Original subtitles

[gentle, meditative music]

[Calm voice] We greet every morning as a new beginning.

[Calm voice] A fresh and unblemished canvas on which to create our day.

[Calm voice] Opportunity is all around us

to experience a joyful serenity.

[Calm voice] And while we acknowledge our struggle with anger,

we recognize that we do not need to be

impulsive or destructive in our behavior.

[Calm voice] We can, instead, choose to pause...

reflect... and then act.

[Calm voice] For it is in the contemplation of our behavior

that we rise above rage.

[Calm voice] Pause....

reflect...

and then act.

Pause, reflect...

[music abruptly ends]

[tense music]

[birds chirp]

Thank you, Claude.

[spits] Agh!

[snap of epipen]

Jesus Christ!

[heavy bass rock music]

[birds chirp]

[Calm voice] One way to defuse feelings of anger

is to express those feelings.

[Calm voice] It is important to avoid hostility.

[Calm voice] Again, pause...

reflect...

and then act.

[birds chirp]

- [gentle, meditative music] - What kind of animal...

- What kind of animal...

- puts walnuts...

- in muffins! - [clang! clang! clang! clang!]

[gentle, meditative music]

[car drives away]

[birds chirp]

[Calm voice] Be in harmony with your world.

You deserve to be happy.

You deserve to be well.

[Calm voice] Invite yourself to experience simple pleasures.

[gentle, meditative music]

Mmmm...

- [door opens and closes] - [suspenseful music]

[Franklin] Owen...?

Hello?

Owen?

- [Owen screams] - [Franklin screams]

[battle drums start]

Nope!

I should warn you, the fucking police are watching the house.

And I'm armed!

Did you hear me? I'm armed!

- Ahhhhhh! - Stay back!

Ugh! Get the fuck out of my house, you assassin!

Are you insane?

Diane said she told you I was coming!

- Liar!

Just a minute!

[music with a heavy dance beat]

Peter, you're so fucking hot!

[sounds of a happy ending, happy new year!]

[Auld Lang Syne with a dance beat plays]

I gotta be honest...

You keep that up, I'm gonna fall for you.

Yeah, sure. [laughs]

Hey. I'm serious. I like you.

Yeah. I know.

[Axel] I was thinking that, uh,

maybe this week we could meet up a little earlier.

- How come? Are you going on vacation again? - No.

I just was thinking...

- Uhh!

It might be nice to go get some dinner or something.

Dinner.

[Axel] And breakfast. Come on. Think about it.

Mind melting sex. Then sleep...

[Axel] Then wake up to more mind melting sex. Win win.

Well, yeah, if those were the only factors, it would be great.

Mm, what's the problem?

I'm not leaving Calvin.

Well, you say that now but I happen to know...

I like you a lot.

Let's just say you don't bring home your ecstasy dealer to meet your parents.

I'm sorry, that, that was just...

Can't we just go back to how it was?

Aw, don't be mad.

Totally. Don't worry about it.

- [door knocks] - Fuck off!

Same time next week?

[Peter] Always.

Cash.

Friends and family discount?

I would, but...

you'd need to be family...

Or a friend.

Don't be mad.

- [whoosh] - [door knocks]

[louder door knocks]

[persistent door knocks]

- [door slams] - [whoosh]

[Diane] What did I just tell you about texting the emergency code?

It's! For! Emergencies!

I dropped you off 90 seconds ago. What is the problem?

- He attacked me! - He scared me!

Are you two serious?

Rule one of witness protection: trust no one.

[Diane] Where did you hear that? Netflix?

- [Franklin] How am I supposed to be married to this? - Whoa! Married?

- You didn't read the note. - You didn't leave me a note.

[Diane] I absolutely slid a letter under your door just yesterday.

Alcalá and Johnson is our code.

- I must've missed it. - [Diane] Unbelievable.

Sorry, I've been busy.

- Busy. Right. - What's that supposed to mean?

Well, when I got here, you were performing fellatio on a cake plate.

I was inviting myself to experience simple -- never mind.

Look. I'm sorry for missing the message,

and I'm sorry for thinking you were an assassin.

- I don't accept. - What?

[Franklin] Your apology. I don't accept it.

Uh, yes you do. I said I'm sorry, now you forgive me.

Diane, tell him to forgive me.

[Franklin] Obviously, you don't understand how apologies work.

I know exactly how they work. I say I'm sorry even though you're a douchebag, and you say no worries.

Uh, I say no worries if I accept it. Which I don't.

- Guys. - [Owen] You know what?

I'm not sorry anymore.

Also...? Fuck you.

Aren't I the luckiest groom in the world?

Hey. I'm real excited you're living here, too, ass-lick.

[door knocks]

Oh hi. I'm your neighbor, Claude.

You fuckin' psycho. You almost killed me with those muffins!

- Oh, but... Are you... Are you okay?

Okay. You are obviously emotionally unwell and need a lifetime of therapy.

And I need a new place to live.

Just being in this room is giving my eyes herpes.

Calm down, Crisis. This place is fine.

And I'm the best roommate you could ever hope for.

I would rather live in a mud hut full of lepers.

Okay. That's enough! Both of you!

This is not how newlyweds act.

Owen is your husband. Franklin is your husband.

You are the Fultons and you love each other so much

your lives depend on it.

I thought I was supposed to be married to the guy in the picture on my refrigerator.

- [Owen] How come I got stuck with Johnny Suitcase? - You know...!

- Roger's dead.

They killed him in the middle of his trial.

[somber music continues]

This is not high school, okay.

This is literally life or death.

So you two better figure out how to team up quickly,

or you're not gonna make it.

[sound of Diane's text alert]

I have to go. I have a RideQuick fare.

Listen carefully.

[Diane] I am not your mommy, and I am not your girlfriend.

I am a federal marshal.

And if I have to come through this door again, somebody's getting their ass kicked.

Understand?

Work this shit out.

[somber tone]

[birds chirp]

[tense music]

[Owen] Oh, the mattress is great. You're gonna sleep well tonight.

Everything you just said is incorrect.

Oh, don't worry babe. I don't snore.

My name is Franklin, and that wasn't my concern.

Really? Whenever I sleep in a bed with a person for the first time, I always worry about what weird quirks they have.

Like this one guy kept twitching.

And every once in a while he'd shout out a famous line from a movie.

What are you talking about?

"Stella...!"

"May the odds be ever in your favor!"

Well, you're gonna be a really basket of sunshine, aren't you?

And what movie is that from?

What side do you prefer?

You're not sleeping here tonight.

The only bed's in here.

Yeah. And the couch is out there. I have no desire to sleep next to you.

And I was so hoping to bring sexy back.

- Why do you get the bed? - Maybe because you attacked me in my own home.

[Owen] Okay. I already apologized for throwing a muffin at you. I was defending myself.

- Yeah. Because all assassins travel with three-piece luggage sets. - How was I supposed to know--

Okay, okay. We'll trade off every other night.

I don't know if you're gonna enjoy the couch to be honest.

I passed out on it one night, and let me tell you.

It's a real ball buster, babe.

My name is Franklin, not babe.

What? I can't give my husband a cute pet name?

I am not your husband. I am pretending to be your husband,

so as not to be murdered by a madman.

[Franklin] But Diane said they are very close to catching the monster who is trying to kill me

and once they do, I am out of here.

So forgive me for not trying to be your best friend.

I have friends at home, and they're not criminals.

Wow.

You really don't like being called babe.

- Do you, babe? - Get out.

- [smack] - [Diane] Here you go.

The rest of your welcome packet is in your luggage.

If you need to get in touch, call me here.

[Diane] My cover is realtor slash RideQuick driver.

If you have an emergency, use the text number I wrote on the back and I'll get here as quickly as possible.

If I need to get in touch with you, I'll slide a letter under your door from Alcalá and Johnson Realty.

[Owen] What about him?

Your new husband'll get here later this week, after he finishes testifying.

[Diane] If anyone asks, you came in advance to set up the place.

- Got it? - Cover story received, ma'am.

You need to take this seriously.

Who am I gonna talk to? I don't know anyone.

You'll probably meet your neighbors.

They know a new couple is moving in.

It's important that you keep your story straight.

You're here early to set up your house for your husband.

- Sure. - Say it.

I'm here early to set up my house for my husband.

- I'll be in touch once a month just to make sure everything is okay. - Awesome.

[tense music with heavy drum beats]

[drum beats end, dramatic music continues]

Listen.

I understand that this can feel like a challenging transition.

A lot of people in the program say it helps if they think of this as a new beginning.

A new name, a new address, a new job.

A chance to reinvent themselves.

[whoosh]

- [Voice on TV] Oh my god, can you please turn that thing off? - [distant chainsaw]

[crickets chirp]

[chainsaw gets louder]

[Loud voice on TV] Have you read the owner's manual on that thing?

[Loud voice on TV] Don't be an idiot. Chainsaws don't come with owner's manuals.

[loud chainsaw continues]

[chainsaw sound from distant TV]

[Distant loud TV] Are you sure this is a good idea?

[Distant loud TV] Of course I know what I'm doing!

- [Loud voice on TV] I'm cutting down this [bleep]ing tree.] - [chainsaw sound continues]

What is this cacophony?

The House Husbands of Pacoima.

Oh. So unscripted reality garbage.

Hey. Reality TV's not garbage. It's real entertainment.

[Franklin] Reality TV is the diseased cousin of real entertainment.

[Loud voice on TV] What happens if that branch hits the house?

[Loud voice on TV] It's not gonna hit the house. What do you think I am? Some kind of moron?

[Loud voice on TV] Did you ask Michelle if it was okay to cut down that tree?

[Loud voice on TV] Look out! Hey! Be careful! That table is expensive.

Can I help you?

It's bedtime.

[Loud voice on TV] Can you turn that thing off for a second?

- [Loud voice on TV] I can't turn it off... - Okay.

[Loud voice on TV] It just keeps going until... ahh... until the tree gets cut down, I guess.

[Loud voice on TV] Or it runs out of gas. Yeah. That's it. When it runs out of gas.

[chainsaw buzzes]

- Good night. - I'm trying to read.

Oh, so it's not really bedtime then, is it?

Are you always this much of a jerk?

I don't know. Do you always have to act like you stepped out of a 1950s sitcom?

[Franklin] All I'm saying is have some respect for the other people who live in this house.

- [chainsaw sound continues] - Say the magic word, babe.

Turn down the volume.

That's a really weird way to say "please," babe.

[Loud voice on TV] [bleep] you, Gary. [bleep] you.

- [Voice on TV] And that was the start of the lawnmower wars. - [volume gets lower]

[Fading voice on TV] It's four [bleep]ing a.m.!

[near silence]

[thump]

Real nice! Real mature!

[blissful silence, crickets chirp]

[TV volume begins to get louder]

[TV gets even louder]

[Distant loud TV] It's four [bleep]ing A.M.!

[sound of lawnmower on TV continues]

[Loud voice on TV] [bleep] you, Gary!

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you. The TV is too loud!

- [Loud voice on TV] [bleep] you, Danny. [bleep] you!

[Franklin] I said... What is wrong with you?

[chugs beer noisily]

[thump]

Well.

Some shithead came in here and took the batteries out of the TV remote.

So I had to go manual.

Is there a problem?

- [lawnmower sound from TV starts] - Oh, no you don't!

[lawnmower sound stops]

- [lawnmower sound starts] - [Loud voice on TV] [bleep] you!

[lawnmower sound stops]

[lawnmower sound starts]

[lawnmower sound stops]

[lawnmower sound starts] [Loud voice on TV] [bleep] you too, Michelle.

[lawnmower sound stops]

Thank you.

[lawnmower sound starts]

I can do this all night!

[lawnmower sound continues]

[Loud voice on TV] Don't make me call the police! Don't make me call the police!

[Loud voice on TV] I'll mow the [bleep]ing lawn whenever I [bleep]ing want.

[Loud voice on TV] Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah...?

[lawnmower sound continues]

[Loud voice on TV] Don't make ME call the police!

[sudden silence]

[crickets chirp]

I'm just gonna plug it back in.

Wrong answer.

- [happy, upbeat pop song starts]

Good night.

- Babe.

[I Love Us by Katrina Stone plays]

[Us is such a simple word]

[And us is much more than you heard.]

[Two little letters come together and... then...]

[Loneliness is cured.]

[Us is something like a dream.]

[And us is fun and fancy free.]

[Two little letters come together and... then....]

[Us makes you and me.]

[I can't get enough, nough, nough...]

[I... love... I... love... us. I love us.]

[Not just another fantasy.]

[Us is as real as can be.]

[Two little letters change forever and... we...]

[Will touch the skies above the sea.]

[Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!]

[I can't get enough, nough, nough...]

[I... love... I... love.... us. I love us.]