All language subtitles for Abbott.Elementary.S03E09.Alex.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX

It's too peaceful
in here.

That's because
these children spend

all of their time
on their phones.
Hm!

They barely interact
with each other.

Isn't that right,
Ava?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

It's probably 'cause they
don't have hand games anymore.

Hey! Do you guys
know Shame?

Rockin' Robin.
Miss Mary Mack.

♪ Miss Mary ♪

♪ Mack, Mack, Mack ♪

♪ All dressed in
black, black, black ♪

Oh, we have
those, too!

Let's do it.
Okay.

♪ Girls rule, boys drool ♪

♪ We use too much fossil fuels ♪

♪ Loser, loser, double loser ♪

♪ Biden drives a P.T. Cruiser ♪

♪ Know the answer,
raise your hand ♪

♪ We live on Native Land ♪

♪ Don't call me sir,
don't call me miss ♪

♪ Aliens do exist ♪
Oh, my.

♪ He's too short,
she's too tall ♪

♪ When will this country fall? ♪

Okay. Okay. Uh...
go back to your phones.

Mr. Eddie,
my tooth is loose.

Mm-hmm.

If it falls out, do I eat it
like I did last time?

I'm a little busy
right now, okay?

You're coloring
a carrot.

Go take a seat for me.
Okay?

So, after the teachers' panel,

a man from the
Philadelphia Activities Fund

approached me about
applying for a grant

for the Garden Goofballs
program.

That would mean field trips
to fields...

seed money for seeds...

and the kids' top request--
matching T-shirts.

So I've been working nonstop
on the proposal

to make that happen.

You know, it's really exciting
to think about what

the Garden Goofballs program
can become,

and to think it all started
because of a fart.

Hi. Mr. Eddie?

I'm subbing for Ms. Teagues
next door this week.

Everything alright?
Well, there's a student

who's had unexcused absences
the last three days.

Just wondering what
the protocol is.

Well, which child?

- Alex.
- Alex Perkins?

He was with me
last year.

Yes, and I noticed he only came
to class twice last week.

Oh, well,
that's not like Alex.

So can you just
not come to school?

No.
Sounds like
you don't have to.

I can't wait
for second grade!

Thanks for letting me know.
I'll look into it.

My tooth! I just
swallowed my tooth!

Yes. This is incredible.

Okay.
Bye, Principal Oldman!

That was Principal Oldman
over at Robinson Prep.

He was calling to personally
thank me for the institution

of the librarian
program.

That's awesome!
Oh, my God!

Superintendent John Reynolds
in my office. Ha ha ha!

Am I being fired?

I was just quoting
that joke.

No, you're not
being fired, Janine.

I-I came in here
to compliment you.

Oh.

"Oh"? That's it?

Y-You thought
you were getting fired,

and now I'm
complimenting you,

and just..."Oh."
Oh.

Anyway, I've been very
impressed with your work.

Your ability to problem-solve
under pressure is why I think

you should be calling a few
more of the shots around here.

Wow.

"Wow." That's the reaction
I was looking for!

When your fellowship
is up,

we really want to offer you
a full-time position here.

A real job here?
Yeah, here.

We think that you have barely
scratched the surface.

You have the chance
to be a superstar.

Minus the flashing lights
and the insane salary.

You would be getting
a little bit of a raise.
Oh!

But you're still
a government worker.
Okay.

Um, but we're gonna
give you that chance.

The district has provided us
with a new software

to detect the use of A.I.
in your work.

You need to understand
this growing technology,

and I thought we could
try it all together.

So here is a poem
by Robert Frost.

And when I hit this button,

it will tell us
if Frost was a robot...

and my entire life
has been a lie.

Ah!
I knew it was all Bobby.

And here is Javon's paper
on World War II.

I-I only used Wikipedia
to make sure I spelled
the names right.

Ha ha ha! Let's go!
Hey. I told you, Mr. C.

I never doubted you,
Javon.

Mainly because
you got a "D" on it.

So we will need to
have a chat about that.

Really, you can use this
on any written material--

books, journals, things
from your everyday life, even.

For example,
here is a lovely e-mail response

from Mrs. Howard
to my weekly newsletter.

And, uh... no, that...

Mrs. Howard
cold as hell!

Yeah, she must
hate your ass.

Stop cursing.

Janine
is 10 minutes late,

which means
she's 30 minutes late,

'cause I'm always
20 minutes late.

Well, she does
better than me

because when I say
I'm gonna be a little late,

I usually just
don't show up.

Well, well, well!

If it isn't
the Autobots.

Or should I say
Decepticons.

I'm already not enjoying
this conversation.

Jacob, what are you
talking about?

Well, you see,
I was demonstrating

the new A.I. detection
software

to my class this morning,
and I thought, "Hmm.

What better test than to use
one of my good friend Barb's

e-mail correspondences?"

And I was shocked--

no, heartbroken--

to learn that it was
99% A.I.-generated.

Jacob, I'm sure
it was just a glitch.

Dang, Barb.
How could you do that?

Funny you say that.

Because then I decided to
check your thoughtful review

of my essay on
the hidden dangers...

Ohh.
...of espresso
martinis.

And I meant every word.

Oh, I bet you did.

100%...

A.I.-generated.

100. Mnh.

So, Ava showed me
how to do it,

and then I showed
Barbara.

Because, you know, we need
to learn A.I. software

to make sure the kids aren't
abusing it to do their work.

That privilege is
reserved for teachers.

Looks like Alex has
seven unexcused absences.

That's not so bad.

Oh. Plus today.
So eight.

Eight?
Oh, that's very bad.

It is?
Mm-hmm.

If he misses
two more days,

he's got to go
to family court

to schedule an appearance
at truancy court

and then
he gets held back.

For just
two more absences?
Mm-hmm.

Well, has anyone tried
calling his house?

The district has an
automated phone system

that calls
the students' homes.

Well, do we know if anyone's
gotten through to his family?

What do we do if Alex
still isn't showing up?

Well, that's the extent
of our protocol.

Do you know
how hurtful it is to know

that instead of talking to some
of my closest companions,

I've been talking to WALL-E
for the past few months?!

Okay, well, Jacob, you're
being rude, because look--

Janine is here to give us

a big, special,
important announcement.

Go ahead, Janine.

Yes, yes.
Thank you, Melissa.
You're welcome.

Yeah. That's correct.

I do have something big
to announce, so, um...

Wait. Where's Gregory?

Oh, he's working on his Goofball
proposal for the district.

Oh. Okay.

Well, thank you all so much
for staying after school.

I have some news
about my fellowship.

God sakes. Who cares
about your fellowship?!

I got ribs
in the slow cooker!

Wait, wait. No, no, no, no.
This is important.

You know,
as you all know,

my fellowship at the district
is coming to an end.

Ooh, girl,
don't remind me.

My doomsday countdown clock is
set to the day that you're back.

Stop!

The superintendent
offered me

a full-time position
at the district.

And I'm going to take it.

So I'm leaving Abbott.

Dibs on Janine's classroom
as my new office!

Oh, this is officially
the worst day ever.

I am proud of you.
Ohh.

Janine, you have
worked so hard,

and they are lucky
to get you.

Well, if you're not
gonna be here anymore,

then I don't have to
know your name, Janice.

And for the record,
I-I-I am proud of you.

I'm just having trouble
processing--

because I'm a human.

But, um...
Ohh!

This is huge.

Oh. Thank you, guys.

This was not an easy
decision to make.

I mean,
I hemmed and I hawed.

Heck, I almost
pussyfooted.

But I want to do it.

I think I can really do
some good work there.

No reaction
from you, Ava?
Oh, sorry.

I'm just going through
the mental list of
Janine replacements

that I started
the day I met you.

Ooh! It's on!

And since you don't work here
anymore, you're trespassing.

Security! Security!

Mr. Alonzo: Singular noun
or a plural noun?

Day nine,
and he's still not here.

I mean, Alex was
in my class last year,

and he had perfect attendance.

He's the type of kid who likes
when recess gets rained out

so he can stay inside and read.

Something has to be going on.

Hello?

Hi. This is
Abbott Elementary calling

to check on
Alex Perkins.

You're gonna have to
speak up. Who is this?

Uh, this is
Gregory Eddie,

um, from
Abbott Elementary.

Is Alex okay?
Oh, hi. Yeah.

He's right here watching
"The Price Is Right" with me.

Well, he needs to
be in school!

He can't be absent tomorrow,
or he will be held back.

No. I already
gave him a snack.

No. "Held back!"

If Alex misses
one more day of school,

he will have to repeat
the second grade!

Can you possibly turn
the TV down for me?!

Sure.
It's a commercial.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

We want to know why
Alex hasn't been in school.

He said he don't want
to go to school,

say he miss his old teacher,
Ms. Teams.

Huh?
Ms. Teams?

Oh. Ms. Teagues?
He misses her?

He says that's why?

Oh, okay. Goodbye!

No, I--

Damn shame.

The boy live
right across the street.

So you're telling me
that we can see

as many movies
as we want?

Mm-hmm.

Jacob, seems like
a perfect opportunity

for you to tell us about
that movie membership thing

you're always
proselytizing about.
Yeah.

How's that--
How's that work again?

Well, while I would love
to fill you in

and explain Nicole Kidman's
role in all of it,

I think you'd probably
prefer to consult

some of your
robot friends.

Oh.
So we used A.I.

At least
we responded.

Do you have any idea how
much time and love and time

I put into my e-mails?

Have you no respect
for my emotional labor?

You just ask for
so much feedback.
Oh. So much.

And Barb's typing speed
is a sentence per hour.

There isn't enough time
in the day.

Okay, look, if we were
trying to be mean,

we would say that your e-mails
are super-long and boring,

add zero value to our lives,
and please stop sending them.

We're being nice!
Yeah.

Nice?
A.I. cannot be nice.

Okay.
Okay. Okay.

I can see where
this would be upsetting.

We're sorry.

No more
generative e-mails.
Mnh-mnh.

And we will do our best
to respond.

Thank you.
Yes.

To the ones that aren't
super-long and boring.

Hey, Gregory. Um...

I was just about to text you,

but I'm guessing
you heard already.

So you already know
about Alex Perkins?

Alex Perkins?
From my class?

What's going on with him?
Everything okay?

Oh, um, yeah. He hasn't
been coming to class.

He has nine absences.
One more--

He has to go to truancy court
and he gets held back a year.

Yeah. Can you imagine
having to go to court

as a second grader?

Oh, my God.
How is this happening?

This is very out-of-character
for him.

Something must be going on.
I know. Um...

We just found out he lives
right across the street.

I was thinking about
going to his house.

We cannot
go to his house.

I mean, that's strictly
against district policy.

The protocol
says we call.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we went through all
the district protocols.

I then called his house,
I spoke to his grandma,

who I think heard one of
every three words I said,

but his grandma did say
that he's not coming to school

because he misses
his old teacher.

That's me.

Or me.
Or me.

Okay.

Um, so, I was thinking
that after school,

we could get together,

go to the house,
see what's going on.

Jacob.
Ah.

One of my
real friends.

You'd never use a robot.

You're damn right.

I wanted you to know I'm
eagerly awaiting your feedback

on my latest newsletter about
the history of spring cleaning.

Oh. Yeah.
I was, um...

I was working
all weekend on that.

You shall have my
detailed response soon.

Great. For every
paragraph I wrote,

I expect at least
three paragraphs back.

We here at Abbott hold our
teachers to a high standard.

Therefore, we will be conducting
a rigorous selection process

to ensure that only the most
qualified educator gets the job.

Having said that,

if you are 5'5" and under,
please step forward.

You are dismissed.

If you are a go-getter
who is always prompt,

please step forward.

Thank you. You are dismissed.

Congratulations on making it
to the final round.

You are only one question away
from landing this job.

Do you own
a jelly-bean belt?

Seriously?! Dismissed!

Send in the next batch.

Okay, so, under no circumstances
do we enter the house.

We're already, you know,

pushing the boundaries
of district policy.

Right. Going up to the door
is already bad enough.

We don't want to cross
any more lines.

Exactly. We'll just explain
the gravity of the situation

to Grandma,
be on our way.

Sounds good.
Yes.

Oh. You here to fix
the refrigerator?

Oh, no. What's wrong
with the refrigerator?

What's not wrong
with the fridge?

No, no,
we're not here for that.
Oh.

Yes. I'm Janine Teagues
from the school district,

and this is Gregory Eddie
from Abbott Elementary.
Hello.

And we came to let you know
that your grandson, Alex,

is one absence away from
being held back.

He's fine.

He's inside watching
"The Price Is Right."

That ain't never
hurt nobody.

Um, but he won't be fine if
he misses class tomorrow--

or another day
this year.

There will be
repercussions

that will affect him
for the rest of his life.

Back in my day, we came
to school when we could,

and we all turned out
just fine.

Right. But that
won't work here.

Oh.
This is
a very serious matter.

We wouldn't be here
otherwise.

So, please,
could you just make sure

that Alex makes it
to class?

Well, I just don't see
the point

in making the boy go
somewhere he hates so bad

when he can stay home and just
hang out with me and Drew Carey.

Hm.
Um...

Janine, I think
it's time to go.

And Rona. Hi.

$1,100.
$1,100...

Actually,
can we come inside?

- Huh?
- Sure.

But don't be making
no guesses

during
Showcase Showdown.

You keep them
to yourself.

Okay.

Janine?
Gregory.

You're gonna
be playing Plinko!

Alex, we want to know why you
haven't been coming to school.

I'm gonna miss Plinko.
...thousand dollars!

Alex. Hey.

Yes! There you go!

Tell us what's
been going on.

Well, Ms. Teagues
doesn't go to school,

so I don't need
to go, either.

Alex, you have to
go to school

whether I'm there
or not, okay?

School is something
you cannot miss.
You do.

When are you coming back
to be my teacher again?

Well, that's the good news.

Ms. Teagues is almost
done at the district,

so she'll be back at Abbott
very soon.

I know you're not
sick in my house.

No.

Um...

So, I actually
just accepted

a full-time position
at the district.

What?
What?!

She says she's working
full-time at the district.

Y'all can't hear?

...price starts with
a 3 or ends with a 5?

Welcome to
your future!

Yeah.

Ooh. I'mma save so much
money from the chiropractor

from not having to
look down at you.

Hmm!

So, after
formally interviewing

536 applicants,

I found a perfect replacement
for Janine.

She has great fashion sense,
went to Penn State,

and says her best skill is
creative problem ignoring.

I can't wait to introduce her
to the rest of the staff.

I hope you get a nude
from the T-800!

Ooh.
What's going on here?

Jacob responded to my
newsletter using a chat bot.

I ran it through
that program,

and the only thing real
was some corny joke

about if you spring-cleaned
my head,

you'd probably see
your reflection in it.

What the hell, Jacob?!

You gave us a hard time
for using it,

but then you go and do
the same thing to Mr. Johnson!

I'm sorry. I've been completely
underwater this week.

Ha!
Mr. Johnson is

single-handedly responsible
for keeping

most of the toilets in this
joint running some of the time.

Yet he still found the time

to put his heart and soul
into that newsletter.

Wait.
So you authentically

respond to his newsletter,
but not mine?

Yeah.
He sends one e-mail

per quarter,
and it is usually filled

with delightful
anecdotes and musings.

Mm-hmm. You send 10 e-mails
a day. And you know what?

I rarely feel like I'm learning
a thing about you.

Oh, and you feel like
you learn something

about Mr. Johnson
from that newsletter?

I think we all know
he likes to clean!

Actually, it's more than
about spring cleaning

and explores its origins
in the Iranian culture.

I learned a lot about
the Iranian people

since their problematic
depiction in the film "300."

Great read.
Very insightful.

And you would've known that if
you had read my newsletter,

you ignorant fool!
Ooh!

Y'all fightin'?!

Everyone,
please meet Mercedes--

Janine's more evolved
replacement.

So, who's winning?

Oh, I got 10
on the plumber.

Ends with a 4.
It can't--
It can't end...

I wanted to tell you earlier
with everyone else,

but you weren't there, and then
you told me about Alex, so...

I mean, it's--
it's, uh-- it's wild.

But, um, congrats?

Thanks.

Yeah. Congrats. Congrats.
Thank you.

Hello?

Right. Okay.
Yeah. Oh. Right.

Um, Alex...

Just because I'm not there
doesn't mean

that the school isn't filled
with great teachers.

A-And Mr. Eddie
is right next door

in case you ever
need anything.

Right?

Yeah. I'll be right there
if you ever need me.

I don't know.

Alex, what do you want to be
when you grow up?

I want to be on
"The Price Is Right."

Okay.
Mm-hmm.

Well, then you
need to learn math

in order
to make your guesses.

Hm!

Not to mention
communication skills...
Mm-hmm.

...critical thinking,
and understanding

of socioeconomic
inflation.

And you have to take P.E.

to spin the big wheel,
which is fun.

Yeah. That, too.
Right?

And you have to learn
all that stuff in school.

Look.

Teachers are gonna
come and go in your life.

Heck, people,
for that matter.

You'd still play Plinko

even if Drew Carey
wasn't the host, right?

I'd still play.

Okay. So... can we expect you
at school tomorrow?

$500, so you got $1,500...

Okay.

Good. Okay.
Okay.

And maybe, one day,
you can go on a game show

and win a new refrigerator
for your grandma.

That boy better at least
win me a Kia!

Good luck! Good luck!
Come on! Ugh!

So, how do we make sure he
actually shows up every day?

Um, you know,

maybe the Goofballs
can help keep an eye on him.

Part of my proposal
is about keeping the students

accountable for each other
while in the program.

That's a really good idea.

I look forward to seeing
the proposal at the district.

Congratulations
on taking the job.

No one
deserves it more.

Thanks. Still hasn't
really hit me yet.

Yeah, I don't think
it's hit me yet, either.

"And with that in mind,
I ask but one question--

Are any of us clean?"

Huh!

It's breathtaking,
Mr. Johnson.

I apologize, truly.

I accept...

twenties or gift cards

of the same value.

Upon self-reflection,

perhaps I did overdo it
with my e-mails.

I am so sorry for getting
so upset with you both.

It is okay.

We shouldn't have
used technology

to mislead you into
thinking that we care.

Yeah, from now on, we'll
just delete your e-mails

like normal people do.

I am so grateful
for that.

Thank you
for your humanity.

Hey, Gregory.

Hey. I'm just calling to
let you know that Alex
is back in school.

He's even early.

Ohh. Good.
That's great news.

Yeah. It is.

You know, we make
a really good team.

Yeah, we do.

Have a great day.

You too.

Hey, there!

So, they tell me you're
gonna be here full-time!

Hmm!
Yeah.

So I'm just here to drop off
your start paperwork.

Oh, um...

You know what?
Can I have a day?

I'm just so swamped.

Oh, and the rest of us
aren't?

But, of course!
Take your time.

Mm-hmm.

Farrah's gonna come
right back to me after
I give her these flowers.

Dude,
that's cabbage!

Hey, guys, we have
a new Goofball.

I want everyone
to say hi to Alex.

What's up? Let me bring
you up to speed, Alex.

First rule of Goofballs--
We don't talk about Goofballs.

That's not true.
Second rule
of Goofballs--

We don't call it
Goofballs.

Okay, stop it. I need you
to be older and mature,

'cause we're trying to ke--

We gotta keep an eye
on him!

Okay, Alex! Hold on!
No, no, no, no! Wait!
Wait, wait, wait!

Okay. Alright. Look.
"Price Is Right" is not even on.

It's not even on!
You're so fast!

Captions by VITAC--