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1
00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:19,840
Where are they?
2
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:27,360
I can't find them. Yes, here's something.
3
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,360
This is at her youth initiation.
4
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:39,280
We offered our children all we could.
5
00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,760
But she'd always had a mind of her own.
6
00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:48,080
Like we all did when we were young.
7
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,960
However, according to the laws of the GDR,
8
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:58,000
she had committed some kind of crime.
9
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,800
It was during her time in Zwickau.
10
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:05,319
She didn't associate
with the right kind of people,
11
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:09,000
the way we would have liked her to.
12
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:14,400
She was involved with some youth group.
13
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:19,920
They put up posters
which was neither permitted nor welcomed.
14
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:26,200
And if you break the law,
then you have to accept the consequences.
15
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:28,880
It's the same today.
16
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,480
If I'm having a good day
17
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,320
and someone says,
"Tell me about your time in prison,"
18
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,800
they may as well be spitting on my day.
19
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,120
I don't want to talk about it.
Not all the time.
20
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:08,600
Every September, the Socialist Party
organizes a solidarity rally in Berlin.
21
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:13,720
It's strange. They advertise with coffee
at East German prices and hot sausages.
22
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:17,720
Probably 15-year-old East German sausages,
who knows.
23
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:23,200
And there are so-called
renowned personalities from the GDR.
24
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,120
One of them came up to me,
25
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,560
saying he was one of my interrogators
in Karl-Marx-Stadt.
26
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:32,800
He said he felt sorry for me back then
and he shared my views.
27
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,080
But if he'd spoken up,
28
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,920
he too would have ended up
sitting across the table, in my chair.
29
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,720
I sure wasn't going to have dinner
with him. I'm glad I didn't smack him.
30
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,960
That's incredibly rude, telling me this,
31
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,600
after talking away my child,
locking me up,
32
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,280
arresting half my family
on charges of kin liability,
33
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,160
and then telling me after the wall fell,
"I thought the same as you did,
34
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,680
but I couldn't say anything
or I'd have ended up on the other side."
35
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:00,880
Now that's insulting.
36
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:21,240
"The defendant is suspected
of public vilification."
37
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,800
"On March 7th, 1982,
38
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:29,000
in the lobby of the Ebersbrunn Tavern,
39
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:34,840
at least five bystanders witnessed her
making disparaging remarks
40
00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:38,680
about state order, state organs
and their activities."
41
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:44,400
"She remarked, there wasn't any freedom
in the fucking Eastern zone,
42
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:48,440
and that people only did
what the Russians told them to do."
43
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,320
"Children were being turned into criminals
in state homes."
44
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,800
"Offense according to Paragraph 220,
arrest warrant is legal," etc.
45
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,920
I was saying, "There is no freedom,
46
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,200
and children are being forced
into children's homes."
47
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,760
And for that, I'm put into prison
and my child is put into state care.
48
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,720
That's completely paranoid, isn't it?
49
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:14,400
This whole dictatorship
and this dollhouse fascism
50
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,240
was sick through and through.
51
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,360
Now why would you want this system back?
52
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,960
It's like having your brain
stuck in cement.
53
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:32,960
I had just left the supermarket
carrying my kid.
54
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,760
And the whole street in Zwickau
55
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:41,080
was full of police and Stasi,
the GDR State Security Service.
56
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:47,720
And I remember,
I was standing at the corner, thinking,
57
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:52,360
"I can leave, but where can I go
with my son?"
58
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,880
So I went into the house.
59
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:02,000
I went upstairs.
There were police everywhere.
60
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,120
I can't tell you how many.
61
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,640
Twenty, ten, thirty, fifty…
I'd say at least fifty.
62
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,200
On the street, hallway, my apartment…
63
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,400
Worst of all,
Sebastian was old enough to walk.
64
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:20,400
So this sweet innocent little guy
65
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:25,440
went up to each one of these Stasi crooks
saying, "Hello, how are you?"
66
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,360
They didn't know how to react to that.
67
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:31,600
They were about to take my son,
right there.
68
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,760
I said to the only woman there,
69
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:41,840
"If you take my child from me now,
I will start screaming my head off."
70
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,760
"I won't stop. You'll have to kill me."
71
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,760
"I want to change his diaper,
I want to call my girlfriend,
72
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,920
I would like this to be done quietly."
73
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,120
Surprisingly, they agreed.
74
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,640
That's what he looked like
when we got him.
75
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,720
This picture of her
was sitting on the dresser.
76
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,440
Every night, we asked him
to say good night to it.
77
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:47,600
She stayed in his memory this way.
78
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:51,320
Once he refused. "Not today," he said.
79
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:57,440
I told him, "Your mom will be sad.
I'll write to her that you didn't."
80
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,120
So he finally did…
81
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:05,600
Well, these are moments
when it's all a bit hard for me now.
82
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:12,440
Right?
83
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,520
That's him now.
84
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:21,840
Our big guy.
85
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:31,080
He sends us pictures,
but he doesn't visit often enough.
86
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,840
I wish I could see him more often.
87
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:45,480
Oh well.
88
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,640
My husband says,
"Let him be, he's old enough."
89
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:57,680
But how can you forget
your grandparents this quickly?
90
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,320
If he doesn't visit soon,
the longer it takes,
91
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,840
the more uncomfortable it may be for him.
92
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,080
He last time he was here
was last year in October.
93
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,400
Well…
94
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,480
I have to sit down.
95
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,840
My legs aren't the best anymore.
96
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,240
When we mention the subject,
97
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:35,520
she usually says,
"Mom, don't. It's in the past."
98
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,200
And I accept that.
99
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,640
I don't think
she talks to Sebastian about it, either.
100
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:47,680
She believes he still remembers something.
101
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:48,920
But I don't think so.
102
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:55,200
I was in a children's home
when I was not yet three years old.
103
00:09:55,280 --> 00:10:00,600
All I remember is a flight of stairs
104
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,800
and a playground and a well.
105
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,920
It's quite possible,
he remembers something.
106
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,000
But he never talks about it.
107
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:13,640
Daddy?
108
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:19,680
Daddy!
109
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:37,720
Daddy, you can't just leave me alone!
110
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:32,360
I know he started commenting on politics
in his essays at school
111
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,720
and then got kicked out of school.
112
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:39,600
But I don't know exactly how he was caught
113
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:44,200
or why he was locked up.
114
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:49,080
I just know a bit about mom.
115
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:52,000
She was arrested on a bus,
116
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,160
for reading a children's book
by Rainer Kunze.
117
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,640
That's all I know.
118
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:02,080
It was a children's book.
And I didn't understand why it happened.
119
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:03,880
I still don't understand.
120
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:12,160
But it… Sometimes we felt that
things were at breaking point.
121
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:15,120
Yes. There's something going on.
Something that's not right.
122
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,200
As if they were keeping something from us.
123
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,320
But I never felt the need to touch on it
124
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,880
or to step in and raise it with them.
125
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:30,720
There already is some distance there,
and I don't want to do anything wrong.
126
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,000
I know what you mean.
127
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:43,360
At the memorial place in Hohenschönhausen,
I saw dad at a reading for the first time.
128
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,840
This place used to be a prison
where he was an inmate.
129
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,600
He described, how…
130
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:55,120
how these white cars with fruit
and vegetable ads on them
131
00:13:55,200 --> 00:14:00,760
were transporting prisoners
in and out of this high security area.
132
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,160
And how it was all completely shielded.
133
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,680
It all seemed so bizarre.
134
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:11,040
And that was enough for me
at the time.
135
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,680
In addition to my own imagination…
136
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:20,560
Yes.
137
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,840
I've never really asked him specifically
138
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:30,320
about everyday life in prison
and what it was like.
139
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,320
I always have a bit of a bad feeling
140
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:53,680
when I see those big yellow
or red brick buildings.
141
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:57,040
They can be factories too,
and there are lots of them in Vogtland.
142
00:14:57,120 --> 00:15:02,040
I always think, they could be turned
into prisons in less than an hour.
143
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:07,000
And the guards already exist,
but they walk around unrecognized.
144
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:13,480
Rather than chasing after the old guards,
we should look out for the new ones.
145
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,520
We should look for them among people.
146
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:18,880
Who would make a good prison guard?
147
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,200
Who would be our Mary Magdalene?
148
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:26,640
And who'll shove the vinegar-soaked sponge
into your mouth?
149
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,280
Just to continue the metaphor.
150
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,920
It took a while to notice this deception.
That these people are back on top.
151
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,120
That nothing happened to them.
152
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:42,640
That…
153
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,960
in May 2000, parliament decided to reject
154
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:54,080
a special retirement pay
for those seriously affected,
155
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,360
for political prisoners of the GDR.
156
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,040
And twenty minutes later,
all hands went up again.
157
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:02,960
It was rejected, right?
158
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:06,800
Twenty minutes later, hands up,
to raise pensions for the perpetrators.
159
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:12,360
I mean, the professional,
full-time "Stasi" majors and officers.
160
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,120
I mean, this is a sign.
I know the kind of place I live in.
161
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:20,120
You look at people and you can see what
will happen in the future.
162
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,920
You don't even need to remember the past.
163
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,240
We stopped contributing during lessons.
164
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,360
We withdrew more and more
from this history
165
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:03,200
and began to look
in our parents' bookcases
166
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,800
for different literature and philosophy.
167
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,640
And we met outside of school.
168
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,720
They were watching us.
169
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,160
And we asked
some silly questions in class.
170
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:18,640
Twenty-four hours after our silly talk
they rounded us up in the school yard.
171
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,440
I was interrogated for six or seven hours.
172
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:28,240
A man introduced himself as an officer
from the Ministry for State Security.
173
00:17:28,319 --> 00:17:33,080
He was in the room, in civilian clothes,
and he asked me to sit.
174
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:38,680
He had a blue book on the table,
and it was open.
175
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:43,640
And he said, "Who is manipulating you?"
176
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:49,640
"Who are the people who are directing you
from the West?"
177
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:56,720
He pushed the blue book towards me.
It was the Criminal Code of the GDR.
178
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,960
He had marked two paragraphs,
179
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,680
"subversive formation of groups"
and "subversive agitation."
180
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,440
I read it, hastily, and I saw:
181
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,400
"Prison sentence from a minimum of one
to a maximum of ten years."
182
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:17,400
I'll keep it short. As the ringleader
of the group, I was kicked out of school.
183
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:22,280
And after that one time at school,
when I was aged 16,
184
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,560
the State Security Service
never interrogated me again.
185
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:26,840
Not for nine years.
186
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,040
Until I was arrested.
187
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,120
They surveyed me through my friends.
188
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:37,640
They took my friends in turns.
Five, six of my friends, and asked them,
189
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,080
"What does he have? Does he have any LPs?"
190
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,920
"Does he have banned books
from West Germany?" And so on.
191
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,920
After nine years, my time had come.
192
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,760
In the end they had to arrest me
because of my writing.
193
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:55,560
GDR officials always denied that people
were arrested solely for their writing.
194
00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:00,360
So I went to prison, and then I was sold.
195
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,920
Freed in exchange for ransom.
196
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,960
Did you want to know
who blew the whistle on you?
197
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:10,640
Only a few of my friends spied on me.
198
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,080
One of them lived in Berlin.
199
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,960
We did our Abitur together in Freiberg.
200
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,920
He was ordered by the Stasi
to regularly visit my mother.
201
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:24,360
He spent the whole weekend there,
from Friday to Sunday evening.
202
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,520
She looked after him like her own son,
to compensate for me.
203
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,040
Finally someone to look after.
204
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:36,640
After many years I found a bill
for 100 marks in my Stasi file.
205
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,160
GDR marks.
206
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,880
It was his fee for his trip to my mother.
207
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,600
On top of the fare for the trip.
208
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,760
That was a big disappointment.
209
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,480
My friend had two years,
after the wall came down,
210
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:50,800
to out himself to me.
211
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,120
We often had a beer together,
after the wall came down,
212
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,640
usually in West Berlin.
213
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,720
But… he never mentioned it.
214
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:03,560
If he had told me, "Look, I was scared.
They were threatening me."
215
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:08,920
"It was pure fear, so I signed
and gave some information about you."
216
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:13,920
I'd have said, "That's over and done with.
Don't worry, we were all scared."
217
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,480
Utz, put the bread on the board.
218
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,640
It's so long ago.
219
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:58,120
It's hard to trace
the exact order of events.
220
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,200
What happened then,
and what happened after.
221
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,000
Well, that's gone.
222
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:08,520
But I don't want to forget a thing.
223
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,480
Those memories belong to my life.
224
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:15,320
And those were
the worst ten years of my life.
225
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:21,480
Nonetheless, I am glad they are now…
226
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,600
part of my subconscious.
227
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:32,360
You can't keep opening up old wounds,
you'd never cope at all.
228
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,120
Now I have finally found peace.
229
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:38,480
It was simply too much.
230
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:42,160
They orchestrated everything
to deter the families.
231
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,520
They were addressed
in a particularly brutal manner.
232
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:52,280
Not even the guards bullied us like that.
233
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,400
It was like…
234
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:59,560
Like a Nazi movie.
The faces, the uniforms…
235
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:05,320
German shepherd dogs running around.
Like being in a movie, an old Nazi movie.
236
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,640
And it were the worst ones.
237
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,320
We couldn't talk without one of them
sitting at the table with you.
238
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:17,800
Some of them tried to sweet talk us.
239
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:26,280
"Are you aware of what
your son has done to you?"
240
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,960
And so forth. And…
241
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,760
"He is not being very considerate."
242
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:38,120
This kind of talk.
243
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:43,000
Until I got angry and said,
"You know something?"
244
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:48,920
"He's my son. And he'll always be my son."
And I left.
245
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:59,080
They wanted to create
an emotional distance between us.
246
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,920
One of them always came on a motorcycle.
247
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:12,000
After the wall came down
he disappeared to Franconia.
248
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,480
But his informants are still here.
249
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,160
One of them is hooking up
half of Reichenbach.
250
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:25,600
He works for a company
that has a similar logo to the Telekom.
251
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,400
They use the same "T."
252
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:33,200
But the address of the company is
in Berlin Hohenschönhausen,
253
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:38,880
opposite the big former Stasi prison
in Hohenschönhausen.
254
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:44,000
When this certain employee
showed up at my mother's place,
255
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:47,240
and she wouldn't let him in,
256
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,360
he stood there and said,
"I was an officer on special assignment,
257
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:55,840
I had to do what I did.
But I never harmed Fuchs or your son."
258
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,440
This man has written
whole volumes of reports,
259
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:03,560
about what I said, the length of my beard,
how often I come to visit.
260
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,440
They'll keep on lying
261
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,440
'til kingdom come.
262
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:19,560
And now I'll bury
these memories again deep inside.
263
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,240
- You do exactly that.
- Yes, for sure.
264
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,920
THE LIFE OF UTZ RACHOWSKI
265
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,080
{\an8}A SCHOOL ESSAY BY DAGNY DEWATH, 2000
266
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,040
Should we have a look?
267
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,880
I'd like to read you something.
268
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,480
- It's my favorite story.
- Okay.
269
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:09,320
"On October 5th, 1979,
my father was arrested,
270
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:15,360
a month after my mother, who was released
after three months due to being pregnant."
271
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,600
"He served 13 months
for 'subversive agitation,'
272
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,160
and was deported to the West
in November 1980,
273
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,960
five months after my sister Anne
was born."
274
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:30,720
"He describes this change of worlds
in some of his writings."
275
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:35,240
"'Flying Dragon,' for example,
contains a letter to a certain Maria."
276
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:40,000
"'Maria' resembles 'Monika,'
my mother's name."
277
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:46,400
"Since it was written in 1983,
I knew my mother had never read it."
278
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,440
"It was a fictional piece."
279
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:54,200
"The fear and concern
for their child and an uncertain future
280
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,560
are expressed in the following lines."
281
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,800
"They call you an 'accomplice,'
but you are Maria."
282
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,280
"What kind of person would say that?"
283
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:07,520
"Who are they?"
284
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:09,360
"Why do they have power over us?"
285
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:16,840
"Was the love between two people
perhaps strained to the point
286
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,560
that it had to break?"
287
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:20,840
"I don't know."
288
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:26,000
"But circumstances surely were responsible
289
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:30,440
for the separation
of my parents in the fall of 1982."
290
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:42,880
I remember dad being away quite often,
291
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:46,120
while you, mom and I remained at home.
292
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:51,040
I also recall a pretty fierce argument.
293
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:57,320
And I think it was then,
after that, I think, that dad left.
294
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,080
Gone for good.
295
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:54,080
I don't want the subject of my life
to be so dark.
296
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,960
I spent a few months in prison.
297
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,920
Before that, I lived in the GDR
for a few years.
298
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:04,520
Then I had a few golden years in the West,
299
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,760
before we knew the truth about the GDR.
300
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:14,640
All of a sudden, the wall tumbled down
and released a wave of…
301
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:21,720
Well, a wave of dirt spills over this wall
302
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,480
that we had to bathe in.
303
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:28,280
And now, all cleaned up
after a lot of work,
304
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:31,360
we're supposed to dive
back in and I say,
305
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:36,400
it's now the turn of others to swim in it,
if they want to stir it all up again.
306
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:42,760
But our children had a hard time
having to cope with our past.
307
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:50,040
While other families
went to the amusement park,
308
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:53,440
we went back to the East
to read Stasi files.
309
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:57,360
They remember those experiences.
310
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:04,480
I think they handled it well.
311
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:09,280
I also doubt that missing out on visiting
an amusement park
312
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:12,920
is such a terrible thing. I doubt it.
313
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,240
I think it's hard
to explain this to children.
314
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:11,680
Are you going
to the children's service? No?
315
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:57,600
The fall of the wall
placed a great burden on the children.
316
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:04,600
You try to explain
why you are in a bad mood right now.
317
00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:10,000
Because you're reading something
that's upsetting, or whatever.
318
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,680
Or, we often had heated discussions
with people who came here.
319
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:16,680
Sometimes with a lot of people,
or even just the two of us,
320
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:22,040
having a heated discussion
about something in the news.
321
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:27,160
We sometimes noticed
our kids looking at us, perplexed.
322
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:31,880
We tried to tell them, "We're not
fighting, we're having a discussion."
323
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:35,240
They thought we were yelling
at each other,
324
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:36,520
but it was just…
325
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:41,200
But we were just agitated
and therefore also loud.
326
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:44,240
When Mielke, the former head of the Stasi,
got relocated
327
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:48,040
because he didn't like the conditions
at the prison in Hohenschönhausen
328
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:52,120
we ran around the house
shouting with rage,
329
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:56,960
telling the other what we'd just heard.
330
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:01,840
We were calling up and down the stairs
and the kids were caught in between.
331
00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:05,800
They'd disappear for a while,
very quietly,
332
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:11,200
then they'd come back at some point
and ask, "Any plans for dinner?"
333
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:14,120
And we'd realize
we had forgotten all about it.
334
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,040
And then, of course, we'd have to explain.
335
00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:21,800
We could feel that they felt threatened
by what was going on.
336
00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:56,520
Every time I hang up my robe,
337
00:32:56,600 --> 00:33:03,360
I can see that it's been through a lot,
more than other robes of this kind.
338
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:08,720
Because the name of my father
is embroidered in it.
339
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:12,240
It stands for "reconciliation."
It stands for "father and son."
340
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:15,800
Everything is connected
through these initials.
341
00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:20,280
And this wonderful story
happened in prison in Kissingstrasse.
342
00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:22,720
I was led into a small room.
343
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,680
There were two guards
and the interrogator sat at a desk.
344
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:33,680
The desk was arranged in the shape of a T,
and on the long side of the T,
345
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:36,800
there were two chairs
placed opposite each other.
346
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,400
I sat down on one of the chairs.
The door opened.
347
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:42,920
And in came my father.
348
00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:46,240
That was first time in months,
349
00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:50,720
that I saw a person who was not a guard.
350
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:57,520
And then, as our conversation was coming
to an end,
351
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:02,040
and I had asked about the Last Supper,
352
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:04,080
my father took a piece of the cake
353
00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:09,760
and spoke over the cake the words
of institution to the Last Supper.
354
00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:13,040
"This is my body which is given for you…"
355
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,840
Then he took the cup of coffee
356
00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:21,120
and spoke over that which is spoken
over the cup.
357
00:34:21,199 --> 00:34:24,280
"My blood, shed for you
for the forgiveness of sins."
358
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:29,679
And I thought I was going to fall over.
That was an incredibly charged moment.
359
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:35,840
Then we said the "Our Father"
and these guards didn't know what to do.
360
00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:42,080
They didn't know whether they should
fold their hands or what they should do.
361
00:34:42,159 --> 00:34:44,800
They were absolutely helpless
in this situation.
362
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:48,120
The interrogator was being polite
and kept his mouth shut.
363
00:34:48,199 --> 00:34:52,560
Probably because he knew
there was no point in interfering.
364
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:59,200
And then my father was guided out
365
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:01,240
and I was returned to my cell.
366
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:05,200
I lived off this story for a long time
367
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:09,440
without feeling thirsty or hungry.
368
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:35,360
Sometimes I just stop listening.
369
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,840
I'm still interested,
370
00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:43,720
but some remarks
I just don't register anymore.
371
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:46,960
I don't see it as contemporary history.
372
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:48,400
It's to do with my parents,
373
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:53,080
but I don't think of it
as being associated with the GDR.
374
00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:59,040
I know the stories. They don't mean
anything special to me anymore.
375
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:03,600
It's no longer something
I pay attention to.
376
00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:07,640
I hear them and I think,
"Ah, that subject again."
377
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:14,880
There are other concerns today.
378
00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:20,600
People don't ask us about it every day.
379
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:24,760
It's only if the subject comes up
in the news for some reason
380
00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:30,960
or if someone finds out
that my father has written a book on it.
381
00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:34,680
But it's not a topic
that comes up regularly.
382
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:38,440
And when it does,
it luckily disappears again quickly.
383
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:45,400
I sometimes think,
"Why dig up the old stories?"
384
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:49,640
"Why can't we just continue with our lives
and leave the past behind?"
385
00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:54,640
- It's the past.
- Exactly. You can't change it.
386
00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:57,000
Yes, it happened.
387
00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:02,000
and I do think the next generations
learn all about it.
388
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:06,280
But why keep digging up
secret Stasi files?
389
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,480
You may find something
390
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:13,200
that makes you aware
of just how much they knew about you
391
00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:15,840
and you feel even worse at that point.
392
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:18,560
In the end, what good comes of it?
393
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:21,640
That's what I ask myself.
394
00:37:42,240 --> 00:37:45,760
My father was very strong and brave.
395
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:52,200
But he was worn down by GDR tactics,
396
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,520
and profoundly so.
397
00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:59,800
They found an opportunity
to blackmail him.
398
00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:05,240
And all of a sudden,
this outwardly strong person
399
00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:12,160
found himself under the command
of an officer.
400
00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:15,760
The officer had introduced himself
as a police captain.
401
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:20,560
My father clung to that silly belief,
even though everyone in the GDR knew
402
00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:23,880
that a police officer in civilian clothes
403
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:29,480
was certainly anything but a friend.
404
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:31,560
He was, in fact, a Stasi officer.
405
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:35,720
Worst of all, I didn't know that
406
00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:40,240
until much, much later,
towards the end of the '90s.
407
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:45,440
He just didn't have the courage
to tell me.
408
00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:49,840
That's the most painful part,
that we couldn't talk about it anymore.
409
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:54,840
I know one thing for sure,
nobody was ever born a hero.
410
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:59,480
and that what kept me
from finding myself in a similar situation
411
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:03,720
wasn't my courage,
it was the grace of God.
412
00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:07,040
Any one of us could have gotten
into a situation,
413
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:08,960
where we would have been powerless.
414
00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:12,480
I can think of five scenarios
where I would have powerless.
415
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:16,200
If they used my children to pressure me,
what would you do then?
416
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:21,240
He died before we could resolve
this issue.
417
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:25,400
Thankfully,
we were able to meet occasionally
418
00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:29,200
and talk about unrelated things.
419
00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:33,600
We were at peace with each other.
420
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:39,680
But I would have preferred to talk about
the pain this had caused him.
421
00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:45,160
First, we'll go to the office
of Erich Mielke.
422
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:54,880
We'll get to his apartment soon.
This is his office and anteroom
423
00:40:54,960 --> 00:40:59,280
and over there are his private quarters.
424
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:02,680
He stayed here frequently
during the last years.
425
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:06,120
After Gorbachev came to power,
he was afraid of losing his authority.
426
00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:08,920
How do you feel in here?
427
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:10,320
It just feels strange.
428
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:16,320
I've often been asked
if I feel a sense of gratification.
429
00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:19,880
Or revenge. But somehow, I don't.
430
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:26,920
When I look closely at what happened,
I sometimes feel sorry for them.
431
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:30,000
It's strange that I should feel sympathy,
432
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:36,960
but I often think they had no real life.
They lived a lie, and they knew it.
433
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:41,720
My son, born in 1980, once said to me,
434
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:45,400
"Mom, you're waiting for those guys
to have a guilty conscience."
435
00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:46,920
And I'm quoting my son,
436
00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:51,720
"Hey Mom, they don't have a conscience.
How can they have a guilty conscience?"
437
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:58,080
In a sense, I haven't been free
for 15 years.
438
00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:00,040
I don't want to meet Markus Wolf.
439
00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:04,160
I have seen him a few times
and avoided him.
440
00:42:04,240 --> 00:42:07,840
I can't handle it, emotionally.
I don't want to meet Gregor Gysi, either.
441
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:13,120
I despise these men.
I want nothing to do with them.
442
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:15,840
I'm avoiding.
And perhaps that is not a good thing.
443
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:20,800
In that sense, I'm still a victim,
because I know they hold power over me.
444
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:32,360
Thanks.
445
00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:45,880
I want to show my files to you.
I can't avoid it any longer.
446
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:49,640
I brought along
a "plan for disruptive measures."
447
00:42:49,720 --> 00:42:55,960
It's a wonderful term worth repeating,
"plan for disruptive measures."
448
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:57,800
I'm just going to put it here.
449
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:05,600
At the center of attention
is a particular person.
450
00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:07,440
Here, it's "Hiker Uschi,"
451
00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:10,200
since I liked going hiking.
452
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:14,000
They went through the trouble,
and it's not unique,
453
00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:18,320
there are hundreds of thousands of these,
all different with different subjects,
454
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:23,360
to detail the whole circle
of friends and family.
455
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:28,600
Then they looked where they could plant
unofficial collaborators
456
00:43:28,680 --> 00:43:34,680
and who within the circle of friends
might be willing to betray Gollin.
457
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:36,840
Someone who is prepared to write reports.
458
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:40,040
So I found this
plan for disruptive measures.
459
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:45,600
I tried to find out the true identity
of informant "Christel."
460
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:51,400
Informant "Christel" was the only father
among my school friends
461
00:43:51,480 --> 00:43:53,680
who was not an authoritarian bastard.
462
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:57,800
Someone who'd ask
how you were doing and so on.
463
00:43:57,880 --> 00:44:00,440
That man spied on his own daughter
464
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:04,400
and on his wife,
who was a colleague of my mother's.
465
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:06,720
In his reports,
and I copied these for you,
466
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,720
he notes that he stopped talking
in bed with his wife
467
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:12,040
so his wife wouldn't become suspicious.
468
00:44:12,120 --> 00:44:16,240
Because he was gathering information
through my mother on Gollin. Me.
469
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:19,960
So he was gathering information on me
through his wife through my mother.
470
00:44:21,080 --> 00:44:24,040
You may ask, "In the '90s,
471
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:30,360
did you, Anna Gollin, ever tell
your friend about her father's reports?"
472
00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:36,400
Well, I met my old friend in the '90s,
and I simply told her,
473
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:40,560
"Take a look at your Stasi files.
Just have a read. It's interesting."
474
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:44,200
A year and a half later,
I met her again in Neubrandenburg.
475
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:47,680
She crossed the road to the other side.
I had a déjà vu and thought,
476
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:51,600
you've done this before in the '70s,
cross the road to the other side
477
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:54,040
and pretend nothing happened.
478
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,800
She told her side of the story.
479
00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:41,640
As she well should.
480
00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:46,440
If everything that's been written is true,
481
00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:53,240
those GDR authorities have created
a big mess for lots of people.
482
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:57,360
There is this big volume, where--
483
00:45:57,440 --> 00:46:01,760
That's my opinion.
Though I've grown up in the GDR.
484
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:06,520
I don't know, but…
485
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:14,920
I was a police officer.
I always worked properly and dutifully.
486
00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:20,640
I never would have thought
our authorities would be capable of this,
487
00:46:20,720 --> 00:46:24,080
until I experienced it myself.
488
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:28,400
While Anne was in prison,
we looked after the boy.
489
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:32,880
From Tuesday to Friday, he was in daycare.
490
00:46:33,560 --> 00:46:37,160
And once Monday to Thursday,
depending on our shifts.
491
00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:40,560
In retail, I often had to work
Fridays and Saturdays.
492
00:46:41,240 --> 00:46:47,200
So it was his turn to pick up the boy.
493
00:46:47,280 --> 00:46:48,960
But the boy was gone.
494
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:54,800
The nursery teachers didn't say a word.
I went to every hospital.
495
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:58,600
- The police didn't know anything.
- Nobody knew anything.
496
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:01,320
Neither did the hospitals.
497
00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:06,040
At the last hospital we found the boy.
In the quarantine ward.
498
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:08,080
But he wasn't sick.
499
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:13,480
- That was the final straw. I collapsed.
- Indeed.
500
00:47:14,160 --> 00:47:16,440
He stayed there for four to six weeks.
501
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:19,320
And they were so mean.
502
00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:22,680
We could watch him through curtains.
He wasn't allowed to see us.
503
00:47:28,960 --> 00:47:34,280
Then we were told Sebastian could join
his mother in West Berlin.
504
00:47:35,040 --> 00:47:39,920
We waited from December
to May the following year,
505
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:45,400
the whole time with packed suitcases,
expecting Sebastian to leave any day.
506
00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:49,120
On a Saturday we received a telegram
507
00:47:49,200 --> 00:47:52,160
saying Annegret could pick up
the boy on Sunday.
508
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:56,400
And when she arrived,
Sebastian was very cute.
509
00:47:57,840 --> 00:47:59,040
He came in…
510
00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:05,400
He stood in front of the bed,
511
00:48:06,240 --> 00:48:07,920
"My mommy!"
512
00:48:27,480 --> 00:48:29,320
Exit on the left.
513
00:48:37,200 --> 00:48:40,560
That day went by in a flash.
I flew by.
514
00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:44,720
I was there but I have no memory of it.
515
00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:48,840
I do recall that night
as we approached the border crossing
516
00:48:48,920 --> 00:48:50,400
just before midnight.
517
00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:55,640
My father drove us
and some guy was following us.
518
00:48:55,720 --> 00:48:58,000
And at the border, my son woke up.
519
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:00,960
He was in in my arms
and the border guards were checking.
520
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:04,280
We had to get out of the car
and they looked at everything.
521
00:49:04,360 --> 00:49:06,680
My son wakes up, opens his eyes and says,
522
00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:09,840
"Mommy, I am wearing new socks,"
and falls back asleep.
523
00:49:10,440 --> 00:49:11,480
That's all.
524
00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:15,160
Now that he was staying with me,
some nights…
525
00:49:15,240 --> 00:49:20,840
There was a seating area in the kitchen.
I got some furniture from labor welfare.
526
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:23,440
The shop felt
like an exquisite department store.
527
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:26,120
There was nothing like it in the GDR.
528
00:49:26,720 --> 00:49:30,360
I said, "I'd like this and this,"
and they delivered and installed it.
529
00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:32,800
There was a seating area in the kitchen.
530
00:49:33,680 --> 00:49:35,960
It was right in the corner of the room.
531
00:49:36,040 --> 00:49:40,320
And Sebastian crawled beneath it,
into the corner and wouldn't come out.
532
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:43,640
I called a psychologist.
533
00:49:43,720 --> 00:49:48,080
Someone came and pulled out the table
and told me to stay put
534
00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:51,880
until the boy comes out all by himself.
535
00:49:51,960 --> 00:49:53,560
So I stayed sitting there.
536
00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:57,560
Strange how much we
resemble other creatures.
537
00:49:57,640 --> 00:50:04,000
You realize how little difference there
is between us and other beings.
538
00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:07,920
The mother animal sits in the corner
539
00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:11,200
waiting for her injured cub
to come out.
540
00:50:13,240 --> 00:50:17,040
Losing your fear
and becoming a little bit freer
541
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:20,240
doesn't happen…
542
00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:23,400
It's not that every week,
a little bit falls off.
543
00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:26,520
There are setbacks, too.
544
00:50:26,600 --> 00:50:29,360
Sometimes I was up all night crying.
545
00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:35,400
I remember the little guy standing there,
"Mommy, are you crying because I was bad?"
546
00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:38,240
"Oh my God, Sebastian! Of course not!"
547
00:50:38,320 --> 00:50:40,920
Children relate everything to themselves.
548
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:46,360
During the separation,
he probably also thought, more than once,
549
00:50:46,440 --> 00:50:49,320
that mom wasn't coming back
because he'd been misbehaving.
550
00:52:02,720 --> 00:52:04,640
To be honest,
551
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:08,720
I let bygones be bygones.
I didn't want to stir anything up.
552
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:17,000
I don't want him to dive
back into that oppressive atmosphere,
553
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:18,920
into that feeling of being crushed.
554
00:52:31,800 --> 00:52:33,680
I don't think I know it yet.
555
00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:38,320
A brief summary of happiness
556
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,800
On my daughter mattress in Zurichlies Rolf
557
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:45,880
A manager from Basel
558
00:52:46,760 --> 00:52:48,960
Mainly in the chemical industry
559
00:52:50,280 --> 00:52:54,120
How did the water get over the river
560
00:52:54,920 --> 00:52:59,000
Proclamation for my eastern countryAnd taking all the youths with it
561
00:53:00,640 --> 00:53:05,840
The daughters for years now commutersThe weekend the last God
562
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:08,280
Highway, I'm praying for them
563
00:53:09,200 --> 00:53:11,640
For me, the big surprise stayed
564
00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:15,160
A hundred steps from one side of the riverTo the other
565
00:53:15,240 --> 00:53:17,080
My dream endures
566
00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:20,000
The dissolving fairy tale revolution
567
00:53:21,280 --> 00:53:26,000
I got away, just like the riverWith blue eyes and unemployed
568
00:53:26,560 --> 00:53:30,360
We had the choice and choseThe king who gave us new clothes
569
00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:35,720
They won't goThe river below and the surprise above me
570
00:53:35,800 --> 00:53:37,720
Freedom drifts away
571
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:40,120
We are a people again
572
00:53:40,200 --> 00:53:41,440
We are staying here
573
00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:47,480
Easter at home the daughter tellsWhat holds the world together
574
00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:51,400
Doesn't touch my silenceAs if to comfort me
575
00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:56,040
"Doesn't touch my silence,
as if to comfort me."
576
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:09,280
I wasn't aware that…
577
00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:18,360
that maybe he was waiting
for us to ask him. And…
578
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:27,920
But at least he found it comforting
that I didn't ask him, or that we didn't,
579
00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:31,840
or that I didn't ask him.
As if I wanted to comfort him.
580
00:54:36,400 --> 00:54:39,800
I think that also played a role.
581
00:54:39,880 --> 00:54:45,760
Trying to protect him,
trying not to hurt him.
582
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:27,360
I have to read it again.
583
00:55:27,440 --> 00:55:29,360
"During our meeting in Karlovy Vary,
584
00:55:29,440 --> 00:55:34,120
Rachowski told me that Fuchs
was involved in the peace movement."
585
00:55:34,200 --> 00:55:39,320
"I am not able to tell you the context
in which this remark was made."
586
00:55:39,400 --> 00:55:44,280
"I do not know to what extent
this activity is directed against the GDR,
587
00:55:44,360 --> 00:55:48,920
since I am not familiar
with Fuchs's specific activities."
588
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:55,400
"After the meeting in Karlovy Vary
'Name' thinks that Rachowski…
589
00:55:56,320 --> 00:55:58,160
may have succumbed to alcohol."
590
00:55:58,240 --> 00:55:59,320
Cut!
591
00:56:00,800 --> 00:56:03,480
These are the things
the Stasi was interested in.
592
00:56:05,760 --> 00:56:08,360
"During the entire stay…"
593
00:56:09,760 --> 00:56:13,840
- Okay.
- Wait. Maybe you have to read it first.
594
00:56:14,720 --> 00:56:18,320
That Stasi files can trigger so much joy!
595
00:56:21,240 --> 00:56:24,440
But I have to admit,
when I think about it,
596
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:30,040
for 15 years, in the West, I kept dreaming
597
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:34,760
that by chance, somehow,
I was back in the East,
598
00:56:34,840 --> 00:56:41,080
locked up by the Stasi.
And nobody in the West knows.
599
00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:44,360
I still dream of prison as well.
600
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:49,600
It's more about suffocating situations,
when there is no fresh air.
601
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:52,160
In my dreams,
I sometimes say to the officers…
602
00:56:52,240 --> 00:56:56,000
I still have that dream today strangely,
after 25 years.
603
00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:57,880
"Your time is up soon!"
604
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:01,920
They say, in my dream, "Yes we know, but…
605
00:57:03,080 --> 00:57:07,000
your time is up even sooner, Sallmann,
because nobody knows we've got you."
606
00:57:07,560 --> 00:57:10,760
A dream I've had for decades.
607
00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:14,760
It's cramped, you can't get out
and when will it end?
608
00:57:14,840 --> 00:57:18,560
- This, "how long will it take?"
- Exactly, me too. Not often, but…
609
00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:24,080
I've never told my 25-year-old son
about these nightmares.
610
00:57:24,160 --> 00:57:27,200
Even though it happened
a quarter of a century ago.
611
00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:30,920
This problem remains.
612
00:57:32,920 --> 00:57:38,120
If you talk to someone who's not
experienced any extreme situations,
613
00:57:38,200 --> 00:57:40,760
nothing that compares,
614
00:57:40,840 --> 00:57:42,880
you can't communicate something like this.
615
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:44,800
I am completely convinced
616
00:57:44,880 --> 00:57:50,760
that we always remain excluded from
the normal human experience.
617
00:57:50,840 --> 00:57:52,960
Because we've had this extreme experience.
618
00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:55,640
These can be different kinds
of extreme experiences.
619
00:57:58,960 --> 00:58:02,040
And this affects the children, too.
620
00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:04,920
- Because there's always a secret.
- Yes.
621
00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:09,680
The secret remains ours. Only we know
what a day in a prison cell is like.
622
00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:07,960
As a father, I am afraid of my children
asking me about certain situations.
623
00:59:09,320 --> 00:59:12,240
To preempt certain questions,
624
00:59:12,320 --> 00:59:18,720
you can provide information
in the form of a text.
625
00:59:18,800 --> 00:59:21,920
So there are certain things
they don't have to ask, we all know.
626
00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:25,400
And then it comes down to the points
that remain, and that's exciting.
627
00:59:25,480 --> 00:59:30,320
The things that are missing,
that can be read between the lines.
628
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:33,160
My children have a chance to ask about it.
629
00:59:34,160 --> 00:59:36,600
So far, they haven't.
630
00:59:37,520 --> 00:59:41,520
It's something
they don't want to touch on.
631
00:59:42,080 --> 00:59:48,520
They don't know
how to talk to their father about this.
632
00:59:49,520 --> 00:59:55,560
What did it feel like to be beaten up,
or to be in solitary confinement.
633
00:59:56,880 --> 00:59:59,600
I think children can't do that.
634
01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:03,680
They take it as a given.
635
01:00:03,760 --> 01:00:07,800
They may think it is embarrassing
that their father had been in prison.
636
01:00:07,880 --> 01:00:10,720
And even worse, their mother, too.
637
01:00:10,800 --> 01:00:12,280
It's hard to imagine,
638
01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:17,880
because the world that caused this
no longer exists.
639
01:00:26,800 --> 01:00:28,200
I found this.
640
01:00:33,680 --> 01:00:38,640
Ms. Suttinger, when you meetformer prisoners who come here,
641
01:00:38,720 --> 01:00:40,520
to Hoheneck,
642
01:00:40,600 --> 01:00:43,360
if you were to meeta former political prisoner again,
643
01:00:43,440 --> 01:00:46,760
someone you saw pass throughten years ago.
644
01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:50,840
How would you react?
645
01:00:50,920 --> 01:00:54,520
What do you expect me to say?I have a clear conscience.
646
01:00:54,600 --> 01:00:59,040
I treated everybody decentlyand in a humane way.
647
01:00:59,120 --> 01:01:04,480
The way they were supposed to be treated.I have a clear conscience.
648
01:01:05,320 --> 01:01:08,760
-I never did anything…
- At that point I'm about to puke.
649
01:01:11,520 --> 01:01:15,880
I've never done any harm to a prisoner.
650
01:01:15,960 --> 01:01:17,200
I never did.
651
01:01:20,880 --> 01:01:27,360
This is where I admire my wife the most.
The fact that she didn't leave.
652
01:01:28,440 --> 01:01:31,720
Or strangle that woman.
653
01:01:31,800 --> 01:01:36,960
I had to keep looking at the stupid doll
wearing a prison uniform.
654
01:01:37,040 --> 01:01:41,880
Or her husband in his underwear
with pimples
655
01:01:42,840 --> 01:01:46,800
wanting to save mankind with his wisdom.
656
01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:49,160
And that awful woman.
657
01:01:49,240 --> 01:01:52,600
She looked exactly the same as before.
658
01:01:52,680 --> 01:01:57,480
And I immediately had the same feeling,
the same as the first time.
659
01:01:59,040 --> 01:02:05,800
The same feeling as when I first saw her,
when I arrived all by myself, at Hoheneck.
660
01:02:05,880 --> 01:02:08,600
I had to stand up there,
in front of the locked cell.
661
01:02:08,680 --> 01:02:13,640
And from a distance, I heard them arrive,
walking up the stairs.
662
01:02:13,720 --> 01:02:19,320
So many women, in those strange shoes,
on the metal stairs.
663
01:02:19,400 --> 01:02:22,240
It was such a creepy sound.
664
01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:25,600
And they arrived at the top,
665
01:02:25,680 --> 01:02:28,640
and I saw this woman,
this dwarf, this face…
666
01:02:28,720 --> 01:02:31,360
I thought I'd never survive
a day in there.
667
01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:34,840
You have to do something now,
you won't cope.
668
01:02:36,520 --> 01:02:38,880
You were guarded by dogs
669
01:02:38,960 --> 01:02:41,200
and led along in handcuffs…
670
01:02:42,160 --> 01:02:43,320
And I think, what…
671
01:02:44,120 --> 01:02:48,720
What did this do to me,
that I'm not aware of.
672
01:02:52,600 --> 01:02:56,200
As far as I'm concerned,they had violated existing law.
673
01:02:56,280 --> 01:03:02,640
It was important to me that theybehaved correctly and followed our orders.
674
01:03:02,720 --> 01:03:05,720
In principle, that meant observingthe house rules.
675
01:03:05,800 --> 01:03:08,960
Nothing impossible was asked of them.
676
01:03:10,600 --> 01:03:13,600
When I think that they were just
a little older than me…
677
01:03:14,560 --> 01:03:19,040
I wonder if I could do that,
assert my opinion so vehemently,
678
01:03:19,120 --> 01:03:23,240
to the point of possibly risking
my future.
679
01:03:25,080 --> 01:03:30,840
I do admire that, in a way.
But they are still my parents.
680
01:03:32,840 --> 01:03:39,320
I think they get angry that
when we discuss the GDR at school,
681
01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:43,680
we are taught a glorified version
of life in the GDR.
682
01:03:44,240 --> 01:03:46,840
They get angry
when we come home and say:
683
01:03:46,920 --> 01:03:50,320
"Yeah, we heard about it, it sounds fun."
684
01:03:50,400 --> 01:03:53,240
And then we watched movies,
like Good Bye Lenin,
685
01:03:53,320 --> 01:03:57,480
which portrays life in the GDR
as fun and airy-fairy.
686
01:03:58,040 --> 01:04:02,520
They get upset,
because they know what it was really like.
687
01:04:02,600 --> 01:04:07,840
Sometimes, they get upset
about our lack of interest
688
01:04:07,920 --> 01:04:10,560
when we say, "Please, not that again."
689
01:04:12,480 --> 01:04:14,240
However,
690
01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:19,640
dad tried to do something
about it by writing books.
691
01:04:19,720 --> 01:04:25,400
You can tell it's important to him
to pass it on and tell the story.
692
01:04:25,480 --> 01:04:30,600
At times, I felt it was difficult to read.
I didn't enjoy reading it.
693
01:04:30,680 --> 01:04:34,040
I always had a mental picture
of my dad and that was difficult.
694
01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:39,360
When you read a book,
you want your imagination to run free
695
01:04:39,440 --> 01:04:44,000
rather than seeing a particular person.
That's why I found it difficult.
696
01:04:45,160 --> 01:04:49,840
It's different imagining someone else
going through this, but…
697
01:04:49,920 --> 01:04:51,880
with this image…
698
01:04:53,120 --> 01:04:54,080
Yeah.
699
01:05:27,680 --> 01:05:30,640
In the Federal Chancellery,
there's a painting by A. R. Penck.
700
01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:36,160
It's called: All problems of the pastwill have to be solved in the future.
701
01:05:37,440 --> 01:05:38,920
And I think that's it.
702
01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:41,560
Our children are carrying our burden,
703
01:05:42,280 --> 01:05:44,960
and we can't really help them resolve it.
704
01:05:45,040 --> 01:05:48,800
We can only do one thing,
step back and not get in the way.
705
01:05:52,440 --> 01:05:55,200
At some point, in the '80s,
Sebastian said to me,
706
01:05:55,280 --> 01:05:59,160
"Hey mom, you're not my real mom.
You're just my friend."
707
01:06:00,000 --> 01:06:02,520
Well, what could I say?
708
01:06:02,600 --> 01:06:04,920
It's praise and rebuke all at once.
709
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:06,440
And…
710
01:06:07,920 --> 01:06:10,720
I guess it stayed like that.
711
01:06:13,640 --> 01:06:17,360
Me always trying to be strong
may have affected him.
712
01:06:17,440 --> 01:06:20,400
But could I afford to be weak?
713
01:06:21,680 --> 01:06:22,920
I don't know.
714
01:06:24,760 --> 01:06:29,600
I've thought a lot about that day, when…
715
01:06:30,440 --> 01:06:33,600
I almost said, "when we were arrested."
When he was arrested…
716
01:06:33,680 --> 01:06:36,120
No, when I was arrested!
717
01:06:37,320 --> 01:06:41,160
Was I right to act strong?
718
01:06:41,240 --> 01:06:44,600
I said, mom has to go to work, and bye.
719
01:06:44,680 --> 01:06:47,520
Grandma and grandpa will come,
and Gabi will get you,
720
01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:50,360
and it may take a long time,
I have to go with the men.
721
01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:53,640
Or could I have afforded to collapse,
722
01:06:53,720 --> 01:06:56,400
knowing that this would have shocked him.
723
01:06:56,480 --> 01:06:59,960
I believe I did the right thing.
724
01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:06,200
Even though, in the eyes
of this little boy…
725
01:07:07,400 --> 01:07:09,880
a normal situation developed.
726
01:07:09,960 --> 01:07:12,680
"Mommy is going away.
Mommy will be back soon."
727
01:07:12,760 --> 01:07:15,920
This "soon," for him,
728
01:07:17,240 --> 01:07:21,000
lasted longer
than his life had been up to then.
729
01:07:21,840 --> 01:07:27,240
For him, this time must have been
incredibly deep and incredibly long
730
01:07:27,320 --> 01:07:29,920
as perhaps no adult can imagine.
731
01:07:30,000 --> 01:07:34,480
And only he suffers from it.
But I cannot heal him.
732
01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:42,400
I can offer what I did, to say to him,
733
01:07:42,480 --> 01:07:47,640
"I went to Mr. Crazy."
That's what I called the psychiatrist.
734
01:07:47,720 --> 01:07:52,680
"You can go there, too.
He is a professional, not a victim."
735
01:07:52,760 --> 01:07:54,600
I don't believe…
736
01:07:55,720 --> 01:07:58,440
that two one-legged persons
will make a good sprinter
737
01:07:58,520 --> 01:08:01,160
just because they have two legs
between them.
738
01:08:01,240 --> 01:08:03,040
They still only have one leg each.
739
01:08:03,120 --> 01:08:06,920
That's why, as his mother,
I still can't help.
740
01:08:13,920 --> 01:08:18,000
Sure, those times have passed.
741
01:08:18,080 --> 01:08:20,600
However, it's always there,
always part of the picture.
742
01:08:21,319 --> 01:08:26,080
The sense that I don't need to feel guilty
towards my child.
743
01:08:26,160 --> 01:08:28,840
I didn't leave him
or put him into a children's home.
744
01:08:28,920 --> 01:08:33,439
Others were responsible for that,
and I still have that feeling.
745
01:08:33,520 --> 01:08:36,439
Still, this feeling
746
01:08:36,520 --> 01:08:41,479
of guilt and responsibility remains.
64296
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