Original subtitles

[ominous music playing]

[computer beeping]

[judge] Cheryl Mason, you are hereby demoted.

[Cheryl] I used to work in an elite

delinquent acquisition task force.

[judge] For the rogue use of unsanctioned technology...

[Cheryl] But after being betrayed, I was demoted.

You're crazy!

[Mr. Schneider] I am not crazy!

[judge] Leading to the disappearance

of asset Amelia Earhart.

[Andy] Are you still on that case

with those two teen girls?

[Cheryl] Sent to the Juvenile Department to rot...

to rot, to rot, to rot, to rot...

[laughing] Oh, really?

Okay, well, not if I see you first.

[woman laughing]

I'm gonna hold you to that, Nancy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hey, office buddy.

Oh, it's Simon from Delinquent Processing's 170th birthday.

There's cake. Gluten-free!

You know, Cher bear...

it wouldn't kill you to make some friends

with people at the office.

Other than me, of course.

I didn't get to where I am today by making friends.

I mean...

yeah!

Yeah.

[computer chimes]

[computer] Anomaly detected.

[Andy] Are you sure you wouldn't like me

to take over that case for you?

We could do a swapsies.

I really don't mind.

[slurps]

[smacks lips]

[school bell rings]

[Mr. Schneider] Why am I not surprised to hear

that you've caused yet another anomaly?

Because it's our signature move?

[laughs] Like...

Do you have any idea how many Schneiders

have been turned into sea cucumbers now?

Forty-three.

Not to mention the ones who've been injured thanks to you.

Just look at Pig Latin Schneider.

[groans]

I'm ine-fay, I'm ine-fay.

The rules of his universe were simple: speak pig Latin.

We didn't have any problems with the pig Latin.

It was the dark undercurrent of misogyny that we bumped on.

I mean, seriously, in what world does speaking pig Latin

and hunting women for sport go together?

[all] This one!

[Bard Schneider] We cannot go on like this.

Knowing you has become a plague on our houses.

- [all chattering] - Oh, come on.

That's our thing.

You tell us to blend in, we say yes,

and then don't for very legitimate reasons,

havoc ensues, you fix the portal,

and then you know what in the end,

we're all better for it.

Yeah, it's the basis of our friendship.

Let's get one thing straight. You are not our friends.

You are our burden.

Unless you think we like having our lives ruined

by two inconsiderate, ignorant, insubordinate teenagers.

This is why we Schneiders feel

it might be best for everyone if we just turn you in.

- Turn us in? - Oh, oh, really? Okay.

You all feel that way?

[chatter of agreement]

Thanks to your interference

in that weird oranges world,

Cheryl already knows of our involvement.

But if we comply with MOM,

they might be more lenient with us.

- I'm gonna say something. - Go ahead. Yeah, say it.

When we first met you,

we thought you were kind of a butthead.

But as we got to know you we were like,

"Hmm, maybe there's more to him."

And it turns out our intuition was right as usual.

Yup. You're just a big butthead.

A big [bleeping] butthead.

[all gasp]

That's the smartest thing

I've ever heard you say.

- Eryl-Chay. I... I... - [Cheryl] Save it.

So this is how you figured it out, Stephen.

Found a way to communicate with your other selves

across the multiverse.

I don't think that's ever been done before.

It actually hasn't, so, ank-thay ou-yay.

[Cheryl] It wasn't a compliment.

This was the final piece of evidence I needed

to solidify my case against you.

And once I finally rid the multiverse

of Davey and Jonesie's chaos,

I can convince MOM de-syncing you wasn't enough.

Anything for a promotion, right, Cheryl?

[intense music playing]

Okay, seriously, what is the backstory between you two?

Nothing but ancient history.

No.

Ah!

E-way aught-cay an oman-way!

[laughs]

I don't like Mark in this universe.

Ere-sthay oo-tay ore-may!

Um...

Et-gay em-thay! Et-gay em-thay!

[grunts]

Stephen!

Stephen!

- Is it working? - How am I supposed to know?

I'm smashing all the buttons!

- [Mark] Ere-thay! - Come on. Come on!

Omen-way otted-spay.

[Jonesie] Oh! Oh, okay!

After you, madame.

[Jonesie] Thank you.

Huh?

[both scream]

[both gasping]

Do you think it's a problem went through with this thing?

Yeah, probably, but I'm sure this world's Schneider

will be happy to tell us why.

Can you believe those guys?

No, like, I knew he was low-key the worst,

but I didn't think he was actually, like...

- [Davey] Like, the worst? - Yeah.

How are we ever supposed to trust him now?

I don't know, But I'll tell you something.

I'd be happy if I never saw another Schneider again.

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

[both] No.

♪ The Hurdy Gurdy Man ♪

♪ Came singing songs of love ♪

Happy Schneider Day, friends!

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy Hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy Hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪

- We're in hell. - [sheep bleating]

Do you hear sheep? I hear sheep.

Is that Davey and Jonesie 6689?

Welcome to my paradise.

What universe are we in? Also, why is that you?

Oh, you don't need to lower your voice here.

I don't hide anything from my friends.

Aren't you worried you're gonna cause--

An anomaly? No.

We don't worry about such trivial things here.

Walk with me and all will be revealed...

by me.

As in, I will tell you.

Yeah, that made sense, right?

♪ Histories of ages past ♪

When I was de-synced, a version of me was sent to this world.

What's up, Ulrich?

But it was very simple, it was basic, it was agrarian,

it was riddled with plague, basically medieval.

A medieval school, but in the modern city.

- I wouldn't overthink it. - Okay.

[Mr. Schneider] So I tried to blend in.

I didn't want to cause an anomaly,

even though there wasn't really any science here to speak of.

The only classes were butter churning, sheep shearing,

and witch spottings.

Very superstitious people. What's up, Prudence?

Get it, girl!

One day I was on a call with other Schneiders.

And you know what that looks like.

A hologram, right?

So another teacher walks in, sees me doing this, freaks out.

She thinks I'm doing black magic.

And I might have said that I was a god.

[angelic chanting]

- A god? - I didn't say "God."

I said "man from the sky,"

and they just kind of went with it,

so they've been worshiping me adoringly ever since.

But, you know, I've rewarded them handsomely

with things like modern medicine,

and electricity, and indoor plumbing.

- Ah, ah, O'Sullivan. - [Jonesie] Oh, my God.

Remember we talked about the fundamentals of hygiene?

- Come on. - [Davey] Okay.

- There we go. Attaboy, kiddo. - [Davey] That's disgusting.

I'm okay.

So it's just like, how are you not getting caught?

Do you know what I mean? Shouldn't MOM be all over you

Yeah, isn't this like Anomaly City?

If Anomaly City was a medieval town.

In a school.

Very astute, girls.

It's a great grasp of multiversal law.

See, before the teacher who spotted me could tell anyone,

I built a signal jammer,

which takes us off MOM's radar completely.

We're totally undetectable here.

In fact, the only reason that you were even able

to get here was because of that.

Going through a portal with a portal device

must have caused an energy burst so powerful

that it temporarily rejuvenated

my previously decommissioned pathway and... listen to me!

I must sound so boring right now.

You know science, right? A bit of a snooze.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Okay, so, no offense,

but how are you this, like, nice and cool?

Because in every other universe, you've been...

Like an arrogant, self-centered misanthrope

who wouldn't know a good time for a bit him on the ass?

- Yes. - Took the words in my mouth.

That's a bummer, but I gotta say,

I'm not surprised, you know,

because I have listened in on some of these Schneider calls,

and only a very sad man wouldn't be totally enamored

with the hilarious hijinks you two have been up to.

Right? Finally, someone said it other than me a million times.

Duh! [laughs]

Listen, why don't you spend the day as my personal guests?

I have been dying to hang with the infamous Davey and Jonesie

of 6689.

Let's kick it, shall we?

Okay, I know we say this a lot, but are we dead?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, actually, we're busy.

Not! Like, yes! Let's kick it!

- [laughs] - [Jonesie] And he loves it.

- Check this out. - [both] Okay.

I want to make a candle.

Yes!

Oh, no.

- [Davey] Oh, my God! - [laughing] Oh, no!

[excited chatter]

I did it, I did it. That is so funny!

[all cheering]

[both laughing]

- I think it's ready. - It's done? Okay.

Oh, butter!

- Mm! - Mm!

Oh, la crema.

[all laughing]

[Davey] I could do this forever.

[Jonesie] I know. I'm not even getting dizzy.

- To us. - [both] To us.

- [glasses clink] - Hear hear!

Oh, wow.

- Please help yourselves. - You spoil us.

Bite into it, huh?

[all] Mm!

And I said, "No, that's penicillin."

[all laugh]

Yeah, is this thing on?

[laughing]

[Mr. Schneider] That's excellent work, Sierra.

Oh, thank you, oh great one!

[laughs]

[Mr. Schneider] All right.

Oh! I have not had that much fun with a friend since my MOM days.

You know, the people here are cool and all, absolutely.

Don't get me wrong.

But they don't have your sense of humor.

Or your grasp of toilets.

I know. I have to admit, today was actually really fun.

Yeah, man, like, you're cool.

None of the other Schneiders want to hang with us.

- They wanted to turn us in. - What?

- [Davey] Yeah! - Bunch of [bleeping] buttheads!

- That's exactly what I said! - Thank you!

And, yeah, there are some undeniable cult-like vibes here.

But, you know, everyone seems to be genuinely happy.

Even Sierra, our... our table.

[Mr. Schneider] Oh, they are. They are.

And you will be too once you settle in.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Wait. What?

Oh, did I forget to mention?

You get to stay in my paradise forever!

Yay!

Anyways, come on. Come on.

[Davey] Not that we're not overjoyed to be stuck here,

but why?

Well, I can't have you running off

and blabbing to the other Schneiders about me.

You see, I'm not just hidden from MOM here.

I'm hidden from me. I'm a drag, man.

You know? Stuck in the past.

Embittered. Alone.

Whereas here, I've been able to get past all that.

And I have a healthy state of mind.

- I have healthy friendships. - Okay, and by friendships,

do mean people who never question you

because you convinced them that you're a straight-up god?

Tomato? Yes.

I mean, you said it yourselves. The other Schneiders--

Hey, are the absolute pits,

and I have no interest in regressing

by resyncing with them because I--

How you doing?

Am a new and beautiful Schneider.

I'm relaxed, I'm enlightened, and I'm 100% well-adjusted.

Absolutely.

- But-- - Ooh, don't like that word.

- But-- - Oh, there it is again.

- Yeah, but it's just that-- - Enough!

You're never leaving, so don't ask again, okay?

Geez, I thought we're friends, guys.

Friends don't leave, question, or disagree with friends.

Right, Prudence?

That's my girl.

Right! Right on.

Yes...

- Oh! Absolutely. - Oh, I just...

And you've convinced us.

[both] We love it here!

What? This place is awesome and I don't ever want to leave.

And I want to stay here and eat all those carrots,

um, which is why we are actually gonna take a quick private sec

to say goodbye to our old, gross, awful lives

that we don't want to live anymore.

And then we're gonna come right back

and we're gonna do a whole lot of this stuff.

All right. Do you. But hurry back.

I got more righteous hangs planned.

[Jonesie] Oh, can't wait.

So we may have overestimated

- how cool this Schneider is. - Oh, big-time.

But who knew that treating an ego-driven genius

like an unquestioned deity would actually make him much worse?

And I heard it. Yup, I heard it.

[Davey] If the other Schneiders knew that we were trapped here,

then they'd have to come help us, right?

Yes, and they would get us home so they can use the portal

for their own selfish reasons,

but that's assuming they don't turn us in first.

I can't believe I actually miss them right now.

How are we gonna manipulate this Schneider

into turning on his hologram thing?

[all] All hail Schneider.

All hail Schneider. All hail Schneider.

Asked and answered.

This one's gonna hurt.

[all laughing]

If the other Schneiders could see us right now,

they would be so jealous, right?

[laughs]

Totally! This world rules!

And so do you!

You have like the best aura

of all the Schneiders I've ever met.

And I think that it's because you're so, uh...

- Enlightened? - Oh, yes!

Took the word right out of my mouth.

[excited chatter]

[all cheering]

Too bad the other Schneiders can't see what you've built.

Oh, they could learn a lot

from how disturbingly well-adjusted you are.

You know what? You make a good point.

To the lab.

[keys rattle]

[sighs]

It's a bit of a dump.

Yeah.

All right.

That must be the jammer device

that stops this world from being detected.

Oh, let's see here.

What do we have? A holopen? Oh, here's one.

- Hmm. - Let's see if it works.

- Ah, here we go. - You two!

[Bard Schneider] We can call off the search.

Davey and Jonesie are in universe... 9999?

Sheep Boy Schneider.

[all snicker]

We haven't heard from you in many a fortnight.

No, I've really missed your delightful nickname for me,

but I've actually had much bigger fish to fry,

like pulling a civilization out of the dark ages.

- Might want to try it sometime. - Hmm. Good one.

Okay, so what's the story here, sheep boy?

Need help sending Davey and Jonesie to their next universe?

Oh, no. They would much rather stay here with me.

Wouldn't you, girls?

- Yup. - Yes.

Oh, my God, yes.

Know why? Because you're damaged goods.

You are totally washed up.

You're unable to embrace the "now."

Whereas I have completely transcended all of that.

And I'm 100% well-adjusted. Right, girls?

- Yep. - Yep.

They've taught me a couple things.

The most important being

that I am the superior Schneider.

You'll never be on my level, guys.

It's hardly a tragedy, babe.

And why instead of letting you re-sync,

I'm gonna build a new device

and purge the multiverse of your inferiority

by killing you all and becoming the one true Schneider.

- Uh... - [gasps]

- Fie. - [growls]

- Wait, what? - Don't be modest, girls.

It was basically your idea. Anyway, later, losers.

Okay.

All right, so, what should we do now?

Shear some sheep?

I know it's playing into the nickname a little bit,

but it's actually kind of fun.

How can you just kill

all the other versions of yourself?

Oh, easily.

They might be selfish, and rude, and weird,

and not that friendly, and bad at communicating...

- Find the point. - Okay, but they're you.

And you can't just do murder!

Of course I can.

I mean, how do you think I stopped that teacher

from telling everyone about me before I could build the jammer?

- You're crazy! - I am not crazy!

I am not crazy.

I'm starting to think maybe you two are the ones

who need enlightening.

Keep them out of my lab.

I'm gonna be very busy in here.

And I don't mean to be vague.

I'm gonna be busy building the Schneider-killing device.

- Yes. Obviously! - Yes, that was what we thought.

Okay. Sometimes it's--

In case you didn't know...

Good. Take them away.

No one calls me crazy.

Oh! Hey there, office buddy.

Oh, no luck again, hey?

What happened?

[shrieks]

I was temporarily detained.

[Andy] Your screen was going cuckoo while you were gone,

so those girls must have caused quite a stir somewhere.

[suspenseful music playing]

[computer beeping]

[Cheryl] Where were the anomalies?

Did you write down the universe?

No, sorry.

You were just so adamant that you didn't want any help

that I didn't want overstep.

- [sighs] - Why is that, by the way?

I feel like there's some very specific backstory

you never want to talk about.

[sighs] The girl's got baggage.

Once you finish stuffing the straw effigies,

you can start carving the stone effigies.

if there's one thing we need more of,

it's effigies of our benevolent leader for Schneider Day.

[eerie music playing]

Is every day Schneider Day?

Yes. Yeah.

That checks out.

I can't believe that we're stuck with a Schneider

so much worse than all the others.

I know, at least the other Schneiders

had the decency to suck up front.

I mean, they did have their good moments.

[funky music playing]

[inaudible]

[screams]

Aw!

[cackling]

God, I love those sloppy little guys.

We have to save our Schneiders.

But how are we going to take out this Schneider

to save the other Schneiders?

We just need the one person

that hates Schneider

more than he hates himself-slash-she hates us.

You're saying we intentionally cause an anomaly

to bring Cheryl here to save the Schneiders.

That is a reckless twist on our classic formula,

and I love it.

Okay, we just need a diversion big enough

to keep Schneider out of the lab

so that we can turn off the jammer.

- [shrieking] - [mouse squeaking]

A rat bit me.

[gasps]

You know what that means.

A tetanus shot?

He needs to be sacrificed.

Tough. But fair.

Schneider was right.

They're extremely superstitious here.

Which might work to our advantage.

- Witch hunt? - Let's go.

- [mechanism whirrs] - [Mr. Schneider chuckles]

Nailed it.

You're welcome, multiverse.

[Jonesie] In here! In his secret sorcery lab!

- [all, chanting] Kill the witch! - Schneider's a witch!

He tricked us with his sky magic!

[screams]

[panting]

All right, you think this little stunt is gonna dethrone me

and save the Schneiders, you got another thing coming.

My people, I'm no witch.

I gave you clean water. Yeah? Yeah?

Took away your dysentery. Remember that?

[confused chatter]

He took our dysentery!

- Get him! - [all shout]

Sheep! Oh, look...

[all] Kill the witch! Kill the witch!

Kill the witch! Kill the witch!

[Davey] Yeah, kill the witch.

Whew!

Once again, I'm not proud of us for exploiting

the inherently sexist prejudice against witches.

Same. But in this case...

[both laugh]

Okay, so we're really gonna do this.

Risk getting caught by Cheryl.

Spend the rest of our lives worshiping Schneider--

[electricity crackles, powers down]

That felt so obvious.

- I just felt all the anxieties. - I was like, whoo!

And yeah, and I'm gonna do that.

- Okay, so did it work? - Um...

Wait, wait, wait! This Schneider made himself a god,

and he's going to kill all the other Schneiders.

- You're lying. - We're not! He's crazy!

You're crazy!

I am not crazy!

[door opens and closed]

Seriously, what is their backstory?

I don't even want to start to-- Just find the pen.

- I don't know. I don't know. - Okay. I'm like, what if...

- Did they go to camp together? - Okay, uh, no, no, no.

Found one! Yes, yes, yes! I got it, I got it!

- [laughs] Oh! - You two!

- Aw! - Classic Schneider. "You two."

Just when I think you've hit the peak of chaos,

you managed to ascend to Olympus itself,

getting all of us murdered, I mean, really--

Yeah, and I'm over it again. [laughs]

Okay, hey, shut up, shut up.

We actually saved you from yourself, so you're welcome.

Really? How?

Oh, we got all of his worshipers to go against him.

And then we sicced Cheryl on him.

Wait. Cheryl's there now?

You have to go immediately. It was hard.

And we all had to work together, which was also hard,

but we managed to boot up the portal for you remotely.

You did? All of you?

But I thought you were gonna turn us in

because after all, you're not our friend, right?

About that, uh...

I'm sorry for what I said earlier.

We were never really going to turn you in.

I spoke a bit harshly, so, kind of my thing.

Aw, supervillain Schneider.

You knew that you always loved us.

I absolutely did not say that.

Okay.

The point is, thank you.

Okay, well, what are you waiting for?

The okay from your agents? Go to the locker. Go.

- Copy that. See you later. - Later.

[mob, chanting] Kill the witch! Kill the witch!

Kill the witch!

[beeping]

Finally.

- [Cheryl] Nope. - [gun cocks]

Cheryl. Cheryl.

I guess Davey and Jonesie turned off my jammer.

You know, I'm starting to see why the other Schneiders

are so annoyed with them.

They really are agents of chaos.

So, what's this?

You're bringing me in for a few lousy anomalies?

You're mad I'm gonna kill the Schneiders? [scoffs]

I mean, I thought you of all people

would be into that.

Unless you...

Cheryl, can we just talk--

[sighs]

[panicked screaming]

There is no god!

[shrieks]

[upbeat music playing]

[screams]

So, lost them again, huh?

You just can't catch a break.

Oh, well, I hate to add to the load,

but this just came for you from upstairs.

I guess the brass want to discuss your job performance

and overall lack of results?

[electronic pop music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[laughter]

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