Original subtitles

♪ Head above water I'm making a way ♪

♪ It's the first of the month And the bills ain't paid ♪

♪ I'm saying Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Yeah Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Keep my family close Pick me up when I'm low ♪

♪ Help me down on this road And I'mma bring us back home again ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times Yeah ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ And today I'mma get out my way, Momma ♪

♪ They try to spray But the spirit kept me safe, Momma ♪

♪ Again Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Yeah Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Hustling to survive I'm just doing my job ♪

♪ Feds be blocking my shine But the sun always rises here ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times Yeah ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[DJ Cam-Wow] Oh, yeah!

For all the lovers out there, you know what today is.

Black Love Day.

And you know who this is. DJ Cam-Wow.

Not Steve Harvey. That ***** stole my voice. [laughing]

We celebrate our Black Love on leap year,

so hopefully y'all are leaping into someone's DM.

Not mine though 'cause my wife crazy.

Now real talk. Y'all had four years to get this here right.

A dollar a day for the last four years is $1,460.

Even if Ray-Ray needed bail money, you ought to have enough left over

for some damn flowers and Olive Garden. [laughs]

Have a Happy Black Love Day, y'all.

Lisa. I came early so I could beat the... crowd.

Hey, Bev! Happy Black Love Day, boo!

Happy BLD to you. How's it going?

February 29th is always a good day for me.

Shit, I make more bread today

than Easter and Pastor Appreciation Day combined.

Won't he do it!

Can you get me in before the Second Coming?

Not before me.

Lisa, I told you my man is takin' me window shopping

at the Queen's exhibit at the museum.

I cannot be late.

I got you, Bambi. Damn! Now, Madam President, have a seat.

I'mma get to you in a minute.

What y'all not gon' do is stress me over this holiday.

- [Beverly grunts] - Girl, you can get by. What are you doing?

Did I tell y'all what I'm getting for my Black Love Day gift?

A genuine faux designer purse!

Well, my man is gettin' me an engraved gold tooth

with all our kids' initials on it.

And it's gonna be a vampire tooth, so it's classy.

Oh, that is classy.

Yes, bitch! I got fitted for my molds last week.

Well, my husband promised me a whole new wardrobe.

Only problem is now I gotta tell him my real size.

[all laughing]

Bev, since you're in charge of the Black Love Day Stuntin-Luncheon,

we expecting a lot, Madam President.

Yeah, a whole lot. Like some shrimp scampi and box wine

while we brag about our gifts.

Y'all are putting way too much on this Stuntin-Luncheon.

Your happiness shouldn't depend on a gift from a man.

[all laughing]

[Hi-Low speaking Korean]

Hi-Low said you just saying that

'cause Reggie always give you whack-ass gifts on Black Love Day.

He does not.

Happy Black Love Day, baby. Look at this!

Ooh. Look, it even has extra avocados.

Happy Black Love Day, baby. Ooh, a quarter. That one's mine.

They finally put it on clearance, baby. Happy Black Love...

[mysterious music playing]

[all laughing]

Girl, I've dated prisoners who got better care packages.

Reggie should call them "I don't care" packages. [laughing]

Please. He should call them "I don't give a shit" packages.

Does your husband even like you?

He could at least give you a baby. [scoffs] They free.

Don't come for my husband.

Reggie made me a promise on the last Black Love Day

that he was gon' do something special, and that's what he's gon' do.

Girl, I've got a dub that says he messes it up.

Easy money, baby. That's a bet.

[woman] I'll take that money.

[soft music playing]

[Junior] Love is in the air, Grey.

And it smells pathetic.

I refuse to participate in the monetization of Black love

for white capitalism to milk our community

and then toss us aside for another four years.

Too many words. I stopped listening.

Anyway, I just swiped right on this baddie,

and I'm trying to get all the Black lovin' I can.

Last hashtag "Black Love Day," your boy was too young,

but I'm a man now, with hair in sweaty places.

The only thing missing is this lucky lady to trim the hard-to-reach spots. Ooh!

That's gross and stupid. Plus, the hashtag is silent.

Like your phone on Black Love Day?

You know, you always throwing your big brain around.

This is a holiday for fools, Grey.

Fools in love, which is why you'll be all alone.

Oh, because I happen to be smart?

[grunting] Your face isn't doing you any favors either.

[romantic music playing]

- Hey, you're back. - Yep. Notice anything special?

- You're wearing your good girdle? - Reggie!

You don't have to suck nothing in for me, baby.

Now, here, before I forget.

What is this?

The rent money, baby.

I work hard to provide for my family and my wife,

even if she is the presidente.

Wait. You really don't know what day it is?

Yeah, yeah! Uh, it's the first time we...

- No. - No. No. No. My ba...

- It's the second time... - No!

[stammering] Wait! Michael Jordan's birthday!

Yeah.

Whoo! Damn, baby. Can you wash his jersey so I can wear it later?

Man, you know I love me some Michael Jordan with my whole heart.

Whoo! Hey. You have a great day.

[soft music playing]

[sighing] Get yours, girl.

'Cause I'm gonna get mine. Thank you. Reggie.

OMG, you are the cutest baby in the whole wide world.

Peekaboo! Ah, peekaboo.

Where'd she go?

I'm right here!

Don't do that! I almost messed up a Pamper.

Now, what you need? Shit.

The West Virginia special.

Two bottles of Oxy coming right up.

But I gotta hit your ass with that white lady surcharge

'cause you scared the shit out of me. Literally.

Sorry. Thanks, Dal. Off to do drugs!

A light-skimmed iced latte for me and a Black-accino for you.

- Ooh! - What you wanna holler at me about?

I need your help. I've been texting with this girl,

and I want her to be my date for hashtag "Black Love Day."

You? Texting a girl?

Let me see this soft six that got you drooling.

Damn! This soft six is giving me a hard three.

Man, how'd you pull that?

Just by being me. Who she now wants to see pictures of.

She said my avatar ain't enough,

but I can't decide which pictures to send her.

What are you doing? These are all you.

- I thought you wanted to get with her. - I do.

Well, we only got one choice.

We gon' have to put some filters on this bitch.

Which ones?

All of 'em. You ugly as hell.

That's better.

[upbeat music playing]

Stupid holiday. We should be loving each other every day.

Ooh. Nothing like drowning out the misery of this holiday

with the rush of an equally toxic glucose spike from some Lo-Chews.

Hey, little mama. The fuck you doing? I was here first.

No, I was, Soulja Boy. Now, let it go!

Nah, you let it go.

No, you!

Hey! What are you two doing over there?

Sorry, old man, but this one just can't keep her hands off me.

You ready to go, baby?

- What? - Run!

Hey, get back over here!

[Grey panting]

I can't believe we did that! I've never stolen anything before!

No shit. I'm your first?

Well, I hope it was as good for you as it was for me,

but if it wasn't, it's about to be.

[magical tone]

[tittering]

You stupid.

Real talk. What's your government?

Grey.

Ain't nothing gray about you. I'm Quan.

Hey, Quan.

Yo, shorty, you droolin', boo. You must be hungry. Let's go.

Okay.

[magical sparkles tone]

[man on radio] That's another R&B hit for all you lovers enjoying your BLD.

Enjoying your BLD? Breakfast, lunch, and dinner all at the same time? Genius!

[DJ Cam-Wow] Joy is in the air! I'm DJ Cam-Wow,

not that ***** Steve Harvey, and it's Black Love Day!

Black Love Day?

[brakes screeching]

Motherfucker! The good girdle.

I just thought the stank face was because she had to do laundry.

Oh, poor Beverly. She probably on the couch

cryin' and miserable because I forgot Black Love Day!

What you doing, Reggie? What have you done, Reggie?

[upbeat music playing]

Oh, Reggie, they're perfect.

Reggie, I love it!

Oh, Reggie, this is just too much!

[Beverly] You've reached Beverly's voicemail.

Leave a message and be blessed.

Hey, Bev. Uh, you probably mad

'cause you think I forgot about Black Love today, huh?

Girl, I didn't forget. Just keepin' it spicy.

You know what? I did forget. But it's every four years.

- It sneaks up on you. - [phone beeps]

Goddammit, Reggie! You... are... fucking... up!

[DJ Cam-Wow] Fellas, it's DJ Cam-Wow.

Step it up, 'cause I'm dedicating love songs today,

but tomorrow it's "my man ain't shit" songs.

So try to be on the right side of history, y'all.

Unlike that voice-stealing motherfucker Steve Harvey.

Oh, hell no. My baby don't wait in no lines. Come on.

Uh, Quan, if you wanna be a famous serial killer,

you should know they only search for Emily's. Not ebonies.

Chill, little mama. You safe with me, I promise.

After you.

Yo, Quan. All right. What's up, G?

Man, what's good, Joe?

Oh, it's smelling good in here tonight, y'all.

I see you still working on the fryer.

I'mma come see you later.

What up, Jackie?

Hey, Quan. I'll get that table ready for you.

[romantic music playing]

[waitress] Your food is on its way.

You need anything, you let me know.

Is this a dream, or did we just walk in

and get a table on the busiest day of the year?

You hear about these stories,

but you don't think they're real until they happen to you.

Only the best for my slime on Black Love Day.

You know, I was never into this stupid Black Love holiday before.

Yo, me neither. Shit, I don't even look at calendars,

but ever since I saw you,

I was like, "Yo, I Black Love her ass."

I Black Love you too. This must be a dream.

[magical tone]

What's up with all this small talk?

What do you mean? I asked her favorite color.

Man, she gon' think you soft. You gotta get right to it.

Ask what color panties she got on

or is them areoh-la-las light brown or dark brown.

Dalvin, why are you so breast-obsessed? It's childish, man.

Bruh, I'm a baby. I can't get no more childish than that.

Titties literally keep me alive. Stop acting like you don't wanna see 'em.

I do.

Ha. I really do.

[sexy music playing]

[gasping]

They're perfect!

Too perfect. Junior, you being catfished, bruh.

Blackened catfished.

Say, nah! She's legit. I can tell.

Adetutu wouldn't do me like that.

Ade-what? Who? Bruh, she's a Nigerian scammer.

She got your Instagram compromised right now.

No. Her dad was a Nigerian diplomat

who fell on hard times.

She hasn't gotten a new email yet.

There's only one way to prove she legit. Invite her out here right now.

Fine! I will.

I'll ask her to pick me up from the coffee shop.

And tell her to bring them big-ass baby feeders

and a size three Pampers for a pimp.

[upbeat music playing]

Uh-uh. What you looking for in here? Ain't shit changed.

You still have no change. [laughing]

I gotta pick up some fares.

[hip hop music playing]

Hmm.

Drug dealer. Scammer.

Chet Hanks in a trench coat? Fuck it, gangbanger.

[tires screeching]

Where to?

Wherever my bitch wanna go.

For real, Quan? I'm your bitch?

- Grey? - Daddy?

Oh. Uh, what's up, sir?

I just wanna let you know I'mma take good care of Grey.

- She my number one draft. - Aw, Quan.

- [tires screeching] - "Draft?" Are you trying to die?

Grey, who is this ***** I'm about to kill?

Quan, my boyfriend. We're in Black Love, Daddy. Let him go!

Baby girl, you're too young for love. Don't fight me, boy.

Don't fight me. Boy, you trying to stop the only Evans

who got a shot at getting me into the lower-middle class?

- [Quan coughing] - Daddy, please stop! I can fix him.

Besides, all Black people deserve love today,

even Stacey Dash!

Shit. I think I broke him.

He can't breathe!

Good. It worked. Wait. You a little baller, huh?

[exhales deeply]

Hmm. 55, 60, 63. Huh.

I'll leave a little somethin'. That way, I didn't rob him.

Help me drag him out of my cab and put him next to that trash can.

- Dad! - Hurry, I don't got a lot of time!

I gotta get your mama a gift. Now, get out.

Damn! Beverly did that?

No, it's this. Beverly did this.

That is past tense.

And she past-tensely did that. Thank you very much.

Don't be mad at me 'cause I went to school.

Would y'all stop it?

Ooh. Look at the balloon.

Why you gotta act like you ain't never seen a balloon before?

Uh-ah bitch. Shut up.

Hey, all y'all shut up. Now, where is Bev?

You know, at some point,

you gotta accept who you married, and Reggie ain't... Shit!

Bitch, you look like money.

[upbeat music playing]

[woman] Damn.

First of all, that coat is stunning.

It's the brown-on-white fur for me. That's what I call a good faux.

[woman] And the shoes match perfectly.

You looking sharp, Bev.

Real nice. Reggie really raised the project bar this year, y'all.

Y'all check it out. Beverly's man hooked her up.

Mm-hmm. Your well-meaning but sorry men need to step up.

The voodoo doctor's late. You got played, bruh. Hang up the phone.

Maybe she got in an accident. Or, you know... or got lost.

Maybe she never existed. Give me your phone, man.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Somebody has to be the big brother around here.

Let me see!

No.

I hope you got spell check on this thing.

Well, look. There's my boys!

Hey, Dad.

Hey, boys. What's new in these streets?

The way you actin'.

Can't I just hang out with my sons?

[all laughing]

You ain't even that kind of father.

Shit don't sound right coming out of my mouth, do it?

Nah, it didn't.

Man, what's really up, old man?

I need to know what to get your mama for Black Love Day.

What do these chicks want these days?

Let Dalvin come home. She'll love that.

- Hell no! - Hell no!

What else?

I don't know, Dad.

I think all they really want on this day is to be treated like queens.

Queen, huh?

Yeah. Treat my mama like the trap queen she is.

Your mama ain't no trap queen! She's a real queen.

- Then why you don't act like it? - I do!

As a matter of fact, I'll show you my Bev is the best queen in Chicago.

[sighing] Another marriage saved.

Now, if you listen to a player, I can help you with your broad.

Now, legend has it there's a curse that protects

the Pharaoh and his Queen if disturbed.

But we don't worry. We keep the locust spray ready.

How much y'all pay for this fancy mummy stuff?

Put your lunch money away.

We didn't buy this.

They were excavated in Egypt and brought here.

- So you stole it. - No, it was all curated.

A fancy word for stole.

Mm-hmm. And moving along.

I'm just gonna curate my wife a gift.

[Reggie] Jackpot!

[Beverly] You've reached Beverly's voicemail.

Leave a message and be blessed.

Where the hell you been all day, Beverly?

You must really be upset with me because I forgot Black Love Day again.

And I know I told you if I did, you could sleep with your celebrity crush,

but I swear to God, if Idris Elba is there when I get home,

there's gonna be one less Negro with a British accent walking this Earth.

Hey, you! Get back here!

Baby, I know you didn't believe I'd make today special,

but I'm about to blow your mind tonight because I love you so...

[screaming, groaning]

Yeah. Y'all gon' learn to stop playing with Ralphie Dalphie.

I'm surgical with this bitch.

[tires screeching]

I'm not giving up on you, Bev! I might not have gotten you gifts,

but I'll love you more than Idris ever could!

- [car hooting] - [Reggie gasping]

- [upbeat music playing] - [Reggie grunting]

[Reggie grunts] Oh!

[screaming]

[Reggie gurgling]

[Reggie screams]

- [groaning, moaning] - [scooter honking]

And those were new tires too.

[upbeat music playing]

[woman] Ooh, she cute!

[people cheering, applauding]

[woman] Uh, the shit done ripped.

[cheering continues]

[woman] That's fancy girl.

[laughing] I hope y'all enjoying yourselves!

Ooh. Yeah, girl. I am!

Best Stuntin-Luncheon ever, Bev!

- I know that's right! - [woman] You did it!

Okay. So, tell us about how Reggie surprised you, girl.

Girl, he told me to close my eyes.

And I said, "I ain't doing that." But then I did.

Then I heard something unzip, and I said,

"Oh Reggie, I'm definitely not doing that. The kids might walk in." [laughs]

Then I opened my eyes,

and he was unzipping the garment bag to my fur coat.

That man loves you!

Uh-huh. He does.

[soft music playing]

I just wish my Reggie was here.

Let that man make his rent money in peace.

I know all that cost him a pretty penny, honey.

Yes, it did.

[people cheering, chattering]

That's the thing about Reggie.

My man knew exactly what to get me without me saying anything.

He knew what I needed.

That's how you know your relationship's for real.

When he can just look at you and know without you sayin' a word.

[woman] He got a cousin?

[Reggie] Beverly Evans!

[chuckling] Reggie! You made it.

Yeah, because I...

Who the hell bought you all this fancy shit?

I'll kill him. It was Idris, wasn't it?

[gasping]

[all gasping]

Not the coat!

- Reggie ain't shit. - Come on, now, Beverly.

- You don't have to lie. - Shouldn't have put money on him.

What are you doing?

Ha. Oh, uh... Jackie let me borrow her whip.

She didn't give you a key?

Nah. You already know I can't be fucking with them cabs.

Yeah, true.

[soft music playing]

[police siren wailing]

[Quan] Hold my gun.

- Why are you giving me this? - I got warrants.

If I get caught with a gun, I go to jail for a long time,

and I won't be able to see you.

- Now, you don't want that, right? - No.

That's real love. When your slime is willing to catch a case for you.

No. No. No. No. No. No.

I'm not holding your gun. I'm not going to catch anything for you,

and I'm certainly not going to jail for you.

Happy Black Love Day!

[police siren wailing]

Whew! That was close.

Let me out, Quan.

I said let me out!

Now why you mad? It would've been your first offense.

You wasn't gon' do real time.

Look, Quan. This isn't gonna work.

I do sit-ins, and you do shoot-outs.

I save lives, and you take lives.

I smell like shea butter. You smell like blunt papers.

Shit. I thought you was my ride or die.

It was a nice ride, but this is my stop.

I've never felt this way before.

Neither have I,

and I'll never forget that the first boy I loved... was a killer.

That you can't identify in a lineup, right?

I already forget what you look like.

Okay, look. Before you go, I got you something.

Don't open it until you get home.

[soft music playing]

[police siren wailing]

Is that better?

I'll be fine. Are you still mad?

No, I'm just embarrassed.

Especially after you forgot about Black Love Day again.

Baby, but I swear I tried to make it up to you.

Reggie, you don't have to lie.

I'm not! And I can prove it, baby.

Check the messages on your phone.

[voicemail] Your car's warranty will expire...

Stop calling me!

[Reggie] Hey, Bev. You probably mad 'cause you think I forgot

about Black Love today, huh?

Girl, I didn't forget. Just keepin' it spicy.

You know what? I did forget.

But it's every four years. It sneaks up on you!

[phone beeps]

Like getting your teeth cleaned. Shit, that reminds me...

[Reggie] I am blessed, Beverly. Blessed to have you, baby.

You deserve a better Black Love Day than I've ever given you.

And I promise I'll make it up to you because I love you.

You were trying to make today special!

I've got the ruptured spleen to prove it, baby.

Take that, bitches!

None of y'all men are sacrificing their organs.

Do he got a brother?

Happy Black Love Day, baby.

Happy Black Love Day.

[grunting, coughing]

[grunts]

Mm-mm-mmm.

They always make the best chicken on Black Love Day.

It's like they use extra love.

Nah, that's salt.

Hypertension feels like love to Black people.

[woman] Junior, is that you?

[upbeat music playing]

Adetutu! You found me!

Of course I did. I came here to tell you face-to-face.

I'm tired of idiots like you wasting my time.

Wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about?

"No nipple having?" "Suck my embassy?"

I thought you were different, Junior.

I am different. I promise you.

My parents say it all the time. So do the counselors at school.

[stammering] I... Look, I'm sorry. Let me make this up to you.

You're right about that. You are sorry. Goodbye, Junior.

[car door closes, engine revs]

[screaming] Adetutu!

[sighing] My bad, bro.

I just really thought you were being catfished.

I never thought a girl like that would be into you.

Neither did I.

Well, at least we got to spend the day together.

Can't lie. I would've rather seen some titties in real life.

What's that?

Something my ex gave me.

You got a date and a gift? How?

G-R-A-Y?

I almost took a charge for a dude that couldn't spell even my name?

He hit you with that first offense line, huh?

That motherfucker a classic for a reason.

You probably pregnant right now and don't even know it.

Hmm. Never again. He could kiss though.

He doesn't have a sister, does he?

Yeah, but she's not blind.

That's okay. I got mad filters.

[all laughing]

[Reggie] Dinner's ready.

Look at you, opening up the good stuff.

Mm-hmm. Because tonight is special, baby.

Aw, it sure is.

Let's get drunk so I can tell you what I did, and you won't be mad.

Oh, I can't be mad at my Bev.

Not even if I spent the rent money to buy that fur coat and stuff

to prove to everyone that you love me?

Ah, the rent money?

- Mm-hmm. - Damn it, Bev.

Well, here's some money to hold us over. And you can even keep the coat.

Oh, Reggie! But where did you get this money?

Just a little mad money.

Good thing too, 'cause I crashed my cab. And without a cab, I ain't got no money!

You don't have a cab?

[Beverly screaming] Oh, Dear Lord Jesus!

Heavenly Fatherly! Do you hear me?

Oh, Lord, I come to you humbly, Jesus!

We all make mistakes, and by we, I mean me, Jesus!

Do you hear me, Jesus? Jesus!

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