Original subtitles

(yawning)

Hey, babe,

Remember the night we ran out of condoms?

I did the ol' pullaroo.

Yeah. I'm five days late.

(gasping)

Oh, no!

Oh! Why, god, why?!

- (grunting) - yeah.

(grunting) go, go, go, go, go, go.

(groaning) anything?

- Camille: I got nothing! - Be right back.

- Andrew? - Okay! I'm coming! I'm coming!

Okay. Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug it! Chug it!

Go! Go! Go, pee! Pee! Pee! Pee! Pee!

What did you do?!

(breathing heavily, groaning) uh...

Setting the timer.

- Now, what? - Now, we wait.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Both: 55, 54, 53,

52, 51, 50...

Been a while since we needed

Our waiting for a pregnancy test kit.

Camille: Seriously.

I mean, this fruit leather, I think was just fruit.

We both need to think positive thoughts.

Wait. Negative thoughts.

Yeah, no, we're not having a baby.

I mean, I do love babies and dadding.

- And you're good at it, babe. - Aww...

Helping small people become big people, nothing more rewarding.

Uh-huh.

Work isn't exactly fulfilling right now.

My only win this week was cancelling a meeting

About how we don't need so many meetings.

Okay, no. Nuh-uh.

We are not having this conversation, okay?

I spent my 20s parenting young kids,

And now that they're older, I have some of that freedom back.

Yeah, but babies...

Are so wonderful. But now, it's time to live!

- (sighing) - (alarm beeping)

- (inhaling sharply) - (sighing)

- Negative. - Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Yes!

You're forgiven... This time.

- I must be late from stress. - Well, you're juggling a lot,

With cam pham eats and cookbook promotion.

You know, there is a way

To never have a pregnancy scare again,

But the balls are in your court.

Meet in one hour. Need to talk.

Smiling face with a single drop of sweat emoji.

Send.

(sighing)

Is that aftershave I smell?

Yeah, I shaved my beard.

Without me?! Let me look.

Hmm...

No nicks. Impressive.

I watched a tutorial. Can you let go of my face?

Oh... My little boy shaving his wisps.

Don't make it a thing.

I don't have to. It already is.

Ugh. (sighing)

Oh, hey. I need to borrow the van.

I gotta pick up some ingredients for an event tonight.

Oh, I was going to go garage sale hunting

After meeting up with the guys.

Valentina and I have plans.

Isn't Sunday my day to borrow the van?

Uh-oh.

Guess what it's time for?

Both: Three-way thumb war.

One, two, thumb war.

(chattering, grunting)

- Wait. Go the other way. - (chattering)

- Ahh! - Aah...

In your face, motherthumbers.

What? I'm competitive. We know this.

Andrew: Okay, hear me out.

Maybe it's time for a second vehicle.

Ugh, I wish we hadn't sold the sports car.

Oh, proposal.

Okay, as you know, I've been saving up for a used car,

But what if we split the cost?

Then, you two would have a second car when you need it,

And I could use it to hang out with my friends.

Oh, going in on a major purchase with our kid, so grown-up.

Yeah, dad, I may only be living at home for another year.

(whimpering)

Yes, yes, the kids are growing.

Okay, this car idea, I like this plan.

- You got a deal. - Nice!

Mom-- mom, you won.

Sorry. Instinct. Okay, bye.

(imitating party horn)

Can we get a ride?

? I'm ready for the ride, ride ?

? yeah, I'm ready for the night, feel it shaping up ?

I've called the boba boys together to discuss

An important life decision.

Is it whether to start a cult?

What? No, I'm never doing that.

Me neither.

Okay, what's going on buddy? You seem anxious.

Have either of you had a vasectomy?

All right, early Sunday morning crotch talk.

I have not, but I've thought about it.

It might be time for me.

For a long time, the birth control fell to camille,

Which was a lot.

We switched to condoms,

But we're ready for something more permanent.

I had a vasectomy. Best decision I ever made.

- Really? - Yeah,

Especially since I was a sperm donor for decades upon decades.

I probably have scores of children out there,

Looking for their papa.

This is great, an expert.

So, be real with me, does it hurt?

It's a total nothing-burger.

You'll be in and out of the clinic in, like, 30 minutes.

If you want,

I got a guy, one call...

(clicking tongue) ...I can get you in.

Uh, this guy, is he a doctor?

You'll love him, he's the best.

That didn't answer my question.

(cackling) I gotcha.

You really doing this?

Yeah, time for me to man up and give my wife and I

The freedom to bone at will. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? (muttering, chuckling)

Well, congrats, man.

Way to take the bull by the cojones and then just...

(clicking tongue) ...Snip them off.

I'm officially saying no to baby-related backaches,

Sleepless nights,

And diaper changes where you need a hazmat suit.

Hell yeah, never any of that again.

You want in on this? We can get the snip together.

Maybe.

I mean, like, okay, now,

We're in a new chapter of our lives now, right?

And the kids are growing up.

We need to move forward, not backward.

We'll be the snip brothers.

Snip brothers. Okay, let's do this!

? oh, snip, snip, snip, snip, I get that snip ?

? get that snip ?

? snip, snip, snip, snip, I get that snip ?

? get that snip ?

? snip, snip, snip, snip, I get that snip ?

Yeah, I got two live ones here.

(cackling)

You're welcome.

He can squeeze you in tomorrow.

(imitating record scratching) ? get that snip ?

? snip, snip, snip, snip, I get that snip ?

? get that snip ?

? snip, snip, snip, snip, I get that snip ?

? get that snip ?

? snip, snip, snip, snip, I get that snip ?

Okay, so, what are on your used car must-haves?

- My top things are... - Mm-hmm.

...Low mileage, dual airbags, and of course, abs.

Wow, very, um, safety-focused.

Yeah. Aren't you?

Hundo p. But surely, we can find something safe and fun.

Well, I think that we should get a hybrid.

If we are gonna get a second car,

We should at least try and reduce the environmental impact.

Right. Yeah. No, that's all very, um...

It's very mature.

I am practically an adult, mom.

What do you think would be on my list? A sunroof and subwoofer?

No! (chuckling nervously)

Okay, so we'll start our search tomorrow after school,

And I'm sure we can find some middle ground.

Okay, what's on yours?

Um, just-- just words.

? I'm a man with a plan ?

? and it's time you understand that ?

I mean, are we rushing this?

What if I date someone younger and she wants to have kids?

How young we talking?

Well, on the dating app I put 28 to 50.

Damn!

Fisherman of love has gotta cast a wide net.

You, uh, getting cold feet or, uh,

Cold... Something else?

I don't know. I'm just thinking about

How much fun it was when mannix was little.

You know that stage where everything is new to them?

They're so innocent.

The littlest, most ordinary things

Fills them with such wonder.

One time, khia ate a bottle cap because it was shiny.

They need you so much because you protect them from the world.

Then, I held her by her feet and shook the bottle cap out of her.

Anyways...

I'm just taking left turns down memory lane.

- Yeah. - But we're men

And we're moving on to this new phase of our lives.

Yes.

We'll save thousands of dollars on condoms

From the bulk emporium.

Thousands? Totally.

Let's do this.

? snip, snip, snip, snip ? I get that snip ?

? get that snip ?

? snip, snip, snip, snip ?

? I get that snip, get that snip ?

? snip, snip, snip, snip ?

- ? get that snip ? - uh, mr. Hawksley?

Good luck, buddy.

See you on the flippity snip side.

(andrew sighing)

?

Okay! I mean, I think this is it.

It's a hybrid, it's got all the safety features.

But it's $8,000 and our budget is $7,000.

Okay, the tag is the cost for suckers.

Remember your haggling lessons.

Name your price, point out deficiencies,

Let them fill the silence and be willing to walk away.

That's my baby girl. Now, fyi,

Car salesmen are notoriously sexist.

They try to make you feel like an idiot.

I wouldn't be surprised if the guy was some,

Like, slick talker in a cowboy hat.

(door opening)

Oh. What did I tell you?

Listen, don't be intimidated.

I have dealt with guys like this my entire life.

Uh, excuse me.

- Sir? - Hey there.

Hey there. (chuckling)

I'm declan, and what a commitment

To be out on a day like today.

Sorry, we thought the other guy was...

Oh, uh, that's my dad.

Yeah, I run the place

Since he retired, and sometimes, he visits.

Um, actually, we're interested in this car.

Oh, awesome. Uh, what are your names?

Khia and camille pham.

Oh, very nice to meet you both.

And am I getting mother and daughter

Buying car together vibes?

- Yes. - You are.

I love that.

It's, like, so empowering.

Yeah, it is actually empowering.

Look at us.

Wielding our power.

Hang on.

Aren't you the same camille pham who has a weekly cooking segment

On my favourite tv show?

- Guilty. - (both laughing)

Yeah, but just for the next couple weeks,

Until it becomes good morning kaylee.

But you're the best thing on it!

- I know! - (both laughing)

Okay, back to the car.

Can we go down to seven? The mileage is a bit high.

Oh, great car, khia.

And you know, it's always women who have done their research

And know a great find when they see one.

- So true. - Yeah.

Now, that I see what you're looking for, though,

Can I suggest another car? It's the same ballpark,

It's just got a little bit more... Oomph!

- You know? - Oh, okay.

And I think you two deserve to be in something special.

Oh...

Okay, that is fun.

- And it's got a sunroof! - Uh-huh.

And it's not a hybrid.

Oh, khia, I totally hear you.

Like, climate change, it's real and it's here.

- It's here. - (both laughing)

But this is super economical on gas,

And the environmental impacts are practically the same.

And cost even more.

I mean, I could bring it down for you guys,

I mean, give you my employee discount.

You would do that? Huh.

I'm an ally. My favourite movie is barbie.

I am declan-ough.

Uh...

- A second on the car? - Yeah, yeah.

- Yep. - We didn't agree on this.

Okay, let's keep an open mind, okay?

He's an ally.

(chuckling) come on.

Should we take it for a test drive?

Oh, you got the keys.

- Right on. - (both speaking gibberish)

Okay! I'll go first!

Declan: Back seat!

(chuckling) after me!

Sebastian says you're the best in the biz.

How long you been giving bros the snip?

Oh, we moved on from snipping. Now, we puncture the scrotum,

Pull out the vas deferens, cauterize them,

So sperm can't get through.

Cauterize? As in burn?

Oh, don't worry. You'll be numb.

You won't feel a thing, but you'll definitely smell it.

Oh, good.

Focus, mr. Pham because, once we're through with you,

Your reproducing days will be over.

Right. No more babies.

All right, let's drop those pants.

I just remembered, I forgot to, uh, move the laundry.

Don't want that musty smell. I'll reschedule. Bye now.

Never pegged him for a runner.

Do you validate parking?

No. I, uh, just figured I'd ask.

Andrew?

There's my dog.

Get in here.

Ugh. Feels like someone kicked me in the nether.

Where'd you go? I thought we were going to cab home together.

Oh, I wanted to surprise you with my dope recovery zone.

We got snacks, ice packs, comfy blankets,

Heated and weighted.

Aka hot and heavy.

You still numb?

I am not... Numb.

Just, uh, sore.

Oh! Ooh, that is cold, that is cold.

And your area itchy?

So itchy. You know, it's like I got poison ivy,

You know, in my pants.

Yeah. What about your toes, are they tingly?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah.

You didn't get the snip! Aah!

- How'd you know? - Oh, I know when you're lying.

You're like an open book with extra-large font,

Like for seniors.

You bailed and didn't even tell me!

Hudson, I'm sorry, I panicked.

They burned my deferens! (whimpering)

I'm sorry I did this to you.

- I'm sorry! - No!

No! I thought we were in this together.

- Don't go. - Oww!

- I owe you something. - Yeah, a proper explanation.

A grand gesture.

I brought you into the snip brothers

And your groin paid the price.

To make things even, my groin will pay the price.

What?!

Kick me in the bits!

You're joking.

(exhaling sharply)

Whenever you're ready, my friend.

As I said, whenever you are ready.

Hudson!

Why won't you kick me in the nuts?!

Oh, that felt good!

And that subwoofer was ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-banging!

Oh... Right? You two look like girl bosses in that.

(camille laughing)

Camille, khia,

I want you to have the car of your dreams.

I think I can bring the cost down...

To $9,500.

Still out of our budget.

Well, I think we can dig a little deeper.

What? Mom, no.

Camille, I want you to feel seen.

You keep taking care of everyone else.

Mm-hmm.

Now, it's time to take care of you.

(sighing) mom,

He's just trying to sell you the more expensive car.

Okay, well, we drove the car, and it was great.

Why? Because it had a subwoofer and sunroof?

Yeah, and it was fun.

Is that so bad?

I will make up the price difference.

Declan, let's talk details.

Mom, get whatever car you want.

I'm out.

(door opening, closing)

- Hey, dad? - Yeah?

I kind of overheard you and hudson.

Did he get a vasectomy?

(sighing) yeah.

I was going to, too, but I chickened out.

Hudson usually loves my grand gestures and forgives me,

But not this time.

So, if you did get it, would it still,

Like, work?

Oh, oh, oh. Okay, okay. Good q, good q.

It all works. The tap isn't shut off.

There's still flow.

So, the pipes aren't dry?

Correct. The pipes are filled with...

Let's say, water.

They can trickle or gush.

Ugh. Don't say "gush".

Yeah, I didn't enjoy that either.

But the water is kind of filtered.

So, it's a pretty big decision if you get this done.

Well, definitely.

And you'd feel like it was a big change...

And kind of vulnerable.

Uh... Yeah, I guess I would.

Hudson needs me to be vulnerable, too.

Good talk.

How'd you do that?

Just finished a unit on radical empathy.

From sperm to man, that's my boy.

Good job, little buddy.

I know I need to apologize to hudson and be vulnerable.

I just haven't figured out how yet.

(muffled:) well, why did you bail on your vasectomy?

- What's that? - Oh.

(in normal voice:) why did you bail on your vasectomy?

I thought you were feeling good about it.

I don't know.

Well, I guess we're both on the outs.

Khia and I disagreed about which car to get

And now she's super mad. I have no idea why.

Parenting is changing so much as they get older.

You know, you have been talking a lot

About how grown up the kids are.

Maybe that's the reason for your... Hesitation.

Oh, damn.

Maybe you're onto something.

- Okay, do me. - Sure.

You missed out on a lot of youthful fun in your 20s

And you want to make up for that now,

Hence wanting a sexy car,

Despite the obvious impracticalities.

Did I get it?

Dammit.

Yeah, I got it.

Khia,

Look, I'm sorry about yesterday.

I pushed for a flashy car because of my own issues.

But I'll find some other way to let loose. We'll get the hybrid.

And I suck and you are good. Come on, say something.

Let them fill the silence, baby.

Oh, well played.

We're in this 50-50.

You were supposed to treat me as an equal.

I get it, but I'm still the adult with more life experience.

Yeah, but I see things that you don't,

Like declan manipulating you.

"manipulating" is a strong word.

He doesn't watch good morning gloria.

He looked you up on his phone.

Oh. Okay. Yes,

He flattered me and I went with it.

I guess-- you know, I guess I enjoyed it.

Validation shouldn't come from other people.

After all of your success and hard work this year,

You should do it for yourself.

Okay. Yeah, you know stuff.

Thank you.

Let me help you.

(sighing) uh, no.

Adults pack their own lunch. Sorry.

But part of adulting is delegation, so...

Please, go nuts.

(chuckling) a bigger spoon helps.

I will be your little spoon.

(giggling)

I make my own dress out of scarves I found in the tree,

So...

I thought you said it was just us.

I have many roles in this life.

Today, mediator. Tomorrow, ninja turtle.

It's my nephew's birthday party.

Hey, sebastian. Hey, hudson.

Now, remember, guys, you're best friends.

This is just a dip in a lifetime of friendship.

A snip-dip, if you will.

Now, who wants to begin?

I will.

Hudson, I'm really sorry,

Especially for lying to you about going through with it.

That part hurt.

And the vasectomy, that also hurt.

I was having doubts and you convinced me.

I know, I'm sorry if you have regrets.

Good thing vasectomies are reversible.

I've had mine reversed many times.

Best decision I ever made.

Actually, I'm good.

It was the right call for me.

Great, but I'm not done being radically vulnerable.

Carry on, friend.

For 15 years, being a stay-at-home dad

Was my whole identity, and I rocked it.

But khia and leo are growing up.

They don't need me like they used to.

Without young kids to take care of, who am I?

You started thinking about having another baby.

Well, yeah, but I know,

Deep down, it's just a thought.

Camille and I are ready to move forward, not backwards.

I got to embrace who I am when I'm not parenting.

Next chapter, baby.

No, no, baby.

Nice.

Not gonna lie,

I'm not looking forward to that burning flesh smell.

I ripped the stress ball they gave me in half.

You guys, you can always be sedated for the whole procedure.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Remix!

(beatboxing, heavy breathing)

? snip, snip, gonna get that snip ?

- ? snippy-doo ? - ? snippy, snip ?

? gonna get that snip ?

You hear that? She purrs like a kitten, don't she?

Didn't he supposedly retire?

Camille, khia, how are you?

Did you iron things out?

What's up with your dad?

My... Dad?

Oh, yeah,

I needed some extra help. He's just pitching in.

- It's not his dad, is it? - Nope.

This is just the young, supposedly feminist guy

That they send out to upsell cars to women.

Yep.

You know, you are worse

Than old cowboy hat over there, preying on women's insecurities.

Yeah, it's gross. And today, you lost a sale.

And now, the walk-away.

Wait!

I need a sale. Please?

I'll get you a deal on that hybrid.

? we'll fight the fight ?

? till the battle is won ?

? we're gonna scream from the top of our lungs ?

? we won't stop till the last one's standing ?

? we are the heroes, we are the champions ?

? nah nah nah nah nah-nah-nah-nah ?

? nah nah nah nah, nah-nah-nah-nah ?

? we are the heroes, we are the champ-- ?

(groaning)

Our boba boy's about to become a boba man.

Oh, good. He's not getting away this time.

(chuckling)

(mumbling:) ? snip, snip, gonna get that snip ?

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