Original subtitles

♪ Aha ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Okay, um, the next band asked me

to read this.

"Caution. The Surgeon General of Rock

"warns that viewing this next band

is equal to 29 orgasms."

Here they are. Tenacious D.

♪ Climb upon my faithful steed ♪

♪ Then we gonna ride gonna smoke some weed ♪

♪ Climb upon my big-assed steed ♪

♪ And ride, ride, ride ♪

♪ What's the name of the song Explosivo ♪

♪ Don't know what it's about ♪

♪ But it's good to go ♪

♪ What's the name of my girlfriend ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ But she's built like the shit ♪

♪ And she's good to go, go ♪

♪ She's good to go she's good to go ♪

♪ We are fueled by Satan ♪

♪ Yes, we're schooled by Satan ♪

♪ Schooled by Satan ♪

♪ Writing those tasty riffs ♪

♪ Just as fast as we can ♪

♪ Fueled by Satan ♪

♪ We were the inventors ♪

♪ Of the cosmic astral code ♪

♪ We've come to blow you away ♪

♪ We've come to blow your nose ♪

♪ We've come to fucking blow ♪

♪ We've come to blow the show ♪

♪ We've come to fucking blow ♪

♪ You know it you know it ♪

♪ What's the name of the song ♪

♪ Explosivo ♪

♪ Don't know what it's about ♪

♪ But it's good to go ♪

I am not one of you.

I come from a distant time.

I am known

as the Angel Crusher.

These picks

that I give you

were molded in Satan's corner.

Take these picks.

They're souvenir Satan picks!

Explosivo.

Wait, uh, announcement.

I accidentally threw my special pick.

It's a clear pick. I can't play--

I can't play without the clear pick,

so could I get that back, please?

Goddamn it. Well, I don't know how to put this.

If I don't get the pick, show's over, so...

All right, I don't know who has the fucking pick,

but I hope you're happy,

because the show is ruined for everyone else.

No more D, buddy.

No more D. Fuck you.

Let's go, Kaginsky.

Fucking assholes.

Fuck you.

Tenacious D, everyone.

It's always, uh,

always something with those guys.

I got it!

No, it's a bottle cap.

Kyle, did you look underneath the bar?

Yeah. Nothing.

Okay, you guys, seriously, sincerely,

you have to get out of here. We're closed.

Look, tomorrow, when you're cleaning the floor,

if you find-- - We only clean on holidays.

Hi, Jack. Hey, Kyle.

Uh, I'm Lee. I've seen all your shows.

Kyle, you played your solo

a little different tonight, didn't you?

Yeah.

And Jack, you drank water tonight.

Usually, you have soda. Is your throat okay?

Yeah, it's, uh, fine.

We have to go. - I'm your biggest fan.

I created a website for you guys.

I transcribed all your song lyrics.

I compiled a list of Tenacious D's favorite things.

Kyle, you love Jenny Craig macaroni and cheese,

and Jack, you play video golf.

Okay.

Whoa.

Look, it's very nice that you like the D,

and we're glad you had the opportunity to meet us.

However, now we have to

bid you a fond adieu

and resolve the evening for its best tidings.

Oh, hey, Jack, Kyle.

I think I have something for you guys.

You found the pick!

Dude, we're back in business.

Yeah.

This dude is total stalker-azzi.

He's full love knife material.

- Love knife? - Yeah.

They get in close, too close.

"Man, I love you guys so much.

I have to show you."

And then, you're bloody all over,

but they think you're doing, like, a good thing.

Guys.

Okay, listen.

I just need a picture of the D for the website.

If you guys give me your address,

I'll be glad to pick it up.

Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do.

You give us your address,

and we'll be happy to mail it to you.

That'd be great!

Here.

Thank you.

Check out the website. - Yeah, we'll get right to it.

Hey, in fact, maybe we'll sprint home

so we'll get there sooner.

How did he find out where I was born?

He's kookaburra, that's how.

Enough about you. Let's look at my page.

We already did!

I know, but maybe something's changed.

Hey.

You know what we should do?

Yeah.

Give this kid the double-dip,

cream dream thrill ride of his life.

- Hello? - Hey, Lee.

Hey. - Hey, buddy.

Here's that picture you wanted.

And some backups.

Oh, cool.

It's late.

All right.

I'm gonna go back to sleep.

You know, work in the morning.

Lee is so awesome.

Yeah.

You have 33 messages.

Lee, what up? It's the D.

So cool hanging with you last night.

You want to come over and play some video golf?

Call us back, broseph.

Lee rules!

Message number 13.

Lee. Lee!

It's KG.

Meet me and JB

at Los Burritos for some rude chowder, dude!

- Lee blows doors down! - See ya!

Message number 29.

Lee, it's Kage and Jables. We're still waiting for you.

Are you okay? Where are you?

We called all the hospitals!

You're not in any of them!

Lee!

Dude! Dude!

Hey, Lee. - Hi.

Hi.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Did someone hurt you?

- No. - Oh.

Why did you guys break through my window?

The door's been locked all day!

Jack, don't!

Don't lay your trip on Lee.

Lee likes to dictate the pace and tempo

of every conversation. - Don't tell me about Lee.

I know more about Lee than you do.

Lee likes mashed potatoes,

not French fries.

Oh, listen to you.

"Lee likes mashed potatoes, not French fries."

Anybody like Lee

doesn't want to hear your opinion.

What did you just say? Aha!

Aha! - What? What? I said--

You said, "Anybody like Lee?"

There's nobody like Lee.

That's so funny.

You think there's a million Lees out there?

That is so rich.

Okay, okay, let's ask Lee.

- Lee. - Lee.

both: Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee. Lee.

♪ Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ Lee ♪

♪ Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ We're talking fucking Lee ♪

♪ I had a friend named Lee ♪

♪ He cast a spell, a spell on me ♪

♪ If me and Lee and KG could be three ♪

♪ We're flying free tenaciously ♪

♪ Skinny dipping in a sea of Lee ♪

♪ I'll propose on bended knee ♪

♪ To Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ Lee, Lee, L-L-L-Lee Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ If Lee could be ♪

♪ With me and KG ♪ - ♪ That's me ♪

- ♪ We'd be free ♪ - ♪ We'd be free ♪

- ♪ Plant a tree ♪ - ♪ Plant a tree ♪

- ♪ Just for Lee ♪ - ♪ Just for Lee ♪

♪ Lee ♪

♪ Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee ♪

♪ Lee ♪

Lee?

Why are you crying?

You guys are scaring me.

You're sick,

and...

I hope that you never get well.

I mean,

I've never been loved so much,

and it feels so good.

Thank you!

♪ With me and KG, yeah ♪

♪ We're going to sing ♪

♪ A little song about a few special things ♪

♪ Special things ♪

♪ Talking special things ♪

♪ Like when a friend gives a friend ♪

♪ A helping hand ♪

♪ Helps his little buddy to understand ♪

♪ That's a special thing ♪

♪ A very special thing ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Take it, JB. T-take it.

♪ I hate to interrupt the thing ♪

♪ That Lee was singing about him and KG ♪

♪ Special thing ♪

♪ What do you think this is ♪

♪ Tenacious D 3-D ♪

♪ No, no, no, no ♪

♪ Like when KG hits a tin-cup shot ♪

On a Genesis golf. ♪ Tin cup ♪

♪ That's a special thing ♪

♪ It's a special thing ♪

♪ Or when KG ♪

♪ Pops in Jenny Craig mac and chee-- ♪

♪ And hands it to me ♪

♪ That's a special thing ♪ - ♪ Very special thing ♪

♪ It's a special thing ♪

♪ Now one and one and one is three ♪

♪ A rare occasion for life's ♪

♪ Triple D ♪

♪ KG, JB, and me ♪

♪ KG, JB, and Lee ♪

♪ KG, JB and me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Now that's one special thing ♪

- Hey. - Hey.

Jack, where are your shoes?

On your fat fucking feet.

Oh, dude, are these yours?

Sorry.

They're kind of loose on me, though.

What are you saying, my feet are fat?

Hey.

Go on a foot diet.

Worked for me.

Why don't you go on a whole body diet?

I am.

Starting with my feet.

Come on.

Okay, um, the next band asked me to read this.

"Attention.

"If you're ovulating,

"move away from the stage,

"because this band is so potent,

just sitting near them can get your pregnant."

Here they are. Tenacious D.

♪ We've been sent ♪

♪ To issue all you people here ♪

♪ A warning ♪

♪ I'm not at liberty to say ♪

♪ The details of a most peculiar warning ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Suffice to say ♪

♪ All you people here ♪

♪ Are in grave ♪

♪ Danger ♪

♪ So come on ♪

♪ Through the skies he flies ♪

♪ He doesn't know the reason why ♪

♪ But he flies ♪

♪ So high ♪

♪ You know that it's true ♪

♪ Lot of times when the elders they smile ♪

♪ An illusion and infusion ♪

♪ And intrusion and amusement park ride ♪

♪ Exploding brains ♪

♪ From Alzon to Zanzibar ♪

♪ To the shores of ye old rustic Chinook ♪

♪ Decimating the competition ♪

♪ Leaving in their wake the blind ambition ♪

♪ Come along children ♪

♪ And rock, get it on ♪

♪ In whatever heinous realm that it squats ♪

♪ In whatever heinous realm that it squats ♪

♪ In whatever heinous realm that it squats ♪

♪ That it squats ♪

♪ That it squats ♪

♪ That it squats ♪

Thank you.

All right, we'd like to open up the floor to some Q and A,

so anyone who has some questions...

Okay, I'm gonna start if off myself.

Um...

Oh, here's one.

Uh, how do we write our songs?

Well,

we write what we know.

Right, we're reporters.

Stenographers.

We transcribe life

and put a little melody under it.

You don't know what a stenographer is.

Yes, I do. I know what a fucking stenographer is.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

I don't know what a fucking st--

So who car-- What is it?

You don't know what a fucking stenographer is, homes.

Calling the kettle black.

Okay, ladies, why don't you take your tea party elsewhere?

All right, please give a warm hand for your next...

Yeah, yeah. Mission accomplished.

We made the audience our bitches,

and then we fucked their fannies hard.

We gave them a good clop in the chops.

Hey, guys, guys, guys.

Um, listen, could you take next week off?

Oh, do you think we need a break?

No, actually, I think that we need a break.

My brother's got this new club that he opened up,

and I promised him I'd throw him

some of my open mic-ers, so...

A gig?

No problem! - We're there!

Yeah, the thing is, it's out of town.

Road gig!

World tour.

I mean, it's not far.

You could probably ride a bike to it.

Um... Oh, and there's a cover charge.

Piece of the gate! Pro gig!

No, you'd actually have to pay the cover to get in.

It's still a fucking road gig!

I mean, if you got on our roof,

you could see it from there.

You know?

♪ The road is fucking hard ♪

♪ The road is fucking tough ♪

♪ There's no question that ♪

♪ It is rough, rough stuff ♪

♪ The road is a B-I-itch my friend ♪

♪ But it's the only road I know ♪

♪ When I'm snacking on a tasty boosh ♪

♪ Right after the show ♪

♪ G-G-Go, go, go ♪

Oh, fuck.

What?

Fucking shit on a brick!

God damn it!

We're out.

Man, I gassed up before we left.

Wiper fluid, Kyle.

Look at that fucking bug.

We'll never get that off.

Agh!

All right.

Hello, brothers.

Please, come in.

Mm.

Mm, mm.

Hello, wanderers.

Welcome to Jesus Ranch.

I am Liggaguie.

Uh, we're Tenacious D.

You're welcome to join us for a circle church.

W-what's that smell?

Oh, that.

The collected leavings of the brethren.

You mean your shits.

Our...cult has a simple philosophy.

Each time you produce a stool,

you part with a portion of your soul.

We save our droppings

so that when we die,

we may be buried with them

and be complete upon reaching

the next world.

Kyle, did you see that potato?

It's huge.

How'd you get 'em so big?

Our soil here is the richest in the world.

One of the benefits of living in our own waste.

Yeah.

What are the others?

Liggaguie.

Fly? Lalie? What is it?

Attention.

This is the county health department.

This property has been condemned.

Leave your shit behind.

Wash your hands,

and come out, now.

They've shut off the electricity and the plumbing.

No one leaves.

We all knew this day would come.

Laugh and rejoice.

Okay.

I'm sorry about the apocalypse,

but we've got a gig.

Everyone remain calm.

Come.

Gather in a circle

for a talent show.

♪ I know Jesus loves me ♪

♪ He loves me quite a lot ♪

What do you think?

Well, we could be here for a while.

Let's bring in the heavy artillery.

♪ I know Jesus loves me ♪

Go psychological on 'em.

♪ I know Jesus loves me ♪

♪ Changing water into wine ♪

♪ I know Jesus loves me ♪

♪ He loves me quite a lot ♪

♪ I know Jesus loves me ♪

♪ Changing water into wine ♪

♪ I know Jesus loves me ♪

♪ He loves me long time ♪

♪ I know Jesus loves me ♪

♪ He loves me quite a-- ♪

All guards on full alert.

Dude, we gotta get out of here.

We got a gig in 25 minutes.

We gotta do something.

Got it. Battle of the bands.

We fight their music with our music.

Or...

we dig a tunnel out of here.

Or we build a laser.

Kyle, laser construction.

Ballpark and figures with me.

Well, dude, we only got our guitars.

You know what?

I'm leaning towards battle of the bands.

Strap on, Kyle. Let's ride!

♪ We ride with kings on mighty steeds ♪

♪ Across the Devil's plain ♪

♪ We walked with Jesus and his cross ♪

♪ He did not die in vain, no ♪

What is that?

♪ We've run with wolves ♪

♪ We've climbed K2 ♪

♪ Even stopped a moving train ♪

They're playing music back at us.

♪ To rock this house again ♪

♪ Rock ♪

Kind of hooky.

Yeah, yeah, toe-tapping.

♪ We ride, we ride we'll never subside ♪

How'd he get it so loud without electricity?

♪ If you say that we do not ride ♪

♪ I'll tan your fucking hide ♪

♪ Ride ♪

They're leaving!

We've won!

You've saved us!

More tomatoes?

I do believe so, yes.

Mm.

Oh.

Life on the road, Kage.

Life on the road.

Hey, guys.

I got that, uh, wiper fluid for you.

♪ It was a big day ♪

♪ On Jesus Ranch ♪

♪ Jesus Ranch ♪

♪ He was harvesting a big tomato ♪

♪ It was in the sand all right ♪

♪ I'm taking a walk in the woods ♪

♪ And it's nice outside ♪

♪ Smells of shit ♪

♪ Liggaguie ♪

♪ Gligagiggagoogwayogo ♪

♪ I come upon a silver-striped mushroom ♪

♪ And I fa-la-la-la-ly ♪

♪ And I fly, fly ♪

♪ It was a big day ♪

♪ On Jesus Ranch ♪

♪ Jesus Ranch ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ I fell in love with a baked potato ♪

♪ That's when I started the dance ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ In France ♪

♪ I'm taking a walk in the woods ♪

♪ Fuck yeah ♪

♪ It's nice very, very nice ♪

♪ Smells of shit ♪

♪ Liggaguie ♪ gligagiggagoogwayogo ♪

♪ I come upon a silver-striped mushroom ♪

♪ And I fa-la-la-la-ly ♪

♪ La-ly ♪

♪ And I fly, fly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-ly ♪

♪ Ly-ly ♪

♪ And I fly ♪

♪ I'm gone ♪

♪ Yow ♪

I heard those guys somewhere before, I think.

Yeah?

I liked 'em.

Yeah, it's toe-tapping.

We survived that one in one piece, eh, Kyle?

Well, two pieces.

Kyle, did we wear the same clothes

through the whole episode?

Of course, Jack,

because the D washes with Explosivo,

that once-a-month detergent.

Explosivo. For that once-a-month clean.

Explosivo.

Go from this...

To this.

♪ I met a tasty baby in Michigan ♪

♪ We screwed two times then I left ♪

♪ Sometimes I think of my baby in Michigan ♪

♪ Why can't I stay in one place ♪

♪ For more than two days ♪

♪ Why ♪

♪ Because I'm talking about the road ♪