Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

- [PHONE RINGS] - Lop-EZ Movers.

Me hablo espa�ol if you speak slowly.

Oh, you want to reschedule your Wednesday move?

Yeah, we can do Thursday.

Oh, great. Oh.

You're rescheduling because your mother died?

- So not great. - [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

When am I getting my paycheck?

Friday. Oh, no, not you.

Friday's booked.

I need socks.

Mommy, catch!

Ow! Mother... oh!

No, no, no, no, no, not your mother.

May her memory be a blessing.

Mayan, help me open this tape.

I can't use my nails.

They stopped growing two years ago.

Find someone else.

No, no, no, no, not you.

Damn it!

No pay till Friday.

No ball in the house.

- Come on. - And no more talking.

[HUFFS]

- Okay. - Okay.

[MUMBLES]

[SIGHS]

What a day.

You have no idea what it's like managing the Apple Store.

You got kids running around, employees wanting paychecks,

helpless old people.

It's just...

I'm hungry. What's for dinner?

Oh, I got so busy,

I forgot to ask you to defrost the chicken.

I got so busy, I forgot to buy the chicken.

Well, I remembered to be hungry.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Mommy and Daddy are still adjusting to our new jobs.

We've got a lot going on, but we'll figure it out.

I already figured it out.

I'm ordering pizza.

Large pepperoni, six-pack of Mountain Dew,

cookie pie.

You guys want anything?

I'm here.

Not as often as the Domino's guy.

Pizza again?

This is the fourth time this week.

[EXCITEDLY] Pizza again?

This is the fourth time this week!

I can't believe I'm actually saying this,

but I could use a salad.

Oh, this pizza has a hair on it.

Oh, that's mine.

It's fine. We'll save the rest for tomorrow.

What about that dinner plan you said you'd figure out?

I said we'd figure it out.

Babe, I told you how stressful work is.

I just thought you would start doing

a little more around the house, since...

you're around the house all day.

Trouble in paradise.

If there was a ghost in this house,

he'd be right here, "Woooo."

I may be home, but I'm still at work.

My job is a little more demanding than asking people,

"Have you tried turning your phone off and back on again?"

Oh, shots fired.

Plus, you have a staff of Geniuses.

I work with...

Not geniuses.

Hey, I'm Alberto Einstein.

H�joleequals MC es-squared.

Chut up! You chut up, es-stupid!

I can see how the long commute

from the bedroom to the living room

makes it hard to boil some noodles.

Ooh. No, he didn't!

If you want noodles, then boil them yourself.

I don't have time or energy

to do any more than what I'm already doing.

Well, neither do I.

So I guess nothing's getting done.

- Fine. - Fine.

This hair actually isn't mine.

Whoa.

What are you doing with that?

I'm gonna scale the Shanghai Bank Tower

and pull off the heist of the century.

The toilet's clogged, man.

No, no, no, no, no. That is a home problem.

Mayan works at home. She should plunge it.

So I will put this in her office.

Ooh. What are you doing?

A little game I like to call Passive-Aggressive Jenga.

If Quinten wants clean dishes, he can deal with them.

So don't wash them.

Finally, a promise I can keep.

Since Mayan and Quinten started fighting,

there's no one here doing the cooking.

There's no cleaning.

I miss my maid and my chef.

Now it's just like I'm living with family.

You know, you can always go to that spa on Figueroa

where, for $4, you can shower and wash your clothes.

That's a car wash.

Only if you have a car.

- I gotta go grocery shopping. - [DOORBELL RINGS]

Excuse me, miss, where do you keep the frozen pizza?

[CHUCKLES]

George, this isn't a good time.

- I have someone over. - What do you mean?

- A male someone. - What?

Liar. Let me see.

The lady said it's not a good time.

What are you doing in here, Chance?

Mommy dropped me off so she could fight with Daddy

while still protecting my innocence.

And Nana's doing my laundry.

Is that why his chone-chones are drying in the kitchen?

My dryer's broken.

My bedazzled bra got stuck in the gears...

again.

Can I stay here?

I mean, I tried to help them over there,

but Quinten took away my favorite plunger, Chupacaca.

I tried to clean. Mayan took my broom.

Then how did you get home? [LAUGHS]

Magic.

The same way I'm about to make you disappear.

[GROANING] No, no, no, no! Come on, Rosie.

I'm sorry, Rosie, I'm sorry. All right?

Can I stay? We can all hide out here.

It'll be great.

You fix me breakfast, I'll fix the dryer.

You know me. You give me 20 minutes,

I can remove a bra.

Those 20 minutes were the only foreplay I ever got.

Would be nice to have my dryer working again.

Great. And, you know,

my chone-chones could use a wash too.

Ta-da!

How did you do that?

I got magic too, bruja.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

Really?

You're not gonna make my side of the bed?

Sorry, can't.

Too busy with work.

Whatever.

- [GASPS] - I need to fold my laundry.

Your laundry?

Yeah. Yours is still in the hamper.

Oops, I accidentally washed a pair of your socks.

Well, thank you. I'll put 'em away.

No, I got it.

My prayers have been answered!

What are we doing? This is not fun.

No, you're right.

Maybe we should just sit down, spend an hour,

and just really talk through our feelings.

I think that's a good idea.

Ha! You have an hour.

You could be cooking dinner.

You set a trap and baited it with healthy communication?

It doesn't make sense for me to cook dinner.

You're the one that's good at it.

Yeah, but you can become good at it too.

Okay, I found a video, and I swear to you,

it's gonna help.

To boil water, you need four things.

You don't get it.

I didn't just lose my job,

I'm starting a whole new career.

It would be nice if you cared.

No, I... I do care.

But I have been working twice as many hours,

and I am managing an entire store of people.

And it feels like that just doesn't matter to you.

Shall I carve the roast?

Not until after the spinning salad.

All those years wasted eating motionless salad.

It's like "Wheel of Fortune."

I'd like to buy a crouton. Thank you.

Thank you for fixing the dryer,

changing that light bulb,

and finishing my crucifix wall.

I was happy to help.

Although using all those nails around Jesus,

I felt a little insensitive. [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS] Chance, would you like to say grace?

Dearest God, what if this was the family?

- Ah! - [CHUCKLES] Aww.

May I be excused?

I'd like to wash my hands before dinner.

Claro que s�, mi Gordo.

I can't believe we're not fighting.

Why do you think that is?

Isn't it obvious?

We're no longer tormented by a relentless,

disruptive presence in our lives.

- Mayan. - Alcohol.

- Ah! - [BOTH LAUGH]

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES] - Oh, speaking of Mayan,

whenever she fights with Quinten,

she asks for my advice, I fix everything,

and love returns to their unmarried, sinful,

common-law whatever.

So then, uh, what?

This all goes away?

Those two really love each other.

And I'm glad their fights don't last long.

Yeah, me too, but...

what if we could make this one last just a little bit longer?

What are you saying?

You want to sabotage their relationship?

"Sabotage" is a strong word.

It's also the right one, but...

I'm here.

What are you doing?

I thought you were proving a point to Quinten

by being a cochina.

I miss him.

I miss cuddling him.

Do you know how hard it is to be your own spoon?

You're asking the wrong person.

I'm very flexible.

I realized that Quinten has always been there for me.

It's only fair that I do more around the house.

Oh, Mayan, that's so sweet.

So sweet and so stupid.

What? What do you mean?

You already do so much.

You do the shopping, pay the bills, do the laundry.

And let's not forget that you carried Quinten's baby

for nine months and ruined your body.

- I wouldn't say... - Ruined!

I do think that I do a lot around here.

And all Quinten does is complain.

Clearly he doesn't appreciate you.

Don't let him get away with that

for at least three more days.

You're right.

He doesn't appreciate me.

And I'm not gonna do anything else around here

until he does.

Lord, forgive me.

But before you say anything,

remember that we both sacrificed our only child

for the greater good.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

All relationships require compromise.

You need to ask yourself, do you want to be right,

or do you want to be happy?

You have a point.

I'm gonna apologize to Mayan.

Est�s loco, apologize to Mayan.

That's a huge mistake.

Hey, trust me, okay?

I'm an expert in relationships.

How are you an expert in relationships?

When I was married, sometimes I was in, uh,

two, three, or four at the same time.

Well, Oscar has been giving me some pretty sage advice.

I will always be here for you.

Are those my socks?

They were a gift from God.

I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff,

I forgot about what Mayan needs.

And starting a new career can't be easy for her.

Career?

She mostly just answers my prank calls.

Okay, well, until she feels more settled,

I'm gonna go back to helping around the house.

Are you crazy?

You already do too much.

You cook. You clean.

And, by the way, you spoon her every night,

making you sweat and get chest acne, all right?

She's ruined your body.

You're right.

I am going to continue to do absolutely nothing

until Mayan learns to appreciate me.

I'm sorry, God.

But I did it in the name of the Father and the Son

and the spinning salad with the little croutons.

Amen.

I would say good night, but that would be doing something.

And I'm not doing anything.

I'm not doing anything either.

Reminder: it is Tuesday night, sex night.

We've never missed a Tuesday.

You know our rule.

BOTH: Never go to bed horny.

Fine. But I'm doing this for me.

And I'm doing it for me.

- If you want to be there, fine. - Okay.

- Let's do it. - Let's go.

What are you doing?

What are youdoing?

It's sex night. You heard the lady.

- Get on top. - [GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS DRYLY] I am not doing any of the work,

so youget on top.

- [BOTH GRUNT] - Oh-ho-hoh.

No. I do enough around here.

Youget on top.

- [BOTH SCREAM] - Oh!

[BOTH GROAN]

Alexa, put Advil on the shopping list.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

It's a dessert and a show.

Unlike Mayan,

- when my food burns, it's on purpose. - [BOTH LAUGH]

[SIGHS] Were we wrong to stir the pot?

No, you have to, or the bananas shrivel.

Oh, George,

I mean between Mayan and Quinten.

Rosie, if they wanted to make up,

we wouldn't have been able to stop them so easily.

Right. Their arguments are so dumb anyway.

- Not like us. We knew how to fight. - [LAUGHS]

Doors slamming, paella pans flying.

Neighbors putting up "For Sale" signs.

[LAUGHS]

Ay, but those two...

[WHINY VOICE] "You should buy groceries."

"No, youshould buy groceries."

[BOTH LAUGH]

Speaking of groceries, uh,

what's for dinner?

I made lunch and the banana thing.

I thought it would be nice

if you tried making dinner tonight.

Oh, me? Well, you know,

that's not my job, that's your job.

No. I have an actual job.

Yeah, we just talked about it... making dinner.

Selling insurance!

You don't become la reina of insurance overnight.

Insurance is one of those optional things,

like taxes or condoms.

I move boxes. I've ruined my body.

You ruined your body before that.

Where is my paella pan?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Don't you dare!

I don't have my plunger to defend myself!

Well, this was fun while it lasted.

You're leaving?

If I'm gonna live in a house where people are fighting,

it might as well be the one where all my toys are.

Help! Fire! Fire!

- Where's the fire? - Exactly.

Where isthe fire?

You two have lost your spark.

Welcome to Chez Chance. Table for two?

You did all this for us?

Yeah, I got tired of you fighting about everything.

I mean, last night, I even heard you arguing

about who should be on top...

Which is crazy because you don't even have a bunk bed.

- Here are your menus. - Oh.

I would like to try the "meat."

I will also have the "meat."

[SUCKS TEETH] We're out of the meat.

- A little waiter humor. - [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Two meats coming right up.

- [LAUGHS] - I can't believe Chance did this.

This is so sweet.

We raised a pretty good kid, huh?

It helps that you're always looking out for him.

And reading to him, helping him get his homework done.

You've done such a great job making sure he eats healthy

and has a strong male role model.

I think. I don't know.

I've never had one.

I should thank you more often.

And I should appreciate everything you do.

'Cause this family works because we work together.

And we'll make it work again because we...

We're sick of pizza.

- We love each other. - We love each other, yeah.

That's... I didn't think I had to say that

because it's so obvious.

You know, it should be easy now that we've got

- a kid who can cook and clean. - Yeah.

- [SCOFFS] - [CLICKS TONGUE]

This meat is not cooked.

Ooh, and this plate is not clean.

You know what, I'll order the pizza.

I opened a whole pack of meat,

and this is the thanks I get?

Now we're in a fight!

Don't worry.

I'll get Mayan and Quinten back together again.

Wow, I work fast.

You guys made up?

Well, I guess it's back to fighting raccoons

in the trash for a pear.

Yeah. I wanted to apologize yesterday,

but my mom told me not to.

I wanted to apologize yesterday too,

but George got in my head.

In my defense, my good advice

probably would have been just as harmful.

Why would you do that to us?

Obviously, my marriage to George

had its ups and downs.

And downs and downs.

But there were still some good times

- sprinkled here and there. - Heh.

A light dusting of pleasure, if you will.

Being together and getting along this week

felt like those times again.

I guess I just wanted to hold onto...

this a little longer.

And I thought if I could just hold on

for a couple more days, I might be able to ride that...

[WHISTLES BREATHILY] Whoo-ha...

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