Original subtitles

And finally, I'd like to dedicate

The Hottest Woman Ever award to my fellow nominees.

Nikki, Emily? It's been an honor to be nominated alongside you.

Move it, Deb, I gotta take a fat piss!

Jesus! What is wrong with you!?

Now that I got the zPad, I pee sitting down.

What are you wearing, dude?

If you're gonna walk around in pajamas, put on a Snuggie. You look gross!

Oh, really? You might want to keep your headphones on tonight

if you don't wanna be kept awake

by the rhythmic banging of Stebe and I's headboard.

No can do. This baby came with a free trial of zMusic.

I'm taking my dad through the entire TainT discography tonight.

Got a long night ahead of us.

Showtime. Hope Stebe's ready to lambaste me with some disgusting dirty talk.

Oh, hey, Deb. I'm watching a news piece about schools censoring

"Huck Finn"'s aggressive use of the N-word.

Oh, hey. Ya like what you see?

It's a hot-button issue, but Twain did say it was meant to challenge the reader.

The lingerie, Stebe!

You know, actually, I'm not... I'm not sure I'm up for that, Deb.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm just a little... tired. Yeah, that's it. Tired.

Will I ever be normal again?

Look at this fat tub of shit.

Hey, it's okay! I can say it, 'cause that tub of shit is me.

Hi! I'm Keith, founder of MyCycle, a new, fun, virtual, meditative exercise

that connects you with other riders supporting each other

in obtaining that perfect body and achieving maximum zen.

So join me and my hand picked group of elite riders as we personally lead you

towards a spiritual awakening. See you there, Deb.

So we're 3 albums deep and can't miss.

Now Bakersfield's golden boys were gonna send shockwaves through the industry

with "A TainT NuMetal Clit-mas"!

Eighteen original tracks for the holiday season.

Track one? "All I Want For Christmas is NU"!

What?

Stop playing me this fucking shit!

Does this mean my super-old dad doesn't like NuMetal?

Guess who's home early!

Deb? Deb? What's going on in there?

Deshaun!

Deb! Why didn't you tell me we were having Deshaun over, dude?

Deb called me about that leak downstairs.

Your culprit's right here behind this drywall.

Stebe, you can't let these things go, man. You could get mold.

Alright, guys, you're doing great!

Hey! Deb! Who's that clown on the bicycle screen in our bedroom?!

Stebe, relax. It's Keith, my MyCycle trainer.

Alright, everybody, focus on my rock-hard glutes.

Follow their rhythm.

What is this filth? And what the hell do you need an exercise bike for?

Maybe to give my body more attention than you ever do.

- What's that supposed to mean? - You want me to step out?

- No! - You need to hear this, Deshaun.

Stebe, some of us aren't blessed with the ability to sneak into the kitchen,

scarf down pizza pockets at 2:00 a.m., and wake up with the same sexy dad bod.

- I have to work for my dad bod. - What?

You're gonna tell me you haven't been late night snacking?

You promised you'd quit with me!

You're losing your mind, Deb! I'm worried about you, seriously!

I'm seriously worried about you. I'm not listening to this crap!

Oh, that sounds like quite the Adam Sandler film, Tomothy.

I am a Adam Sandler fiend.

Do you wanna watch me take a shower?

After a laugh like that, I could use a rinse.

So what do you think of our facilities, Tomothy?

Your technology is like nothing I've ever seen.

And it's all fueled by our very own patented zEnergy...

a reliable, self-sustaining fuel source

generated and harnessed entirely under this roof.

Is there a problem, Tomothy?

- No? - Then welcome to the Zeebos family!

Really? Thank you, Mr. Zeebos.

Tomothy, you are now one of my children.

Actually, I prefer Tom.

This was going beautifully!

I took a shower in front of you!

Put my genitals in your face! And you said nothing!

But you couldn't just accept the name I generously bestowed upon you?

I'm sorry! Tomothy is fine.

If I plan on making zEnergy the preferred fuel source across the globe,

then I need an unpaid intern with blind loyalty.

Not an insubordinate who refuses to go by Tomothy!

I need this zPad fixed stat!

Sir, this is our main office. If you broke your zPad,

I can provide directions to our nearest customer-friendly zStore...

I'm no customer, lady. I account for upwards of 500 plays on your music app.

I'm basically a shareholder. I'll take a shit in the Koi pond if I want to!

Oh, you're kicking me out now? I didn't even do nothing!

I'm not having a meltdown! I'm a master of burying my emotions.

It's why my dad loves me. And my art.

Understood. Father wishes to see him.

You work for your dad? Shaking my damn head!

Alright! Almost there!

- We're close! - Yes!

It's happening!

That's it!

Great ride, everybody! Same time tomorrow, alright?

Hey, Deb? Hey, do you mind taking a private ride with me?

Actually, Keith, I'm a bit... tired.

Yeah. I overstepped. I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, huh?

No, no! I guess I could handle one more ride.

So I have a confession to make. My eyes were locked on your feed all session.

For training purposes!

This weekend I'm hosting our Elite Retreat, exclusively for elite riders.

We do it every year at my humble abode just outside Bakersfield.

You should join us!

I'd really love for you to come. To the retreat!

- Mom? - What?! I didn't do nothing!

What?!

Hey! Where am I, asshole?

Why, you're in the future!

Pure, clean, zEnergy!

I am George Zeebos.

But in this building, I'm known simply as "Father."

Hello, Theon Hornsby.

The name's Theo, dickhead!

How about a test of strength? Can you pick up the two cans in front of you?

You wanna see strength?

Check out some footage of me in the pit at Woodstock '94!

I can't let go!

- State your name. - Theo!

- Say it again. - Theo.

- Once more. - Theo.

- Are you happy? - Yeah.

- Are you happy? - Yes?

- Are you happy? - I said yes!

Are you lonely?

You're projecting, dude. You're totally projecting.

- Are you mad your father broke your zPad? - What?

Are you mad your father hates your music?

- What are you talking about, dude? - Do you want a father who values you?

- You're crazy, man. - Do you want a father who values you?

More than anything!

Would you like to be my new unpaid intern, Theon Hornsby?

Yes... Father.

Deb! Deb, where are you going?

Oh, I'm going on a weekend retreat for MyCycle.

Guess I'm an elite rider now. Not bad, huh?

- But who's gonna order dinner? - Yeah, we need to eat, Deb.

Order your own god damn dinner! Love ya!

Don't fuck Keith!

- You like your salad? - Yeah. It's good.

- Where's Uncle Theo? - Alright, that's enough small talk, okay?

If we're gonna get through this weekend, I need some peace and quiet during dinner.

Can you just give me that... Hey! Deshaun! Chef BoyarDeshaun in the house!

D's Signature Spicy Lasagna, fresh out of the oven.

Be careful, now. That baby's got some kick.

"Got some kick"! What is that? Is that a rap phrase?

Nope it's a very common expression.

"Some kick!" Definitely holding on to that one.

But, Stebe, just want you to know... if you need to talk about Deb, I'm here.

I've been trying to find a reason she'd just walk out like that.

And there are many. But they all point to this being my fault,

when my gut is telling me it's gotta be Matt's fault.

Stebe, Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over

and expecting different results."

We fall in love, get married, and end up making the same stupid mistakes,

but for some unfathomable reason, our soulmates stick by our side.

Then one day, you look at their body and you realize you've seen it in the bedroom,

in the kitchen, in the shower, on the toilet,

and that you have done everything imaginable to it.

- You guys want me to leave? - No! Matt, this is important.

And we're just insane enough to question why the spark isn't what it used to be.

Lava cakes'll be up soon. Leave some room for dessert, fellas.

You think mom's having sex right now?

Well, hello there. You must be here for the Elite Retreat.

Yes! Actually, Keith personally invited me.

- I think we can squeeze you in. -"Squeeze" me in?

And these are the living quarters. But before we press on,

I'd like to show you something, just inside this ominously dark chamber.

Come, Theon. Peer down my telescope.

- Holy shit fart! Is this my room?! - No, Theon. It is mine.

You're a TainT fan?

How could one deny the raw talent exhibited

on the revolutionary self-titled debut?

Outshined only by the polished sound of sophomore release, "DickFist"?

And on and on, each album better than the one before it.

You are the father I never had.

You're doing great, guys. Ashley, you are blowing my mind today!

After the session, maybe I can do another Jell-O shot off your abs, Keith.

You're crazy, Ash! Wait a tick!

Now Deb's bringing the heat! Deb, you are crushing it!

Thank you, Keith.

Deb, you are crushing it!

Thank...

Oh, my God! Your eyeball!

Amen, Deb! She's got the right idea. Hey, let's push it!

The pedals! They're going too fast!

I can't get out!

Hey, what's going on, guys? I'm noticing some dips in energy!

- What?! - You love to see it!

- Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm gonna... - Take a look at my elite riders over here!

Hey, slow down, guys! You're gonna put me out of a job!

Alright, everybody, focus on my rock-hard glutes.

We need to motivate each other. You can do it, Ashley!

Oh, my God!

Help!

Great ride, everybody!

- Keith?! - In the flesh.

Keith, please! What's happening?

Get back here! She's property of Father now!

What in Jiminy Cricket is going on out there?

Got a problem. Someone's stolen the zEnergy conduit.

A MyCycle studio overloaded before we could shut down power.

It's only a matter of time before the whole system flatlines.

Come, Theon. Time for a game of catch.

- We have to jump! - What's down there?

Trust me.

Hey, Stebe.

Deshaun! How'd you get in here? Didn't you go home like six hours ago?

The fuck are you eating at 2:00 in the god damn morning?

Nothing! I just came down to watch Jimmy Fallon.

Is that a fuckin' pizza pocket?

It must be Matt's! You should be throwing a bread box at him!

Deshaun, you're just creating more work for yourself!

The only thing that needs fixing 'round here is you, motherfucker.

You looked Deb in the eyes and promised her that you would quit this crap.

I did quit!

Bullshit! You don't deserve that beautiful woman.

You think I don't know that?!

She anticipates everything I want before I even know I want it.

And she asks me for one thing...

to join her in quitting our late-night snack sessions.

Yet here I am, still stuffing my face with pizza pockets every night.

And now my web of lies has her thinking that I'm not into her hot body anymore,

when I'm really just afraid to tell her the truth.

Part of me even wonders if I pushed her away because deep down I want her to find

the accountability partner that she deserves.

I'm gonna wrap this up now because the adrenaline is wearing off

and I feel an avalanche of emotions I did not anticipate!

You know what kinda motherfuckers cry, Stebe?

No.

Real-ass motherfuckers. That's who. And you just became an honorary member.

Hey, you're safe now.

You're bleeding. Here, let me help.

- What is this place? - My humble abode.

I started MyCycle to help people get the hot bods they only dreamed of.

Till Zeebos bought the company with one goal in mind... to use my riders,

turning them into human power generators.

Here. This is the conduit.

It's what keeps this whole place running. You have to destroy it.

It's the key component to successfully run zEnergy.

zEnergy!

Oh, crap.

Looks like this is the end of the line for me.

No! Don't talk like that.

And I just want you to know... watching you ride that out-of-control bike...

it really got me going.

Keith!

It's true. You're the greatest student I've ever had.

I'll never forget you... Ashley.

What'd you just call me?

Ashley. That's your name, right? I overheard it during class.

How do you know about Ashley?

Were you watching as we were all being ground into sausage?

Sorry! Did I not just mention how watching you cycle gave me a boner?

Did I not just mention that? What is wrong with you?

Oh, my God. What is wrong with me? What am I doing! You don't even know me.

Theo? What are you doing here?

Getting my zPad fixed. What are you doing here!?

- You know this vermin, Theon? - Yeah, this guy lives in my house.

Then you shall do the honors.

Deb, give him the conduit! You're being a dick right now!

Me!? He's using slaves to power zEnergy!

- zEnerg... - Shut the fuck up!

Do it, Theon. You could be the unpaid intern I've been searching for.

That is, unless she hands me that conduit this instant.

Yes, Father.

What is wrong with you?! Let's just go home!

That's my ex-father's home! I have a new father now.

Get her, my child!

Get off me! You effing wish, bro! What the...

Zeebos lied to me. This means... he also doesn't like NuMetal?

Theo. We live our whole lives searching for validation,

especially from those we love the most. We're not wrong for that.

But maybe if we took a second to look inside ourselves,

we wouldn't end up looking in stupid places.

And who knows? Maybe we'd even end up with different results. Deshaun told me that.

A handyman for the soul, that guy.

Oh, shit! The conduit!

No!

Hey, Keith!

- Thanks. - Hey, swing by my place any time.

- You can do Jell-O shots off my abs. - No, thanks.

Theo, listen. I have to be honest.

The self-titled debut doesn't do much for me.

But "DickFist" does have some absolute bangers.

Deb! I want you to know that I'm sorry. You were right.

I have been sneaking downstairs

and eating myself into a state of unconsciousness every night.

And one particular night,

I took a bite of a freshly microwaved pizza pocket and this happened.

The filling scalded my penis, rendering it utterly useless.

Who is that guy?

That's the love of my life.

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