Original subtitles

Sorry I'm late, love.

That's all right.

This is what you get when people start working from home.

See you next week.

How am I doing, Susie?

You have a performance drop of seven percent compared to yesterday.

Keep pushing hard.

-Best driver in town. -Gonna need a hand, mate.

-Damn. -These things don't get any smaller.

Bugger.

Orgasm complete.

-I'm sorry about the mess. -No problem.

The usual?

God.

Lovely, darling.

-Hope you enjoy it. -Thank you.

-What's your name, darling? -Peggy.

Peggy? Oh, that's a beautiful name. I used to have a cat called Peggy.

-Enjoy.

And to what pretty name am I dedicating this?

It's a birthday gift. Her name's Angela.

Her name's Angela?

Well, I hope Angela enjoys it.

-Hello, mate. -Hello, big fan.

Oh, good, good, grand.

Hey.

You just signed a gift for a friend.

You guys always say that: "For a friend."

-You don't believe me. -No.

Do you think she'd prefer bath oils?

-What would you prefer? -The thing is: I don't like plastic.

Shall I call you an Uber?

Goldfinger…

Good morning people! It's your boy Adam Kowinski.

It's another beautiful day in a beautiful city,

and have I got news for you!

Now, believe it or not, yesterday I had the prototype

for the brand new XT-5 dangling around my loins.

In a nutshell: This thing rocks!

Now firstly, this is as real as it gets.

Secondly, the toy also reacts to the movement of your hips.

And if you throw in some extra pounding, you get a bit more bang for your buck.

Not to mention: A free workout.

I'm sure you guys love training thighs and tight arses.

Speaking of tight arses, the jeans I'm wearing:

Now you guys can get these bad boys with a 15% discount at Lola's.

Just use the code: "Adam sent me."

That's all for today guys, signing off.

And do not forget: I love you all. Peace.

Hi everybody, and welcome to the 'Art of Love' Tester Conference!

Now please, give it up for our beloved host,

Mister Hector!

Three months ago, I had a vision.

A vision that we, all together, could improve love lives worldwide.

Yes, brother! That is something worth cheering for.

Because today, I'm gonna give all you lovely people,

all you valued members of our big, happy family

something to really cheer for.

The "Art of Love."

The "Art of Love!"

Today is the day we say goodbye to the sex toy,

and we say "hello" to the love toy!

Three years ago, the UK government appointed a minister for loneliness.

Because according to a recent survey,

nine million people of all ages feel lonely and unloved.

And that, my family, is in England alone.

The love toy is the salvation!

So the love toy will not only fulfill your wildest fantasy,

the love toy will love you for who you are.

And with the love toy,

youwill never be lonely again.

In six months' time,

we will present the ultimate love toy at the Venus Conference in Berlin!

Have you tested "Adam’s Pleasure" by any chance?

-"Adam’s…" what? -"Adam’s Pleasure."

He's got his own signature line. Those things have his exact dimensions.

My wife says he's the best she's ever had.

Right.

For those of you who have been with us for a while,

you'll know that each year,

as a company, we pay special tribute to outstanding achievements.

So, this year, the "Art of Love" Award

goes to a person who supports our cause with incomparable dedication and loyalty.

For six years running,

this person has amassed more test hours than all of us!

Ladies and gentlemen, go mad for,

give it up for Mister Love himself, Adam Kowinski!

Well done brother, you deserve it.

Keep up the good work, I'm very proud of you, okay?

So now, this year, I'm gonna be super cheeky

and give out a second award!

The second award goes to a person who understands human longing

and sexual fantasies…

like no other.

Not only has she extensively tested the toys

but she has provided them with a soul.

Her test reports are beautiful.

In fact, they are so beautiful

that we have used them as product descriptions on our packaging.

And this has resulted in an overwhelming increase in sales!

And she's been with us only for five months, already a rising star.

Ladies and gentlemen, make lots of noise, give it up for Eva Parker!

Welcome to the family, darling.

Now our A-team here will play a major role in the development of our new love toy.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the war on loneliness has well and surely begun!

Now, this is just the beginning.

So we'll talk next week,

but I want you two to go and celebrate, okay?

Ah, yes?

Well, one size fits all…

Hey, this is Hector, can't take your call, you know what to do.

Hey Hector, it's me,

if you could call me back ASAP to explain to me

what it is exactly I'm supposed to be doing with this, ah, boomer.

I'd really appreciate it.

Yeah, and if I don't hear from you then I will see you at the gym.

All right. Talk soon.

Hey, sorry love. Sorry, I'm a bit late.

-My boss, ah, he wanted me to, you know… -It's okay.

This is quite a place.

I got a bonus.

Really? What for?

Ten year anniversary gift.

Well, at least they appreciate what you do.

-Where's the meat? -Oh, it's vegetarian.

No meat? How can you open a restaurant and not serve meat?

Well, more and more people are going vegan, you know?

Yeah. Well, I wouldn't trust them.

Seems you pay just as much for all the trimmings without the meat.

For god's sake!

We've not been out in eight months!

Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to, you know…

It's just…

Oh, dear.

-We need to get away.

You know we can't do that.

I couldn't go through all that again, love.

But they won't kick you out for having a holiday.

Well I just don't think it's a good idea to travel

whilst I'm still taking the meds.

It's not medication, it's homeopathy.

And you've not had trouble sleeping for five months now, love.

Don't worry.

We'll work it out.

Hi! I'm Claire. From next door.

You're on my balcony.

It's my balcony, too.

I was wondering if you could do me a quick favor.

You realize you got a bath in your apartment, don't you?

Yeah, I've noticed.

You like having a bath, obviously.

Oh, actually, stop.

Ah…

Um, let's just leave it here for now, I'll drag it in in the morning.

Are you sure?

Yeah, thanks.

Good night then.

Good night.

Is this where we're supposed to meet?

Did he tell you about this whole love toy A-team idea?

No, he didn't.

-Morning. -Hello.

Third bike in a year? Get that for free, too?

-Was this your idea? -What?

Teaming up with…Maude.

-No, it was the boss' idea. -What?

Do you really expect me to work with…that?

You'll survive. You might even like it. Mr. Love.

Please excuse the inconvenience. Ingenuity comes at a price.

Here we are. The marvel we're flying to Berlin with.

The basis is a haptic suit with electrostatic adhesion.

Meaning, you can touch what you see. You can feel what you touch.

When you are touched, you feel it.

You are virtually in the middle of the experience.

We've equipped this model with an emotions processor.

In other words, this toy has a high artificial intelligence.

Your job is to feed it with real-life emotions

and behavior patterns.

Like comforting someone, being comforted, flirting, falling in love, et cetera.

-Falling in love? -You'll find everything in the manual.

We hit the market with the men's version first.

The gap is closing in but the market is still significantly bigger

in the virtual reality sector.

-Quelle surprise. -Save the best until last.

The hardware for the women's version will be ready by the end of the year.

Based on a survey, we're going to be focusing on

the ten most popular love fantasy partners for men.

Which are:

Fitness trainer, nurse, masseuse, yoga teacher, nanny, room service,

secretary, and the neighbor's wife.

God.

We are currently

working on different design options for the packaging.

Hey, boss. Yes, I've just talked them through it.

They both love it!

Listen, I don't want to sound like a prick or anything

but I don't think I can do this.

-My reputation is at stake. -And my marriage is at stake!

Okay, so let's not do it then.

I mean this whole love team idea is stupid anyway.

You know, just for the record, you're not my type either.

Oh, am I not? Good!

Because I don't want to talk about love with you, let alone sex!

I mean look at you.

-What is it? -Nothing.

What am I to you?

Oh, sorry, my love.

-What? -What am I to you?

What…

You're the love of my life.

Do you remember the little puzzles you used to make me?

You'd sneak into our bedroom while I was brushing my teeth

and leave them on the pillow.

I loved that.

The solutions were always the special places we've been together.

Do you remember?

Yeah.

You got to let me in again.

Look, I'm just tired, love.

Let's take a break. It's been four years!

-You know we can't do that. -Yes we can!

-You can sell that bloody picture! -Look, we've talked about this.

Your grandmother's dead! She wouldn't care.

-Hector, we don't need her! -Yes we do, and I want you to apologize.

For what? She's older than fucking Madonna!

-Have you read her test reports? -No!

She's the sex industry's answer to Shakespeare!

And her vivid imagination translates into sales.

So pull yourself together!

So what am I, just a guy in the fucking spandex?

Yes!

You're the guy in the spandex, and you should be proud.

You're the face of this company and you're gonna be the face of this toy.

Adam. We've come a long way together.

You and I are carved out of the same piece of wood.

We bend for no one.

I trust you like a son, I need you to trust me, Adam.

Berlin is just the beginning.

I mean your face is gonna be on all the posters,

you are gonna to get anything you ever wanted.

Ah, man.

Are we alike.

-Huh.

Adam, what are your plans for your birthday?

-I'm gonna take you out.

-You gonna take me out, really? -Yeah.

We'll have a proper celebration.

-I'll see you out there. -Yeah, see you in a minute.

-I'm sorry about what I said. -I know.

-It wasn't very nice. -It's fine.

Well I can't tell my husband I'm testing sex toys

with the king of cocks when I get home, can I?

It's this way.

-Where do I put this? -On your temple. It reads your thoughts.

-What? -It's what it says here.

Go get the rest of your kit.

-Oh, lord.

-What? -It's big. The screen.

Welcome. Please select a love scenario.

Let's go with the physiotherapist.

Good choice, please wait.

Building love experience.

Building complete.

Adam, there's someone at the door.

Morning. Sorry to keep you waiting.

I just need to quickly check through your file

before we begin physical inspection.

It's okay, darling.

What am I supposed to do now?

Tell her what to do. Well, think it, I mean.

Take over her voice by saying "speech control."

-Just get her to do something. -Like what?

I don't know. Make me horny. Do something hot.

Do whatever it is that Hector loves about you.

-And why are you whispering? -Oh, this is ridiculous.

I don't know what to do!

What's the matter with you?

She's just code, she's just bits and bytes!

Don't be such an arrogant shit!

Does this seriously make you horny?

Restart.

Morning.

-Morning. -Restart.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Restart.

I just quickly need to check through your file.

-Restart.

Morning.

-Can I be honest? -Hm.

It might be a generational thing

but I think we have a very different understanding of romance.

You don't say.

You need to start thinking outside of your underpants.

Oh, I need to start thinking outside of my underpants?

That's very interesting, actually.

Because I'm not wearing any underpants, and do you know why?

Because my cock is stuck inside of a genital box!

-Yeah. How's that for romance? -You're missing out.

If you do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

So you're firing inspirational quotes at me now?

You just need to be yourself.

-I don't think I want to do this anymore. -Try harder!

It's just bloody bits and bytes, you said so yourself!

Come on, up you get! I need that money, so get over here.

Speech control.

Hi, how are you?

-I thought you'd never ask. -Ask what?

How I am. You never do.

I saw you at a club a few days ago. Dancing with another woman.

Can you get out of frame? You're ruining the romance.

Oh, sorry.

I saw you at a club a few days ago. Dancing with another woman.

The way she touched you made me jealous.

I watched you for a while, studied your body.

It helps me understand how to treat you.

-Move. -Move what?

Dance with me.

I don't know…

Relax.

Better?

I don't know.

I don't think I can stay professional.

I need a drink. I'll be next door.

Hey, you can't just leave me like this! What about my orgasm?

Join the club!

-Are you okay? -Oh. Yes, I'm fine, thank you.

-Do you live here? -No, I'm just visiting.

I get dizzy spells sometimes.

Thank you.

-Listen… -I don't want to talk about it. Not now.

What do I say to my husband? I can't even look at him.

-It's virtual, what's the big deal? -Does that make a difference?

I have been married for 30 years, I have never been unfaithful.

Faithful? You didn't cheat! We didn't touch, we didn't have sex!

But we had a moment!

-We didn't have a moment! -Yes we did!

No, I had a moment with the physiotherapist, at best.

I've got to go.

I'll get that.

Ah. Thank you.

Whoa. Steady.

-You've got my number. -Correct, see you tomorrow!

-Exit is that way. -Oh yes, sorry.

Hi.

-Hi. -I was worried about you.

Where you?

Are you drunk? You are drunk. I can smell it.

What's going on? What the hell is going on?

-Are you okay? -I got a promotion!

-What? -We had a little celebration.

Right well… you should have called. You know?

-I'm not sorry. -Oh, you're not?

So what's this career boost all about?

Ah, look, can we talk about it in the morning? Just, just…

Just be proud of me!

Well, I am.

-I love this game. -I know you do.

Oh!

Good evening, gents!

Aaron! Good to see you.

This must be him.

Finally.

Hector's been hiding you.

You have to protect your best assets, right?

-Haven't seen you here in a while. -Too much on my plate, Aaron.

I heard.

Have a good game, boys.

Who's that?

Aaron Levinger, top-notch investor. Super rich.

I've been working on him for the last couple of months

trying to get him involved in our cause.

Some nuts need a little more to crack.

He's here every Thursday.

He's been asking about you. He obviously fancies you.

But I take care of you. No one messes with my boy!

I mean, everyone has their limits, right?

As to how far they would go for the good of the company.

What might apply for me, might not apply for you, right?

Watch this!

There they are! It's already midnight.

Happy birthday, mate!

I love you. Yeah?

-Hi. -Hey.

You know I have a door like everyone else, right?

You don't have dental floss by any chance?

Last time. Promise.

I've only got waxed.

Anything works.

It's a pity, I really missed out on jazz. Got to catch up.

Is this guy any good?

It's nice.

Nice?

It's unbelievable.

Listen to the way he shapes the space between the notes.

The way he tells a story without any words.

-Have you ever played yourself? -Yeah, when I was a kid.

Didn't have any talent, so…

My parents used to play music like this.

Especially on a rainy Sunday.

Mom would burn toast,

and nobody would utter a word while the music was playing.

Out of respect for the musicians.

That's what my dad used to say.

That's the only thing I took with me when I moved out.

What?

I was just wondering who you are.

What do you mean?

You have a lot of records, but you don't listen to them.

You have over a million followers

but I never see anyone go in or out of your flat.

Except for an old lady in a London Underground uniform.

And you watch ice skating.

It's getting late.

Thanks for the tea.

And the floss.

No, no, no!

Hey!

-Adam. -Ah, this… you two.

-You're late. -Good morning to you, too.

So, you two test sex toys for couples.

-Well, no, no, no… -No!

I wouldn't necessarily say that. No no, we don't do that.

No, it's more research theory-based.

Yes, yes, it's experimental. Although not weird experimental.

And not physical or romantic, or…

Oh, no, no, I mean, we wouldn't do that. I mean look at us!

Yuck!

Sounds intriguing.

She googled you.

-Hey. -Is Eva there?

-Yeah, yeah, she's here now. -Can you come over? Both of you.

-What, you want us to come now? -Yeah.

-Okay. -Bye.

Have you ever ridden on the back of a motorcycle?

Any time before Christmas!

-On there? -Where else?

-It helps if I could breathe. -Oh, sorry.

Ah! Oh, it vibrates!

-Enjoy it while it lasts!

"Health, happiness, and success

depends upon the fighting spirit of each person.

The big thing is not what happens to us in life…

but what we do with what happens to us in life."

George Allen.

I love you!

Oh, fuck yeah.

So, we've analyzed the data from your first session.

Not surprisingly, we've already been able to register a six percent increase

in emotionality in the AI behavior.

So in a nutshell, we've had our first decent result!

Good job, both of you.

Well yes, it was insanely immersive. Great orgasm.

Good.

Ah, so we'll continue along the list.

Please prioritize nanny, yoga teacher, and nurse…

We've also had a special request

for a love scenario with a dental hygienist.

Nice.

I don't think this toy will work for women.

-What do you mean? -It's too mechanical.

Too straightforward.

Well that's why we have you, darling. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

So that first session left you completely unmoved? Hm?

Well that came as a surprise. The positive result I mean.

Why?

How they got a reading on emotional factor from that session is beyond me.

-What?

Why do you do this job?

-I saw an ad. -In amongst lots of other ads.

For the money, I told you. It's well paid.

So is being a nanny. Or a dolphin trainer!

What are you trying to say?

I think what we're doing here pleases you more than you're letting on.

-No, it doesn't. -Something about it fascinates you.

That is untrue.

That something makes you write passionate test reports,

that something made your pulse race during our test session,

-that something-- -You sound like Hector!

Hm.

-Are you all right? -Yes. No. Dark-haired, one o'clock.

-What did she do? -She was hot. I was not.

She got all the boys, I got constant reminders about my greasy hair.

Oh, I think it's payback time.

Go and talk to her.

Oh! Don't be ridiculous! It was a hundred years ago.

-Go and speak to hear. -Well, what do I say?

You'll think of something.

Hey! I'm here.

-For what? -Beat her up.

-Catherine.

-Eva Parker. -It's been a while.

Oh my goodness! Eva Parker.

-What is it, like 35 years? -Yeah, I guess.

You work for the tube? How nice.

Hey, babe.

Oh, sorry to interrupt. Do you guys know each other?

Yeah.

Secondary school.

A long time ago.

-Wild times. -For some.

Hm.

Well, I'm gonna go get the motorbike.

Uh, I'll see you in a minute.

Love you.

Is that… Adam Kowinski?

Yes. Do you girls use his dildo? I can get you one signed if you like.

You're dating Adam Kowinski?

Yes. It's funny how young men love a uniform.

Well, um, I'll see you around.

Hey!

You can't just kiss me in public.

-Why not? -Because…

Because… I'm married. And because you're 20 years younger.

-And because we're working together. -Oh, you didn't enjoy it?

I know loads of women who would have paid for a kiss like that.

-Oh, what, should I feel privileged? -Yeah.

You're really enjoying playing this Mister Love card, aren't you?

-Consider it an apology. -For what?

For being an arsehole when we first met.

Oh, so it didn't mean anything to you?

-Of course not. I was just messing around. -Yes, yes, no. I'm pleased to hear that.

-No strings attached… -No!

-No emotions. -Nope!

-Just friends. -Oh, colleagues, actually.

Yes, yes. My words.

As a colleague you wouldn't be free tomorrow, would you?

-Are you hungry? -What?

I made sandwiches!

-So how did you meet Hector? -White bread?

Tastes better than it looks.

Well?

It's a long story.

Hector helped me through a rough patch.

-A rough patch? -Mm. A rough patch.

Do you really live off what you earn from the company?

Yeah.

I mean the videos make decent money. Not to mention all the free shit I get.

-Have you ever seen any of my videos? -No.

-Seriously? -Yes!

All right. Watch this.

What's up, guys. Here's your boy Adam Kowinski

Here for yet another update on AOL products.

And today we are reviewing…

I don't get all this influencer stuff. Who or what are you trying to influence?

If you don't like my videos, you don't have to watch them.

No, I'm just saying.

You could use your influencer power to get a little more substance across.

-Substance? -Yes!

And I'd send that shirt back. It's way too tight.

Should we get going then?

Can you give me a minute?

Hey, come over here.

It's all right, I'm not gonna kiss you.

If you try really hard, you can see the Eiffel Tower from here.

It's amazing how horizons stretch when you're in love with someone.

Why are we here?

This is the place where he proposed…

…and I said yes.

Thirty years ago.

His name was Ben.

I wanted to know if I still feel anything in this place.

-So, did you feel anything? -Yes, I did.

Ben's a good man.

He'll come back to his old self again, I know he will.

We just need to get away for a while, like we used to.

Why don't you just leave him?

Maybe he's lost interest in me. I mean, look at me.

Oh, don't do that.

You got beautiful eyes… a contagious smile…

a cracking uniform!

And your imagination!

You must really know those toys. I don't even know how you do it!

Take our "ocean breeze" massage oil for example.

That story of that surfer on the beach that gives massages.

Want to trade a secret?

Well, I don't know, it depends.

What do you want to know?

The rough patch you mentioned earlier. When Hector helped you. What happened?

My parents died when I was 18.

-I'm so sorry. -Your turn.

Oh, no, no, no. I mean…

The past is the past.

-You promise you won't laugh? -Promise.

I've never used a sex toy in my life.

-You've never used a sex toy? -No.

I just make up the test reports.

-Not even "Vagina's Blossom?" -No.

-"Giggling Willy?" -No.

-You've not used "Big Ben?" -No!

Not even "Adams Pleasure."

No.

-Well that is so sad. -Sad?

Yeah, you should really try "Adam's Pleasure." You deserve it.

My husband is my sex toy.

What, the guy that falls asleep in front of the television every night?

I hope for your sake he at least vibrates when he snores.

Do you want to have some fun?

-Fun. Would you like some fun? -Oh, shut up!

Would you like some fun.

Come on!

-These jeans are really expensive. -I bet you didn't pay for them!

True.

Jesus Christ, will you get yourself over here?

-It's freezing! -Don't you ever have fun?

Oh. Says the women who's never used a sex toy.

I'm waiting, tough guy!

-Ah! It's freezing! -And it is fun.

No, it genuinely is freezing.

-Hi. -Hey.

-Are you moving out? -Just visiting a friend.

Oh.

-Do you need any help with your bags? -Ah, I'm almost done, thanks.

But, since you're here…

Would you mind watering my cacti while I'm away?

Cacti?

Aren't they supposed to survive without water for a couple of days?

Not mine.

-Sure. -That's sweet. Thanks.

Here.

Oh!

-I'll be back on Saturday. -Okay.

-Thanks again. -Yeah.

Hey…

Why did you knock on my balcony door the other day?

Because I needed help moving my bath.

Yeah.

Eh, but also because you're inspiring.

As a person.

I write poems. People are the source of my inspiration.

-See you around! -See you around!

Yes, I know we need more money.

I'm in negotiations with potential investors as we speak.