Original subtitles

Dj: That's cute.

Hmm!

Hey, little buddy.

Hey, what's up with these, uh, adorable stickers?

Is this some new initiative I'm unaware of?

'cause they're really bringing a smile to my face.

-No. Wow!

I believe we have a serial shoplifter on our hands.

[mysterious music]

And that smiley face is his calling card.

-What? No, a shoplifter?

At omt?

Why would they use a symbol a pure joy

To mark such a heinous crime?

But it's just a few stickers.

Maybe you're jumping to a conclusion.

-Oh, no, no.

It's just a few stickers in this aisle, dj,

But they have already stolen nine items from fitness,

Six items from golf, and, well...

[sighs]

Check out baseball...

-[dramatic music] -dj: My god!

This is serious.

[chuckles faintly]

Sorry, I see a smile, I smile. It's just so ingrained.

This is terrible, though. -Yes! [sighs]

♪

-First, a huge congratulations goes out to omt's

Very own...

Olympic silver medallist,

Jen hauser, everybody!

[cheering and applause]

Jen: Thank you, thank you!

I'm-- I'm very proud of myself.

You know, the hours of training, the life-threatening obstacles,

And yet I still overcame it all, and--

Cynthia: Yay, yay, good for you. So proud.

On to more pressing matters.

Omt has a serial shoplifter.

-Wait, we sell cereal?

-Now, I know none of you would steal from omt,

But I just have to confirm: Did any of you, say,

Borrow hundreds of items and forget to return them?

Jen: Never, boss.

-Not a chance. -Keeran: No way!

-Shaggy!

-Huh?

-"it wasn't me."

-Nice.

[police siren and radio chatter]

-What kinda twisted sociopath would use such a positive symbol

To mark such a heinous crime?

-That's what I said!

-Anything show up on your security footage?

Dj: We don't have cameras.

I'm kind of against them, actually.

I feel like they breed distrust in the community.

-That's probably not the smartest position

To take as a business.

-I've been saying that for years.

Cop: Cameras give you peace of mind.

I've even got 'em at my house. See?

There's my living room.

-Oh, open concept!

-There's my lovely wife, nina.

Cynthia: Oh! Dj: Oh, she's beautiful.

Cynthia: Yeah! Cop: Oh...

There's the repairman we called in to fix the dishwasher.

Wait, what are they--

Nina, no!

Don't unzip his pants!

-[gasps]

-I gotta go.

Cynthia: Now? But--

-Lemme know if you catch the guy.

Dj: Will do.

Cop: We got a 10-33 in progress! Send the k9 unit!

-Wait, we have to catch the guy?

-Is it true what they say? -What's that?

-That silver medallists are the unhappiest

Of all the medallists.

I think they call it silver medal syndrome.

-That's ridiculous. -Is it?

To come so close to greatness and miss it by a mere whisper.

I can't imagine what that's like.

-That's 'cause you've never come anywhere close to greatness.

-That's not true! I've won gold.

Korverton municipal spelling bee, '01 through '04.

-Oh, wow! Cool brag!

Hey, why don't you go do something useful with your life

For once and move your car?

You're parked in customer parking again.

-Well, I don't subscribe to archaic company dictums.

Besides, I'm not parked in the accessible spot.

I'm not a monster.

-Respect. -Thank you!

See? Wayne wins.

Unlike you at the olympics.

Hey, want to know my winning word?

Pizookie, the original cast iron cookie.

Hmm!

[intriguing jazz music]

-Your ass is mine, smiley face bandit.

♪

♪

♪

Cynthia: Alright, bonnie and/or clyde...

[voice on hidden microphone] do your worst!

♪

♪

♪

-I'm looking to trade these in. -Sure.

I can he-- hel--

Uh, is a hundred-- hun-- hundred and fifty enough?

-Yeah! -It's whatever you want.

-$200? -Sure!

-$250? -$250 works great.

Thanks!

-Oh god, I should have given her three...

[sighs]

-Dude!

You gotta take care of that.

-I know, man! I'm so awkward around girls.

I can't help it!

-That's not what I'm talkin' about.

-Damn! -Uh, not again!

Oh god, I'm a horny monster!

-Don't worry. Sexual attraction is natural.

But you must learn to harness and control that shit.

-Please, teach me. -Okay.

Now, tuck that thing in your waistband and follow me.

[intriguing jazz music]

Wayne: Ooh! So close, yet so far.

A lot like winning silver, I imagine.

-Yeah, I was just warming up.

Hey, why don't you go kick rocks and move your car already?

-I'll tell you what: You hit a bullseye, I'll move my car.

-You know that a dart is just a baby javelin

And I'm an olympic silver medallist, right?

-Well, then it should be very easy for you.

Big talk from the queen of the losers.

-Alright, well, start your engines now, wayne,

'cause I'm about to blow your-- -ooh!

-Okay, you were crowding me, so just--

-You know what? Just tell me if you get it.

-What, you're gonna leave? -Yeah.

-I could just place it in the bullseye and say that I got it.

-Yeah, but you'd never do that. You're an honest person.

It's your greatest weakness.

-My man, you have some pent-up energy

That's searching for a release.

But there is another way.

-There is?

-You gotta learn to shut out the triggers.

-But triggers are all around me!

[sexy hip hop beat]

[women moaning in music]

[music suddenly stops]

Chris: Ancient monks would pour so much energy

Into one mundane task that accomplishing it

Would create a surge of dopamine

Even greater than the one you crave.

-My mom said I'm not allowed to do drugs, but...

I trust you.

-Oh-- okay?

[intriguing jazz music]

Dj: Son of a--!

He's taunting us. I just know it.

[loudly] but what does it mean?!

A smiley face denotes happiness, positivity, bliss.

But what does that have to do with one more time?

Think, dammit!

-This isn't about one more time.

-What do you mean? -Don't you see?!

The blue eyes, the naïvely optimistic countenance,

The gap in the teeth!

This is about...

You!

[music swells]

-My god... It's like looking in a mirror.

-But who would go to such great lengths to destroy you?

-I can think of only one man...

[intriguing jazz music]

♪

-What took you so long?

Dj: So, you're the smiley face bandit, huh?

Why, carlito? Why?

-What the hell are you talkin' about?

Cynthia: The string of thefts we've had at omt!

Carlito: Thefts?

You couldn't pay me to take that dank garbage off your hands.

Plus, what would I do with it?

Except sell it back to you.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

-Then why did you say, "what took you so long?"

Carlito: I got drunk a few weeks ago.

Threw a dead crow at your window.

Was wondering when you'd see it on the security footage.

Cynthia: Son of a bitch!

Dj: We don't believe in security cameras!

-Why not?

They breed trust in the community, bro!

Cynthia: See? Dj: Sit down!

Please... Thank you.

Carlito: When did you say the happy face thief last struck?

Dj: He doesn't even know his own name.

The smiley face bandit last struck this morning.

-Well, then, scratch me off the list,

'cause I was hard at work all morning helping abuelitas.

See for yourself.

Dj: "this morning"...

That's conclusive, alright.

-[phone buzzes] -oh, excuse me.

Oh, it's chris!

The smiley face bandit struck again!

Carlito: Well, well, well.

Looks like somebody deserves an apology.

-You're absolutely right. We're very sorry.

-[loudly] I don't want your apology!

-Why'd you say it, then?

-I want your head on a spit!

Dj: Okay, alright... Cynthia: What?

Well, I guess we'll show ourselves out, then.

-Yeah, geez. Zero to 100, this guy.

Also, what's up with the office décor here?

Maybe invest in a permanent light fixture.

-You think you're the only one

Conducting interrogations, hermano?

Chris: Texted as soon as I saw it.

-He's getting more daring.

-Daring and pop arty.

Banksy meets warhol.

-Ah, yes, I see it.

One might even say munch-like with the head smudge.

Perhaps it signifies

The deterioration of his mental state.

Chris: Oh, which in turn signifies the deterioration

Of your mental state.

-Whoa...

-Or maybe he just ran out of stickers.

All: Whoa...!

Cynthia: I mean...

-You are an olympic athlete, okay?

That counts for something, dammit.

[exhales]

[wayne humming casually]

Wayne: Err...

[continues humming]

-[sighs]

-Ugh, for pete's sake!

[sighs]

[gasps]

You've been up here for months!

I've got you now, smiley face bandit.

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

Oopsie-doodle. Hi! -Hi.

-Um, that one is-- is not for sale.

-But it was on the shelf.

-Yes, but that is just for display.

So, um, how about... Oh, how about this one?

Huh!

Oh, look at you, big boy! Handsome much?

-Uh, now I want this one even more, thanks.

-[grunting] uh, so sorry.

-No, I'm sorry. [laughs] -nope.

Gonna have to put my foot down. So sorry.

-[laughs] no, you're not.

[grunting and straining]

-[loudly] you will take what I give you!

-Um...

I think this one's good.

-Thank you for your patronage. [awkward chuckle]

-Chris, I did it!

I refocused my energy entirely on a mundane task.

I moved all of the badminton racquets into the tennis section

And all of the tennis racquets into the badminton section,

And reorganized all of them in alphabetical order by brand.

I didn't think about girls at all.

I didn't think about anything!

And when I was done, it felt so good!

-That's called the flow state, my friend,

And it's nature's greatest high.

Now all you gotta do is keep up the practice.

-For how long? -Until you get home.

-I can do that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go colour-code the hockey socks.

-This guy's too good. I got nothin'!

[cynthia sighs]

Dj: There's no pattern here.

The guy's always one step ahead.

He's toying with me. I can feel it!

What do you want from me, huh?

[loudly] what do you want from me?!

[phone rings]

Cynthia: Hello? Sure.

Dj, it's for you.

-Oh, well...

[hearing aid beeps]

-Hello?

Bandit: [distorted voice] I won't stop

Until your shelves are bare.

-I can never hear on this damn phone.

He-- he won't pop until the elves are there?

-Ew...

-[distorted voice] no, I said I won't stop

Until your shelves are bare.

Dj: Ah, damn, I know this isn't what you're saying,

But you won't pop until the elves are... Are fair?

Bandit: [distorted voice] shelves... Shelves!

Like what you put your wares on.

Dj: I'm-- I'm so sorry, but, uh, any chance

You can ungarble your voice?

This is really challenging for me.

-[distorted voice] hmph! That's not happening.

Dj: I get that, but...

You are the smiley face bandit, though, right?

-[gasps]

-[distorted voice] ...Yes.

-I knew it! I knew it!

-Uh, okay. Hey, listen, I really wanna catch what you're saying.

Any chance you can text me?

Bandit: [distorted voice] okay, fine.

-Okay, my number is 746--

Bandit: [distorted voice] uh, I don't have a pen yet.

-[in a whisper] he doesn't have a pen.

Bandit: [distorted voice] okay, go.

-Um, okay. 746-555-0129.

Talk soon.

-[phone buzzes] -oh! Wow, that was quick.

He won't stop until our shelves are bare!

-Oh!

-Oh, that makes sense.

Oh, no...

"think you could tell us when you'll be here next? Lol"

[text message sent sound]

Have to try it, eh?

-Yeah. -[text message received sound]

-He's in the store. He's in the store!

[suspenseful music]

-Stay in the flow...

White on the left...

Then the blues...

Then the reds...

Woman: [voice] I'm looking to trade these in.

Keeran: No, no, no...

I won't be tempted!

Stay in the flow, keeran!

[sexy hip hop beat]

Stay in the flow...

Stay in the flow...

[sniffing]

Oh, you smell so good. That perfume...

[sexy saxophone solo over beat]

[music suddenly stops]

-Hey, cynth! Just in the flow!

[sexy music resumes]

-[stifling a scream]

[sighs]

[intriguing music]

♪

Dj: That's him!

-What makes you think that?

-The cloak.

-Oh.

-Gotcha!

-[gasps] are you dj?

-You know I am.

-Here...

Dj: "wrong again. Rofl."

Who gave this to you?!

-I don't know!

-What do you mean you don't know?

-Some guy online paid me to deliver it!

Please, I'm sorry! [crying]

-Son of a bitch!

He pay you to wear the cloak, too?

-No. Why?

-No reason.

Looks good on ya.

[fabric rustling and keeran breathing heavily]

Keeran: Oh my god... That's him!

[dramatic music]

[jen sighs]

-You still at it?

-Oh, yeah, I'm, uh...

Been throwing with my left hand just to challenge myself,

But I'll probably switch over to my right hand soon.

-Yeah, sure.

Ooh, bullseye!

Too much time at the pub.

Anyway, keep it up, bridesmaid.

-Fine! You win, okay, wayne?!

I'm not good enough, okay? Are you happy now?

I can't do it.

-What? I-I wasn't-- -I'm not a champion.

I'm a loser. Look at me.

I'm an olympic medallist and I still work retail.

I can barely make my rent.

The only brand remotely interested in sponsoring me

Dropped me after I yakked up your brother's jizz juice

All over myself on national television!

I mean, I dedicated my entire life to throwing a spear,

And I can't even hit a target on a dartboard!

Okay?! I'm pathetic!

[roaring]

My dad was right.

Silver is for losers!

[sobbing]

-You know what? I'll move my car.

Geez!

[jen breathing heavily]

Keeran: He's outside!

I just saw him leave!

Dj: Who?

Keeran: The cheerio burglar!

Dj: Cheerio...?

He still thinks we sell cereal.

Keeran: Freeze!

-What seems to be the problem?

-I saw you take a three-pack of tennis balls,

And I saw you put your sticker there, too.

-I don't understand.

-Well, that settles it, then.

So sorry to bother you. Here's a coupon.

Dj: Wait, why are we giving up so quick?

Keeran said he saw the guy do it.

Do we not trust keeran?

Chris: He has been... A little distracted today.

Cynthia: And this nice gentleman said that he didn't do it.

We don't want to throw around baseless accusations.

-They're not baseless. They're base- full !

Like, I seen it with my own eyes!

Cynthia: Well, maybe your eyes deceived you.

Keeran: What?

Dj: Cynthia, I know your heart is in the right place,

But don't underestimate him.

This disabled man is perfectly capable

Of being a filthy criminal.

Cynthia: [gasps] dj, my goodness!

I'm all out of coupons, so, uh...

Here's a twenty.

Man: Thank you.

God bless.

Cynthia: Oh! Dj: No, but I don't--

Keeran said he's sure, so if he said he's sure...

Keeran: It was him, I'm telling you!

-[loud crash] -[cynthia screams]

-Keeran: Oh my god! -[all shouting]

Keeran: Oh my god! Cynthia: Oh!

Dj: Are you okay?

-He ran into me! He ran into me!

Chris: Are you hurt? Dj: Oh, god...

Cynthia: Are you okay? What...

-I'm fine, just help me up. -Wayne: He ran into me!

Cynthia: Oh, we are so sorry! We are...

Chris: Get in there. Cynthia: Wait... Wait...

It was you!

Bandit: Congratulations.

You finally got me, you dense pieces of shit.

I'm the smiley face bandit!

Wayne: Whoa!

-Ahh! Love the name, by the way.

-Oh, thanks. It just kinda came to me.

But... Why?

Why omt?

-Because... You were open. -[all gasp]

Chris: But lots of stores are open.

Literally, every store in the plaza is open.

-It's just a cool line. Don't overthink it.

-What about the stickers, though?

They look just like me!

-Wow, that's an absurd conclusion to draw.

"you're so vain."

-Carly simon? -Carly simon!

-Wow. -My god.

-What a tune.

-Anyways, just wanted to say, uh--

-[thwack] -[keeran screams]

-Chris: Are you hurt? -[all yelling]

Dj: Breathe...

Jen: [growling] oof!

[heroic, 1980's-style synthesizer music]

♪

♪

[stick clacks into spokes]

-Oh!

Yes!

Chris: Damn!

Cynthia: Amazing!

Jen: Bullseye.

Dj: Whoa...

That was some throw, jen!

Cynthia: Alright!

Now let's get that thing out of his spokes.

I know he's a thief, but the optics here are terrible.

Jen: Hmm.

Cynthia: [sighs] come on.

Cop: Guy just spilled something on his crotch, you know?

Dj: Pardon me?

-The repairman that's with my wife.

Just spilled something on his crotch.

-Ah. -Nina's a helper.

Always has been.

-That's awesome.

-Any... Tips on how to fold this thing?

-First you take that lever...

And then you shove it up your ass!

Figure it out yourself, bozo.

I just wanted to say...

Thanks again for seeing the real me.

-Hey, man, it's no--

-[thwack] -augh!

Chris: That's going to leave a mark.

Dj: Oh... Man! Always with the sack tap!

Bandit: Kinda my move.

The stickers... And the sack tap!

I'll text you.

[cynthia grunts with effort]

[exhales]

Well, that... Is the last of them!

Aah!

Great job, team!

[applause]

Dj: And a special shout-out goes to...

Jen hauser,

Who really proved her olympic 'mettle' today.

-Guess silver ain't so bad after all.

-No, it is.

Dj: Guess you don't need security cameras

When you have a staff as vigilant as ours.

-No, you do.

-Alright, let's go refill these shelves.

He got us good.

Which is terrible. Very upsetting.

Cynthia: Um... Keeran?

Uh, before you go, a little word?

Keeran: Hmm?

-I stumbled across some secret security footage.

-Hmm?

-Could you explain this?

[keeran moaning on video]

Keeran: [video] oh, god...

We should meet in my basement next time.

-[gasps]

I can't believe that I have to say this,

But intimate relations with any of the merchandise

Is categorically against store policy.

-I'm so sorry, cynthia!

Please do not fire me.

I'll buy the goalie pads! Huh?

-Oh, please.

Consider them a gift.

Oh, keeran...

Keeran: [video] I... Love... You...

[breathing heavily]

-Go sanitize that section now.

Go!

Jen: Yeah, I'll be back in five.

Oh...!

Where'd this come from?

Wait, did dj do this?

-I-- oh, geez, yeah. Must have, yeah.

Who else would waste their money on such a frivolous achievement?

-Pfft!

-They let you have a phone?

..."I snuck it in my butt."

Tmi!

[text message sent sound]

-[text message received sound] -"come visit me"...?

I don't think so.

[text message sent sound]

-[text message received sound] -"suck my"...

[chuckles]

This guy is a menace!

[sexy hip hop beat and saxophone melody]

[women moaning]

♪

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Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0