Original subtitles

[jaunty piano music]

- [Woman] Gwen and I weren't expecting

to inherit loving tributes.

- [Man] I'm an entertainer: actor, singer, dancer.

- I'm a Virgo, so great on a budget.

- [Woman] We're renovating.

- You've got asbestos.

- [Woman 2] Mom thinks that you are depressed.

- How would mum know? She doesn't answer my calls.

- You and I, we're gonna be partners.

- [Woman 3] I bought my flights to Bali.

- I was just gonna maybe ask you out.

- Dean, I don't love you. Please move out.

Just whenever you're ready.

- You can do it on your own.

- I know.

Koro taught me how and I don't think he'd mind

that I used the company card to pay for my flights.

[fist thuds]

[Woman grunts]

[phone alarm music]

[upbeat music]

[body bags zip]

[fax machine whirs]

[ketchup squelches]

So, how tall are you? Do you own a house?

Do you want kids?

♪ Talking smack then take it back ♪

♪ Then wonder if you can

♪ Get up and walk out

Is there baldness on your mother's father's side?

It's genetic.

♪ For a moment

♪ You've been painting pictures ♪

Any preexisting medical conditions

that I should know about?

If you had to say, who's more important,

your girlfriend or your mum?

If you were in Harry Potter,

which house would you be in?

Everyone says Gryffindor

but I'm thinking Hufflepuff for you.

♪ Now we're over, are we even part of the scene ♪

[phone rings]

- Koto Loving Tributes, this is Ellie speaking.

Oh, I am sorry to hear that, Diane.

I'm sure we can help you make some arrangements.

Where is your husband now?

So the accident took both of his legs?

Okay.

Okay.

- [Man] Good morning, Katrina.

Yes. Well, thank you.

And you?

- Um.

- Yes Katrina, I'm calling

because we received delivery

of your 6x3, 75 mL automatic air fresher canisters.

- And you're sure you want to do open casket?

- Well, I believe we ordered sea breeze

yet what I'm smelling is distinctly floral.

- [Ellie] I understand.

- No Katrina, it is not geranium. It's sickly

- Well, we do have smaller caskets

but I'm afraid he might be a little broad.

- Yeah, I know what I ordered.

I have the invoice.

- No, we don't do half caskets.

- MQ.

What?

- I'm just-

a little worried he might look like

one of those magic tricks.

- Once. M for Meryl Streep.

No there's no S.

- Why don't we just pencil in a day for the service?

[playful music]

How about Wednesday?

- M-Q-1-7-R-P

- No. Friday?

- P

- No. Okay. Saturday?

- Please hurry up.

The point is it's definitely not Sableman breeze, Katrina.

- These things can be time sensitive Katrina-

Sorry. Sorry, Diane.

- So unprofessional.

Yes. I'll hold.

[man hums to jazzy hold music]

- Sorry. I'm just having

a little bit of trouble hearing you.

Why don't I give you a call back?

- Okay. Katrina.

No, thank you.

These things happen.

- Okay. Bye.

- Okay. Goodbye.

Well, they're gonna send us a free canister.

Coconut. We'll see how it goes.

Shall we?

[upbeat piano music]

This is from the Smiths.

They were very happy with their service the other day.

Yeah.

- The Smiths?

Who were they? The Herbivores?

- The vegetarians.

- What did I do for them?

- [Ellie] I don't know. - Samosas?

I might have done blue cheese.

Did I do blue cheese?

- I don't know.

- Oh God. We've been so busy.

I can't remember.

- So this is a few things that-

- I'll go.

So some notes on.

- Okay. Well then you go.

- I'll start on the pretzels, if that's good.

- Uh, just a reminder not to congregate

at the back of the chapel during busy services.

And we do need to keep those fire exits clear.

- Can I have the chutney?

- Yeah. We've got another two services this week

so we're expecting big numbers.

Please be prepared.

Be mindful.

- Just keep energy up.

It might be a hundred times that we've done this,

but for some in the audience

it might be their first funeral.

- Yeah. Also pay week this week.

So get your receipts in and I can reimburse you.

- We can, we can reimburse you.

- Yeah. Also Hemi's portrait is nearly finished

and we'll be hanging that in the office.

- Do you guys know that you can get ashes, right?

And get them turned into like

jewelry like diamonds and stuff.

So we could do that to Hemi.

You know, get an earring.

- Yeah. Or just one like George Michael.

- No, we- we're not doing jewelry.

Can we focus please, team?

We've got important things to get through.

Dean.

- Yes. Thank you.

Paper towels in the bathroom.

We are going through them at a rate of knots.

So let's remember it is shake first thusly

and then one towelette each please.

- Asparagus rolls.

[whimsical piano music]

- [Man] Sorry?

- That's what I fed the Smith's. Asparagus rolls.

[Ellie sighs]

[toilet flushes]

[toilet gurgles]

[Ellie yelps]

- Can I help you?

Hello?

You're not blinking.

Are you real?

- Oh, there you are.

Thank Christ.

- We were just having fun, weren't we?

- I just gave Dean the USB with the photos.

- You've got my number.

So just text me if you need anything else before tomorrow.

- Thanks. All right, come on, Missy.

Gotta stop wandering off before you get kidnapped

and you'll die.

- Okay.

- And that's why I do pro bono eye surgeries for refugees.

- Wow. That is terrific.

How tall did you say you were?

- Uh, six foot.

- And do you rent or own?

- Oh um,

I got in at a good time.

I have a place in town and a couple on the waterfront.

- Impressive.

- So what do you do?

- Um, I'm a businesswoman.

I'm in dispatch.

- Oh yeah? How'd you get into that?

- Have you ever been arrested?

[nervous chuckling]

I'm just...

But have you?

- No.

- Cool. Just checking.

Um, did you wanna share a dessert?

I've kind of an eyeing up the-

- [Both] Chocolate fudge brownie.

- Yeah.

Okay.

I think we'll do it.

The chocolate fudge brownie, please.

- To share.

- [Waiter] Perfect, coming right up guys.

- You're really beautiful.

[nervous chuckle]

Um,

what are you up to this weekend?

- I've got cricket on Saturday, but I'm free on Sunday.

- Cricket?

Are you filling in?

- No our team made the semis.

- Oh, that's, so it's pretty serious then.

- We're a social team, but we like to win.

- So you'll keep it up for a while.

- If my body lets me.

[uptempo whimsical music]

- Those are really long games.

I wonder if they've started making the brownie.

- [Woman] So, was he a winner?

- Oh, cute. But no.

Plays cricket.

- Oh, no wiggle room on that one?

- 90 minutes is my max game time.

- Ugh the new florist just can't get

these arrangements right.

- Hold on.

You don't think these boys deserve a second date?

- Why waste my time when I already know

it's not gonna work.

- They might surprise you.

- Don't like surprises.

- You have a leak.

- Oh.

Hi Trisha.

- In the bathroom.

- Is it bad?

- Not yet.

- Okay. Well, I'll deal with it later.

- Well I am crossing my fingers for you, Ellie.

I have a good feeling about your next date.

- Why are you holding that?

- It's a date!

- That that's a prune.

- Ha.

Well, I have made prune scones then.

[classical piano music]

- Oh my God!

Why is everyone creeping up on me?

Hello again.

Sorry to hear about your granddad.

You look nice in black.

That's my granddad inside that urn.

He died and then we burned him

and now he's just in lots of tiny bits.

You like this stuff don't you?

That's why you're following me.

You know, not everyone can handle death.

Wanna see something really cool?

Look. [child screams]

Shh, it's all right, it's alright.

It's okay, hun.

It's okay. It's okay.

Um, sorry.

- There you are. It's okay, baby.

What are you doing here?

- I-I was just wondering the same thing.

- This is not a place for kids.

- Exactly. Yeah.

That's just what I said just before you walked in.

- [Man] And a time for every matter, under heaven

a time to be born,

and a time to die. - Turn around.

- A time to plant,

and a time to pluck up

what has been planted.

A time to embrace

and a time to refrain from embrace.

[flatulence sound]

- Ah, sorry sorry.

- A time to seek.

- What are you doing here?

- Did you just do a fright fart?

- And a time to lose.

[Ellie shushes]

- When did you get back?

- Just now. Stop trying to cover up your fart.

- You didn't tell me you were coming back.

- Yeah. Can I have your house keys?

- Wha- I- I'm so confused.

- I'll explain later. Can I have your keys?

- A time to keep silence. Thank you.

- You've got a fringe.

- Yeah. Give me your house keys.

- But I've got a fringe.

- No, that's a clip in situation.

- I was gonna get it cut, I was just testing it out.

Now I can't get one.

- Why?

- Because we already look the the same.

- No, you look heaps older than me.

- Go in the office we'll be finished soon.

- Fine.

- It's nice to see you.

- Yeah.

- Mmm you smell like sunshine.

- You smell like fart.

- Shh.

- Hurry up okay? Cause I really wanna go home.

- And may you believe in the courage of yourself.

Thank you.

May you walk gently through the world

[suitcase clangs]

May they never part from the beating of your heart.

[suitcase clangs]

- [Sister] Fuck.

Let us pray.

[suitcase clangs]

- [Sister] Get it, girl.

- I still can't believe you're here.

I just saw a photo of you eating breakfast

off a floating tray.

- Yeah. Yesterday I was in paradise

and today I'm here.

- How come you didn't tell me you were coming home?

- Well, I wanted to surprise everyone.

So I went straight to mum's from the airport,

but when I got there, she wasn't home.

And there was an old man standing in the kitchen

wearing nothing but a towel.

- How old?

- Oh, at least 50.

I could see the outline of his cock. It was disgusting.

- Okay is that relevant?

- Yeah, I think it's pretty relevant.

If there's a foreign schlong in my house.

- It's mum's house.

And that schlong probably belonged to her boyfriend.

- Mum doesn't have a boyfriend. She would've told me.

He's clearly a one night stand

who has overstayed his welcome.

He was using the blender.

I'm not going back down there 'til he's gone.

- Put that back it's Dean's.

- Can I please have your keys?

Cause I'm- I'm so tired and I need a nap.

- [Ellie] What happened to the DJ'ing?

- I was wondering the same thing.

- No, don't worry. I don't want my half back or anything.

- Well you can't have it back.

- Good.

[whimsical piano music]

- Where'd your friend go?

- I thought I heard a Gwen.

- Sheza!

Oh my god you're pretty!

- You look really pretty today Sha-

- Oh, thanks.

Where did your fringe go?

- Oh it was just a clip in.

- Hey, you're still in your bikini.

- Yeah. Can you not wear your togs here please?

- Do not jiggle my tit here please.

Where's Beau?

- Working because he has a job.

- He's gone to the crematorium.

- Cool. Okay.

Well I would like to go now please.

Can you order me an Uber? They don't pick me up anymore.

- [Ellie] Oh, wait downstairs.

And I'll take you home in a minute.

- Oh, I'll help you with that.

- No, no, no, Sharon, you're preg- pretty.

You're too pretty.

[Gwen laugsh]

[suitcase clangs]

My bad.

- Is this about Gwen?

I had no idea she was coming back.

- Well, you two were very distracting.

I was in the middle of a monologue.

- That must have been frustrating for you.

So I'm sorry.

- I accept your apology.

Will Gwen be a problem going forward?

- Absolutely not.

[door knocks]

- That leak's getting worse.

- Leak? What leak?

I wasn't told about a leak.

- Oh, darn. Right.

- [Trish] Do you have insurance?

- [Ellie] Yes.

- I didn't.

Took the kids to Euro Disney

and Goofy pushed me in front of a float.

Eight grand to fix these wrists

and Winnie just laughed.

- Oh.

- See what I can do.

- In other news,

I've mocked up some business cards.

- Oh, Good Funeral Services.

- Oh I'm just trying it out.

Thought we could do with a bit of a rebrand.

- Without me.

- Well, Good-Dolce Funeral sounds a bit-

- No. Dolce is my stage name.

Here, I'm Dean Fish.

- What so? Good-Fish Funerals?

- Could be Fish-Good Funerals.

- We can park that.

I was also thinking the website could do

with a bit of an update.

- Oh, it's more about social media these days.

- I will pop that on my list as well.

- Well, just in the future,

can we make it office policy

that any strategic decisions made

about Loving Tributes are signed off by both owners?

- I acknowledge that concern.

Also, could we make it office policy not to make

phone calls when another staff member is already on a call?

- Okay.

Could we make it office policy to always tie our hair back?

Because when some staff members wear

their long mousey hair out,

I found it can clog out the vacuum cleaner.

- Hmm. Can we also make it office policy to park straight

in between the lines?

- Wow.

Okay. Can we make it office policy to do a courtesy flush?

Cause someone here has a stubborn stool.

[gravel crunches]

- Can I have a drag?

- Jesus. You still work here?

- Yeah, well he just got me back.

Took the crew ages to get rid of all the asbestos.

Odds are I've inhaled some.

- [Gwen] Here you go. Inhale this.

- I haven't had a ciggy in six years.

- Shit. Do you want me to try and stop you?

Okay.

I'm gonna pretend like you didn't tell me that.

Why are you drenched?

- It's toilet water

- [Gwen] Beau!

- And now I'm really wet.

- Okay, bye Trisha.

- Hey.

- Hey, when?

- Surprise! [nervous laughter]

Hi.

Give you a hug.

It's good to see you.

- You too.

So you like a big time DJ now?

- Yeah. My limo is parked around the corner.

I basically only came here to tell you guys

that I'm so famous I'll probably never see you again.

- Right, well, I mean I could be your chauffer.

- I'll have to talk to my manager. He's real protective.

- Sweet.

You, uh...

You never messaged me back.

- Yeah. Sorry.

I got, I got kind of homesick.

- Is that why you're-

- How's Frankie doing?

- Uh.

Yeah. Yeah. She's good.

I actually don't get to see her much.

Career was made redundant,

so just been picking up work where I can, you know?

Street sweeping, fruit picking, dog walking.

- Well, I know Trisha would pay you good money for a route.

Oh hey Trisha, don't litter. Come on.

- Global warming.

It's all gonna burn anyway.

- God I've missed her.

So do you wanna hang out?

- Uh. When?

- Well like now or later or whenever.

- Um, I'm actually at the orchard.

- Yeah

- This afternoon. - That's all good.

- Hey Beau. Gwen I'm going.

- I'll see you later.

- [Beau] See you later.

- Oh my bag. See you.

[whimsical piano music]

[engine revs]

- [Ellie] Push the button. - Like open it?

Just pop it. Pop it with the button.

- [Ellie] Push the button.

- Push.

Oh yeah. I can do it.

Okay.

- Home sweet home.

- [Gwen] Oh, how is that still standing?

- Be careful with your suitcase please.

Probably haven't seen my new place.

I've really made it my own.

It's my sanctuary.

- It looks like a show home.

- Thank you.

- No thank you for giving me permission

to dance like nobody is watching.

[water running]

- Aroha. Am I right?

- Okay.

[Gwen gasp]

- Ellie! - [Ellie] What?

- It's that simple!

Why do I take antidepressants

when I could just live life with passion?

- Okay.

- Ooh, earthy.

Hello.

Ellie.

- What?

- My period pain, it's gone.

- All right, that's enough.

- Oh shit.

What is that?

Please don't say it's a vision board.

- It's my vision board.

- Oh my God.

Hell no I need, I need a ciggy.

- What happened to your vape?

- Everyone smokes in Bali.

It's like $3 a pack.

- Well, you can't smoke here

and definitely nowhere near Sharon.

- So she is pregnant.

- Yes.

- I knew it.

She's quite far along.

Wait, does she know she's pregnant?

- She knows.

She just doesn't like to talk about it.

- What happened to your staff?

I swear you had more.

- What happened to your DJ decks?

- I sold them to buy my ticket home.

- How did you spend all your money?

Bali is famously cheap.

- Not when you have a pool, and a masseuse, and a chef.

I need a snack. What have you got?

- I can't believe you've spent all your money.

[knock on door]

- Your mailbox hit my car.

Came outta nowhere and took out my wing mirror.

It's in a really bad place. You should reposition it.

It's on the ground now so you can.

Any who I'm not paying for the damages

so I'm gonna need your insurance details and your license.

Where's Gwen?

- Hi mom.

[vase clatters]

- Mom!

- Baba! Come come!

Oh I missed you.

- I missed you too!

- Look at your tan you sexy thing.

How come you didn't let me know you were coming home?

- I wanted to surprise you.

- I would've picked you up from the airport.

- There was a man in your kitchen.

- Yeah. It's Stu.

- Ew gross. Why was he making Stew?

- His name's Stu.

- What kind of name is Stu?

- Stu like short for Stewart.

- Oh, right. Yeah. That is a name.

Well, what was he doing in the house?

- He lives there.

- Like a flat mate?

- Like a boyfriend.

- Told you.

- Thank you darling.

- And why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend?

- Well, I was going to tell you when you came home.

- Well I'm home.

So you're gonna have to kick him out.

- I'm not kicking him out.

Stu's great. You're gonna love him.

- So you're kicking me out?

- No!

Like it's just, there's not a lot of space at the moment.

So we moved your bed into the garage

so Stu could have an office.

- Are you kidding me? He's in my room.

Did he touch my Tamagotchi's?

- What? I don't know.

- Mom, look, I really didn't wanna have to do this

but

it's me or Stu.

- Stu.

- Oh my God, that was so fast.

- [Mum] Gwen, we are together.

You should have given me more notice

and I could have made up the couch.

- I'm not sleeping on the couch in my own fucking house.

What about the guest room?

- It's for the guests.

Well, you could sleep here with your sister.

That'll be fun.

- What? - Hell no

- Excuse me, sorry. Do I get a say?

- Have you sent the insurance details yet?

- I've been here literally the whole time.

- This is a real kick in the clam, mum.

- Gwen, you're tired, just go and have a nap.

- Yeah, sleep here.

We'll work everything out another time.

- No, I mean at your house.

- This place sucks. She never has any nice snacks.

- Don't make her anything too spicy.

- I'm not cooking for her because she's not staying here.

- She gets a funny tummy.

I love you Gwen.

- What is happening?

- [Mum] I love you!

- If he's touched my Tamagotchi's he's dead.

Also, can you wash these?

They're wet.

[uptempo whimsical music]