Original subtitles

Okay, um, up next,

these two guys have been here for the last couple weeks.

Um...

Um, they asked me to read this.

"Warning: If you want your asses blown out,

stay in the room."

Ladies and gentlemen,

Tenacious D!

♪ So all the ladies in the house say yeah ♪

- Yeah. - ♪ Come on ♪

♪ You motherfuckers, say a prayer ♪

- Prayer. - ♪ When you fight ♪

♪ You gots to fight fair ♪ - Fair.

♪ You motherfucker, oh, you motherfucker ♪

You know what time it is!

♪ Tenacious D time, you motherfucker, go ♪

♪ Fuck yeah ♪

This is a song called "The History of Tenacious D,"

and it's not just a list of things

that we've done in the past.

But it's also a chronicling

of our rise to power!

♪ We ride with kings on mighty steeds ♪

♪ Across the Devil's Plain ♪

♪ We've walked with Jesus and his cross ♪

♪ He did not die in vain, no ♪

♪ Kyle's fingers be silver ♪

♪ Jack's voice, then, be gold ♪

♪ But lest you think ♪

♪ We're vain ♪

♪ We know it's open mic night, we don't care ♪

♪ Tenacious D, we reign ♪

♪ We reign supreme ♪

Oh, God!

♪ For real supreme ♪

♪ And a chicken supreme ♪

♪ And a nacho supreme ♪

♪ Supreme, yeah ♪

Go now, Kyle! Go now, Kyle!

Supreme!

We rocked.

We rocked so hard.

Yeah.

We rock.

Screenmaster 5000.

Hey, this is Jack Black

and the Tenacious D hotline.

Leave a message.

Hey, Jack, Kyle, you there?

Okay, uh, this is Paul at the club.

Uh, great job the other night.

Um, we want to have you guys on next week's show.

But, uh, you guys gotta write a new song.

'Cause that one song you keep playing,

we've heard a lot.

So if you come up with a new song,

we'll see you in a week.

If not, don't come. Bye.

Where do songs come from?

Inspirado.

I mean, I could 23 skidoo you a song,

I could zip-a-dee-doo-dah you a song,

but that would be false.

It would be wrong.

Jack, come on. Let's just write a song.

I mean, you can't manufacture

inspirado.

It arises from a stillness, a quietude.

When your heart mingles with your soul,

and, oh, man, they do the dance.

The ancient--

I swallowed a bug.

Sometimes if you find a rhythm, that's it.

You've found the song.

Yeah.

Good.

♪ Oh, put some stank on it ♪

♪ Put some stank on it ♪

Ba!

Yeah.

We're taping, right? We're taping, right?

- Yeah. - We're taping, right?

Gotta sure we got this on tape!

Ah!

Always record, always record.

It looked like it was on.

Sometimes you just gotta clear your head,

and the song finds you.

"Rocket Sauce," take one.

♪ Rocket, rocket ♪

♪ All of my rocket sauce ♪

♪ All of my fucking rocket sauce ♪

♪ All of my rocket sauce ♪

♪ Hey! Rocket, rocket all of my rocket sauce ♪

♪ All of my... ♪

Dude, that's the ice cream song.

I know, I know.

Sometimes, you gotta leave your zone of safety.

You have to manufacture inspirado.

You gotta get out of the apartment.

You've got to run with the wolves.

You've got to dive into the ocean

and bite with the sharks.

Or just treat yourself

to a delicious hot fudge sundae with nuts.

Let's kick it!

I'll say, "Kick it!"

And you'll just kick it with a tasty groove, okay?

One, two, three, kick it.

Kick it, come on.

God damn it! God! Kyle!

Could you one time kick it?

What the fuck?

Jack, don't put it all on me.

I've been sitting here, waitin'!

Okay, we've got a crucial,

Clutch Cargo gig coming up,

Kyle, you cocksucker!

You don't give a shit!

And I've been sitting around

getting sick of your attitude, you fucker!

You fucking bitch!

I don't think I like your attitude.

You fucker!

You know what? I quit!

Why? Why? Shit! Why?

♪ Last week ♪

♪ Kyle quit the band ♪

♪ Now we're back together ♪

♪ Misunderstanding ♪

♪ Didn't understand ♪

♪ Doesn't matter, now we're back together again ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ Couldn't split up Kato and Nash ♪

That's true.

♪ Couldn't split up♪

♪ Tango and Cash ♪

♪ This is our song of exultant joy ♪

♪ Because we only came to kick some ass ♪

♪ Rock the fuckin' house and kick some ass ♪

♪ What we gonna do with all the cash? ♪

♪ Smoke hash ♪

♪ And then we thrash ♪

♪ We'll throw ♪

♪ A big ol' bash, y'all ♪

♪ And everyone is invited to the bash ♪

♪ And everyone, you're all invited to the bash ♪

Come on, Kyle.

One time, come on!

Damn, we barely made it out of that one, huh, Kage?

Yeah.

Hey, I gotta ask you something.

I can't make rehearsal this weekend.

Oh, okay, we'll reschedule.

What's your conflict anyways?

Are you needed in Slumberland?

No, it's kind of important.

I have to attend my sister's wedding.

Aw, that's legit.

In fact, I'm playing during the reception.

What? No! Kyle!

No side projects. You know the deal.

Jack, it's my sister's wedding.

Yeah, well what about our blood oath, Kyle?

What if some big shit record guy

is at the fucking wedding,

and he cuts you a deal right there, huh?

Next thing I know,

I'm at the dentist's office,

and I hear the mellow sounds of the Kyle Gass Project

coming over the radio!

All the fucking work I put in to nurturing you,

and your diva fucking bullshit!

Listening to all your crap,

and then fucking covering up all the holes,

with a,

or a.

And that's all that I get?

Fuck you!

You fucking bitch!

So you want to come to the wedding

and the D will play?

No, but I appreciate being asked.

You may play, Kyle.

You may play.

My best to your sister.

Kyle...

If I was in a wheelchair,

would you visit me, feed me, brush my teeth?

Yes.

Would you read to me?

Why couldn't you read?

Just don't want to.

Yes.

Would you take a bullet for me?

No.

Well, I killed!

Did you see me? - Oh, we're up?

Oh, God! - Did you see me?

Killed.

Okay.

This next act asked me to read this.

"Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, and Molly Hatchet

"could not be here tonight.

"But they all had sex,

"and are proud to announce the birth

of their two-headed baby, Tenacious D."

So Tenacious D!

Kyle Gass on lead guitar.

On lead vocal is me, JB.

Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em.

And there's a lot of possible

"Backstage Betties"

in the audience tonight.

How's it going?

♪ That's the first thing I say to you ♪

"How's it going? Are you flowing?"

Listen, honey...

♪ Thinking 'bout a couple things to say to you ♪

♪ Showing, growing ♪

♪ Man, I'd like to place my hand ♪

♪ upon your fucking sexy ass and squeeze ♪

♪ And squeeze ♪

♪ Take off your blouse ♪

♪ And your underpants ♪

♪ Then take a look ♪

♪ 'Cause here me and KG come naked ♪

♪ Out of the side hatch ♪

♪ With the oils, and perfume, and incense ♪

♪ Now you're groovin' ♪

♪ Put on a cool '70s groove ♪

♪ A funky groove to fuck to ♪

♪ A funky groove to fuck to ♪

♪ You guessed it, me, me and KG ♪

♪ It's all about sex supreme ♪

♪ We likes the cream dreams ♪

♪ Have you ever been worked on ♪

♪ By two guys who are hot for your snatch? ♪

♪ That's what I'm offering you ♪

♪ You step into our room ♪

♪ And then you smell the perfumes ♪

♪ You lay upon our roundish bed ♪

♪ And then you feel a tickling on your head ♪

♪ It's KG with the feather, the French tickler ♪

♪ Look out, baby, he got the tools ♪

♪ And then you feel something down by your feet ♪

♪ It's me, it's JB, I'm sucking on your toes ♪

♪ We don't mind sucking on toes ♪

♪ Good luck finding a boyfriend who fucks toes ♪

♪ Having sex with me and KG ♪

♪ Now you're talking double team ♪

♪ Supreme ♪

Booyah!

Look at that.

Dude, we rock.

Hey, boys.

You were incredible.

Your songs,

The way you, ah, moved!

You did it.

You blew me away.

So which one of you assholes is gonna fuck me?

I will!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's not what we're about.

Hey, don't confuse the art

with the artist.

I mean, yeah, up on stage,

I'm the shit.

I'm Zeus, I'm Elvis.

But back here...

I'm just plain ol' Jack.

I ain't what you're looking for, ba--

Jack, what is up? She was good to go!

Kyle, my heart belongs to another.

Her name is Flarna,

and she is a fucking flower, dude.

She's an angel in disguise.

When I see her, I get so nervous,

I can't even talk to her.

I want her to like me so bad,

that I just

Wow.

What's she like?

She's totally into Satan.

- You love Satan. - I know!

She's got her spine pierced.

Dude, you're totally into spinal piercing.

And she loves to clog!

Clog? Yeah!

- You know what I'm-- - Dude, she sounds perfect.

Where'd you meet her?

She works over at Captain Ed's Records.

- Captain Ed's. - I know!

Hey, man.

I gotta take off.

Kyle, listen.

My relationship with Flarna

will in no way affect our friendship, ever.

You know what?

I want to give you something.

It's a friendship medallion.

This medallion, it means we'll always be friends.

Forever.

Okay.

Gotta go.

- Kyle. - Yeah?

- Friendship. - Friendship!

Kyle, I'm gonna write the Flarna Song.

♪ Flarna is an angel in disguise ♪

♪ Look into my eye ♪

Um, there are no tickets on sale today,

if that's what this is.

Oh!

But what about for the, uh,

International Clogging Championships?

You like clogging?

Oh, jeez, it's my biggest weakness,

outside of my love of Satan.

- No way. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, uh, how late are you open?

Because I'm getting my spine pierced later.

I don't even believe this!

My spine is pierced,

and I'm totally into Satan.

- Really? No way! - Oh my God!

♪ Flarna is an angel in the sky ♪

♪ She'll bring a teardrop to my eye ♪

Jack!

Hi, Kyle.

How's the clogging coming along?

Hi, Flarna.

Hi...

Jack.

Oh, yeah, Jack! You fixed my car!

No, no.

We met at the thing.

Well, um...

I gotta go open the store.

I love her, dude.

♪ With karate, I'll kick your ass ♪

♪ Here to Tiananmen Square ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, motherfucker ♪

♪ I'm gonna kick your fucking derriere, yeah ♪

♪ You broke the rules ♪

♪ Now, I'll pull out all your pubic hair ♪

Hi-ya!

Ahh!

Magic flying fast food sack!

Magic spinning loose change!

Don't you dare touch her!

No!

Oh, no, Kyle, no!

No!

Why?

♪ Kyle took a bullet for me ♪

♪ Now, I got to rock for three ♪

♪ KG and me ♪

♪ Don't forget about Tenacious D ♪

♪ I took a bullet for JB ♪

♪ Now, I'm in heaven and I can see ♪

♪ Your decision to rescue me ♪

♪ Was definitely Poops McGee ♪

♪ No way, no, KG, I disagree ♪

♪ Why? ♪

♪ Your decision to rescue me ♪

Yeah?

♪ Was a decision to set you free ♪

♪ It was definitely Poops McGee ♪

♪ Wait, this is fucking with my head ♪

♪ I totally thought you was dead ♪

♪ Just remember what you said ♪

♪ The medallion's made of bulletproof lead ♪

Whoa!

- ♪ Kyle took a bullet for me ♪ - ♪ I took a bullet for JB ♪

♪ Now I got to rock for three ♪

♪ Now I'm in heaven and I can see ♪

- ♪ KG and me ♪ - ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Don't forget ♪

♪ About Tenacious D ♪

If you'd like to read

about the people and places in this week's episode,

you'll want the full set of Tenacious D encyclopedias.

36 leather-bound volumes

will arrive at your doorstep every month

until you have all 3,012 of them.

Guaranteed to kick the other encyclopedia's asses.

Good night!

♪ We ride with kings on mighty steeds ♪

♪ Across the Devil's Plain ♪

♪ We've walked with Jesus and his cross ♪

♪ He did not die in vain, no ♪

♪ Kyle's fingers be silver ♪

♪ Jack's voice, then, be gold ♪

♪ But lest you think ♪

♪ We're vain ♪

♪ We know it's pay cable but we don't care ♪

♪ Tenacious D ♪

♪ We reign ♪