Original subtitles

Here's how the fairy tale goes.

Fall in love,

get married,

be faithful,

grow old together and die.

I do...

..not.

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

I've lived most of my life thinking marriage was my destiny.

But look around - divorce everywhere,

and a whole lot of cheating going on.

He's definitely not faithful. Look at that guy.

The dream of settling down with one true love ain't cutting it any more.

And it's not a fairy tale.

If anything, it's a scary movie.

With, you know, nice parts in the middle. Yeah.

Is there a better way to find love and build relationships?

She's my wife,

and then he's our boyfriend.

This one is a poly-amorous group people hanging out together,

casually.

Of course!

Love and marriage.

They go together like fish and chips, right?

Yeah, today not so much.

UK marriages are at their lowest rate since 1862.

Four in ten US adults are single.

So I've found myself in a relationship quandary.

I don't think it's the fairy tale we've been fed,

I just think that's what every fairy...

it's what every fell...

Every time I'm in love I envision marrying the person that I'm with.

And I do envision being with them for the rest of my life.

But, once you go through heartbreak and then heartbreak

and then heartbreak,

you just go "Wait, this is not worth it.

"This is silly." Cos if it breaks one more time

what if it doesn't get back together?

I mean, I'm still mending from not one relationship but three -

four...three.

Yeah.

Being in all these monogamous relationships,

I thought I knew what that - what I was looking for,

but maybe now I don't really know what that is.

I want to discover what else there is,

because usually I've just kind of gone for monogamy,

but maybe that isn't the right answer.

My love life needs a makeover.

What kind of relationship will work for me?

But first, I want to understand that primal emotion

that keeps us bonded and committed to one another.

What is love?

So, we are in Santa Barbara,

I'm about to meet a scientist who is going to show me

what love looks like in my brain.

Or even if I have one at all. So...

The woman with this terrifying power?

Bianca Acevedo.

She could tell you if you're in love just by studying your brain.

Hi, I'm Cara.

Nice to meet you. Come on in.

We're going to ask you to change into scrubs. OK.

To make sure you don't have any metal in your body,

and then we're going to get you started.

Oh, my God, OK, cool.

Now, the idea is that the MRI will scan my brain,

while I look at photos of different people from across my life.

Oh, my gosh, it's chilly. Yes.

Are these going to keep me warm though? Not really.

We're going to give you a blanket.

Pictures of family, close friends and old relationships.

I'll be talking to you.

I'll say "Hey, this next scan is going to be five minutes long."

Hold still as much as you can.

Just thinking about somebody we love fires up areas across the brain.

And there's one in particular that's linked to romantic love.

We typically see that people that are in romantic love

show activation in the ventral tegmental area of the brain.

It's a region that's rich in dopamine,

the key neurotransmitter that motivates us to go

and get what we want.

OK, Cara, are you ready?

Yeah.

Counting it down, three - three, two, one.

The first photo Bianca selects is an old friend I'm extremely close to.

And who also happens to be incredibly attractive.

Right, Cara, how are you doing?

LIGHT SNORING

Cara?

Cara, how you doing? Good.

You fell asleep in there. I know, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

Hey, it was comfy, warm and dark,

and looking at my friend just made me feel secure.

Quick blast of caffeine...

Goodnight.

..and it's back into the love machine.

It's just really cosy here.

Here we go.

After a few more photos of other friends and family,

Bianca shows me someone

I've had a rather complicated relationship with.

We're looking at what Cara's brain is doing

when she's looking at images of her ex-partner.

I anticipate seeing some amygdala activation,

because it seems like she's still very emotionally charged.

The amygdala processes strong feelings, including fear,

anger and pleasure.

We're going to come in and get you now.

The study's over.

A quick breather, and it's results time.

What did you find out?

First up, my hot friend.

What does my brain have to say?

When you look at the picture of the person that you admire

your brain activity...

Wow. Not that much there.

Doc, you see a lack of love, I see a sneaky snooze.

Now let's see how my brain reacts to a much more complex relationship.

So, are you ready to see your brain response to your ex? Sure.

So this is... Jesus Christ!

..the response to your ex.

So you're showing activity in both the right and the left

ventral tegmental area, that we see in people that are in love.

Wait, what?

So, we see this pattern of brain activation

in people that are in love.

No way!

Yeah.

Riiight.

Cool. Good to know.

Oh, God.

Were you expecting to see that?

Definitely not, but I...

..I understand there's a strong emotional response.

But it definitely wasn't love, it was sadness and anger.

But is that what...what love is meant to be like? No.

Well, we do see a lot of activation in the areas

related to emotional memory.

Thanks, brain, for making me aware of these things.

Love stimulates our brain's reward system,

releasing chemicals like dopamine,

which motivates us and makes us feel good.

And the hormone oxytocin, which helps us bond with the one.

Both make us want to be with our partner.

Love is basically a drug...

..and a pretty powerful one at that.

The ventral tegmental area lights up in response to reward.

So, in response to the face image of your ex,

you still find it rewarding.

Mm-hm.

Life is complicated. Yes, indeed.

One of the things that has been most surprising

is just how tenacious love is.

Like, it's...it's a really, really strong drive.

Even if couples are not always doing great,

there's still a strong bonding connection there.

They...they will still show

this intense reward-related activity in their brain.

Bianca's uncomfortably revealing work shows that love is real

and we're not always conscious of our feelings.

When our reward system becomes associated

with one person in particular,

it can lead to monogamy.

As I wander through Santa Barbara,

trying to get my head round Bianca's revelations,

I stumble across someone overwhelmed by the love drug.

Is it your wedding day, today?

Oh, my gosh, congratulations. Thank you.

How many times have you been in love before?

This is probably the only time.

Do you believe that monogamy is what comes naturally to humans?

I don't think that it's something that comes naturally... Yeah.

..but I do think it's something that we've come to expect.

If, for some crazy reason, one of you ended up wanting someone else,

or, like, wanting to explore maybe something,

would you expect to be honest about, talk about it?

I think if I felt like there was some sort of like premeditations,

then I think it would over immediately.

Yeah, of course, agreed.

But I feel like if it was just something that happened unexpectedly

and if my heart felt like I wanted to keep trying,

I'd probably would do that, yeah. Thank you.

You seem, by the way, so calm for somebody who's about to get married.

Thank you. And you really look absolutely so stunning

and I hope you have a most incredible day. Thank you.

You know, I was definitely sold the wedding fantasy.

I mean, yeah, it was all the idea of like marrying someone

that will look after you...

..and maybe have like a nice title.

And then, um...

But in my mind, I was like,

"I just don't want to rely on anyone ever.

"I want to make all my own money and I want to...

"..rely on myself and myself only. See ya!"

But that's me and that, you know,

probably leans into more of my little like masculine, boy side.

The western relationship norm of one man, one woman has been with us for centuries.

And let's face it,

who doesn't love a bit of parent-pleasing, white flounce

and bouquet chucking?

Reality check, though, monogamous, straight marriage is tanking.

UK nuptials have fallen 50% from 1972.

So, is there a way to save what we love about marriage by changing it?

In Japan, one woman is keeping the fairy-tale trappings and tradition,

while re-writing the wedding script on her own terms.

I've been invited to a wedding that I don't know much about,

but I've heard it's not your average wedding.

Midori's 36 and a stunning bride.

So, what about the groom?

But when the groom is wheeled in,

this wedding suddenly takes an unexpected turn.

I'm actually a huge fan of The Sims.

It was something that I used to play a lot, when I was younger.

How much pressure is there to get married?

OK, at first, I was bamboozled.

But getting to know Midori, I wonder if this is a reaction

to the weight of her family's expectations

and how they felt about it all.

Midori's one of thousands of Japanese people in relationships

with fictional characters known as fictosexuals.

By marrying Morgyn,

she's adapted a conventional monogamous wedding ceremony

to suit her own unconventional needs and desires.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Yaaay!

The love that was exuding,

you could feel it in every ounce of what she was saying.

I felt so overly emotional and happy for her.

And I think that's the most incredible thing in the world.

I really couldn't differentiate between a "normal wedding".

We're not all marrying game characters,

but around the world, our dissatisfaction

with conventional flesh-and-blood marriage

is playing out in many different ways.

Near the top of the list - incredibly common -

cheating.

47% of Italian men admit to affairs.

Surprisingly, 20% of us Brits enjoy a bit on the side.

While in the US,

20% of men and 13% of women fess up to marital infidelity.

Mm-hm.

It's rough.

Yeah, being cheated on is not ideal.

But, you know, I've also cheated.

I usually prefer to be broken up with than to break-up with someone.

Cos I find the guilt of breaking up with someone

far harder than being broken up with.

So, I'd rather just stay in the relationship,

until it eats me alive.

It's a very weird thing to do.

I don't know why I stay.

The problem is as well, though, when you don't have much self-worth,

if someone cheats on you, you just kind of take them back

and let it go, which is the stupidest thing.

Cos once you lose trust with someone, it will never come back.

So, why continue being in a relationship,

where you don't trust someone?

Beats me, but I've done it.

Cheating's so widespread,

it seems we humans find strict monogamy difficult.

And in one country, changing attitudes towards infidelity

appear to have created a business opportunity.

Mexico City - devoutly Catholic.

Nuns galore!

Yet, if you're looking for a place for some very glamorous two-timing,

here, you're spoiled for choice.

Aidee has seen more than 100 love hotels flourish

in Mexico City alone in the last ten years.

And they cover the country.

"What's a love hotel?", I hear you ask.

Well, this ought to give you a clue.

GLASSES CLINK

But in that case,

why are all these Mexican love hotels only appearing now?

Well, until recently, just having an affair in Mexico was illegal.

Then, ten years ago, the law changed.

If you were unfaithful, you could go to jail.

And now, it's changing.

It's not something that is punishable by law.

With cheating legal, love hotels went from secret and seedy

to boutique and mainstream.

Five out of every ten women

and six out of every ten men admit to having been unfaithful.

Whereas ten or 15 years ago,

it was basically 60% of men and 30% of women.

That's a near doubling of infidelity rates amongst the ladies

in a decade or so.

Maybe now, they are admitting to being unfaithful more

than they did before.

Or maybe they are more...

..open to having these affairs.

Changing the law lifted the penalties for infidelity

for both men and women.

Yeah, go equality!

Though, is equal opportunity as adultery actually a win?

Let's just say yes.

Now, the gap between men and women

who admit to having been unfaithful at least once in their lives

has completely closed.

But why do we cheat?

One theory is that having multiple partners

helps increase genetic diversity,

which is good for the species.

So, maybe it's down to our biology.

After all, we're animals.

And zookeeper Alexi Grousis reckons we've got a lot to learn

from the birds and the bees.

And don't forget the horny beasts!

So, you want to check out these animals? I'll lead the way.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

When we look at the animal kingdom,

especially, the animals that are most closely related to us,

we see that monogamy is not as common as we'd like to think it is.

Look at him.

I make owl sounds.

SHE MIMICS AN OWL

Oh, my God, owls are so cool.

Monogamy is most commonly seen in birds.

Less so in the primates.

When you look at the primates, they get a little more promiscuous.

I'm more feather than fur, I think.

So far at least.

And as for the reptiles...

THEY LAUGH

Please turn around. He's definitely not faithful. Look at that guy.

And, guys, no prizes for guessing which bit of your anatomy

shows just where us humans lie on the fidelity spectrum.

What is this?

Yeah, I've put together a nice little demonstration for you.

Cara, today, I've got the relative testes size of different animals.

So... Can we call them bollocks?

I don't cos I'm American. Cos I'm English.

All right, their bollocks. Or testes or whatever...

Wait, what? You can't say bollocks? Is that a bad word?

But you can say testes?

Balls?

Testicles.

Testicles. That's bollocks!

Oops!

When we look at this one right here,

this is roughly the size of an owl monkey's testicles,

which is a very monogamous animal.

The testicle size is almost directly related

to the amount of sperm being produced.

But is that meaning that the bigger balls you have,

the more likely you are to be less monogamous?

No. Potentially.

The more sperm competition, the bigger the testicles have to be.

And the more sperm that are produced,

the better chance you have of making the mark if you will.

This one right here,

that would be the rough size of a chimpanzee testicle.

No! Yeah.

So, big balls equals promiscuity

because they're producing a lot of sperm

and a lot of males are competing with each other.

I have a lot of questions, now. Yeah, well...

..before you ask those, let me show you this one.

And humans are neither strictly monogamous

nor highly promiscuous. Mm-hm.

We sit kind of right in the middle. In the middle.

That's never something I've heard about balls before,

but that's an interesting... Yeah, no kidding, right?

Right, let's get this straight.

Nature has given us - well, I mean, males,

medium-sized bollocks relative to our body.

Sorry, testicles.

It sounds like us humans are naturally designed

to be neither totally monogamous nor totally polygamous.

So, let's say monogamish.

Biology implies we're flexible...

..but society wants stable.

Can a long-term romantic relationship have both?

Here's an idea, how about throupling up?

My name is Johnisha. My name is Jeron.

And my name is Destiny.

She's my wife, and then, he's our boyfriend.

Oh, you did the same thing. I did.

I personally like the uncomfort of like when we walk into a room

and nobody knows what our dynamic is.

Let people fill in the details how they will.

This tantalising trio started as a twosome,

until there was a very good reason to grow.

We got married last year

and we had actually started wanting to have kids around that time.

We either wanted a donor or we wanted somebody

that was going to also be like a father in their life.

So, me and Jeron actually dated seven years ago

and we stayed friends.

And eventually...

..like being in a throuple sort of kind of fell into our laps.

So, we started with the initial like,

"OK, we're going to go into this as co-parenting and being friends."

And then, the relationship sort of just blossomed.

It's a lot of love.

As far as it being all three people on the same page,

this is my first time. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, same. For all three of us. For all three, mm-hm.

We're always getting like, "Don't you guys get jealous?"

"Oh, I could never share my man."

But he's like, "Oh, you got two girlfriends? High five, dude!"

THEY LAUGH

Usually, it always goes to sex.

How do you guys have sex? Like, I don't know, Google, like...

THEY LAUGH

Especially in the beginning, we had a lot of just honest conversation.

If you can't communicate with just one partner,

two partners is going to be harder, so communication is key.

Mm.

Good thing they've got communication sorted

because baby Isaiah's arrival means domestic arrangements

need a lot more thought and organisation.

There was a lot of questions about

how logistically everything would work

with there being three sets of grandparents

and three sets of aunts and uncles.

Everybody just wanted to make sure

that they were going to have their time.

Relationships come in all different ways.

It's not something I'd do...

..but, you know, I figure if you don't...

..like it, don't do it.

But it seems that it's working with them.

I like the way they...they get along together and, you know, co-parent.

I give them credit.

Kids, commitment, fidelity and stability?

I'm realising that this throuple aren't so very different

from your average monogamous couple.

Society says you should be with one person but, you know,

we are human and we have these emotions.

So, I don't think that it should just be limited to just one person.

And it doesn't have to be for everyone.

But, you know, it works for us and we're happy with it.

It's just more love.

Our village to raise our baby is already a step ahead of most.

These suburban throuple trailblazers

show that relationship dynamics are all different.

And they've created an alternative,

yet also very traditional family that works for them.

They're not alone.

43% of American millennials say "no, thanks" to monogamy.

Maybe now's the time for me

to seriously consider my relationship future.

Because I have been single for the longest time I ever have been,

I would like someone to tell me, "This is what you're meant to have."

If it is meant to be like,

"You should be married with a girlfriend and a boyfriend",

I'd be like, "Dope. Cool, now I know what I'm aiming for.

""et me fill those spots.

I like someone telling me what I need to go for

instead of kind of this just like endless how many people

or one person or what gender?

Ah, it's a lot! It's confusing.

It's way more complicated because how do I know when that...

How do I know when I've found my family?

I feel like it is about chosen family in a way.

Luckily, I know just the evolutionary anthropologist

to cut through my confusion.

Hi!

So, yeah, I want to ask you what is...

Biologically, socially, what am I meant to do?

Am I meant to be monogamous? What can I do? Tell me, doctor.

So, the inputs into how we end up

in terms of our relationship structures are two, OK?

You have the biological input, which is your instincts.

But then, we have the really quite powerful cultural influence

on how you behave in relationships. Yeah.

Maybe the religion you follow,

what your examples were as you were brought up.

Add these together and you end up

with a lot of different relationship styles to choose from.

I mean, check all these out.

Monogamy is where you have two people, who are exclusive,

and therefore, they don't have sex

or experience love outside that relationship.

So, consensual non-monogamy is

having a non-monogamous relationship.

So, being in a relationship with more than one person by consent.

So, not an affair.

Woohoo! Correct, obviously.

So, polyamory - somebody's a polyamorist,

if they are emotionally involved, intimate,

they love more than one person.

So, that defines it as against things like open relationships.

What makes polyamory different is it's about that emotional intimacy

is there amongst a group of people, rather than just a sexual intimacy.

You're good at this game. It's not a game.

Polly-gyny. So, polygyny is when you... Polygyny!

Is a marital structure. It's where you have one man and many wives.

So, this is kind of like a single person

having loving relationships with other people

but not committing to them in terms of living with them,

having those markers of a life together.

So, that's what I'm doing. Cool.

Polyandry!

So, polyandry is a marriage structure,

where you have one woman and many husbands. Very rare.

I'm not sure I'm ready to choose one, yet.

Society sold me the dream of monogamy

but multi-partner marriage dates way back to ancient times

and it's legal or tolerated in over 50 countries.

The problem is, in most cases, it's usually only men

that are allowed to take many wives and not the other way around.

But one woman is on a mission to shake all that up.

I currently have three intimate partners.

Nyamekela, he is a heterosexual man.

He is the father of my children, he's my fiance.

Also my nesting partner, which basically means we do house

things together, we have that everyday kind living relationship.

Yeah, I'm very, very blessed.

And my second partner is Kerline.

Kerline!

Our dynamic is more of a BDSM dynamic.

We met through a mutual friend and...

I'm struggling to focus because Muvumbi's doing this thing.

She has, like, this twinkle thing that happens.

Why are you fucking twinkling at me?

Cos I love you. THEY LAUGH

My third partner is MJ.

MJ is my light love affair.

We love listening to music together and holding hands.

Muvumbi's polyamorous -

a guilt free way to have multiple emotional and sexual partners.

And it's practical too.

She's got all bases covered -

domesticity,

intimacy,

and BDSM.

So what more could she want?

Well, to get married.

If I can marry a man and a woman, that's always been my dream.

There's just one problem.

At the moment, that's illegal in South Africa.

Men can have multiple wives in polygynous marriages.

At one time, former South African president Jacob Zuma had four wives.

But women cannot marry multiple husbands, polyandry,

let alone take a wife and a husband.

I'm an activist, and I think that I'm very vocal about polyamory

because it is so close to my value, which is freedom.

I am a member of Poly ZA, which is a polyamorous group in South Africa.

Muvumbi is campaigning to get the law changed.

And guess what -

the government's now mulling over a new bill

that would legalise polyandry.

The signing of the bill to make it legal

for women to marry more than one lover opens that up for me.

I think it's my right to have access to all pleasure.

Men have been living that, and we all want equal rights.

Hi. Hey, babe.

Hey, boyfriend.

HE LAUGHS

I think I'm the resident boyfriend.

THEY LAUGH

That's my... That's the best title I can think of, you know.

The fact that this is possible,

that I can make a salad with my two lovers

makes me so happy.

So, are there any limits to Muvumbi's polyamorous plans?

I wouldn't say the more the better

because I think you can get, like, saturated.

So everybody has their limit, yeah,

and I think right now mine is three.

SHE LAUGHS

My saturation limit?

Not sure yet.

Muvumbi's fighting for marriage on her terms,

but am I suited to multiple partners?

In my fantasy, now what I'm thinking about,

yeah, I would love to, like, live on a farm with my, like, five wives

and one man.

Can I say that?

I don't want five wives, that's exhausting.

My head is spinning with possibilities.

But I've heard there's a ground-breaking scientific test

that may help me decide my perfect relationship structure.

Really? I don't think it's very attractive that I'm spitting.

And so what are they going to test with it?

So this is, like, a genome typing test that...

Mm, hold please.

If I'm genetically destined to maybe be in long term relationships

or if I'm more likely to be single. That's amazing.

All from a bit of spit. All from a bit of spit.

Mm.

My good friend, Dr Anna, is going to give me the results.

What are we testing for? What is... What's going on?

OK, yeah, so we asked you for some of your spit

and we extracted the DNA from that.

And what we are looking at is three particular genes

that are associated with how you behave when you're in love.

So that's the oxytocin receptor gene,

the beta-endorphin gene, and the serotonin receptor gene.

Anna's looking for gene variations that may be shaping our love lives.

So you can basically tell my relationship history,

maybe the general way I am in love?

We can certainly find indications of what you might be like.

So, no gene is deterministic, but it's a good pointer.

So the first gene we're looking at is the oxytocin receptor gene,

the nesting gene. It has an influence on the likelihood

that you'll be motivated to form long term relationships.

We also looked at the Mu opioid receptor gene,

which is linked to beta-endorphin.

It's addictive, it's like heroin.

And it's what underpins long term human relationships.

So when we say "addicted to love", you are actually addicted

to the other person.

And lastly, we have the serotonin receptor gene.

It seems to have some influence on the likelihood

that you will be single.

So, people with very low circulating serotonin tend to be very obsessive.

So what we're looking at there is whether or not people

who have the gene that makes them more likely to be single

actually have higher levels of circulating serotonin.

So they just don't get obsessed with people enough

to change their lives to want to be with that person.

How did you find this? Like how do we correlate that

between the actual genes and, like, what it shows

with our relationship history, how does that...?

OK, so what we did was we took a lot of spit,

from about 4,000 people,

and we took their relationship histories,

and we took lots of psychological measures about their attachment,

and we looked as whether there was a relationship

between certain genes and some of those traits.

And what we found was there is.

There certainly is a genetic influence on the way we love,

on the way we feel, and in terms of how we behave

when we're in a relationship.

For example, the basis of a really good, close relationship,

for example, is empathy.

And certainly the oxytocin genes that we're looking at for you

have a major influence on your empathy.

One of the ways the attachment hormone oxytocin

increases empathy and bonding is by focusing our attention

on emotion in faces around us.

You're so good at your job, man, it's amazing.

OK, I'm so... I just want to know... I can't... What else do I do?

So, Cara, your test results show

that you do not have the nesting gene -

so, you are not overly motivated to be in a long term pair bond -

that you sit midway on the empathy spectrum,

and that you do not have the gene

that's going to increase the likelihood that you are single.

Again, confusing, but I like it.

None of these things are making me so sure about who I am.

THEY LAUGH

This is because love is complicated.

OK, let me take this all in.

According to my genes, I'm not super bothered

about long term relationships, but I'm also not likely to be single.

That's cool and confusing.

Thanks, Mum and Dad.

And I'm fairly but not overly empathetic.

I'm medium...empathy.

That means people feel double as much as me to other people.

That's, like, a lot.

I know genes are just one factor influencing our love lives.

How we were parented and culture matter, too.

I definitely do want to change.

I think I have a very unhealthy relationship with attachment,

with love, with... Still with self-love and patterns.

And it's just the longer I stay single,

I realise it takes a long time to change.

Perhaps the solution to my quandary lies in polyamory.

So far I've only dipped my toe

in the waters of alternative relationships.

But I want to explore more deeply

and find out if there's a kind that's right for me.

Funny story, here I am frantically searching

for a group of polyamorists.

No luck so far.

But I have found a fabulous Saint-Emilion 1964.

Oh.

Here we go. Hurrah!

CHATTERING

So cool.

Hi, guys.

Hey!

Hi.

Welcome to a polyamorous cocktail party,

run by the fabulously named Sex Positive LA.

It's a social event for people in a wonderful variety

of relationship structures.

So, I'm really excited to meet all you guys.

I've always been curious about different ways of relationships.

I think a lot of people aren't even aware of the options.

This is an interesting time we're in right now,

it's kind of like a new sexual revolution

of, like, people really figuring out what's going to make them happy

and seeing that there's different ways to do things,

because a lot of people aren't happy with that model.

And you don't have to sacrifice your happiness for someone else. Right.

Yeah, again, and it doesn't have to...

Looks like I've found an explorer

who's been on this relationship journey for longer than me.

This one is a polyamorous group of people

hanging out together casually,

and, like, nerd out about what it means to be poly and...

I love that, nerding out about poly, that's so interesting.

I mean, I don't know what the rules are, are there rules?

There's no-one way to do any of this.

Just like there's not one way to do monogamy. Right.

So, there's different types of polyamory.

For example, solo-poly -

one person dating multiple people, but kind of no ties to each person.

There's the kitchen table polyamory

where there's maybe, you know, multiple people,

with all of the partners, and get along harmoniously.

Cool. CARA CHUCKLES

There's a V that's literally the... Like, the letter V.

So there's one person dating two people.

There's endless different configurations.

To be polyamorous, do you have to relinquish jealousy completely?

In a harmonious poly relationship,

you would be figuring out how to thwart that

before it gets to that point of, like, anger or resentment

and those kinds of things. I love the constant communication.

Because of the monogamous relationships I've been in,

I was very unable to express when I was hurt,

when I wasn't treated well.

I'm now desperate to learn about the highs and lows of polyamory

from people who live them.

What drew you to polyamory? What does it mean to you?

What has it brought to your life?

For me, it's just a way of being, it's my identity.

So, it's not taking anything away from any other person

and it's just adding more.

Really gives you the opportunity to just figure out

what works for you and your partner or partners.

Just having honesty.

Which might change and develop and... Right.

Which doesn't need to be the same for everyone.

Unfortunately it ruins almost every love story in most movies.

THEY LAUGH

From our perspective when somebody's like, "Oh, I love them and them,"

we're always like, "Both!"

Right. Love them all.

Yes, be transparent.

Movie over. That's so interesting.

THEY LAUGH

My discovery of polyamory sort of coincided with meeting my wife.

I had just gotten out of a relationship

where we tried to be just open.

Open relationships, where you have one romantic partner

but sex with other people, have not worked for me.

But polyamory makes more sense.

Most people when they're asking for the open relationship,

they're asking to be open sexually. Yes.

And then to not have any feelings for anybody.

Which is... Yes. Which you can't really control.

In a lot of previous monogamous relationships,

I've felt leashed, I've felt collared.

And that makes me want to break out more.

Yes, you felt trapped, so you want to be like,

"OK, I'm not a... I'm not a caged animal."

In this...this short moment, I can see how individual, how smart,

how emotionally developed, all these things.

I can...I can always, like, restrain myself sexually,

but emotionally I have connections with people, and that was never OK.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Each of you dropped something.

I was like, "Boom, boom, boom..." I told you. "..boom, boom, boom."

I cannot even explain how much I learnt

in such a short amount of time.

I was always intrigued by polyamory, the idea.

I think it gets a bad rep.

I think people talk about it who don't understand it

in so many different ways.

And I don't... I still don't know...

Again, solo, polyamory, whatever I'm experiencing right now

definitely leads more towards...

something that isn't conventional, for sure.

I just still don't know what it is.

But I'm so much more excited to con...

continue exploring without feeling the unsureness or guilt

or aloneness that I guess I was before.

Now I feel there are thrilling new relationship possibilities

ahead of me.

What I have learnt in this whole experience is the dynamics

and the beauty of so many different relationships.

No-one can tell you how to live your relationship or what the rules are.

I think there are no rules.

The way that we're moving into the future is so much more open

and able to let people be who they want and love who they want

and how they want.

I still don't know if I can be in love with multiple people,

but I love multiple people,

and I feel very, very lucky to be able to have that support

and bond with so many people.

But I think in terms of love, the most important relationship

and the most important love you can have is for yourself.

And there is no point in being in a relationship

until you can fully love yourself.

Cos you can't really truly love someone until you do.

So, while I spend my days figuring all this shit out,

there's only one special someone for me.

He's - yes, it is a he -

loyal, faithful, a perfect match.

And, yes, just a little naughty.

Ah.

This is perfect puppy love.