Original subtitles

I feel like I don't recognize who I am anymore.

Like I'm on autopilot or something.

I don't quite know how to describe it.

Try.

It's like I'm watching myself go through the motions.

Work, home, talking to friends.

The friends I even bother to keep up with since Paul died.

I feel like I've become acutely aware of my age and a part of me is like,

why bother?

Why bother with life because you're so old?

I think it's because I'm a widow now.

There's something about that word.

I associate it with being old.

And your husband was 20 years your senior.

You're still much younger than he was.

Maybe it's because we never had children.

Paul didn't want any and taking care of him was like mothering a child sometimes, so...

I never really felt like I was missing out on anything.

But I never have the milestones that other people have.

No, I... no kids to put through college, no brain kids.

And I think I lost track of how old I was getting

until Paul died and now it's just hit me all at once.

Your identity is so inextricably tied to his that even

after he died, you're unable to separate yourself from him.

He grew old and he died and by extension you've grown old and you've died.

Except you're not him.

You're still very much alive.

Now, I know you don't like pills, but I would like to prescribe you a mild

dose of an antidepressant just to help get you through the grieving process.

The forecast, plenty of sunshine through today with seasonal temperatures.

We should reach our normal high of about 82 degrees by this afternoon.

Clear skies tonight with a low near 70.

Increasing cloudiness tomorrow, sticky and humid with a high of 96.

With the winds out of the east at 14 miles per hour, it's currently 75 degrees.

Good morning class.

Today we are going to talk about Tolstoy's philosophy on death.

So again, the assignment is a four page essay on Tolstoy's confessions.

Points will be taken off for lateness.

Hey professor, I was wondering if you had some

extra time to talk about some of that Tolstoy stuff.

Just like if you could schedule me in.

It's not too much of a problem.

Oh Michael, I would but I have another class in ten

minutes and I have a few phone calls I need to make.

Maybe after I finish for the day?

Yeah, what time are you thinking?

I think my last lecture is at five, so six-ish if that's okay for you.

No, yeah, not at all.

That's perfect.

I may need to grab a bite to eat though, so we might have to cut it short,

but I promise you I'll schedule you some office time in the next few days.

Well why don't we just kill two birds with one stone, stop at the coffee shop down

the road, and then when you can get some food and I can pick your brain a little bit.

If that's like not against the rules or anything.

No, that should be fine.

I'll see you there around six.

Okay, perfect.

So I better make my phone calls now.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Sorry about that.

Alright, bye-bye.

Oh shit, I totally forgot.

Hey!

Michael, I'm so terribly sorry, I completely forgot.

It was such a busy day.

I can come down now if you're still there.

Oh no, that's alright.

I think this place is about to close up.

Plus, honestly, I probably shouldn't have bugged you.

I know you're a busy person and whatnot.

It's wonderful that you're so interested in the course.

I feel terrible right now.

Look, I don't look far from the coffee house.

Why don't you come over and we can talk here?

Yeah, that'd be great.

As long as I'm not like, you know, intruding,

I don't want to be in your space or anything.

No, it's really fine.

I owe you that much.

I'm at 12th Blueberry Lane, right off Valley View Road.

You know?

Uh, no, but I'll just start on the GPS.

I'll see you in a bit.

Okay, see you soon.

Alright, but...

It's nice to see a student so interested in the course

and not just taking it to fulfill a requirement.

Thank you.

Honestly, I'm just grateful to be in college.

I kind of bounced around the foster care system,

so I never really had a super solid education.

Michael, I have no idea.

Your parents still alive?

My mom is dead, not sure about, never really met the guy, but that's life.

In that case, it makes it even more impressive that you've managed to stay so

focused and found a way to get into college.

I'm assuming no one's helping you with your tuition.

Yeah, no.

I have one scholarship, but the rest are just out on my own, but that's all good.

I'm pretty used to taking care of myself at this point.

Well, you should be very proud of yourself, Michael.

You're a really unique young man.

Well, it's getting late and I have an early class in the

morning, but how about we go about this and do it again tomorrow?

If you want to come over around seven or so, I should be home by then.

Yeah, that'd be incredible.

I still have like a million questions.

I can tell.

Let me walk you out.

Did you park in the driveway?

No, I actually brought my bike.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Well, hey, have a good night.

You too.

I will see you tomorrow.

Huh.

St. Michael seems to be in a good mood today.

Waving at us? It's the first.

Yeah, I think she actually might be waving at me.

Why?

I kind of hung out with her last night.

What do you mean you hung out with her?

She's a professor.

What, like 60 years old?

No, I don't know.

It wasn't like that.

I just like... I don't know.

I needed some help with studying and just like coursework and she was just kind of

like tutoring me at her place, I guess.

But I don't know.

I think she could be kind of hot.

Yeah.

She's not ugly, but be careful with older women, man.

Why so?

Because they will get inside your head and fuck you up.

How would you know that?

Maybe because I'm seeing one.

What?

Are you fucking one of your mom's slutty friends again?

No, I'm not fucking with my mom's slutty friends.

She's like a professional.

Oh, so you're hiring an escort?

No, I'm not fucking an escort.

She's like a doctor.

Oh, hey, good for you, man.

So explain to me why you're confused about your sexuality.

I guess it's not really my sexuality.

It's just that I can't really connect with anyone.

With women? Yeah.

I just see guys my age hooking up with girls every night and then I'm just

disconnected in a way that's not normal.

I mean, even when girls hit on me, I just, I don't know.

Do you think about women when you masturbate? Sometimes.

But I just feel like the stuff I masturbate about or think

about when I masturbate, I wouldn't want in real life.

Hmm.

Why is that?

I just don't think it would turn me on.

In real life, it wouldn't.

Give me an example.

Example?

Okay, so I'm masturbating and thinking about something

fucked up or something appropriate that's happening.

Like, my professor masturbating under her desk while she's teaching the class,

I just feel like if something crazy were to happen like that in real life,

it would just freak me out, disgust me.

I see.

I want you to look at me.

Look at me, Dante.

Tell me what you're feeling right now.

Shocked.

What else? Anxiety.

Why?

Because I don't know why this is happening.

I feel like it's a test.

A test you're afraid to fail? I don't know.

What about disgust?

Do you feel disgust?

Oh, I'm gonna come to you.