Original subtitles

Okay, where do you wish we were right now instead of here?

- Go. - [laughs] Oh, okay.

- Cleveland's saddest mall. - [laughs]

- Um, anyone's board game night. - Ooh.

The back half of Snowpiercer.

But the movie, not the train.

Obviously.

Can you believe that high school's this boring?

Like, we knew, but we didn't know

in the haunted way we know now.

No, if you told me that it was gonna be this,

like for forever,

we would be in a tasteful cult right now, I'll tell you that.

[both laugh]

God! Why is everyone so boring but us?

They're just a bunch of...

♪ Sad little sheep ♪

Yeah. Doing their algebra.

Chowing down on root beer.

Chowing?

- [both laugh] - You know what?

We just have to get through the next two years,

and then we can do whatever we want.

- More than we do now? - Yeah.

[whistle blows]

Davey! Jonesie!

Seriously?

Okay, we'll go.

- [girl 1] No, no, no, please. - We're going.

Take your time. We'd hate to inconvenience you.

[girl 2] Get off the field!

Yeah, well, you're all sheep.

Yeah! So, baa-baa!

♪ Well, I went to school ♪

♪ In Olympia ♪

♪ And everyone's the same ♪

♪ What do you do ♪

♪ With a revolution? ♪

♪ Well, I went to school ♪

♪ In Olympia ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ And everyone's the same ♪

♪ We look the same ♪

♪ We talk the same ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

- Get a hobby. - I think that is their hobby,

and that's what's sad about it.

- Whoa! - Uh...

Dana, Jorbie.

I just, uh...

have to, uh...

- Excuse... - Okay.

[Jonesie] You have to know that's not our names.

Don't care. Thank you.

How is that guy an actual human teacher?

I'm telling you, man, this school is the worst.

[Davey scoffs]

[laughing] Oh, no!

A night of enchanted tolerance.

Whoa.

This school's determined to humiliate itself.

You know what? The only thing worse

than participating in sports

is participating in the tragic, archaic mating ritual

that is the school dance.

- [laughing] - [boy] Dude!

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ Talk out what you want ♪

♪ What you really Really want ♪

♪ Looking at my lips ♪

♪ Then you'll never Get enough ♪

♪ Yeah, smells like ♪

♪ Candy ♪

♪ Like candy ♪

Yo, Joe, watch how fast I can drink this root beer.

[slurping]

Oh, something's wrong.

It really is.

Why, hormones?

You're better than this!

[groans]

- Davey, Jonesie. - Emile.

[groaning] Get help.

[croaks]

I'm sorry, but am I the only one who sees this?

- Yes. - I mean, I could.

- I just choose not to. - [both laugh]

Remind me again why you two share a locker.

[Davey] Oh, because my locker is next to the band room,

and then I had this argument with the jazz club

about whether or not I am or am not in the jazz club.

Wait, you're in jazz club?

- I don't know! - Open wound.

- Don't poke. - Sorry.

It's ultimately why we sold off our locker to

that kid who sells the off-brand protein powder.

- Yeah. - Now we share mine.

Yeah, but it's actually awesome

because we have identical class schedules

and there's plenty of room.

There she is. Old Faithful.

- Oh, God. - [Davey] She's a beaut.

Googly eyes on that car battery.

That's cute.

[sharp clank]

Oh, we should have warned you.

Are there magnets in there?

Yeah, it was a failed Halloween costume.

Yeah, it made sense at the time.

Yep, it's broken. Well, I commend you

on committing to the bit of being yourselves

despite the resoundingly mixed reviews.

[Principal Neighbors] Davey, Jonesie.

[gasps]

Loving the outfit, Miss Devi.

He's fun.

What's up, Principal Neighbors?

- Oh, God, what isn't? - What?

Okay, are you two still, uh, sharing a locker?

Uh...

I don't know.

You know, girls, you know what I've learned

from my recent divorce

and subsequent intensive therapy journey?

A lot of things. But also how to read people.

Yeah, and while I am all about the power

of hashtag "female friendship"-- I am sisterhood for life--

I, and frankly a lot of the faculty,

have become concerned that your relationship

has become co-dependent, yeah?

To the point of being self-alienating

to your peer group.

[both] Principal Neighbors, come on!

[Davey] I mean, we've been over this.

That our relationship is cool and normal,

and that we haven't been alien-- alientizing anybody.

No, we have other friends. Emile! Hey, buddy!

Emile! Emile!

Emile!

Ouch. That was hard to watch.

- He was just here. - We were just hanging out.

We were just laughing. We laugh, I think.

I get it. Why don't we take this conversation somewhere

a little more safe and a little less--

how do I put this-- embarrassing for you, okay?

Let's step it off. It's okay.

Down the hall. Take the shame down the hall.

[energy crackles]

Gentlemen, it's finally ready.

Tonight, we take back what's ours.

Now that our portal attunement devices are complete,

the hour of reckoning is close at hand.

Tonight...

we take back the multiverse--

- Oh! - Mr. Schneider?

What?

I need next period off

to help with the dance committee.

Why are you telling me this?

Because you're a good teacher.

Oh. Right.

Uh, that's fine, March, yeah.

It's Mark.

[lock clicks]

[energy crackles]

As I was saying,

tonight...

we take back the multiverse, gentlemen.

[laughs]

[all laughing]

Okay.

Gratitude. Confidence is power.

[exhales]

Isn't that better?

It's lavender.

Calming.

Where were we?

That's right.

Putting yourselves out there.

Taking risks.

That's why I'm now an intermediate-level

Peruvian basket weaver,

and why you two are joining the decorating committee

for the dance tonight.

Um, that's not really our thing.

Yeah, we weren't actually gonna go to the dance

because I have this--

- Because we're so shy. - Shy.

I'm so shy.

♪ I'm just a little girl ♪

Yeah, I'm gonna have to insist.

You two can check in in the gym

with Alexis and Sierra this afternoon.

Cool, cool. And if we don't?

If you don't,

if I don't see a marked improvement

in your general ability to engage

with literally anyone but each other,

I'm afraid I'm gonna be forced to separate you.

- Uh... - Sorry.

Sorry, did you say separate or did you say pizza party?

Yeah, separate class schedules for a start.

Separate lockers.

And if you push it, if you force my hand,

then I will be forced to recommend to your parents

that one of you transfer.

[echoing] Transfer... transfer...

transfer... transfer...

- Transfer! - Oh! No!

- Are you-- - No, no.

Hold me back, 'cause I'm gonna--

You have something evil in your eyes,

and I see it.

Okay, okay, okay.

It doesn't have to come to that.

But I just need to see some...

Ooh, how would I put it?

Healthier behavior.

I'm not asking for the moon here, girls.

I just need you to be less...

Ourselves?

Nope. Hey, no.

You were pretty much gonna say that.

No, I didn't say that, because I am all about letting

your freak flag fly.

Yeah, I am all for it. I love to be freak.

Yeah, you know what I have?

I have an Andy Warhol print in my dining room, so...

Dean didn't get that in the settlement.

I'm just trying to get you two

to expand your horizons, because that's my job.

It's a big world out there,

and you gotta just embrace

whatever the universe throws at you.

Starting with decorating committee for the dance tonight.

Okay, I'm gonna say something,

and I know it's gonna be dramatic,

but this is textbook child abuse!

I mean, can she separate us? Like, legally?

If she can't, our parents for sure will.

Mine already think you're a bad influence.

Why? Because I made a lightly erotic

stop-motion film using your sister's old Barbies?

Well, it did not help.

- That was such a layered film. - I know.

- Bro. - [school bell rings]

Okay, so we're gonna do this?

Well, what choice do we have?

D, if you think that this place is a boring hellhole now,

imagine going through it not together.

[gasps] How dare you?

You know that my imagination is too powerful

for hypotheticals like that.

It is desperate times, D. Okay?

Which is why we're gonna have to find a way to get through this.

It's one afternoon with Sierra.

One little dance, right?

But it's just, like, the dance committee.

- They're so... - Basic?

Yeah. I know.

But what would you expect from a school

that would rather turn out mindless automatons

than support a single original thought?

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

[laughing]

[powering off]

What is wrong with this door?

Apparently the lock is faulty.

Were you just talking to someone?

Was I? Uh... no.

Hey. I get it.

Thursday, I called the phone company to change my plan,

just so I'd have someone to talk to for three hours.

It was... dark.

Anyway, I just came by, though,

to let you know that I signed you up

to chaperone the dance with me tonight.

Chaperone the dance tonight?

Tonight.

Uh, oh...

Oh, I know you're not the mixing type, Stephen.

Cut to me after Dean left.

I'm sure you'd rather just hang out here with yourself.

Well, you could say that.

But we have got to put ourselves back out there, Stephen.

You know, and I'll be there too, so...

Mm-hmm.

Great. Well, I'm gonna have maintenance come by

and fix this door for you 'cause we would not want your students

locked out of their favorite teacher's classroom,

now would we? [laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

No, we wouldn't.

- [girl] What's up, Mr. S? - [boy 1] Hey, Mr. S.

- No, we wouldn't. - [boy 2] Mr. S, what's up?

Look, they love you. They love it in here.

- Yes. - Hungry minds. Yum, yum, yum.

[upbeat music playing]

You need to hang it higher.

Do you want it to be a fire hazard?

Well, maybe.

Oh, yes.

[escaping air whistles]

Just hang it from the ceiling.

I think it might be too high.

- Just do it! - Okay.

[Davey clears throat]

Wow, Sierra.

Impressive leadership skills.

Yeah, they do say intimidation is the sincerest form

of making everyone feel bad.

What do you two want?

- So... - Yes.

- The-- We want to... - Ask a question.

- To ask to join... - [clears throat]

[Davey] I can't say.

W-We want to join the dance committee.

[retches] Oh, my God. Whoa.

[Jonesie] No, no...

Do not be so dramatic, okay?

You're in luck.

The dance committee is full.

Well, clearly we don't want to join

your reign of decorative terror,

but Principal Neighbors says we have to.

And once again,

Principal Neighbors has ignored my emails

about recognizing my authority as class president.

Mm...

Aren't you vice president?

- Only on a technicality. - [Jonesie] Right.

Like the way that you technically ran unopposed

but still somehow lost to Alexis.

Am I being talked about?

♪ Dangerous ♪

I love that for me.

[sighs]

Davey, Jonesie. Pleasure, as always.

- Yeah. - What up?

Principal Neighbors wants them to join the dance committee.

As I told them, it's already full.

Mm!

Classic pickle.

Let me chomp on that for a minute.

I say...

[speaks Spanish]

What?

Yeah, I spent the summer in Mallorca.

It was honestly great.

They are just so cool,

in a way I can't put my finger on, but it physically hurts me.

Well, uh, gracias for your presidential input,

but it's not really a solution.

And, as always, has no relevance to the dance tonight.

Oh, dang, is that tonight?

- Yes. - [Alexis] That would make sense.

I'll try to swing by.

- [snaps fingers] - Later, crocodiles.

- Bye. - See you later, alligator.

Okay, fine, you can join the committee.

[sighs] Yay.

First, I need you to go to the store

and replace the 500 Snoopy Dixie cups that...

someone bought...

with plastic champagne cups for the punch instead.

- Okay? - Okay.

And don't even think about making this dance

one of your weird little protests

where you try to make some elaborate point about society

that no one understands, and ruins it for everyone else.

[Joyce] Excuse me, Vice President!

Joyce! The banner is not a cape!

[Davey] Sierra really does have some good ideas sometimes.

Oh, yeah, you mean the thing about using

the plastic champagne cups for the punch?

I'm just kidding.

Obviously the thing about livening up tonight's dance

with one of our incredible protests,

and literally nothing else that she said.

[both] To the mascot store!

- I want to live in your brain. - Yeah.

[Sierra yelling]

[dance music playing]

Where is Schneider?

This is a hoot.

You'll never get me!

Come on, man.

Boys. Abbott.

They're not sabers. Come on.

And that's what they call a checkmate.

Ooh!

The banner is still too low. Where is Joyce?

Sierra, eyes.

The dance is fine.

The dance is a disaster!

[hip-hop music playing]

[all cheer]

Relax. Everyone's so psyched Alexis put in an appearance,

they wouldn't even notice your decorations.

Okay, where are Davey and Jonesie

with the champagne cups?

[beat-driven music plays]

Time for these fools to learn they're all just sheep.

- Baa-baa. - That's what's up.

Okay.

Are we at all concerned

that our very specific message of "you're all sheep"

will be undercut by the fact that the mascot store

didn't have sheep heads available?

No. The choreography speaks for itself.

You're so right.

[Mr. Schneider] We, the collective Schneider,

were once a single entity,

the greatest mind in all the multiverse.

Until we were demoted, disgraced...

- [sighs] - ...de-synced...

- [exhales] - ...and forced to moonlight

as tenth grade science teachers in every universe in existence.

Ugh! Uh-uh.

But now, we have a way to become one man once again,

for I, the Schneider of Universe 6689...

Uh, babe, we literally have all the same backstory.

Could we pace this up?

[snickers]

Yes. Of course.

Well, we should mobilize before that principal comes

and drags us off to that godforsaken dance.

Hey! Not groovy, man.

All apologies to Disco Schneider.

- And let's do this. - Okay.

Sync frequencies.

- [signals warbling] - Right on.

[dance music playing continuous]

[air horn sound effect blowing]

Pretty lit, huh?

I know, it slaps.

[Jonesie] Hey!

Stop the music!

[music stops]

[Davey] Things are gonna get started.

[Davey grunts]

- Hello, good people! - [Jonesie] Let's go. Back it up.

- Back it up. I'm looking at you. - [Davey] Clear the way!

Make some space...

No! No! No...

I say we let this play out.

What?

Hit it!

Hit what?

Did we forget to give Mark our music?

I think that we just forgot

that music wouldn't miraculously start playing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. One second.

Um...

- [music plays] - Let's do this.

Definitely.

♪ You make no ♪

♪ You make no sense ♪

♪ You make no ♪

♪ You make no sense ♪

♪ You, you ♪

♪ You make no sense at all ♪

This is great.

Oh, yeah.

[music playing tinnily]

Am I supposed to get this?

Nope. Nobody is.

We're all chicken.

Nope.

♪ You, you ♪

♪ You make no sense at all... ♪

- ♪ All... all... all... all... ♪ - And there.

That's it. Yes.

Now, our devices were designed

to create an electromagnetic frequency so strong

that it should be able to open the portal

in each of our labs.

Once we go through,

it will code itself to our DNA,

syncing us back into one being.

But we all have to go through at the exact same time, so...

We know. We are all the same guy.

Why do you keep monologuing?

Right, well... Let's just get this over with, okay?

- Ready? Mark. - [all] Ten,

nine, eight,

seven, six,

five, four,

three, two,

one...

- [static crackles] - [powering down]

Where's the portal?

I see no portal.

Nary a portal in sight.

Where is it? It should be here!

You did the calculations, remember?

I thought you had the big old plan.

I thought you were Mr. Mister with the big plan.

Will you shut up? Shut up! We're wasting time.

- [static crackling] - Everyone getting that signal?

Is everyone getting that? It's strong.

It has to be the portal.

It has to be here somewhere.

We have to find it before someone else does.

T-minus four minutes to entry. Go!

Yes, of course.

Signal my keister.

♪ I say you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You make no sense at all ♪

Oh, no, no, no.

No.

♪ You, you ♪

♪ You make no sense at all ♪

This makes no sense.

What could possibly be generating

this much electromagnetic energy?

[Emile] Are there magnets in there?

[Davey] There's plenty of room.

[Emile] Googly eyes on that car battery.

Whoa!

♪ You make no ♪

No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm okay.

♪ You make no sense ♪

Do you think that it's possible we might be losing them?

Let's skip to the big finish.

♪ You make no ♪

Where is it?

[gasps and laughs]

Here it is.

[Davey] Oh, there we go.

[breathing heavily]

[drum cymbals reverberate]

[all gasp]

- Whoa. - Yes.

- [all scream] - [fire alarm rings]

[crying]

No! No! No!

- [whimpering and panting] - [fire alarm stops]

[whimpering]

I think they're mad.

At least they don't know it's us.

Davey! Jonesie!

You're dead!

Oh, is that Davey and Jonesie?

This is Fantasia!

Let's get out of here.

You get back here right now!

We gotta stash these

before anyone can confirm that it was us.

Our locker.

The safe space for shameful things.

Yeah. I think there's still room.

- [device beeping and chirping] - All right.

[sighs]

Still got a minute.

[phone beeps]

I, the Schneider of Universe 6689

am recording this message to commemorate

my triumphant return,

like a phoenix rising from the ashes of exile.

For anyone watching who didn't believe in me,

or who doubted me, or who betrayed me,

you know who you are.

Let it be known

that not even you could stand in my way,

for I am about to prove the heights of my genius.

[adventurous music playing]

That's new.

[angry shouting]

[Mr. Schneider] Because I am about to prove

that nothing and no one will stand in the way...

- [all yelling] - Stop them!

[Mr. Schneider] A Stephen Simon--

Ah! Hey! Hey!

Wait! Wait! No, no, no!

[techno music playing]

[Davey and Jonesie screaming]

- Ah! - Ah!

- What just happened? - I don't know.

- Where is everyone? - I don't know.

[Mr. Schneider] Dina? Jumbo?

Schneider?

[both scream]

You don't belong here.

[all scream]

[screaming continuous]

[in squeaky voice] You don't belong here.

No. Oh, no.

[silent movie music playing]

[no audio]

[screaming continuous]

[gasps] Now what?

[galloping calliope music playing]

You don't belong here.

Not again!

[sobs]

[screams]

Cool.

[Mr. Schneider laughing]

[Jonesie] Holy crapiola.

[both whooping]

[distorted voices]

[Davey] Stop!

[upbeat electronic music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[laughter]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0