All language subtitles for Animal Control s02e02 Cats and Monkeys.eng

Yeah, so sloth's climbing up
Wall Three,

one of our most popular climbs.

When did he start his ascent,
last week?

Over here.

Up there.

We had a kid's birthday
party yesterday.

I think the petting zoo guy
must have forgotten him.

Oh, did they use Heavy Petters?
We get a lot of calls.

Real sloppy with
their head count.

Oh, little dude's on the move.

[dings bell]

He's getting cocky.

Shred, strap me in.

Frank, let me flag
this one more time.

Are you sure you don't
want me to climb?

Shred, look at him.

I'm just worried about you
overdosing on cuteness

and losing all your faculties.
I got this.

Hurry, Frank!
I think he's losing his grip!

Mmhmm. The yelling helps.

Oh, [grunts] yeah.

Hi, buddy. I'm Frank.
It's ok.

Yeah, come on over here
nice and easy.

Oh, alright. Well, um...

He likes the clip, Frank.

Oh, look. It's shiny.

Ok, ok.

No, no, no, no, no!

Ahhhhh!!!!!

[thud]

Are you ok?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The phone and keys
broke my fall.

[squawks]

[upbeat theme music]

?

What are you giggling at?

Teresa.

She sent me a video of her
getting knocked over by a wave.

She's very self-deprecating.

Who's Teresa?

One of the women
I'm texting with.

One of the women?

Yeah. I joined a couple of those
dating apps

and maybe it's 'cause
I posted a picture

of me with a baby giraffe

but I'm getting a lot
of messages.

I feel like it was just a week
ago you were so heartbroken

over Emily you couldn't finish
your French toast sticks.

I'm done wallowing, Frank.
I'm done with it.

Man was not put on this earth
to wallow.

Hey, if you had a dazzling text
rapport with someone

would you be willing to travel
to Bainbridge Island?

It's a long way away,
I have to take a ferry,

but I think it makes
a statement.

Well, it's a big opportunity
for her to meet

the most exhausting person
on the planet.

[Emily] Precinct 22
adoption update:

we just found a home
for the goat,

so that makes 68 pets
this quarter.

Our kennels are
officially empty.

Alright.

[Emily] Congratulations.

How many did Templeton's
broke ass precinct have?

As of this morning, 75.

Wait, so we don't have a chance
at the ping pong table?

There's only two days left.

Why did you present this
as a win?

Ok, well we're second in
all of Seattle

so we're going to get
the pizza lunch.

But I don't want
the pizza lunch.

I want the table.

Alright, well it's not
about winning,

it's about the animals'
well-being.

Oh, you think the animals
want Templeton to win?

No, they want justice,

and justice is me
winning that table.

I mean us, the collective me.
I just wanna play ping pong!

Ok, bye, Frank.

[Operator] Thank you
for contacting

US Citizenship and
Immigration Services.

Your call will be answered
by the next available agent.

Yes, I know, because
you've told me 700 times.

[humming]

Don't.

-Gotcha.
-Don't you dare.

-I don't like this part.
-Stop.

Is that a French horn?

[Dispatch] All units:
Police requesting back-up

at 146 Broadway.

It's a French horn.
Truck 8 responding.

[Operator] Thank you
for contacting

US Citizenship and
Immigration Services.

This is torture!
I just need a green card!

Why are you making this
so difficult?

[humming]

Don't.

Hey, officers Flea and Tick.

[chuckles] Oh my god,
you are so funny.

Those improv classes are really
paying off, Jimmy.

What've we got?

Hoarder died alone.
A lot of toasters.

A lot of cats.

How many cats?

I don't know, man.
Like 400?

They wouldn't stay still
for a head count.

They're all gonna need homes.

You know what else needs a home?
That ping pong table.

Up top, Shred.

Yep.

Alright, let's go, guys.

[meowing]

Hi.

Ewww, this place freaks me out.

Yeah, I don't wanna toot my own
horn but this is exactly

what I thought a hoarder's house
would smell like.

Classic Frank boast.
No way to verify it.

Just breathe in.

[yelps]

Don't do that!

Sorry.

Who keeps a headless mannequin
in a hallway, dude?

What?

There are dozens of jars
of urine in the other room

and this gives you pause?

Guys, remember that hoarding
is a disease

according to this pamphlet
I found

in a pile of pamphlets
about hoarding.

[yelps]

[Patel laughs]

That is not cool!

Dude.

What? Just 'cause an old lady
died here doesn't mean

we can't have a little fun.

Can anyone else hear that music?

I can't tell whether it's real
or whether it's in my head.

I totally hear it.

'Cause it's music playing, guys.

-Hello?
-[cats meowing]

Is anybody home?

[laughs]

[keyboard music playing]

Well, I hope you guys
feel silly.

[meows]

What is it?!
Is it undead?

Away demon! Off!
Get it off!

I think we just added
to the urine smell.

Get it off!

Too bad she didn't hoard
cleaning products.

Sure, it's got a bit of
deferred maintenance,

every surface is sticky,
but it's got good bones.

A savvy investor could come
in here and make a killing.

Look at this. [knocks]
That's original red oak.

Right.

Is that a working fireplace?

Ooh, I just got confirmation
from Bainbridge Island.

I'm now fully booked
for the week.

You gotta get on one
of these apps, Frank.

Dating apps are for losers.

I get heaps of action
from those apps.

Dating apps are for losers
and illegal aliens.

Oh, burn.

Let's get these cats out of here
and go win a ping pong table.

[Patel] Yeah, working!
Maybe I should invest.

I think you're changing
the subject.

The subject was and always
will be ping pong.

You changed it.

Yeah, but I've known you
a year and a half,

you've never been
in a relationship,

I just think it's weird.

Look, I got ghosted
by the same woman twice.

And my dentist, also a woman,
she keeps rescheduling,

so I'm just gonna take
the spring off.

Frank, you're not getting
any younger.

And don't you wanna meet a nice
lady who can help you

get on and off the toilet?

Yeah, you know, one more comment
like that and I'm calling ICE.

I'm just saying you have
to be careful,

because this situation
could be you.

Lonely, tall man, dies
surrounded by his cats.

Ok.

I think it might already
be too late.

[meowing]

My legs are so well-defined they
think it's a scratching post.

Sure.

Alright everybody, listen up.

We have been given a gift
with these cats.

A screeching, clawing
gift from the gods.

What is going on
with these phones?

Immigration.

That is a French horn, right?

What's your excuse?

Bainbridge Island fell out
and I have to fill her slot.

Let me rephrase that.

Frank, is now a good time
to speak to you

about an investment opportunity?

No.

Because I am on Zillow right
now, excellent school district,

it practically sells itself
to a young family,

not to mention a peekaboo view
of the Space Needle.

I wouldn't even go in on a bag
of M&M's with you,

let alone a hoarder's house.
We need to focus.

There is a ping pong table
at stake.

Sure, I could just buy one,
but it's not about that.

It's about beating Templeton.

We have until end of
business Friday

to get this product
out the door.

Ok, Frank, just a reminder
they're neglected cats,

not product, and it's, you know,
less about speed,

more about finding them good,
loving homes.

Totally.
Three of them are siblings.

So we could probably put those
in one package

and that would leave us
with ten units.

Officer Dudge approaching,
should I deny entry?

-Yeah.
-Yes.

No, it's fine, Bettany.

Ok, not sure if you heard,
we unloaded the beagle

with the infected anal glands.

So next question:
deep dish or thin crust?

I'm not hungry now after hearing
about that beagle situation.

That ping pong table
is gonna fit nicely

next to the Sno-Cone machine
we won last quarter,

and at some point, Emily,
this is about your leadership.

Or lack thereof.

Ok, you're not gonna make me
feel bad about this, Templeton.

I might.

And you're awfully quiet, Frank.

Don't worry, I'm screaming
plenty of things at you

in my head.

There's that snark,
that wry smile.

Alright, backhand, slice.

Bye.

All clear.

Ok, we're changing tactics.
We're gonna win.

I am so sick of that jerk
just always gunning for my job

and I need to wipe the smug
little smile off of his face.

I like petty, competitive Emily.

Yeah, she's sexy.
A little bit naughty, even.

And I'm not allowed to say this
stuff at work

so maybe I'll get disciplined.

I'm really sorry about that, I-
I've switched birth control

so I'm feeling a bit crazy.

Ok, we need a plan.

I think we all know
what we have to do.

Oh, here we go.

-Any excuse.
-Love it.

-She loves it.
-Love it.

I'm sorry, what do
we have to do?

We have to dress the cats up

and put pictures of them
on our website.

And I should probably be
in charge of costume theme.

We're not doing the
Jane Austen thing again.

Why not?
It was so cute.

The lizard in the bonnet
sat there for five months.

And two of those months
it was dead.

But it was cute.

Ok, I am gonna pull rank
that I don't have.

Wild West theme, everybody.

Sheriffs, cowboys,
maybe a little bordello.

Yes!

That is what we're doing.

I love the wild west.

Yosemite Sam was always
my favorite Loony Toon.

Everybody knows that
Bugs Bunny was the best.

I'm not having this
argument again.

Pepe LePew?

Cancelled.

Always ignored.

[arguing]

I can work with Wild West,

I'm seeing lots of cotton
bloomers and bolo ties,

so you two,
I need you on art supplies.

I need you two on teeny-tiny
cat costumes.

Ok. We need to make these cats
as adorable as possible

as fast as possible.
-Yeah.

Let's go, everybody. Let's go.

Right now?

Claws become features.

The three-legged cat needs
to have a Civil War costume,

give him a back story.
Let's go!

[phone buzzing]

[Shred] Bainbridge Island
is back in!

Uh, don't use office hours
for trivial nonsense.

You're supposed to be
ordering tiny cowboy hats.

I don't know if I can
trust her now.

I'm gonna double book a date
just so I have a back-up plan.

Shred, I don't wanna get
involved in your emotional life,

I've been consistent
and unwavering in that,

but you seem a little nuts
with the dating.

Oh, you and my mother.

That's what she thinks,

that I haven't processed
all my feelings for Emily.

Well, process this: boo hoo.

You know what?
You and your mom covered it.

I'm gonna tell you
what I told her.

Don't clip my wings, mom.

I'm flying into a world of
unknown romantic

slash sexual opportunities.

[Dispatch] Truck 12. Business
owner reporting missing animal.

3247 Kinley Street.

Truck 12 responding,

Officer Shaw and his unhinged
passenger on their way.

[Patel] Frank is a great guy.

I mean, if I had one
constructive criticism

it would be that his dreams,
they're small.

Not like you and me.

Others see storm clouds,

we see an opportunity
to invent the umbrella.

We get it.

I'm not investing in
no disgusting house.

And if it's so great,
why don't you just buy it?

Well, I've sunk
a lot of liquidity

into children's piano lessons.

Oh my gosh, I'm next in line.
This is very exciting.

I've been on hold
for literally hours.

This is very unfortunate timing.

No!!!!

[Frank] Oh boy.

A psychic who can't find
their own pet.

It's gonna be hard for me
to be my best self in there.

So my monkey, Nirvana,

she's the reincarnation
of Kurt Cobain.

That's how she got her name.

Yeah, I put two
and two together.

I got a little ESP of my own.

I know she's going to be ok
because I can see she's safe.

Wanna short cut this
and tell us where she is?

It doesn't work like that.

Of course not.

Hey. We'll alert
the authorities.

Well, actually,
it's actually us.

But don't worry, we will
find your monkey.

You have a kind aura.

Thanks.

Yours is more turbulent.

What gave it away?

My overt hostility,
or that more than once

I've implied that
you're a charlatan?

Hey, can I ask you something?

There's this girl
on Bainbridge Island--

She's not worth it.
Too far away.

Also, she's very indecisive.

Frank, she's good.
Ask her something.

No.

Come on.

Are we gonna win
the ping pong table?

Seriously?
You can ask me anything.

I can see into the future
or communicate with the dead.

Fine.

Reach out to my dead mother
and ask her

if she thinks we're gonna win
the ping pong table.

You're at a crossroads in life.

I can only see one path clearly

and it's a path
of great loneliness.

Have you considered
a dating app?

Just admit you don't know who's
gonna win the ping pong table.

Ping pong is just a distraction.

Underneath you don't think

there's someone out there
for you.

You've given up on love.

I just got a chill.

That chill is because strip mall
medium here can't afford heat.

And she lost an entire monkey.

Alright, let's go.

Thank you.

[Frank] This bartender looks
like my uncle Jimmy.

Holy crap, I think it's working.
Getting a lot of likes.

Really?

Here we go.

Ok. Some family wants to adopt
Billy the Kitten

and the hairless call girl.

[gasps]
Yes!

Still no takers on
the hairy call girl.

[knocking]

-Emily?
-Hey.

Can I help you?

I mean, you've been going
non-stop all day.

Um, yeah, actually could you
hand me that tiny little

hang man's noose for
our cattle wrestler here?

Wow, look at that.
You've got a real creative side.

Thanks.

Ever thought about working
on a bigger canvas?

No, I'm not investing
in your house, Patel.

I'm taking an early lunch.

Ok.

Agent.

Agent.

I'm saying agent!

Officer Dudge approaching.

This is pandering,
whoring your pets.

-Emily's in her office.
-Okay.

This is pandering,
whoring your pets.

I've already registered
my complaint online.

Wait, are you catdignity99?

Yes, I am.

'Cause someone has to speak
for those who have no voice.

Have you ever considered a vow
of silence in solidarity?

Never.

Doesn't your supervisor
ever wonder where you are?

Yeah.

Oh, starting tomorrow

he will be able to find me
at our new ping pong table.

I don't know.

I mean, you wouldn't have come
all this way

if you weren't a little
sweaty and nervous.

You know I have a diminished
thyroid,

so that is workplace harassment.

I can't keep track of all
your shrinking body parts.

Why don't you make a complaint
to one of your cat forums?

Maybe I already did.

-Oh, you did?
-Yeah.

Oh, what did it say?

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow,

he was mean to me.

Hey, Shred.

Hey, what's up?

Hey yo, how come you haven't
asked me to invest yet?

Ah, you're a young kid, man.

You don't have that
kind of extra dough.

I mean, you know I had
a lot of sponsors

when I was a snowboarder, right?

Really?

Wait, so would you be
interested in investing?

Oh, I wish I could.

Of course you just build me up
just to cut me down, huh?

Dude, I don't have time
for side projects right now.

I'm dating non-stop.

Let me take you by after work,

you see the neighborhood
at night, no commitment.

Alright, yeah.

I'm always looking for ways
to expand my portfolio.

Yeah. That's it.

Portfolio?

I'm not worried.
We're leading by six

and closing time
is fast approaching.

-[notification alert]
-Oh, boom.

Found a home for
the labradoodle.

Well, I wouldn't get
too confident because

boom, just found a home for
Fluffy Frontier Pharmacist.

[laughing] That was a picture
of a cappuccino.

We will find a home for
Fluffy Frontier Pharmacists!

And all of the citizens
of Cat Town.

Feels very desperate, people.
Very desperate.

That's an ace.

That's a slice.

[Victoria] Put a freaking agent
on the phone.

Bam!

[Patel] Look at this.
Sycamore lined streets,

I mean, this place just has
all the intangibles.

Oof, there she is, right
in the middle of the block.

What're all those people
doing there?

Is that an open house?
That's not in the MLS.

You think they're doing
a pocket listing?

Look at those beams.

Welcome, I'm Ben.

Ah, you must be
the listing agent.

Hi.

Uh, no.
I'm Audrey's son.

So help yourself to some food

and the rabbi will begin prayers
in a few minutes.

Oh. There's been a huge
misunderstanding.

I'm so sorry, we thought
this was an open house.

I am so sorry for your loss.
That is just devastating.

But in regards to the house

have you guys come up
with an asking price?

Not that there's-
that's not for today.

No, for today is about
your mother.

We're-- um, we're gonna--

Wait.

Don't go.

My mother didn't have
many friends

and we need ten people
for a minion.

[singing Hebrew prayer]

Please be seated.

[Hebrew prayer]

The house is great
for entertaining.

Ten in the living room,
no problem?

We come in low
but we come in fast.

[phone ringing]

Hello, Templeton.
Are you calling to concede?

I know you cheated.
We were up by three at 4:45.

That ping pong table should
be ours, Frank!

What can I tell ya?

An animal lover came in
right before the bell.

But you still got that
pizza lunch, right?

What is it, two medium pies
for 30 people?

That sounds like fun.
Enjoy the stampede.

I'm launching a
formal investiga--

Alright guys, let's not get
too comfortable, ok?

This isn't permanent.

You're leaving when we find you
new homes.

Except for you, Doc Whiskers.
Obviously you're staying.

Because I love you,
and I've always loved you.

I sure do.

Hey, what do you ladies
wanna watch, huh?

What's happening to me?

[beeping]

I can't talk, I'm on hold.

Mock me all you want,
I need your help.

I need you to get me
on those dating apps.

Aren't those for losers?

Oh, absolutely.

And I am ready to join
their ranks.

I'll be right there.

[meow]

I know.

I was so embarrassed, you know?

And then my mom came
to pick me up from school

with a brand new baseball glove.

Which she probably has
in the basement somewhere

along with every pair of cleats
I've ever owned.

[chuckles]

She has a hard time
letting go of things.

Now I'm having a hard time
letting go of her.

Thank you, Ben.
That was beautiful.

Beautiful.

Would anyone else like to share?

I would.

What?

Uh, being with all of you
has made me very aware

of how hard it is to lose
someone you love.

To know that you can never
be together.

To know that your life
is forever changed.

To know that she's with
someone else now.

And the odds of finding somebody
with a radiant beauty

that likes dressing cats
in adorable outfits

is pretty much zero.

And I've been running from
my feelings for a while,

but the truth is I'm just
really, really sad.

I'm sad.

[sniffles]

Thank you.

You save animals for a living.

I-- I don't understand
why you're fighting it.

I think most women would
find that very appealing.

There's so much more
to me than that.

I'm a deep thinker.

I'm a graduate of
the school of life.

Do you wanna add celibate
to the list?

Look, it's very simple, Frank.

You are six foot four,
you don't have kids,

you save animals for a living.

It wouldn't hurt to mention
your shoe size, they look big.

Can you at least add that I'm
a bourbon and scotch enthusiast?

Yeah, sure.
Drinks too much.

Why don't we just lead
with that?

Alright, just say whatever
you want.

But don't use the photo of me
and the baby giraffe.

Oh, it's good actually.

Yeah, my hair looked
good that day.

Vain.

You alright? You got pretty
emotional in there.

Yeah.

I mean, you probably
already know

but I'm having some trouble
getting over Emily.

Totally. Emily.

Honestly, I did not know that.

Really?

Yeah, you'd be surprised at
how self-centered I can be.

Oh. Well, yeah.

I guess I thought I was ready
to start dating

but I'm just not, man.

You'll get there, buddy.

Thanks.

You know what might be nice?

Hmm?

Just throw yourself
into a project.

Something with incredible
upside potential.

You really are self-centered.

You have no idea.

Why do you want this house
so bad, anyway?

Well, Maya is on bed rest,
my kids are monsters,

I want something that's mine.

I get that, man.

Yeah.

I need something
that's mine, too.

Let's do it.

Really?

Yeah, dude. Let's, like,
let's actually do it.

Are you--?

I'm serious. No, let's be, like,
real estate tycoons.

Yes! Yes!
Let's run this town, baby!

Yeah, dude!

[laughing]

Wait.

Hey, woah, in that tree,
is that a-- is that a monkey?

Ok, are you ready to unleash
your manhood

on the greater Seattle area?

What the hell app did you
sign me up for?

Too late, we're live.

I hope you meet someone great.

I don't have a very
good track record.

No, neither do I.

But I'm a lot younger than you
so I feel like I've got time.

[operator] Citizenship
and Immigration,

what can I do for you?

Oh my god!

No way!
It's a real live actual person!

Hello.

Sorry, um, I just-- uh,
I have questions about uh,

the application process.

[operator] Hold on, let me
transfer you to that department.

Wait, no.
Do not put me on hold--

[growls]
I hate your country!

[operator] Hello, applications?

That was really quick.

Hello?

-Hang on, I'm coming!
-[operator] Hello?

Just wait.

Wait a hot minute, I just
have to find you.

I'm coming.
Do not hang up.

[operator] Hello?

Do not hang up!
Do not hang up!

[dial tone]

[frustrated scream]

Hey, I've already gotten
two matches.

Ah, one's a cousin.

Officer Taylor?

I found your little friend.

That's not my monkey.

I knew this was going to happen.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I
present to you Lady Monkeyton.

[Victoria] She's totally
getting adopted.

[Frank] She's so aristocratic.

It's hard to believe that
just five minutes ago

she was throwing her own feces.

Alright, who wants
to play ping pong?

-[Shred] I'll play ping pong.
-[Frank] Let's go.

[Victoria] Yes.

Lady Monkeyton, you are the most
beautiful eligible monkey

in all of the land.

You might get a proposal soon.

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