All language subtitles for One.Day.at.a.Time.S02E12.WEBRip.x264-2_Eng

-Hey, here's to you guys.
-Ooh.

Tomorrow, you will be American citizens.

This is my last night
with a bunch of foreigners at my table.

-[laughter]
-Yep, finally ready to renounce

free health care, economic prosperity,

and diplomatic respect for...

Oh, God,
maybe I didn't think this through.

And tomorrow I will be as American
as El Pollo Loco. Salud.

[all] Salud.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can't drink.
You have a test tomorrow.

Ay, please. In Cuba, we had the four "R"s.

Reading, writing, 'rithmetic and rum.

Plus you only need to get
60% right to pass.

So basically, to become an American,

you have to prove
you're a D-minus student.

Yep, it's the same requirement
as it is to become president.

Want me to help you clean up?

Nah, you're gonna be an American.
Let the Latinos do it.

-[cell phone vibrating]
-[Elena] That's weird.

[Alex] What's wrong?

Syd just sent me a text.

It's the dancing girl, salmon sushi
and prayer hands.

Okay, don't panic.

Why would I panic? Now I'm panicking.

Relax.

When you get confusing emojis,

you just need to send even more confusing
emojis back until someone breaks.

You're in an intense game
of emoji chicken.

-So should I send Syd a chicken?
-Girl, are you cray?

Okay, how about a ghost, a ski lift,

and the Swedish flag? No, the Swiss flag.

But what does that mean?

Exactly.

Aw. Poor Elena.

So hard being a teenager
in a relationship.

Yeah, kids. Take 'em or leave 'em, right?

Seems to me like you kinda love kids.

These two, they're always
at each other's throats.

Alex, you are the best. Thank you so much.
[exclaims]

So passive-aggressive.

Is everything okay?

Yes.

You know how you sometimes
have a great, healthy meal,

and two hours later,
you're over the toilet

with fire shooting out both ends?

That's my life right now.

So, Penelope, I'm sensing some stress.

Uh, you think, Pam?
Yeah, I'm freaking stressed. [laughs]

Everything was going
so great with Max.

I mean, you should see this guy.

Imagine if Bradley Cooper
was stuck in a gym for almost a year

with nothing to eat but hotness pills.

Okay, yes.

Maybe if Bradley Cooper was stuck in a gym
with Charlize Theron...

and Bradley Cooper left.

[chuckles]

I don't want to have any kids.

It sounds like you need to tell Max that.

Yeah. You hop up on a stool,
you look him in the eye and you be tough.

Make him think you could burn down
that garage, but you don't actually do it.

I wish somebody
would've given me that advice.

If he breaks up with you
because of that, that's on him.

He'll find someone else.

Does he like Korean barbecue?

Sorry, super-duper Bradley Cooper,
I'm only a human woman.

Well, of course, if we did have a baby,

it would be like a tall me,
so it'd be pretty hot.

I mean, that baby would have everything.

Wait, are you actually
thinking about this?

I'm just saying I'd have a hot baby.

-Pen...
-No. I'm almost 40, okay?

What am I going to do?

Have one kid in college,
one kid in high school,

and one kid hanging off my boob?

Honestly, these just started
looking normal again.

There were a couple of years
there where it was like... [clicks tongue]

And, you know,
my mom's not getting any younger,

and soon I'm gonna have to take
care of her too. No. No. [clicks tongue]

Maybe you need to tell Max

that you're making decisions
that privilege self-care,

even if that leads to a conscious
uncoupling of your relationship.

What's that mean?

You gotta throw truth at him, girl.
Even if he bails.

If you don't want a baby, don't be a baby.

Oh!

You're right. You're right.
I have to lay down the law.

Ugh.

-What am I thinking? A baby. Smelly. Loud.
-Mmm-mmm.

Drains all your life force away.
Oh, who needs that? Mmm-mmm.

So, Beth, what's been going on with you?

Well... [chuckles]

-I'm pregnant. [chuckles]
-[all] Aw.

Congratulations.

[theme song playing]

Abuelita, you're still studying?
Don't you know everything by now?

Of course. I'm just trying to avoid
getting propositioned by all these guys.

The process is a breeze.
There is nothing to be nervous about.

[Schneider sighs]

They didn't call my name yet, did they?

What the hell are you wearing?

I'm trying to look more American.

Is it not working? [scoffs]
I should have brought a gun.

-Are you okay?
-No!

[scoffs]

Last night, I was testing the pH
of the water in my seahorse ranch and,

as I looked at those vomiting little guys,
I realized I suck at tests.

All tests.

Drug, sobriety, vision, IQ, smog.
You name it, I fail it!

Relax, pobrecito Schneider.

Look, look, look, you go in, they ask you
a few questions, you come out.

Fricky-fracky. American.

See?

Oh, my God!
They're gonna send me to Gitmo!

Hi, folks. I'm looking for

Lydia Margarita Del Carmen Inclan
Maribona Leytevidal de Riera.

Ooh, that's fun.

Hello.

He seems nice.

Listen up, people,
because I'm only gonna say this once.

First name is a little, uh, smudged.
Uh, something Schneider?

You'll do great.

Go get 'em.

[chuckles]

You like my outfit? [chuckles]

Oh, boy.

He's screwed.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss him.

Are you okay, Penelope?

Yeah. Sure, Doc. Why?

You put a blood sample label
on my pudding cup and sent it to the lab.

Oh.

We cannot make mistakes like that.
Now I have no pudding.

[sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I've just been
a little distracted.

What's up?

Believe it or not, I've been thinking
about having a baby. [chuckles]

It's crazy, right? What do you think?

I think I've never been so flattered.
I'll do it.

Me? As the sperm donor?

A short, Latino me with hair?

Oh, man, that baby'd have everything.

Okay. [laughs]

No, I am not talking about you, Doc.

I'm talking about Max.

Well, if that's the way you want to go.

But seriously, Doc, be honest.

Having a baby at my age,
it's crazy, right?

No, not at all. I...

There is risk,
but modern medicine has come a long way.

You're in great health.

With proper prenatal care,
you could have babies for the next decade.

Don't tell me that, Doc!

Tell me I'm old and dried up,
and that my uterus is full of sand.

Something that's gonna
make me feel better.

Look, you're gonna have
to make up your mind,

but if this is something you want to do
with Max, you could.

Thanks a lot, Doc.

Now, when I come back after nine months
with a healthy Latino Bradley Cooper baby,

it'll be your fault.

All righty,
your application looks complete.

Beautiful penmanship, by the way.

Thank you. [chuckles]

When you are a dancer,
even your fingers sashay.

I'm a dancer myself.

Mostly square.

Sometimes line.

I can tell by the fire in your eyes.

It's my allergies, but thank you.

Why don't we do-si-do
into your civics test?

Okay.

Name three of the original 13 states.

Oh, I can name them all.
But I will go for my favorite three.

Eh, South Carolina,
Georgia and Rhode Island.

[chuckles]

Where is the Statue of Liberty?

New York. Wait. New Jersey?

She's straddling the border.

Uh, but I'm guessing
her butt's facing New Jersey. [laughs]

I'm from New Jersey.

Great town.
[in New Jersey accent] Forget about it.

[in normal voice] Beautiful cat.

That's my daughter.

[chuckles nervously]

Would your daughter
like to go out sometime?

Or is she an inside daughter?

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

My beloved Berto and I
once made love in the park.

Well, uh, that's certainly naughty.

But you weren't arrested,
so it doesn't count as a crime.

Oh, it was a crime.
A crime that no one saw us.

Have you ever been arrested?

Does public nudity at a hockey game count?

There is, uh, no mention of
a public nudity charge in your file.

Oh, you just go to YouTube
and type in "Zam-boner."

Well, if it's not in here,

we may need to re-run
your background check.

Oh, no. Are you in handcuffs?

No, I passed!

-Yay!
-Congratulations!

[Schneider laughing]

Please read the underlined words.

No problem.

[in heavy accent]
"The fox is on the bitch."

That is correct.

The fox is on the beach.

That's what I said.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you are a delightful candidate
for citizenship.

-Ooh.
-And friendship.

[gasps]

-[chuckles]
-So, let's just...

Oh.

That's interesting.

Everything about me is interesting.

Which are you referring to?

Please wait outside, Mrs. Riera.

Oh.

Okay.

In the, uh, waiting room? [chuckles]

Ooh, here comes Abuelita.

-Felicidades. Muy bien hecho.
-All right!

Way to go.

What? What? Is something wrong?

I don't know. He said to wait here.

Maybe they make everyone wait
while they figure out if you passed.

They didn't do that with me.

She told me I passed in the room
and then I showed her my YouTube video.

Don't look for it.

I answered every question.

I aced the English test.

Did I do something wrong?

[Elena sighs]

This is because you're Latinx.

The white guy goes in there
and cruises to citizenship,

despite having nothing
to offer this country.

That's right.
Wait, are you talking about me?

Could I lose my green card?

-[gasps]
-[Alex] No.

I'm sure everything's okay.

Maybe. You would not be the first proud
immigrant who got treated like a criminal.

I cannot believe this.

It is this government today.

This whole country has changed.
It has turned to caca.

This has been my home for more
than 50 years, and they don't want me?

Well, I don't want them.

Oh, Lydia, sorry, we just had a typo
in your social. You passed.

Welcome to America.

I love this country.

[Lydia chuckles]

[knock at door]

-Hey, Schneider.
-[Schneider] Hey.

Hey! Mami told me you somehow passed.

Congratulations!

Oh, thanks.
Yeah, they didn't specifically ask

if I got drunk and tried to ride a moose,
so after that I was golden.

Hey, can we talk?

[sighs] I need a man's perspective.

How important is having kids to you?

Never really thought about it.

Then why are you holding one?

Oh, this thing? [chuckles]

This is Mikey McGurb,
the McGurbs' grandson.

I'm just babysitting.

Okay, serious question,
have you ever met a baby before?

I'll have you know
I babysat my babysitter's kids

while she was babysitting my dad,

so, yeah, I got a little experience
under my belt.

[cell phone vibrating]

Oh, it's my cousin Gordy.
He still thinks I'm full-on Canadian.

I gotta ease him into it.
Could you just...

-Oh, no. Is he gonna be okay?
-Oh, yeah. You're all good.

-[baby cooing]
-[chuckles]

Gordo, ya hoser, how you doin', eh?

[cooing]

Babies are so stupid.

Why you so stupid, huh?

Hey.

Hey.

[coos]

Hi.

Oh, yes. Oh, my goodness.

You are pretty stinking cute.

All right, good news is Gordo bought it.

Bad news is I'm judging a poutine festival
in Saskatoon next week.

[sighs]

You okay?

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

It's just everything
I've been going through with Max.

He wants to have a baby.

-Whoa.
-[sighs]

When I hold this little nugget
in my arms, I think it's not so bad.

-In fact, it's kind of amazing. [chuckles]
-[cooing]

Wow. Well...

I don't know what you want...

but I do know that if you choose
to have another kid, you'll be incredible.

You're the single greatest mother I know.

Thank you.

That means a lot
coming from a guy with five moms.

And thank you, Mikey McGurb.

Thank you for reminding me
that I do want to hold a baby again.

[sniffs]

Someday, when I'm a grandmother.

[baby cooing]

[both chuckle]

He likes you.

-Max, we need to talk.
-[sighs]

I have been obsessing about something
you said the other day.

Oh. I just think Arby's is underrated.

Not the best, just solid.

No. Not that. Although you are dead wrong,
it is a barf factory.

No, no.

I'm talking about when you said
you wanted to have kids.

[chuckles]

I knew something was bothering you.

[sighs] I shouldn't have said anything.

We're so new
and I didn't mean to freak you out.

I was just talking.

But you were serious?

Well, yeah, I see myself
becoming a dad someday,

but it is way too early
to have that conversation.

No, no.

See, that's the thing. It's about
ten years too late for this conversation.

I'm turning 40, Max...

and talking about this isn't going to get
any easier, the longer we wait.

[sighs] I didn't know
you were stressing about this.

I'm really sorry.

No. I don't want you to be sorry.

Don't be sorry. I get that you want kids.

It's a great thing, it's the best thing.

But I know that
because I've already done it.

And I'm done with it.

Oh.

Uh, okay.

Yeah, no, I mean, no,
I understand, you know.

Being a father was something
I always wanted.

You know, babies and watch them grow up.

[grunts softly] All those firsts.

But, hey, hey, hey,
if it's a deal-breaker, I can let it go.

[clicks tongue] Really?

[chuckles softly]

Yeah. [sighs] Look,
I just want to be with you.

I love your kids... and I love you.

I love you too.

Ah! Good, you are here.

[sing-song] I want to show you something.

Oh, great. I guess Schneider told you
that I was thinking of having a baby.

-What?
-You're having a baby?

No! I'm not having a baby.

I told Schneider that Max wanted kids,

and obviously, Schneider told Abuelita
because he's a chismosa at heart.

No, Schneider did not say a thing.

This is what I want to show you.

[laughing] I took the crib out of storage

because Schneider wanted it
for the gordito that he is babysitting.

But I'm saving it for you now, because
this is much more exciting. [exclaims]

No, Mami, not happening.

Never say never, Lupe.

I said I would never be anything
but Cuban, but here I am, Miss America.

[vocalizing "The Star-Spangled Banner"]

Okay. Well, Mami, I am certain
that I'm not having a baby with Max

because we just broke up.

No.

[sighs] I knew he was too pretty
to be straight.

Okay, we can salvage this.

I'll text him a slot machine,
a bowl of ramen and a circus tent.

He'll come crawling back.

It's my decision.

I know you guys really liked him,
but it is for the best.

He wants kids
and I've already had my kids.

Even though he says he's okay with that,

I know down the road, he is gonna regret
missing his chance to be a dad.

And I love him, and I don't want
to deprive him of the experience

because I know how amazing it is.

I'm sorry, Mami.
It sounds like you did the right thing.

Plus, the last time you had a baby,
you got it right.

Walk away from the table, Mami.
Know when to fold 'em.

[chuckles] I love you dopes.

[chuckles] We love you too.

-Homework.
-[both groan]

You are making a mistake.

Mami, don't.

A good man is hard to find
and you have found a good man.

Lupita, I have spent so many years alone.
It's not something you want.

Really? 'Cause right now,
I would love to be alone.

Yeah, but who's going to take care of you?

I'm not going to be around forever.

I can take care of myself, okay?

Yes, but you shouldn't have to.

I mean, mira, if down the road,

Max wants a baby, pfft, y qué?

A baby would be wonderful.
A gift from God.

I've got to do what's right for me.

If you love him, you can make it work.

How dare you say that?

Come on. This is the hardest decision
I've made since I left Victor,

and you're making it even harder.

Oh, you are just mad
because you know I am right.

I made a painful decision,

and the last thing I need
is for you to tell me

what an idiot I am for having made it.

Oye. I am not just some pushy old lady.

-[scoffs]
-And I know you.

I know you better than anyone
on this Earth and I am telling you

this is a mistake!

Then it's my mistake to make!

And it's not a mistake. So you know what?

If you've got any more advice,
keep it to yourself,

'cause I don't want it.
Or anything else from you!

¡Ya!

Good night, Lupe.

Maybe you will have more sense
in the morning.

[Spanish song playing]

Mami, I got up early
to get us pastelitos and coffee.

We gotta get going.

We gotta get downtown
for the swearing-in ceremony.

Mami?

Look, if you're mad about yesterday,
I am sorry that things got so heated.

[sighs]

Mami, whatever,
we gotta get going, we have--

[gasps]

Mami!

Mami!

[Spanish song continues]