All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm s12e08 The Colostomy Bag.eng

? ("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ?

? (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

? Yah-dat-dat-dat
Dat-dat-dat-dat ?

? Yah-dat-dat-dat
Dat-dat-dat-dat ?

? Yat-dat-dat-dat
Dat-dat-dat-da ?

-? Yah-yah, diyah, da-da ?
-RODRIGO: Welcome.

Gotcha.

? Yat-dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-dat ?

? Yat-dat-dat-dat
Dat-dat-dat-dat ?

(SLOWS) ? Dat-dat-dat-dat
Dat-dat-dat-dat-da ?

? Ya-ah... Ya... ?

Mr. David,
what brings you to Georgia?

Well, um, I'm on trial
for the horrible crime of...

giving a woman
who was on line to vote...

a bottle of water.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh!
Oh, what a terrible thing.

Oh, what a terrible crime.

What... What...
What... What... What... What...

What a terrible crime
to give her a bottle of water.

CHRISTOPHER MANTLE:
Okay, Larr-- Larr.

Let's do it like we're actually
in the trial. Okay?

Which means
you have to stay silent

and only answer the questions.

-Copy that.
-Thank you.

So, Larry, Georgia gets
thousands of visitors a year

here to experience
our beautiful springs,

our peach trees. Well, what...

What is it that brought you here
to Georgia in the first place?

I was offered an appearance fee
to show up at this party,

-and I was told to be cordial.
-Cordial?

And you know what?
I was pretty damn cordial.

-I asked questions to people.
-(SIGHS)

"Oh, does your son
take piano lessons?"

-Larry, just--
-LARRY DAVID: "Does he practice?

It's hard to get him
to practice.

They don't like to practice."

Larry, try to stay on topic.
We don't care about the...

-Right? I know. It's not--
-LARRY: I'm just saying how cordial I was.

I asked about
the son's piano lessons.

What else you got? Huh?

I tore him to shreds.
I tore him to shreds.

Okay.
I think we're done here today.

Jury, thank you so much
for coming.

Uh, you may exit and deliberate
as if this was a real trial.

We appreciate your time.

And, uh, please fill out
the questionnaires.

It'll help us reach a verdict.

You know, my father fought
in World War II, Iwo Jima.

He wasn't one of the ones
with the flag.

CHRISTOPHER: That's fine.
Thank you.

He was encouraging
the flag holders.

-CHRISTOPHER:
Thank you, everybody. Thank you. -Yelled encouragement.

"Go, guys! Go! Up that hill!"

Larry, let's have a little chat
down here really quick.

-Huh? Well?
-How do you feel that went?

Frankly, I'm a little concerned
about one of the jurors.

-CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
-In the garage, he saw me

-tossing my keys to the valet.
-Uh-huh.

I could be perceived
as a big shot.

-Nobody likes a big shot.
-That's true.

-They don't like a big shot.
-Yeah.

But, uh, I wouldn't worry about
this mock trial for that.

Where are you getting
these jurors, anyway?

My assistant gathers them
from the building.

-You know what I think?
-CHRISTOPHER: What's that?

-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
-I think you ought to go in there and get

-that guy out of there...
-CHRISTOPHER: One second.

...because he's gonna poison
those people.

I got a great text from Abe.

Ah, great.
So everything's worked out?

-Yeah, everything's...
-Beautiful.

Yeah, everything's
been going great.

And what name did you wind up
using for the kid?

Why don't
we leave our professional

and personal lives separate,
you know?

-Okay.
-CHRISTOPHER: Okay.

LARRY: It was Zeckelman,
wasn't it?

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
Yeah, it was Zeckelman.

LARRY: Yeah,
that's what I thought.

? (CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-Hey.
-RODRIGO: Hey.

Um...

Did you mind me
tossing the keys to you earlier?

Oh, no. No, no, not at all.

-You like a key toss?
-Absolutely.

It's human nature.
We like to catch.

I mean,
that's what I thought, right?

And we like to toss.
People like to toss and catch.

-Right? Yeah.
-(CHUCKLES) Right. Yeah, yeah.

Your car's actually
out in the front.

Do you want me
to get it for you?

Oh, no, that won't be necessary.
I'm happy to get it.

Well, here you go, sir.

-Well, thank you, Rodrigo.
-RODRIGO: Oh.

-This is for you.
-RODRIGO: Oh, thank you so much.

-My pleasure.
-Thank you.

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Um, you got the salad,
but I have a feeling...

you're gonna be
very jealous of this.

-Of the sandwich? Yeah.
-Yes. Well...

I'm not supposed
to be eating sandwiches.

All right. (SIGHS)

-Um, listen.
-Yeah?

I'm gonna have back surgery.

-Back surgery?
-Back surgery.

-Really? That bad?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Upper back. Yeah, it's been...

-Oh, don't even get me started.
-Okay.

Anyhow, I'm gonna
have anesthesia, obviously.

Three percent chance
something'll happen to me. So...

(WHISPERING)
Susie has the power of attorney.

She's in charge of all of it.

So if something bad
happens to me,

I don't trust her.

You mean she'll...

-she'll pull the plug too fast?
-Pull the plug?

She could do it for any reason.
Who knows?

Uh, maybe on the way there
we get into a fight,

-which is more than likely.
-Right.

So I want you in charge.

Well... okay.

And I don't expect you
to visit me.

I wouldn't know
if you're there or not.

Just come, like,
once a week and take a look.

I might not even come
once a week.

I could just call up.

I'm unconscious.
What the fuck do I know?

How we gonna do this?

We're gonna go to my attorney,
sign some papers, you're in.

Boy.

That sounds real risky.

What if she finds out
we went to this attorney?

Mantle is in the same building
as my attorney.

My lawyer's in the same building
as this guy?

-Yes, indeed.
-Yeah.

-We could say we went to mine.
-We'll say we went to Mantle's.

-Oh, my God, it's perfect.
-If she finds out,

there's no telling
what she could do.

Yeah, well,
she's not gonna find out.

-Find out what?
-Oh.

-Tell her, tell her, tell her.
-Find out-- Find out that I...

-Yeah.
-...was found guilty.

-In his mock trial.
-In my mock trial.

-Can you believe that?
-What?

Yeah. One of the jurors--

I like you eating a salad, Jeff.

-Thank you.
-Very nice.

It's delicious
and I'm enjoying it.

-Good. Good for you.
-One of the mock jurors?

SUSIE GREENE: Yeah.

Saw me tossing keys
to the valet.

And I think
he got offended by it...

-He thought,
"Oh, who's this big shot?" -...and influenced the--

-Yeah, like I was a big shot.
-SUSIE: Yeah.

I'm not a big shot.
It wasn't a big shot toss.

Yeah, but you know, Larry,
a toss, you could hurt somebody,

-you could injure them.
-Hurt somebody?

What kind of mutant
can't catch a key?

You better be
very careful right now.

I mean,
that was only a mock trial

that you failed.
Imagine a real trial.

-Wanna go to jail in Atlanta,
in the South? -(CELL PHONE RINGING)

They'll have you
on a chain gang.

Oh. Hello?

(CALLER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
OVER PHONE)

Now?

Okay.

-All right, I'll pick you up.
-Who's that?

It's Lewis. He wants
to buy this old Mercedes,

and, you know,
he lost his sense of smell

-during COVID, and--
-SUSIE: Oh, yeah.

And, you know,
sometimes these old cars,

-they have a musty odor to 'em.
-He wants your nose.

-LARRY: Yeah.
He wants my nose. Yeah. -Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna take off.

Hey, you gonna finish
that sandwich?

Eh. Take it.

JEFF GREENE: All right.
Thank you.

Oh, I got this
Vonderdonk cheese.

-SUSIE: Yeah?
-I don't want it sitting in the car.

Do you mind
if I keep it in your fridge?

-No. Go ahead.
-LARRY: Huh?

Put it in the cheese drawer.

Okay. I'll pick it up later
or tomorrow.

SUSIE: Yeah, whatever.

LARRY: All right, see ya.

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

He sent me a couple
of pictures of the car,

-and it's just so...
-Uh-huh.

It's such a classic
and it's so beautiful, man.

-Wow.
-This is a rare gem.

You like the old Mercedes.

I don't know
how it's gonna really smell,

-so, you know,
you're my nose today. -Ah.

My nose isn't so great.

Disgusting things
I can smell very well.

-Urine, BO, you know.
-I don't know. I mean, I...

Urine, I can smell
from two blocks away,

but you shove a flower
up my nose,

it does nothing for me.
Hey, um...

you're friends
with Conan, right?

Yeah, for a long time.

'Cause I saw him
in my neighborhood.

Yeah, well, he moved
into that Spanish-looking house,

uh, up on the Circle.

You know, I wanted to go up
and say something to him,

but I didn't want him to think
I was, you know, a nut, so...

-You need clearance.
-I need clearance.

-You need clearance
before you talk to him. -Yeah.

-Otherwise, you know, my God.
-Right. Yeah.

Could you get me clearance?

-I can get you Conan clearance.
-You'll get me Conan clearance?

-I'll get you Conan clearance.
-All right.

-? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?
-LARRY: Great. Thank you.

-Right? I mean, come on.
-(LARRY SCOFFS)

-It's mint condition. 1973.
-It's a beauty.

-I've never seen
anything like it. -There's not a scratch on it.

-LARRY: It's really something.
-MIKE DICARLO: Right?

How you feeling in there?

-Oh, this is a beauty.
-Right?

-This is really gorgeous,
huh, Larry? -LARRY: Uh-huh.

Look how good
he looks in this car.

Yeah, don't be too enthusiastic.

-He'll boost the price on you.
-No. No, no.

I bet that's true.
You think he's a booster?

-He could be a booster.
-RICHARD LEWIS: I think so.

-Yeah, he might be a booster.

-But it is beautiful.
-I do not wanna let this car go.

If I wasn't going through
this goddamn divorce...

-Oh.
-She's not getting the car.

What do you think, LD, huh?

How's it feel?
You look great in it.

-Doesn't he look great in that?
-Yeah.

MIKE:
It's got all the original parts.

Oh, I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go sit in it.

Yeah, yeah.
Try it out yourself. (CHUCKLES)

All right, I'll stop boosting.

Come on. What took you so long?

-What took me so long?
-Yeah, I'm nodding my brains out.

No, 'cause your head nod
isn't any good.

I didn't know
what you were doing.

-What do you mean
it's not any good? -You don't have a good head nod.

A head nod,
you're supposed to go like this.

-Huh. Huh.
-Yeah, I did. I went--

No, no, you didn't do that.
You went like this. Like that.

-And you use your eyes too?
-You use your eyes, yeah.

-There you go. There you go.
-How come now you tell me?

Just saying you need to work
on your head nod.

All right, so what do you think
of the car, man? I love it.

-(SNIFFS)
-What's wrong?

(CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS)

There's a smell.

(SNIFFS) It smells like tobacco.

-It does?
-Yeah, like...

somebody smoked a lot
of Chesterfields in this car.

What do you think?
It's great, right?

You loving it? Huh?
It's all vintage.

So, what do you think
I should do?

You can't pay full price.

Then I'm gonna ask him
for a discount.

-A smell discount.
-Yeah. Good.

-What's up, guys? We got a deal?
-Hey, listen, man.

I don't think
I'm gonna buy the car.

Why not? What?

-What are you talking about?
-He told me it smells in here.

What are you-- What happened?

You know, he, um...
he brought me along

'cause he's got long COVID
and he can't smell,

and you know, old cars,

they occasionally have
a musty smell,

-and, you know--
-This has a good musty smell.

There's good old musty
and there's bad old musty,

-and this is bad old musty.
-RICHARD: Right.

No, this is an old car smell.
It's good.

-LARRY: I'm sorry, you know.
-RICHARD: I don't buy that, man.

I'm sorry.
I smell tobacco in there.

Wait, if you can't smell,
what do you care?

It's your car. It's not his car.

Okay, I can't smell it,
but if there's a smell,

then it's gonna be a bad thing
for anyone

who drives in the car with me.

Get one of those, you know,
pine, uh, things that--

Forget the pine thing.
I'll buy the car,

but I want
a 3,000-dollar smell discount.

(SCOFFS) You know what I smell?
I smell a scam. You come here.

-"Oh, he can't smell..."
-That's ridiculous.

"...but I'm gonna tell him,

'Oh, yeah,
smells like cigarettes.'

Why don't you knock off 3,000?"

-Come-- That's ridiculous.
-I don't think so.

-There's no scam.
-I don't think so.

-It wasn't planned, believe me.
-Oh, come on.

I'm not taking 3,000 dollars
off this car.

No. I offered a fair price,

and if you don't want the car
for that price, then forget it.

Okay?

-LARRY: Want it?
-No, I don't.

-All right.
-Unbelievable.

What a shit day
this has been, man.

-Yeah.
-Thanks a lot, Larry.

Hey, things could be worse.
You could have a colostomy bag.

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

RICHARD:
Kiss that car goodbye, huh?

(LARRY EXHALES)

Hey, do you know
if DiCarlo has a colostomy bag?

What? What are you smoking?
What kind of question is that?

Yeah, because I made a bad joke,

and I think I...
I think I struck a nerve.

I'll ask Jeff.
Maybe he'll find out for me.

RICHARD: Yeah, I can't wait
to hear the answer.

I hope we don't run into Mantle.

We'll be fine.

-LARRY: Yeah.
-Hello, gentlemen.

Good afternoon.
How are we doing?

Oh.

Uh, I'll meet you
by the elevator.

-JEFF: All right.
-Mr. David. How are you?

-Good. Ah!
-Good to see you.

-LARRY: So...
-Thank you.

-LARRY: Okay.
-VICTOR: Yes?

-Oh, you're a valet.
-Yes, I am.

You didn't like it
when you saw me

toss the keys
to Rodrigo, did you?

I don't wanna get into this.
I'm trying to work.

I saw you look askance, though,
when you saw it.

Okay, I thought it was
kind of a big shot move.

Rodrigo likes to catch.

I doubt that.
It's a safety hazard.

You could've--
You could've hit his eye.

Did you influence the other
jurors against me? Huh?

There are two people
in the valet world, sir.

Handers and tossers.
And you're a tosser.

Okay, Victor,
I'll be back in half an hour.

I gotta go sign some papers

so I can kill my friend
whenever I want to.

And when I come back,

I'd appreciate it
if you'd toss me my keys,

and I'll hand you your tip.

Great, I'll keep it close.

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYS, FADES) ?

If you'll just sign
right there, sir.

-Right there?
-Yes.

-I really like this pen.
-LAWYER: Thank you.

-LARRY: This is a fantastic pen.
-It... It is.

No, but I... I really like it.

These pens are--
They sign really nicely.

If you'll just place
one more signature right there.

LARRY: I mean, it's a great pen.
Where do I get a pen like this?

I'm sure you can get that
at any major department store.

You must have
a lot of 'em though, no?

Yeah, we do have a lot.

-Hmm. Okay.
-So congratulations,

you now have
medical power of attorney,

that is the power
to pull the plug.

-Oh! You're a dead man.
-(JEFF CHUCKLES)

-Pull that plug!
-Pull it!

LARRY: (LAUGHS)
Pull that plug, nurse!

Okay, if I may just
have that pen back.

-Yeah, sure.
-Thank you. All righty.

Well, we'll have the copy sent
to you very soon.

-Okay.
-LAWYER: Thank you. Take care.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Could you believe
he didn't give me that pen?

-I was shocked.
-LARRY: That was unbelievable.

He resisted
the "I like it" gambit.

-Yeah. Oh.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh! DiCarlo had stomach surgery
a few months ago.

(GROANING) Oy, oy...

He's got a bag.
He's got the bag.

Unbelievable. I... I don't know.

I don't know.
What am I gonna do now?

-What do I do?
-Truly, I have no idea.

What can I do for this guy?
Can I buy him a new bag?

Like a really
expensive colostomy--

Like a Louis Vuitton
colostomy bag?

-Do they sell those?
-Do they make those?

-I don't know.
-LARRY: Do they make those?

-? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)

LARRY: What do you think
of my zipper like this?

Do you like this look?

-That's ridiculous looking.
-I kind of like it.

-I don't like it at all.
-Look, it's two zippers.

-You see?
-No, no, but keep the one down

-and play with the top one.
-LARRY: Yeah.

-Where you guys been?
-JEFF: Um...

We went to, uh, Mantle's office.

-We went to Mantle's office.
-The lawyer. Yeah.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah, well, you know.

-We went to Mantle's.
-Some stuff to sign.

So, everything go okay there?

-Yeah, yeah, you know,
signed some stuff, and... -Yeah. Yeah. And by the way,

it went okay 'cause I was there
for a few moments

-that he needed me.
-SUSIE: Oh, you saved the day, Jeffrey, didn't you?

This has nothing
to do with his career.

You're his manager.

-JEFF: However--
-Yeah, but I value his opinion.

-Really?
-LARRY: Yeah.

-JEFF: At least somebody does.
-You two are something.

You're Frick and Frack,
attached at the hip.

Frick and Frack,
the ice skating team...

-SUSIE: Yes!
-...from the '30s.

A lot of people don't know that.

-Swedish.
-I think they're Swiss.

-Oh, yeah, Swiss.
-What, is there a difference?

So, you need him?
He doesn't know the difference

-between Sweden and Switzerland.
-He knows the difference.

He got confused.

-SUSIE: All right.
-I gotta pee.

-SUSIE: Enjoy yourself.
-Okay, Frick. Yeah.

(JEFF CHUCKLES)

You underestimate
his intelligence, you know?

-(SCOFFS)
-But he's a little smarter than you give him credit for.

I think he's smart.
I don't think he's dumb.

No, let's not go overboard.

He's smarter
than you think he is.

He's not really smart though,
you know.

Ah, he's no genius.

-What are you looking for?
-I'm looking for the cheese.

Oh, it's gone.

-LARRY: What?
-I ate it.

-You ate the Vonderdonk?
-Yeah.

LARRY: What do you mean?
Why'd you eat it?

-It's not your cheese.
-Because it's delicious.

It's not your cheese!
It's my cheese.

Well, you left it here
for a day.

I left it here to pick up.

I told you I was gonna
pick it up later or tomorrow.

-This is tomorrow.
-It was in my refrigerator,

and I believe possession
is nine-tenths of the law.

What's the other tenth?

-Fucking over your friends
and eating their cheese? -Yeah, yeah, I just--

Is that the other tenth
of the law, huh?

-Maybe.
-Let me ask you a question.

If I took a nap on your couch,

could you go through my pockets
and roll me over like a drunk?

You make such a big megillah
over nothing.

It's not over nothing. I went
all the way to Beverly Hills

to pick up that cheese!

Oh, Jeff, he's complaining
that the Vonderdonk is gone.

-Good cheese.
-Yeah.

-You had it too?
-Uh, it was in a sandwich.

Yeah, a melt. I made him a melt.

Who are you people?

You know, I think it's time
for you to leave.

Yeah, you know what?
I think you're right.

I think you're right.
Oh, yes. Yeah.

-SUSIE: You're taking
my pomegranate juice? -LARRY: Yeah. I'm taking it.

I'm taking it. It's mine.

I got the pomegranate juice,
and I'm possessing it!

It's nine-tenths
of the fucking law!

? (CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-Oh! Hey, Conan!
-? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

Hey. Uh, Larry David.

-I know, Larry. Yeah. Yeah.
-LARRY: Uh...

Did Lewis, uh, talk to you?

-No, I didn't hear from Lewis.
-What? Well...

-I... I didn't...
Never heard from Lewis, so... -(SIGHS) Unbelievable.

I specifically called him up

and asked
if he could get me clearance.

He didn't call me, so...

technically, this is
a uncleared conversation.

-It's like an ambush.
-I don't know what to say.

-I'm very embarrassed.
-CONAN O'BRIEN: Yeah.

I'm a little mortified, frankly.

Why would you go up to someone

if you hadn't gotten the okay
from Lewis?

Because I just assumed
that Lewis

-was gonna get the clearance--
-CONAN: You don't assume stuff like that.

"Oh, I assume this boat

has plenty of life preservers
for everyone.

Oh, no, it's the Titanic,
it doesn't."

This will go a lot better
once I get some clearance,

-I think.
-CONAN: Well--

Will you think
about the clearance?

Sure. Yeah, I'll think about it.

Ah. You're not gonna think
about it.

(CHUCKLES) That's just something
people say...

-You know.
-...when they wanna say no,

and they let the person down
a little easier.

-CONAN: It's true.
-They say they're gonna think about it.

I don't know
how many times I say,

"Yeah, I'll think about it,"
and I just wanna get out

of that situation
with the person, yeah.

But you won't spend one second
thinking about it.

Yeah, no. The minute I'm gone,
I'll never think about it again.

-LARRY: Totally, totally.
-That's a great observation.

-You see, if I had clearance...
-CONAN: Yeah.

...these are the kind
of observations

-you'd be hearing all the time.
-(SIGHS)

You should talk to Lewis.
All right?

-Yeah, yeah.
-CONAN: We good?

Yeah. Well, look,
you got one of those, uh,

-firehouse dogs, huh?
-He's never been in a firehouse.

-It's a stereotype.
-Can you stereotype a dog?

Yes, you can stereotype a dog.
"Oh, that's a golden.

He must be
a really friendly dog."

"Oh, there's a Dalmatian.
He must live in a firehouse.

He goes to fires."

This is the kind of conversation
I'm trying to avoid.

There's a reason
this protocol's been around

since early sound days,
1932, '33.

I read an article about somebody
approaching Fatty Arbuckle

without clearance,

and Fatty Arbuckle just broke
a beer bottle over his head.

Yeah, it's been a while
since I've heard a Fatty Arbuckle reference.

What, did you just come
from Margaret Dumont's house?

-Okay.
-Lewis.

Lewis. I thought I had
the clearance. I'll--

There's a system, and we have
a system for a reason.

-I'll go through the system.
-CONAN: Yeah. Okay.

? (CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-Call Lewis!
-LARRY: Yeah!

? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

You know, anyway,
I just wanna apologize

for the other day
and what I said,

and things just fly out
of my mouth without thinking.

I've done it my whole life.

You say a lot
of stupid things, Larry.

-Not all jokes work.
-Not a joke to me.

I've been going through
some rough times lately.

You know, you know
about my fucking divorce.

-Yeah.
-And all the theaters I owned,

-they're going under. I mean...
-(LARRY GROANS) Yeah.

Nobody's coming back
to the theaters.

It's terrible, yeah.

And then health issues,
and I'm...

I don't know, I'm just...

I'm hanging on by a thread,
is what I'm saying.

-And then--
-Okay, you know what?

You know what?
I'm gonna buy the car.

I'm gonna buy it.
I'm buying the car.

-Larry, you don't want this car.
-LARRY: No.

-I want the car.
-Come on.

-I'm gonna buy the car.
-You wanna buy this car?

I'm gonna buy it.
Yeah. I'm buying the car.

At the price
that I gave to Richard?

-The full price?
-Yeah, yeah.

-MIKE: Yeah?
-Yeah, the full price.

You know... (SIGHS)

So I drive around,
there's an odor in the car.

That's nothing compared
to what you're going through.

I know what
you're talking about, the smell,

but it's a smell
that you learn to live with.

Yeah, well,
if you can learn to live with

what you're living with,
uh, you know, I could...

I could live with that,
you know?

Yeah, well,
we all got a lot of baggage.

Yeah.

All right. Hey!
Here is your key.

You can Venmo me the money,
all right?

You can drive it out of here.
Get right in.

-You're gonna love it.
-LARRY: Okay.

Uh... hey, could you
do me a favor

and follow me home in my car,
and I'll pay for your Uber back?

I'd rather not.

Interesting. Okay.

Yeah. Okay.
You'd rather not. (CHUCKLES)

You'd rather not.
I'll come back and pick it up.

-That's a good idea.
-Okay.

-(SNIFFS)
-All good?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Good.

(ENGINE REVS, SPUTTERS)

When you're at a red light,
just keep your foot on the gas.

Oh, and that seat belt.

Yeah, you're gonna have
to get that fixed.

-It's against the law.
-Not in 1973.

? (UPBEAT WHIMSICAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ?

-Yeah. This is it.
-All right.

-Love that Vonderdonk.
-Oh, good stuff.

(HUMMING)

Look at the front.
Very presidential.

Look at that.
Look at that grill.

Go ahead. Sit in it.

LEON BLACK: (CHUCKLES)
Let me see how it feels.

Ah.

Okay. This is a White man car
right here,

I'll tell you that much.

Who'd you get it from,
Mr. Peanut?

The motherfucker
with the monocle and a top hat?

-Huh?
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

(SNIFFS) You're right though.

There is a fucking funky smell
in here.

Right?

Like someone's been smoking
for years in this bitch.

-Yeah, it's like... (SNIFFS)
-Yeah, I know.

-That's all I smell.
-(CAR HORN HONKING)

-Come over here.
-Oh, great.

Hey, did Marilyn Monroe
fuck JFK in a car like this?

-Come here, you bastard.
-LARRY: What?

-You son of a bitch.
-LARRY: What? Okay. Can I--

-You son of a bitch.
That's my car. -Can-- Let me explain.

-That's my car.
-Let me explain, okay?

The guy actually has
a colostomy bag,

-and I felt terrible.
-Oh. Come on. Please.

I felt so guilty and awful,
I had to buy the car.

I'm getting my car back.
This horse shit story is--

It means nothing to me.

-I don't know if it's even true.
-Let me ask you this question.

Why didn't I get clearance
for Conan?

Where was my Conan clearance?

I thought you talked to him.
I had no clearance.

You left me hanging there
like an idiot.

I just want that car.
You owe it to me.

You wanna buy the car?
You can buy the car back off me.

Yeah, but hold on a second,
I want the car,

but I want
3,000-dollar smell discount.

I paid full price.
I didn't get a smell discount.

I mean, there's still an odor
in the car,

isn't there, Mr. David?

You're never gonna smell it.
You got long COVID.

You're not smelling,
you're not tasting.

But I'm making improvements
in all those areas.

-You'll improve your smell?
-Yeah, I might get surgery.

You can't get surgery for smell.

-Yes, you can.
-They got smell surgery?

There's a smell clinic,
but it's in Switzerland.

I'm not sure if I'm gonna go.
But the point is,

I want
the 3,000-dollar discount,

and I want my car,
and that's the end of it.

Okay, fine, but you gotta
drive me to DiCarlo's house to pick up my car.

Okay, we're gonna go
in my little new beauty

over there, okay, babe?

-Did you babe me?
-RICHARD: I babed you.

Don't babe me.

Do not, under any circumstances,
babe me ever, ever.

You think I feel good about it?
It slipped out.

-I'll Venmo you the money.
-? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Hey, I'm just gonna use
the charging station.

AL: Yeah, you're good.

-AL: How you doing?
-Toss?

-Yeah, come on.
-I don't wanna be a big shot.

You're not a big shot.
Come on, toss it.

-All right.
-Awesome. There we go.

-Fun, right?
-AL: It's fun!

-Of course!
-He's a tosser.

CHRISTOPHER:
All right, so, Larry,

I'm going through
these jury questionnaires,

and, uh, they keep saying,
"Less than cordial."

Um, the word "repugnant"
keeps coming up.

Here's one that says
you're "surly," "petty."

I think we have to maybe...

-We have stuff to work on.
-LARRY: Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

-You know?
-I told you that juror, Vic,

didn't like the key toss.

-I told you that?
-Yeah, yeah.

He could've influenced
all those jurors.

I don't know
that one person like that

can influence
all the other jurors.

-You ever see 12 Angry Men?
-Yeah.

Well, one person, Henry Fonda,
influenced the whole jury.

First of all,
this isn't 12 Angry Men.

There's one angry man.
He's sitting across from me.

That valet,
he didn't like a catch,

which I don't understand,
frankly.

Everybody loves a catch.

-I like a catch if it's fun.
-LARRY: Of course.

-CHRISTOPHER: A catch--
-Catching is fun.

I know,
but not if it's a surprise!

-It could hit me in the face!
-It wasn't a surprise catch!

That's part of the job!

You're a valet, you toss,
you catch, you toss!

No, the part of the job
of being a valet is taking keys,

not having keys thrown at you
all day long.

Look, Larry, can't you see
that there's a pattern here?

You're rubbing people
the wrong way.

Don't you see that?
Susie, for example,

just told me the thing
about the cheese.

-(SCOFFS)
-You left cheese there and you're upset

that she ate it?
What is that about?

-You just said it.
-I know, but--

I left cheese in her house.

-CHRISTOPHER: Why--
-Vonderdonk cheese, by the way.

-CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
-And she ate it.

Possession is nine-tenths
of the law.

If you leave it there,
it's hers.

Oh, possession!
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard, possession.

-Why? Why?
-What does that even mean?

She took my fucking cheese.
That's what means something.

But you left it there,
so now it's Susie's cheese.

I can't believe
that you're defending

the cheese eater.

You have an issue
with keys and cheese.

You know what else
I have an issue with?

-CHRISTOPHER: What's that?
-You.

I want a lawyer
who sides with me

-in the cheese dispute.
-I'm not here to defend cheese.

I'm here to defend
a constitutional issue.

I'm gonna find me a lawyer
who's gonna take my cheese side.

-Hey.
-CHRISTOPHER: Yeah?

Catch.

-(DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)
-LARRY: Ziggy Zeckelman! Not too late!

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-AL: Oh, there he is. Hey.
-Hey.

-Huh? That was fun.
-It's fun.

For you.

-There you go. Thank you.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

? (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS) ?

LARRY: Oh, God, Susie.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.

Oh. What the... (GASPS)

It was you! You pulled the plug?

My car's dying!

-(CHUCKLES)
-LARRY: What an asshole!

Hey, you tossed,
you lost, buddy.

-(ENGINE STARTS)
-(DASHBOARD BEEPS)

LARRY: Oh, my God!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Jeff! Jeff, call me!
Jeff, pick up!

Jeff!

Shit.

-Oh, my God. Oh, no.
-(DASHBOARD BUZZES)

(GROANS, SIGHS) Oh, my God.

? (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
CONCLUDES) ?

-? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?
-(GROANS)

What?

? (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Hey! Hey!

-Conan! Conan!
-(BANGS ON WINDOW)

-LARRY: Conan!
-Jesus!

I know, I don't have clearance.

No clearance.
I have no clearance.

My car, the battery died.
My car--

-This is my house.
-No. Oh, I understand.

My car broke down.
It's an emergency.

This is completely unauthorized.

Yeah, can't I get an emergency
clearance exemption?

-There's no such thing!
-LARRY: You can-- You-- You can make--

You gotta go through the levels!

I can't! It's an emergency!
Can I borrow your car?

If I don't get to Jeff's house,
she's gonna see those papers,

and she's gonna kill us.

You don't know
what this woman's capable of.

All right, I don't know
who these people are.

I'll get you the keys.
You can use the car.

-All right? Yeah.
-What? Oh! Oh!

You got something
on your glasses.

Oh. Oh, thank you!

-That's so nice of you.
-CONAN: Oh!

-LARRY: Thank you.
-They're in my pocket.

Ah! My eye!

Why'd you toss?
Who told you to toss? (GROANS)

-It's fun.
-Oh, my God! (SCREAMS)

? (CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

-We're done here.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

-(SIGHS)
-? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

LARRY: So, it turns out DiCarlo
did not have a colostomy bag.

He acted like he had a bag.

How does somebody act
like they have a colostomy bag?

-LARRY: (OVER PHONE)
He had this hangdog

"I shit in a bag"
look about him,

and he took me to the cleaners.

How's, uh, how's the car?

RICHARD: It's a beauty
on the inside and out.

And it makes me so happy
that I saved money.

-Hmm.
-And I'm picking up a beautiful girl

-who's really smart and--
-Oh, what, you got a date tonight?

RICHARD: She's hip.
She laughs at my jokes.

You know?
I mean, she could be the one.

It's hard to believe
that at your advanced age,

you are still throwing around
terms like "the one."

What, am I supposed to just
give up and crawl under a rock?

Yes! Give up. There's no hope.

Larry, this is my first date
with this woman.

I have such a crush on her,

and I think she's gonna fall
desperately in love with me.

LARRY:
Which asylum are you driving to?

The one in Long Beach
or downtown?

RICHARD: Ciao.

? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

What the hell?
Where the hell's the cheese?

(HUMMING)

? (UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) ?

-RICHARD: Wow.
-Hi.

RICHARD: Hiya, beautiful.
Good to see you.

-Good to see you.
-Thanks for coming out tonight--

-(SNIFFS)
-RICHARD: What?

Oh, God!
It fucking stinks in here.

-What? What are you
talking about? -(SNIFFS) Oh!

It doesn't stink in here.
What are you ta--

-Hey, where you going?
-Oh!

-Hey, what's wrong?
-Oh, man!

-RICHARD: Hey! Come on back!
-(WOMAN GROANS)

Jesus! What the...
What the fuck, man?

(SNIFFS) Oh, Christ. (SNIFFS)

? ("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ?

? (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

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