Original subtitles

[boy] Carmie.

[echoes]

Carmie! Carmie! Carmie, are you okay?

[Carmie] My birth mother? My birth mother?

[laughs]

-You got to see this. -[heart beating]

The writing is beautiful,

almost hypnotic.

[heart beating loudly]

[Carmie screams, grunts]

[distorted voice speaking]

Dylan, hey. Are you okay?

What was that noise?

Oh, no.

No!

Oh, I'm good. Thank you.

No, no! Out of my way! No, no.

-Oh! Oh, Batman number seven. -[Carmie sighs]

[Collector] Oh, you're safe.

-What happened? -[Dylan] I don't know.

It's been years since a grimoire was addressed to me.

-A what? -Grimoire.

A magical book with incredible powers.

They don't let just anyone read them, you know.

So, this was sent to you?

No. Dylan just showed it to me.

Well, it found you,

so keep it away from my merchandise.

You never know with relics.

It just blew me across the room, and I barely even touched it.

[Collector] Yes. Well, obviously, you conjured

-a telekinetic explosion. -What? Conjured?

I didn't do anything.

Yeah. Well, tell that to my comics.

I carbon-dated it 1403,

and I scanned it, designed an algorithm

to see if it synced up to a known language.

-Right. -I was working my way

-through all 6,000... -It's Goblin.

-What does it say? -Well, I don't know.

No one reads Goblin except for Goblins.

And believe me when I say this...

they are the worst.

No other Mythic likes them.

They stink. They eat children. They chew with their mouth open.

They cannot be trusted.

Many years ago, a Goblin tried to sell me

what he insisted were magic beans!

They were chickpeas!

Take my advice. Forget you ever found that thing.

Whatever it says is trouble.

I agree. Let's just forget about this.

Not a chance! Okay?

A loose Goblin, a magical skin,

Carmie getting blasted across the room

Oh, I've never felt so alive!

[scoffs] When I said I wanted a normal high school experience,

this is not what I had in mind.

?

[theme music playing]

?

[Kev] That looks eerily natural on you.

Really? How about this?

[hisses]

Don't... don't do that. People will see you!

Kev, you worry too much.

Dude, what is up with your lunch?

Perfectly proportioned. Proteins, carbs, and fats.

I measure all my macros.

Carmie, did you have some kind of a vision

when you touched this?

Hear anything? Smelled something?

No, no, no, and no.

That's four nos. What's the last one for?

No, I'm not getting involved with this,

now that I know that Goblins are attached to it.

-So... -Yeah.

...you guys going to the dance tomorrow night?

Dressing up to be put on display and judged to see

if you're socially acceptable? Not interested.

Isn't that all of high school?

Yes, but I agree with Kev.

I don't need somebody telling me where and when I can dance.

When he's right, he's right.

Fine. If you guys don't go, I won't go.

[dance music playing]

-[squeals] -[boy] Nice moves.

Will I see them at the dance tomorrow night?

Yes. Of course.

I'll be there. Early.

I have to get those free chips.

Sweet. Save me a dance?

Maybe, if you'll save one for me.

[chuckles]

?

Is he gone?

No. No. No. Yes.

I'm going to the dance! [squeals]

Wait. You just said you weren't going.

Well, that was before. Now, we're going!

[Dylan, Kev] We?

Yes! You guys can be my wingmen.

[gasps, squeals]

[music playing]

-How's this one? -[Rainey] Well no.

-It's too bold. -Yeah.

[Rainey] Uh, too old.

Eh.

[Rainey] Ooh. No. Washes you out.

Oh, dangerous!

-[Carmie yelps, thuds] Ow. -[Rainey] Told you.

-Ugh! -[Rainey pants]

[Rainey] You're going to need outside help. [pants]

?

[phone rings]

Hey. Yeah.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think I need your help.

[Kev] Uh, what is all that?

This is your lucky day, my boy. The second printing

of your Carmela Book One: I Don't Bite Yet!

Tons of orders have come in since the signing,

and you're even trending on Protected-By-Plastic-Film.com.

Kev, you, sir, are the It Boy

of the self-published independent comic book world!

-Whoa. -Yes. Next stop Fan Con!

That's the biggest comic book convention of the year.

Oh, you bet it is, and once I finish your application,

you'll be able to hang with all your adoring fans.

You'd do that for me?

For you? [chuckles]

No. This is for me.

My decade-long ban is almost up.

I'll be your plus one

and then return to Fan Con in all my glory.

Introducing a new talent, of course. [chuckles]

Now, all I have to do is fill out a simple

35-page application?

Send a physical copy by mail.

Well, why not just do it online?

[chuckles] No, no.

This is a historical moment, my friend.

I'm not going reduce this to the metaverse. [scoffs]

All right. Now, it needs to be postmarked by

midnight tomorrow?

That's impossible.

I mean totally doable. [clears throat]

Now, leave me to my task.

Come on. We've got work to do.

Yes. I also have work to do.

Okay. Move everything out.

Massage tables there, supplies there,

and yeah, those lights, we're going to have to change them.

I'm glad you called.

-I brought my team. -Team?

LeannaLifers come in all shapes and sizes.

then the best place to find a Goblin is near a body of water.

Yeah. That checks out with what's in Abraham's journal.

"I tracked a Goblin to the seaside town of Doolin.

The beast thought the dizzying Cliffs of Moher would stop me.

He was wrong."

-That's intense. -Yeah.

[Kev] I prefer to draw my adventures,

not be a part of them.

This is the only riddle

the greatest Helsing could never solve.

You know, this is my chance to reclaim my purpose,

make my ancestors proud,

be the greatest hunter in the Helsing lineage.

You're not going to believe what just happened.

You found a Goblin?

Even better. We have customers. Kev.

On it. Dylan, finish up here.

Yeah.

?

Gross.

[Leanna] You don't know how long you've needed this makeover for.

Well, I really just needed help

finding a nice outfit for the dance.

-Nice or awesome? -Awesome.

Well, that's almost impossible, but lucky for you,

I don't believe in almost. I got you.

This skin hydrating and pore reduction treatment

is the first step of oh so many.

We cannot find the perfect outfit

until the rest of you is ready to wear it.

Wow. Why so complicated?

Well, you're so happy being you.

But when I'm done with you, you're going to look so fire

the school's gonna need fire extinguishers on standby.

But lucky for you, local fire code mandates they do.

[Carmie chuckles]

[seagulls calling]

[Dylan] Goblins crawl everywhere, always leaving

their mark behind.

[clattering]

Please try not to attract attention.

Sorry! One of them looked at me funny.

?

[Dylan] Yep. Same as the journal describes.

Goblin. They do exist!

Uh, I think I've seen enough here.

[clattering]

Quiet! Are you trying to compromise this entire mission?

Well, what if I don't wanna be on a mission?

Okay. Goblins are alerted by noise.

If one is here, you just let it know we're coming, okay?

Oh, and FYI, they eat kids.

That's exactly why we should be going.

[loudly] Uh, just to be clear,

I'm a teenager!

I'm a teenager, not a kid, child,

or whatever age bracket you eat!

Is this really necessary for a school dance?

[Leanna] Teeth whitening makes your eyes stand out,

and yes, it is very necessary.

[gasps]

?

[seagulls calling]

[Kev] Are you sure there's going to be a Goblin here?

Remind me. How many Blendeds have you captured?

Uh, none.

Ah! I'm being attacked!

Help! Help me!

He really isn't getting the whole quiet part

of this mission.

[Leanna] Lastly, we need to release tension

and bring balance to the body with a hot stone massage.

Amazing.

I know, right? I feel so light.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

[Collector] What is Kev's artistic process?

I know.

My greatest inspiration

mm-hmm

is a man

like no other [chuckles]

a man who is known for his knowledge

of all things comic books.

Without him, I would be nothing.

-[dings] -[girl] I'd like to get this.

Interruptions everywhere, all of the time!

-[clattering] -[girl] Dude, you suck.

Thank you for coming, but we are closed now! Goodbye!

Sign, closed! Bye!

Oh, my word.

No. Oh! Young lady! Do you remember what I wrote?

-[girl] Bite me. -[groans]

That's my good squid ink as well.

[Leanna] The metamorphosis you are about to witness

took hours of long, hard, and painful work.

Oh, not on me. This cannot not work. On her.

[Carmie] You had a spa team and a professional shopper.

Yeah. How did you get them out of here so fast?

LeannaLifers get it done. [chuckles] Moving on.

[sighs] It was a long, hard, and painful process.

You may not recognize your daughter.

Carmela?

It's Carmie.

?

[Leanna] I like to think of myself as an alchemist,

like I turned your daughter from a chunk of lead

into spun gold.

Our baby!

She's all grown up!

Oh.

-Pictures. -Pictures. Pictures.

[camera snaps twice]

Oh. Um, honey, we really need a new camera.

Okay, people. Let's go.

Oh. You look so beautiful.

Thank you!

[Bill] Let's go. I'm one of the chaperones.

[Aasha] Have fun!

We promised Carmie we'd be her wingman for the dance.

-It's late! -[Dylan groans]

The faster we find a Goblin,

the faster we'll figure out the answer to this riddle.

Okay. "Goblins love loud noises,

be it the clattering of horse hooves

or the racket of machinery."

[clangs]

-[yelling] What are you doing? -Summoning a Goblin.

[clangs] We've got to get to the dance.

This isn't really the best way!

-[clangs] -Okay.

They might also smell like rotten eggs,

which we can find out quietly.

Hey! You can hear you kids from a mile away.

Uh, we were looking for...

Who cares? Go away!

Now!

[groans]

Where are you guys?

Uh, we're on the hunt.

You're glowing. I mean, you always glow, literally,

but you're, like, glowing glowing. Wow.

-Highlights? -Yeah. They were Leanna's idea.

Leanna? Like, the "she's our friend

but not really our friend" Leanna?

I think you meant to say, "Thank you."

Are you guys coming or not? Okay? I need my crew.

This is my first high school dance!

We'll be there.

Uh, after we catch us a Goblin.

This, this is imperative.

Who's dressing up as a Goblin? Is this a costume dance?

Nobody told me there were costumes!

[Bill] Right. Let's go, girls.

-[beeps] -[Leanna] No. We're too early.

Can you just, like, drive around the block or something?

If we're not fashionably late, then we're not fashionable.

[Bill sighs]

?

[laughs gleefully]

Whoo! Can't believe I'm going to have this done

with time to spare. [chuckles]

Time to celebrate.

Oh, good work, Collector.

Well, thank you, Collector.

Oh.

Can't believe it. It's actually happening.

Oh, my G... Uh, uh, uh, uh, ah!

[grunts]

Ah! Ah!

[groans]

Ah, it's not too damaged.

? Like duh ?

? Walk through doors with confidence ?

? High heels click click Always making moves ?

? I was born with this ?

? There's no stopping this I ain't got nothing to prove ?

We should've waited 15 minutes! We could be fashionably late!

Leanna, if we waited any more time,

we would've missed the whole dance.

Ladies, you look beautiful. Enjoy yourselves.

Act like I'm not even here.

[music playing, students chattering, laughing]

Tristan?

[music playing, students chattering, laughing]

?

[seagulls calling, boat horn blowing]

Will I ever bring honour to the Helsing name?

[man] What did you say?

Uh, creepy old man approaching!

Careful with the name-calling, kid.

I bite. [snarls]

Ever see a dentist?

Dentist? Why mess with perfection?

What name did you say just now?

Honour to the Helsing name.

What do you know about Helsing?

I'm the great-great-grandson

of the fearless Abraham Van Helsing.

I come from a long line of noble hunters

who live by virtue, and our legacy 'til this day

rings strong and true.

That's the goal, anyway.

That's what they all say.

I can shrink you if need be. Now, show yourself.

Now, that's a Helsing move.

Whoa. A Goblin!

I knew it. Your scent was in the air.

Your great-great-grandpops let me go once,

or I got away.

Not sure, but I owe him one.

Wait. How old are you?

That's rude.

Can you translate this?

For Abe's kin?

Why not?

[speaks Goblin language in very deep voice]

[in human voice] Who's Carmela?

[music playing, students chattering]

Update. First party of the year,

and good vibes.

The food is atrocious.

But the real news is, my best friend, Carmela,

mm, well, see, her friends ditched her,

and her crush is a no-show.

You know, I feel so bad for her, right?

I told her no big deal, but really, what a disaster.

Leanna, can we not do this?

Sorry. I have to keep a constant stream.

Otherwise, my analytics go way down.

[chuckles] Yeah.

?

?

Carmie.

You look beautiful.

So, you just got here?

Yes. Parents. You know how they are.

-They just kept taking pictures. -Yeah.

[music playing, students chattering, laughing]

-Stop. -Leanna,

-we need to talk to Carmie. -It's really important.

No more important than what is happening now.

-[both] Carmie! -Shh!

[music playing, students chattering, laughing]

So, do you want to dance with me?

Only with you.

Come on.

?

? I'm ready, I'm ready ?

? I'm ready to fall ?

? In love ?

? I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready ?

You two second place. Tristan first place.

My makeovers are life-changing! Now, back off!

? I don't know where ?

? But I know that I'm going ?

? No matter what I do ?

? I'll keep my heart open ?

? I'm ready, I'm ready ?

? I'm ready to fall ?

? In love ?

? I'm ready, I'm ready ?

? I'm ready to fall in love ?

[Bill sighs]

This is the longest slow song ever.

? I'm ready, I'm ready ?

? I'm ready to fall ?

? In love ?

? I don't know where ?

? But I know that I'm going ?

? No matter what I do ?

? I'll keep my heart open ?

? I'm ready, I'm ready ?

? I'm ready to fall in love ?

[fast dance music plays, students cheer]

?

[vacuum whirs]

[knocking]

-Oh! Oh. -[vacuum turns off]

[stammers, clears throat]

Ah. Hello! You're early!

Uh, no. I'm actually late.

So, you can thank me for even swinging by.

Uh, the... the package is still a bit, uh, crisp.

Uh, just give me a minute. Give me a minute,

and I will have it all set for you. [grunts]

There we go. [mutters, grunts]

Ha.

Now, away with you, person of the mail!

-[Kev] Carmie! -I slow danced! With a boy!

Do you see that? It happened.

And you two left me stranded with Leanna all night.

-Carmie, you don't understand. -No.

I was my own wing woman, and I crushed it!

Carmie, you need to listen.

[sighs] Not right here.

We found a Goblin.

What? Really? How?

Uh, an old friend of the family.

Yeah, and he translated the skin.

What does it say?

That Carmela will choose Mythic

and lead them in a war against humans.

You have no choice.

You will be a Mythic and destroy all humankind.

No.

No.

?

[Tristan] Hello?

Hello?

[Shapeshifter] Does she trust you?

Oh, she trusts me.

I'll deliver her.

[chuckles]

?

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