Original subtitles

Welcome to Intimate Inmate, matching you sexy soon-to-be parolees

with the most desperate, impressionable bachelors in town.

Hi. I'm Jim. I'm in the market for someone to have intercourse with.

I don't ever have intercourse because most women are repulsed by the fact that I...

Doris!

What'd I tell you about watching dating profiles on my TV/VCR combo unit?!

Oh. Sorry, Serenity.

I'm getting out next week, so decided to start weighing my options.

Hi. I'm Bob. I'm looking for a chick that I can have financial superiority over.

Are you listening!? Turn this off and put something on I enjoy!

Hi! I'm Darby. I'm a former criminal lawyer. And I love a good scallop.

Due to a dark cloud of existential loneliness that worsens

with every birthday, I've decided to give this dating thing a shot.

You've pushed me too far, you selfish jerk!

So, what do ya say?

Are you the tide to push my lifeboat off this endless ocean of sadness?

Why so serious?!

What the hell, dude?! Did you break into my car?!

No! I lifted a key out of your house last night and made a copy

while you were sleeping. Don't be so paranoid!

Why would you do that?!

'Cause last week we missed Boy Time

trying to rendezvous in this labyrinth of a parking lot.

Now I can duck out early and wait in your car with the windows rolled up and no A/C!

You know, like dogs do.

Actually, Theo, I think I'm gonna have to miss Boy Time again this week.

Yeah, yeah, totally. I totally understand.

Really?! Oh, thank God! I was so scared to tell you!

I know how much Boy Time means to... to us.

Come on, dude. What do I look like? Some needy girlfriend?

No. No, you do not.

"But, Darby, I haven't seen you all day! What about our romantic evening together?"

Hey, I need my space, lady!

"But, Darby, we were supposed to fart in jars and make each other smell them

before we make love and watch 'Toy Story 3,' remember?"

That's a weird take on what couples do together.

No, but what's the special occasion that you can't make it to Boy Time, bro?

- I'm going on a date! - You son of a bitch!

What's gotten into you, fool?!

Me?! You're the one breaking Boy Time code! No romantic relationships! Ever!

You have a family to go home to every night. Me, I got no one, man.

Cool. Do you know where the nearest grocery store with automatic doors is?

'Cause if they don't open due to the motion sensors not picking me up,

it'll just confirm that I'm fucking invisible!

Come on! Theo! Don't be like that!

Bye! Bye, dude. See ya later. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye, dude. See ya.

Bye-Bye. Bye. Bye, dude. Bye, Darb. Goodbye. Peace out.

Okay! Well, I'll be out on a date with the future Mrs. Blarchardt, so...

Hey!

Hey! The day we matched, I got so excited I bought these for you!

Are these your favorite color? Yellow?

Tell me everything there is to know about you!

Do you... remember me?

You mean the lady from the most riveting Intimate Inmate profile

I ever laid eyes on? Doesn't ring a bell. Anyways...

Can't believe you were horny enough to show your...

...surprisingly still chiseled face around here.

Horny doesn't even begin to describe how wet I am for tonight.

Come on! I'll take you to our house. Hop in.

Hey, maybe we can re-paint it together.

Look at us. Already planning couple activities.

Ya see, the trap is forgetting our disease can do gymnastics

around our old broken-down asses.

Convince us that we got the upper hand and then kill us

the second we turn our backs.

Well, guess what. Today I wanna be alive!

- Speak it. - One day at a time.

Great share, Brad. Theo, ain't heard from you in a while.

Anything new going on in TheoTown?

Where do I begin? I got this so-called "pal"

who's decided he wants to betray our code of honor and get a "girlfriend" now.

And I'm not gonna lie... it hurts. And I'm gettin' the itch again.

I mean, on my way here, I was just fantasizing

about that studded belt sitting in my dresser,

that beautiful sturdy knob on my bedroom door.

Tossing all caution aside and going Valhalla on my rock-hard wiener

as I forget all the ills of existing.

- But we shouldn't. We could die. - There you go. You said it.

- Not jacking tonight. - Amen. Not my dick.

- Stay strong. - Not tonight.

Every night counts.

Okay! You ready? Got you your own La-Z-Boy.

Now we can watch my shows as a couple! Do you love it?

What's that room?

That's my studio.

I actually got some... work I need to finish up in there tonight.

Hope you don't mind.

Because you absolutely cannot enter when that red light is on!

Under no circumstances. Understand? You think you can handle dinner tonight?

Got your boning knives, your steak knives, electric carver.

But if you're still having trouble slicing this baby up, use this cleaver.

This baby'll cut through anything. Now get to butcherin'.

And don't worry.

I got the e studio sound-proofed so you'll get no distractions from me.

I could let out a blood-curdling scream in there, you wouldn't hear a peep.

No one would. Love you!

Listen to me. We're moving so fast!

And that's why they don't let me in Banjo Billy's anymore.

That's a banger of a story, Cody!

Number 49, table's ready, fellas.

Should we make it a table for four?

See ya, guys. Those guys were awesome.

- Darby leave you hangin' again, T? - Leave me hangin'?

Guy was like, "Theo, don't go to Kenny's Lobster Shack without me.

That's our special thing.

"Yeah, okay, Darb. Cut to... me sitting here.

How's that crab rangoon?

- Good? - Yeah, it's alr...

Yeah, I haven't tried it yet. Supposed to be pretty good, though. From what I hear.

Thinking about giving it a spin. We'll see.

- What do you give it? - What?

What do you give it? Six? Seven?

On the scale. The Richter scale. Rangoon scale!

- I dunno. Good. -"Good"? That's it?

Dude, do yourself a favor and hit up Johnny's Seafood Barn over on Truxtun.

They've got a rangoon that's in the twelves.

You'll fuckin' jizz your underwear!

Look, sir, my wife and I are just trying to have a date night, okay?

Can you just leave us alone, please?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no problem. What am I... some needy guy at the bar?

Don't answer that! I'm just fucking with you, dude. Relax.

What exit you guys take to get here?

Okay, Hector, give me an update. Where we at turning that 6 into a 14?

Do I add 7?

Add 7? I'm-a put you on hold. Gotta run the math on that.

Hey. Remind me who's on this line again.

It's Ellie!

Ellie, my dear. So, according to the text, oxygen gas has no color.

But can you tell me what color the liquid and solid forms are?

Green? Close.

Think on that while I get back to Hector. Ellie, I just hung up on you.

- Call back on my cell! Number's 805... - I add five?

No, not you, Hector! You figure out how to change that 8 to a 5 yet?

Five?

Hey! Get out! Get out of here! Get the hell out of here!

Who is this guy now?!

He runs a public-access show to help kids with homework?! He's a good man!

I could never forget a date this important.

Focus, Doris! He ruined your life and doesn't even remember you! He must die!

- What in the cuss was that?! - Oh, boy!

- How much did you hear? - I'm not talking about your farts!

I'm talking about you interrupting a live taping of "Homework Hotline."

The future of our nation depends on those kids and their education!

And helping them requires my full attention.

You could have just told me what you were doing in there.

Sorry I don't flaunt my kindness for clout like one of these webpage celebrities.

Oh, my. Here we are. Our first fight. I'm sorry. It's been a long night.

How 'bout we start over?

Listen. I know a little spot with all-you-can-eat scallops.

- I love scallops. - I know.

You vaguely alluded to it in your profile. It's what made me wet.

Vodka tonic, please.

- Hey! Check it out! - Yeah. Same shirt.

No, you dipshit. I'm him!

I'm sorry. I don't follow. I got this at a yard sale.

Name... three songs. Now!

Look. It's not like I believe in some "force of creation"

that's "beyond our understanding."

It's deeper than that. It's like a man.

A super-white, Caucasian man, with a beard, who lives in the sky judging us...

Sorry. I'm rambling. Me and my big-ass brain.

That's beautiful. I just hope he's okay with murder.

And for what it's worth, your ex-husband sounds like a real "shellfish" jerk.

Darby!

You know, I was a real arrogant prick my whole life,

and I'll spend every moment I have left trying to make up for it,

so take it from me... I can fix you.

I said take off your shirt!

- Hey, Theo! That's enough! - I don't mean it in a sleazy way, moron!

She doesn't know one song. She's a poser. We got a poser here, everyone!

- You need to leave, dawg. - I'm leaving!

So this is the hussy you're parading around town now!

- Hey! Don't talk to her like that! - Darby, who is this?

It's no one. Just a bro from work.

Ex-bro, bro! Word of advice, lady, don't be fooled by this asshole's cunning way

with words and fresh take on God and spirituality,

his false promises to fix you, to help you, then he leaves you high and dry!

I'm a jack-hang addict, okay? And he was my sponsor.

He bailed on me tonight when I needed him the most!

You're done.

He's the biggest poser in here! You hear me?! A shellfish jerk!

He'll always be a shellfish jerk!

- Stebe? - Oh, hey, Theo.

Sorry. Was I being too loud again?

No. I kinda... need someone to bro out with tonight,

and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to, I dunno, hang out with me?

Yeah.

I got a few things going on tonight, but I can probably move some stuff around.

But, yeah, yeah. I think I can make it work.

Hey, you're in need of a bro, and I happen to know a brother

who'd be happy to oblige.

Okay. Cool.

It's happening. Today the tides turn in your favor, Stebe. Don't blow it.

He's the lucky one. Remember that. He is.

Not you. Everyone wants to hang out with you.

They're just too big of pussies to ask. You hear me? You're the big dog now!

It's time to show them what they've been missing out on all these years.

Okay. You ready?

I've planned the perfect day for us.

We're gonna go see the giant scallop of Oxnard, a full day's drive away.

All we gotta do is drive through the long Omarosa Forest Highway.

It's a massive dead zone

with no cell service or a living soul for a hundred miles.

We'll be completely alone and vulnerable out there! But don't you worry,

I'll let you take that cleaver you love so much if you need protection.

So, what do ya say?

- Perfect. - Yeah!

Sorry to keep you waitin'. Wasn't any Croix left in the fridge,

so had to hit up my secret stash out in the garage.

But let's keep that between you and me, huh?

There ya go.

Look at us. A couple of Croix Bois.

The heck? This thing broken? You take a sip of that...

I think it's fine. You take a sip of that Croix yet? You're in for a treat.

The bubbles tickle my mustache.

Taste that? That's Peach-Pear, baby.

That's right. Didn't think I'd remember your flavor, did you?

Well, I'm not surprised. Turns out a lot of people underestimate your big bro.

No, wait. Peach-Pear is Mel Dennison's flavor, isn't it?

Hold on. Don't tell me.

You're a Tangerine guy, aren't ya?

I can't do tangy personally. I go more subtle.

In fact, I know it's controversial, but...

I actually like the coconut one.

- What exit you take to get here? - Oh, my God! What the fuck is this?!

The government should station you at Guantanamo

'cause this is the worst torture session I've ever had to endure!

God damn, you're a fuckin' snooze, Stebe! Fucking loser!

And, by the way, it's Pamplemousse! My favorite flavor is Pamplemousse!

I had fun.

God! What a loser! Is that what his inner monologue sounds like?

How does he live with himself?! Jesus! So sad, dude!

How did my life get so bad that I'm sitting here forced

to listen to La Croix small talk? What a fall from grace.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!

I'm kidding. I know we still got a ways to go.

I was just referencing how annoying kids are in the movies.

Why did you insist on wearing that blindfold?

You think you're the only one who likes surprises?

I can't wait tosee this scallop. Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Oh, crap! Shut up! Shut up for a second!

Homework Hot... Darby's personal line. How can I help you?

Darb, I have some bad news. Are you standing up?

No. I'm sitting.

Okay. Good. It's about Theo. He jack-hanged last night.

- What?! - It's alright.

He's okay. But the doctor said if he'd been strapped

to that doorknob any longer, he'd be dead. We're lucky Matt found him in time.

It's all my fault. I got him Croix'd up, and things got out of hand.

When am I gonna learn that some people can't Croix as hard as I can?

Yeah.

- Wait. You're a fellow Croix Boi, huh? - Yeah.

My guy, you gotta swing by the house some time and...

Oh, thank God. Doris, we have to turn around!

Sorry, Darby, but this is a one-way trip.

You don't understand! It's Theo! He jack-hanged and ended up in the hospital!

And what about our special day you promised?

Look. I was planning to propose to you, okay? Here's the ring.

Who the fuck have you become?!

You were my lawyer and you left me on the stand years ago,

which defaulted to my immediate conviction and incarceration as per the law!

I'm here because I want to kill you!

Well, I don't care if you want to kill me.

Spending time with you is the happiest I've ever been in my whole life.

That's why I wanted to take you to the Oxnard scallop.

Because it's the perfect place to begin a lifelong commitment.

Theo and I can catch up later. Let's just go check out this big scallop.

You've got a bro in the hospital who needs you. Go. Be with him.

Because even as I look into those big sexy eyes of yours,

I can't help but know that one day your slightest misstep

will reignite my own stupid resentment

for you and the rest of this endless ocean of sadness...

...and I will kill you.

Go!

Are you kidding?! It looks terrifying out there!

Run.

This is the saddest day of my life.

Bye! See ya! See ya later!

Bye! Bye, now!

Take care! See ya on the flip side!

Bye! Bye-bye! Goodbye! Bye! Goodbye!

Bye!

And... act.

Hi. I'm Theo. I haven't dated in a while due to a life

plagued by heartache and rejection.

You'd think you'd build up a tolerance to those things, but you don't.

And you know what I've come to realize,

thanks to my jack-hang sponsor and best bro? It's okay to feel sad.

It doesn't need to be fixed because now you get to experience life

through the prism of someone who feels sad.

I'm more convinced than ever that this search for love

is worth every second of pain that comes with it. So, what do ya say?

Are you the tide to push my lifeboat off this endless ocean of sadness?

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