All language subtitles for Melissa & Joey - 04x14 - You Little Devil.x264-FiHTV.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

Joe. How do I look?

You look zipper-popping good, baby.

I was angling for a simple
"lovely," but I'll take it.

So is all this for me, or is this, uh,

to make your old college boyfriend jealous?

I would never do that.

But you want to bring your a-game
when you're having dinner with an ex.

I only have an a-game, sweetie.

So how did you and Doug reconnect again?

He just friended me out of the blue.
But it's been great seeing his pictures.

His wife, his kids, his
breakfast, his lunch, his dinner.

Oh, he's one of those guys who
posts all the pictures of his food?

I hate that.

It's cute.

No, it's really not cute.

So how long did you and, um...

Food poster boy go out?

Oh, we spent a semester together in Mexico,

and after six months, I was
completely fluent in Tequila.

Why'd you break up?

Well, sometimes things
are just too hot to last.

I mean, unless you're married.

And then they're just so hot...

You just...

Help me out here, Joe?

No, this is fun for me.

(Theme music playing)

- ♪ It's all good ♪
- ♪ all good ♪

- ♪ it's okay ♪
- ♪ okay ♪

- ♪ it's all right ♪
- ♪ all right ♪

♪ as far as I can see ♪

- ♪ it's all good ♪
- ♪ all good ♪

- ♪ it's okay ♪
- ♪ okay ♪

- ♪ it's all right ♪
- ♪ all right ♪

♪ I guess you're stuck with me. ♪

Sync & Corrections by Darcade
- Addic7ed.com -

Deb and I threw Stevie an
amazing 10th birthday party.

Here's the pizza,

here's the hot dogs,

here's the cake.

Any pictures of Stevie?

Um...

don't be silly, Mel. You can't eat the kid.

Plus, you know,

the food doesn't say "oh, dad, don't
take my picture" aren't I right, Doug?

Exactly.

Want some more coffee?

Oh, no thanks. Half a cup is all
my body can handle these days.

Really? I remember when your
body could handle half a keg.

Oh, man. I miss being young and dumb.

Well, I've got to get back to the hotel.

The insurance conference starts tomorrow,
and I signed up for a 7:00 am seminar.

7:00 am?

Wow, you're still a wild man, Diablo.

Diablo.

No one's called me that in a long time.

Hey, speaking of Diablo,

do you still have that little
present I gave you down in Cabo?

Cabo, whoo, those were crazy times.

Well, you tell Deb and the kids we say hi.

Great meeting you, Joe.
Thanks again for dinner.

I'll be posting pictures of your sirloin.

I'm honored.

Bye.

Diablo?

Doug was kind of a bad boy.
That was what we called him.

Back in those days, he could
down an entire cup of coffee.

I don't know if you noticed, Mel, but
I've been working on my third cup here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

It is so cool watching these auditions

for "Cassandra."

If we get the right actress,
this could be a great little film.

Oh. Then this film's gonna suck.

A certain grad student producer,

Ivana, has already made the choice for us.

Oh, McKenna Cedestrom.

Apparently Cedestrom is
Swedish for "ruin your film."

Hold on. I saw her audition, she was awful.

Totally wrong.

You know, Cassandra is snarky and edgy.

This girl read the part
like she was some sort of...

(Groans) Cheerleader.

(Laughs)

"Special skills: Cheerleader."

Our movie's doomed. It's doomed.

No, I'll just explain things
to Ivana. She'll understand.

I'm sorry, where do you think
I've been the last 90 minutes?

Trying to talk Ivana out of this.

I bet you were being whiny.

When you argue with people
you always get whiny.

Why would you say that?

Yeah, I just heard that.

So why didn't you tell me
that when we were dating?

Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings,

but now I don't care if you get all pouty.

Okay.

Yeah, see? I don't care.

Ivana, hey. It's Lennox Scanlon.

I was wondering if we could talk
about the choice for Cassandra?

Look, McKenna is a peppy little actress,

but she's not right for this.

Yes, exactly.

We all want to make the best movie we can.

Yes, yes. We do have
to be on the same team.

Good, great. Thank you.

It's McKenna or she's pulling the plug.

Turns out McKenna is her
little sister in kappa nu gamma.

That must be Greek for "ruin your film."

So, um...

Melly, just curious.

What was the, um,

present thing that
Diablo was talking about?

Well, first of all, he goes by Doug now,

and you know what?

- I can't remember.
- Really?

Well, Diablo seemed to remember.

And then things got awkward and
you tried to change the subject.

I don't do that.

Hey, did you know that Benjamin Franklin
was our first postmaster general?

He discovered electricity,

he's on the 100 dollar
bill. That is some resume.

Wow. What was the gift?

Puka shells.

Yeah, it was a necklace. I didn't
want to tell him I threw it out.

Puka shells, seriously?

That was his idea of a special present?

No wonder I dumped him, huh?

Come on, everyone who wants
to have sex, follow me.

Ooh!

Oh, Mr. Longo.

I have a delivery for you.

Well, put it right over here, please.

Oh, I forgot to light a candle.

Oh, no no, Mr. Longo. Stay right there.

You're still a wild man, Diablo.

Speaking of Diablo...

Do you still have that
little present I gave you?

Oh, boy. Those were crazy times.

Crazy times.

(Echoing) Gave you.

Diablo.

Your tattoo.

That's what he gave you.

Nobody fondly remembers puka shells.

You know what?

I now recall this is what Doug gave me.

Thank you for jogging my memory.

Anyway, where were we, Mr. Longo.

We're nowhere. Diablo's the
name of your ex-boyfriend.

And there he is right there.

You always liked the little devil.

Yeah, before I found out it
was some other guy's logo.

- Are you jealous?
- No.

No, I am not jealous.

I am very aware I'm not the only
guy you've ever been with, all right?

But I didn't think any
of your ex-boyfriends

would be here with us in our bedroom.

Waving the little pitchfork at me.

It's part of my past.

It's behind me.

May be behind you, but it's
right in front of me, baby.

Joe, why are we talking? Why aren't we...

Because there's another
guy in the room with us now.

If it's bothering you that much,
let's just turn out the lights.

Ew, turn out the lights?

Who am I, my grandpa?

Come on!

I like looking. Looking is
part of the whole experience.

Okay, here's a better idea.

Stop thinking about it.

All right. I'll give it a try.

Nope. I can't do it. I can't do it.

Because I'm either gonna be looking at it,

or I'm gonna be holding onto it.

Well, enough of the sweet talk.
I am no longer in the mood.

You think?

And even though Ivana has forced us
to cast her fellow sorority airhead

as Cassandra, I will continue to fight.

Because that's what artists do.

Uh-huh,
uh-huh.

You know what? I'm gonna
sit this McKenna person down

and tell her everything she
did in the audition was wrong.

Yeah, people love to hear that.

I mean, in a nice way.

And I will explain to her who Cassandra is.

What drives her.

I truly believe I can save this film.

And prove Zander wrong
which is always a plus.

Seriously? Can you not see me
banging pots and pans up here?

Hoping you'll ask me what's wrong.

Oh, I thought you were mad on my behalf.

No. When did you stop taking hints?

Did you suddenly become a man?

You and Joe had a fight.

Oh, is this about your old
boyfriend who came over?

It wasn't really about Doug,

it was about another guy.

- Who?
- Satan.

You know my little devil tattoo?

I try not to think about it, but yes.

Well, I got it as a tribute to Doug

on the spur of the alcohol soaked moment.

It's a good thing I ran out
of pesos, otherwise I'd have

a snake down the side of my neck.

Anyway, now that Joe knows Diablo is Doug,

to him it's like having
another man in the bedroom.

And not in a good way.

Can you believe that husband of mine?

Completely.

I know, right? It's completely...

Wait, what? You agree with him?

Whose side are you on?

Uh, the side of your marriage.

Try to see it from Joe's point of view.

From Joe's point of view?

It looks fantastic.

Aunt Mel, be serious.

To Joe it's like you took
Doug's old love letters

and glued them to your ass.

Well, what am I supposed
to do? Shred my butt?

Well, you can get rid of the problem.

I just married him.

Have you ever thought
about laser tattoo removal?

What makes more sense here?
Having agonizing butt surgery,

or having my husband get over it so
he can have sex with his hot wife?

Me!

Okay, aunt Mel, they don't cut you open.

It's...

It's like a facial for your tush.

Thank you. You've just
ruined facials for me.

I am so, so happy to be in your movie.

The moment Ivana told me
about the part of Cassandra...

Cassandra.

That's what I said, Cassandra.

Cassandra.

Right, Cassandra.

Oh, boy.

Why don't we just talk about the character?

Of Cassandra?

She's basically...

The smartest person in the world.

She's very perceptive.

She's able to see the abundance
of mediocrity in humankind.

She tries to be amused,

but it's always a struggle.

I can do my own makeup.

You know what? Why don't we
just start with the script.

Here, Cassandra has just found
out that her old boyfriend

has turned into an annoying
hipster. So read the first line.

"I knew this would happen."

That was so...

Bubbly.

Bubbly's one of my special skills.

It's what people like about me.

That's why I wanted to try acting,

so more people would like me.

And it's kind of like cheerleading,

except you get to say more
than "hey, hey, don't get down,

"you can still turn it around."

We've been saying that a lot this year.

Try the line again, and this time,

be very, very judgmental.

"I knew this would happen."

Oh, boy.

I can supply my own wardrobe.

I can't imagine you'd have anything

that Cassandra would wear.

She doesn't dress like you.

She dresses...

Well, like me.

You know what, maybe if you wore this,

you would feel more like her.

Oh, yeah. I didn't feel like a cheerleader

until the first time I put on my outfit.

- Funny story...
- I doubt it.

Okay, now.

Slouch.

Keep your voice low.

And think.

I know it's hard.

But think about how rotten the world is.

"I knew this would happen."

Again.

"I knew this would happen."

Keep going.

"Look at you, Sergio.

"Where'd you get those
skinny hipster jeans?

"From some organ grinder's monkey?"

She's got it. I think she's got it.

What upset me the most, Nate,

was that Mel didn't
understand why I was upset.

She didn't understand
that I don't want to see

a reminder of some other guy
when I'm in bed with my wife.

You know what I mean? It keeps...

It keeps my morale...

Low, if you know what I mean.

Joe, you love Mel, right?

Yeah, I'm crazy about her.

And she makes you happy in the bedroom?

Yeah.

Many, many times a week.

Then you, my friend, are out
of your hot tempered mind.

You should be high-fiving
that little devil.

And every other little devil
that's made Mel who she is.

You're getting the benefit.

- Nate, listen...
- Shut up for one second.

Imagine there's an amazing restaurant

that serves whatever you want.

And it's open 24 hours
every day, even Christmas.

But suddenly you decide you
don't want to patronize the place

because somebody carved their name

on a stall in the bathroom.

But it's my favorite stall, Nate.

I mean, it's the only stall I can
relax in. How am I going to relax?

You don't know how good you have it.

You know the most fun I
get to have in my bedroom?

Pretending to be asleep

when the baby cries.

"Sergio, you think I like
knowing more than everybody else?

"Actually, I do.

"It's the only thing that
makes me this cheerful."

It's uncanny.

She's perfect.

Well, we're gonna need
another work session tomorrow.

You know, there's still
a lot of work to do.

I can't wait. I am so, so happy about this.

- Stay in character.
- Or whatever.

That's good.

I have to say, I am delighted
that you changed your mind.

Yeah, honey, I realized I was overreacting,

so I'm over it.

Good for you, amigo.

So, what made you come around?

You know.

I just had to do some thinking.

Well now, let's do some kissing.

Oh, okay. Kissing it is. Yeah.

Hey, get your hands off of me.

Mm.

That's more like it.

Do you know how many guys she said that to?

- Joe, Joe.
- (Devil listing names)

- Joe.
- Mel!

don't talk.

Ooh. Boss me around.

She's on top of me. I can't breathe.

I can't do it.

I'm sorry. I can't concentrate.

What's the matter?

Diablo, all right? He's in my head.

I don't want him in
there, but he's in there.

God, it's like I need a
sexorcist or something.

Really, Joe? Is this the way it's
gonna be the rest of our lives?

I'm staying right here.

- Hey.
- Oh, honey.

I've been doing some research

on tattoo removal,

and even though it's
painful and takes hours

and hours, and in most cases leaves scars,

I have decided that for you,

I am willing to go through with it.

Oh, honey.

That is such an amazing sacrifice.

I know.

Thank you for doing it.

What?

You actually want me to go
through some crazy procedure

where they shoot hot lasers at my butt?

They could turn it up too high
and take off a whole cheek.

You just offered to do it?

You were supposed to say no.

don't you know an empty
gesture when you hear one?

You know, like "do you need help moving?"

Or "I'd be happy to walk your dog."

Nobody actually wants
you to take them up on it.

Yeah, I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

How would you like it if
I had an ex-girlfriend's

name tattooed on
my private parts?

Be my guest! From what I remember,

it hurts like hell.

Go ahead. Have all your
ex-girlfriends names put down there.

And their phone numbers too.

I've got plenty of room for it.

Okay, remember, all of
your wardrobe belongs to me.

So take good care of my clothes.

Do you want me to salute
you or is a simple bow okay?

(Laughing)

She's so great.

Okay, why don't you two
review the final scene.

I'm still looking for some props.

Okay.

So last scene, I'll read Sergio.

So let me just set the scene for you.

So Sergio is Cassandra's on
again off again boyfriend.

A very, very talented artist.

It's not based on anybody by the way.

(Clears throat)

"Cassandra, I think we
should get back together."

"Sergio, if we get back together,
we're just gonna break up again.

"Face it. You and me are
never ever gonna work."

You know what? Something's not quite right.

I could be grumpier?

- More negative?
- No, no.

No, it's not you.

It's the script.

Yeah, it's just...

Just needs a little tweak.

Okay. Start it from there.

Sure.

If we get back together,

we're just gonna break up again.

Are you sure, Cassandra?

Now that you mention it, Sergio,

I was wrong to ever leave you.

It's so obvious we should be together.

We have always belonged together.

Oh, God.

I would totally see this film.

(Knocks on door)

Hey, aunt Mel. Can I borrow
the fondue set for the movie?

Why am I just now learning
that I have a fondue set?

I mean, sure.

What are you doing?

Trying to remove my tattoo the natural way.

Brown sugar and olive oil
are an excellent exfoliant.

I figure if I scrub it several times a day,

the little devil should be gone in about

24 years.

You know that's not gonna work?

Yeah, but I want Joe to think I'm trying.

I offered to have it
removed professionally,

you should have seen how happy he was.

Okay, aunt Mel, give me that.

We can bake cookies later.

The sooner you get this
taken care of for real,

the happier you and Joe are gonna be, okay?

It's so irritating when you're right.

Well, I guess I gotta have
it removed professionally.

No matter how much it hurts.

Hey, sometimes love is
just a pain in the ass.

Really? You went there?

Hey, where's your aunt?

I thought she didn't have
any appointments today?

Well, she just made one.

At a place that does tattoo removal.

What?

Yeah, she said "I gotta do this for Joe,

"even if it hurts."
Then she ran out of here.

And then she ran back in, took three
shots of Tequila, and called a cab.

Wow, she...

She would do that for me?

She'd do anything for you.

All right, so we've decided that
McKenna should stay in character 24/7

until after we finish the shooting.

Oh, I like your commitment.

Thanks. You gonna throw me a fish?

Nice. I might use that one for myself.

Oh, wait. What is this?

Oh, I just made a couple little
tweaks to the final scene.

Wait, Sergio and Cassandra
can't get back together.

You missed the whole point of the film.

Her entire journey is towards independence.

She doesn't need a man to complete
her, and they certainly don't

"belong together."

I thought it worked.

- Zander.
- Fine, we'll change it back.

Your ex is a wee bit cranky.

Yeah, I mean...

You thought the changes worked, didn't you?

Of course.

And I am Cassandra.

The smartest person in the world.

Yeah, that works too.

Ow! What are you doing to me?

Wiping the area with a cotton ball.

Dial back the pressure a little, will you?

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yes, and I'm doing this for love, so
can you pick up the pace and zap me?

Mel! don't.

Here we go. Third time today.

Listen, Lennox told me what you're
about to do, and you don't need to do it.

No, Joe, I've already
made up my mind, okay?

I don't want anything to come between us.

And nothing will. I'm gonna get over it.

No, you tried that, and it didn't work.

Look, we'll figure
something out, all right?

I promise.

Ooh.

He didn't say anything.

That's a very good start.

Who didn't say anything?

Don't worry about it.

This is all so very sweet.

But you've still got
to pay for the session.

- Wow.
- (Sighs)

You sure got over it.

Two times.

Yeah, I'm ready to make it three.

Well, usually,

slapping a band-aid on a problem

doesn't work.

The thing is though, honey,

you need to have a band-aid that's large
enough to cover the entire problem.

Well, if you're ready to go
again, gentleman's choice.

Gentleman's choice. Oh my goodness.

Well, let's see. What do we have here?

You know what? I'm good with
either Spider-man or bacon.

Either one of those is cool with me.

Make it one of each.

- Let's do this.
- Let's do it!