Original subtitles

Rule one of witness protection: trust no one.

How am I supposed to be married to this?

- Whoa! Married? - You are the Fultons.

And you love each other so much, your lives depend on it.

I'’m not leaving Calvin.

Let'’s just say you don't bring home your ecstasy dealer to meet your parents.

- Cash. - And I think it goes without saying that we will not now,

nor will we ever have sex. Physical intimacy with me is earned.

Thank you for calling Adore Me Cosmetics. This is Franklin speaking.

Bartolo! I might be a little drunk.

- But we are entirely incompatible. - This is witness protection.

Not crime victim tinder.

I know we haven'’t gotten off to the best start...

But I truly want us to be a team.

[long, nasty burp]

[soothing, meditative music]

[meditative music continues]

[birds chirp]

[meditative music continues]

[thump]

[meditative music continues]

- [vomits and coughs] - [music abruptly stops]

[sighs and breathes]

Ugh.

[heavy bass rock music]

- [club dance music starts] - [Manfindr app chimes]

More than I thought.

[incoming message chime]

- [outgoing message swoosh] - [incoming message chime]

[incoming message chime]

Thought you'’d never ask.

[club dance music continues]

Do you want a drink?

I'’m good. Thanks.

Okay. Well...

If memory serves, you wanted me to do...

- [buttons rip from shirt] - Yes, sir!

Let'’s get these off, shall we?

Whatever you say, sir.

[club dance music continues]

[thump]

Thong.

- You like? - Absolutely.

[club dance music gets louder]

[happy, whistling music starts]

- [remote locking beeps] - [happy, whistling musics continues]

- [happy music ends abruptly] - Oh my Lord!

[Lenny] Holy shit!

Oh. Where are my manners.

Franklin, this is Hungry Bottom Bitch Lenny.

[Lenny] It'’s my user name.

Hungry Bottom Bitch Lenny, this is Franklin. Also known as The Judgment Queen.

- I'’m his husband. - You'’re married?

- I dunno. Are we babe? - Of course we...

Are you trying to ruin everything?

What do you care since you'’re gonna be gone soon anyway?

Oh, so you'’re just gonna blow our cover.

- [door knocks] - Who is that?

- The neighbors. - Did you hit your head?

[Franklin] No! After what you said last night, I thought I would invite the neighbors over.

- [door knocks] - We can'’t keep them waiting. What do you do for work?

- Why the fuck does that matter? - Just... shhh!

- Larry? - Lenny.

Lenny. Whatever. What do you do for work?

- I'’m an insurance salesman. - Okay, great. Easy story.

Uh, get dressed, and we'’ll say that you were here to sell us insurance.

Find his shorts! [calling to neighbors] I'’ll be right there! I have my hands full!

- Button your shirt! - Yeah, that'’s not going to be possible.

[Franklin] What happened? Why did you not even--

Hey! Don'’t kink shame him.

I'’m not! Get him into the kitchen!

Come on. Let'’s go.

- [whoosh] - [suspenseful music starts]

- I thought you said he wasn'’t going to be home! - Shhh! Be quiet!

- [Calvin] Peter are you home? - [Peter] I'’ll be right there.

- Where the fuck should I hide? - [Calvin] Who are you talking to?

- [door slams] - Hey. Calvin.

- [Peter] I thought you were going to brunch with Sam and Dave.

[Calvin] I was, but Sam'’s sick.

[Calvin] What are you doing in the guest room?

[Peter] Oh, I was looking for my running shoes. Do you know where they are?

[Calvin] The really smelly ones? I put those in the bathroom.

[door opens then shuts]

- [Calvin] Mmmm. - [kissing sounds]

- [pensive music] - [kissing sounds]

- [Calvin] What'’s this for? - [Peter] Because I felt like it.

- [Peter] Wanna have sex before you go out? - [Calvin] Fuck yeah!

[Peter] Go to the bedroom. I'’ll be right there.

- [door opens] - Give it five minutes, then get out of here.

[door closes]

[pensive music continues]

[musak with bossa nova beat]

[musak with bossa nova beat continues]

So glad you could come.

Me, too.

[musak with bossa nova beat continues]

[clunk]

It'’s beautiful. [laughs]

[musak with bossa nova beat continues]

[scritch]

[musak with bossa nova beat continues]

Ah! Out the window!

I'’m not going outside like this.

[Owen] [distant] I don'’t care if you'’re naked.

[laughs] Owen'’s just running a little late.

He'’s just getting out of the shower.

- Please be quiet. - You just shouted at me!

- [musak with bossa nova beat] - And he has a brain injury.

Here. Put these on.

- These are not going to stay up. - If you hold them up, they will.

- While I'’m dangling outside the window? - It'’s a single story house, not the Empire State Building.

You know, I don'’t think I wanna go out the window. I have a bad wrist. It'’s not

[Owen] You'’re gonna be fine. Get up on the counter.

- This is not a good idea. Ow! - Up you go!

[Lenny] Careful!

Come on! Open up the window.

- Open it up! - It'’s stuck!

[musak with bossa nova beat]

Do you mind if I put this in the fridge? It needs to stay cool.

[Distant voice] Those are my balls! Jesus Christ!

[musak with bossa nova beat continues]

Is Owen... okay?

He'’s just looking for his medication. I'’ll take this.

[Owen grunts]

[Franklin] What are you doing?

- The stupid lock is stuck! - You have to wiggle it the special way.

safe. - What the fuck are you talking about? - [Franklin] It is a WitSec

Do you not read any of the Where are you pants?

- You didn'’t find his shorts? - I am hosting! Get out of my way!

[Franklin] Come on! It'’s supposed to open when you wiggle it. Why won'’t this open?

It'’s supposed to open when you wiggle it!

[window lock wiggling]

My brother has a kid, and nobody can open those.

We can figure that out later. Come over to the sink. You have to wet your hair.

- What? No! - I told them you were showering. Your hair needs to be wet.

- I could have used a dryer. - Did you hear a dryer? Put your head in the

Ahhhh! No! Fuck me blue!

- [musak with bossa nova beat] - [distant screams]

Stop dripping on your shirt. You'’re supposed to be getting out of the shower, not a hurricane.

I'’m sorry for not turning off physics before sticking my head in ice water.

- I bet our neighbors are enjoying the show. - Oh, it'’s fine. I told them you had a brain injury.

- What...?! - Uh! Chh!

- We need to figure out how to get rid of... - My name'’s Lenny.

- [Owen and Franklin] SHHHH! - Okay. Oh! A tour. A house tour.

I will take them on a tour of the bedroom and the dining room and you can sneak him out the front door.

- Fine by me. What about my shorts? - I'’ll get you some shorts and I'’ll leave them in the hallway.

- [musak with bossa nova beat] - Hello again. I just put your delicious cake in the fridge.

[Franklin] [forced laughter] Ooh! I know what would be fun.

How about a house tour? Yeah. Let'’s take you on a house tour.

[ominous drone starts]

- [ominous drone gets louder] - [Owen] Wait a minute!

- [distant rock band plays] - [distant crowd noises]

[Axel] I said, wait a minute!

Tommy. What are you doing here?

What'’s this I hear from the guys about you quitting?

- Well, I-- - Didn'’t your mother get the money you asked me to give her?

street? - Yes. - [Tommy] And didn'’t that money save her from

- Yes. - And didn'’t you agree that if I gave your mother that money that you would work for me?

[Axel] Yes, but-- - And... Aren'’t you getting paid?

- Oh. - Yeah, but I was thinking that eight months seems like a fair amount of

[laughs] Oh, is that what you think?

[distant, driving rock beat continues]

Eight months is fair. Hmmm.

What else do you think?

Do you think I'’m a... idiot?

- What...? - Do you think I am a fucking idiot?

stupid bitch and then - No. - [Tommy] Because only an idiot would hand

let her dipshit son walk out on his agreement!

- [Axel] I'’m not walking out. - You'’re goddamn right you're not walking out!

[Tommy] I decide what'’s fair. Not you.

You work for me until I tell you you don'’t.

Do you understand?

If you try to quit...

- if you go to the cops... - I would never go to the cops.

[Tommy] If you disappear or go to the cops I will fucking kill you.

I will kill your fucking mother, and anyone you have ever fucking cared about in your entire fucking life!

[Tommy] You understand?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!

[Axel] I understand.

Good.

- Get out there. [Whoosh]

- Oh! Oh! - Whoa! [thump]

[Owen] My dick! Oh!

[Owen] Where are my manners? Uh, this is Lenny.

Hello.

- Hello. - Hi.

He'’s painting him! Owen is an amateur painter. He started back in therapy.

[whispered] Why would you... [louder] I don'’t really like to tell people about my painting.

But you'’re so talented. Here's your shorts. [laughs] He... He spilled paint on his shorts.

[Franklin] Artists! Am I right? [laughs]

Yeah, Owen hired Lenny as a model to study the human body.

I don'’t need the money.

I just really love to watch an artist grow.

- [soundlessly mouths "“Leave."”] - Well. It was nice to meet you.

[upbeat pop song starts]

[Don'’t kill my vibe, baby]

[I'’m walking on the moon.÷}

[Don'’t kill my vibe, baby]

[I'’m walking on the moon]

[Walk with me!]

[Don'’t kill my vibe, baby]

[I'’m walking on the moon.]

[Don'’t kill my vibe, baby]

[I'’m walking on the moon.]