Original subtitles

Rule One of witness protection: trust no one.

- How am I supposed to be married to this? - Whoa! Married?

You are the Fultons. And you love each other so much, your lives depend on it.

- NO!

- [thwack] - Aaaaaaaaahhh!

- I thought you were Jordan! - Who'’s Jordan?

Just admit it. You fucking love me.

Reality TV'’s not garbage. It's real entertainment.

[Franklin] Reality TV is the diseased cousin of real entertainment.

And I think it goes without saying that we will not now, nor will we ever, have sex.

Let'’s get these off, shall we?

Oh my lord!

[Franklin] No, after what you said last night, I thought I would invite the neighbors over.

- Whoa! - Oh!

- Uh, this is Lenny. - He'’s painting him!

[musak with bossa nova beat starts]

[slurp] Ahh.

[awkward silence]

So, Owen. What type of paint do you use?

I'’m sorry...?

The painting?

[Lark] For your artwork.

Oh, um, you know. Whatever'’s around.

Oh, what means is that it'’s all in good fun. So he uses a variety of mediums.

- Yeah. - [Franklin] I keep telling him he should show his artwork to the world

cause he'’s just so talented.

But, he'’s shy.

Well, I don'’t want to put any pressure on you, of course, but

every year the town has a charity art show, where local artists donate their paintings

to help fund public school art programs.

Uh! Owen!

You should give them one of yours.

I'’m not sure that's a good idea, babe.

When do you need it by?

I think the deadline is end of next week.

And the theme this year is joy, so if you have any paintings that work with joy

Every time I see one of Owen'’s paintings I am blinded by joy! [laughs]

- [clunk] - Oh, no! I'’m so sorry babe!

[Owen] Why don'’t we go to the kitchen and get some paper towels?

[heavy bass rock music]

These pants are expensive.

In the future if you wish to speak to me privately, just ask me.

[Owen] What the fuck are you doing? I don'’t know shit about art.

I'’m astonished. Well, the good news is, you'’re gonna learn.

You need to go out there and tell them I don'’t paint.

[Franklin] Um, I'’m terribly sorry. It'’s been established. You're a painter now.

You could say you were joking.

- [Franklin] And then how would I explain Lonny? - Lenny!

Whatever! We need to be mindful that once a fact is uttered,

we have to hold onto it as truth.

But I didn'’t tell them I was a painter.

But you did try to defile a man'’s anus in our living room.

You don'’t get to put this on me. You basically told me I couldn'’t even look at you when I was in this house.

And naturally you took that as an invitation to turn our home into a brothel. Well guess what?

You were wrong. [laughs]

So enjoy your new hobby.

All better! Thanks, Owen.

[whoosh]

- Jordan. - [tense music starts]

You cannot be here. There'’s a restraining order.

Did you really think a little piece of paper was gonna keep me away, babe?

How many times do I have to tell you I am not, and I will never be your babe.

[tense music continues]

All I want is to be with you.

Is that so hard to understand, babe?

Is it...?! [violins shriek]

[whoosh]

[musak with basso nova beat]

[Owen] Lark, Angela.

Maybe you can help settle a bet between me and Franklin.

Owen, sweetie, let'’s not do this. [chuckles]

Isn'’t he cute? [battle drums start]

[Owen] Okay. Franklin says that even though it'’s just trash,

[Owen] the Househusbands of Pacoima is the best thing on TV right now.

Personally, I think it'’s Our Flag Means Death.

But no matter what I say, Franklin just, what is it,

you can'’t get enough of that hot juicy goss from the Pacoima-men. Is that their nickname?

- It'’s just Pacoimen. - [gasps]

[Lark] Oh my god. I have an MBA and a law degree, and I cannot stop watching.

What is wrong with me?

Oh my god. You love that show too? Look, Franklin!

- Lark loves that show too! - Mmm hmm. What a small world.

I don'’t know if I'd say love. It'’s more like a pathology.

I'’m fluent in four languages, but I can only understand like 40% of what they'’re saying.

I'’m seriously considering therapy.

Well you and Franklin should have viewing parties. Wouldn'’t that be fun, babe?

So much fun.

[gasps] Do you watch it live?

- Every Tuesday. - From 8 o'’clock until I hate myself.

It'’s like watching someone light a toilet on fire,

and then throw that toilet into another toilet.

[laughs] Oh my god, I love you. [gasps] You must love Tom. Tell me you love Tom.

Tom belongs in the fucking ground.

I know, right? Who'’s your favorite, babe?

Oh, I don'’t know. [laughs] I

- Um... - I thought you said it was Gary.

Gary...?

- Gary. - Gary who punched the cameraman

and threw up on his daughter'’s second divorce cake?

[Lark] Gary is your favorite...?

No, definitely not Gary. Definitely not Gary. Um...

[Franklin] [tsk, laughs] You know, I'’m not quite sure who my favorite is.

[Franklin] I'’ll just have to get back to you on that one. Yeah.

- He'’s just like Danny. Totally indecisive. - Oh my god you'’re right. Danny is such a mess.

Just like Franklin! He cannot make up his mind about anything ever!

There are times we go out and I'’m like, "“Babe, pick a meal already. I'’m starving."” [laughs]

I'’m getting better. [laughs]

Really? Are you? Because just last month,

[Owen] he spent twenty minutes scanning the menu of that grilled cheese restaurant.

All they do is grilled cheese.

Angela, uh, what do you like to do in your relaxation time?

I love books.

- [battle drums start] - How interesting!

Owen... loves to read.

I'’m I wouldn't say that.

I I I enjoy reading every now and then.

I have never see anyone read faster than you.

I have seen him blow through three, maybe four books a week.

Owen, you should join our book club.

You totally should.

We'’re in the middle of this book by Alyssa Cole. It is wonderful.

Well, maybe I should wait until you start a new book.

The way you read? You would have no problem catching up.

[Angela] To be honest our book club has gotten a bit stale.

We could use some fresh blood.

Isn'’t this great?

Great!

Yay! Why don'’t I get us some dessert?

- Can I help? - No no no. You just stay seated.

[battle drums start]

Isn'’t my husband just the best?

[battle drums start]

[Owen] Welcome back babe.

I was just asking Angela and Lark if they knew of anyone who could help you manage your fear of pizza deliveries.

I'’m not sure what Owen is talking about. I am fine with pizza.

Oh, babe. This is a safe space.

[Angela] There is nothing to be ashamed of. I was terrified of escalators for years.

I mean oh thank you I don'’t think I got over it until I was twelve.

I'’m not sure why Owen felt the need to bring this up.

Well, I I didn'’t want to , but,

He'’s gotten so bad lately that he not only runs and hides in the closet.

He then requires them to throw the pizza onto the porch,

drive away, send a picture. There'’s all these steps. And it gets cold before I can even get out there.

[Franklin] He'’s exaggerating. [laughs]

Angela said that there'’s a great therapist in town who people seem to really love.

- Isn'’t that great, babe? - Mmm, that'’s very kind. Thank you.

So how long have you two been together?

- [tsk] Oh... - Ah, I don'’t know. Um...

Gosh, what'’s it been? Like, fifteen years now?

Wow. Did you start dating in high school.

We did. We did.

I was valedictorian, you know, because of all the books I read.

Yeah, Franklin was in second.

- He'’s a little bitter about it. - [uncomfortable laugh]

Oh and we went to college together. I was valedictorian there, too.

[coughs]

Mmm!

This is amazing.

Thank you. [laughs]

Where'’s my plate, babe?

Oh, you don'’t get one, remember?

- Not really. - Oh, the doctor said no food or drink after 7:34 p.m.

That is oddly specific.

I'’m sure we can make an exception tonight.

And risk you in terrible pain? Absolutely not.

Ah dah dah daht! Water only.

7:34 p.m.

He might soil the bed otherwise.

- Babe. - You don'’t have to be ashamed of your condition.

This is a safe space.

It'’s called Shrew's Ailment.

It'’s related to Crone's.

I I'’m actually doing much better now.

Thanks to your very strict diet.

Oh, this is possibly the best thing I'’ve ever eaten. [laughs]

Mmm.

[battle drums start]

- Do you have something to write with? - What was that bullshit about me soiling the bed?

[Franklin] I need a pen. Are you sure you don'’t have a pen?

Can we both agree to fuck the pen? Because right now we'’re about to have a really big fight.

them. No we'’re not, because I need to compile a list of our new hobbies, phobias, and

- Thanks to you. - Thanks to me?

- You'’re the one who said I'm Picasso. - I didn'’t say anything remotely close to that.

Point is, you started this.

I needed to say something as to the reason why my pantless husband was

- face down on the floor on top of another man. - And painting was the best choice?

Oh, I'’m sorry I couldn't come up with something better in the two and a half seconds that I was given.

But then why offer to have me donate a painted I haven'’t done?

Because I was angry with you!

I don'’t know why you were mad at me for wanted to have a sex life.

Because instead of making reasonable accommodations for your physical needs,

you impulsively concocted a tawdry rendezvous with a common drifter.

- What century are you from!?! - Oh, and speaking of impulsive,

great job on making yourself a double-valedictorian, a word you probably can'’t even spell.

I figured it made sense since I enjoy reading so much.

Oh, good! Well hopefully you will open a book and close your obnoxious mouth.

Because thanks to you and your stupidity, you have made the lives ahead of us much harder.

- [battle drums] - You know what? I'’m going for a walk.

I'’ll be back when I fucking feel like it.

And for the record, you'’re making me quickly consider going back to where I came from,

because getting brutally murdered by the mob is quickly becoming my first choice!

- Not now, Claude. - [Claude] Owen, I am so sorry! I did not know you had any food allergies

How do you feel about flan?

Mmmh.

[whoosh]

And you'’ll make sure she gets this?

Yes.

And you'’re sure I can't call her.

If you do, you'’re putting her in danger.

It'’s just that she doesn't have much time.

I might be able to set up a call.

If I hear anything, I'’ll leave a note.

[whoosh]

[somber music starts]

[front door opens and shuts]

You waited up, I'’m honored.

Hey.

What'’s wrong?

She'’s dead.

Who?

My mom.

[glasses clink]

To your mom.

How'’d she die?

Cancer.

Fuck cancer.

- Fuck cancer. - [Owen chokes]

You okay?

- You swore. - [laughs]

You know how to swear.

- Just because I swear when I want to doesn'’t mean - No, no. Shh.

Don'’t ruin this.

- Let'’s get white girl wasted. - [laughs]

[gentle music starts]

[Franklin] I just wish I got to see her one last time.

I hear you.

You know, I really thought they were going to catch

I thought I'’d be able to see her again.

[gentle music continues]

Who was he? The guy the cops are after.

It was just... this student-turned-stalker.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Nothing stopped him. Not personal pleas.

Not restraining orders.

Nothing.

Then he got violent, and...

I pressed charges, and they went to arrest him, but...

He disappeared.

[Franklin] But the attacks kept coming. And getting worse.

You did the right thing.

I did what I did.

You probably saved someone else from being killed by him.

Did I?

He'’s still out there.

They'’re gonna get him.

When they do, you'’ll go back to your real life, and...

I'’m gonna be very happy for you.

Happy to be rid of me.

No, don'’t, please. I'm...

I'’m actually enjoying this right now.

You don'’t like me very much.

I'’m fine with you.

You'’re a good liar.

I'’m not lying.

Please.

Hey.

I'’m serious.

I'’m not lying.

Why don'’t we start over? I'm Owen.

Franklin.

Hi Franklin. Nice to meet you.

I enjoy reading books and painting.

[sobs] And I enjoy trashy TV like Real Housemen.

House Husbands.

Hey, you... you don'’t need to watch. We...

- We can change that backstory, and - [sobs]

It'’s not that. It's not that.

It'’s just that...

We'’re gonna be here a really long time.

And I already miss teaching.

And I hate making makeup exchanges. And...

[sniffs] I don'’t know if I'll ever get my life back.

[laughs] And I'’m gonna be stuck here with pom poms.

Listen to me.

They'’re gonna catch that guy.

[Owen] And before you know it,

I'’m gonna be a divorcee,

and you'’re gonna be back to teaching astronomy.

[laughs] English.

- Ah! Of course. I should'’ve seen that with all the books. - [laughs]

[gentle music plays]

You have a really strong chest.

Thank you.

I know I give you a hard time.

But I really like you.

I think you have a lot of potential.

- I just want to see you use it. - [laughs]

What for?

[Franklin] Anything you want.

You have really pretty eyes.

We should get you to bed.

[laughs]

This room is a mess. [laughs]

I'’ll clean it. Come on. Let's get you to bed.

- Boo. - Boo yourself.

Hey, husband.

Hey.

I know this sucks, but...

I'’m glad we're doing it together.

[I woke up in the middle of the night]

[Opened my eyes and my oh my]

[I'’m dreamin', dreamin'’ of you]

[Well all my dreams are sweet]

[When I lay me down to sleep]

[And I dream of you]

[Don'’t gimme no fuss, don't gimme no fight]

[There'’s only one thing in the middle of the night I need]

[That'’s dreamin' of you]

[Well all my dreams are sweet]

[When I lay me down to sleep]

[I'’ll dream of you]

[guitar solo]

[You can tell your mama and your daddy too]

[Your brother and your sisters and your best friends too]

[I'’m dreamin,' dreamin'’ of you]

[Well all my dreams are sweet When I lay me down to sleep]

[I dream of you.]