Original subtitles

[electronic music playing]

[Emile] Are we ready?

It'’s showtime.

[electricity crackling]

[school bell rings]

Sometimes, I wish we got to pick.

Okay. Bait taken. What would you pick?

Something I'’m good at.

Like Dramatic Monologue World,

or Shrimp-Eating World.

Yeah, I would not argue with Shrimp-Eating World.

Or a world based on what is objectively

the greatest-written TV show of all time...

Glimmerdale.

The high school drama series with so many plot twists

it feels like the writing staff stopped drinking water.

Other than you, it'’s the love of my life.

- Well, thank you. - What would you pick?

Mm, I don'’t know.

Maybe, like, some kind of dark anime world.

Ooh, or something with mech suits.

Yeah. Or, what about this?

It'’s like, it'’s like a hard sci-fi world

where we finally learn that our entire existence

is actually just like,

a simulated reality created by some post-human society,

like centuries into the future.

But I would settle for anime mech suits.

- Cool. And specific. - Thank you.

[school bell rings]

[cheerleader] Whoo!

[hip-hop music playing]

- [can hisses open] - [all laugh]

[all cheering]

[no audio]

Letterman jackets.

Cheerleader'’s cheerleading for no reason.

Hot background students visibly in their mid 20'’s.

My bish got her wish.

We'’re in Glimmerdale!

♪ One, two, three, four, five When I wake up ♪

♪ Something burning deep inside Can we make it now? ♪

♪ Can we make it now? ♪

- Abbott. - Hey, girl.

Hi.

Oh, my God!

All the blood is rushing to my butt!

Okay, mazels on that, but is this at all weird to you

that you got exactly what you were hoping for

after one random conversation about it?

I can'’t think about that, okay?

This is the greatest thing that'’s ever happened!

Okay, first we'’re gonna go to the girls'’ locker room

because the cheerleaders are probably having a séance.

And then we can go into the boys'’ locker room

and we dramatically split up a Pingle-Pongle ring,

or whatever designer drug that they'’ve invented this season.

And then I'’m gonna kiss someone with tongue,

- and it'’s gonna be-- - Breathe. Please.

- Okay? Okay? Yes. - I'’m seeing stars.

No, I understand. Very exciting.

But I just want you to think about

that we'’ve been to some worlds

that seemed like they were gonna be really great,

- and then turned out to be-- - Yes, you'’re right.

D.J. World. A mega mix nightmare.

- Yes. - Totally. Completely.

Okay, we'’re gonna go find Schneider,

and we'’re gonna confirm that my dreams are coming true,

and then we'’re gonna strap in.

- Attagirl. - Did you see Abbott?

- Yes, I saw Abbott. - I'’m gonna pass out.

♪ This is what We came here for ♪

♪ I'’m coming out '’cause The girls and boys want more ♪

[crackling]

Hey, Schneider.

It'’s us.

Okay, so what'’s the deal with this world,

and why are you actually prepping for class

and not freaking out and working on the portal?

Thanks for your questions. Please have a seat.

Just triple-checking here.

We are in Glimmerdale world, right?

Correct. Please have a seat.

Yes! I knew it!

[Jonesie] No issues blending in here, I guess.

I cannot believe how chill this Schneider is

about us being here.

Yeah, well, I think he'’s just doing it for the other kids.

Plus, we'’re not gonna cause an anomaly in this world.

You are talking to the Glimmerdale fan club president

not really, actually, but maybe that'’s...

I would love to see your business card.

Okay, let'’s get started on chapter three,

a review of the anatomy of the seahorse.

Number one, the pectoral fin.

Okay, so we got to find out what our storyline is,

and then we blend in.

Easy peasy.

What up, girls? The Schroödinger High Clawmen

keep getting crushed by the Sludge High Seahorses.

So you two better have ideas

on how to prank them into the ground.

Okay, that was, um, oddly phrased.

Area two, the snout and eye zone of the seahorse.

Figured you'’d be prime for the job

ever since you pranked the principal

into revealing she was a ghost last year.

- So good. - Right. That storyline.

I mean, very real event that happened.

Thank you. We will get right on that.

A prank episode?

Gosh, I was kind of hoping for something

like sexy supernatural storyline.

Are prank storylines even a thing?

Of course, the eye is the most vulnerable part of the seahorse.

But watch out for the eye spine.

[Abbott] Psst!

[Mr. Schneider] Area three,

the keel, or soft underbelly of the seahorse,

can be penetrated by a blade or sharp object...

[mouthing]

Yup.

Things are looking up.

And by things, I mean my...

And by thing--

I thought you were gonna interrupt me?

No, I wanted to hear where the double entendre was going.

Oh, it wasn'’t gonna be good. It was gonna be kind of gross.

- Oh. - Yeah.

[school bell rings]

Wait.

We have to talk to Schneider.

Right.

- What was I thinking? - Um, something gross?

- Yeah, it was really gross. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

[Jonesie] Where'’d he go?

How did he leave so fast?

He'’s probably just on his way to faculty fight club,

or having an affair with a mob boss mom or something.

Instead of working on the portal?

Yeah. I mean, we all have to play our parts

in order to blend in.

Like, right now,

Abbott wants to confess to me some deep, dark secret.

[hissing]

Oh, yeah.

He is a tortured loose-rules vampire, for sure.

Okay.

Gotta go deal with this.

Wouldn'’t want to cause an anomaly, hey?

Okay. See you.

Hey, could you just hold up?

If you'’re gonna do that, then what am I supposed to do?

Great Q.

There is that prank thing that Sierra and Emile--

[dramatic music playing]

Davey, who'’s that?

Oh!

And that right there is your storyline

straight out of season one.

A serial killer plaguing the town

until one teen journalist brings him to justice.

So I'’m supposed to take down a serial killer

while you make out with the hot-maybe-vampire

in the stairwell?

You can'’t argue with the logic

of a show with no logic.

Okay, good luck, kiddo.

You'’ll be great.

Oh, Abbott?

I want to suck your face!

[Principal Neighbors, over PA] Attention, students.

Principal Neighbors here.

If anyone has any ideas

of how to really prank the Sludge High Seahorses

at the big game,

please come see me in my office.

[dramatic music playing]

♪ Take me under ♪

[sighs]

♪ Love me until I'’m ♪

♪ Finished ♪

Oh, Davey.

I didn'’t see you there.

I'’ve got a problem

that only you can help me with.

Okay. Yeah.

Let me guess.

You'’re one way by day, and by night another.

Constantly at war with your one true nature.

Always trying to hide the beast within.

Abbott, you don'’t have to hide anymore.

I know that you'’re...

a vampire.

Yes!

I thought you were gonna say it with me.

- You figured it out. - [shushes]

Your secret'’s safe with me, okay?

You can be yourself with me.

[seductive music playing]

Just a lone teen looking for an on-campus serial killer.

Because that'’s whose responsibility that should be.

Hey. Hey.

Hey!

Hey, stop!

Stop in the name of teen journalism!

God, this show is so dumb.

Okay, Glimmerdale'’s usually more funny dumb, not creepy dumb.

[all slurp]

And that'’s a no from me.

It'’s just so hard.

- Being a vampire. - [sighs] I know.

Especially with this big game coming up.

Right. Right.

Hey, wouldn'’t you rather talk about how only my love

can save you from your incurable bloodthirst?

Shh!

There'’ll be plenty of time for that.

But first...

[whispers] ...any prank ideas?

Hmm?

Please, Davey,

you'’re the only one who can save me

from the Sludge High Seahorses.

Abbott.

Abbott, Abbott, Abbott. [laughs]

You are one tough nut to crack.

But it'’s a good thing that I'’m the right nutcracker

to crack that...

[Jonesie] Dude, we have to talk.

Hi, Abbott.

Sup?

[Davey] Okay, so, uh, updates?

Abbott is a vampire, and we nearly bonked lips twice.

That'’s great, but I'’m just not too sure

that this is Glimmerdale.

How could it not be?

Everything that'’s happened

is out of a classic episode.

[Principal Neighbors] Remember, students,

the only way to defeat the Sludge High Seahorses

is with some of your best tactical prank ideas.

Get those into me, the principal, ASAP.

Do you-- Do you see? Like-Like-Like that.

I don'’t remember Glimmerdale putting this much emphasis

on seahorses.

And you know what? I'’m very confused,

because I don'’t even understand.

What do they want us to do?

They want us to prank them or beat them at football?

- Davey, it'’s very unclear. - Well, you'’re picking at plots.

You'’ve got a smart person brain.

But Glimmerdale needs you dumb, baby.

Okay?

It'’s a show where all the plots are holes.

Yes, that is... that is true.

But nothing seems fishy to you?

As in a disproportionate amount

of literally fish-related content?

The pectoral fin of the seahorse...

[Davey] That'’s not even that weird for the show.

It'’s a bravely sexy mess

with selective logic and sloppy world-building,

and that'’s why it deserves an Emmy.

Okay, Davey I say this with love,

but is it possible that you are pulling a Davey

and refusing to see anything other than what you want to see?

Move.

Moi? Pulling a Davey?

- [whistle blows] - When have I ever done that?

When you insisted your parents were throwing you a party

when it was not your birthday,

and they were very clearly taking you to the orthodontist

- to get your retainer tightened? - Well, that'’s not my fault.

- They got me a party hat. - You gave you a party hat.

Okay, well, Schneider says that it'’s Glimmerdale so... boom.

Okay, where is he,

and why hasn'’t he come to find us about the portal?

Come on, Clawmen, don'’t quit now!

Defeat Sludge High and tell us how!

Just...

No, do that over here.

Please.

Okay, I think you'’re wrong.

Jonesie! Talking in the hallway.

That'’s an automatic detention!

What, since when?

- Davey! - Principal Neighbors!

Davey, help!

- Where are you going, Davey? - With Jonesie.

No! You have to come with me.

[sighs] Why?

Not here. I'’ll tell you about it

in the secret speakeasy malt shop

hidden in the basement.

[sighs]

Soda Pete'’s Basement Malt House.

But I really should...

The password to get in is just a saucy dance.

That is so dumb.

[girl giggling]

[electric crackling]

[snaps fingers]

Oh, Schneider!

Thank God that detention is with you.

So, like, is this actually a Glimmerdale world or--?

Thank you for your question. Please have a seat.

Well...

You'’re not gonna cause an anomaly.

There'’s nobody else in here.

Thank you for your question.

Please have a seat.

[intense music playing]

What the hell was that?

Okay, I don'’t know what is going on,

but I'’m starting to think that--

Thank you for your question.

Please write 100 lines

about how to defeat the Sludge High Seahorses.

- Goodbye. - No...

No, no, no, no!

- [keys jiggle, lock clicks] - Come on!

Hey! Hey!

[gasps]

TGI vents.

♪ What you see? ♪

♪ Don'’t you ever Take your eyes off me ♪

♪ Tell me what you see ♪

♪ Don'’t you ever Take your eyes off me ♪

[song plays on jukebox]

[Davey] This place is awesome.

The '’50s jukebox.

The unspoken implication that teens and an adult biker gang

should all hang out together in the same place.

Whoa, guys, this has been awesome,

but I really should be getting going.

- Ow! - You can'’t leave.

Not until you'’ve helped us with our problem.

[giggles]

Okay, let me guess.

Um, haunted board game.

Cheerleader coven.

Evil nun cult that is brainwashing all the adults.

Kind of. Uh...

We want to know what you would do

to help decimate the Sludge High Seahorses at the big game.

This again?

Why is it so important to defeat them?

Because they'’re...

- Working for my grandmother... - Controlled by the evil warden!

- ...who is also a witch. - Teen zombies.

That literally all checks out.

Well, good thing you came to me.

Okay, come close.

Let'’s assume that the Seahorses

are gonna use Abbott'’s vampire powers

to open up a hell mouth under the field.

Then, while half of us infiltrate the coven

by pretending to be under its curse,

the other half of us will find out

which one of the teachers is actually secretly working

for the FBI.

So we'’ll get the impression that Emile has been eaten

by the demon swim coach.

But don'’t worry, he'’s with Interpol.

So then everyone will transfer their powers to me

so then I can stop the football mafia

before their neutron bomb destroys the school.

[cackles]

So? What do you think?

Just tell us how to build a big laser!

[all laugh]

Good one, Davey.

Maybe a burger and a malt

will help you come up with better ideas.

The pectoral fin of the seahorse.

Yeah, that'’s gonna be a no from me.

[energetic music playing]

[gasps]

Vents?

- Vents. - Come back, girl.

We want to know your plan for the big game.

We hate football! Leave us alone!

Whoa, whoa!

You don'’t belong here.

[school bell rings]

...part of the seahorse,

but watch out for the eye spine.

Sometimes I wish we got to pick.

...some post-human society, like centuries into the future.

Into the future.

[Davey] Wait, isn'’t this where we started?

- [can hissing open] - [all laugh]

[excited shouting]

Okay, what is going on?

Hey!

Seahorses rule!

What are you...?

[industrial music playing]

[laughs]

Hey! Hey! You know what?

We are not actually from this world, okay?

We'’re traveling through the multiverse trying to get home.

We do not belong here. This isn'’t-- This isn'’t real.

These aren'’t real.

Okay, not to bust this weird roll you'’re on,

but aren'’t you a little scared of Cheryl?

No Cheryl, because I did not just cause an anomaly,

because we are not actually in Glimmerdale world.

We are in a simulation.

Oh.

- [rumbling] - [gasps]

[gasps and screams]

[chuckles]

Davey and Jonesie.

You figured out my master plan.

What?

Jonesie!

You literally called this was a simulation!

Holy smokes, I am, like,

out-of-this-world impressed right now.

You'’re a freaking genius.

No, I'’m not even gonna lie.

Like, this is probably the most ecstatic

I'’ve ever been in my entire life!

- [laughing] Whoa! - [Davey] Whoo!

Um, excuse me!

- [Jonesie] Sorry. - Yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, there'’s just a lot going on here, you know?

Uh, okay, who are you? We'’ll start there.

I am the one you call...

Emile.

- Emile? - Emile?

Call me Lobster Emile.

[Davey] Lobster Emile?

Make that General Lobster Emile!

General Lobster Emile?

Can you just tell us what'’s going on, please?

Lobsters and seahorses

have been locked in a bitter war for decades, where--

Wait! Weren'’t were we in Lobster World

like 90 worlds ago?

You don'’t belong here.

- I'’m actually good with this. - Yeah. This rules.

Yeah, but that was only for, like, a second

because Lobster Schneider, he had his tech together,

let me tell you that.

Right, right, right. Okay.

So now we'’re... back?

Is that a thing? Can we do that?

Oh, my God! Silence!

Can I please continue?

Yeah, sorry.

For years, we have suffered

at the hands of the cruel seahorses.

With their superior technology and reproductive rate,

we were hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned.

But then, one fateful day,

I saw you infiltrate our universe

using advanced portal technology.

Such tactical prowess could only mean one thing.

That you were from an advanced scientific dimension

capable of designing weapons

that would finally allow us to turn the tide of battle.

I spent years trying to find a way to bring you back.

Sorry, did you say, "years?"

Lobsters lives much longer than humans,

so time moves faster here.

Does that make sense?

No.

Just go with it. Anyway...

we built an interdimensional hook

that could drag you back to our world through your portal.

We knew you were unlikely to give up your technology

without a fight.

Our only option was to scan your brains by force.

But there was no trace of your portal schematics.

Tactical stratagems. Weapons. Nothing.

It was almost like your minds were empty.

Which could only mean one thing:

that you had encrypted your brains

to protect your classified memories

against rudimentary mind-hacking.

Leaving us with only one option:

To design an advanced simulation

to lull you into a false sense of security

and trick you into revealing your secrets that way.

We chose an environment so familiar

that you'’d never think to question it:

your old high school.

Wait, so you scanned our brains

and thought my memories of Glimmerdale

were our actual high school?

Your mind was full of them.

By far the most prominent memories we could find.

We just assumed...

Oh my, God.

I have wasted my youth.

[Jonesie] Oh, big-time.

Sorry, was that rude?

No, no, no.

My disappointment is only in myself.

Okay.

I see now that we were fools

to try to outmaneuver you.

But please, almighty ones,

use your godlike scientific genius

to help us destroy the seahorses for good.

Uh, okay. Yeah.

Um, sort of the thing we--

We can'’t help you.

Wait, what?

Uh, first off,

you guys seem pretty evil yourselves.

Yeah, this is a lot more annihilation talk

than we usually side with.

- Oh, uh, well-well-- - And second,

you have just radically overestimated

how much we know about science, which is nothing.

- Nothing. Oh, my God! - [Jonesie] Nothing at all.

But you predicted the probability

of our simulation from the start.

Yeah, I just watch a lot of sci-fi.

I don'’t actually fi the sci myself.

- You know what I'’m saying? - Are you serious?

But you guys, you seem to be pretty good at it

because you built an entire simulation

and also an interdimensional hook?

But then who built your portal!?

I did. And they know nothing, sir.

Just let them go.

Schneider? You'’re involved in this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, this is all making sense now.

A-doy. I was hacking into the simulation

to help you break free.

You did what?

Traitor!

Oh! You were the one in the trench coat.

Why were you in a disguise if you were trying to help?

Yeah, you know, you really slowed down

this whole convoluted simulation reveal thing.

I didn'’t want to get in trouble with the authorities.

- And there it is. - [Jonesie] Like Schneider.

- [explosion, rumbling] - Whoa!

Enough!

You'’re all in trouble,

and this whole thing has been a huge waste

of time and resources.

At this point,

I'’m just gonna cut my losses

and eat you for sustenance.

I'’m sorry, what?

I saw that coming.

The tide has turned, [bleep].

They found us.

No! No!

No, you'’ll dry out my carapace!

[Davey] Is that a seahorse with a leaf blower?

- I love today. - Me too.

Oh, for God sakes, let'’s just go.

[thunder crashes]

So, uh, what are you gonna do

now that you'’ve been branded as a traitor?

Use your superior technology to unite the warring factions

in a bid for peace?

No. I only helped you get out of the simulation

to get rid of you.

I'’ve been desynced here for centuries.

I have come to loathe the seahorses,

especially after they murdered my family.

So now I'’m building a weapon of mass destruction

to kill them all.

Wow. Backstory. Back, backstory city.

Yeah. Okay. Hey, good luck with all that, or no good luck.

I don'’t know.

- Okay. Bye! - Bye!

Yes, goodbye. Toodle-oo. All right. Take care.

All right.

Now to bathe in the blood of the seahorses.

[crackling]

My God!

[ominous music playing]

Stephen Simon Schneider?

[gasps] How do you know my name?

I'’m from the future.

And you'’re about to make a grave mistake.

Who are you?

I'’m your son.

[gasps] But how?

Follow me if you want to live.

[suspenseful music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

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