Original subtitles

Okay. Thank you, Melanie,

for showing us the inside of your eyelids again.

Okay. Khalil, come on. You're up.

What you got?

For Show-and-Tell, I brought a famous person I saw outside.

Come on in.

Hi, I'm Bradley Cooper. What?

Y-You are Bradley Cooper. Why are you Bradley Cooper?

And why are you here?

Uh, well, whenever I'm in Philly,

you know the deli across the street?

Uh, that's my first stop. My dad used to always take me there.

They have the best hoagies in the city.

[ Chuckles ]

Everybody wanted to take a picture with him,

so I figured he was famous. Yeah, you bet he is.

I'm just texting the other teachers, not paps. That's okay.

Anyway, so when my friend here asked me to come by,

I had a minute, so I thought, "What the heck?"

If you're famous, are you in "Spider-Man"?

I'm not in "Spider-Man,"

but I am in "Guardians of the Galaxy."

No, you're not!

[ As Rocket ] Are you frickin' kiddin' me?

I'm the voice of Rocket Raccoon!

[ Laughter ]

And the face of "Alias."

Not the face of. Yeah, you were the face.

A-And "He's Just Not That Into You."

Well, Janine, that was rude.

No, I-I mean "He's Just Not That Into You"

is my favorite Bradley Cooper film.

It's more of an ensemble,

but if you think about it,

it's Justin Long's movie.

[ Chuckles ] You crazy, Bradley.

Oh, I've been a Cooper Trooper since "Wet Hot American Summer."

Well, you look different in person.

You don't look famous.

Yeah. Shouldn't your teeth be whiter?

They should,

but I can't whiten them because they're too sensitive.

Oh. I just loved you in "The Holdovers."

It was just so heartwarming.

It's "The Hangover," and, no, it's not.

Guys, he's literally in a critically acclaimed film

right now. "Oppenheimer."

Is that the one about Napoleon?

Yes. I don't think so. I'm not in "Oppenheimer."

Are you sure? Everybody was in "Oppenheimer."

Yeah.

Why are there cameras here?

It's a long story, Brad. Bradley.

Um, but, hey, since we have you --

Okay, I-I do you have to get that hoagie, so, um...

but this -- this was so much fun,

and does Khalil get an "A"?

Oh, hell yeah, he does.

Um, can you stay and take just one picture before you go?

Yeah, of course. Okay. Thank you.

Let's do it. Ooh! Get in, get in, get in.

Hey. This is so exciting.

I can't wait to tell everyone at the district.

Oh, you work at the school district? Yeah.

Oh, you know that these schools are criminally underfunded?

It's proven every-- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm working on it.

Let's just take the picture. Okay.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

♪♪

Jacob: Look, guys, I don't know.

She just said she's "dropping by with a special surprise."

Wait, who's coming? Janine?

It's not too late to leave, y'all.

She can't annoy us if we're not here. [ Chuckles ]

Hello! Hi, everyone! Sorry we're late.

But do notice that we are a we, which is exciting.

Please meet Joan from the city.

And you'll remember Elizabeth Washington

from the Education Board.

Okay, what's up? 'Cause last time she was here,

I had to eulogize Gregory at the Educator of the Year thing.

There's my star.

Hey, you never sent me thank you flowers. [ Laughs ]

This is my nightmare.

Literally, she's my sleep paralysis demon.

Abbott Elementary is set to be designated

as a historical landmark in the city of Philadelphia.

We're gonna be a historical place?

Cha-ching! [ Laughs ]

What?

It comes with a discretionary fund

for structural upkeep.

Yeah, that's true.

My great aunt's pastrami shop got designated

'cause Dick Clark looked through the window once.

We've always known how special Abbott is,

but now we're historic.

Like the "Rocky" stairs.

Not quite, as Rocky is a fictional character.

How about we throw you down those stairs,

and you can see how fictional they feel?!

I think she just means like the home of Betsy Ross.

Right? Okay.

Oh, my God, guys,

we're probably going to be a part of walking tours.

Oh, my gosh. Who's gonna give the tour?

Uh, okay. I'll do it. Barbara: Okay.

Abbott is certainly old, but historic?

Willard R. Abbott himself

used this very building as a bomb shelter.

It actually turned out to be a false alarm.

Nevertheless,

a great man cowered on this hallowed ground.

That's right. We're gonna be famous.

Aah! This is so cool.

Working at the district, we treat every school as equal.

But I always knew Abbott was exceptional.

And now the city agrees.

Eat it, all other schools in the district!

[ Chuckles ]

You'll cut that part out, right?

Attention Abbott Elementarians...

it's your captain, Principal Coleman, speaking.

If you're learning, stop.

Abbott Elementary, the school that I raised,

is becoming a Philly historical landmark.

There will be a plaque ceremony honoring our school's

namesake, Willard R. Abbott.

And if that sounds old and dusty to you,

the district is also throwing a pre-party

for us and the neighborhood.

We're partying on the district's tab.

Oh, and there will be pizza.

[ All cheering ]

You're welcome.

Just imagine how many people are gonna be posing

with peace signs out by the plaque.

Oh, no. People do finger hearts now. Like that.

I have to admit, this is impressive.

I already feel more distinguished.

You can't even spell "distinguished."

[ Laughs ]

[ Clears throat ] Barbara, Melissa.

That was your, uh, "This is amazing look," huh?

Right?

I'm so happy you're happy.

But?

No but. There's a but.

I can feel a but.

Damn. You freaky.

[ Door opens ]

But... I knew it.

...Janine, this is just local politics.

It's got nothing to do with our school.

Melissa: Yeah. Plus this is Philly.

I mean, you can't hock a loogie without hitting

something historic around here.

Oh, my God, please.

Just one parade without Barbara clouds and Melissa meatballs.

[ Scoffs ] You wish it rained my meatballs.

And let me remind you, you asked.

Uh, yes, but that was before

when I thought I would like to answer.

No one is saying that meaningless accolades

can't be a win-win, but...

No, it's more like a don't care... ...don't care.

Like I said,

I am so happy you are happy.

Yeah, we're ecstatic. For you.

Okay, well, that's good,

because it is objectively cool

that Abbott won't be able to be overlooked anymore.

You know? We're finally getting the recognition we deserve.

You can't even spell "deserve."

[ Laughs ]

[ Upbeat music playing ] There you go.

Ooh! Hey.

"I 'heart' Willard R. Abbott" cupcakes! You know it.

To match my "I 'heart' Willard R. Abbott" shirt.

I love that. Gregory: You know, I really admire

the commitment to the middle initial,

but does anyone know what the "R" stands for?

Uh, maybe Rashid?

No. Probably -- Probably Robert.

Hello, Abbott Elementary and community!

My name is Elizabeth Washington,

and I am the Chief Education Officer.

I want to thank you all so much for joining us

at this press opp--

[ Clears throat ] ...party.

Party.

And I want to welcome my mentee

and Abbott's own Janine Teagues

to the stage for opening remarks.

[ Applause ]

Um, thank you. Thank you, Elizab--

Thank you, Elizabeth, and thank you, everyone,

for joining us in this celebration.

We have always known how special Abbott Elementary is,

but we are grateful that what we know will now be set in stone.

That's a plaque pun. [ Snorts ]

Thank you, Joan.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

And, finally, I'm gonna give a posthumous thank you

to Abbott Elementary's namesake, Willard R. Abbott,

who famously crawled these very halls

in a historical manner.

Thank you. We love you, Willard!

Elizabeth: Hey! Yes!

Hey. H-Hey, Willard R. Abbott was a racist.

[ Spectators gasp ]

Oh, my. Okay. So, we can't just shout things out

because it's fun to shout. It's true!

Know your history!

Okay. That's -- Easy.

I want everybody to just calm down and take a breath...

Well, now we know what the "R" stands for. ...and then welcome, uh,

dialoguing and different poin--

And when you say racist, you mean like racist racist?

One racist is racist enough, don't you think?

I'm sorry. B.L.A.C.K.S.? What does that even stand for?

Building Love And Creating Kids Safety, obviously.

And don't be trying to change the subject.

Now, Willard R. Abbott was a city planner

and his city plan was to uphold segregation

while red lining all of Philadelphia.

Oh, my God. How did I not know that?

Am I bad at history?

They have all kind of methods for rewriting legacies.

You know, like getting schools named after themselves.

I guess we shouldn't be surprised

that a white man of that era was racist.

And so none of you thought to, like, background-check this guy?

Are you even from Philadelphia?

Yeah, I mean, Joan, did you know about this?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Janine: Guess that tracks.

There are a lot of landmarks in this city

honoring bad men.

And women. No, wait. No.

Ever been on Columbus Boulevard?

Literal state of "Penn"-sylvania.

Franklin Bridge, Franklin Court, Franklin Institute.

My uncle Franklin.

A lot of eggs in that Franklin basket.

This is the nature of history.

It's not all good.

I'm so mad...

at you!

Damn, why did you have to bring this up?

Okay, w-what if we change the school's name to...

um...blanking on people who aren't problematic.

"Doin' Just Fine" Elementary.

We already have 100 school names and mascots

already in line for a makeover,

and the ones that are racist without having to Google

are priority.

And you're looking at at least three to five years.

I'm sorry, Janine. This is too messy. We're out.

No, wait. My clout!

Wait, uh, what if, uh...what if --

Melissa: There's no "what if."

A stupid designation is not gonna change anything

about this school.

Barbara: We didn't have one yesterday.

We don't have one today.

But look on the bright side.

The kids got pizza!

Let's just leave it at that.

Guys, if we give up now, we're named after a racist

and we don't have a plaque.

Level with me, Liz. What can we do?

Well, I mean, the plaque is already made, so you're out of luck.

Unless you can find another Willard R. Abbott of note

and say that the school is named after him.

Janine can do that. I can do that.

Oh, wow.

Uh, so is it not clear I was joking?

Oh, so racism's a laughing matter? Mm-hmm.

[ Scoffs ] Of course not. Great.

So if my minions can find a better Abbott,

can we have the money?

Because I've already mentally spent it

on zip ties, beans, and birth control,

and there's no returns in the apocalypse.

She means, does Abbott get the recognition it deserves?

I [sighs] I guess so.

Chop, chop! To the library!

Yeah.

Go help her! Damn!

What if she needs to reach a book on the middle shelf?

Okay, well, there are definitely more Willard R. Abbotts

than I expected.

Oh, Abbott used to have an indoor pool.

Wait, no.

Apparently the basement flooded in '63

and they just didn't drain it until '71.

Oh, God.

Oh. Wow.

Look at this picture from the district archives.

Hmm. I didn't know Abbott had Black teachers back then.

I didn't know Philly did.

Okay, trailblazing. Hold on.

Did Abbott have a real-life owl as a mascot back in the '80s?

Keep reading.

"World's most rabid owl discovered in local school."

Yeah, that makes sense now. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Oh! Ohh.

How does a book smell bad?

I cannot wait to get my librarian program

off the ground.

Library program?

Yeah. Did I not tell you?

Sorry. I've been so busy.

Okay, team, I'm gonna go see

if I can rustle up anything in admin.

Alright.

Jacob: Look. Research? Absolutely.

But between us, Janine and Gregory...

[ Chuckles ]

...they're like a handsome moth to a cutie-patootie flame.

They've given: they will. They've given: they won't.

Now they're giving: two people that kissed

but decided to just be friends for some Godforsaken reason.

So, yeah.

Figured they should have some time alone.

So...

how has it been at the district?

Oh, it's been great, actually.

Been learning a lot.

It's different, though. Clean.

Isn't that a good thing? You know, you'd think,

but I just miss Abbott's ambience.

Our dirt has a certain...

"Janine" sais quoi.

[ Both laugh ]

So, your, uh -- your library program...

Mm-hmm.

...will there be microfiche?

Of course not.

Never mind. That would be nuts, right?

Yes, Gregory, that would be nuts.

Yeah, I know. I know. But that's amazing, though.

Thanks. Look at you,

programming stuff and taking names.

You're absurd... and thank you.

I'm absurd? Yes.

You're the one with a pin that's a game of tic-tac-toe.

I like this. Yeah, I know you do.

Guys! Guys! I found something.

Both: What?

Well, I found an idea, like, in my head.

Willy!

You can't just say Willy all willy-nilly.

What is...? Short for Willard.

Okay. We searched for Willard R. Abbott

and Bill Abbott, but we didn't search for Willy.

Willy is insane, but okay.

Oh, my God, Willy Abbott, AKA Willard R. Abbott V.

He's a direct descendant.

Environmental philanthropist. Seems promising.

He funds environmental research

and he works to combat misinformation.

He's -- He's -- He's basically a hero!

Okay. Alright, keep looking.

Let's make sure that he's squeaky clean.

He wrote a Medium article... Oh, no.

...denouncing the racist views

of his great-great-grandfather and namesake,

Willard R. Abbott! Hot damn!

He has a contact form on his website.

Let's free Willy. Let's just e-mail him, yeah?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

So, what are we thinking racism-wise?

I can't tell by his outfit.

[ Chuckles ] Good find. He's a charmer.

Thank you guys so much for coming back

and giving us another shot.

Well, the plaque was very expensive, yeah. Yep.

But, um, seems legit. We vetted him.

[ Melissa scoffs ]

At the district, "vet" means checked for a pulse.

You know, another pass wouldn't hurt.

Especially with his demographic.

Ask him if he thinks the moon is a spaceship.

You know what? I'll handle this.

Oh. Hey, Willy, how you doing?

So, I wanted to ask you a couple of questions.

Man, you guys sure are thorough, huh?

Alright. Fill in the blank. "Women are..."

Great leaders. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Thoughts on birds?

Real. And majestic.

Also, go Birds!

Lifetime season ticket order. Yeah.

Where were you on January 6th?!

Hey! Have some decorum.

Oh, my God. Melissa: I got this.

Well?

In a coma actually.

'Cause you fell off a wall?

Medically induced. Tricky wisdom tooth situation.

[ Chuckles ] That is great.

Okay, let's get you up on stage. Great.

Alright.

It is time to introduce our guest...

...good guy philanthropist and the name on this plaque,

Willard R. Abbott V. [ Applause ]

Thank you. Thank you, Principal Coleman.

And you can call me Willy.

Willard's actually better for us.

A school as wonderful as this

shouldn't be named after a man like my great-great-grandfather.

I've spent my life and career

using family money to try

and fight environmental prejudice and inequality,

to right the wrongs of Abbott's past.

[ Scattered applause ] And I accept this honor...

with that pledge in mind.

The world is such a beautiful place,

and we want to keep it that way.

This planet is in desperate need of saving.

[ Applause ]

And there is no place for racism

from one edge of the Earth all the way to the other.

Now, I don't claim to know all,

but I do know that this flat Earth is our home for now.

Excuse me, what?

Yeah. Alright. Let's, um...

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let him cook.

The gravity of this situation is undeniable,

even though gravity itself isn't real.

Okay. [ Laughs nervously ] [ Spectators murmuring ]

This is all Janine's fault.

The Earth is flat?

Yes. No, no, no. No. The Earth is a globe.

It is round, students.

Then explain maps.

Okay, let's go.

Okay.

Janine: No, wait, wait. No.

I'm sorry, Janine. We were never here.

And the moon is a spaceship!

Okay. Told you. Real recognize real.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

You have fun?

Janine.

Don't gloat just yet, please.

I'm going to think of a way to save this.

Just need to sulk for a second.

I'm not here to gloat.

Yeah, we already did that

a few minutes ago behind your back.

Janine, we usually understand where it is you're coming from,

even if we disagree, but we're not really getting this.

Why are you so obsessed with a plaque?

I just love this school so much.

Yes. That's your defining characteristic.

I can't be here every day this year,

and so it's just made it more clear, you know?

These kids, the people in the community who went here,

we all know that this isn't just some school.

It's special.

And I know it was just a plaque,

but... it was validation.

I really wanted that for us.

Well, tell me this.

What makes Abbott special for you?

What we teach, what we learn...

the kids, teachers like you two.

Exactly. A plaque can't convey that.

Yeah. We don't have to prove our worth to anybody out there.

Plus, somebody would've just stolen that plaque

and melted it down and made, like, the perfect,

lightweight meat tenderizer with just a -- a swing...

like a dream.

I-I guess I just thought it was a chance to do something.

What we do is we teach these remarkable students

the best we can with what we have.

And that is what teachers have done here

at Abbott since it opened.

There you go. Now that is special enough.

Thanks, guys.

I would love to sit in this moment with you,

but I just thought of a plan that will fix everything,

ignoring your pleas for me to let it rest.

I love you. Bye.

Now, I'll tell you what he should have been nominated for

was "Failure to Launch."

I thought that was McConaughey.

It's both of them. That's why --

[ Breathing heavily ]

You know, you don't have to run everywhere.

I wasn't running, but I am excited.

Don't tell me there's a sixth Willard.

No. Better.

I'll tell you more when we get there.

Ooh.

I thought it was clear we move in a pack.

To the district archives we go!

Ooh!

I don't know why I was waiting for random people to tell us

that Abbott is important.

I'm Janine Teagues, damn it.

I don't wait for anything.

Except when it's polite. That's just courtesy.

History happens every day, even when it's overlooked,

especially when it's overlooked

and I overlooked some, right in front of us.

Okay.

Um, let me just... real quick.

Oh. Mm, yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm.

No news cameras, no blonde women.

What's with all the pomp and circumstance?

[ Clears throat ]

Over a century and a half ago,

there were no Black teachers in this city.

And in 1862, Banneker Colored School

hired Philadelphia's first Black teacher

in a public school.

He was a pioneer named John Quincy Allen.

Soon after, another school, our school,

hired the first group of Black teachers in the city.

They had no idea what history they were making at the time,

but that was for us to find out.

And now we know.

They came here every day through unimaginable adversity

to teach remarkable students

while doing the very best with what they had.

So we may not have a plaque, but it's okay.

We don't need one,

because it's what's on the inside that counts.

And what's on the inside is us,

and there would be no us without them.

[ Applause ]

That was great, Janine. Thank you.

Yeah, that was really something, hon.

Yeah, it's a cute picture,

but it'd be cuter with some cash on top.

Here is 10 bucks, Ava. Are you happy now?

Yes.

Is that so wrong?

Which one do you think was the Jacob?

None of them. None of them.

Yeah.

Both: Oh

For the last time, stop trying to take my job.

-- Captions by VITAC --

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