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1
00:01:40,470 --> 00:01:42,700
I feel like I don't recognize who I am
anymore.
2
00:01:46,260 --> 00:01:48,060
Like I'm on autopilot or something.
3
00:01:50,250 --> 00:01:51,770
I don't quite know how to describe it.
4
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,120
Try.
5
00:01:56,210 --> 00:01:58,520
It's like I'm watching myself go through
the motions.
6
00:02:00,130 --> 00:02:02,680
Work, home, talking to friends.
7
00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:06,340
The friends I even bother to keep up with
since Paul died.
8
00:02:09,490 --> 00:02:13,680
I feel like I've become acutely aware of
my age and a part of me is like,
9
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,000
why bother?
10
00:02:19,270 --> 00:02:21,900
Why bother with life because you're so
old?
11
00:02:25,650 --> 00:02:27,220
I think it's because I'm a widow now.
12
00:02:28,550 --> 00:02:29,911
There's something about that word.
13
00:02:31,450 --> 00:02:34,620
I associate it with being old.
14
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,960
And your husband was 20 years your senior.
15
00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:42,840
You're still much younger than he was.
16
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,081
Maybe it's because we never had children.
17
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:53,800
Paul didn't want any and taking care of him
was like mothering a child sometimes, so...
18
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:56,660
I never really felt like I was missing out
on anything.
19
00:02:58,930 --> 00:03:01,320
But I never have the milestones that other
people have.
20
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:06,400
No, I... no kids to put through college,
no brain kids.
21
00:03:09,570 --> 00:03:15,420
And I think I lost track
of how old I was getting
22
00:03:15,421 --> 00:03:17,060
until Paul died and now
it's just hit me all at once.
23
00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:25,100
Your identity is so
inextricably tied to his that even
24
00:03:25,101 --> 00:03:27,360
after he died, you're unable
to separate yourself from him.
25
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:35,680
He grew old and he died and by extension
you've grown old and you've died.
26
00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:38,120
Except you're not him.
27
00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:39,780
You're still very much alive.
28
00:03:49,540 --> 00:03:53,840
Now, I know you don't like pills,
but I would like to prescribe you a mild
29
00:03:53,841 --> 00:03:58,640
dose of an antidepressant just to help get
you through the grieving process.
30
00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:27,440
The forecast, plenty of sunshine through
today with seasonal temperatures.
31
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:31,240
We should reach our normal high of about
82 degrees by this afternoon.
32
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,780
Clear skies tonight with a low near 70.
33
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,560
Increasing cloudiness tomorrow,
sticky and humid with a high of 96.
34
00:04:39,150 --> 00:04:44,280
With the winds out of the east at 14 miles
per hour, it's currently 75 degrees.
35
00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:11,140
Good morning class.
36
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,040
Today we are going to talk about Tolstoy's
philosophy on death.
37
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:23,280
So again, the assignment is a four page
essay on Tolstoy's confessions.
38
00:05:24,020 --> 00:05:25,860
Points will be taken off for lateness.
39
00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:46,290
Hey professor, I was
wondering if you had some
40
00:05:46,291 --> 00:05:47,291
extra time to talk about
some of that Tolstoy stuff.
41
00:05:47,590 --> 00:05:49,110
Just like if you could schedule me in.
42
00:05:49,590 --> 00:05:50,666
It's not too much of a problem.
43
00:05:50,690 --> 00:05:53,630
Oh Michael, I would but I
have another class in ten
44
00:05:53,631 --> 00:05:54,790
minutes and I have a few
phone calls I need to make.
45
00:05:55,350 --> 00:05:56,671
Maybe after I finish for the day?
46
00:05:57,210 --> 00:05:58,530
Yeah, what time are you thinking?
47
00:05:59,350 --> 00:06:04,330
I think my last lecture is at five,
so six-ish if that's okay for you.
48
00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:05,390
No, yeah, not at all.
49
00:06:05,510 --> 00:06:06,510
That's perfect.
50
00:06:06,810 --> 00:06:09,626
I may need to grab a bite to eat though,
so we might have to cut it short,
51
00:06:09,650 --> 00:06:12,830
but I promise you I'll schedule you some
office time in the next few days.
52
00:06:13,230 --> 00:06:16,450
Well why don't we just kill two birds with
one stone, stop at the coffee shop down
53
00:06:16,451 --> 00:06:19,170
the road, and then when you can get some
food and I can pick your brain a little bit.
54
00:06:19,490 --> 00:06:21,411
If that's like not against the rules or
anything.
55
00:06:21,550 --> 00:06:22,610
No, that should be fine.
56
00:06:22,990 --> 00:06:24,190
I'll see you there around six.
57
00:06:24,310 --> 00:06:25,310
Okay, perfect.
58
00:06:25,490 --> 00:06:27,390
So I better make my phone calls now.
59
00:06:27,391 --> 00:06:28,391
Yeah, yeah, of course.
60
00:06:28,830 --> 00:06:29,210
Sorry about that.
61
00:06:29,350 --> 00:06:30,350
Alright, bye-bye.
62
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,320
Oh shit, I totally forgot.
63
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,040
Hey!
64
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,801
Michael, I'm so terribly sorry,
I completely forgot.
65
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:58,460
It was such a busy day.
66
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,200
I can come down now if you're still there.
67
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,040
Oh no, that's alright.
68
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,920
I think this place is about to close up.
69
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,136
Plus, honestly, I probably shouldn't have
bugged you.
70
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,760
I know you're a busy person and whatnot.
71
00:08:09,375 --> 00:08:11,700
It's wonderful that you're so interested
in the course.
72
00:08:12,890 --> 00:08:14,380
I feel terrible right now.
73
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,600
Look, I don't look far from the coffee
house.
74
00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:18,420
Why don't you come over and we can talk
here?
75
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:19,300
Yeah, that'd be great.
76
00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:23,080
As long as I'm not like,
you know, intruding,
77
00:08:23,081 --> 00:08:24,081
I don't want to be in
your space or anything.
78
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,840
No, it's really fine.
79
00:08:26,980 --> 00:08:28,000
I owe you that much.
80
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:32,740
I'm at 12th Blueberry Lane, right off
Valley View Road.
81
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:34,680
You know?
82
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,520
Uh, no, but I'll just start on the GPS.
83
00:08:37,020 --> 00:08:38,020
I'll see you in a bit.
84
00:08:38,270 --> 00:08:39,820
Okay, see you soon.
85
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:41,460
Alright, but...
86
00:08:48,870 --> 00:08:52,160
It's nice to see a student
so interested in the course
87
00:08:52,161 --> 00:08:53,161
and not just taking it
to fulfill a requirement.
88
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,360
Thank you.
89
00:08:56,050 --> 00:08:58,160
Honestly, I'm just grateful to be in
college.
90
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,900
I kind of bounced around
the foster care system,
91
00:09:02,901 --> 00:09:03,901
so I never really had a
super solid education.
92
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:06,640
Michael, I have no idea.
93
00:09:07,910 --> 00:09:08,910
Your parents still alive?
94
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:15,400
My mom is dead, not sure about,
never really met the guy, but that's life.
95
00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:19,620
In that case, it makes it even more
impressive that you've managed to stay so
96
00:09:19,621 --> 00:09:21,420
focused and found a way to get into
college.
97
00:09:22,780 --> 00:09:24,820
I'm assuming no one's helping you with
your tuition.
98
00:09:25,420 --> 00:09:26,420
Yeah, no.
99
00:09:26,580 --> 00:09:30,380
I have one scholarship, but the rest are
just out on my own, but that's all good.
100
00:09:30,550 --> 00:09:32,710
I'm pretty used to taking care of myself
at this point.
101
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,640
Well, you should be very proud of
yourself, Michael.
102
00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:39,040
You're a really unique young man.
103
00:09:44,110 --> 00:09:47,030
Well, it's getting late and I
have an early class in the
104
00:09:47,031 --> 00:09:48,870
morning, but how about we go
about this and do it again tomorrow?
105
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,041
If you want to come over around seven or
so, I should be home by then.
106
00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:53,390
Yeah, that'd be incredible.
107
00:09:53,530 --> 00:09:55,050
I still have like a million questions.
108
00:09:55,090 --> 00:09:56,090
I can tell.
109
00:09:56,550 --> 00:09:57,550
Let me walk you out.
110
00:09:58,990 --> 00:10:00,150
Did you park in the driveway?
111
00:10:00,410 --> 00:10:01,890
No, I actually brought my bike.
112
00:10:02,330 --> 00:10:03,030
Oh, okay.
113
00:10:03,250 --> 00:10:04,250
Yeah.
114
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:05,670
Well, hey, have a good night.
115
00:10:06,030 --> 00:10:06,350
You too.
116
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:07,690
I will see you tomorrow.
117
00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:44,700
Huh.
118
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,680
St. Michael seems to be in a good mood
today.
119
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:48,680
Waving at us? It's the first.
120
00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:49,900
121
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,320
Yeah, I think she actually might be waving
at me.
122
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:53,300
Why?
123
00:11:54,020 --> 00:11:55,760
I kind of hung out with her last night.
124
00:11:57,580 --> 00:11:59,056
What do you mean you hung out with her?
125
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:00,080
She's a professor.
126
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,480
What, like 60 years old?
127
00:12:01,530 --> 00:12:02,180
No, I don't know.
128
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:02,900
It wasn't like that.
129
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:04,160
I just like... I don't know.
130
00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:08,000
I needed some help with studying and just
like coursework and she was just kind of
131
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:09,620
like tutoring me at her place,
I guess.
132
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:11,460
But I don't know.
133
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:12,820
I think she could be kind of hot.
134
00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:14,660
Yeah.
135
00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:17,860
She's not ugly, but be careful with older
women, man.
136
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:19,680
Why so?
137
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,600
Because they will get inside your head and
fuck you up.
138
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:23,960
How would you know that?
139
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,180
Maybe because I'm seeing one.
140
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:28,520
What?
141
00:12:28,985 --> 00:12:31,145
Are you fucking one of your mom's slutty
friends again?
142
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,160
No, I'm not fucking with my mom's slutty
friends.
143
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,000
She's like a professional.
144
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:37,340
Oh, so you're hiring an escort?
145
00:12:38,740 --> 00:12:40,300
No, I'm not fucking an escort.
146
00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:42,520
She's like a doctor.
147
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,040
Oh, hey, good for you, man.
148
00:12:48,020 --> 00:12:50,720
So explain to me why you're confused about
your sexuality.
149
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,410
I guess it's not really my sexuality.
150
00:12:58,970 --> 00:13:04,510
It's just that I can't really connect with
anyone.
151
00:13:06,810 --> 00:13:07,810
With women? Yeah.
152
00:13:11,030 --> 00:13:12,030
153
00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:17,030
I just see guys my age hooking up with
girls every night and then I'm just
154
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,190
disconnected in a way that's not normal.
155
00:13:24,990 --> 00:13:29,930
I mean, even when girls hit on me,
I just, I don't know.
156
00:13:35,810 --> 00:13:37,570
Do you think about women
when you masturbate? Sometimes.
157
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:41,740
158
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:49,120
But I just feel like the stuff
I masturbate about or think
159
00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:53,880
about when I masturbate,
I wouldn't want in real life.
160
00:13:54,740 --> 00:13:55,740
Hmm.
161
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:58,680
Why is that?
162
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:03,540
I just don't think it would turn me on.
163
00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:06,500
In real life, it wouldn't.
164
00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:15,730
Give me an example.
165
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,000
Example?
166
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:36,360
Okay, so I'm masturbating
and thinking about something
167
00:14:36,361 --> 00:14:37,521
fucked up or something
appropriate that's happening.
168
00:14:39,690 --> 00:14:46,340
Like, my professor masturbating under her
desk while she's teaching the class,
169
00:14:48,230 --> 00:14:52,400
I just feel like if something crazy were
to happen like that in real life,
170
00:14:52,540 --> 00:14:56,600
it would just freak me out, disgust me.
171
00:14:58,380 --> 00:14:59,380
I see.
172
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:13,010
I want you to look at me.
173
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:20,460
Look at me, Dante.
174
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,530
Tell me what you're feeling right now.
175
00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:31,780
Shocked.
176
00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:33,900
What else? Anxiety.
177
00:15:36,180 --> 00:15:37,180
178
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,280
Why?
179
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,490
Because I don't know why this is
happening.
180
00:15:48,685 --> 00:15:49,685
I feel like it's a test.
181
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:54,960
A test you're afraid
to fail? I don't know.
182
00:15:56,780 --> 00:15:57,780
183
00:16:00,830 --> 00:16:01,830
What about disgust?
184
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:03,960
Do you feel disgust?
185
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:57,920
Oh, I'm gonna come to you.
14296
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