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# Oompah! Oompah! Stick it up your jumper! #

Friends, colleagues and royal birdwatchers...

I am very honoured to be invited here today

to tell you the incredible story

of my last expedition.

May I have the first slide, please?

And here we are.

'Two weeks out on the safari.'

'Already deep into the interior

and already treading ground

that no white man had ever trod before.'

What is it?

Umbala. Elephant droppings, boss.

We'll have to make another detour.

What is it? Why have we stopped?

See all that? Elephants.

I didn't think it was ours.

What is it, Professor? Please. Not in front of the ladies.

I was going to ask her to be quiet.

Pardon me.

Dear, dear, dear. Isn't it safe to go on?

It's risky with elephants about.

It'd be all right with a few cows. But it could be all bulls.

From you, that wouldn't surprise me.

We've trekked far enough anyway. Upsidasi?

Scout around. Find campsite. Nookadicky?

Dickanooky, boss.

What's all this dooky-nicky-nooky stuff?

That's Bangabanga talk.

I hope he hurries or I'll be icky-dicky.

Dear, dear, dear.

June, my lavender water, please.

Yes, milady.

I'm afraid you've dropped one, Lady Bagley.

I beg your pardon!

Oh, yes, of course.

It's a pleasure to be of service, ma'am.

After all, we've traveled 1,000 miles.

I know that, Mr Chumley.

But I shall not require a thousand-mile service.

Boss? Boss?

I found a good campsite there. Big waterhole.

Fine. Drinkable?

Hippopotamus there. They seem to like OK.

Hippopotamus? I'm not drinking after them.

Why not? They'll only be bathing.

If you had ever bathed, you'd know why not.

You're too fussy. Go on. I'll bring the women.

Very well.

Right in it.

Excuse me, Mr Boosey.

Her Ladyship wondered if she could have a shower.

Certainly. Upsidasi?

Make shower tent for water over lady.

Boss. (SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

Thank you.

Doesn't it bother you, being here among a lot of men?

Men have never bothered me. You must be joking.

(SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

(GROWLS)

Evening, ma'am. Good evening, Mr Boosey.

Enjoying the safari, ma'am?

Immensely. But I'm disappointed we haven't seen any monkeys.

You won't. They're busy. Mating.

I see. Would they come if I threw them some peanuts?

Would you?

That is a very big one you have there, is it not?

Eh? This? Well, I'm going hunting. To bag something for supper.

I see. Game?

Anytime. If you are.

Well er... I really must go. Well, they're all ready for you.

If you'll excuse me. Certainly, ma'am.

(SCREAMS)

GUNSHOT

(TARZAN CRY)

THUD

Boss, look!

Aim, boss.

Did I get him?

No. You aim good. Him in the wrong place.

Where did he go? He's gone into cover, boss.

Give me that. No, you twit!

Milady...

Your shower is ready.

Thank you, June. I shall require you to pour as usual.

Yes, milady.

Well, I do hope elephant doesn't stain, that's all.

Dear, dear, dear. I'm starting to wish we hadn't come on this trip.

Every step one takes is fraught.

What is more, we haven't spotted one rare bird.

It's not good enough.

We must keep a sharper lookout.

Don't worry, Professor. I'm doing that.

Cor!

Chumley, what are you looking at?

Oh... er... Nothing, Professor. Nothing at all.

You must be looking at something.

Your rear was utterly agog.

Oh... er... Oh, well, I erm...

just thought I'd spotted the golden crested tit, sir.

Oooh, impossible! You don't find golden crested tits here in Africa.

The occasional black one, maybe.

Of course. You're quite right, sir.

I was mistaken, sir.

Let me have a look. Where is it?

I shouldn't bother, sir.

Where?

I can't see anything.

Oooh!

Well, yes...

That is definitely something.

Really, sir? What?

The erm... Well, I can't put a name to it.

Just a quick flash of tail. Really? Let me have a look, sir!

What... It's gone now.

It's gone into the jungle.

I'll tell you what. Take these binoculars. Go and look for it.

No. I don't think I should go outside just now.

Lady Bagley will be er... taking her shower.

Will she? Oooh!

Well, I hadn't realised that.

Dear, we can't embarrass her, can we? Her poor soul!

I, er... could of course keep my eyes averted.

Spoken like a true gentleman, Chumley. Go and avert.

Go on. Off you go.

Now, round the back of the tent and don't let her see you.

Oooh.

(MOANS)

That's enough. You're getting too excited.

Take something, man. Take something.

What? No.

What's this?

'Pickett's muscular elixir.'

'Eases stiffness.'

Just the thing.

Cor!

(SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

(BANGABANGA)

Patch him up and break out a can of corned beef.

(BANGABANGA)

June, hurry up with the water.

Here. You shouldn't be carrying heavy things.

Her Ladyship wants it.

Don't worry. She's going to get it.

You have a rest. Go on. Good girl.

June, are you there? Yes, milady.

Rinse me off, will you, please?

That's enough, thank you. Bring the towel and rub me down.

June?

June! June, where are you?

Funny.

My turn.

Excuse me.

(SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

Big white hunter.

Big white tin opener.

Thank you, June. I shall not require you any more. Take the evening off.

In the middle of the jungle?

Big deal.

Good evening, Mr Boosey.

Evening, ma'am.

Just checking supplies.

I haven't thanked you yet for scaring that gorilla.

That was nothing. You're all right if it chases you.

When it goes like that, worry. What does that mean?

When you go to find out what it's for, he grabs you, like that.

They like to crush people to death.

Then they like to get a good grip on anything handy

and give a good squeeze.

Oh, I see.

And then what do they do?

Then they nuzzle into the neck, see? And start nibbling.

Ooh, well, why do they do that?

To keep your mind off what the hands are doing.

Ahem!

Good evening, Professor.

Mr Boosey was showing me how a gorilla gets a crush on one.

Yes. I could see he was up to monkey business.

Very good, that.

Grub's up in a minute. I'll have a wash. Excuse me.

Of course.

Look at them rings. Aren't they whoppers?

I have a matching pair as well.

Don't think I hadn't noticed.

He's so vulgar. So vulgar.

As a matter of fact, I find him refreshing.

My dear Lady Bagley. We must face it. The man is not a gentleman.

I understand...

He sleeps in his vest.

Sleeping in a vest displays a sense of individuality, surely?

It displays a lot more than that!

What on earth do you mean?

I mean a man like that would stoop at nothing...

would go to any lengths to achieve his ends.

Do you really think so, Professor?

I'm sure of it. I'm sure of it.

Lady Bagley, you are too trusting.

Out here, in the wilds as we are...

coming into close contact with each other... day after day...

it only needs a glimpse of creamy skin...

a hint of milky thigh...

Why, you make me sound like a dairy product.

Well, yes, you do remind me of something in an English meadow.

What?

A babbling brook.

Sparkling. Inviting.

And so beautifully cool.

Well, I'm very cool now. Night draws on, you know.

How sensible of you to bring a pair.

CLANG

Dinner is served.

Allow me, ma'am.

Thank you, Mr Chumley.

Ah, well... Mr Boosey...

You may have dinner served.

Upsidasi.

Bung on the grub. Common as muck!

(SPEAKS NATIVE TONGUE)

Ahem. Tell me, Mr Boosey...

What have you bagged for us tonight?

We call this fricassee of fully-grown African lion.

Is it? Delightful.

Isn't that rather dangerous, shooting lions?

Not half.

When I found him he was having fun with a lioness.

One thing that drives a lion mad is being disturbed with a lioness.

Ooh! Do they charge?

No. They do it for love.

What is your sport, Professor? I haven't seen you shoot.

No. I get my pleasure in other ways.

Really?

Professor Tinkle is an ornithologist.

Actually I'm fascinated by rare and exotic birds.

Aren't we all?

My last expedition was to the Virgin Isles.

There we discovered the rare species of a frigate bird.

The what bird? Frigate. Frigate!

Now now. Language.

Now you listen here...

(TARZAN CRY)

What is that?

Probably a frigate hyena. Let's have a bit of fun with him.

(TARZAN CRY)

(YELLS RESPONSE)

Thhhrrrrp!

That'll shake him.

Lady Bagley, now you know why we are here.

Won't you tell us what brings

a beautiful lady like yourself here to Africa?

Before I tell you, I would like to show you something

that I have in here.

Oh, no, no. Don't bother.

When you've seen one, you've seen them all.

I promise you, Professor, you've never seen one like this.

That is a picture of my little baby boy.

Lying on the rug, playing with his wee engine.

I must tell you, soon after little Cecil was born,

my husband brought us here on our honeymoon.

A delayed honeymoon of course.

A lady like yourself would never make the mistake

of putting the cart before the horse.

Or the club before the pudding.

Will you spare us the clinical details?

Thank you. Pray continue, my dear.

One morning, out here in the wilds of the interior,

my husband took our baby for his usual walkies.

And they never came back.

How ghastly, ma'am.

Soon afterwards, while searching along the banks of the Limpopo,

our bearers shot a crocodile.

And there in its stomach...

was my dear husband's fob watch.

How very terrible. And the baby?

On the bank, close by...

was his nappy.

Clean?

I'm afraid not.

And so near to the Limpopo too.

Surely, ma'am, after all this time,

there's no hope.

No, but you see, we never did find his nappy pin.

It would be something to remember him by.

Ah! Ooh!

Africa is so very romantic.

I never get tired of listening to the strange noises.

Uuuurrp!

Must you do that always? Do what?

Emit air in that fashion.

What else do I do? It's better than sneaking it out.

Mr Chumley, please don't worry on my account.

Let us just sit quietly and enjoy the night.

Is there something wrong, my dear?

No.

No, no, no. It's quite all right.

A little more?

I don't mind.

Of course.

Lovely, isn't it?

I... can't say I'm enjoying it, Mr Chumley.

What? But you just said -

How dare you?

Lady Bagley... What have I done?

You know perfectly well -

Ah!

Oh!

Aaargh!

I wonder what's up with her.

Well, I don't know. Whatever it is it's rubbing her up the wrong way.

(TARZAN CRY)

All right. We'll rest here.

(SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

Ah, dear Lady Bagley.

Did you see the giraffes just now? Yes, I did. Quaint things.

I wonder why they have such long necks.

It's simple. It's because their heads are so far from their bodies.

I would never have thought of that.

You're so knowledgeable, Professor.

It's observation, really.

Hmm. I wonder if perhaps you could help me.

Do you know anything about the habits of snakes?

Habits?

I mean, what do they do?

Well, strangely enough, I've often wondered that myself.

They're exactly the same all the way down.

They don't seem to have the wherewithals.

Wherewithals to what?

Well, I mean... They don't...

If... I mean... They're lacking...

Did you see the giraffes just now?

I did. But what I wanted to know was...

If one came in close contact with a snake, could it harm one?

That would depend on the snake.

There is a brown one, the African viper, which is deadly.

Oh, no. This one was definitely green.

It sort of moved... like this.

That's the vindscreen viper. Harmless.

DRUMMING What's that?

Quiet, everyone. (SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

DRUMMING REPLY

Upsidasi, what do those drums say?

They say... boom di-di, boom di-di, boom boom boom.

I know that! What does it mean?

How should I know, boss?

Fat lot of use you are. Let's get moving.

OK, boss. (SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

(SHOUTS IN BANGABANGA)

What's the matter with them? I go to see, boss.

I wish he would go to sea. He's no flipping use on land.

(SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

Well?

They don't want to go on. I say we must.

They say no, I say yes. Now it is certain.

Good lad.

Yes, boss. We go on. They stay.

How can we go on without them? Who will carry the supplies?

They frightened. They say the drums are of a very bad tribe. The Noshas.

The Noshas? Very bad tribe.

Very savage. They eat people. Backward.

They're not eating me backwards.

Of course not. What a load of rubbish.

What makes them think that?

They say the first drums says, 'Lay the table. Dinner coming.'

The second says, 'Yummy, yummy.'

Perhaps it would be better if we don't go.

Yes. This is a good place for camp.

Not on your nelly. I won't be scared off by silly native talk.

They don't call me Rattlesnake Bill for nothing.

Now, listen to me, you lily-livered jackals.

We are not staying here!

DRUMMING

Put up the tents. Double quick.

(SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

Boss! Boss. Listen, boss.

The drums have stopped.

I know that! They stopped hours ago.

Tell me something I don't know.

The women of the Yubangi tribe stuff buffalo bones up their nose.

What are you talking about?

You asked me to tell you something you don't know.

Get the beaters. We're going hunting.

Mr Boosey?

Yes, miss. What is it?

The drums have stopped. Get away.

Is it safe to go for a walk? Would anything happen?

You could walk starkers through an army and nothing would happen.

Thank you.

Boss, boss. I got the beaters, boss.

Cor blimey. It's like trying to have a bit on an ant's nest.

Come on. Let's get going.

All clear for us to do some bird spotting, sir.

Oh. No, no. You go, Chumley.

Erm, I have some paperwork to do.

All right, sir.

How lovely!

(TARZAN CRY)

Ooh. Aren't you lovely?

It's all right. You're safe.

Who are you?

Where do you come from?

Ug ooh.

Don't you understand?

Don't you speak English?

Hooog ug ooh.

Maybe you've lived all your life in the jungle.

Haven't you ever seen a woman before?

Obviously not.

Tell me... What is your name?

Name?

Look...

Me June.

June.

Understand? Arr. June.

June.

Not those!

This... June.

Understand?

June.

That's right.

Now, then. What is your name?

Hoog ug.

Ug?

Oh. That's an unusual name.

That's called a... chest.

Chest.

Chest. Good.

HONK

It's all right. It's nothing to be afraid of.

No. I know yours isn't like that.

But you're different from me, you see. I'm a woman.

Woman.

That's right.

Woman.

No, no, no. Me woman.

Look. I'll show you.

See? Woman like that.

No, no, no. That's a man. A woman doesn't have a...

I mean... Oh, dear. This is going to be difficult.

Woman.

That's it.

Chest.

That's right. Man.

No! Oh, dear. Perhaps we'd better start with something simpler.

Water. Water.

Water.

Good.

Swim. Water.

Swim. Water.

No! I didn't mean I wanted to swim.

I don't know. Perhaps it would be nice.

We'll have to wait a moment. I'll get some of these clothes off.

Ready.

PARP

Great Scott!

Is it?

Hoo!

Kiss.

Kiss.

No. We're supposed to do it together.

Like this.

BANG

That's Mr Boosey, that bang. I must go back.

Kiss, kiss! Woman.

No, no. I can't now.

Tell you what. Come here tonight. After dark.

Oh, dear. Here, look.

Look. Here.

Night time. Understand?

(YELLS)

You don't have to tell everybody.

Here. Night time.

BANG

Oh, dear. I must go. That's Mr Boosey, that bang.

Here. Night time. Bang.

Yes, yes. But for goodness' sake, go.

My clothes. Where are they?

TARZAN CRY

(SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

What I can't understand is why is it the same fella getting in the way.

He's very stupid, boss. He got no sense. He run in front of you.

Try and patch him up and break out a can of corned beef.

What happened to that poor fellow?

Terrible. He was beating up front. Come across this mad elephant.

Mad elephant?

Nothing worse than a mad elephant.

Are you sure it was a mad elephant? He's been shot!

Well, have you seen a sane elephant using a gun?

Professor!

Look. Look what I've found.

Oooh.

I can't believe it.

Is it? It can't be.

It isn't? It is.

It is!

It is what, for Pete's sake?

A tail feather from the famous oozlumbird.

Have you gone potty? It's extinct.

You've heard that too, have you?

I never believed it. It's based on a physical impossibility.

Of course, the tail feather could have dropped off

just before it disappeared up its...

All the same... (SCREAMS)

Lady Bagley, whatever's the matter?

You look so wan!

I've... I've just had the most terrible experience.

There was this savage...

with a spear and he... prodded me!

Where?

In the bottom! Where was the savage?

I tried to tell you. In the bottom of a ravine.

Oh, the filthy swine!

That sort of conduct makes me so mad.

If only I had a gun. There we are.

Oh, yes. Thank you so much.

That's better.

Now what?

He's dead, boss.

Oh, dear! I hope it's nothing serious.

Wait a minute. What's this?

'Finder please return. Property of Nosha tribe.'

Nosha? Nosha!

(YELLS IN BANGABANGA)

Come back. Come back, you scum.

Well, that's that. Won't see them again.

Do you mean we're left alone out here?

Yep. By morning they'll be halfway home.

Please help us, someone. Please help!

Man.

Woman.

Water.

Tent.

Night. Kiss.

Bang.

(CRIES LIKE TARZAN)

Oh, no you don't, you naughty boy.

Where do you expect me to go?

You should have put the toilets up.

That's no excuse. One of the laws of the jungle is no widdling in camp.

You can't expect me to go into the jungle. What if the Noshas see me?

They'll get a nasty shock.

You... Ooh...

Evening, ma'am. Going somewhere?

Yes, I'm afraid I have to, Mr Boosey.

Pity. Don't go too far.

Don't go far. If there's any Noshas they'll find you a sitting target.

Yes. Well, I'll stay within calling distance.

Do that. I'll be here.

And if you call, don't think I won't come running. Cos I won't.

Oh, blimey. Another one. Excuse me, miss!

Looking for something?

No, I was just going back to the pool, Mr Boosey.

I remember now where I left my clothes.

Good. I'll come with you.

No, I'm sure that won't be necessary, thank you.

I think I'd better. It's not safe for a pretty girl to walk alone.

(SPEAKS BANGABANGA)

I'm going scouting. You keep watch. Nookadicky?

Sure, boss.

Dickanooky!

MONKEY CHATTERING

Aaargh!

(SCREAMS OF PANIC)

Evelyn!

Lady Bagley, I'm terribly sorry. I thought...

No... Why should I lie? I'm not sorry.

I adore you. I've longed to take you in my arms.

Kindly remove your person from my person.

I can't. Your Ladyship, this is Africa. A land of unbridled passion.

Let's get our bridles off.

I am aware of our geographical position.

Not to mention our physical one.

But there is a time and a place for everything.

Even unharnessing.

What? Oh, you're right, of course.

Not here, eh?

Later I'll come to you. Ooh.

Give us a kiss to be going on with, girl.

No! Aargh! Aw!

Never mind 'aw'. What are you doing?

Dear, dear, dear.

Professor, I... No, don't tell me.

I'm flabbergasted. My gast has never been so flabbered.

But I can explain, sir, really.

No. I don't need an explanation.

I know what's been going on.

You don't study the habits of birds without learning something.

Enough. Back to your tent at once.

You... libertine.

Libertine?

Yes! Libertine.

But, sir. Evelyn... Who?

I mean Her Ladyship.

Her? Don't worry. I'll escort her back.

Very good, sir. (MOUTHS SILENTLY)

(BLUSTERS)

Really!

I must apologise for the outrageous conduct of my assistant.

He will not take his tablets.

Why, I believe you're a tiny bit jealous.

Yes. Oh, no!

Well... I mean...

You see, after all I'm his chief.

And if there are any perks going...

I mean if there's any spare knocking about...

I think I know what you mean.

Take me now. Pardon?

Back to the camp.

Oooh, yes. Of course, yes. Allow me.

Don't worry. If there's anything there, I'll find it.

He isn't here.

Who?

I mean they aren't here. My clothes.

Oh! Well, you don't want to worry about that.

You're very tasty as you are.

I think I'll stay for a while. Just in case.

You go back, please, Mr Boosey.

Not on your nelly. Come on. I'll take you back.

Oh. All right, then.

I'm sure you'll be all right now.

I hope so. Though I tremble at the thought of sleeping alone.

Oh, I know how you feel.

I don't fancy it myself.

One would feel so much safer with a strong, fearless man.

I agree. But where could we find one out here?

Professor, I don't suppose you would consider...

That is, I mean... Would you...

Yes? No, no. It's unthinkable.

Erm...

Lady Bagley...

I wonder if you would think I was presuming

if I er... erm...

Could you see your way to letting me...

Yes?

Oh, no. It's unprintable.

Of course in the ordinary way it would be quite wrong.

But these are rather exceptional circumstances.

Are they not?

They are. They are.

There is my reputation to think of.

You would need to be very circumspect.

Oh, I was. When I was a baby.

People might not think you were in my tent to protect me...

Might they?

Definitely they might not.

They might jump to the wrong conclusions, might they not?

They might. They might.

But we could wait until they were asleep, could one not?

Ooh, one could! One could!

Professor, how clever of you to think of it.

Oh, it was nothing. I...

Till later then, Inigo.

Here we are. Safe and sound.

Thank you, Mr Boosey. And good night.

Are you sure you won't be nervous by yourself?

Oh, no.

If you should be, you can come to mine.

Thank you. I don't think anything will happen to me.

Pity. I've got a set of trophies I'd like to show you.

Good night.

This just isn't my safari.

Oi.

It's all right. It's me. Anything to report?

No, boss.

I'm turning in. Keep your eyes open. Nookadicky?

Dickanooky, boss.

Who's there?

(GRUNTS)

Ug! Oh, thank goodness. I thought you weren't coming.

Shh! Don't make a noise. They'll hear you.

Come over here and sit down.

That's it.

Now then. I'll teach you some more words.

Now this thing I'm lying on is called a bed.

Ug! Give me your hand. Let me hold your hand.

There. That's better. Now then.

Oh!

Aren't you hairy!

Oh. All right, then. You can cuddle me if you like.

Oh!

What long arms you've got.

Is that you?

Don't make a noise. June is still awake.

June.

Yes. Shh. I'm over here. Come on.

Woman. Kiss.

You don't waste much time, do you?

You mustn't rush me, Professor, you know. I'm not -

Wh... Wh... Professor!

You haven't got anything on.

Water. Swim.

Man. Woman. Bang!

What?!

What are you talking about?

Just a moment.

Ooh. How do you do?

I don't think we've been introduced.

Now don't go. Don't go.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Now tell me about yourself.

Do you... come here often?

Ug! Now that's enough.

If you can't behave yourself I'll turn the light on.

Not that I'm a prude, but...

Hello. Changed your mind, have you?

Don't faint now!

Wait till after. Oh, blimey.

(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)

Don't you talk any English at all?

Woman. Kiss.

I must say you're very persistent.

All right, then. If you promise to be a very good boy...

Ug!

Don't go!

Poor boy. He'll catch his death.

Oh, my baby!

My baby! My baby boy!

It never rains but it pours.

Mr Boosey, I...

Why do I always have that effect on them?

CRASH

Hello... what's he up to?

Evelyn?

Evelyn? It's Inigo.

Evelyn!

You're not asleep, are you?

Oh, you're only pretending, aren't you? Naughty.

I heard you moving about just now.

Oh, Evelyn, you're shy, aren't you?

Oh, Evelyn!

This is not just the beast in me, you know.

Evelyn,

(GROANS) Oh Evelyn!

I... I know we're all animals under the skin.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, yes, even you.

Very well. She's not the only pebble on the beach.

Miss June?

Miss June? It's me, Claude Chumley.

I want to... speak with you.

June?

It's all right. Look, I'm not going to harm you.

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

Tickle, tickle, tickle! Bull's eye!

Oh, Evelyn, oh what bliss!

Oh, that exotic perfume,

and the feel of your soft,

hairy skin.

Hairy skin?! But...

Stay there, don't move.

Excuse me.

Agghh!

Agghh!

(SNORTS)

Who's that? I'll take watch. You get some sleep.

Thanks, boss. Oh, what a night.

DRUMS

Oh, blimey! Me head.

That's not your head, boss. That's the Nosha drums.

You're right.

You have a quick scout. Nookadicky?

Dickanooky, boss.

What is it? What is happening?

We've got to get out of here. We'll take bare essentials.

I'm not baring my essentials. Heaven forbid.

You don't mean we're going back? Can't you hear those drums?

But what about my little baby boy?

Baby! You mean that walloping thing in frilly knickers?

They're mine. I tore his off when he was in my tent.

A nice maternal action, I must say!

Never mind whose knickers they were.

No, I am not going without him.

What about our oozlumbird? Quite right.

You've only got a feather. It's probably dead.

We can still stuff it.

A very good idea.

Now, you listen here... It's stopped.

(CHANTING)

Boss! Boss, there are many Noshas coming.

How many?

As many as teeth in the mouth of a crocodile.

How many is that?

Nobody ever stopped long enough to count them.

We've had it.

Can't we fight them off?

What, that many?

Wait a minute. Get some shovels.

Shovels? What for?

To dig a pit. We dig a dirty great hole, cover it. They fall in.

It's an old trick but it never fails.

The Noshas...

All right, let's start digging.

That should do it. They'll never get out of this.

There's just one thing bothers me.

Yeah, what?

How do we get out of this?

Huh?

Yeah, well, like I said, it never fails.

Agghh!

CHANTS: Tum tum, tum tum.

ALL CHANT: Tum tum, tum tum.

Tum tum?! That's their god, boss.

I see. The head of the corporation.

Please yourselves.

What's that big pot?

Probably flatulence.

No, that stewing pot.

What are they going to cook? Us. We're going in that pot.

Us?

Stewed?! Not a chance. Stone cold sober.

This is preposterous!

They can't possibly do this to us. After all, we are British subjects.

They've got no taste. They'll eat anything.

Surely they wouldn't eat me?!

You especially. Wait till they see that bit of best rump.

Tum tum!

Tum tum!

Agghh! What did I tell you?

Can't you do something to stop them?

I'll see. Before you start carving, you ought to know.

Him great white magic man.

Him doer of marvellous things.

You hurt us, him bring heap great misfortune down on you.

I like to see his marvellous doings.

Show him your doings. I beg your pardon?

Show him your doings!

I will not. Show him yours. He wants to see a bit of magic.

You should have said. Magic? Who?

(MENACINGLY) Show me magic doing.

Magic doings. Oh, dear, he's insistent, isn't he? Now... Ah...

Wait... This... Uh... Uh, what's...

(CHIMES)

Oh, look! 12 o'clock.

That's it, you've got him going.

Tell you what, you let us go, you can have it.

You go. Let's go before he changes his mind.

One moment, please.

I, Tinkle Of The Miraculous Doings am well pleased with you.

I now call upon the Great Sky Gods

to send down a sign upon you

to show their appreciation.

TARZAN CRY

Seize them!

DRUMS

You and your big mouth.

I, Tinkle Of The Miraculous Doings call upon the Great Sky Gods.

Blimey!

It's not my fault. What did that silly idiot drop in like that for?

Don't talk about my baby like that. He was only trying to help us.

He helped us - right onto the menu.

It did enable June to escape.

And Upsidasi. Perhaps he's gone for help.

Fat chance. We'll all be eaten and forgotten.

Oh, the indignity of it all!

I, Professor Tinkle, ornithologist, trussed like a chicken!

Keep hoping they don't like stuffing.

Do they just... drop us into boiling water?

Oh, no, nothing as barbaric as that.

They drain all our blood first.

That's all we need - kosher Noshas.

Tum tum!

ALL: Tum tum!

There he is, the head chef.

White men!

(SHOUTS)

Here we go. One for the pot.

Agghh! Blimey, double top.

WHOOPING

(SHOUTS)

They will do. Untie them.

Oh. Um...

Excuse me, do you speak English?

It is the language of our king. It is his wish we speak it.

Oh, how nice.

And who is this king? Tonka The Great.

Ah. Oh, how very interesting.

Perhaps you'll show us this Great Tonka of yours.

He is not here. He is too weak to travel far.

Where does this Great Tonka of yours hang out?

In our valley beyond the mountains. It is called Aphrodisia.

Aphrodisia?! Ah, then you must be Aphrodisiacs.

No. We are known as the Lubi Dubbies.

I'll second that.

Aphrodisia? Lubi Dubbies. No, I can't say I've heard of you.

No more questions. You must save all your strength

for the work that lies ahead. Work? What work?

There is only one occupation for men.

What's that? Why, to mate.

Mate?! What else?

Oh, mate!

MONKEY CRIES

(CACKLES)

Aphrodisia!

I hope the journey has not tired you too much.

I'm bearing up very well, thanks.

I should think so too. It's disgraceful, us lugging them about!

It is neat and proper.

Not for me. Where I come from, the men carry the women.

That is why you are soft and flabby.

No matter. You will become strong when you have done some work.

Work?! Doing what, may I ask?

Woman's work - farming,

hunting,

looking after the men, having children.

What a prospect. Forward with labour.

Excuse me, miss...

No, no, please do not get up.

Can I help you?

Yes, as a matter of fact you can.

Tell me - this work you are talking about for us. This...

Mating, yes.

This mating, yes. Exactly what does it entail?

I don't understand. Have you not mated before?

Certainly not!

Do not people do it in your country?

Well, I gather there is a bit of it going on amongst certain classes.

You will be shown what to do.

I know what to do. But I'm rather particular.

I can't do that with every Tom, Dick and Harry.

You do not need to worry. There are no men in Aphrodisia, only women.

No men?

For the last 100 years we have born nothing but girl children.

The last man died ten years ago.

I can guess what of! (SNORTS)

Wait a minute. This great Tonka of yours...

Now, tell me - if he's not a man,

he should be a queen.

He is a man, and when he first came to our valley

we hoped the curse would be broken.

He has tried very hard, but...

That is why we bless your coming.

Excuse me. How many women have you got down there?

Of mateable age, about 100.

We don't want to waste time here. Let's get working.

Forward.

CHEERING

Who's first? Hang on, don't rush, don't rush.

Tonka is coming. You will stand, please.

Tonka The Great!

ALL: Tonka The Great!

Tonka, Tonka, Tonka.

King Of Lovers...

ALL: King Of Lovers...

Master Of Women...

ALL: Master Of Women...

Father Of Countless.

ALL: Father Of Countless.

Oh, hello!

Walter! Oh, my God! It's the wife.

You mean you've been here all these years with...

..all these women!

I can't understand what you're so upset about.

You can't understand?!

Don't you realise what a shock and disappointment this has been?

Disappointment?!

All these years I believed you'd been eaten by a crocodile!

Oh, dear me, no!

Your watch was found in a crocodile's stomach.

It can't have been mine. I distinctly remember -

mine was eaten by a Nosha.

How did it get into a crocodile's stomach?

I wouldn't like to think, unless it ate the Nosha.

I think I'm going mad.

My dear, surely you didn't come all this way to tell me that?

No, Walter, will you please explain?

Yes, dear.

What have the Noshas got to do with it?

You see, I was captured by them.

Captured by them?!

You remember the morning baby and I set out for our walkies?

'I was jaunting along quite happily...'

Isn't he a lucky little babsy wabsy

to go huntsy wuntsy with brave dadsy wadsy?

Yes, he is, den.

What's the matter, den?

Is babsy wabsy sitting on something uncomfortable?

Yes, he is, den.

Poor mumsy wumsy must have forgotten

to put babsy wabsy on the potsy wotsy.

Yes, she did den, the lazy cow...

..sy wosy!

Der den. Dadsy wadsy will have to

give mumsy wumsy a smacksy wacksy, won't he, den?

Yes, he will, den. Round the chopsy wopsies.

Oh! Shush.

Don't make a sound. I've just seen a whopper!

Stay there and be a good diddums, and dadsy wadsy will bag it.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know you were there.

Ugghh!

Oh, you weren't there. Never mind, keep on trying.

The next time I knew,

there was 100 of them,

and I was in it up to here.

In what? In the stew pot.

And baby? Just me and a few turnips.

What happened to baby?

I don't really know. These dear ladies rescued me

as I was coming to the boil, and brought me here.

That was 20 years ago! Haven't you tried to find him?

I have been busy.

I know what doing. King Of Lovers! Purely an arbitrary title -

Master Of Women.

Just a hereditary title. Father Of Countless.

It goes with the job, dear.

You can add another. Stinker Of Stinkers!

I say! Have I offended you about something?

It might interest you to know that while you have been wallowing in sin

I have seen our baby boy. Really?!

Only yesterday. Oh, well, I never!

I hope you remembered to change his nappy.

He's a fully grown man, you fool!

Now he's gone again, and I don't know where he is, or...

or what he's doing.

Weed.

Seed.

Feed.

Lead.

Bed.

No, no, no. Bead.

Bed.

Oh, dear! Here we go again.

Look, will you stop it? Will you stop it?

I'm old enough to undress myself. Get away! Get away!

Now get away! Please!

Oh...

Hello. Are you having trouble?

Yes, I am. Please, whatever your name is!

Tell them to stop trying to take my clothes off.

They're your attendants.

I'm not having young women undressing me.

I don't think they know where everything goes.

You want to bet?

What's he beefing for? I enjoyed it.

Yes, and it showed.

All right, girls, off you go. Come, come.

Over-zealous.

You have to get your mating robe on. There is a ceremony this evening.

Oh ho! Straight to work, eh?

There's nothing like a good honest night's work, is there?

Tell me, please - this mating ceremony,

what's it like, eh?

It's like a marriage, to the mate who's been selected for you.

Marriage?!

We get lumbered with one woman?

Until tomorrow. Then you get a divorce and marry another one.

Another one?!

That's right. Then the following day another, and so on.

Yes. Well, after two weeks of that, it'll need sewing on.

It's great fun once you get used to it.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

I don't want you to think I'm complaining at all.

I've always been an active sort of chap,

and what I'm getting at is I don't think I'm active enough to...

get married every day.

Oh, not every day!

Dear me, no. Oh. Oh, that's all right, then.

You get every other Sunday off.

Oh... by the way,

you won't try to escape, will you?

These women can get very nasty.

Escape? You must be joking!

Good luck. I'll see you at the ceremony.

And what is so amusing?

I was thinking of jungle boy. He doesn't know what he's missing.

One,

two,

three,

four,

five,

sex.

I wonder if we'll ever get to seven?

CEREMONIAL MUSIC

I've decided there are going to be some changes around here.

I do change them very frequently.

We know all about that. From now on,

Father of Countless, you are going to be husband of one.

Oh... But I thought I ought to take part in just one more ceremony

to show the three new chaps just what to do.

From my experience they already know.

Yes, but it is a very difficult and complicated ritual.

Not when I knew you it wasn't. Now, leave yourself out.

ALL: Tonka, Tonka, stick it up your honka.

FARTING SOUND

Behold the symbol of perpetuity.

By gad, sir, it's the oozlumbird.

Yes, and the male specimen to hoot.

Oh, I can clearly see its oozle.

Quiet, please. Face the mating booths.

It is written that man is the fountain of life.

ALL: Man is the fountain of life.

Without him, women are as dried-up gardens.

ALL: Women are as dried-up gardens.

They can use my sprinkler any time.

You will be serious, please.

Take it. What for?

It is the symbol of marriage.

I might have guessed.

Oh, yes? And what is this?

The symbol of fruitfulness.

Ask a silly question...

Yes.

Who on earth thought up this?

I did, as a matter of fact.

I might have known.

Make your responses after me, please.

William Boosey, Inigo Tinkle, Claude Chumley,

are you ready to assume a husband's duties?

BOTH: We are ready.

Will you perform them to the best of your ability?

BOTH: We will.

I now pronounce you ready and willing.

Behold your mates.

Blimey, who chose that lot?

Our new queen, Evelyn.

They're all yours.

Hang on, hang on! No, no...

Oh, pity, pity!

I resign!

Please, I'm in the wrong job!

Oh, put me on the dole! Oh no! Agghh! Perfidy, perfidy!

It's been a lovely three months, but I keep worrying about Lady Bagley.

No good to worry. With those bad men,

by now they all be dead as toenails.

Doornails!

Maybe, but just suppose they did escape.

After all, she is your mother, you know.

Mother, yes. Like you say, she gave bath to me.

Birth.

She gave birth to me too?

Yes! I think we ought to try and find out what's happened to them.

All right. You wish we go look, we go look.

That's a good boy.

But before we go,

we just do it one more time.

Not again, Ug. Yes, yes, please do.

There's no satisfying you, is there?

The more I do it the more I get batter.

Better... All right, then, just once more.

A poem.

Mary had a little lamb,

it's fleas was white - No, no, no. Fleece.

Sorry.

It's fleece was white as snow,

and everywhere that Mary went

the lamb was sure to go.

There. Was batter?

Much batter.

Oh, dear! Now you've got me doing it.

Now we go look for mutter who give me birth and bath.

Oh, do we have to go that way out?

Not to worry, I show you. You hold to me tight.

There. Perfect, no?

Agghh!

Wake up, wake up!

Come on, wake!

Oh, not today, dear, thank you.

Wake. This is important.

Wake her too.

Uh! What's going on?

What are you doing? Nice way to treat your queen!

You are no longer our queen.

I am taking over.

What, with him? No, alone.

Since you came, he's been useless to us.

He hasn't been a ball of fire to me either.

Don't blame me. You have too good an extinguisher.

How dare you?!

From now on you'll work with the women.

Tonka will work with the men.

Hello. Well, I'm joining you chaps now.

I'm no longer king. She is the new leader.

As your new leader, I'm dissatisfied with the results of your work.

You want to try giving us better materials to work with.

See that it improves.

There is a mating ceremony in one hour.

(ALL GROAN)

(SLURS) But this is our Sunday off.

There will be no more Sundays off.

No, no!

We're not standing for it. You can push us just so far!

You threaten me? What can you do?

What can we do? What can't we do?

We have already discovered what you can't do.

Oh, she is a miserable leader.

There's only one thing we can do - go on strike.

What is the meaning of this? We down tools.

You will refuse to work? Definitely.

We have ways of making you work.

Like this, for example - fresh oysters from our lake.

Oysters? They're no good.

They are known to be beneficial.

Rubbish. I had a dozen last night and only five worked.

We shall see in one hour.

No!

Agghh! I can't go through any more!

I've got to get out of here. Let me out!

Control yourself. Chumley, Chumley!

I can't help it. I've come to the end of my tether.

You're lucky. I can't even find mine.

It's like a factory!

All right, all right!

There's no sense running amuck.

He's terrible when his muck starts to run.

I think he's right. I couldn't take on any more of those battleaxes.

I know how you feel. It's a novelty to begin with, but it wears off.

Ugggh, ugghh, ugghh!

Can't we make a run for....

Can't we make a crawl for it?

Anything would be better than this.

And get killed?! Except that.

There must be a way out.

Look at that one!

If I get her I've had it.

Upsidasi? Yes, boss. See?

Blimey, that's a twist!

After I escape I see people capture you, so I go for help,

bring many soldiers.

Good lad. Where are they?

As the crow flies, round the corner,

up a hill and under a waterfall. How many soldiers?

As many as feet on a centipede.

100? No, ten.

Well, go and get them.

We've got to pick the right moment.

When they let us out for the ceremony.

Get them in position, wait for my signal, and we get away.

Nookadicky?

Dickanooky. What signal? Elephant call.

I know, boss. Like this...

Agghh! Agghh!

Behold the symbol of perpetuity.

# Rule Britannia

Face the mating booths.

Now?

Wait till a bit later.

Thank goodness, they're alive!

Yes, they fine.

Oh, no! Ug, look down there.

Oh, Ug, we must do something!

Don't worry, I think of something.

I now pronounce you ready and willing.

Get ready.

I know. I call my animal friends.

Behold your mates.

Blimey!

Well?

Well... Come to think of it, perhaps

this is not the right moment.

I agree. You've talked me into it.

ELEPHANT SIGNAL

That is the signal.

That wasn't me. Stop it!

(MAKES ELEPHANT CALL)

Oh, no! No, we don't want to be saved.

Isn't this sickening? We'll have to go now.

I'm not going without my bird. No, nor am I.

(CALLS) (ELEPHANTS TRUMPET)

They come. I have the oozlum.

Never mind that. Where's Tonka? Coming.

Oh no, you don't!

What's that?

Elephants!

(SHOUTS)

My friends, they do good, yes?

You stupid great ape! They came to rescue us!

The men have escaped! After them.

Run!

Wait. Take these back and look after them well.

Yes. And the others? Let them go.

At last we have some real men.

Real men?!

Oh, may she be forgiven!

We're safe.

Safe!

And it's all your doing, my baby!

And so, as the son

sank slowly into the chest,

we bade a fond farewell to Aphrodisia

and its over-hospitable people.

And now we come to the moment

that you have all undoubtedly been waiting for -

ladies and gentlemen, the oozlumbird.

GASPS

It's gone! Oh, where did it disappear to?