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00:00:06,011 --> 00:00:08,054
[narrator] Previously on Girls5eva:
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00:00:08,138 --> 00:00:10,682
-Do it, bitch.
-[tense music playing]
3
00:00:10,765 --> 00:00:13,055
-[grunts]
-[narrator] No. No. Uh, too far back.
4
00:00:14,769 --> 00:00:16,479
Maryland.
5
00:00:16,563 --> 00:00:18,356
[narrator] There you go. Good job.
6
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:21,151
[lilting music playing]
7
00:00:21,234 --> 00:00:22,652
Maryland.
8
00:00:23,153 --> 00:00:25,363
The site of my hardscrabble youth.
9
00:00:25,447 --> 00:00:28,033
-Are we staying with your parents?
-Oh, no, no, no.
10
00:00:28,116 --> 00:00:31,161
My mother's in a home now,
and my father's not in the picture.
11
00:00:31,244 --> 00:00:33,329
-Oh.
-Percy, film this!
12
00:00:33,330 --> 00:00:36,206
-No! You just have to focus on driving!
-Put your phone down!
13
00:00:36,207 --> 00:00:40,462
I don't know if any of you saw
Access Hollywood on September 24, 2005...
14
00:00:40,545 --> 00:00:43,256
-Wilmer Valderrama got his braces off.
-Well,
15
00:00:43,339 --> 00:00:47,218
when my fragrance, Thrust,
was purchased by Terminix,
16
00:00:47,302 --> 00:00:49,179
I bought my mother a house.
17
00:00:49,262 --> 00:00:51,848
Mama, I got you a house.
18
00:00:51,931 --> 00:00:56,019
Oh, honey, thank you, but I don't...
19
00:00:56,102 --> 00:00:59,230
? This is your day, Mama ?
20
00:01:00,065 --> 00:01:03,693
? And I don't want or need a "thank you" ?
21
00:01:03,777 --> 00:01:06,404
? This is about you ?
22
00:01:06,488 --> 00:01:09,824
Wow! That is so generous of you, Wickie.
23
00:01:09,908 --> 00:01:11,868
I only wish I could've done more.
24
00:01:11,951 --> 00:01:15,872
Like I said in the song "Daughter Hero"
from my album Yesternights...
25
00:01:15,955 --> 00:01:21,544
? Not all daughters wear ?
26
00:01:22,921 --> 00:01:24,464
? Capes ?
27
00:01:25,125 --> 00:01:27,091
Sorry.
28
00:01:27,092 --> 00:01:30,136
Okay. We do need a place to crash
and figure stuff out.
29
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:32,472
We have zero gigs till Radio City.
30
00:01:32,555 --> 00:01:33,807
We lost all our momentum.
31
00:01:33,890 --> 00:01:36,267
How the hell
are we gonna sell 6000 tickets?
32
00:01:36,351 --> 00:01:38,978
I think the only option
is figuring out a way
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00:01:38,979 --> 00:01:40,938
that we can buy ourselves
out of the contract.
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00:01:40,939 --> 00:01:43,817
-Mm-hm.
-No, we are not bailing on the show.
35
00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:44,984
Yeah, Gloria.
36
00:01:45,068 --> 00:01:46,236
What are you doing?
37
00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:47,445
Who's driving?!
38
00:01:47,446 --> 00:01:49,488
-My watch said to move.
-[dramatic music playing]
39
00:01:49,489 --> 00:01:50,615
[screaming]
40
00:01:50,616 --> 00:01:52,032
-[tires screech]
-[horn honks]
41
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["Famous 5eva" playing]
42
00:01:53,034 --> 00:01:57,914
? Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ?
43
00:01:57,997 --> 00:01:59,332
? It's too short ?
44
00:01:59,415 --> 00:02:05,547
? Gonna be famous 3-gether
'Cause that's one more than 2-gether ?
45
00:02:06,297 --> 00:02:12,303
? Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ?
46
00:02:12,387 --> 00:02:14,889
? So, what are you waiting five? ?
47
00:02:14,973 --> 00:02:19,269
? Girls5eva ?
48
00:02:22,188 --> 00:02:25,191
[lilting music playing]
49
00:02:28,695 --> 00:02:30,029
[Summer grunts]
50
00:02:30,030 --> 00:02:31,613
-Oh, my God.
-[Gloria groans]
51
00:02:31,614 --> 00:02:33,741
-[yawns]
-Ah, my tits are asleep.
52
00:02:33,825 --> 00:02:34,875
I'm so tired.
53
00:02:34,909 --> 00:02:37,537
Percy, film this. I feel tears coming on.
54
00:02:37,565 --> 00:02:42,249
Is there anything sadder
than an empty house?
55
00:02:42,250 --> 00:02:44,918
Getting catfished by an octopus
whose tank is next to a computer?
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00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:46,337
Rhetorical.
57
00:02:46,421 --> 00:02:47,839
Okay, you guys, look,
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00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,424
I know Wickie doesn't wanna hear it,
but Gloria's right.
59
00:02:50,425 --> 00:02:52,719
We should find a way
to buy out our contract.
60
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,720
I guess I could get in touch
with Lance Bass
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00:02:54,721 --> 00:02:56,890
and see if he'd let me
sell our old sex tape.
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00:02:56,973 --> 00:02:59,058
[young Gloria] Ooh. Try to find me.
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00:02:59,142 --> 00:03:03,354
I want your flat body and tan dangler.
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00:03:03,438 --> 00:03:04,488
[Lance] Nuh-uh.
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00:03:04,522 --> 00:03:05,648
You find me.
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00:03:05,732 --> 00:03:06,782
I'm hiding.
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00:03:06,816 --> 00:03:08,359
[young Gloria] This is so hot.
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00:03:08,443 --> 00:03:10,486
-Two hiders. Unh!
-[Lance] So hot.
69
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:13,948
Or I could maybe write
something commercial.
70
00:03:14,032 --> 00:03:15,491
Like a Christmas song?
71
00:03:15,575 --> 00:03:17,118
There's never been a bad one.
72
00:03:17,202 --> 00:03:19,704
Or one about Mrs. Claus.
73
00:03:19,787 --> 00:03:21,831
-Oh. Feminist.
-Yeah.
74
00:03:21,915 --> 00:03:25,543
? She's baking pies by candlelight ?
75
00:03:25,627 --> 00:03:28,713
? And Santa, he'll be gone all night ?
76
00:03:28,796 --> 00:03:32,383
? I know I'm just a tiny elf ?
77
00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:37,222
? But I can keep you warm all by myself ?
78
00:03:37,305 --> 00:03:41,601
? I can love you like he won't, baby ?
79
00:03:41,602 --> 00:03:42,643
What are you doing?
80
00:03:42,644 --> 00:03:45,187
-I don't know. I'm all hormones.
-Well, I'm already ahead of you
81
00:03:45,188 --> 00:03:47,606
because in the van I Googled,
"make money fast," "who am I?",
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00:03:47,607 --> 00:03:48,858
"needs validation,"
83
00:03:48,942 --> 00:03:52,111
and I found
this incredible business opportunity
84
00:03:52,195 --> 00:03:54,822
to be your own girlboss.
85
00:03:54,906 --> 00:03:57,533
I'm gonna be a "She-E-O."
86
00:03:57,617 --> 00:04:00,495
-Of what?
-Selling tooth-whitening gummies.
87
00:04:00,496 --> 00:04:02,955
-Summer, that sounds like a multi-level...
-Marketing scam?
88
00:04:02,956 --> 00:04:05,875
They said that you'd say that.
Impressive, right?
89
00:04:06,459 --> 00:04:08,259
[automated voice] Recipient found.
90
00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:11,214
Dropping in three, two...
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00:04:12,131 --> 00:04:14,133
[Summer] Oh, the gummies are here!
92
00:04:14,217 --> 00:04:15,969
How did you know the address?
93
00:04:16,052 --> 00:04:18,471
I didn't. The app tracks me.
94
00:04:18,554 --> 00:04:19,639
Oh, boy.
95
00:04:19,722 --> 00:04:21,224
This seems like a scam.
96
00:04:21,307 --> 00:04:23,393
Um, ha. No.
97
00:04:23,476 --> 00:04:26,104
Would a woman scam another woman?
98
00:04:27,021 --> 00:04:30,984
Mm! Stacy is all about female empowerment.
99
00:04:30,985 --> 00:04:31,984
[Gloria] Mm.
100
00:04:31,985 --> 00:04:33,318
[serene music playing on video]
101
00:04:33,319 --> 00:04:35,195
What's different about Tooth Smartz?
102
00:04:35,196 --> 00:04:38,950
Well, first of all, there's no founder
to have sex with. It's not like that.
103
00:04:39,033 --> 00:04:42,537
Ladies, we are building a confidence army.
104
00:04:42,538 --> 00:04:43,912
Because studies show that...
105
00:04:43,913 --> 00:04:48,042
-Who's the guy in the back?
-That Stacy's boyfriend, the Exalted Kyle.
106
00:04:48,126 --> 00:04:50,753
[whimsical music playing]
107
00:04:50,837 --> 00:04:52,217
[Dawn] You ever think about...
108
00:04:53,381 --> 00:04:54,882
selling the place?
109
00:04:54,966 --> 00:04:57,343
We could use the money.
Or, at the very least,
110
00:04:57,427 --> 00:05:00,763
my brother owns a company
that melts toilets for porcelain.
111
00:05:00,764 --> 00:05:04,057
I'd sell, but Mama still thinks
she's gonna come back here someday.
112
00:05:04,058 --> 00:05:05,108
[Summer & Gloria] Oh.
113
00:05:05,184 --> 00:05:06,234
Breaks my heart.
114
00:05:07,061 --> 00:05:09,480
What the dick? Mom?
115
00:05:10,315 --> 00:05:11,858
Language, Lesley.
116
00:05:11,941 --> 00:05:14,736
I thought I heard voices.
117
00:05:14,819 --> 00:05:17,655
Oh! Oh, my goodness!
118
00:05:17,739 --> 00:05:20,491
It's the Girls5eva.
119
00:05:20,575 --> 00:05:21,951
And their friend Percy.
120
00:05:22,035 --> 00:05:23,995
Mom, what are you doing here?
121
00:05:24,078 --> 00:05:27,165
Did you wander off, Mrs. Wiggens?
122
00:05:27,248 --> 00:05:29,751
-Do you know where you are?
-Please shut up, Dawn.
123
00:05:29,834 --> 00:05:32,879
Honestly, what have you been
telling people about me now?
124
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:33,920
We don't live here.
125
00:05:33,921 --> 00:05:36,840
We still live in the house
Lesley grew up in over in Clarksville.
126
00:05:36,841 --> 00:05:38,384
Clarksville?
127
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:42,680
That's the home of the champion
dressage horse Plantain Conchita.
128
00:05:42,764 --> 00:05:44,057
That place is noice.
129
00:05:44,058 --> 00:05:46,266
-Is that Lee-Lee?
-[gentle, lilting music playing]
130
00:05:46,267 --> 00:05:47,727
Oh, my God!
131
00:05:47,810 --> 00:05:49,062
Daddy!
132
00:05:49,771 --> 00:05:51,647
What are you two doing here?
133
00:05:51,731 --> 00:05:55,234
Oh, we come out every couple of weeks
to keep the place looking nice.
134
00:05:55,235 --> 00:05:57,486
We don't wanna hurt
folks' property values.
135
00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,321
[Carmen]
Honestly, we would love to sell it,
136
00:05:59,322 --> 00:06:02,632
-but it's a little close to the Army base!
-[helicopter roaring]
137
00:06:03,159 --> 00:06:06,162
You girls can't stay here
with all this noise!
138
00:06:06,245 --> 00:06:09,749
And this town
has competing serial killers.
139
00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:15,462
-[cheerful music playing]
-Make yourselves at home, girls.
140
00:06:15,463 --> 00:06:18,299
Yes. Now, Lesley,
you can be in your old bedroom.
141
00:06:18,383 --> 00:06:19,842
We haven't changed a thing.
142
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,595
Summer, do you not have a bag?
143
00:06:22,678 --> 00:06:24,680
Oh, no, I burned all my clothes.
144
00:06:24,764 --> 00:06:27,642
Well, I have some old suits
in the guest-room closet.
145
00:06:27,643 --> 00:06:28,642
I'm a lawyer.
146
00:06:28,643 --> 00:06:30,936
They may not suit your style,
but help yourself.
147
00:06:30,937 --> 00:06:35,608
Oh, no, that's perfect, because I'm about
to be a slutting-edge "She-E-O."
148
00:06:35,691 --> 00:06:37,068
Sure, why not?
149
00:06:37,777 --> 00:06:39,946
We are so happy for you girls.
150
00:06:39,947 --> 00:06:42,114
Lesley has been telling us
on the family Zooms
151
00:06:42,115 --> 00:06:46,119
all about Fort Worth
and about getting booked at Radio City.
152
00:06:47,036 --> 00:06:50,832
And I wanna hear more about this chef
that you're dating.
153
00:06:50,915 --> 00:06:52,208
-[Wickie] Oh.
-Ah...
154
00:06:52,291 --> 00:06:53,584
[Summer laughs]
155
00:06:55,211 --> 00:06:57,501
[whispers] What is going on?
Why did you lie?
156
00:06:57,505 --> 00:07:00,635
[whispers] Please. I let my parents know
what they need to know.
157
00:07:00,675 --> 00:07:01,926
-The good stuff.
-No.
158
00:07:02,844 --> 00:07:04,679
You lied to us, Wickie.
159
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,889
You said your mother was in a home
and your dad was out of the picture.
160
00:07:07,890 --> 00:07:10,100
-Well, is this not a home?
-[lilting music playing]
161
00:07:10,101 --> 00:07:13,187
And do you see my dad
in any of these pictures?
162
00:07:13,271 --> 00:07:15,940
No, because he's always
the one taking them.
163
00:07:16,023 --> 00:07:17,316
He's a shutterbug.
164
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:18,818
Find the lie, Dawn.
165
00:07:18,819 --> 00:07:22,487
You said that most years
there was no Christmas in your house.
166
00:07:22,488 --> 00:07:24,739
We usually spent Christmas
at our timeshare in Aruba.
167
00:07:24,740 --> 00:07:26,242
What about your siblings?
168
00:07:26,325 --> 00:07:29,370
The twins that were always
in and out of the hospital.
169
00:07:29,454 --> 00:07:32,999
Grace and Derek are both oncologists.
I could do this all day.
170
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,916
Your family lived in a van in high school.
171
00:07:34,917 --> 00:07:37,002
For ten days. It's the best way
to see New Zealand.
172
00:07:37,003 --> 00:07:39,129
You never knew
where your next meal was coming from.
173
00:07:39,130 --> 00:07:41,381
-We could never agree on takeout.
-Your dog got shot.
174
00:07:41,382 --> 00:07:43,884
-With vaccines.
-And your aunt who rode the white horse?
175
00:07:43,885 --> 00:07:45,844
Perhaps you've heard of Plantain Conchita?
176
00:07:45,845 --> 00:07:47,472
-[gasps]
-Whatever.
177
00:07:47,555 --> 00:07:50,057
All this talk
about your "hardscrabble life"
178
00:07:50,141 --> 00:07:51,191
is bullshit.
179
00:07:51,192 --> 00:07:52,142
Is it?
180
00:07:52,143 --> 00:07:54,228
My family is very good at Scrabble.
181
00:07:54,312 --> 00:07:55,730
It's hard. Look at the board!
182
00:07:55,813 --> 00:07:58,107
All those hooks and extensions?
183
00:07:58,191 --> 00:08:00,234
Hard Scrabble.
184
00:08:00,318 --> 00:08:02,320
I don't get who this is for.
185
00:08:02,403 --> 00:08:05,156
So you bought your mom a house
so you could, what?
186
00:08:05,239 --> 00:08:07,033
Look like a big shot on TV?
187
00:08:07,116 --> 00:08:08,534
It's showbiz 101, Dawn.
188
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:11,329
Access Hollywood doesn't do
a story about this.
189
00:08:11,412 --> 00:08:15,374
You think my childhood in Clarksville
is gonna inspire a biopic?
190
00:08:15,458 --> 00:08:16,792
Where's the drama?
191
00:08:16,876 --> 00:08:20,004
Me not wanting to wear my retainer,
but then wearing it?
192
00:08:20,087 --> 00:08:21,881
You're no Shania Twain.
193
00:08:21,964 --> 00:08:23,466
Look it up. She's a hero.
194
00:08:23,549 --> 00:08:26,552
All I did was create
a more intriguing narrative
195
00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:29,096
without technically lying.
196
00:08:29,180 --> 00:08:30,260
You're mom's a lawyer.
197
00:08:30,306 --> 00:08:33,726
-You said she dropped out.
-I never said of what. It's airplanes!
198
00:08:33,809 --> 00:08:35,811
[lively music playing]
199
00:08:35,895 --> 00:08:37,730
At the Air Force Academy.
200
00:08:38,648 --> 00:08:41,442
In Colorado Springs, Colorado.
201
00:08:42,944 --> 00:08:44,987
Careful, sweetie.
202
00:08:44,988 --> 00:08:45,987
So sorry.
203
00:08:45,988 --> 00:08:48,324
Yeah, it's not a toy.
204
00:08:48,407 --> 00:08:49,909
She's a Bristol sloop.
205
00:08:49,992 --> 00:08:53,746
The real thing is going to be
my retirement gift to myself.
206
00:08:53,829 --> 00:08:55,623
Oh, do you need any boat names?
207
00:08:55,706 --> 00:08:57,833
Pier Pressure. Fish Better Have My Money.
208
00:08:57,917 --> 00:08:59,001
Marlin Wayans.
209
00:08:59,085 --> 00:09:01,629
David Harbour. Drain "The Dock" Johnson.
210
00:09:01,712 --> 00:09:04,590
-Thank you, Gloria. Those are great.
-Billy Ocean.
211
00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:07,009
[whimsical music playing]
212
00:09:07,593 --> 00:09:08,719
I'm a girlboss.
213
00:09:08,803 --> 00:09:09,971
Buy. Sell.
214
00:09:09,972 --> 00:09:12,180
There's cake in the break room
for Sharon's birthday.
215
00:09:12,181 --> 00:09:15,517
You hear about Paul? Happened at his desk.
There was blood everywhere.
216
00:09:15,518 --> 00:09:17,311
Your teeth, they're gorgeous!
217
00:09:17,395 --> 00:09:18,980
[gasps] They are?
218
00:09:19,814 --> 00:09:23,859
I'm still confident it's a Ponzi scheme,
but that product works.
219
00:09:23,943 --> 00:09:26,153
I look Facetune'd.
220
00:09:26,237 --> 00:09:27,989
[cell phone chiming]
221
00:09:28,072 --> 00:09:29,156
Oh! [laughs]
222
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:33,494
See? This is the benefit of having
the Tooth Smartz app track me.
223
00:09:33,578 --> 00:09:37,498
Regional icebreakers
to help me close the "sheal."
224
00:09:37,499 --> 00:09:40,041
Is "sheal" the female version of "deal"?
That doesn't work.
225
00:09:40,042 --> 00:09:45,965
"Boy, Maryland's recreational-crabbing
license fees sure are high this year."
226
00:09:46,048 --> 00:09:47,425
You got that right.
227
00:09:47,426 --> 00:09:51,094
Oh! Should the Wiggenses be my first sale?
They've got money.
228
00:09:51,095 --> 00:09:53,681
No, do not bother our hosts
with that crap.
229
00:09:53,764 --> 00:09:55,808
You're being a suppressive entity.
230
00:09:55,891 --> 00:09:57,393
My sales literature says
231
00:09:57,476 --> 00:10:01,314
that I need to cut people like you
out of my life permanently.
232
00:10:02,857 --> 00:10:03,983
Bye.
233
00:10:04,066 --> 00:10:06,527
[whimsical music playing]
234
00:10:06,611 --> 00:10:09,322
-[laughing]
-So we're in midair
235
00:10:09,405 --> 00:10:11,657
on a flight to Scottsdale,
236
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:15,703
when little Lesley
spots Tommy Mottola in first class.
237
00:10:15,786 --> 00:10:17,286
[Carmen] The record producer.
238
00:10:17,330 --> 00:10:21,125
So she tells the flight attendant
she desperately wants pilot wings.
239
00:10:21,208 --> 00:10:23,502
She gets into the cockpit,
240
00:10:23,586 --> 00:10:25,504
locks the pilot out.
241
00:10:25,588 --> 00:10:27,381
? Finally, it's happening to me ?
242
00:10:27,382 --> 00:10:28,798
[man] Young lady, open the door!
243
00:10:28,799 --> 00:10:30,301
? Right in front of my face ?
244
00:10:30,302 --> 00:10:31,301
Right now!
245
00:10:31,302 --> 00:10:33,137
? My feelings cannot hide it ?
246
00:10:33,220 --> 00:10:36,015
[in unison]
And it wasn't even Tommy Mottola!
247
00:10:37,183 --> 00:10:39,435
It's a good thing I married a lawyer.
248
00:10:39,518 --> 00:10:43,105
God love her,
but Lesley used to take some big swings.
249
00:10:43,189 --> 00:10:44,815
Oh, she still does.
250
00:10:44,899 --> 00:10:48,736
So you guys always would come in
and bail her out?
251
00:10:48,819 --> 00:10:51,405
Well, she's our daughter.
252
00:10:51,989 --> 00:10:56,077
Remember the time she got ahold
of one of my credit cards
253
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:59,413
and bought all of those billboards on 95?
254
00:10:59,497 --> 00:11:02,041
[lilting music playing]
255
00:11:03,626 --> 00:11:04,960
[Carmen & Dana laughing]
256
00:11:05,044 --> 00:11:08,214
We had to buy out
the whole three-year contract.
257
00:11:08,215 --> 00:11:09,339
[Dawn] Oh, my God.
258
00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:11,008
[laughing]
259
00:11:16,972 --> 00:11:18,057
Laugh it up.
260
00:11:18,140 --> 00:11:21,352
Wickie's just a real Sebastian Maniscalco.
261
00:11:21,435 --> 00:11:24,146
Oh, come on, honey. We're just having fun.
262
00:11:24,147 --> 00:11:26,898
-You know we always support you.
-Maybe that's the problem.
263
00:11:26,899 --> 00:11:27,899
What is?
264
00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:30,945
All of this wonderful support.
265
00:11:30,946 --> 00:11:35,490
-Do you know how diamonds are formed?
-I know that pearls are oysters' babies.
266
00:11:35,491 --> 00:11:38,035
Pressure. Not this.
267
00:11:38,119 --> 00:11:41,997
This is how you make nobodies
like Derek and Grace.
268
00:11:41,998 --> 00:11:44,165
Your brother and sister
have done very well.
269
00:11:44,166 --> 00:11:45,125
They're both doctors.
270
00:11:45,126 --> 00:11:47,335
Do you know how many doctors there are
in this country?
271
00:11:47,336 --> 00:11:48,776
Name one you've ever heard of.
272
00:11:48,777 --> 00:11:49,713
Your brother.
273
00:11:49,714 --> 00:11:51,549
[gasps] Ooh! Also your sister.
274
00:11:51,632 --> 00:11:54,402
-Dr. Bev, host of Critter Mouth.
-[Percy] Love that show.
275
00:11:54,427 --> 00:11:57,722
Really, I don't understand
what you're saying we did wrong.
276
00:11:57,805 --> 00:12:00,391
You coddled me.
277
00:12:00,474 --> 00:12:03,227
Why couldn't you be
one of those sick pageant parents
278
00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:06,105
that live your shattered dreams
through me?
279
00:12:06,689 --> 00:12:10,234
No, you're the kind of parents
that just let you up and quit tap?
280
00:12:10,317 --> 00:12:11,569
Now look!
281
00:12:15,322 --> 00:12:16,866
[Wickie grunting]
282
00:12:20,327 --> 00:12:22,788
Oh! Oh!
283
00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:25,291
-That's pretty good.
-Exactly.
284
00:12:25,374 --> 00:12:27,251
Pretty good. [spits]
285
00:12:27,334 --> 00:12:32,214
Little Lesley never stood a chance
being raised by you two.
286
00:12:32,215 --> 00:12:33,715
-Who's Lesley?
-I don't know. Shh.
287
00:12:33,716 --> 00:12:36,719
That's why I'm still a lump of coal
trapped in a van
288
00:12:36,802 --> 00:12:40,639
with some dentist, two moms,
and whatever Percy is.
289
00:12:40,723 --> 00:12:42,183
Well, the medical term...
290
00:12:42,266 --> 00:12:46,145
[groans] I wish I'd never been born
upper middle class!
291
00:12:46,228 --> 00:12:49,231
-[lilting music playing]
-[Wickie sobbing]
292
00:12:50,065 --> 00:12:53,819
-[screams] This is so beautiful!
-[music fades]
293
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,696
[door opens, then slams]
294
00:12:57,656 --> 00:12:59,200
Mr. and Mrs. Wiggens,
295
00:12:59,950 --> 00:13:02,661
is now a good time to hear about
296
00:13:02,745 --> 00:13:06,165
a revolutionary
new teeth-blanching system?
297
00:13:07,708 --> 00:13:10,795
There's been a car accident.
Can I use your phone?
298
00:13:10,796 --> 00:13:13,505
Wait, I'm sorry.
I'm already in the house. Hold on.
299
00:13:13,506 --> 00:13:15,633
I just have to skip forward a little bit.
300
00:13:16,592 --> 00:13:18,177
But don't take my word for it.
301
00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:22,223
Take it from somebody
whose opinion is totally objective.
302
00:13:22,306 --> 00:13:24,517
Uh, the Exalted Kyle.
303
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:28,312
Okay, and now I'm just gonna do
a little AirPlay thing. Okay.
304
00:13:28,896 --> 00:13:31,398
-Do you know which input I need to use?
-Oh, uh...
305
00:13:31,482 --> 00:13:33,275
Now, hang on.
306
00:13:33,359 --> 00:13:36,612
Grace, uh, set all this up.
I could call her.
307
00:13:36,695 --> 00:13:38,572
Do you need this password?
308
00:13:38,656 --> 00:13:41,158
Oh, okay, look, there it is.
And we got it.
309
00:13:41,242 --> 00:13:43,619
What's up, bitches? It's your girl-blob.
310
00:13:43,702 --> 00:13:47,081
Oh! Oops. No. That's the wrong video.
This is just me practicing.
311
00:13:47,164 --> 00:13:51,919
-Ignore this. Ignore this part.
-Tooth gummies. You dumb cunt.
312
00:13:52,002 --> 00:13:55,506
-Why won't it stop playing?
-Why can't you do anything right?
313
00:13:55,589 --> 00:13:58,133
[yells] Don't update now! Okay.
314
00:13:58,217 --> 00:14:00,886
What are you?
You're sleeping pills, I guess. Huh?
315
00:14:00,970 --> 00:14:02,054
Oh!
316
00:14:07,518 --> 00:14:08,769
Oh, my God, I...
317
00:14:10,145 --> 00:14:11,480
I'm so sorry.
318
00:14:12,147 --> 00:14:13,607
Just forget it.
319
00:14:13,691 --> 00:14:14,984
No.
320
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:17,903
No, that was good, Summer.
321
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:21,699
-Yeah, we'll take the whole box.
-[lilting music playing]
322
00:14:22,283 --> 00:14:23,450
Really?
323
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:27,183
You wanna join my sales army
of confident bitches, Mr. Wiggens?
324
00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:29,498
I'd love to.
325
00:14:29,582 --> 00:14:32,167
[laughs] Thank you so much.
326
00:14:35,915 --> 00:14:37,881
[knocking on door]
327
00:14:37,882 --> 00:14:39,174
Don't even think about it.
328
00:14:40,968 --> 00:14:42,595
I brought you a plate.
329
00:14:44,513 --> 00:14:45,563
Thank you.
330
00:14:47,766 --> 00:14:48,816
This is empty.
331
00:14:48,851 --> 00:14:50,936
I ate it all on the way up. Sorry.
332
00:14:52,396 --> 00:14:54,398
Can you believe this coddle-ment?
333
00:14:54,399 --> 00:14:56,691
They kept my bedroom
exactly the way I left it,
334
00:14:56,692 --> 00:14:58,444
including my Lego EGOT.
335
00:15:00,446 --> 00:15:03,824
Hey, so, what's the most amount of money
336
00:15:03,825 --> 00:15:06,075
your parents have ever spent
to bail you out of a jam?
337
00:15:06,076 --> 00:15:08,120
You macaroni rascal.
338
00:15:08,203 --> 00:15:11,373
I am not asking my parents
to bail us out of Radio City.
339
00:15:11,457 --> 00:15:14,627
I know $570,000 is a big ask...
340
00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:15,760
No!
341
00:15:16,712 --> 00:15:19,048
My mother is winding down her practice.
342
00:15:19,131 --> 00:15:21,842
My father is retiring
and buying a sailboat.
343
00:15:21,843 --> 00:15:23,092
[dramatic music playing]
344
00:15:23,093 --> 00:15:24,345
When I was living in L.A.,
345
00:15:24,428 --> 00:15:27,431
I took a job doing background work
on The Goldbergs,
346
00:15:27,514 --> 00:15:29,975
rather than go crying to Mommy and Daddy.
347
00:15:30,809 --> 00:15:34,271
Ever walk through
a Jeff Garlin fart cloud, Dawn?
348
00:15:34,355 --> 00:15:37,066
Well, I would walk through
a billion Garlin farts
349
00:15:37,149 --> 00:15:39,318
before I ask them for money again.
350
00:15:39,401 --> 00:15:40,778
[music fades]
351
00:15:40,861 --> 00:15:43,113
No. I am not letting you off the hook.
352
00:15:43,197 --> 00:15:44,823
But that was so compelling.
353
00:15:44,907 --> 00:15:48,619
Wickie, I love that you take big swings,
354
00:15:48,702 --> 00:15:51,163
but we're screwed and I'm scared.
355
00:15:51,789 --> 00:15:55,918
Do you have a better idea?
I don't wanna have this baby in prison.
356
00:15:56,001 --> 00:15:59,171
Bane was born in prison
and he's friends with Batman.
357
00:15:59,254 --> 00:16:01,131
-Look, I did the math...
-Nerd.
358
00:16:01,215 --> 00:16:02,925
You just made the Bane reference.
359
00:16:02,926 --> 00:16:06,135
Well, I'm pretty sure I got it wrong,
and I think it's spelled with an "I."
360
00:16:06,136 --> 00:16:07,186
Wickie.
361
00:16:07,221 --> 00:16:10,641
-Do you know how much our tickets cost?
-Sixty bucks.
362
00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:14,103
That's before Ticketmaster adds
a service fee, a processing fee,
363
00:16:14,186 --> 00:16:16,438
facilities fee, fee transparency fee.
364
00:16:16,522 --> 00:16:19,066
Entrance fee, exit fee, surcharge fee.
365
00:16:19,149 --> 00:16:23,028
Our tickets actually cost over $500 each.
366
00:16:23,112 --> 00:16:24,530
Fuck.
367
00:16:24,613 --> 00:16:27,950
Even if it wasn't Thanksgiving,
that would be impossible.
368
00:16:28,033 --> 00:16:29,868
-So to quote you...
-Listening.
369
00:16:31,954 --> 00:16:35,124
Please, join me in the real world.
370
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,043
-[sighs]
-[pensive music playing]
371
00:16:38,127 --> 00:16:43,924
-[lilting music playing]
-Oh, honey, that is some hard Scrabble.
372
00:16:44,008 --> 00:16:45,509
Well done.
373
00:16:45,592 --> 00:16:47,052
-Thank you, dear.
-[laughs]
374
00:16:47,678 --> 00:16:49,638
Mommy? Daddy?
375
00:16:51,015 --> 00:16:52,474
Can we talk?
376
00:16:54,643 --> 00:16:57,271
-Lesley, what's wrong?
-Lesley, what's wrong?
377
00:17:01,066 --> 00:17:02,317
-Mm-mm!
-[Gloria] Oh.
378
00:17:02,318 --> 00:17:04,318
-How great are the Wiggenses?
-Mm-hm!
379
00:17:04,319 --> 00:17:06,154
Doesn't it feel
like a weight has been lifted?
380
00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:07,155
-Mm-hm.
-Hey.
381
00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:09,408
I've never seen your mouth closed, ever.
382
00:17:09,491 --> 00:17:11,744
What's going on? Why are you being weird?
383
00:17:11,827 --> 00:17:14,117
-Open it. Come here.
-[pensive music playing]
384
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:15,289
Come here!
385
00:17:16,248 --> 00:17:17,875
-Open it.
-Mm-mm.
386
00:17:17,876 --> 00:17:20,460
You think a dentist doesn't know
how to open a mouth?
387
00:17:20,461 --> 00:17:21,670
-Titty twister.
-Ow!
388
00:17:21,754 --> 00:17:23,756
[dramatic music playing]
389
00:17:23,839 --> 00:17:25,924
What kind of God would allow this?
390
00:17:26,884 --> 00:17:28,969
[lilting music playing]
391
00:17:30,012 --> 00:17:31,062
Hey.
392
00:17:31,063 --> 00:17:32,513
Good news.
393
00:17:32,514 --> 00:17:33,891
I made some calls,
394
00:17:33,892 --> 00:17:36,559
and the Brown Note in Harrisburg
would love to have us.
395
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,771
Two hundred seats before midnight.
396
00:17:40,355 --> 00:17:44,777
They asked what we want on our rider.
I panicked and yelled "clock radios!"
397
00:17:46,987 --> 00:17:49,114
[poignant music playing]
398
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:50,248
Hey.
399
00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:53,535
I know asking your parents was hard.
400
00:17:53,619 --> 00:17:57,706
My mom has to take a lucrative case
defending Jeffrey Epstein's ghost.
401
00:17:57,790 --> 00:17:58,916
And this morning,
402
00:17:58,999 --> 00:18:03,504
my dad called his boat guy and said
the eight words every man dreads:
403
00:18:03,587 --> 00:18:07,007
"Sorry, Boat Guy.
I'm not getting the boat."
404
00:18:07,883 --> 00:18:10,511
Oh. We will pay them back.
405
00:18:10,594 --> 00:18:11,644
Eventually.
406
00:18:12,262 --> 00:18:15,766
Look, we're gonna hit it big,
just not before Thanksgiving.
407
00:18:15,849 --> 00:18:18,102
Come on, come on! Let's hit the road.
408
00:18:18,185 --> 00:18:20,020
-I'm staying.
-What?
409
00:18:20,896 --> 00:18:24,024
You know why my parents
never changed this room?
410
00:18:24,108 --> 00:18:26,485
Because I keep coming back.
411
00:18:26,568 --> 00:18:29,154
After Yesternights failed.
412
00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,281
After my Hallmark Christmas movie,
413
00:18:31,365 --> 00:18:34,284
Mrs. Claus and Hunky the Elf:
Portrait of Erotica,
414
00:18:34,368 --> 00:18:35,828
was denounced by the pope.
415
00:18:35,829 --> 00:18:37,912
Maybe that's where I got the idea
for that song.
416
00:18:37,913 --> 00:18:42,042
I'm not special enough
to overcome this non-tragic backstory.
417
00:18:43,919 --> 00:18:45,754
My parents aren't the problem.
418
00:18:46,421 --> 00:18:47,471
I am.
419
00:18:48,215 --> 00:18:50,217
[scoffs] Wickie, come on.
420
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:51,350
Who's Wickie?
421
00:18:52,719 --> 00:18:53,769
I'm just...
422
00:18:55,180 --> 00:18:57,307
Lesley Jenny Wiggens.
423
00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:00,477
Thousands of people can sing like I can.
424
00:19:00,561 --> 00:19:04,398
I'm the same pretty
as, like, hundreds of people.
425
00:19:04,481 --> 00:19:06,733
Dozens. Like, ten people.
426
00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:08,902
So maybe I'll go into...
427
00:19:10,988 --> 00:19:12,038
realty.
428
00:19:12,865 --> 00:19:14,783
My face on a bench.
429
00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:16,577
Teens graffitiing it.
430
00:19:16,660 --> 00:19:19,580
And I'll go, "They did it again, Mike."
431
00:19:19,663 --> 00:19:20,747
Who's Mike?
432
00:19:20,831 --> 00:19:22,666
The contract guy at the office.
433
00:19:22,749 --> 00:19:24,418
And, yes, we fuck sometimes.
434
00:19:25,419 --> 00:19:27,296
This is my life now, Dawn.
435
00:19:28,589 --> 00:19:29,965
And I deserve it.
436
00:19:30,966 --> 00:19:34,011
So to quote you quoting me:
437
00:19:34,094 --> 00:19:38,265
"Please, join me in the real world,"
while I'm finally in it.
438
00:19:40,851 --> 00:19:43,228
I'm as forgettable as a doctor.
439
00:19:45,689 --> 00:19:47,691
[Wickie sobbing]
440
00:19:47,774 --> 00:19:49,776
[music fades]
441
00:19:54,990 --> 00:19:56,700
[hopeful music playing]
442
00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,411
Mr. and Mrs. Wiggens.
443
00:20:00,746 --> 00:20:02,206
Can we talk?
444
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,878
-Dawn, what's wrong?
-Dawn, what's wrong?
445
00:20:07,879 --> 00:20:10,087
-Good Lord!
-[line dialing on cell phone]
446
00:20:10,088 --> 00:20:11,340
Oh, it's the gummies.
447
00:20:11,423 --> 00:20:12,758
They're too effective.
448
00:20:12,759 --> 00:20:14,967
I can't see any red.
It's just white all the way down.
449
00:20:14,968 --> 00:20:17,887
[automated voice] You have reached
the Tooth Smartz customer service line.
450
00:20:17,888 --> 00:20:19,181
Representative!
451
00:20:19,264 --> 00:20:22,351
I think you said,
"Have sex with the Exalted Kyle."
452
00:20:22,434 --> 00:20:25,062
-If this is correct, press one.
-[grunting]
453
00:20:27,439 --> 00:20:30,234
I just wanted to find my thang.
454
00:20:30,317 --> 00:20:34,029
Instead, I turned my whole mouth white.
455
00:20:34,112 --> 00:20:36,365
And possibly everything down to your anus.
456
00:20:36,448 --> 00:20:37,498
[whimpers]
457
00:20:39,326 --> 00:20:40,702
Gloria, I'm useless.
458
00:20:40,786 --> 00:20:42,079
-No.
-Yeah.
459
00:20:42,162 --> 00:20:45,791
-I may as well be food on The Bachelor.
-Hey. Don't say that.
460
00:20:45,792 --> 00:20:47,667
-You made a sale.
-[whimsical music playing]
461
00:20:47,668 --> 00:20:50,545
You're the only one of us
that's actually making money.
462
00:20:52,339 --> 00:20:54,132
I guess that's true.
463
00:20:54,216 --> 00:20:55,467
Thanks.
464
00:20:55,550 --> 00:20:56,600
[Gloria] Oh, God.
465
00:20:56,601 --> 00:20:59,428
Are you not wearing underwear?
466
00:20:59,429 --> 00:21:01,390
I burned all my clothes.
467
00:21:01,455 --> 00:21:05,351
-[lively music playing]
-Okay, young lady.
468
00:21:05,352 --> 00:21:07,312
Up and at 'em. We're kicking you out.
469
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,022
-No.
-[grunting]
470
00:21:10,190 --> 00:21:12,150
Your mother and I need this room.
471
00:21:12,234 --> 00:21:14,403
We're turning it into a... Uh...
472
00:21:14,404 --> 00:21:15,403
Sex pit!
473
00:21:15,404 --> 00:21:16,780
Sex pit. Yes.
474
00:21:16,863 --> 00:21:18,991
But I'm your little Lee-Lee.
475
00:21:19,074 --> 00:21:22,160
So? We're not coddling you anymore.
476
00:21:22,244 --> 00:21:25,414
Get out, you... jerk.
477
00:21:25,497 --> 00:21:28,417
Oh, my God. You're doing it.
You're being mean.
478
00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:30,836
Dawn told us you're quitting the group.
479
00:21:30,919 --> 00:21:32,838
Well, I'm not letting you.
480
00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:35,340
I'm a pageant daddy.
481
00:21:35,424 --> 00:21:39,553
So tuck it extra tight
and serve me eleganza.
482
00:21:39,554 --> 00:21:41,887
What kind of pageant
are you looking up, sir?
483
00:21:41,888 --> 00:21:44,641
I certainly hope
this doesn't spur you to greatness.
484
00:21:44,725 --> 00:21:47,352
Some people might say
you're already great.
485
00:21:47,436 --> 00:21:50,939
Not us, though. Or your Aunt Bev,
who saves all your clippings.
486
00:21:51,023 --> 00:21:52,073
As a joke.
487
00:21:52,107 --> 00:21:53,734
'Cause you're a joke.
488
00:21:53,817 --> 00:21:57,696
Get a fork, Carmen,
because you're gonna eat your words!
489
00:21:57,779 --> 00:22:00,824
I don't need either of you or your monies.
490
00:22:00,825 --> 00:22:04,368
Oh, no. Your parents and I agreed
that the bedroom is plenty a motivator.
491
00:22:04,369 --> 00:22:05,871
Wrong as always, Dawn.
492
00:22:05,954 --> 00:22:09,333
I'd rather die than take another cent
from either of them.
493
00:22:11,251 --> 00:22:13,545
[Dana] Wait, so should I call my boat guy
494
00:22:13,628 --> 00:22:17,341
and say the six magical words
that every boat guy wants to hear?
495
00:22:17,424 --> 00:22:19,676
"I'm getting the boat after all"?
496
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,804
Wait, don't be hasty.
Remember, the money we need...
497
00:22:22,888 --> 00:22:24,264
Nope, no half-measures.
498
00:22:24,348 --> 00:22:27,559
We're buying the boat
and naming it David Harbour.
499
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:28,559
It's clever.
500
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,853
Damn it. That is fun.
501
00:22:29,936 --> 00:22:31,688
The next time you see me,
502
00:22:31,772 --> 00:22:35,067
I'll be presenting at the Grammys!
503
00:22:35,650 --> 00:22:38,987
How have I accomplished anything
with you holding me back?
504
00:22:38,988 --> 00:22:41,906
Don't come back
until you've made something of yourself.
505
00:22:41,907 --> 00:22:45,217
-[Carmen] Except for your father's 70th.
-Yes. We'll see you there.
506
00:22:45,869 --> 00:22:47,162
You'll regret this.
507
00:22:48,205 --> 00:22:51,155
[whispers] Love you. I'll call you
when I get to Harrisburg.
508
00:22:51,166 --> 00:22:52,216
[yells]
509
00:22:52,292 --> 00:22:54,086
Dawn, what is going on?
510
00:22:54,169 --> 00:22:57,422
Wickie was sad,
so I guess Radio City's back on?
511
00:22:57,506 --> 00:22:59,174
It's what? Damn it, Dawn.
512
00:22:59,257 --> 00:23:00,842
-Jesus, your mouth.
-Oh!
513
00:23:00,926 --> 00:23:03,095
[automated voice] Dropping in three, two...
514
00:23:03,178 --> 00:23:04,471
[Summer yells]
515
00:23:04,554 --> 00:23:07,432
No! I forgot to unsubscribe.
516
00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:09,893
-That says, "um, subscribe."
-No.
517
00:23:10,852 --> 00:23:14,523
Ladies! Well, let's go!
Rise and grind, bitches!
518
00:23:14,524 --> 00:23:15,856
-Percy, honk!
-[horn honks]
519
00:23:15,857 --> 00:23:17,817
Trust me,
this is better than a depressed Wickie.
520
00:23:17,818 --> 00:23:20,528
She said she saw some fun blouses
in the window at Chico's.
521
00:23:20,529 --> 00:23:22,614
-Oh, not Chico's.
-Radio City it is.
522
00:23:22,697 --> 00:23:24,825
[Gloria] Thank you, Mom and Dad. Love you.
523
00:23:24,908 --> 00:23:26,034
[cell phone buzzes]
524
00:23:26,868 --> 00:23:29,621
What now? I don't care about anything.
525
00:23:29,704 --> 00:23:32,582
-Boat Guy, I have six words for you.
-[van engine starts]
526
00:23:32,666 --> 00:23:34,876
[Boat Guy whooping]
527
00:23:34,877 --> 00:23:36,836
[Wickie]
Here we go. Nothing is off the table.
528
00:23:36,837 --> 00:23:39,506
Dictator birthdays,
festivals without toilets,
529
00:23:39,589 --> 00:23:41,883
halftimes at fucking soccer games.
530
00:23:41,967 --> 00:23:43,176
Drive faster, Percy!
531
00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:44,386
[Percy] I will not.
532
00:23:44,387 --> 00:23:45,553
["Daughter Hero" playing]
533
00:23:45,554 --> 00:23:47,264
? You carried me for nine months ?
534
00:23:47,347 --> 00:23:50,016
? Now let me carry you ?
535
00:23:50,851 --> 00:23:53,812
? You had big hopes, big dreams ?
536
00:23:53,895 --> 00:23:56,940
? But luck never shined on you ?
537
00:23:57,482 --> 00:24:00,402
? Spit out by the world ?
538
00:24:00,485 --> 00:24:03,905
? Like gum stuck to a shoe ?
539
00:24:03,989 --> 00:24:07,617
? A forgettable life
No meaning, no pride ?
540
00:24:07,701 --> 00:24:12,622
? You were a diary with nothing inside ?
541
00:24:13,623 --> 00:24:16,168
? But that all changed, thanks to ?
542
00:24:16,918 --> 00:24:20,380
? Daughter hero ?
543
00:24:20,464 --> 00:24:23,425
? Born with a heart
That's a little bigger ?
544
00:24:23,508 --> 00:24:26,887
? Daughter hero ?
545
00:24:26,970 --> 00:24:30,640
? Like if Jesus had a sister ?
546
00:24:30,724 --> 00:24:34,269
? A million bad decisions
Life doesn't feel real ?
547
00:24:34,352 --> 00:24:37,439
? But don't cry, Mama
Let daughter take the wheel ?
548
00:24:37,522 --> 00:24:40,859
? 'Cause you gave me life
Now I'm saving yours ?
549
00:24:40,942 --> 00:24:47,699
? No need to thank me
I'll only do more ?
550
00:24:48,533 --> 00:24:52,078
? Daughter hero ?
551
00:24:52,162 --> 00:24:55,415
? Born with a heart
That's a little bigger ?
552
00:24:55,499 --> 00:25:01,671
? 'Cause not all daughters wear ?
553
00:25:01,755 --> 00:25:05,967
? Capes ?
554
00:25:06,051 --> 00:25:08,053
[song fades]
555
00:25:08,103 --> 00:25:12,653
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