All language subtitles for In Treatment (2008) - S02E27 - April Week Six (1080p HMAX WEB-DL x265 Silence)_track3_[eng]

So, how was your week?

Fine.

How was yours?

It was okay.

How are you feeling
about your dad?

-April.
-What?

I'd rather talk about you.

Surprise, sur-fucking-prise.

I'm just worried that
what happened last weekend...

may have changed
our relationship.

We have no relationship.

I have dumped people for less
than what you did to me.

Are you thinking of dumping me?

I don't know
what I'm doing here.

Maybe you wanted to convey
your anger toward me in person.

Maybe I just wanted to get out
of the hospital for a few hours.

Does anybody know
that you've left?

You think I just hopped a fence
or something?

Call the doctors if you like.

You're all
such good friends now.

I'm doing fine,

so they let me out
for a few hours.

I have to check back in tonight.

I had to tell her.

-Why?
-She's your mother

and you were delirious.

You could've waited
until I came out of it.

And what if you never came
out of it?

Then someone
would've called her eventually.

You put me down as your
emergency contact number.

-So?
-So, you empowered me

to make a decision
on your behalf

-if anything happened to you.
-I had a bad fever.

It wasn't like
I was in heart failure--

You had 105.

They were packing ice
onto you when I arrived.

I talked to the doctors, Paul.
I know what happened.

Really?

I understand that you're angry
with me,

but I didn't make
this decision lightly.

And if I had to do it again,

I would do
exactly the same thing.

Wow.

Has my insurance
covered everything?

You don't have to--

you don't have to worry
about that.

Well, I'm leaving
and I'm not coming back,

so if I owe you anything,

-speak now.
-April, please don't go.

How could you?
It was the one thing--

The one thing that I asked you
not to do!

I didn't think it was right
to let you lie there alone

on the brink of death.

You really don't understand,
do you?

You don't understand
what you were to me.

What did she say...

when you called?

At first, she--

She just--
she just didn't understand.

She-- she didn't even know
you were seeing a therapist.

I-- I asked her to meet me
at a coffee shop

so we could discuss
it in person,

but she-- she refused.

She's paranoid.

I offered to go to her house,
she hung up.

And I called her back
and I asked her

if she'd meet me at the hospital
in an hour.

She showed up?

Are you surprised?

Did you meet her in my room?

No, the lobby.

Well, how did you recognize
each other?

She looks just like you.

So, you just walked up to her
and said, "Hi, I'm Paul Weston.

Your daughter has stage three
non-Hodgkin's lymphoma

and she's dying
on the fourth floor."

I explained to her
that you'd come to see me

several weeks ago
with the diagnosis of lymphoma

and that
you'd begun chemotherapy.

What did she say
when you said "cancer"?

She seemed...

stunned.

Did she cry?

No.

Was she angry...

at me?

Definitely not. No.

She hates being the last person
to find something out.

She did have a hard time

believing you would keep
something like this from her.

What did you say to that?

I told her she'd have to speak
to you.

-How long was this conversation?
-A couple of minutes.

It wasn't me she wanted to see.

She wanted to see you.

I woke up
and she was sitting there.

I thought--

I thought for a moment that...

I was at home...

and it had all been a bad dream,
like I was still a child,

and I was sick and...

my mom was taking care of me.

I had never grown up and...

I had never gone
to school and...

I had never gotten cancer.

I closed my eyes and...

I guess fell asleep.

When I woke up
she was still sitting there...

glaring at me

like I had gotten sick
deliberately.

You broke my heart.

Worse than Kyle.

I'm sorry.

That was never my intention.

Kyle took me out for coffee
last week.

He'd been harassing me,
so I finally went

just to shut him up, like,

"I'm still alive. I'm in chemo.
Just leave me alone."

And he just seemed
so young to me,

like a baby.

I was thinking...

"I don't want a boy like you.
I want someone like Paul.

A man."

What was it like
to see him again?

I don't want to talk about Kyle.
I just brought him up bec--

Fuck it. Never mind.

I thought you were a man.

So, today I'm your betrayer,

but last week
you were equally certain

that I was generous and good.

Can you see how dramatically
your opinion of me has changed?

-Yes.
-And can you make sense

of that for me?

I guess I never really knew you.

Or maybe you're so angry
at me you're--

you're having a hard time
seeing this situation

from my perspective.

Don't lecture me on empathy.

I am not talking about empathy.
I'm talking about perspective.

You feel deeply for people
whom you believe

are on your team
because they are, in your mind,

basically extensions of--
of yourself.

You feel their pain
as if it's your own pain,

but you do have a hard time
understanding someone

who's approaching
from a different perspective.

You were using your perspective
to fuck me over.

I thought you were
in serious trouble

and your mother
deserved to know.

Why? You have no allegiance
to her.

-You've never met her.
-As a father, myself--

I'll tell you what happened.
You got scared.

You didn't want to be
my emergency contact.

-April, that--
-You didn't want

-that responsibility.
-April--

If I had a patient who asked me
not to call her mother,

I would never have called
her mother.

You don't have children.

It's so easy to betray you.

It's so easy to let you down.

I make one mistake--
Not even a mistake.

One decision
that you don't agree with

and that's it for you.

I'm worthless because I'm weak.

Now that's a quality
you can't accept in others,

because you can't accept
it in yourself.

But you know that nobody
can live up to your standards,

because you can't even live up
to them.

This is life, April.
There are days that are just...

classless and cruel,

but it is the only life
that you've got.

Leah lets me down...

all the time.

How?

Little things.

I mean, she's a flake.

She'll show up
an hour late or...

she'll forget we made
a plan at all.

-But that doesn't bother you?
-No.

And what's special about
your relationship with Leah?

I know she loves me.

She's known me since I was six.

Before I had done anything.

So, she loved you
when you were a child.

She got inside
before you closed the gates.

-That's so depressing.
-Is it?

To have one person
who really knows who you are?

I used to be really different.

-In what way?
-I was a total mess.

This really emotional kid.

I would cry at the drop
of a hat.

I used to write my parents
hate mail

and leave it on their pillows
at night.

"Dear Mom and Dad,
these are all the things

you did today that upset me.
Please respond."

And did they respond?

My mother would tell me
that I had to get tough.

I couldn't let my emotions
show on my face.

Yeah.

You know, when I was in--

When I was in grad school,
I-- I had a professor...

who said something
I still remember.

He used to say that...

for better or for worse,
that maturity

in modern American society
had become

synonymous with a lack
of emotions,

to not feel anything too deeply.

-That's true.
-But some people naturally

have more heightened
emotional responses than others.

I think that you're one
of those people.

So, you've been working hard
to change your nature,

which is-- It's probably
a futile enterprise.

But the continual effort
to do that...

could make you very angry
or insecure.

-You think I'm insecure?
-Do you?

Well, there's no good way

for me to answer that question.

If I say no, I'm a narcissist
and if I say yes, I'm a loser.

Well, the way I see it,
if you say no...

you're perfect,
if you say yes...

it means you're human.

Why do you think your mother
told you to...

keep your feelings to your--
to yourself?

She wanted to keep me
from getting hurt.

Is it possible
that it had something

to do with-- with Daniel?

What do you mean?

Daniel couldn't control
his emotions

and he became--
he became violent when--

when he was upset, yeah?

So, maybe a--

a heightened emotional response
from you, even though

it was an appropriate reaction
to a given circumstance,

maybe it reminded
your mother of Daniel

and in some way it scared her.

The world is a messed up place.

She was just trying to teach me
to protect myself.

But maybe she didn't give
you time

to get to know yourself first,

to know who it is
that you are protecting.

You think I don't know myself?

I think that you've been
operating for a long time

in reaction to your mother.

At the hospital, she was so mad
she wouldn't even look at me.

She just kept coming in and out
of the room,

bossing the doctors around.
I just--

I just wanted her to leave.

Maybe she wasn't actually angry.

Maybe she was scared.

-It doesn't matter!
-It doesn't?

No, Paul, not when I'm hooked up
to three IVs.

The only thing that matters
in that moment

is that my mother is there
and I can't deal with her.

My dad came by later and...

he was perfect.

I mean, I was freezing so...

he went out and bought me
a down blanket.

And now whenever he comes,
he brings me something special.

There's this dark chocolate
that I love.

It weighs a ton
and I never get it for myself.

He brought me some.

Then he sat by my bed
and held my hand and...

just said, "April,

you're a strong girl.
You'll beat this."

That's all I need.

She's my mother.
Why doesn't she know that?

He sounds very calm, your dad.

He can be,
under certain circumstances.

Like hospitals?

What are you saying?

Well, that's what he does
for a living.

It might be easier
for your father to give you

what you need at the moment
because he's had some practice.

But your mother...

-was out of her element.
-I don't understand.

Are you for this woman
or against her?

April, everything doesn't have
to be black and white.

You are so over me.

-Sorry?
-You're so tired of this.

You just want this to be done.

You want to figure me out,
fix my head

and so you can check me
off your ledger.

What-- what about my behavior
gave you that idea?

-You turned on me.
-How?

By calling my mother.

Oh, we're back to that again.

So, what I did
still doesn't make sense to you?

What are you talking about?

For five sessions,
all I've talked about

is why I can't call my mother.

I was walking down
Flatbush Avenue

burning with fever
with a nonexistent immune system

trying to hail a cab to take me
to the emergency room

and I still didn't call her.

You pulled rank on me, Paul.

You were like "I've humored
this chick for too long.

I'm the adult. I'm gonna call
the other adults

so we can figure out how to--

how to just fuck up
the world together."

You don't think of yourself
as an adult?

I guess I am.

But do you want to be?

Not really.

Maybe that's because you barely
had time to be a child.

Your work here is done.

No, our work here
is only beginning.

Well, you're wrong.

You can check me off now.

I mean, I'm in chemo,
my mother knows.

-Whatever.
-You keep using the term

"check me off."
Does that mean anything to you?

My mother...

used to write a check
on the back of my hand

whenever I did a good deed
or aced a test or something.

She said I loved it
when I was little.

But something changed
as you got older.

I just--

It felt like she was...

you know,
checking me off like...

"April's fine.
She's got a check.

Don't need to worry
about April."

I got so tired
of those goddamn checks,

-I stopped telling her things.
-Like what?

I don't know. I...

I'd raise money
for autism research

-by running a 10K.
-But you wouldn't tell her?

No, she'd find out later

from a teacher
or school newspaper.

Can you give me another example?

When Leah's mom was dying,

Leah couldn't handle it,
neither could her dad, so...

I was over at their house
three times a week helping out

just buying groceries,
making dinner.

But again your mother
didn't know anything about this.

Well, she found out
at the funeral.

Leah's dad came up to her.

It seems like you wanted
your mother to know these things

but you didn't want to tell her.

Maybe.

And what would happen
if she found out?

I was her little hero,

-her saving grace.
-Her perfect child.

April, is it possible

that I've become part
of that pattern?

-What?
-You got cancer.

You decided to fight it alone,
just as you've always done.

You didn't tell your mother,
but you came to see me.

You told me...

because maybe you knew
on some level

that I would eventually tell
your mother...

and you would become her hero...

again.

-That is so fucked up.
-I don't think it is, April.

I think you saved yourself
the only way you know how.

I thought the cancer
would clean me out

of all this bullshit.

I thought I would finally stop

obsessing over how to be
the best at everything

and all the reasons I should
hate myself and everyone else.

I thought I would...

finally start to think
about the big picture but...

it's just gotten darker
inside my head.

I don't believe
in anything anymore.

I don't believe in love or...

my mother...

or my body...

or you.

Because of all
this stupid therapy,

I don't even believe
in myself anymore.

I literally have no idea

why I should get out of bed
in the morning.

That's not a bad place...

to begin, April.

Do you remember the dream
that we talked about last week?

The one where I was dying?

Yeah. Except that I think
that dream

could actually
have been about...

rebirth, about saying goodbye
to the--

to the old self to make room
for the new.

I could just be dying.

When will you get the results
of the blood test?

I told you, end of the week.

Then you'll know for sure
if the chemo's working?

Yup.

Will you let me know the results
as soon as you get them?

Sure.

Thank you.

Are we done here?

If you want to keep
on talking.

Not really.

Can you help me up?

Sure.