All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm s12e07 The Dream Scheme.eng

? ("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ?

? (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Huh?

Hello?

GINA GROSSBARD: Larry,
it's Gina Grossbard.

- Stu had a stroke.
- Who?

GINA: Stu Grossbard.

From the club.

What?

GINA: I thought
you'd want to know.

? (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Why the fuck'd she call me?

(SCOFFS)

Yeah, it's like at three o'clock
in the morning.

I don't even know
the guy hardly.

- It's ridiculous.
- So crazy. It's nuts.

What am I doing on that list
of middle-of-the-night calls?

I don't understand it.

Better you than me.
That's insane.

- The worst part?
- FREDDY FUNKHOUSER: Yeah?

Now I'm on a text chain
with his wife and the family.

Those chains. I've been on 'em.

- They're the worst thing ever.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

- (SCOFFS)
- Wait a second. I bet this is another one. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

- The chain? That's crazy.
- LARRY DAVID: It's-- (CHUCKLES) It's the chain.

"Hope you're feeling
better today.

My niece just drew this
for Stu."

- FREDDY: Yeah.
- Look.

Look. Look at the picture.

- You gotta heart that.
Just heart it. - (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, another one. Holy cow.

- It's a nuisance.
- It's never gonna stop.

LARRY: And I can't just
drop out, they'll see I left.

Listen to this.

"My family and I are here
whenever anyone needs anything.

Martha's beef stew
is absolute perfection

and really heals all wounds."

It's really, honestly,
like, the lowest form of human communication.

Hey, guess what?
I got a date tonight.

- Wow.
- With an artist.

- Really?
- LARRY: Yeah. She's painting me

as part of a series
of old Jewish comedians

called Wisenheimers.

- I think Richard sat for that.
- LARRY: Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Yeah, he said she was cute.
He asked her out, but he said it didn't go anywhere.

Oh, well, you know.

- Maybe he should've...
- Some of us have it.

...gone to Atlanta
and given some water to someone

- in the voting line, maybe. Huh?
- Perhaps he should've given some water.

- ? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?
- Dig this.

Susie has got
a textile convention

in North Carolina,

- and she wants me
to go with her. - What?

Yep.
What's a textile convention?

You're not going to that.
That's ridiculous.

- No, she already bought tickets.
- What?

And dig this.
Because it's last minute,

- middle fucking seats.
- Oh, you can't go.

JEFF GREENE:
How am I gonna get out?

- Guys, can I do this here?
- Oh, so sorry.

- Ugh. The whole day.
- JEFF: Eh.

- You're not having
the greatest game. - No.

- All right, I'm gonna
give you that. Pick it up. - No cigar.

She's insane.

LARRY: No, you gotta
get out of that thing.

What? What the hell?

- The fuck's he doing?
- What?

- Are you drinking?
- What is that?

Just a little swing juice.

- Swing juice?
- FREDDY: Yeah.

- What's in it?
- I go with iced tea and a little bit of just vodka.

You look like a derelict
with that thing.

You mean a gentleman.
Here's looking up your address.

That's bizarre. (SNIFFS)

Hey, you know what?

I think I got a way
to get out of this trip for you.

- How? Yeah.
- You have this dream, okay?

And it's like a nightmare
about the plane.

And in the dream,
you're thinking,

"Oh, I'm on a-- the middle seat.

Can't breathe.
It's too tight. No room."

She'll wake up,

and you'll tell her
what the dream's about,

and she'll be
very concerned about you,

and she'll say,
"Eh, okay, don't go."

- I like it. That's good.
- LARRY: Huh? Is that good?

- That's pretty great. Yeah.
- It's a dream scheme. Let--

- Let's see you do it.
- All right. Uh...

(MOANS)

- (WHIMPERS)
- (LAUGHS)

Middle seat! Can't breathe.
Oh, they're squeezing me!

Wake up! Wake up!

- (SCREAMING)
- Wake up!

- Jeffrey, wake up! Wake up!
- What? What? Oh.

You were having a bad dream.
What's going on?

I was having
a panic attack. I...

(IMITATES SUSIE GREENE)
You're not going on the trip. I'm gonna go. You stay home.

- Do you like that?
- I love it.

- LARRY: It's worth a shot.
- It's worth a shot.

LARRY: All right.
Pretty good so far, huh?

- RENEE HOLCOMB: So far.
- You wanna be on my talk show?

- Of course.
- All right, we're back.

(LAUGHS)

Our next guest is a young artist
from Los Angeles.

Her name's Renee Holcomb.

Please give her
a nice round of applause.

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS)

- LARRY: Renee, welcome.
- Thank you.

I understand you have
an art show coming up soon.

I do.
It's my Wisenheimer series.

Now, did you paint Larry David?

- RENEE: I did. I did.
- (CHUCKLES)

I heard he's just
an incredible person.

And an incredible face.

You know? It's Picasso-esque.
You know, a little asymmetrical.

- Asymmetrical?
- Well, you know, just slightly.

All right. Thank you
for being on our show tonight.

- (RENEE LAUGHS)
- And our next guest...

Okay, I've got the key lime pie
and the herbal tea.

- Thank you.
- Enjoy.

Well, thanks
for being on my show.

It's a pleasure.

Mm.

- Mm. Hold on.
- No good?

- Oh, God. Mm. Mm-mm.
- Let me taste it.

What do you think?

- Ugh! Ugh!
- Yeah. Right?

- Oh, it's disgusting. Excuse me.
- It's terrible. Tart.

- Hi. Yeah.
- I'm sorry to bother you.

- This pie.
- You don't like it?

- It's really awful. Yeah.
- Oh. It really--

- Inedible. Really.
- It looked like you were both enjoying it.

The grimace looked like
we were enjoying it?

I'm gonna get this
off the bill for you.

- Thank you.
- Perfect. Thank you.

Everything else has been lovely.

Looked like we were enjoying it?

I'll show you what it looks like
when I enjoy something.

- What do you wanna do
after this, by the way? - (LAUGHS)

- MANAGER: Hi, there.
- Oh.

- RENEE: Hi.
- Oh, hello.

- This is yours, correct?
- RENEE: It is.

Well, unfortunately,
a little bad news.

I'm not gonna be able
to take this

- off of your bill tonight.
- Why?

It's halfway gone.

- You guys ate a lot of pie.
- LARRY: Is this a joke?

It's not a joke. What you ate

went past the threshold
of returnability.

Okay,
I took a robust bite initially

because it's dessert.

Then I took a tentative bite
to confirm that it was gross,

- and then he took a bite.
- Three bites.

She took one bite.
She said, "This tastes awful."

A second bite,
"Yes, it is awful."

And you take a large bite
at that point?

That's the part
that doesn't make sense.

You have to take a large bite.
How else do you confirm?

You can't confirm
on a small bite.

- RENEE: Right.
- You don't get enough taste.

- That's three huge bites.
- You know what?

- Charge me double for it.
- I don't need to.

She's an artist.
She's a libertine.

We're going back to my house.
We're gonna have sex.

We're gonna forget
about this horrible experience.

- Exactly.
- LARRY: Okay?

- We're gonna have great sex.
- So there. Yeah.

- You two are gonna have sex?
- Yes.

Yeah, you got a problem
with that?

- No. No problem.
- Let me ask you a question.

- Who made this pie?
- Chef made the pie.

- No wonder.
- No wonder?

- LARRY: No wonder.
- Hmm.

Would you like me
to go grab Chef,

and you can give him
your thoughts?

Yeah, go get Chef.
You think I'm afraid of Chef?

I don't know if you are,
but I think you should be.

- Oh. Oh, I'm so scared of Chef.
- Yeah, get Chef. We don't care.

I think when you meet Chef,
you're gonna change your tune a little bit.

- LARRY: Oh, you think so?
You think so? - Yeah.

BOTH: Go get Chef. Go get Chef.

MANAGER: You're gonna regret
this choice.

I'm the nice one
of the two of us.

Okay. Yeah, get-- Oh, get Chef.

- ? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?
- Let's get the fuck out of here.

How'd you sleep?

- Not good.
- Really?

- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- Why?

- Oh, yeah. New person.
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm. It's weird.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Well, aside from the insomnia,

- everything else was amazing.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Huh.

- Are you suggesting an encore?
- ? (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right there. Right there.

- (LAUGHS) Yes!
- LARRY: Huh? Oh. Huh? Huh?

- Huh?
- RENEE: (SIGHS) Uh-huh.

- (SCREAMS)
- (SHRIEKS)

- DAHLIA: What? (SCREAMS)
- (SCREAMS)

- (SCREAMS) No, no.
- (LARRY STAMMERS)

- (SCREAMS)
- (SHRIEKS)

- LARRY: What the hell?
- Larry, who the fuck is that?

- It's the housekeeper!
- Why didn't she knock?

She's not supposed to be here!
It's her day off!

- She should've knocked.
- LARRY: She should've knocked!

You knock! You knock!
Hey, you always knock!

You always knock. It's true.

- Ah, she seems freaked out.
- LARRY: Oh, yeah?

- What gave you that impression?
- I mean, I don't get it.

It's not like you don't have
one of your own. It's--

- Think I better go talk to her.
- I'm gonna get dressed.

Call me later.
Let me know how it goes.

- Oh, I can't wait for this.
- (RENEE LAUGHING)

It was great, until it wasn't.

LARRY: If I don't see you, goodbye.

(CHUCKLES) Goodbye, Larry.

? (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(GROANS)

Hey. (SIGHS) Um...

I thought--
I thought it was your day off.

No, it wasn't.

Anyway, uh, I--
I know what you saw, and, uh...

You know, I don't know
the nature of your experiences,

but, uh, a lot of women seem
to find pleasure in that.

(CHUCKLES) You know, go figure.

I don't know.
I didn't wanna do it.

I-- She asked me.
Oh, she practically begged me.

"Oh, I want-- I like this,
I like this, I like this,

I like this, I like this."
What am I supposed to do?

I didn't wanna be rude.
You know, I'm a gentleman.

It's a chivalrous thing to do.

You know, it's like a gentleman
holds the door open for women,

a gentleman puts
the toilet seat down,

- and a gentleman, eh... (GROANS)
- (GROANS)

(BOTH GROANING)

Whoo! Dahlia!

(CHUCKLES)
What's going down, girl?

Um, I gotta work.

Bye.

- What's wrong with her?
- Incident.

Incident?

Come out.

- (SIGHS) You got her pregnant?
- No. No.

- It's not that.
- Give it to me.

Well, Renee, the artist
I was telling you about.

- LEON BLACK: Okay. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, we were upstairs.

Dahlia walked in on us
when I was downtown.

- Oh. And yo ass--
- Yeah, she didn't take it well.

What the fuck
you doing downtown?

- You don't need to be downtown.
- Yeah.

Downtown is fucking dangerous,
you understand?

- Mm.
- You more of an uptown person.

Don't get me wrong,
I love it uptown,

but I will venture downtown,
you know, on occasion.

What about you?
Are you a downtown guy?

Yeah, I'm good.

I can fuck around
and do a TED Talk to that shit.

I'll have a pussy TED Talk.

Get all the guys in one room,
get a little microphone,

get a little laser pointer
and shit.

Like, "This is a pussy. See?"

- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah, I'm good at that shit.

I go through all
the fucking zones.

- LARRY: Uh-huh.
- All the eromenous zones.

- Yeah. Erogenous.
- Eronenous zones.

- Erogenous.
- Erotenous.

- Erogenous zones, yeah.
- Erogenous zones.

I know all the fucking zones
and shit.

Gotta know where to lick at
and where to tickle.

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- No caller ID.

Hate that shit. Hey, do you.

- Hello.
- GINA: Larry, it's Gina.

- Who?
- GINA: Stu's wife.

- He had a stroke.
- Oh!

Yeah, right, right.

- How's he doing?
- GINA: Not great, Larry.

Touch and go.

- I'd love to have lunch
with you tomorrow. - Lunch?

GINA:
There's something very important I need to talk to you about.

- Me?
- GINA: Yes.

Thank you so much, Larry.

I'll send you the information.
You're on the text chain, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, the text chain.

GINA: That text chain
is a blessing.

I'm so glad you're on it.

Yeah, I read that quote

about resilience
that your cousin sent.

- It was very moving.
- GINA: I'll see you tomorrow.

All right.

? (DRAMATIC
OPERA MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(SIGHS)

(MOANS)

Claustrophobic. The middle seat.
No room. No room!

Ah! I can't breathe.
Middle seat! Can't breathe!

- (WHIMPERING)
- Hey, Jeff. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

Get me out of the middle!
Get me out!

- SUSIE GREENE: Jeff, wake up!
- (SCREAMS)

Wake up!
You were having a nightmare.

I think it was about the flight.

- (PANTS)
- You're really bent out of shape

about this flying
to Raleigh, huh?

- I guess I am. I--
- SUSIE: Yeah. You know what, honey?

If you're so worked up
about this

that you're having nightmares,
it's a sign you should not come.

- You really think so?
- Yeah, I really think so.

Take a deep breath
and get some sleep, okay?

- Yeah.
- I've got a busy day tomorrow.

Busy day with the Caftans.

? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

GINA: I just saw Stu
at the hospital,

and I'm very worried.

I mean, how could Stu
have a stroke, of all people?

You know Stu.
You know Stu, Larry.

You know, I... (CHUCKLES)
...I really don't know him.

Oh, Larry.
You mean the world to him.

I can't possibly mean anything
to him.

I've never even
had lunch with the guy.

But let me tell you,
I blame Susie Greene

for this situation.

- Susie Greene?
- GINA: Oh, yeah.

The other day, she brought over
this massive tub of foie gras,

but she knows I'm dieting
and watching my weight.

- What a bitch.
- LARRY: She brought it over

just so you'd eat it
and get fat?

Here's the thing.
Stu ate the entire tub himself.

It seems like he was trying
to fill a hole somehow.

Everybody has an Achilles' heel.

An entire tub sounds
like an Achilles' foot.

Well, anyway, let me talk to you

about why I wanted
to meet today.

- Mm-hmm.
- In case Stu doesn't make it,

- he has some requests.
- What do you mean, "requests"?

He wants you to keep
an eye on Olivia.

- Who?
- Our 11-year-old daughter.

(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)

Me, keep an eye
on your 11-year-old daughter?

You gotta be kidding.

I don't know anything
about children.

Who better to step up
at this time than you, Larry?

Anybody in the world.
Go out in the stre--

A homeless person
would do a better job than me.

I'm telling you what he told me.

Well, this is crazy.
I don't like children.

- I've never spoken to a child...
- Oh!

...without contempt in my voice
in my life!

- So, are you sure?
- It's Stu's wish.

- Is this a financial thing?
- No, it's soccer,

homework, boy stuff.

You know, Olivia this week said
she's now identifying as a cat,

and I'm sure you could really
help her with that, Larry.

Well...
Like what? Buy her a litter box?

I mean,
what am I supposed to do?

I think you underestimate
yourself.

Did anybody else
get any requests?

GINA: Well,
he wants Freddy Funkhouser

to take care
of his antique violin.

- What?
- And to sell it.

It was once played
by Jascha Heifetz

- at Carnegie Hall.
- Are you kidding?

Freddy Funkhouser gets
to sell a violin,

and I get
to take care of Catwoman?

- Why didn't I get the violin?
- Oh, they're early!

Hi, sweetie. Aw.

- How did it go today?
- OLIVIA GROSSBARD: Hi.

It was okay today.

We were a cat,
so lots of scratches,

- but she didn't break the skin.
- GINA: Good.

- Uh-huh.
- Olivia,

- I want you to meet Larry.
- Hey! Yeah. (STAMMERS)

Hello, pussycat.

- Ooh! Hello.
- And this is Katie, our nanny.

- Uh-huh. Hey. Hmm.
- Hi.

- Do you like hockey?
- No.

Do you think Puerto Rico
should become a state?

- Who cares?
- Have you ever tasted a beer?

- Gross. I like your sweatshirt.
- Really? Yes, I like it too.

Yeah, but there's something
on the string.

- Hey! What are you doing?
- (LAUGHS)

What was that?
What'd you do that for?

'Cause cats like string.

It's okay. You'll just wear it
without the string.

You can't wear a sweatshirt
without the string.

You ruined
my sweatshirt, Mittens.

? (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ?

? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

Oh, come on. This is impossible.

- It's impossible.
- Yeah. That shit's hard.

It's like trying to put
toothpaste back in the tube.

But dumb motherfuckers
try to put the shit back

in the same little hole
you squeeze it out of.

- Can't go back in the same hole.
- That's what I'm saying.

You cut the bottom
of that bitch open

and put the shit inside
then reseal the bottom.

- This is harder than toothpaste.
- LEON: Know what you gotta do with that?

You gotta moisten
that motherfucker.

Yeah. Like trying
to thread a needle.

Yeah, yeah, lick that shit good.

You gotta get
that bitch in that hole.

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

- (GASPS)
- Ah!

- Ugh.
- Huh!

- (GROANS)
- Ah. No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait a second.

I'm just trying to get
this string in the hole here.

Uh, do you have any tricks?
Any housekeeping tricks?

- No?
- No. No housekeeper tricks.

- Sorry. No. No.
- LARRY: You know tricks? Huh.

Also, one more thing.

I noticed when you put
new toilet paper on,

you always put it on
from the bottom,

so I have to go to the bottom.

I like it from the top.
Rolls out a lot easier.

You can rip it off like that.

LEON: Yep, there's people
who do it from the top.

You know, you roll like this.

And people who do it
from the bottom,

you do it like this,

it's almost as if
you're un-wiping your ass.

- LARRY: Yeah.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- DAHLIA: Can I go now?

- Yeah.
- Bye.

LARRY: Okay.

(SCOFFS) This is--
This is unbelievable.

- Yeah.
- LARRY: It's just so awkward.

You know, sometimes
when you have sex with somebody,

you become
a different person afterwards?

- Yeah.
- Well, we didn't have sex.

- She just caught me having sex.
- Yeah. She's uncomfortable,

but now it's making
you uncomfortable.

She's not cleaning.
She's not doing anything.

I'd like to fire her
but I can't.

I got a trial coming up.

It doesn't look good
that I fired the housekeeper

who saw me having cunnilingus.

LEON: Can't get rid of her ass
'cause you got no basis.

Getting caught eating pussy
is not a basis.

So, you fucked.

- Yeah.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, my God. This text chain.
(CHUCKLES) This text chain.

"Stay strong everybody."

"Remember, after the rain
comes the rainbow.

"Be the reason
someone smiles today."

Oh, fuck you.
(SCOFFS) Ridiculous.

- ? (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ?
- (SIGHS)

Okay, we go for a walk.
Oh, hi. Jeff's not home.

- Huh?
- He just ran out for--

He'll be back in,
like, eh, ten minutes.

(CHUCKLES) What the hell's this?

It's a coyote vest.

They're all over
the fucking neighborhood.

I gotta protect him.
Some people care

if he gets eaten
by a coyote, Larry.

By the way, I just had lunch
with Gina Grossbard.

Oy. That farbissina punim.

She blames you for Stu's stroke.

She thinks-- What, 'cause
I brought over the foie gras?

- Yeah.
- She is so transparent.

Every time she comes here, Larr,

she brings something
from that new French patisserie.

- Eclairs and Napole--
- Yeah.

She's trying to get me fat.

- She wants you to be fat?
- Yes, she does. So I retaliated.

- You retaliated?
- Yeah. Because she's jealous

- that I'm thinner than her...
- Really?

...and I have more style
than her.

- You know, he ate the whole tub.
That night, had a stroke. - That's his problem.

Because he's a fucking pig.

- It's not my problem.
- Really?

Oh, by the way,
you can play golf

with your boyfriend
this weekend.

Why? I thought he was going
to North Carolina.

He is not coming with me.
I can't have it.

He had a dream last night,
Larry.

- A nightmare about the trip.
- What?

And I thought, "If he's having
this much anxiety

over that flight,
better he should stay home."

- I don't need him
having a stroke. I don't-- - He had a dream?

- Yeah, he had a dream, and--
- Just a-- a nightmare?

He was thrashing around.
It's something like that.

- Oh, the poor guy.
- I believe in respecting the unconscious.

Yeah, well, that's just
a surprising turn of events.

- Good for you. Oh.
- Yeah. We're going for a walk.

- Yes.
- Is your outfit anti-coyote?

Very funny, Larry.
Go fuck yourself.

You don't know anything
about fashion.

- Let's go, buddy. (KISSES)
- (DOG BARKS)

? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Oh, hey.
Is this Stu Grossbard's room?

- Yes, it is.
- How's he doing?

It's too early to tell.

- Can I see him?
- Yes, but don't stay long.

- He needs his rest.
- Okay.

- (EKG MONITOR BEEPING)
- (STU GROSSBARD PANTING)

Stu. Hey.

- Larr-- Larry.
- Hey, hey! Stuey!

(GRUNTS) Oh, jeez.

Look at you. What a man
will do for attention, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

- Did you talk to Gina?
- LARRY: I did talk to Gina.

She invited me to lunch,
and, uh, I paid,

which is a little odd
because she invited me.

I'm the invitee.
She's the inviter.

Usually, the inviter pays.

I kind of waited.
I gave her some time,

but it was not forthcoming,
and, you know,

I don't wanna make
a big deal of it.

I don't care, really.
It means nothing to me,

but it's a matter
of common courtesy.

- (SIGHS)
- You would think the inviter

should be the one picking it up.
I-- Listen, again,

I didn't care.
It doesn't matter to me.

But she did bring up
something at the lunch

that I wanted to call
to your attention,

which is in the event that...

you know, God forbid,
the worst transpires...

- (GROANS)
- ...do I have this right, that you want me to keep an...

"an eye"
on your 11-year-old daughter?

Yes, Larry.

And, you know, I met
your daughter at the lunch,

and she pulled the string
on my sweatshirt,

and it was all I could do
to restrain myself from yelling,

"You fuck!"

- That's what I wanted
to say to your daughter. - Uh, right.

She pulled the string out.
The sweatshirt's ruined.

She's curious.
You're passionate.

It's all right.
It's a good combination.

I'm not being modest

when I tell you
that I don't really think

I'm the right person
for this job.

- You are, Larry. You are.
- LARRY: You know who would be perfect for this?

Freddy Funkhouser.

- No.
- Oh, yes.

Freddy Funkhouser,
who loves prepubescent girls.

And I mean that in a good way.

He's very excited
to be around them.

And, of course, again,
I mean that in a good way.

This has got Freddy written
all over it.

Freddy's the violin man.

I don't know why
I'm not the violin man.

I grew up taking violin lessons.

Larry, I just know

that you're the right man
for the job.

You must have me confused
with a normal person.

You are the person for Olivia.
You understand?

Okay, Stu. I...

I respect your decision.

STU: Okay. (SIGHS)

That puts me at ease. (SIGHS)

(EXHALES, EXCLAIMS)

You're carrying a flask now?

Eh, you know,
I take a couple of nips.

I take a nip here,
a nip there, you know.

I nip away at it,
and then, hopefully,

I won't have
to drink again tonight.

But I feel good. I like it.
So what? You know.

(BURPS) Excuse me.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(COUGHS, CHUCKLES)
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Will you look at the tuchus
on this one?

Hey, you know what?
Is she coming in here?

She giving you sponge baths,
this one? Huh?

Yeah,
she takes care of me, Larry.

I'm not even sure
if she's wearing a bra.

- Am I right, Stu?
- Um...

(LARRY EXHALES)

- STU: Maybe you're--
- Oh, boy.

Maybe you're right, Larr.

- Freddy's the right person...
- (LARRY SCOFFS)

- ...for Olivia.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

And you're-- you're
the right person for the violin.

So, yeah, yeah,
you wanna flop us?

- Yes, I'm gonna flop you, Larry.
- LARRY: Okay.

I got that violin covered.

The violin
is the least of your worries.

You're my friend, Larry.

Good decision, Stu. I gotta run.
I got a violin to sell.

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- ? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

- Hello.
- Hello.

LARRY: Just got out
of the shower

and, uh... (CHUCKLES)

...there are no towels.

It's because I can't deal
with the towels right now.

And why is that?

Because I was holding
the towels...

when you and her were...

- (SIGHS)
- Ah.

- They remind me of the trauma.
- Oh. The trauma?

Yeah, the trauma.

- I'll tell you what.
- What?

(CHUCKLES) Why don't I get
some new towels?

I think I couldn't.

Like, any--
any sort of towels would be--

- You can't even go near towels?
- No, no, I can't.

So, cleaning any towels
in this house

- is traumatic?
- Yeah.

How 'bout when you take
a shower at home and, uh,

- you use your towels?
- Well, those are my towels.

- Oh, so it's just my towels?
- Yeah.

And even the new towels would
be a reminder of the trauma?

But I also noticed that
my clothing hasn't been washed.

That's also a trauma?

You don't believe me
I have a trauma?

Can we get over the trauma
by tomorrow?

I do my best. (SLURPS)

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(LEON SCOFFS)
Look at all this shit.

- (SIGHS)
- This fucking mess.

LARRY: Dahlia can't work
because of the trauma.

Wow. This trauma
is out of control right now.

Yeah. Look at this. No towels.

- I'm wet.
- I took a shower this morning.

I had to dry off
with paper towels.

- This is fucking insane.
- She won't do anything.

She's taking advantage

of the whole situation
right now.

Oh, yes. Completely. Completely.

LEON: I get she saw you
eating pussy,

but it should not affect
your fucking work.

Yeah. I caught my aunt giving
my Uncle Moishe a--

a blowjob
in the back of a Pontiac,

but if they asked me
to go to the movies,

- I just hopped in the car.
- Fuck yeah, you did.

- Same back seat!
- Yeah, same back seat.

You know, I can still remember
those gabardine slacks unzipped!

Yeah. You might even
have got a lollipop that day,

and it still didn't affect you.

Know what I'm saying?
It still didn't--

- Still didn't affect me.
- It still didn't fuck with you.

I did have a crush
on my aunt, though, after that.

LEON: I don't get it, man.
Trauma did that?

Maybe it's some kind
of religious thing.

Is there any mention
of cunnilingus in the Bible?

I don't think
it's in the Old Testament.

Hmm. I don't think
that shit was invented yet.

- That shit didn't start
till the early 1900s, at least. - No, I don't think so.

Columbus got it
from the Indians,

brought it back
to Spain with grapefruit.

Somebody had to be the first.

There was a cunnilingus pioneer
out there.

We don't know who it was.

They should get some credit
for that.

Put that motherfucker on--
on the Mount Rushmore

of-- of pussy eaters.

They all got their tongue out
and shit. You know what I mean?

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- That's how the fuck you do it.

- Honor these motherfuckers,
right? - I'll get it.

Somebody had to start it.

Nah, fuck that.

- LARRY: Who is it?
- FREDDY: It's Freddy!

(GROANS, MUMBLES)

Hey! There's my guy.

- Okay if I come in?
- Uh... (HESITATES) Yeah.

FREDDY: Great to see you,
old friend.

Boy, it does my heart good
to see an honest face.

I think it comes down
to just loyalty

and someone who's genuine,
who you can count on.

Because that's what
makes a friend.

Anyway, anything on your mind?

Anything you wanna tell a friend
to his face?

- No. I don't...
- No?

Mm.

I gave you a chance to address
the fact that you fucked me.

Yeah.
You took me off the violin,

and you shoved the kid
down my throat,

- and you fucked me, L.D.
- I couldn't do it.

You know what the worst thing
about this whole thing is?

Is that you did it
with my own flask.

You took something elegant,

something classy
and sophisticated like my flask,

and you shoved it up my ass,
and you reamed me with it.

- It was a good idea, though.
- FREDDY: What you did is terrible.

But it was a good idea.

This is a first-degree,
premeditated fucking.

You know what makes it
even worse?

Is you don't have any remorse.
You're a sociopath.

You fucked me in cold blood,
and you're a monster.

And now I have
to accept the fact

that you're wired
like a fucking lunatic.

I can't take care of kids!
I hate kids!

I'd rather have roaches
in my bathtub as pets

- than take care of a kid!
- And I'm fucking Mary Poppins?

You're a very affable
and genial fella!

You could do a much better job
than I can!

- You have a knack!
- What? No!

My humor's way
too sophisticated for a child!

Yes, you are.
You always take time for people!

- No, I don't! I make no time!
- You're completely courteous!

I can't even believe
the way people talk

about you behind your back!

-"Oh, that Freddy Funkhouser!"
- FREDDY: You know what?

"He's the nicest guy
I've ever met!"

Oh, my God! I'm the nicest guy?

People always say
how lovely you are!

- Nobody says that!
Nobody says that! -"Oh, he's so funny!

Larry brightens the party!"

Nobody's said a decent word
about me my entire life!

What, are you crazy?
People love you!

I don't even say
decent words about me!

Yes, I do!
I say it all the time!

I say,
"He's honest, he's loyal!"

I won't say it anymore!

It was a terrible thing
that you did.

My one regret
is that I had to use your flask.

FREDDY: Oh, no, no, no, no.

That may be your first regret,
but that's--

that's not gonna be
your only regret.

There's gonna be
a series of regrets,

because if you think
I'm gonna take a nap

while you fuck me, you're crazy.
I'm awake.

- This thing's only just begun.
- Oh, really?

And I'm about to roll over
and do some fucking myself.

That guy could be dead
any second.

You're getting fucked
pretty soon.

I don't know what you think
you're gonna do.

FREDDY: I'm gonna roll over
and fuck you.

LARRY: That guy thinks
I'm an alcoholic!

Freddy? What are you gonna do?

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

? (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ?

LARRY: Oh, for God's sake.

Ah, this chain! This chain!

? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

Stu, you all right?

I came full throttle
from Cabazon,

from the outlet store.

- I'm glad to be with you.
- My friend, Freddy.

Can I cheer you up
with some pretty good news?

I think I got a couple leads
on the violin.

Uh, you talked to Gina?

No, no,
I'm getting a bidding war going.

I can't do it, Freddy.
I gotta switch it up.

You gotta take Olivia.
Larry's gonna sell the violin.

You wanna have a nest egg
for Olivia,

you need me moving that violin.

- And Larry's great with kids.
- I don't know about that.

He's super comfortable
with really young girls.

Not in a bad way, but nice,
like laughing and joking.

He's like a porcupine.

He puts those things out
and is prickly

'cause he wants
to keep people away,

but he puts 'em down
for the kids,

and he brings those kids in,
he gives 'em a nice, snug hug.

He holds on to 'em super tight.
Not in a bad way.

They love to cuddle with him
because he smells good,

and he's always got
a clever line he whispers.

He's playful. The girls love it.

They sit and laugh,
and, you know,

it's a little push,
a little pull, and...

Not in a bad way,
but they connect.

I appreciate everything
you're saying.

If I was gonna pick someone,
I'd pick Larry David.

I made up my mind.

I think you're missing
the big picture here.

Larry is selling the violin,

and you are keeping an eye
on Olivia.

And that's my final word,
Freddy.

If that's what you want,
then I'll honor that.

- It is.
- (YAWNS)

I'm sorry. I'm exhausted.
I've had the, uh, sun in my eyes

since I've been driving
from the outlets.

- You mind if I take a seat?
- No. Go ahead, Freddy.

- (FREDDY SIGHS) It just hit me.
- I want you to stick around.

(YAWNING) I'm so tired.

I think I'm about
to fall asleep on my feet.

You mind if I rest my eyes?

No. I think I'm gonna go
to sleep too, Freddy.

- ? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ?
- (SNORES)

(SNORES)

You don't need
to finish high school.

You need to pay your dues

at the mattress store
in Temecula.

? (DRAMATIC OPERA
MUSIC PLAYING) ?

FREDDY: You want a book?

Next thing is
you're gonna be wanting socks.

And take off that skirt,
you look like a whore. (INHALES)

I said take it off!

(SNORES) It's not hard
to make friends.

It's just nobody likes you.
(SNORES)

It's a pocketknife.

You're supposed
to cut yourself sometimes.

That's how you learn.

(SNORING)

You shit in the bucket,
you clean the bucket.

Those are the house rules.

Who cares
if it's your birthday?

We go to cockfights.
That's what this family does.

- It's tradition. (SNORES)
- Freddy.

You'll come out of the basement
when I'm good and ready.

- Freddy.
- Hey, you're fat.

- You're fat!
- Freddy!

- (GROANS)
- STU: Freddy.

Hey. Ah. What's going on?

So sorry.
I was having the craziest dream.

- (GROANS)
- STU: Yeah, I know.

- FREDDY: I was exhausted.
- I've changed my mind.

- You're back on the violin.
- ? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

- You're flopping?
- I'm flopping.

All right, well,
that's what you want,

that's what it is.
I'll be sure to let Larry know.

I'd love to stay,
but I got a Zoom in Vacaville

with one
of my mattress shops, okay?

You're the best, Freddy.

And, um,
don't worry about that violin.

- I'm moving it.
- Bye.

- ? (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ?
- (GROANS) Very busy tongue.

Ah!

(SPEAKS SPANISH, RETCHES)

(IN ENGLISH) Awful.

Head and legs.

Bald head, moving up and down.

- (MOANS)
- (MIMICS MOANING)

- (GASPS)
- (LARRY MIMICS GASPING)

(YAWNING)
I must have fallen asleep.

- Oh, what happened?
- I was having a nightmare.

Oh, yeah, sounds like it.
You poor thing. Are you okay?

Maybe bec--
because of the trauma.

Okay. Let me tell you something.

You're using the dream scheme
on the wrong guy.

I invented it.

I can't forget what I saw.

This is over.
I don't wanna fire anybody,

but I will fire,

and I'll hate myself
for doing it.

But if you don't
come in tomorrow and work,

I'm gonna do it. Okay?

And take your feet
off the couch.

- ? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?
- LARRY: Hey, Leon!

I'm gonna go get that violin!

- Take care.
- ? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

- Larry.
- Yeah.

Waylan Grossbard.

- Do I know you?
- I'm Stu's cousin

from the family text chain.

Oh. Oh, yeah, the text chain.

WAYLAN GROSSBARD: Yeah,
we love that you're on there.

- I noticed you haven't
really been very active on it. - Yeah.

- No.
- Barely replying

- at all, actually.
- Yeah, uh...

Well, we're noticing it's really
been helpful for everybody,

- keeping us in the loop...
- Has it? Is it? Really? Is it?

...and sort of positive spirits.

- Is it helpful?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, you think so?
- Yeah. I don't know if you saw.

My niece sent a great photo

- of Stu and her by the lake.
- Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah.
That was really, uh...

- cute.
- Cute.

Yeah.

You think you're too good
for the chain?

You know what? Waylan?
Is that your name?

- Yeah.
- I do.

I think I'm too good
for the chain.

Oh. I'm sorry you don't wanna
help your friend.

- Help?
- You know, it takes minimal effort

just to reply.

Even a "ha-ha" or a thumbs up--

Oh, really?
Are there funny things on there

- that require a ha-ha?
- I mean--

If you read through it,
there's a lot of--

- Can I be honest with you?
- WAYLAN: Please.

I'm overwhelmed by this chain.

Every two minutes it's, "Ding!"

I'm getting a ding.
I'm getting a ding.

Too many dings! And what is it?
It's just these ridiculous,

inspirational sentiments
that amount to nothing.

They're all trite.

I don't even know why
people bother to write them!

- It's been a really hard time
for the family, so-- - You want me to give it a ha-ha?

- A ha-ha?
- Or a heart.

That's also an option.

But it seems like
that's too much for you.

You know what's too much for me?

This chain is too much for me.
I want off this chain.

Once you're off the chain,
you can't get back on the chain.

Oh, don't.
Don't say that. Really?

I would text this to you,
but I know you won't read it,

so here's the real-life emoji.

- There you go.
- Oh! I'll give that a ha-ha!

- No, ha-ha to you.
- Ha! Ha-ha!

- Ha-ha to you, sir.
- LARRY: Ah, ha-ha!

You know, you're a real asshole.

- Oh, I'm an asshole?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh, I'm an asshole.
- WAYLAN: Yeah.

I'm the one writing--
I'm the one writing,

"Tough times remind us
that our spirits are strong!"

- Yeah, I wrote that!
- Yeah, I know you did!

Well, heart it if you like it!

- Yeah, I'll heart it.
- Oh, is that an emoji?

- LARRY: Smiley--
- That's a nice smiley face.

- Yeah. Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh. Oh, the praise hands.

- So you know the emojis,
you just won't use them. - LARRY: Praise-- Praise hands.

WAYLAN: Oh, nice. A thumbs-up.

- Well, ha-ha to you, sir.
- LARRY: Ha-ha!

Ha-ha to you. Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you. Fuck you.
- Oh, ho-ho!

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Larry! What a surprise.
- ? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

Hi. Um, you know,
I thought I'd come over

and, uh, pick up the violin.

You know, I don't want
to appear insensitive,

- but, you know, just in case.
- Oh. No.

I'll get--
I'll get a head start on things.

No, there's no need.
Freddy's here.

- What?
- Stu made a change.

Freddy's taking the violin.

- Are you-- What?
- Yeah.

- Hey! Hey!
- (DOOR CLOSES)

LARRY: What are you--
What are you doing?

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing?

I'm fulfilling my obligation
to Stu.

- You don't get the violin.
- FREDDY: Listen to me--

- I get the violin.
- Listen. No, no, no, no.

Stu put me
in charge of the violin.

LARRY: No,
I think you're mistaken.

- What's going on?
- Doesn't Stu want me--

Freddy went to see Stu
at the hospital,

and he got tired,
he fell asleep,

and he had these nightmares
about raising Olivia.

Oh! (LAUGHS) Really?

I wonder
where you got that from!

He was having nightmares!
It's all bullshit!

There's no nightmares!

- It's a nightmare con!
- (DOOR OPENS)

And I know,
'cause I invented it!

- It's a scam!
- What! A scam?

You invented the nightmare con?

Jeff's dream
was all a fucking lie?

- No, but he-- I--
- Oh, I am so on to you

and your little friend Jeff.

Well, I didn't put him up to it.

Oh, man, I'm gonna kill
that fat motherfucker!

Oh, I brought you a kale salad
as a peace offering.

You know,
it hardly has any calories.

And I'm gonna
fucking kill him, Larry!

And it's gonna be your fault!
Enjoy.

- ? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?
- (DOOR SLAMS)

LARRY: No, no, no!
Don't even think about it!

- FREDDY: I move the Heifetz!
- Don't! No, no, no, no!

- They want me to have it!
- Give me the fucking thing!

- Give it to me!
- GINA: Stop it!

Stop it! Put it back!
Put it back and get out!

? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

All right.

? (PLUCKS VIOLIN) ?

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

(GASPS)

Get out!

I don't want either one of you
taking care of anything!

You have a lovely home.

We'll, uh...

We'll talk on the text chain.

(STRING WHIPS)

Okay.

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(BOTH SIGH)

- Not bad. Yeah?
- Eh.

- You know what?
- Hmm?

I think you would've been
a much better dad.

- Are we talking
in all seriousness? - LARRY: In all seriousness.

You would've been
a hell of a father.

LARRY: Are you kidding?

Social workers would've
descended on the house

within two weeks.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- (EXHALES)

Oh. Hi.

- I'm Renee.
- Yeah.

- We met.
- I remember.

Hey, listen.
About the other day,

I know it was really awkward,

but it's not even
really my thing.

You know? It's Larry's thing.

- He really likes that. I mean--
- Yeah.

Anyway, uh, where's Larry?

- He's not here.
- RENEE: Got it.

Well, I'm gonna leave this here
for him,

because someone from the gallery
is gonna be by later

to box it up before the showing,
but I-- I wanted him to see it.

- (GRUNTS)
- I take it.

Okay. Do you need some help?

- ? (QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES) ?
- Guess not.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE RUMBLING)

- (BABY CRYING)
- ? (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

- (CART RATTLES)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Excuse me.
Could I have a-- a water?

PILOT: (OVER SPEAKER)
This is your pilot speaking.

I'm sorry to report that due
to some inclement weather

in the Raleigh-Durham area,

this flight is being diverted
to Greensboro.

- (PASSENGERS GROAN)
- PILOT: Ground control has informed me

that we'll be able to bus you
to your final destinations.

? (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ?

So he jumped
right into Sheepshead Bay.

- Can you believe it?
- (LAUGHS) Oh, no, that's crazy.

? ("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ?

What the fuck?

(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

? (THEME MUSIC CONTINUES) ?

? (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

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