs]
403
00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:42,215
I need you to sign my test.
404
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,351
Yes, everything is fine.
At least you're talking to me now.
405
00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:47,757
It says you got a D.
406
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:49,179
I know.
407
00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:51,596
This is social studies. You love this!
408
00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:54,265
Yeah. I guess I didn't try
409
00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:57,395
because I don't need an education
now that I'm gonna be chattel.
410
00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:03,606
And without schoolwork, I have more time
to plan my magical quinces. So...
411
00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:08,372
[sighs] Ay. Okay.
412
00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:09,292
Enough.
413
00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:14,328
Yes, you keep that up,
and you will not have a quinces.
414
00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:15,875
Wait...
415
00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:20,463
I can't believe you.
416
00:22:21,048 --> 00:22:24,968
You know how hard I bust my ass,
by myself, to send you to that school
417
00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:26,722
so that you can have
more opportunities than I did.
418
00:22:26,803 --> 00:22:28,643
Then you... you pull this crap?
419
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:31,851
I can't even look at you right now.
Just go to your room.
420
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:36,358
You keep saying that
421
00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:40,068
you want me to be this strong,
independent woman like you.
422
00:22:40,151 --> 00:22:42,821
And then, when I tell you that
I don't want to be a part of something
423
00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:45,364
that I think is
a misogynist cultural ritual,
424
00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:47,487
you tell me to shut up, do it anyway.
425
00:22:48,492 --> 00:22:50,292
[scoffs] So which is it, Mom?
426
00:22:55,958 --> 00:22:57,828
Lupita, are you okay?
427
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:06,010
Ah, you're like me.
428
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:08,803
You get upset and you clean.
429
00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:15,811
Wait, wait a minute.
Wait, what... what is that?
430
00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:17,444
It's an anti-depressant
that I'm gonna be taking.
431
00:23:17,521 --> 00:23:18,691
-[gasps]
-So just deal with it.
432
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,942
That is your answer? Drugs?
433
00:23:22,026 --> 00:23:24,356
Okay, open your mouth
and spit it in my hand.
434
00:23:25,947 --> 00:23:27,817
I haven't even taken it yet!
435
00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:30,987
And it's okay, Mom.
It's something that helps.
436
00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:33,287
But do you even see
everything that's happening now?
437
00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:36,330
You don't need drugs.
You need your husband.
438
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:37,825
Oh, God, stop it!
439
00:23:37,916 --> 00:23:39,626
Stop. Victor is not the answer.
440
00:23:39,710 --> 00:23:43,010
I know you didn't want him
to go back to Afghanistan,
441
00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:44,339
but he's making money.
442
00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:46,013
He's being a good provider.
443
00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,052
There are jobs here
where they don't shoot at you.
444
00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:50,175
We live in America, name one!
445
00:23:51,888 --> 00:23:54,308
It's not just the job,
and you know that!
446
00:23:54,391 --> 00:23:57,481
-It's not like he cheated on you.
-It's not the only thing that matters.
447
00:23:57,561 --> 00:24:00,691
We are Cuban.
We don't get divorced, we die.
448
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,110
Don't you think I miss him?
449
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:09,107
You think I like being alone?
450
00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:13,664
I wanted to do this with somebody.
That was the plan.
451
00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:15,624
Family dinners, and inside jokes,
452
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:18,754
and one of the kids says something cute,
and you share a look.
453
00:24:18,832 --> 00:24:23,052
And even right now to be able to say,
"Okay, they're insane, we're not."
454
00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:26,173
A partner.
455
00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:29,051
[voice breaking] Someone to love.
Someone...
456
00:24:31,345 --> 00:24:32,755
someone in your bed.
457
00:24:34,515 --> 00:24:37,265
You know, since Victor's gone,
I don't sleep.
458
00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:40,814
Because he used to spoon me to sleep.
So, yeah, Mom...
459
00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:42,606
I miss the good stuff.
460
00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:46,398
Sometimes you just need somebody
to give you a hug
461
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:48,235
and say, "I got you."
462
00:24:56,828 --> 00:24:58,208
I meant a man.
463
00:25:01,417 --> 00:25:03,747
I am very strong.
464
00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:05,625
I've been doing my yoga.
465
00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:09,089
I got you.
466
00:25:19,726 --> 00:25:20,726
[sighs]
467
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:25,573
[Penelope] Hey.
468
00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:28,940
The ladies be looking at your feet.
Something's wrong.
469
00:25:29,028 --> 00:25:31,278
Am I right?
470
00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:34,158
I'm sorry.
471
00:25:34,866 --> 00:25:37,366
Nah, I think I can make these work.
472
00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:41,373
Or, I noticed you bought a pair
for under 40 bucks,
473
00:25:41,457 --> 00:25:42,707
which means you did the right thing
474
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:44,961
before you did the many,
many wrong things.
475
00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:47,343
Really? Oh, thank you!
476
00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:48,841
I was trying to be brave,
477
00:25:48,922 --> 00:25:51,222
but even the nuns
would've made fun of me.
478
00:25:53,344 --> 00:25:56,224
Listen, you don't have to worry
about being the man of the house.
479
00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:58,385
First of all, we don't have a house,
so there's that.
480
00:25:59,850 --> 00:26:01,810
You just be
a twelve-year-old boy, okay?
481
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:03,023
Okay.
482
00:26:03,104 --> 00:26:04,274
And you're right,
483
00:26:04,355 --> 00:26:06,515
I shouldn't worry too much
about what's going on down here,
484
00:26:07,107 --> 00:26:09,067
when I got so much going on up here.
485
00:26:10,319 --> 00:26:12,739
Ah! [laughs]
486
00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:15,121
Puberty's gonna hit you like a train.
487
00:26:20,370 --> 00:26:21,210
Hey.
488
00:26:22,289 --> 00:26:23,209
Hello.
489
00:26:24,917 --> 00:26:26,537
So there's been a lot of yelling.
490
00:26:27,544 --> 00:26:28,884
Okay, it was mostly me.
491
00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:34,303
But I hear you...
and you don't have to have a quinces.
492
00:26:34,385 --> 00:26:36,595
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
493
00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:39,138
Yeah, and this is not because
of that crap you pulled with the test.
494
00:26:39,223 --> 00:26:42,023
You do that again and I'll put
my quinces tiara on you while you sleep,
495
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,440
and post it to your Instagram.
Don't test me.
496
00:26:46,522 --> 00:26:47,362
Okay.
497
00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:51,689
Look, I get the whole misogynist thing.
I do.
498
00:26:52,778 --> 00:26:56,738
But I hate to tell you lots of good stuff
has started for dumb man reasons.
499
00:26:57,658 --> 00:27:00,868
Yeah, like, marriage used to be
a way to pay off debts.
500
00:27:01,036 --> 00:27:02,576
Plus, women were being raped everywhere,
501
00:27:02,663 --> 00:27:04,423
so you'd marry your daughter off
to some guy and say,
502
00:27:04,498 --> 00:27:06,828
"Okay, he owns her now.
No raping this one."
503
00:27:11,672 --> 00:27:13,882
My point is we've made progress.
504
00:27:14,675 --> 00:27:17,085
I didn't know
you were such a feminist, Mom.
505
00:27:17,844 --> 00:27:21,474
I can assemble a rifle in 13 seconds.
I'm a total badass.
506
00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:22,767
How are you missing this?
507
00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:27,559
[chuckles] I'm sorry, it's just
a lot of times you sound like a mom.
508
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:29,516
Yeah, well, I am one.
509
00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:33,531
And there is a part of me
that buys into that cheesy
510
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:35,990
"my little girl
is becoming a woman" thing,
511
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:37,861
because you're not
a little girl anymore.
512
00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:43,334
That is super weird. [sighs]
513
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,503
If I'm being honest with myself,
I was making your quinces about me.
514
00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:55,547
I guess I wanted people
to show up and say,
515
00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:59,512
"Look at the amazing single mom
pulling it all together by herself."
516
00:28:01,263 --> 00:28:03,013
I know. It was dumb.
517
00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:08,978
It's not dumb. They're dumb.
518
00:28:09,980 --> 00:28:11,480
-Who?
-The people.
519
00:28:12,065 --> 00:28:14,105
No, there's no people,
that's just a thing that I said.
520
00:28:16,153 --> 00:28:17,653
No, I'll do it.
521
00:28:18,154 --> 00:28:21,744
All I wanted was a good reason why,
and you just gave me one.
522
00:28:22,576 --> 00:28:23,826
Oh, my God, really?
523
00:28:23,910 --> 00:28:26,540
[laughing] That is so great!
524
00:28:26,622 --> 00:28:29,542
We'll... we'll do the whole thing.
The ceremony, the stupid waltz.
525
00:28:29,625 --> 00:28:31,705
We're gonna show them
what single mothers can pull off.
526
00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:35,053
I will dress like a child bride
for you, Mom.
527
00:28:38,759 --> 00:28:41,139
Okay, now I feel like I
should talk you out of it. [chuckles]
528
00:28:42,012 --> 00:28:43,852
Yeah, but I won't. I won't.
529
00:28:43,931 --> 00:28:48,441
Your abuelita, she can be a broken record,
but she taught me life can be tough.
530
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,185
So when you get something to celebrate,
you take it.
531
00:28:51,272 --> 00:28:52,612
Then take photos.
532
00:28:53,774 --> 00:28:55,904
Photos I'll use to scare your children.
533
00:28:55,984 --> 00:28:57,574
Oh, I'm not having children.
534
00:28:59,696 --> 00:29:00,606
Not today.
535
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,463
[exhales heavily]
536
00:29:24,388 --> 00:29:25,218
Move over.
537
00:29:25,306 --> 00:29:26,306
What?
538
00:29:27,974 --> 00:29:29,064
What are you doing here?
539
00:29:29,142 --> 00:29:31,442
-I'm going to spoon you.
-No.
540
00:29:32,354 --> 00:29:35,524
-Yes, move over.
-Mami, no!
541
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:37,107
-Okay, shh!
-No!
542
00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:39,822
-You're gonna like this. It's very nice.
-No, don't do it.
543
00:29:39,903 --> 00:29:42,703
-Oh, yes, see? See?
-[sighs]
544
00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:55,002
[both] Mmm.
42088
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