Original subtitles

Owen...?

- [Owen screams] - [Franklin screams]

- Nope! - Rule one of witness protection: Trust no one.

- How am I supposed to be married to this? - Whoa, married?

This is not how newlyweds act!

Owen is your husband. Franklin is your husband

You are the Fultons.

And you love each other so much...

Your lives depend on it.

I am pretending to be your husband so as not to be murdered by a madman.

But Diane said they are very close to catching the monster who is trying to kill me and

once they do, I am out of here.

Calm down, Crisis. This place is fine.

And I'm the best roommate you could ever hope for.

Work this shit out.

[crickets]

- [floor creaks] - [muffled footsteps]

- [Franklin] What do you think you're doing? - Fuck me naked! I thought you were asleep.

Um. No.

- What's with the undead look? - I'm adopting the ideal body position for relaxation.

That's weird.

No. It's science.

Well, science makes you look like a preppy vampire.

Go back to your couch.

No can do.

- Do. - Ugh.

It's a back breaker.

And as much as I really like you

I'm not willing to mess up my body for you.

[gentle music starts]

Franklin?

Franklin?

Franklin...

Franklin, I know you're awake.

Your powers of perception are astonishing.

I'm just wondering what your real name is.

I'm not going to tell you that.

The first thing they teach us in WITSEC is never reveal your former identity to anyone.

- I just figured- - It is bedtime!

Okay.

We can talk about it in the morning.

[gentle music continues]

[Owen sighs]

Ugh!

I'm sorry. It's just so freaking quiet in here.

Maybe if we talk for a little while it would help me fall asleep. And then--

No talking.

Just sleeping.

Okay.

Oh! Heads up, I'm--

No talking! Sleep! Now!

[battle drums start]

Hey! Why'd you steal the sheets?

Maybe because you are a childish cretin who stole them off of me.

Well the least you can do is share.

[battle drums play]

Sharing implies that both people get to use the object.

You're not that great at sharing either, Dracula.

What is your damage?

Shh! No talking. Just sleeping.

Ow!

Sleep well!

[heavy bass rock music]

[crickets chirp]

No!

- [thump] - Aaaahhhhhh!

- Eyes! - Ow!

- [thump] No! - Oh!

Ugh, ohhhhhhhh!

Franklin, it's me!

Oh! Fuck! Me!

What the fuck was that?

Self defense. You attacked me.

I spooned you in my sleep.

How was I supposed to know that?

In my model mugging class they say to render your attacker defenseless

and then call 9-1-1.

- Model mugging? - It's self defense.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

None of this would have happened if you would have stayed out of my bed.

Wow. Okay.

[breathes]

Pause, reflect...

then act.

First, let's get one thing straight.

This...? Is not your bed.

This is our bed.

And I couldn't stay out of our bed,

because some maniac destroyed our TV.

- It was my night! - Because you made up a bunch of stupid rules.

Personally, I'm fine sleeping next to strangers,

even if they are a freak show corpse bride!

It is science!

Look. It's late, I'm tired.

I assume you're tired too.

- Why would you assume that? - Because I can't... handle...

the thought that you're always this unreasonable!

- [Franklin] I am not unreasonable! - Tell that to my balls!

- I thought you were Jordan! - Who's Jordan?!

[pensive music starts]

Nobody.

It doesn't matter.

Let's just...

let's just go back to sleep.

And don't... touch me this time.

Great.

Why don't we ask science how I'm supposed to police myself while I'm sleeping.

[birds chirp]

[alarm rings]

Really...? Ugh...

[alarm continues]

- [smack] - [suspenseful music starts]

What's going on?

I guess I made a few mistakes.

A few mistakes is an A minus.

This isn't remotely close to your normal work.

It's like you wanted to be called into my office.

- I did. - Jordan.

I have office hours. You know that.

Your schedule was full until next month and I couldn't wait.

If you would've emailed me I would've found the time--

I couldn't take that chance.

Hey.

Are you okay?

Yes.

Sorry. This just isn't how I saw this playing out.

It's just this is really weird for me to say.

Are you... in danger?

- No. - Because if you're being followed again, we can call campus--

No!

No, I'm fine.

It's just that...

I'm in love with you.

Jordan.

Even if fraternizing between teachers and students was allowed--

And I know that deep down

you're in love with me too.

No.

No...?

But what about all those late night meetings last semester?

- The grading sessions? - You took me out for dinner afterward.

To thank you for being a responsible TA. Look.

I... I'm sorry if I misled you into thinking there were emotions or feelings.

But there were feelings.

Just admit it. You fucking love me!

I think this meeting is over.

And I think that you need to transfer out my class and into Professor Frye's.

No. Please. No.

I love you, and I know that you love me too.

Carl, I need security.

You don't need to do that.

You really don't need to do that.

[Owen groans]

What are you doing?

Drinking the juice I bought.

You're welcome, B T Dubs.

[Owen] Ah, come on. That's so wasteful.

[Franklin] I'm not accustomed to drinking backwash.

Citrus. No germs.

What...? That's not even how that... Ugh.

[Franklin] Look. We don't know how long we're gonna be here.

Uh, we do, actually. The rest of our lives.

And I don't know about you, but I'm planning on living at least another 70 years.

I think we should think about setting some ground rules.

Heh. I'm real excited to hear where that's going.

First rule. We don't drink from liquid containers.

I thought rule one was that I'm not allowed to call you babe.

Babe.

It doesn't matter what number it is. They're all equally important.

Next rule. It would be nice if you didn't constantly run around the house naked.

C'mon, Bart. There's nothing wrong with boxers.

- My name's not Bart. - Barto. Yeah. You're more of a Barto.

Must you be such a child.

Bartolo!

I'm not going to tell you my name.

I don't really feel comfortable being around you

without knowing your real name.

Oh, but you are comfortable being around me most of the time

wearing only your undergarments.

Using words like undergarments

makes me think your name is Winchester.

Or Kensington.

And it's perfectly natural for me to be in my underpants around my husband.

Okay, let's get this straight. We are not married.

You keep saying that, but

I have papers that prove otherwise.

Uh... Outside of our house we will pretend to be married.

But inside we will not.

No touching. And I think it goes without saying

that we will not now nor will we ever, have sex.

Physical intimacy with me is earned.

And not the sloppy by-product of some horrendously mismanaged

witness protection assignment.

God.

I love when you talk dirty to me.

- [sighs] - [phone alarm rings]

As much as I love our us time,

it's time to start my first day as a tele-helper.

What are you talking about? We don't start work for another month.

Nah, I doubt I'll be here that long. But...

Either way, I chose to begin early.

What's the rush?

Take some time off. You kinda earned it.

[Franklin] You may be comfortable being a pathetic failure of a human who leeches off of other people

but I plan on doing something constructive with my time here on earth

that doesn't include helping other people's children OD.

I never sold to chil--

You know what? Go fuck yourself.

I'm going out.

[slow whoosh]

[Franklin] So you'll be meeting with me once a month to make sure everything's okay.

And you'll be dropping notes via letter.

Is there anything else I missed?

A lot of people think this is a great opportunity to reinvent themselves.

- Think about things you've always-- - I don't think I'll need to do that.

It's important that you remember this is an adjustment.

Yeah, a temporary adjustment.

Well, as long as Jordan is in the wind, you're gonna be in our program.

Right, but... My lawyer said that the authorities were close to apprehending him.

Look.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

Yeah. It is possible that they will catch him quickly, and you'll get to return to your normal life.

But you can't depend on that.

It's important that you integrate yourself into this new situation.

- [Diane's phone chimes]

Thank you for calling Adore Me Cosmetics. This is Franklin speaking.

May I please have your name, and a brief description of how I can help you today?

[jaunty music]

Absolutely Ms. Warren. Exchanges are easy to do.

I just need your transaction number and the...

zip code associated with your address for confirmation.

[door opens]

[Owen] Bartolo...?

- Mm hmm... [Owen] Bartolo!

Hi!

I need to tell you two things.

- May I place you onto a brief hold?

I'm with a customer.

Real quick. I need to tell you two things.

The first one is that I might be a little drunk.

- Really. - And the second one is...

I know how apologies work.

Owen. We're gonna have to talk about this later.

That's good. That's great. I can totally wait.

- [beep] - So I have zip code 90210, and street address...

Franklin! Have you felt how soft this is...?

And you are exchanging the sultry liquid mascara.

I'm sorry. That's not okay.

Do not call her mascara slutty.

- [laughs] - Can I put you on hold for just one more second?

- [beep] - What is wrong with you?

The product is called sultry liquid mascara.

Not slutty.

Oh.

My bad.

- What's wrong with it? - I don't know. She wants to return it for a matte eye pen.

A matte eye pen in exchange for mas...

That's bullshit.

- What are you doing?

Hi. Mrs. Warren?

- [Ms. Warren] Yes.? - Hi, I'm Owen. Franklin's supervisor.

- And he's informed me that you'd like to exchange the slu-- - Sultry!

Right, yes. The sultry liquid mascara for the matte eye pen. Is that correct?

[Ms. Warren] That's right.

Very good. Franklin will be back on the line in just a moment to handle the details of the exchange.

But for our records, may I please ask why you are returning this product.

[Ms. Warren] Well, I... I'm just not sure I can pull it off.

Oh, oh, Mrs. Warren.

- I understand. I too have had problems with self-confidence and--

[thump]

- [beep] - Hi? Uh, Ms. Warren? Sorry, Owen had to take another call.

- No, I didn't. NO I DIDN'T! - But, uh, once you get your product In the return envelope

- Mrs. Warren? You wear that mascara! - Make sure that you place the product in the return envelope

- Mrs. Warren...? You're beautiful too! - And that you get it to the post office within a week of receiving

- If you just want to wear it, then wear it! - Is there anything else I can help you with today? No? Great! Thank

- [beep] - Well that was a missed opportunity.

Are you of sound mind?

All I'm saying is that she could have used a little affirmation.

Is this a white person thing?

I need that job.

What for? According to you, you won't be stuck with little old drug dealing me for long.

I didn't want to be one, you know.

- [pensive music starts] - Had to, because my mom was dying.

And you know what? I don't know what's worse.

The fact that I thought maybe there was a chance I could start a new life with new people

in a new place, or the fact that I knew it was too good to be true.

I never should have lied on my information sheet.

What...?

The WitSec information sheet?

I wrote down what I hoped to be.

But it turns out that I'm still bullshit.

[door knocks]

- Why am I here? - Owen lied on his information sheet!

- Are you fucking kidding me? - No, it's true.

- [Owen laughs] - I lied to everyone.

- You called me here for that? - Right?

- Oh, Jesus. First, you are clearly cut off for the night. - Boo!

Second, you cannot keep messaging me "urgent emergency come ASAP" if it's not life or death.

Right, but Owen...

Lied on his information sheet. So what?

So what?

- You put him with me. - Hey!

You're no prize either, Bartolo.

- Bartolo? - He won't tell me his real name.

Do you see what I'm putting up with?

[Diane] The forms are to make people in the program seem like they have some control over their placement.

It has very little to do with how we actually place people.

But we are entirely incompatible.

This is witness protection! Not crime victim tinder.

We placed you where we had a spot, with a person who won't kill you.

- That's that. - Told you Bart.

- Olo. - How is this supposed to work?

You know, he harassed me in the middle of a work phone call today.

I was helping a customer make an exchange.

To be fair...

I was helping her see she doesn't need anyone's approval to wear what she wants to wear.

[Franklin] She was making the exchange because she changed her mind.

[Diane] Okay I am not even going to...

You are partnered up. That's the end of this discussion.

[Franklin] Okay, but... have you heard from my lawyer?

- No. - Why do you need to talk to your lawyer?

But do you think maybe I could call her to find out...

[Diane] That is completely out of the question.

Should anything come to my attention regarding your situation, I will let you know.

And until that time, do not attempt any communication with her.

- But... - And do not message me again

unless one of you is bleeding out, or your house is literally on fire.

- [door opens] - [door slams]

Why do you need a lawyer?

None of your business!

[gentle music starts]

[Owen] Look. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but...

this place isn't that bad.

Neighbors seem nice.

Not that one who puts nuts in muffins.

That guy is dogshit.

I'm talking about the woman next door.

[sighs]

I know we haven't gotten off to the best start, but...

I truly want us to be a team.

[long, nasty burp]

I was really hoping for a fresh start.

Now that doesn't surprise me.

- [front door opens] - When are you gonna be back?

[front door shuts]

Bartolo...?

[rock drum hits]

[Walk My Anger Down by The Rafters]

[Every time I think of what you said]

[I see burning red]

[How could you dismiss me that way?]

[You must know that you have crossed that line]

[One too many times and you've]

[gone too far to pretend it's all in play]

[Next time you start in to throwing]

[sharpened words around]

[I'm gonna walk outside]

[Walk my anger down }

[Swallow my pride, walk my anger down]

[Can't discuss it now, you know I can't talk now]

[But I'll come back ready to love you]

[Come back ready to love you]

[somehow]

[Every time I close my eyes I see]

[Tears in front of me]

[And I get that shaky feeling once again]

[There's no understanding in this house]

[Only fear and doubt]

[And it's coming down to a question of when]

[I'm tired of being patronized and treated like a clown]

[I'm gonna walk outside]

[Walk my anger down]

[Swallow my pride]

[Walk my anger down]

[Can't discuss it now, you know I can't talk now]

[But I'll come back ready to love you]

[Come back ready to love you somehow]

[Walk my anger down!]

[guitar solo]