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♪ When I was a young boy
2
00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:09,286
♪ My father took me
Into the city
3
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:13,899
♪ To see a marching band
4
00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:17,555
♪ He said
"Son, when you grow up
5
00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:22,169
♪ "Would you be the savior
Of the broken
6
00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:26,782
♪ "The beaten and the damned?"
7
00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:30,351
♪ He said
"Will you defeat them?
8
00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:34,964
♪ "Your demons
And all the non-believers
9
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:39,447
♪ "The plans that
They have made?
10
00:01:39,577 --> 00:01:42,885
♪ "Because one day
I'll leave you
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00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:45,975
♪ "A phantom to lead you
12
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:51,023
♪ "In the summer
To join the black parade"
13
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:08,519
♪ When I was a young boy
14
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:13,394
♪ My father took me
Into the city
15
00:02:13,524 --> 00:02:17,789
♪ To see a marching band
16
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:21,663
♪ He said
"Son, when you grow up
17
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:26,146
♪ "Would you be the savior
Of the broken
18
00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:29,453
♪ "The beaten and the damned?"
19
00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:49,125
♪ Sometimes I get the feeling
20
00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:51,562
♪ She's watching over me
21
00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:56,611
♪ And other times
I feel like I should go
22
00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:59,004
♪ And through it all
The rise and fall
23
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:01,746
♪ The bodies in the streets
24
00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:03,661
♪ And when you're gone
We want you all to know
25
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:07,839
♪ We'll carry on
26
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:09,972
♪ We'll carry on
27
00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:12,844
♪ And though
You're dead and gone
28
00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:15,020
♪ Believe me
Your memory will carry on
29
00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:17,022
Yes!
30
00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,938
♪ We'll carry on
31
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:23,681
♪ And in my heart
I can't contain it
32
00:03:23,812 --> 00:03:25,944
♪ The anthem won't explain it
33
00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:28,295
♪ A world that
Sends you reeling
34
00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:30,471
♪ From decimated dreams...
35
00:03:30,601 --> 00:03:32,734
Fuck you!Somebody get over here.
36
00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:34,170
Back up! Back up!
37
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,392
♪ So paint it black
And take it back
38
00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:41,177
♪ Let's shout it loud and clear
39
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:44,789
♪ Defiant to the end
We hear the call
40
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,270
♪ To carry on
41
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:49,794
♪ We'll carry on
42
00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:52,232
♪ And though
You're dead and gone
43
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:57,193
♪ Believe me
Your memory will carry on
44
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,674
♪ We'll carry on
45
00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:03,373
♪ And though you're broken
And defeated
46
00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:06,246
♪ Your weary widow marches
47
00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:09,814
♪ On and on we carry
Through the fears
48
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:15,559
♪ Disappointed faces
Of your peers
49
00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:17,648
All right.
Spread out.
Ready?
50
00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:21,826
♪ 'Cause I could not
Care at all
51
00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:24,176
♪ Do or die
You'll never make me
52
00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:27,267
♪ Because the world
Will never take my heart
53
00:04:27,397 --> 00:04:29,747
♪ Go and try
You'll never break me
54
00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:32,533
♪ We want it all
We wanna play this part
55
00:04:32,663 --> 00:04:35,100
♪ I won't explain or say
I'm sorry
56
00:04:35,231 --> 00:04:38,278
♪ I'm unashamed
I'm gonna show my scar
57
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:40,802
♪ Give a cheer
For all the broken
58
00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:43,152
♪ Listen here
Because it's who we are
59
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:46,764
Whoo!
60
00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:48,897
♪ Just a boy
Who had to sing this song
61
00:04:49,027 --> 00:04:50,333
♪ I'm just a man
I'm not a hero
62
00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:55,207
♪ I don't care
63
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:57,297
♪ We'll carry on
64
00:04:57,427 --> 00:05:00,038
♪ We'll carry on
65
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:03,999
♪ Believe me
66
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:22,931
JAY:
♪ Pork roll
Egg and cheese
67
00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:24,454
♪ Pork roll
Egg and what?
68
00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:26,108
♪ Pork roll
Egg and cheese
69
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:30,591
Uh, uh, uh.
70
00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,158
Excuse me.
71
00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:35,509
Yo, is anybody
working or, uh...
72
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:36,988
You know what
you want or what?
73
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:39,469
Yeah. Can I get three
Snoogans Prerolls?
74
00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:43,081
$100 even.
75
00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:45,257
Right.
76
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,347
♪ Tell me who
Tell me who...
77
00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:49,131
Can you...
78
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:50,350
♪ Profits off the life
Of every dude
79
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,699
♪ Every sick
80
00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:54,266
Keep it down.
81
00:05:54,397 --> 00:05:55,877
♪ Ask the schools
82
00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:12,197
Yeah,
yeah, yeah.
83
00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:13,721
What 'cha
looking at, man?
84
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:16,114
That's how we did it
in the '90s, son!
85
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:33,523
Wait. Wait,
wait, wait.
86
00:06:35,699 --> 00:06:37,919
Your whistling
is affecting
your carrying.
87
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:45,622
Pretty nifty
planning.
88
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,236
The fuck?
89
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,064
Oh, uh... well,
'cause, um,
90
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:54,805
nifty is slang
for NFT,
91
00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:57,895
which is a non-fungible
token in our world.
92
00:06:58,026 --> 00:06:59,462
"Our world"?
93
00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:01,421
Oh, my God,
I knew it.
94
00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:02,900
You belong to one
of these religious
death cults
95
00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:04,249
where they all wear
sneakers to bed
96
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:05,947
before they
kill themselves.
97
00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:07,905
For the last
time, Randal,
98
00:07:08,036 --> 00:07:10,081
I'm not in
a religious
death cult.
99
00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:12,170
Blockchain Coltrane
and I are co-founders
100
00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:14,085
of the Christian
Crypto Club.
101
00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:23,312
This is either
a Lord of the
Rings thing
102
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,532
or a Jesus thing.Hmm.
103
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:32,277
Blockchain says that
Jesus saves souls,
104
00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:35,019
but we buy souls,
it's...
105
00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:37,021
It's pretty
clever wordplay
106
00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:38,719
because the
Phantasma Chain's
cryptocurrency unit
107
00:07:38,849 --> 00:07:40,590
is called
the Soul, so...
108
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,287
It's...
109
00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:44,768
You are killing me
this morning,
you nut.
110
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:46,204
Oh, shit,
111
00:07:46,335 --> 00:07:48,206
I think I get it now.
112
00:07:48,337 --> 00:07:50,687
Get what?
NFTs and crypto?
113
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,776
No, not that
Beanie Baby
bullshit.
114
00:07:52,907 --> 00:07:54,735
Talking about
this pair of puds.
115
00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:58,086
Looks like Elias
has got his own
Silent Bob.
116
00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:03,483
Oh, this is quite
a handjob.
117
00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:10,707
What?
118
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:12,840
Jesus, these Gen Z
kids are fucked.
119
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:14,929
Oh,
what a surprise.
120
00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:17,105
Randal has taken
the Lord's name
in vain again, Mr. Dante.
121
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,368
Please stop calling me
Mr. Dante.
122
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,283
You're 36-years-old.
123
00:08:21,413 --> 00:08:22,980
And not for nothing,
124
00:08:23,111 --> 00:08:24,547
but how's it taking
the Lord's name in vain
125
00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:26,375
if I don't pray
to your Christian God?
126
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,769
If you don't pray to God,
then who do you pray to?
127
00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:31,859
When I'm at my lowest,
I always pray to Crom.
128
00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:33,251
Who's Crom?
129
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:34,731
That's Conan
the Barbarian's God.
130
00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:36,428
You know
what, Randal?
131
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:38,126
I really wish
you didn't
worship all your
132
00:08:38,256 --> 00:08:40,520
false comic book idols
and satanic superheroes.
133
00:08:40,650 --> 00:08:44,567
Batman, The Avengers,
Wonder Woman, AOC.
134
00:08:44,698 --> 00:08:47,178
Come on, man,
give Crom a chance.
135
00:08:47,309 --> 00:08:49,354
He may not be all woke
and shit like Jesus,
136
00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:51,487
but homeboy's
pretty metal
for a deity.
137
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:54,403
Well, joke's on you,
Randal, because
there's only one God.
138
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,884
Yeah. What about Thor?
Thor's a god.
139
00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:59,495
Thor is a fictional
character who flies
through outer space.
140
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:00,844
So is your God.
141
00:09:00,975 --> 00:09:02,237
Mr. Dante.
142
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:03,630
His God is the living
Christ, Randal.
143
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,066
His God is
the Living Dead
144
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:06,937
with all that
goth-y shit like,
145
00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:09,331
drink my blood.
That's fucking
vampire talk.
146
00:09:09,461 --> 00:09:10,985
Mr. Dante!Oh, no.
147
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:13,901
My name is Foo-Foo
and this is between
you two.
148
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:20,647
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, freeze.
149
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:25,608
What the fuck
are these?
150
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:29,569
Kites.No shit.
151
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,396
But what are they
doing here?
152
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,224
I thought we could
sell them.
153
00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:36,227
Are you serious?
Who the fuck flies
kites anymore?
154
00:09:36,358 --> 00:09:37,925
Lots of people.
155
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:40,580
Kids today love
flying kites.
Kites are cool.
156
00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:42,843
What century
is this,
Ben Franklin,
157
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:44,627
and what kind of kid
in this day and age
158
00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:46,107
would be
remotely interested
159
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:48,457
in buying or flying
a fucking kite?
160
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:51,982
Did you see they have
Jesus on them?
161
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:54,985
Oh, well,
all the kids
love Jesus.
162
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:56,639
Who in their
right mind
is gonna buy
163
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,598
one of your creepy
Christ kites?
164
00:09:58,728 --> 00:09:59,860
I would.
165
00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:02,123
You did, like,
30 times.
166
00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:04,473
Maybe we can
sell some online.
167
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,996
Online?
168
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:07,737
The only way anyone
on the Internet
169
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:09,434
would care about
this old-timey bullshit
170
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:11,480
is if you shot
a TikTok
trying to jam
171
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,396
one of those Jesus
kites up your
Christian dickhole.
172
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,487
Asshole.Thank you.
173
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,141
You know what, Randal?
I don't think
there's anything
174
00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:22,491
particularly "metal"
about blasphemy.
175
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,929
Shah, blasphemy
and biting off
a bat's head
176
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,931
are as metal
as it gets.
177
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:32,153
There were two men
who were crucified
with Jesus, Randal.
178
00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:33,720
Holy fuck.
179
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:36,157
A good thief
and a bad thief.
180
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:37,593
If they were caught,
I'd say
181
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:38,986
that makes them both
bad thieves.
182
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:40,683
The bad thief said,
183
00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:43,164
"If you are really
the son of God,
184
00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:45,949
"get us down from here
and save us."
185
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,995
So why is this
guy called
"The bad thief"?
186
00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:50,650
Call him "The practical
thief with common
fucking sense."
187
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:53,348
Ah. But the good
thief said,
188
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:57,787
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."
189
00:10:57,918 --> 00:11:00,137
What the fuck
are butt thieves?
190
00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:02,966
Uh, well,
then the good
thief said,
191
00:11:03,097 --> 00:11:05,447
"Jesus, remember me
in your kingdom."
192
00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:07,318
And Jesus said
to the good thief,
193
00:11:07,449 --> 00:11:10,017
"Today, you shall be
with me in paradise."
194
00:11:10,147 --> 00:11:12,323
And Paradise
is a strip club.
195
00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:14,282
It's not a strip
club, Randal.
196
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,720
It's Heaven.
197
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:20,157
So the moral of your
never ending story is,
198
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:22,725
even in Heaven,
it's all about
who you know.
199
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:25,075
The moral of the story
200
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,251
is if you didn't
go to Heaven
as a guest of Jesus,
201
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:28,600
like the good thief,
202
00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:30,472
where did the bad
thief go, Randal?
203
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:32,517
Not that I wanna
prolong your sermon,
204
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,868
but how is it
blasphemy
to remind a guy
205
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:36,478
he's the son
of God?
206
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,306
Maybe the bad
thief thought
207
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:39,916
Jesus had
a Bourne Identity
thing going on,
208
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:41,352
like Jesus fell
off a boat,
209
00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,180
hit his head
and caught amnesia.
210
00:11:43,311 --> 00:11:45,226
He was born
in a manger.
211
00:11:45,356 --> 00:11:46,923
Now he's
Bourne again.
212
00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:50,492
Matt Damon is
Jesus Bourne in...
213
00:11:50,622 --> 00:11:52,581
The Bourne Nativity.
214
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,452
Heavenly Father,
I beseech thee,
215
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:56,716
please smite
this braying heretic.
216
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,414
Oh.
217
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,200
Are you okay?
218
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:05,855
No, something's wrong, I...
I can't catch my breath.
219
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,030
Stop teasing me.
220
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:09,467
I'm not teasing, I...
221
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:11,252
I can't catch
my breath, man.
222
00:12:11,382 --> 00:12:13,080
Really? Should I try
mouth stuff?
223
00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:14,951
What is this,
a Tinder date?
Get off of me.
224
00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:16,605
You said you
can't breathe.
225
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,912
I can breathe. I just...
226
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,174
I can't catch
my breath.
227
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:21,349
What are you doing
with your arm?
228
00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,046
I'm trying to breathe.
229
00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:24,787
You're really
sweating, Randal.
230
00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:26,267
It's hot in here, man.
231
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:27,747
Can we open the door?
I got to...
232
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:30,750
Mr. Dante!
233
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,491
Oh, shit!
234
00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,537
I need an ambulance
at the QuickStop.
235
00:12:39,497 --> 00:12:40,847
Dr. Ladenheim,
236
00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:42,457
report to the ER.
237
00:12:42,587 --> 00:12:44,285
Dr. Ladenheim...
238
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,243
You had to call
an ambulance,
didn't you?
239
00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:48,724
I just ate too much
fuckin' Mooby's,
that's all.
240
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:51,074
Well, if you know
what's wrong,
241
00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:52,641
then I guess
I can go home.
242
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,295
Are you the doctor?
243
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:56,079
I'm the doctor.
244
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:57,951
Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be
your savior this evening.
245
00:13:01,432 --> 00:13:02,956
What in the fuck?
246
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:04,479
I apologize
for my wardrobe.
247
00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:06,176
I just came from
a costume ball.
248
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:08,570
Listen, Doc,
I'm okay. I just...
249
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,528
I can't catch
my breath is all.
250
00:13:10,659 --> 00:13:12,139
On a scale
of one to ten,
251
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,357
how bad would you say
your pain level is?
252
00:13:13,488 --> 00:13:14,315
RANDAL:
My pain level?
253
00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:15,882
Like a negative three.
254
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:17,405
Well, you're
doing it
all wrong.
255
00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:18,798
You're supposed to be
in a lot of pain
256
00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:20,408
when you have
a heart attack.
257
00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:22,062
Wait a minute.
I had a heart attack?
258
00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:23,672
No, that's not
what I said.
259
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,108
You misunderstood me.Oh, thank Christ.
260
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:26,327
You're having
a heart attack
261
00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:28,242
right now
as we speak,
262
00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:30,940
a massive one,
so we have to act
pretty quickly.
263
00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:32,855
I just wish
I wasn't
so hung over.
264
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,901
I'm kidding.
265
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:36,903
I'm gonna go
get all glammed up
266
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,382
for our big date
and I'll see you
in the OR.
267
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:39,949
Look at me.Uh-huh.
268
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,211
Everything's gonna
be fine, all right?
269
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:42,430
Good. All right.
270
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,258
He's not
gonna make it.
271
00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:46,564
Jesus, could someone
page the Good Witch?
272
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:48,740
What's next,
a fucking Munchkin?
273
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:51,874
Shave and a haircut
two bits.
274
00:13:52,005 --> 00:13:54,529
Shave and a haircut
two bits.
275
00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:58,054
I see that you met
Dr. Ladenheim.
276
00:13:58,185 --> 00:14:02,058
And she wants me to
prep you for surgery.
277
00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:05,496
Surgery? No.
The doctor just said
I'm going to the OR.
278
00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:07,803
Right! Which is short
for operating room
279
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:10,719
where they do...
Ding, ding, ding,
surgery!
280
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,503
She gotta get
into your heart.
281
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:14,592
Uh, is the doctor
gonna crack
his chest open?
282
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:16,594
Fuck.No, no, no.
283
00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:18,205
She's gonna thread
a camera through
his femoral artery
284
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,903
up to his ticker
through a very
small incision.
285
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:22,687
Where does
she make this incision?
286
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:23,775
In the groin.
287
00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:25,821
The groin?Come on.
288
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:27,344
So I gotta shave you.
289
00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:29,259
Or I get
to shave you,
290
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:32,045
depending on how much
you love your job
and I love mine.
291
00:14:32,175 --> 00:14:35,613
So, as the wife
says at 10:00 p.m.
after Dateline,
292
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:36,963
every single week,
293
00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:39,617
take off your pants.
294
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:52,413
I gotta shave
your groin, sir,
so underwear too.
295
00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:54,676
First, can we
establish geography?
296
00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:56,286
Like, where is
the groin to you?
297
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,202
Where's the groin
to me?
298
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,074
What is this,
a metaphysical question?
299
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:03,076
We're running
out of time here
to save your life.
300
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,207
So come on,
let's go.
301
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:08,255
Can you avert
your eyes,
block your ears
302
00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:10,083
and sing something,
please?
303
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:12,172
Oh, for God sakes.What do you
want me to sing?
304
00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:13,738
Not you, him.Oh, right.
305
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:15,436
All right,
here's the deal,
306
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:15,958
Nurse Jackie.
307
00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:17,655
Mmm.
308
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:19,657
I got a really
small dick, okay?
309
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:22,791
I promise you,
it's nothing
I've not seen before
310
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,098
because I work
in pediatrics.
311
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:26,838
If I take off
my underwear,
312
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:29,102
everyone in the ER is
gonna see my little dick
313
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:31,017
including my
friend here,
314
00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:32,714
who thinks I got
a giant cock 'cause
I've been lying to him
315
00:15:32,844 --> 00:15:34,716
about it since
we were 12.
316
00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:36,631
Is this a long
fable, Aesop?
317
00:15:36,761 --> 00:15:37,937
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do,
318
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,069
give you a little
more privacy...
319
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,941
There you go.Oh, thanks for that.
320
00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:46,032
Unfortunately,
this is as far
as you can go
321
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,948
but we do have a waiting
room that's right
down this hall.
322
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:52,038
I'll be right here
when you get out, man.
323
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:54,562
You got this.
324
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:09,446
♪ You got an idea
We can rock the night
325
00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:11,448
PARAMEDIC:
We've got a female
with multiple
326
00:16:11,579 --> 00:16:13,059
C-spine complications,
internal bleeding
327
00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:14,495
and multiple
lacerations.
328
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,976
Blood pressure,
100 over seven...
329
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,026
ER NURSE:
We're losing her.
Starting CPR.
330
00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:33,949
DR. LADENHEIM:
Why has he still
331
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,864
got his
underpants on?
332
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,084
How am I supposed
to get to his
femoral artery
333
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:39,737
if he's wearing
Squeezies?
334
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,217
MALE NURSE:
I told him,
335
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:42,653
but he's got some
body shame issues.
336
00:16:42,784 --> 00:16:43,959
Look, Doc,
337
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:45,265
I got a really
small dick.
338
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:47,049
I'm trying
to save your life
339
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:48,355
and you're worried
about your
little dick?
340
00:16:48,485 --> 00:16:49,051
We don't have
time for this.
341
00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:50,661
Whoa!
342
00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:54,361
This is all
my fault.
343
00:16:54,491 --> 00:16:56,450
No, it is not, Elias.
344
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:59,844
I prayed to God
to smite Randal
345
00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:04,153
so Jesus
attacked his heart
at my command.
346
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,636
Randal's mother
had heart
trouble, too.
347
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:11,291
No,
I gotta make
Jesus reverse this.
348
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,119
Pray with me,
Mr. Dante.
349
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:19,429
Oh, my sweet savior,
hear your
gentle servant.
350
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,563
Spare the heretic
I damned in jest.
351
00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:25,392
Remember the words
of the good thief.
352
00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:27,742
Jesus did no wrong,
353
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,788
whereas we are
but thieves.
354
00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:34,879
DR. LADENHEIM: A-ha.What's up, Doc?
355
00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:37,491
I can tell by your
very subtle tattoo
356
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:38,840
that you're
a superhero fan,
357
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:40,189
so you might
appreciate this.
358
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,582
Uh-huh.You know,
359
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:43,366
they have a name
for the type
360
00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:44,324
of heart attack
you're having
right now.
361
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:45,977
Really? Okay.
362
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:47,979
They call it
the Widow-Maker.
363
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:50,199
Now, doesn't
that sound like
some bad guy
364
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:52,419
that Ranger Danger
has to fight?
365
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,638
Why do they call it
the Widow-Maker?
366
00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:56,684
Because in 80%
of the cases
367
00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:59,208
when there's 100%
occlusion like what
you have now?
368
00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:02,124
Hands down,
patient always
dies, always.
369
00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:03,952
Oh, fuck.
370
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,736
But don't worry,
you're gonna
be in the 20%
371
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:08,130
because keeping
you alive is good
for my brand.
372
00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:10,089
Now, if you
excuse me,
373
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,091
I'm gonna go fool around
in your little crotch
374
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:13,962
and I'm gonna make
a little magic,
375
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,051
but I could use
all the help
that we can get.
376
00:18:16,182 --> 00:18:17,574
So, if you remember
any prayers
377
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,446
from when you
were a kid,
378
00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:20,708
now would be
a terrific time
to dust those off.
379
00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:25,016
Are you there, Crom?
380
00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:27,018
It's me, Randal.
381
00:18:27,149 --> 00:18:29,064
Please don't let me die.
382
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:32,720
He won't answer me.
383
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:36,767
After all this time...
384
00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:40,597
devoting my life
to God.
385
00:18:40,728 --> 00:18:44,079
Jesus has abandoned
all of us at QuickStop.
386
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:47,474
I think Jesus
was always more
of a Wawa guy.
387
00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:50,607
Yeah, well,
you know what I think?
388
00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:55,569
I think I wasted
my life believing
in bullshit.
389
00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:57,223
I've been conned.
390
00:18:57,353 --> 00:19:00,400
Fairy tales, faith
and pledging fealty
391
00:19:00,530 --> 00:19:04,230
to a fictional
fucking phantom.
And for what?
392
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,145
In my darkest hour
when I need him most,
393
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,712
the Lord totally
ghosts me.
394
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,457
Well, to hell
with all that
made up Jesus jive.
395
00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:20,463
Save Randal
this night,
396
00:19:20,594 --> 00:19:22,900
and I will swear
my soul to you,
397
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:25,947
oh, sweet Satan.
398
00:19:26,077 --> 00:19:27,818
Satan? Oh,
buddy, no.
399
00:19:27,949 --> 00:19:31,518
I mean, isn't he kind
of like the Optimus
Prime of evil?
400
00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:33,476
You don't have to
condescend to me.
401
00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:35,478
You can just
say Megatron.
402
00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:37,698
I'm kind of
a Transformers virgin.
403
00:19:38,525 --> 00:19:40,222
Well,
404
00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:42,355
I'm an actual
virgin,
405
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:44,531
so I know Satan's
gonna want my soul.
406
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:46,924
For what?Evil.
407
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,841
And butt
sex probably.
408
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:55,019
Do you have any lube?Are you...
409
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:56,586
No!
410
00:19:56,717 --> 00:19:58,719
I don't
deserve lube!
411
00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,634
Take me, Satan!
412
00:20:00,764 --> 00:20:02,244
Jesus! Pull up
your pants.
413
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:03,898
Make me
your concubine!Jesus...
414
00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:05,247
Pull up your pants.No, stop it.
415
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:06,944
I have
to fuck Satan.
416
00:20:07,075 --> 00:20:10,383
And that's when,
I shit you not,
417
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:13,690
Luke fuckin' Skywalker
shows up.
418
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:15,475
DR. LADENHEIM: Uh-huh.And I'm talking about
419
00:20:15,605 --> 00:20:18,521
the young, fuckable Luke
from Return of the Jedi,
420
00:20:18,652 --> 00:20:21,176
not the Gran Torino,
"Get off my lawn"
421
00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:23,744
Luke from The Last Jedi.
DR. LADENHEIM: Okay.
422
00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:25,572
Quick heart update,
Mr. Graves.
423
00:20:25,702 --> 00:20:27,661
Uh-huh.During your thorough
424
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,358
retelling of
The Star Wars Show...
425
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:31,273
The Mandalorian,
season two.
426
00:20:31,404 --> 00:20:33,188
...I was able to get
the stent in place.
427
00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:34,929
So this is where
I need your help now.
428
00:20:35,059 --> 00:20:36,626
I'm gonna open this stent
and all you have to do
429
00:20:36,757 --> 00:20:38,149
is tell me
when you feel
430
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:39,890
the pressure lets up.
All right?
431
00:20:40,021 --> 00:20:41,762
Let's do this, McDreamy.
432
00:20:41,892 --> 00:20:43,285
"This is The Way."
433
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:44,982
The way to what?
434
00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:47,507
Oh, that's a saying
from The Mandalorian.
435
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:50,161
Huh?
The Star Wars Show.
436
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:51,902
Okay, listen,
we need to hit pause
437
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,600
on all your pop culture
references for a minute
438
00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:56,342
just until we open
the stent on three.
439
00:20:56,472 --> 00:20:58,996
One, two, three!
440
00:20:59,649 --> 00:21:00,955
Oh!
441
00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:05,176
Holy shit, I can
fucking breathe again.
442
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:06,961
Does this mean
I'm gonna live now?
443
00:21:07,091 --> 00:21:09,137
Yes, because
I'm an amazing doctor.
444
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:12,009
You're a better doctor
than Doctor Strange
445
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:15,143
and Doctor Zaius
combined.Doctor who?
446
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,101
Oh, no, I don't
watch that show,
447
00:21:17,232 --> 00:21:20,844
but I might start now
because I'm fucking alive.
448
00:21:22,542 --> 00:21:24,457
"Mazel tov!"
As the Chinese say.
449
00:21:24,587 --> 00:21:25,893
Thank you, Doctor.
450
00:21:26,023 --> 00:21:28,504
Thank you for
saving my life.
451
00:21:28,635 --> 00:21:31,159
You're like the Batman
of heart surgery.
452
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,726
Yeah?
453
00:21:32,856 --> 00:21:34,075
With great power
454
00:21:34,205 --> 00:21:35,294
comes great
responsibility.
455
00:21:35,424 --> 00:21:36,904
What the fuck
was that?
456
00:21:40,603 --> 00:21:42,431
You're alive!DANTE: You're alive!
457
00:21:42,562 --> 00:21:44,955
Are you okay?If that was
a heart attack,
458
00:21:45,086 --> 00:21:47,915
I'll take another one.
That shit was easy.
459
00:21:48,045 --> 00:21:50,787
Okay, you must be
on a lot of drugs
right now.
460
00:21:50,918 --> 00:21:52,833
No, they didn't
give me
nothing in there.
461
00:21:52,963 --> 00:21:54,400
I had to do
the whole
thing sober.
462
00:21:54,530 --> 00:21:57,272
He's high as a kite
on fentanyl.
463
00:21:57,403 --> 00:22:00,057
Kite imagery,
very cool.
464
00:22:00,188 --> 00:22:02,669
See, Randal,
kites are in the air.
465
00:22:02,799 --> 00:22:04,410
Stop with the
fucking kites.
466
00:22:04,540 --> 00:22:05,889
DR. LADENHEIM:
One more thing,
Mr. Graves,
467
00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:08,849
since you were really
preoccupied about it,
468
00:22:08,979 --> 00:22:13,201
so much so that
you wasted time
and nearly died,
469
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:15,116
your penis is not
that small.
470
00:22:15,246 --> 00:22:17,379
It's not that big,
but it's not that small.
471
00:22:17,510 --> 00:22:20,121
That's the best
news I heard all day.
472
00:22:24,995 --> 00:22:26,257
Is he gonna
be okay?
473
00:22:26,388 --> 00:22:27,607
How do I help?
474
00:22:27,737 --> 00:22:29,173
Well, if you care
about him,
475
00:22:29,304 --> 00:22:31,262
you'll jam a vegetable
down his throat.
476
00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:33,917
The guy's got more
cholesterol in his
arteries than blood.
477
00:22:34,048 --> 00:22:36,311
Got it. From now on,
I'm only gonna
order him food
478
00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:37,791
off the vegan
menu at Mooby's.
479
00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:39,575
Him and you.Me?
480
00:22:39,706 --> 00:22:40,968
If you're around
his age
481
00:22:41,098 --> 00:22:42,709
and eat the same diet
as your friend,
482
00:22:42,839 --> 00:22:44,798
you might wanna get
your heart checked out, too.
483
00:22:44,928 --> 00:22:46,539
Will do.
484
00:22:46,669 --> 00:22:48,062
But here's something
I want you to keep
485
00:22:48,192 --> 00:22:49,846
an eye out for
as regards to Randal.
486
00:22:49,977 --> 00:22:51,500
Okay.
487
00:22:51,631 --> 00:22:53,633
Middle-aged men tend to
go through a depression
488
00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:55,548
after they've had
a heart attack.
489
00:22:55,678 --> 00:22:57,593
Now your friend might
sound or act differently
now because
490
00:22:57,724 --> 00:23:00,030
he's come face to face
with his own mortality.
491
00:23:00,161 --> 00:23:02,468
So, for the next
few months,
492
00:23:02,598 --> 00:23:04,600
do whatever
you can do
493
00:23:04,731 --> 00:23:07,690
to help Randal
keep his spirits up.
494
00:23:07,821 --> 00:23:09,083
All right?
495
00:23:09,213 --> 00:23:11,172
Now, my bill
is in the mail.
496
00:23:15,916 --> 00:23:17,700
Judgy.
497
00:23:17,831 --> 00:23:18,962
♪ Whatever it takes
498
00:23:21,095 --> 00:23:23,010
♪ I know I can make it
499
00:23:25,578 --> 00:23:27,580
♪ I know
I can make it through
500
00:23:33,629 --> 00:23:35,414
I brought you a hat.
501
00:23:35,544 --> 00:23:36,850
Yeah. Thanks.
502
00:23:38,678 --> 00:23:39,853
I can't believe
you're still awake
503
00:23:39,983 --> 00:23:41,158
after the day
you've been through.
504
00:23:41,289 --> 00:23:44,074
Yeah, I can't sleep.
505
00:23:45,728 --> 00:23:47,338
There was only
a 20% chance
506
00:23:47,469 --> 00:23:50,429
I was gonna make it out
of that OR alive tonight.
507
00:23:50,559 --> 00:23:52,648
Hmm. Is that right?
508
00:23:52,779 --> 00:23:55,434
I mean, I figure I got
a 50-50 chance of dying
509
00:23:55,564 --> 00:23:57,218
any time I leave
my apartment.
510
00:23:58,045 --> 00:24:00,264
But today,
511
00:24:00,395 --> 00:24:04,007
there was an 80% chance
everything for me
512
00:24:04,138 --> 00:24:05,661
was just gonna stop.
513
00:24:07,228 --> 00:24:09,404
There was an 80% chance
514
00:24:09,535 --> 00:24:10,753
you and I were never
gonna talk about
Star Wars again.
515
00:24:12,668 --> 00:24:14,104
There was
an 80% chance
516
00:24:14,235 --> 00:24:15,758
I would never know
for a medical fact,
517
00:24:15,889 --> 00:24:18,282
I got a normal-sized dick.
518
00:24:18,413 --> 00:24:20,023
You always said
it was huge.
519
00:24:20,154 --> 00:24:21,634
I was gonna miss
a lot of shit
520
00:24:21,764 --> 00:24:23,549
if you didn't call
that ambulance today.
521
00:24:25,551 --> 00:24:27,466
You saved
my life, man.
522
00:24:27,596 --> 00:24:29,250
Oh.
523
00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:31,905
I wish I had a life
worth fucking saving.
524
00:24:32,035 --> 00:24:33,036
DANTE:
Come on, man.
525
00:24:33,167 --> 00:24:35,299
What are you
talking about?
526
00:24:35,430 --> 00:24:36,649
When I was lying there,
527
00:24:36,779 --> 00:24:39,565
wondering if
I was gonna die,
528
00:24:39,695 --> 00:24:43,090
I saw the whole
movie of my life
flash before my eyes.
529
00:24:44,874 --> 00:24:46,049
You know what?
530
00:24:47,007 --> 00:24:48,748
It sucked.
531
00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:53,927
I always thought,
hoped...
532
00:24:54,057 --> 00:24:58,018
that my life
was building
towards something.
533
00:24:58,148 --> 00:25:00,324
Turns out it was
just the hospital.
534
00:25:00,455 --> 00:25:01,412
What are you
talking about?
535
00:25:01,543 --> 00:25:03,850
We built our
own business.
536
00:25:03,980 --> 00:25:06,417
So I co-own
a convenience
store. Big deal.
537
00:25:06,548 --> 00:25:09,159
I never went anywhere
outside of Jersey.
538
00:25:09,290 --> 00:25:11,422
I never fell
in love like you.
539
00:25:11,553 --> 00:25:13,163
If I'd have
dropped dead tonight,
540
00:25:13,294 --> 00:25:16,340
only you and Elias would
remember I even existed.
541
00:25:16,471 --> 00:25:20,388
I mean, look
at me, man,
I'm almost 50.
542
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,129
I sit around
and watch the same
543
00:25:22,259 --> 00:25:24,000
stupid movies
over and over.
544
00:25:26,046 --> 00:25:27,961
The fuck is
wrong with me?
545
00:25:28,788 --> 00:25:30,833
I don't know.
546
00:25:30,964 --> 00:25:32,705
You know so much
about all that stuff.
547
00:25:32,835 --> 00:25:34,620
I always thought you could
have made a cool movie.
548
00:25:42,628 --> 00:25:43,890
Holy shit.
549
00:25:45,021 --> 00:25:46,066
You're right.
550
00:25:49,722 --> 00:25:52,159
I could make
a pretty cool movie.
551
00:25:52,289 --> 00:25:54,857
I've been
watching movies
all my life,
552
00:25:54,988 --> 00:25:56,772
I've seen all
these people
tell their stories
553
00:25:56,903 --> 00:25:59,296
and never once
thought about
trying to tell mine.
554
00:25:59,427 --> 00:26:00,863
Well, fuck
that, man.
555
00:26:00,994 --> 00:26:02,648
Since I almost
died tonight,
556
00:26:02,778 --> 00:26:05,085
now I know I'm living
on borrowed time.
557
00:26:05,215 --> 00:26:07,130
So, no more
watching movies
558
00:26:07,261 --> 00:26:08,784
because when
I get out of here...
559
00:26:10,438 --> 00:26:13,093
I'm gonna make
a movie!
560
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:20,927
A movie?
561
00:26:21,057 --> 00:26:22,624
Don't you have to go to
film school or something?
562
00:26:22,755 --> 00:26:26,280
It's like 75 G's a year
to go to NYU Film School.
563
00:26:26,410 --> 00:26:28,804
And you know what
those kids pay
all that money for?
564
00:26:28,935 --> 00:26:31,241
I don't know.To watch movies.
565
00:26:31,372 --> 00:26:34,244
I worked in a video
store for 20 years
566
00:26:34,375 --> 00:26:36,638
where I sat around
and watched
movies all day, too.
567
00:26:36,769 --> 00:26:40,207
So basically,
I went to my own
film school.
568
00:26:40,337 --> 00:26:43,297
Just because you've seen
every movie ever made,
569
00:26:43,427 --> 00:26:45,560
doesn't mean you can make
any kind of movie at all.
570
00:26:45,691 --> 00:26:47,562
Tell that
to Quentin Tarantino.
571
00:26:47,693 --> 00:26:49,695
Oh, now you're
Quentin Tarantino?
572
00:26:49,825 --> 00:26:53,394
I'm not saying
I'm gonna make
a movie as good as him,
573
00:26:53,524 --> 00:26:55,135
but I'm not good
at sex either,
574
00:26:55,265 --> 00:26:56,745
and that doesn't stop me
from trying to get laid.
575
00:27:05,928 --> 00:27:07,451
You wanna
shoot a movie here,
576
00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:09,410
at the QuickStop?
577
00:27:09,540 --> 00:27:11,368
Yeah, I've seen
convenience stores
in flicks before,
578
00:27:11,499 --> 00:27:13,414
but I've never seen
an entire flick
579
00:27:13,544 --> 00:27:15,068
set in
a convenience store.
580
00:27:15,198 --> 00:27:16,939
Because who would
wanna watch that?
581
00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:19,072
I mean, it's my life
and I barely
wanna live it.
582
00:27:19,202 --> 00:27:21,640
This movie's meant
to memorialize
my life.
583
00:27:21,770 --> 00:27:23,163
And since
I spent the last
584
00:27:23,293 --> 00:27:24,338
30 years of my life
working here...
585
00:27:24,468 --> 00:27:26,209
Oh. Working?
586
00:27:26,340 --> 00:27:28,385
I got plenty of
convenience stories
587
00:27:28,516 --> 00:27:30,126
to put into
a screenplay.
588
00:27:30,257 --> 00:27:32,085
Convenience Stories.
Good title.
589
00:27:32,215 --> 00:27:33,826
Well, what kind of
convenience stories
590
00:27:33,956 --> 00:27:35,436
are we talking
about here?
591
00:27:35,566 --> 00:27:37,481
Remember the time
we went to
592
00:27:37,612 --> 00:27:40,136
Julie Dwyer's funeral
and you knocked
the casket over?
593
00:27:40,267 --> 00:27:41,877
You knocked
the casket over.
594
00:27:42,878 --> 00:27:44,010
I did?
595
00:27:44,140 --> 00:27:46,012
Well, that's
a scene now.
596
00:27:46,142 --> 00:27:47,578
Or how about the time
the old guy
was jerking off
597
00:27:47,709 --> 00:27:49,319
in the bathroom
and dropped dead?
598
00:27:49,450 --> 00:27:51,147
That's totally
a scene, man.
599
00:27:51,278 --> 00:27:52,888
I mean, all the shit
you and I have said
600
00:27:53,019 --> 00:27:54,281
sitting at
this counter,
601
00:27:54,411 --> 00:27:55,978
these are all
scenes now, man.
602
00:27:56,109 --> 00:27:57,501
How about the time
you burned
the store down?
603
00:27:57,632 --> 00:27:59,112
Is that gonna
be a scene?
604
00:27:59,242 --> 00:28:00,374
I'm still pretty sure
terrorists did that.
605
00:28:00,504 --> 00:28:01,462
Uh-huh.
606
00:28:03,029 --> 00:28:03,986
Hey, hey!
607
00:28:04,117 --> 00:28:05,553
Motley Crewneck.
608
00:28:07,250 --> 00:28:09,296
Anyone in your
Christian Crypto Club
609
00:28:09,426 --> 00:28:12,212
got a non-crypto camera
we can borrow?
610
00:28:12,342 --> 00:28:14,214
It's called
the Crimson
Crypto Club now.
611
00:28:14,344 --> 00:28:16,651
Our first drops
gonna be all
crypto kites.
612
00:28:16,782 --> 00:28:18,479
Oh, put that
shit away,
Elon Muskrat.
613
00:28:18,609 --> 00:28:20,176
What do you guys
need a camera for?
614
00:28:20,307 --> 00:28:22,570
Mmm.Randal wants
to make a movie.
615
00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:24,137
Ooh, like
a pornography movie?
616
00:28:24,267 --> 00:28:26,008
No, like
a movie-movie,
617
00:28:26,139 --> 00:28:28,271
one with actors
and a screenplay
618
00:28:28,402 --> 00:28:30,012
and Crafty.
619
00:28:30,143 --> 00:28:31,535
What's Crafty?
620
00:28:31,666 --> 00:28:33,059
That's where the,
uh, crew hangs out
621
00:28:33,189 --> 00:28:34,408
and practices
witchcraft,
622
00:28:34,538 --> 00:28:35,975
you little
devil worshipper.
623
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:38,194
Cool.
624
00:28:38,325 --> 00:28:40,849
Crafty is where
you find all
the food on set.
625
00:28:40,980 --> 00:28:42,155
But if you're
shooting in here,
626
00:28:42,285 --> 00:28:43,983
I guess the whole
store's Crafty.
627
00:28:44,113 --> 00:28:45,854
What's the movie
gonna be about?
628
00:28:45,985 --> 00:28:47,290
Mmm, it's gonna
be about an hour
and a half.
629
00:28:47,421 --> 00:28:49,075
I hate long movies.
630
00:28:49,205 --> 00:28:51,381
It's about him
working here.ELIAS: Wow.
631
00:28:51,512 --> 00:28:53,470
Meta. Never seen
a whole movie
632
00:28:53,601 --> 00:28:55,037
set in
a convenience
store before.
633
00:28:55,168 --> 00:28:57,126
Right? Thank you.
634
00:28:57,257 --> 00:28:58,867
I'm gonna fill
the script with
all the weird shit
635
00:28:58,998 --> 00:29:00,086
me and Dante
have ever said
636
00:29:00,216 --> 00:29:01,261
or seen around here
637
00:29:01,391 --> 00:29:02,871
over the years.Oh.
638
00:29:03,002 --> 00:29:04,220
You should put
in that stuff
you used to say
639
00:29:04,351 --> 00:29:05,874
about the Death Star
contractors.
640
00:29:06,005 --> 00:29:08,572
Get sued by Disney?
Fuck that.
641
00:29:08,703 --> 00:29:10,661
Besides, I don't want
this movie to be about
642
00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:12,794
other movies.
I want it to
be about me.
643
00:29:12,925 --> 00:29:14,448
It's my flick,
so I wanna write about
644
00:29:14,578 --> 00:29:16,319
the things that I do.
645
00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:18,582
Like, um, like how
we play hockey
on the rooftop.
646
00:29:18,713 --> 00:29:21,150
I've never seen
that done in a movie
or a TV show,
647
00:29:21,281 --> 00:29:23,631
even though
it's just
fucking practical.
648
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:25,198
Remember
that fight
649
00:29:25,328 --> 00:29:26,373
where I hit you
in the face
with the bread?
650
00:29:26,503 --> 00:29:28,157
Ooh, that could
be a scene.
651
00:29:28,288 --> 00:29:30,029
Or the time
I spit water
on that old guy?
652
00:29:30,159 --> 00:29:32,292
That's, like,
the fucking
opening scene.
653
00:29:32,422 --> 00:29:34,163
Ooh, I got an idea.
654
00:29:34,294 --> 00:29:35,904
Maybe Jay and
Silent Bob
could be characters.
655
00:29:36,035 --> 00:29:38,298
That is the
dumbest idea
I've ever heard.
656
00:29:38,428 --> 00:29:39,734
Well,
you're still
gonna have
657
00:29:39,865 --> 00:29:41,170
to get them involved
if you wanna set
658
00:29:41,301 --> 00:29:42,868
any of the scenes
in your old video store.
659
00:29:42,998 --> 00:29:44,739
All right.
Watch the
register, dawg.
660
00:29:44,870 --> 00:29:47,133
We got to go talk
to the Warner
Brothers.
661
00:29:48,830 --> 00:29:51,093
What the fuck, man?
We heard you died.
662
00:29:51,224 --> 00:29:52,921
Almost.
What happened
663
00:29:53,052 --> 00:29:54,923
is I was taking a shit
in the high grass
664
00:29:55,054 --> 00:29:56,185
when a rattlesnake
came up
665
00:29:56,316 --> 00:29:58,100
and bit me right
on the asshole.
666
00:29:58,231 --> 00:30:00,233
But like the good
friend he is,
667
00:30:00,363 --> 00:30:02,626
Dante sucked
the poison out.
668
00:30:02,757 --> 00:30:05,499
See? It happened
to them, too, man.
669
00:30:05,629 --> 00:30:07,370
Well, listen,
when we thought
you were dead, man,
670
00:30:07,501 --> 00:30:09,546
I felt really,
really bad
671
00:30:09,677 --> 00:30:11,070
'cause in all the time
I've been hanging out
672
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:12,636
in front of this
store and stuff,
673
00:30:12,767 --> 00:30:14,638
I forgot to give
you something.
674
00:30:24,126 --> 00:30:25,736
Dental School?
675
00:30:25,867 --> 00:30:29,218
Me and Veggie Dick
rented that shit
in 1994,
676
00:30:29,349 --> 00:30:30,872
but we never
watched it
677
00:30:31,003 --> 00:30:33,222
'cause we didn't
have a VCR.
678
00:30:33,353 --> 00:30:35,485
But now,
you can put it
on the shelf
679
00:30:35,616 --> 00:30:37,966
in the video store.
Oh, yeah.
680
00:30:38,097 --> 00:30:40,751
Uh, the video
store closed
ten years ago.
681
00:30:42,623 --> 00:30:43,972
It did?
682
00:30:44,103 --> 00:30:46,061
This was the
video store.
683
00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:53,068
Oh, yeah,
I'm getting senile
684
00:30:53,199 --> 00:30:54,853
and shit right there,
you know?
685
00:30:54,983 --> 00:30:57,943
So listen,
how much we owe
you for late fees?
686
00:30:58,073 --> 00:31:03,035
Uh, well,
let's see, a dollar
a day for what,
687
00:31:03,165 --> 00:31:06,429
26, 28 years?
688
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:12,261
That's, like,
approximately...
$10,220.
689
00:31:14,263 --> 00:31:15,525
Oh, didn't rewind.
690
00:31:16,613 --> 00:31:20,052
$10,220 and 50 cents.
691
00:31:22,010 --> 00:31:23,838
You take crypto?
692
00:31:23,969 --> 00:31:25,274
You guys got crypto?
693
00:31:27,146 --> 00:31:28,277
No.
694
00:31:28,408 --> 00:31:29,800
If you never
watched it,
695
00:31:29,931 --> 00:31:31,585
why was it
not rewound?Yeah.
696
00:31:31,715 --> 00:31:34,022
Hey, asshole,
I said we didn't
have a VCR.
697
00:31:34,153 --> 00:31:36,546
We watched it.
We held it up
to the light.
698
00:31:37,678 --> 00:31:39,027
Fucking Luddite.
699
00:31:39,158 --> 00:31:41,160
Listen, we'll squash
your giant late fees
700
00:31:41,290 --> 00:31:44,076
on the 28-year-old copy
of Dental School
701
00:31:44,206 --> 00:31:45,642
if you let us shoot
a movie in here.
702
00:31:45,773 --> 00:31:47,906
Ooh, a pornography
movie?
703
00:31:48,036 --> 00:31:50,473
No, it's not
a porno movie.
704
00:31:50,604 --> 00:31:53,824
Sex sells, son,
and I'm always buying
705
00:31:53,955 --> 00:31:58,307
'cause I am
the Clit Commander!
706
00:31:58,438 --> 00:31:59,874
Snootchie Bootchies.
707
00:32:04,835 --> 00:32:07,229
♪ I love nachos
708
00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:09,928
♪ Nachos from 7-Eleven
709
00:32:10,058 --> 00:32:12,060
♪ I know that
They're bad for me
710
00:32:12,191 --> 00:32:14,889
♪ When I eat them
I'm in heaven
711
00:32:15,020 --> 00:32:17,152
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
712
00:32:17,283 --> 00:32:19,589
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
713
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:22,070
♪ 7-Eleven nachos!
714
00:32:30,035 --> 00:32:31,036
Goodnight.
715
00:32:31,819 --> 00:32:33,168
Thirty-seven?
716
00:32:37,433 --> 00:32:38,826
That's not
a scene, Randal.
717
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:40,175
Stop writing it
right now.
718
00:32:40,306 --> 00:32:41,960
Thirty-seven cannot go
in your movie.
719
00:32:42,090 --> 00:32:44,353
Shut the fuck up.
It's nighttime!
720
00:32:49,054 --> 00:32:51,317
"In Convenience"?
721
00:32:51,447 --> 00:32:53,319
It's the story
of my life.
722
00:32:53,449 --> 00:32:55,147
Hundred and
sixty-eight pages
full of dick jokes,
723
00:32:55,277 --> 00:32:56,496
set in
a convenience store,
724
00:32:56,626 --> 00:32:58,280
written in one night.
725
00:32:58,411 --> 00:33:00,413
Maybe don't
tell people
that last part.
726
00:33:00,543 --> 00:33:02,937
I thought, you were
gonna call it
"Convenience Stories."
727
00:33:03,068 --> 00:33:05,157
Yeah, that
shit sounded
too precious.
728
00:33:05,287 --> 00:33:06,593
What am I,
Wes Anderson?
729
00:33:06,723 --> 00:33:08,029
Not based
on this script.
730
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:09,639
"There is only
one return
731
00:33:09,770 --> 00:33:11,772
"and it ain't
of the King,
it's of the Jedi."
732
00:33:11,902 --> 00:33:13,600
Hmm.ELIAS: Hey.
733
00:33:13,730 --> 00:33:15,254
You said that
same thing
about return
734
00:33:15,384 --> 00:33:16,951
the day that
guy threw up
in Mooby's
735
00:33:17,082 --> 00:33:18,605
and you made
me clean it.RANDAL: Yeah.
736
00:33:18,735 --> 00:33:20,041
Everything
in the script
is something
737
00:33:20,172 --> 00:33:21,260
either me or someone
I know said,
738
00:33:21,390 --> 00:33:22,652
I just made up
new names.
739
00:33:22,783 --> 00:33:23,871
What am I,
some kind of writer?
740
00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,525
Ah, yes.
741
00:33:25,655 --> 00:33:27,527
Blockchain
would like
to understand
742
00:33:27,657 --> 00:33:29,616
why the two girls
are into this
"Dan-T" character
743
00:33:29,746 --> 00:33:32,010
when the Randy
character is
much funnier.
744
00:33:32,140 --> 00:33:33,489
Randy has been
asking himself
745
00:33:33,620 --> 00:33:35,230
the same question
his whole life.
746
00:33:35,361 --> 00:33:36,840
What's wrong
with Dan-T?
747
00:33:36,971 --> 00:33:38,973
Read his first scene
on page 37.
748
00:33:39,104 --> 00:33:40,670
Are you
kidding me?
749
00:33:40,801 --> 00:33:41,932
I'm in this
convenience store
way more than you,
750
00:33:42,063 --> 00:33:43,325
but I don't come
into your
751
00:33:43,456 --> 00:33:45,110
convenience store
movie 'til page 37?
752
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:47,155
I had a lot of
exposition to do.
753
00:33:47,286 --> 00:33:48,852
"Enter Dan-T.
754
00:33:48,983 --> 00:33:51,290
"A hideous fuckin'
chud of a man."
What the fuck?
755
00:33:51,420 --> 00:33:53,509
Well,
maybe Dan-T's not you.
756
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:55,033
Do you ever
think of that?
757
00:33:55,163 --> 00:33:57,426
"Dan-T's
hideous fuckin'
chud of a beard
758
00:33:57,557 --> 00:34:00,386
"doesn't suggest Tony
Stark so much as
a male crack whore
759
00:34:00,516 --> 00:34:02,344
"who is cosplaying
as Tony Stark."
760
00:34:02,475 --> 00:34:04,216
That's just
in the screen
direction.
761
00:34:04,346 --> 00:34:06,044
Nobody actually
calls Dan-T
762
00:34:06,174 --> 00:34:08,524
"a hideous
fuckin' chud."
To his face.
763
00:34:08,655 --> 00:34:09,786
I can't believe
you made me
764
00:34:09,917 --> 00:34:11,484
sign a non-disclosure
agreement,
765
00:34:11,614 --> 00:34:13,312
only to read that
I'm not even
766
00:34:13,442 --> 00:34:14,965
one of the main
characters in the
story of your life.
767
00:34:15,096 --> 00:34:16,445
I mean, I knew
I was never the Luke,
768
00:34:16,576 --> 00:34:18,012
but I thought
I was at least
the Han.
769
00:34:18,143 --> 00:34:19,622
Oh, come on,
I'm the Han
770
00:34:19,753 --> 00:34:20,797
and the Luke,
right?
771
00:34:20,928 --> 00:34:23,365
Then who am I,
the Chewie?
772
00:34:23,496 --> 00:34:25,280
I think Elias is more
the Chewie, no?
773
00:34:25,411 --> 00:34:27,021
Unless this is Empire
then I'm the Lando
774
00:34:27,152 --> 00:34:28,631
and he's the Lobot.
775
00:34:28,762 --> 00:34:29,850
I'm not even
the Lobot?
776
00:34:29,980 --> 00:34:31,504
Which one's Lobot?
777
00:34:31,634 --> 00:34:32,722
He's the one with
the headphones
who looks like
778
00:34:32,853 --> 00:34:34,072
a dad who's trying
to be a DJ.
779
00:34:34,202 --> 00:34:35,682
The bald fucker
from Bespin
780
00:34:35,812 --> 00:34:37,249
who never
says nothing
the whole movie.
781
00:34:37,379 --> 00:34:39,294
Wouldn't that make
Silent Bob the Lobot?
782
00:34:39,425 --> 00:34:42,863
No. Jay and Silent
Bob are clearly the
C-3PO and R2-D2.
783
00:34:42,993 --> 00:34:44,691
I mean, they've
been here since
the first movie,
784
00:34:44,821 --> 00:34:46,736
which was
the last time
they were cool,
785
00:34:46,867 --> 00:34:48,608
but they've been
with the franchise
so long
786
00:34:48,738 --> 00:34:50,000
they still give
them cameos
787
00:34:50,131 --> 00:34:51,437
and put them
on the lunchboxes.
788
00:34:51,567 --> 00:34:55,093
So if I'm not
Luke, Han,
Chewie, Lando,
789
00:34:55,223 --> 00:34:56,877
the droids
or the Lobot,
790
00:34:57,007 --> 00:34:58,618
then who the fuck
am I in your
Star Wars,
791
00:34:58,748 --> 00:35:00,620
Princess
fucking Leia?No.
792
00:35:00,750 --> 00:35:01,925
You're the Dak.
793
00:35:02,056 --> 00:35:04,450
Who the fuck is Dak?
794
00:35:04,580 --> 00:35:05,842
He's Luke Skywalker's
tail gunner
795
00:35:05,973 --> 00:35:07,844
in the Battle of Hoth.
796
00:35:07,975 --> 00:35:09,281
You know,
the guy who's ready
797
00:35:09,411 --> 00:35:10,934
to take on the whole
Empire himself
798
00:35:11,065 --> 00:35:12,458
until the Empire kills
the shit out of him?
799
00:35:12,588 --> 00:35:15,765
Did Dak
even get an
action figure?
800
00:35:15,896 --> 00:35:17,767
Not in the classic
Kenner line, no.
801
00:35:17,898 --> 00:35:19,682
Because?
802
00:35:19,813 --> 00:35:21,249
Because he was
deemed unimportant
to the story.
803
00:35:21,380 --> 00:35:22,946
But that's just
bullshit, man.
804
00:35:23,077 --> 00:35:26,385
Without Dak,
Luke could
have never...
805
00:35:26,515 --> 00:35:30,258
Like, Dak was
the only guy
that's, like, uh...
806
00:35:30,389 --> 00:35:33,870
I mean, Dak was
plucky as shit, man,
just like you.
807
00:35:34,001 --> 00:35:35,959
Uh, I have a question
about the script.
808
00:35:36,090 --> 00:35:37,135
Great, more
fuckin' notes.
809
00:35:37,265 --> 00:35:39,137
Go ahead.ELIAS: Yes.
810
00:35:39,267 --> 00:35:41,878
Uh, I have a problem
with the Friar
Fuck character,
811
00:35:42,009 --> 00:35:43,532
who, I believe,
is supposed to be me.
812
00:35:43,663 --> 00:35:46,535
Friar Fuck, uh,
loves Jesus,
813
00:35:46,666 --> 00:35:49,451
uh, to what appears to
be an unhealthy degree.
814
00:35:50,017 --> 00:35:51,236
And?
815
00:35:51,366 --> 00:35:54,152
And Elias is a born
again Satanist.
816
00:35:54,282 --> 00:35:56,023
Because it was Satan
who saved you
817
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:58,504
when my prayers
fell on the deaf
ears of Jesus,
818
00:35:58,634 --> 00:36:00,593
the giant jerkoff.
819
00:36:00,723 --> 00:36:02,203
All right,
listen up,
Friar Fuck.
820
00:36:02,334 --> 00:36:03,726
I get that you
just broke up
821
00:36:03,857 --> 00:36:05,685
with your boyfriend
Jesus recently,
822
00:36:05,815 --> 00:36:07,687
and clearly you're
going through
some couture
823
00:36:07,817 --> 00:36:09,602
and cosmetic stuff
because of it.
824
00:36:09,732 --> 00:36:11,517
But for the
first 36 years
of your life,
825
00:36:11,647 --> 00:36:14,476
you were into Jesus
to an unhealthy degree,
826
00:36:14,607 --> 00:36:17,523
and that's the Elias
that I based
Friar Fuck on.
827
00:36:17,653 --> 00:36:19,264
Then this script
is based on lies.
828
00:36:19,394 --> 00:36:20,874
Welcome to
the movie biz.
829
00:36:21,004 --> 00:36:23,485
There's no truth
in this art!
830
00:36:23,616 --> 00:36:24,834
Jesus.
831
00:36:24,965 --> 00:36:27,446
Everyone's a critic.
832
00:36:27,576 --> 00:36:28,838
So, what do
we do next?
833
00:36:28,969 --> 00:36:30,666
What are you
asking Dak for?
834
00:36:30,797 --> 00:36:33,408
Well, I can't do this alone.
I need a producer.
835
00:36:33,539 --> 00:36:35,454
That's your job.Me?
836
00:36:35,584 --> 00:36:37,499
What do I know
about producing?
837
00:36:37,630 --> 00:36:39,153
Come on. I'm already
writing and directing.
838
00:36:39,284 --> 00:36:40,633
I can't do
everything, man.
839
00:36:40,763 --> 00:36:42,722
All right. What does
a producer do?
840
00:36:42,852 --> 00:36:45,377
Just build us a schedule,
keep us under budget,
841
00:36:45,507 --> 00:36:47,944
secure a DP,
and most importantly,
842
00:36:48,075 --> 00:36:49,772
find us financing.
843
00:36:49,903 --> 00:36:52,862
What, I gotta
get money, too?
844
00:36:52,993 --> 00:36:54,168
How much are we
talking about here?
845
00:36:54,299 --> 00:36:56,388
Mmm, 25 grand.
846
00:36:56,518 --> 00:36:59,260
$25,000?
847
00:36:59,391 --> 00:37:02,132
Well, technically,
it's $27,575
848
00:37:02,263 --> 00:37:04,004
but it would be way more
if we were in Canada.
849
00:37:04,134 --> 00:37:05,440
Where the fuck
am I supposed to find
850
00:37:05,571 --> 00:37:06,876
that kind of
money from?
851
00:37:07,007 --> 00:37:08,313
We can find that
kind of cash.
852
00:37:09,096 --> 00:37:10,793
What? How?
853
00:37:10,924 --> 00:37:12,273
We launch our
crypto kite
NFTs next month.
854
00:37:12,404 --> 00:37:13,840
So the Crimson Crypto Club
855
00:37:13,970 --> 00:37:15,102
could have a lot
of money to invest
856
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,625
if the crypto
kites fly.
857
00:37:16,756 --> 00:37:18,584
Again
with the fucking kites.
858
00:37:18,714 --> 00:37:20,977
Guys, we need real loot
to make a real movie,
859
00:37:21,108 --> 00:37:23,153
not your make pretend
Matrix money,
860
00:37:23,284 --> 00:37:25,330
you fuckin'
kite fucker.
861
00:37:25,460 --> 00:37:27,462
I'm sick and tired
of the kite killing
attitude around here.
862
00:37:31,814 --> 00:37:33,468
Anyway,
back to the budget.
863
00:37:33,599 --> 00:37:34,687
What if we took
out a loan
against the store?
864
00:37:34,817 --> 00:37:36,210
A loan?
865
00:37:36,341 --> 00:37:38,081
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why don't we just
866
00:37:38,212 --> 00:37:39,518
slow down a minute
and think about
this first?
867
00:37:39,648 --> 00:37:41,650
Slow down?
I almost died, man.
868
00:37:41,781 --> 00:37:43,478
It doesn't get
any slower than that.
869
00:37:43,609 --> 00:37:46,089
I'm not getting all
"Dante" about this.
870
00:37:46,220 --> 00:37:47,743
Uh, what's that
supposed to mean?
871
00:37:47,874 --> 00:37:49,267
You're the guy
who can never decide
872
00:37:49,397 --> 00:37:51,007
whether to shit
or get off the pot.
873
00:37:51,138 --> 00:37:53,183
Well, I don't
have time
for that anymore.
874
00:37:53,314 --> 00:37:55,185
From now on,
I'm gonna shit bricks
875
00:37:55,316 --> 00:37:56,926
or what's the point
of being here?
876
00:37:57,057 --> 00:37:58,493
So, come on, man,
877
00:37:58,624 --> 00:38:00,582
get behind me
when I shit for once.
878
00:38:00,713 --> 00:38:03,063
So I can what,
wipe your ass?
879
00:38:05,065 --> 00:38:06,545
You know, I don't wanna get
all "Dante" about this,
880
00:38:06,675 --> 00:38:08,808
but find someone else
to take your shit.
881
00:38:27,914 --> 00:38:31,439
Well,
well, well,
here he is.
882
00:38:31,570 --> 00:38:33,180
The escape artist.
883
00:38:35,661 --> 00:38:38,054
I Sit on Your Grave.
884
00:38:38,185 --> 00:38:40,927
Didn't
we have that movie
at the video store?
885
00:38:41,057 --> 00:38:42,929
I Spit on Your Grave.
886
00:38:43,059 --> 00:38:44,800
Hicks, you spit
on my grave
in a dream,
887
00:38:44,931 --> 00:38:46,324
you better wake up
and apologize.
888
00:38:46,454 --> 00:38:47,716
Ah...
889
00:38:47,847 --> 00:38:50,023
So this is a dream.Uh, if it is,
890
00:38:50,153 --> 00:38:52,765
then you need to learn
to dream bigger.
891
00:38:52,895 --> 00:38:54,201
I mean, really,
892
00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:55,463
this is the best
that you can do?
893
00:38:56,595 --> 00:38:58,205
A cemetery?
894
00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:01,556
You can't dream
us into sex...
895
00:39:01,687 --> 00:39:02,992
on the beach...
896
00:39:03,863 --> 00:39:06,169
in Hawaii?
897
00:39:06,300 --> 00:39:08,520
Like you'd wanna
have sex with me now.
898
00:39:08,650 --> 00:39:10,609
I'm an old man.
899
00:39:10,739 --> 00:39:13,089
I'll have you know
that being dead only
900
00:39:13,220 --> 00:39:15,440
increases your
sex drive.
901
00:39:16,789 --> 00:39:19,487
The dead live
to fuck.
902
00:39:19,618 --> 00:39:21,402
So you have sex
in the afterlife?
903
00:39:21,533 --> 00:39:23,099
Hell's yeah.
904
00:39:23,230 --> 00:39:25,188
There's nothing to do
in Heaven except fuck.
905
00:39:25,319 --> 00:39:27,669
That's what
makes it Heaven.
906
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:29,889
I can't believe my
wife's having sex
with dead people.
907
00:39:30,019 --> 00:39:31,325
Famous dead people.
908
00:39:31,456 --> 00:39:33,109
I'm on the celebrity
circuit now.
909
00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:34,937
Bullshit. Name one
famous person you
fucked in Heaven.
910
00:39:35,068 --> 00:39:37,070
One. Okay.
911
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:41,117
I have knocked boots
with the ghost
of Cleopatra, sir.
912
00:39:41,248 --> 00:39:43,424
Oh.And Miles Davis
913
00:39:43,555 --> 00:39:45,774
and Frederick
Douglass,
together.
914
00:39:47,210 --> 00:39:49,082
George Washington...What?
915
00:39:49,212 --> 00:39:51,171
Carver.Oh.
916
00:39:51,301 --> 00:39:52,607
You know how much
I love peanut butter.
917
00:39:52,738 --> 00:39:54,609
True.Who else?
918
00:39:54,740 --> 00:39:56,176
Um, Carl Sagan.
919
00:39:56,306 --> 00:39:58,265
Oh!A real thinker.
920
00:39:58,396 --> 00:39:59,397
Um...
921
00:40:00,572 --> 00:40:02,530
Malcolm X.
922
00:40:02,661 --> 00:40:05,403
Malcolm triple X.Oh, settle down.
923
00:40:05,533 --> 00:40:08,101
And I'm sure you're letting
them all go ass to mouth.
924
00:40:08,231 --> 00:40:10,364
Uh, yeah,
they're famous.
925
00:40:17,371 --> 00:40:18,764
You think
I want this,
don't you?
926
00:40:20,766 --> 00:40:22,768
You carrying
the torch for me?
927
00:40:24,639 --> 00:40:26,728
I told you how
I feel about
romantic love, Hicks.
928
00:40:26,859 --> 00:40:28,600
Oh, I remember.
929
00:40:28,730 --> 00:40:31,124
You were very
convincing.Mmm.
930
00:40:31,254 --> 00:40:32,952
Right up until the day
I proposed.
931
00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:37,565
We only knew each other
for, like, 15 minutes.
932
00:40:37,696 --> 00:40:40,350
You've been mourning me
for, like, 15 years.
933
00:40:40,481 --> 00:40:41,743
So what do you
want me to do?
934
00:40:41,874 --> 00:40:43,789
You want me to just
forget about you?
935
00:40:43,919 --> 00:40:46,182
You were all
I ever dreamed about.
936
00:40:46,966 --> 00:40:48,010
Both of you.
937
00:40:50,012 --> 00:40:51,492
Now...
938
00:40:53,146 --> 00:40:55,931
God, I'm so alone.
939
00:40:58,717 --> 00:41:00,022
I know.
940
00:41:01,676 --> 00:41:03,417
I know losing me
and Grace...
941
00:41:04,592 --> 00:41:05,637
broke you.
942
00:41:07,726 --> 00:41:09,858
But you don't know
how lucky you have it.
943
00:41:09,989 --> 00:41:11,643
What?
944
00:41:11,773 --> 00:41:14,820
The Book of Life
is closed
for the two of us.
945
00:41:14,950 --> 00:41:17,692
But you... can still
turn a page.
946
00:41:17,823 --> 00:41:20,390
You get to keep writing
the story of your life.
947
00:41:20,521 --> 00:41:23,698
Why bother without you?
948
00:41:23,829 --> 00:41:26,701
Because there are
more tales
to tell, Hicks.
949
00:41:28,398 --> 00:41:30,575
As long as
you're alive,
950
00:41:30,705 --> 00:41:33,012
you can always
start another chapter.
951
00:41:34,883 --> 00:41:38,974
So live while you can,
love while you can.
952
00:41:41,411 --> 00:41:42,500
God damn it.
953
00:41:45,154 --> 00:41:46,329
Dream bigger.
954
00:41:49,550 --> 00:41:52,118
That all sounds
pretty romantic
955
00:41:52,248 --> 00:41:55,034
coming from a girl
who doesn't believe
in romantic love.
956
00:41:55,164 --> 00:41:56,992
I don't believe
in romantic love.
957
00:41:57,123 --> 00:41:58,777
That's my girl.
958
00:42:01,214 --> 00:42:02,520
But I do believe
in you.
959
00:42:31,723 --> 00:42:33,507
Hey, I wanna thank
you guys for having
me here today.
960
00:42:33,638 --> 00:42:35,988
I've always wanted
to be an actor.
961
00:42:36,118 --> 00:42:37,816
Nice.
962
00:42:37,946 --> 00:42:42,429
I'm not even
supposed to be
here today!
963
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,170
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
964
00:42:44,300 --> 00:42:46,172
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
965
00:42:46,302 --> 00:42:48,696
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
966
00:42:51,525 --> 00:42:53,309
I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
967
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:54,876
I'm not even supposed
968
00:42:55,007 --> 00:42:58,532
to fucking be here
to fucking day, fucks.
969
00:42:58,663 --> 00:43:01,491
Oh, shit! I thought
that was the police.
970
00:43:01,622 --> 00:43:03,145
I'm not even supposed
to be here.
971
00:43:03,276 --> 00:43:05,408
By the power
of Grayskull,
972
00:43:05,539 --> 00:43:10,979
I am not supposed
to be here today!
973
00:43:11,110 --> 00:43:12,590
Hey, I'm Joe.
974
00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:14,243
Uh, I'm 45-years-old,
recently divorced,
975
00:43:14,374 --> 00:43:16,463
and I figured I'd give
this shit a go. Uh...
976
00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:18,291
I am not even supposed
to be here today.
977
00:43:19,727 --> 00:43:21,337
Damn right.
978
00:43:21,468 --> 00:43:23,731
Uh...
979
00:43:23,862 --> 00:43:25,777
Lion face.
980
00:43:25,907 --> 00:43:28,649
Lemon face.
981
00:43:28,780 --> 00:43:32,522
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
982
00:43:32,653 --> 00:43:34,437
Um...
A little about me.
983
00:43:34,568 --> 00:43:36,788
I'm known professionally
as Boston John.
984
00:43:36,918 --> 00:43:38,746
That's a nom de plume.
985
00:43:38,877 --> 00:43:42,489
Uh, Robert De Niro
is my fuckin'...
Lone star.
986
00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:44,796
You know what I'm saying?
Close your eyes. Just...
987
00:43:44,926 --> 00:43:47,799
Close your eyes.
Just listen.
Ready? All right?
988
00:43:47,929 --> 00:43:49,844
I have nipples, Greg.
989
00:43:49,975 --> 00:43:51,846
Could you milk me?
990
00:43:51,977 --> 00:43:54,849
Fuck, that is one,
bitch. All day.
991
00:43:54,980 --> 00:43:57,069
Can you give me one
like Schwarzenegger?
992
00:43:57,199 --> 00:43:59,332
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
993
00:43:59,462 --> 00:44:01,726
But can you, uh,
Pacino that shit?
994
00:44:01,856 --> 00:44:02,857
Ooh-ah!
995
00:44:02,988 --> 00:44:04,729
When, Lord?
996
00:44:04,859 --> 00:44:07,775
When will I see
the God damn sailboat?
997
00:44:09,559 --> 00:44:12,954
That came from a real
deep personal place.
998
00:44:13,085 --> 00:44:14,477
I have a BFA.
999
00:44:14,608 --> 00:44:16,001
Uh, I'm a theater
background actor.
1000
00:44:16,131 --> 00:44:18,046
As an actor with
a theater background,
1001
00:44:18,177 --> 00:44:19,918
I was classically
trained in New York.
1002
00:44:20,048 --> 00:44:21,963
Have you
actually thought
1003
00:44:22,094 --> 00:44:23,008
about going
musical with this?
'Cause it could be...
1004
00:44:23,138 --> 00:44:24,270
♪ I'm not even...
1005
00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:26,489
Supposed to be here.
1006
00:44:30,624 --> 00:44:33,409
Hah, hoo, hah.
Yeah-cha!
1007
00:44:33,540 --> 00:44:36,195
Kick ball change
and snap,
snap, jazz hands.
1008
00:44:36,325 --> 00:44:38,197
That is beautiful, man.
1009
00:44:39,981 --> 00:44:41,156
Freddie Prinze Jr.
1010
00:44:43,071 --> 00:44:44,856
"I'll fuck anything
that moves."
1011
00:44:44,986 --> 00:44:46,901
Wait, wait a minute, man,
is this a porno?
1012
00:44:47,032 --> 00:44:48,860
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
1013
00:44:48,990 --> 00:44:50,296
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
1014
00:44:50,426 --> 00:44:51,863
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
1015
00:44:51,993 --> 00:44:53,342
That's a little bit
in your face.
1016
00:44:53,473 --> 00:44:55,344
Let me try it
like this, hold on.
1017
00:44:55,475 --> 00:44:56,911
Can I borrow
your underpants
for about ten minutes?
1018
00:44:57,042 --> 00:44:58,478
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
1019
00:44:58,608 --> 00:44:59,740
And, fool,
1020
00:44:59,871 --> 00:45:02,438
I always carry
a machete.
1021
00:45:02,569 --> 00:45:05,877
I'll fuck anything
that moves!
1022
00:45:06,007 --> 00:45:07,661
Sounds like the guy
I buy weed from.
1023
00:45:07,792 --> 00:45:08,836
You know what
this movie needs?
1024
00:45:08,967 --> 00:45:11,491
Deez. Deez nuts!
1025
00:45:11,621 --> 00:45:13,536
Can I just offer you
a piece of advice?
1026
00:45:13,667 --> 00:45:15,277
You know what
this script
needs right here?
1027
00:45:15,408 --> 00:45:17,889
Like an old lady
that says curse words.
1028
00:45:18,019 --> 00:45:19,978
Holy shit.
1029
00:45:20,108 --> 00:45:22,458
Who wrote this garbage?
His mother should
be ashamed.
1030
00:45:26,549 --> 00:45:27,855
The fuck?
1031
00:45:27,986 --> 00:45:29,857
He's auditioning
for Silent Bill.
1032
00:45:33,121 --> 00:45:34,688
I don't know if you know
Sound of Music,
1033
00:45:34,819 --> 00:45:36,298
the marionettes were
the best part of that.
1034
00:45:36,429 --> 00:45:39,780
I think that's why
they won Oscars.
1035
00:45:39,911 --> 00:45:41,869
It's worth
thinking about
1036
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:44,785
maybe doing
the whole movie
with marionettes.
1037
00:45:53,794 --> 00:45:54,969
Take your
heart pills,
Tin Man.
1038
00:45:55,100 --> 00:45:56,797
Hey.
1039
00:45:56,928 --> 00:45:58,625
So, how's it going
with the financing?
1040
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,148
You raise
my money, yet?
1041
00:46:00,279 --> 00:46:01,628
If it's your money,
1042
00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:02,934
then how come
I have to raise it?
1043
00:46:03,064 --> 00:46:04,762
That's Hollywood.
1044
00:46:04,892 --> 00:46:06,024
Did you finish
reading the script?
1045
00:46:06,154 --> 00:46:07,242
Last night.
1046
00:46:07,373 --> 00:46:09,027
And? It's funny,
right?
1047
00:46:09,157 --> 00:46:11,116
It's funny,
1048
00:46:11,246 --> 00:46:13,640
but it was like
my entire life flashed
before my eyes.
1049
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:16,034
My life flashed
before your eyes.
1050
00:46:16,164 --> 00:46:18,340
I was glad you left
some stuff out.
1051
00:46:20,473 --> 00:46:21,822
So, uh...
1052
00:46:21,953 --> 00:46:23,911
which one of these guys
gets to play me?
1053
00:46:24,042 --> 00:46:25,304
Well, the guys
are too young
1054
00:46:25,434 --> 00:46:27,175
and hot to play you.What the fuck?
1055
00:46:27,306 --> 00:46:29,961
And nobody's nearly
funny enough to play me.
1056
00:46:30,091 --> 00:46:31,440
So then,
what are you gonna do?
1057
00:46:31,571 --> 00:46:34,095
I'm gonna play
my part myself.
1058
00:46:45,933 --> 00:46:49,284
All right, already,
we're closing.
Gee whiz!
1059
00:46:49,415 --> 00:46:52,374
Why? You're highly
offending me!
1060
00:46:52,505 --> 00:46:54,899
Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Jesus.
1061
00:46:55,029 --> 00:46:57,162
I'm sorry, ma'am,
we're closed.
1062
00:46:57,292 --> 00:46:58,946
It's me, Randal.
1063
00:46:59,077 --> 00:47:01,557
Huh. Cool.
Blade Runner,
I like that.
1064
00:47:01,688 --> 00:47:03,821
Thanks. What's
a Blade Runner?
1065
00:47:03,951 --> 00:47:06,040
Can we get back to you
acting in a movie
1066
00:47:06,171 --> 00:47:08,477
that you're directing
even though you've
never acted in
1067
00:47:08,608 --> 00:47:09,914
or directed
a movie before?
1068
00:47:10,044 --> 00:47:11,567
It worked for
Orson Welles.
1069
00:47:11,698 --> 00:47:13,178
You're not
an actor.
1070
00:47:13,308 --> 00:47:14,701
Neither was
Howard Stern,
1071
00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,659
but he acted
in the movie
about his life.
1072
00:47:16,790 --> 00:47:17,835
If you
call that acting.
1073
00:47:17,965 --> 00:47:19,532
You think you
can do better?
1074
00:47:19,662 --> 00:47:21,839
Better than Howard Stern
did in Private Parts?
1075
00:47:21,969 --> 00:47:23,449
It's not a high bar.
1076
00:47:23,579 --> 00:47:26,060
Great, because
you're playing Dan-T.
1077
00:47:26,191 --> 00:47:28,715
What? No, no, no.
I'm not. I can't act.
1078
00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:30,108
You're as good
as any of the jokers
1079
00:47:30,238 --> 00:47:31,849
we saw at
1the audition.
1080
00:47:31,979 --> 00:47:34,286
Besides, if I'm
gonna play me,
you gotta play you.
1081
00:47:34,416 --> 00:47:36,201
You have
to do this,
Mr. Dan-T.
1082
00:47:36,331 --> 00:47:37,637
Oh,
for God's sakes,
1083
00:47:37,767 --> 00:47:39,682
please stop calling me
Mr. Dan-T.
1084
00:47:39,813 --> 00:47:41,728
That's another thing.
Fuck all the fake names.
1085
00:47:41,859 --> 00:47:44,035
What is this shit,
Mad Magazine?
1086
00:47:44,165 --> 00:47:46,428
Randal is
playing Randal.
1087
00:47:46,559 --> 00:47:50,563
Dante is playing Dante,
aka Mr. Dante,
1088
00:47:50,693 --> 00:47:53,783
and Elias is
playing Elias.
1089
00:47:53,914 --> 00:47:55,220
I'm in
the movie, too?
1090
00:47:55,350 --> 00:47:57,352
Yup. And as a Satanist
playing a Christian,
1091
00:47:57,483 --> 00:47:59,398
you've gotta
act the most.
1092
00:47:59,528 --> 00:48:01,530
It's my very
own chance...
1093
00:48:01,661 --> 00:48:03,271
to transform.
1094
00:48:03,402 --> 00:48:05,883
And transform
you shall,
Bumblebee.
1095
00:48:06,013 --> 00:48:09,103
Soon as Mr. Dante
secures our
fuckin' financing.
1096
00:48:09,234 --> 00:48:11,627
Yo, it's too bad
you didn't marry
that Emma chick,
1097
00:48:11,758 --> 00:48:13,455
the one with
the big clit.
1098
00:48:13,586 --> 00:48:15,675
Wasn't she like some
kinda car wash heiress
or something?
1099
00:48:15,805 --> 00:48:17,068
Can you focus?
1100
00:48:17,198 --> 00:48:18,808
Even if we do
play ourselves,
1101
00:48:18,939 --> 00:48:20,549
you still got to cast
all the customer parts.
1102
00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:23,988
Why am I casting
customers to say
all this stupid shit
1103
00:48:24,118 --> 00:48:25,859
when I still see
the real customers
1104
00:48:25,990 --> 00:48:27,643
who said all
the stupid shit
in the first place
1105
00:48:27,774 --> 00:48:30,168
come in here every day?
They can do it.
1106
00:48:30,298 --> 00:48:32,083
Oh, my God,
you can't just turn
1107
00:48:32,213 --> 00:48:34,128
regular people
into movie stars.
1108
00:48:34,259 --> 00:48:37,131
Noinch, noinch, noinch!
Smokin' weed.
1109
00:48:37,262 --> 00:48:38,698
Smokin' weed!
1110
00:48:38,828 --> 00:48:39,960
Pack of wraps,
my good man.
1111
00:48:40,091 --> 00:48:41,483
Time to kick back,
drink some beers
1112
00:48:41,614 --> 00:48:42,789
and smoke some weed.
1113
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:45,183
You own a whole
weed store.
1114
00:48:45,313 --> 00:48:46,836
Hey, Randal,
I've got an idea.
1115
00:48:46,967 --> 00:48:49,665
What if Jay and Bob
play Jay and Bob?
1116
00:48:49,796 --> 00:48:53,017
Well, we can
ask 'em. Yo.
1117
00:48:53,147 --> 00:48:55,280
Youse guys want to
be in my movie?
1118
00:48:55,410 --> 00:48:57,151
Ooh, a pornography
movie?
1119
00:48:57,282 --> 00:48:58,979
It's not
a porno movie.
1120
00:48:59,110 --> 00:49:00,676
It's the movie
we're shooting
in your store.
1121
00:49:00,807 --> 00:49:03,027
That movie?
You still ain't done?
1122
00:49:03,157 --> 00:49:05,116
We haven't even
started yet.
1123
00:49:05,246 --> 00:49:08,597
I don't know. Who would
we be playing
in this movie?
1124
00:49:08,728 --> 00:49:10,208
Well, it's these
two characters
I kind of based
1125
00:49:10,338 --> 00:49:12,340
on you
and Maggie
Simpson here.
1126
00:49:12,471 --> 00:49:14,864
Check out your
first scene.
1127
00:49:14,995 --> 00:49:16,866
These guys
aren't real actors.
1128
00:49:16,997 --> 00:49:19,043
But they are real
fucked up and I could
work with that.
1129
00:49:19,173 --> 00:49:21,088
This doesn't sound
like me at all.
1130
00:49:21,219 --> 00:49:22,655
What are you
talking about?
1131
00:49:22,785 --> 00:49:24,570
All the shit in there
is all the stuff
1132
00:49:24,700 --> 00:49:26,920
I've personally heard
you say around here.
1133
00:49:27,051 --> 00:49:28,704
I do not talk
like this, man.
1134
00:49:28,835 --> 00:49:30,576
Why do you have me
saying stupid shit like
1135
00:49:30,706 --> 00:49:32,230
"Snootchie Bootchies"
all the time?
1136
00:49:32,360 --> 00:49:34,058
I'll tell
you what.
1137
00:49:34,188 --> 00:49:36,234
If you guys
play yourselves
in the movie,
1138
00:49:36,364 --> 00:49:38,584
I'll let you guys
be in charge
of Crafty, too.
1139
00:49:38,714 --> 00:49:40,760
So what's
Crafty about?
1140
00:49:40,890 --> 00:49:43,676
Well, in addition to
being the comic
relief in the movie,
1141
00:49:43,806 --> 00:49:45,983
you'd also be in charge
of all the food on set.
1142
00:49:46,113 --> 00:49:48,115
Ooh, we learned
about food prep
1143
00:49:48,246 --> 00:49:51,031
back when we ran
the fucking Cock Smoker.
1144
00:49:51,162 --> 00:49:52,598
Wasn't that place
just a drug front?
1145
00:49:52,728 --> 00:49:55,253
No,
we had drugs
in the front
1146
00:49:55,383 --> 00:49:57,516
and drugs
in the back.
1147
00:49:57,646 --> 00:49:58,952
So if Elias
is playing Elias
1148
00:49:59,083 --> 00:50:00,780
and these dopes
are playing themselves,
1149
00:50:00,910 --> 00:50:02,260
who are you gonna get
to play Veronica?
1150
00:50:02,390 --> 00:50:03,826
Well, funny you
should ask,
1151
00:50:03,957 --> 00:50:05,872
'cause earlier today
I sent the script
1152
00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:07,874
to someone who
will be absolutely...
1153
00:50:08,005 --> 00:50:09,919
...perfect to
play Veronica.
1154
00:50:11,834 --> 00:50:14,620
Who the fuck
do you people
think you are?
1155
00:50:14,750 --> 00:50:16,752
Veronica?What is this filth?
1156
00:50:16,883 --> 00:50:19,364
What is this gamey,
tawdry trash
1157
00:50:19,494 --> 00:50:22,062
that makes me out to be
some slutty sex maniac?
1158
00:50:22,193 --> 00:50:23,803
It's just
a movie I'm making
1159
00:50:23,933 --> 00:50:25,283
about my life,
and I thought
1160
00:50:25,413 --> 00:50:26,806
it'd be fun for you
to play yourself in it.
1161
00:50:26,936 --> 00:50:28,199
Oh, you did?
1162
00:50:28,329 --> 00:50:29,765
Yeah.
1163
00:50:29,896 --> 00:50:31,724
Then you are
fucking sick!Hey!
1164
00:50:31,854 --> 00:50:34,248
Watch it with
my artistic expression.
1165
00:50:34,379 --> 00:50:36,729
"Artistic expression"?
That's my life.
1166
00:50:36,859 --> 00:50:38,252
It's my life.
1167
00:50:38,383 --> 00:50:40,646
Okay, everybody,
calm down.Jeez.
1168
00:50:40,776 --> 00:50:42,126
Oh, come on,
you would have killed
1169
00:50:42,256 --> 00:50:43,518
to have been
in a film in college.
1170
00:50:43,649 --> 00:50:44,737
You majored
in drama.
1171
00:50:44,867 --> 00:50:46,956
I minored
in drama.
1172
00:50:47,087 --> 00:50:49,089
I majored in
oral surgery.
1173
00:50:49,220 --> 00:50:50,960
All hail the queen
of oral.
1174
00:50:51,091 --> 00:50:52,701
Fuck you.Surgery.
1175
00:50:52,832 --> 00:50:54,442
You didn't
let me finish.
1176
00:50:54,573 --> 00:50:56,096
And I'm not gonna let you
finish this film either,
1177
00:50:56,227 --> 00:50:58,055
not with me
as a character.
1178
00:50:58,185 --> 00:51:00,927
I'm not some
fucking joke
you get to tell
1179
00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:02,711
in your dirty
little B movie,
1180
00:51:02,842 --> 00:51:05,932
you two-bit
strip mall Soderbergh.
1181
00:51:06,063 --> 00:51:08,674
I see myself
more like retail's
Richard Linklater.
1182
00:51:08,804 --> 00:51:10,154
You want
to do this?
1183
00:51:10,284 --> 00:51:12,721
Fine, but leave
me out of it.
1184
00:51:12,852 --> 00:51:15,159
Unlike either of you,
I've got a grown-up job.
1185
00:51:15,289 --> 00:51:17,770
And unlike either of you,
I've got a family.
1186
00:51:21,295 --> 00:51:22,905
Oh, man,
I'm so sorry.
1187
00:51:25,386 --> 00:51:27,171
I... Sorry.
1188
00:51:39,531 --> 00:51:40,967
Please don't cry.
1189
00:51:41,098 --> 00:51:44,579
It's just been a shit day.
1190
00:51:46,320 --> 00:51:48,888
I had two
cancelations.
1191
00:51:49,018 --> 00:51:50,672
My ex calls
to tell me that
1192
00:51:50,803 --> 00:51:52,805
he's not putting
our daughter's car
1193
00:51:52,935 --> 00:51:54,372
on his insurance,
1194
00:51:54,502 --> 00:51:57,418
and so now somehow
she's pissed at me.
1195
00:51:59,725 --> 00:52:03,772
And then I see you
and say that shit.
1196
00:52:03,903 --> 00:52:06,819
It's okay. Really.
1197
00:52:06,949 --> 00:52:10,214
I kinda feel like...
I feel like such
an asshole.
1198
00:52:10,344 --> 00:52:13,304
Hey, Ronnie.
1199
00:52:13,434 --> 00:52:15,349
If Randal told me he was
gonna send you the script,
1200
00:52:15,480 --> 00:52:16,698
I would've said no way.
1201
00:52:17,699 --> 00:52:19,527
But now,
I'm glad he did.
1202
00:52:21,094 --> 00:52:22,791
Because it's...
1203
00:52:22,922 --> 00:52:26,012
it's really nice to see you.
Even under the circumstances.
1204
00:52:28,884 --> 00:52:31,235
And you look great.
1205
00:52:31,365 --> 00:52:32,888
You look way younger
than I do.
1206
00:52:33,019 --> 00:52:35,543
Yeah?Yeah.
1207
00:52:35,674 --> 00:52:38,503
How young you
think I look?
1208
00:52:38,633 --> 00:52:40,157
You don't look
a day over...
1209
00:52:41,114 --> 00:52:43,029
37.
1210
00:52:44,683 --> 00:52:45,858
So, um...
1211
00:52:47,947 --> 00:52:48,861
You want to fuck?
1212
00:52:48,991 --> 00:52:50,471
♪ I'm a mess
1213
00:52:50,602 --> 00:52:52,430
♪ All washed out
1214
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:54,519
♪ Mostly regrets
1215
00:52:54,649 --> 00:52:56,129
♪ Laced with doubts
1216
00:52:56,260 --> 00:52:57,435
♪ All bruised up
1217
00:52:58,697 --> 00:53:00,264
♪ I'm knocked down
1218
00:53:00,394 --> 00:53:02,179
You think
this means
Veronica is in?
1219
00:53:02,309 --> 00:53:04,659
I think it means
Dante sure is.
1220
00:53:04,790 --> 00:53:06,661
♪ No hope
1221
00:53:09,534 --> 00:53:10,796
"Silent Bob,
1222
00:53:10,926 --> 00:53:13,842
"you are a rude
motherfucker.
1223
00:53:13,973 --> 00:53:16,454
"But you are cute
as hell."
1224
00:53:19,848 --> 00:53:21,241
Silent Bob!
1225
00:53:21,372 --> 00:53:24,549
You are
a rrr-rude
motherfucker!
1226
00:53:24,679 --> 00:53:26,203
But you're cute
as hell!
1227
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,816
I brought
the cat, Randal.
1228
00:53:30,946 --> 00:53:32,687
Perfect. We don't
want him
going anywhere
1229
00:53:32,818 --> 00:53:34,472
near a litter box
until we're
ready to shoot.
1230
00:53:34,602 --> 00:53:35,690
So you're gonna
have to hold
him all day.
1231
00:53:35,821 --> 00:53:37,736
But I'm allergic
to cats.
1232
00:53:37,866 --> 00:53:39,999
You got to suffer
for your art, man.
1233
00:53:40,129 --> 00:53:41,609
But it's not my art,
it's your art.
1234
00:53:41,740 --> 00:53:43,220
Shouldn't you be
the one doing
the suffering?
1235
00:53:43,350 --> 00:53:44,786
I didn't
suffer enough
1236
00:53:44,917 --> 00:53:46,266
when I almost died
from a heart attack,
1237
00:53:46,397 --> 00:53:48,050
which I might
add was after
1238
00:53:48,181 --> 00:53:49,835
a heated exchange
about kites?
1239
00:53:49,965 --> 00:53:51,663
My allergies
have made me immune
1240
00:53:51,793 --> 00:53:53,578
to your emotional
blackmail.
1241
00:53:57,190 --> 00:53:58,496
Check out
this acting.
1242
00:53:58,626 --> 00:54:00,280
Silent Bob,
1243
00:54:00,411 --> 00:54:02,978
you are a rrr-rude
motherfucker!
1244
00:54:03,109 --> 00:54:05,242
But you're cute
as hell.
1245
00:54:05,372 --> 00:54:07,853
Very natural,
and subtle.
I like it.
1246
00:54:10,203 --> 00:54:12,553
So, how are you
feeling today?
1247
00:54:12,684 --> 00:54:14,599
Oh, you know,
I feel like that kid
1248
00:54:14,729 --> 00:54:16,296
that worked
in the video store,
1249
00:54:16,427 --> 00:54:18,385
fully fluent in
the language of cinema.
1250
00:54:18,516 --> 00:54:20,431
It's like I was born
to direct.
1251
00:54:20,561 --> 00:54:22,128
No, bro. I mean,
you had a heart
attack last month.
1252
00:54:22,259 --> 00:54:24,173
Oh, that.
No, I feel fine.
1253
00:54:24,304 --> 00:54:25,697
How do you
feel today
1254
00:54:25,827 --> 00:54:27,742
after your Range Rover
sleepover last night?
1255
00:54:27,873 --> 00:54:30,441
Stop it.When I said
to be a producer,
1256
00:54:30,571 --> 00:54:32,834
I didn't mean produce
a late-in-life child.
1257
00:54:32,965 --> 00:54:34,706
Unwilling producer.
1258
00:54:34,836 --> 00:54:37,448
I didn't ask
for this job,
but I am doing it.
1259
00:54:37,578 --> 00:54:39,885
So I have a meeting
today about money.
1260
00:54:40,015 --> 00:54:42,017
Fucking A,
that's producing, J.J.
1261
00:54:42,148 --> 00:54:43,976
And I found you
a cinematographer.
1262
00:54:44,106 --> 00:54:45,804
What?May I present to you...
1263
00:54:47,632 --> 00:54:48,633
Shooter Bob.
1264
00:54:50,287 --> 00:54:52,158
Silent Bob is
gonna be our DP?
1265
00:54:52,289 --> 00:54:55,466
Shit, yeah,
we all gonna be
doing DPs!
1266
00:54:55,596 --> 00:54:57,294
Uh, DP is the name
of the job.
1267
00:54:57,424 --> 00:54:58,599
You said
it was cinematographer.
1268
00:54:58,730 --> 00:55:01,080
The cinematographer
is the DP.
1269
00:55:01,210 --> 00:55:02,821
Man, don't be
acting like
you know
1270
00:55:02,951 --> 00:55:04,301
all the industry
slang and shit.
1271
00:55:04,431 --> 00:55:05,954
Me and Silent Bob
are the only ones here
1272
00:55:06,085 --> 00:55:09,044
who've actually been
on a movie set. Twice.
1273
00:55:10,959 --> 00:55:12,483
Come on.
1274
00:55:12,613 --> 00:55:14,485
Yes, he's an
unconventional choice,
1275
00:55:14,615 --> 00:55:16,878
but you are an
unconventional
filmmaker making
1276
00:55:17,009 --> 00:55:19,098
an unconventional film.Yeah.
1277
00:55:19,228 --> 00:55:22,188
You want me to entrust
the story of my life
to the Quiet Place.
1278
00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:23,798
He has some
really nice shots
1279
00:55:23,929 --> 00:55:25,234
on his Instagram.
1280
00:55:25,365 --> 00:55:27,236
Come on, give him
a chance, man.
1281
00:55:27,367 --> 00:55:28,847
Maybe he speaks
the language of
cinema like you do.
1282
00:55:28,977 --> 00:55:30,979
The guy never
speaks at all.
1283
00:55:31,110 --> 00:55:33,808
Okay, so we just
scouted in here,
1284
00:55:33,939 --> 00:55:35,723
and the colors
are fucking ugly.
1285
00:55:35,854 --> 00:55:38,117
So Silent Bob wants to
shoot the whole movie
1286
00:55:38,247 --> 00:55:40,119
in black and white.
1287
00:55:40,249 --> 00:55:42,904
Schindler's List
black and white?
What, is he nuts?
1288
00:55:43,035 --> 00:55:45,167
Uh, no,
I'm a fucking
filmmaker.
1289
00:55:45,298 --> 00:55:47,169
And any filmmaker
worth their salt
1290
00:55:47,300 --> 00:55:48,606
would know
that the colors
1291
00:55:48,736 --> 00:55:50,303
in this place
are fucking ghastly.
1292
00:55:50,434 --> 00:55:52,218
The only way
you could
deal with them
1293
00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:54,002
is to neutralize
them by going in
black and white,
1294
00:55:54,133 --> 00:55:55,917
which will also
kind of act as
a commentary
1295
00:55:56,048 --> 00:55:58,442
on the soulless
nature of commerce
1296
00:55:58,572 --> 00:56:01,445
while subliminally
giving the audience
the impression
1297
00:56:01,575 --> 00:56:03,621
that they're watching
our heroes
1298
00:56:03,751 --> 00:56:05,144
from the perspective
1299
00:56:05,274 --> 00:56:07,364
of an imaginary
store security cam.
1300
00:56:08,887 --> 00:56:10,410
That's what
I was thinking.Mmm-hmm.
1301
00:56:10,541 --> 00:56:11,759
That's what
an artist thinks.Yup.
1302
00:56:11,890 --> 00:56:13,631
But, you know,
it's up to you.
1303
00:56:13,761 --> 00:56:16,242
However,
I'm shooting it
in black and white,
1304
00:56:16,373 --> 00:56:18,331
or I ain't shooting
it at all,
motherfucker.
1305
00:56:18,462 --> 00:56:19,680
That's right.
1306
00:56:29,211 --> 00:56:31,562
Jesus, he looks fat.
1307
00:56:31,692 --> 00:56:33,433
You're not
on mute, Emma.
1308
00:56:33,564 --> 00:56:36,828
I know. So? Hello.
1309
00:56:36,958 --> 00:56:38,525
Hi, you.
1310
00:56:38,656 --> 00:56:40,701
How's Florida?
1311
00:56:40,832 --> 00:56:42,094
Full of assholes,
but at least
it's not Jersey.
1312
00:56:42,224 --> 00:56:43,878
What do you
want, Dante?
1313
00:56:44,009 --> 00:56:47,012
Okay, uh, this is gonna
come out of left field,
1314
00:56:47,142 --> 00:56:52,017
but, um, I was hoping
I could borrow some money.
1315
00:56:52,147 --> 00:56:53,497
Fuck no.
1316
00:56:53,627 --> 00:56:55,412
It's not for me.
It's for Randal.
1317
00:56:55,542 --> 00:56:58,284
Oh, then double fuck no.
1318
00:56:58,415 --> 00:56:59,938
He had a heart
attack, Emma.
1319
00:57:00,068 --> 00:57:01,635
Good. I hope
he dropped dead.
1320
00:57:02,419 --> 00:57:03,768
He didn't.
1321
00:57:03,898 --> 00:57:05,813
So he needs
the money for, uh...
1322
00:57:05,944 --> 00:57:07,293
for the hospital bills.
1323
00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:08,816
Randal doesn't have
any insurance.
1324
00:57:08,947 --> 00:57:10,688
So the fuck what?
1325
00:57:10,818 --> 00:57:12,951
Even if I wanted to help,
which I don't,
1326
00:57:13,081 --> 00:57:15,519
I'm not giving
Randal Graves
any free money.
1327
00:57:15,649 --> 00:57:17,521
Emma, please.
1328
00:57:17,651 --> 00:57:19,523
You and I once
promised that if
we ever needed help,
1329
00:57:19,653 --> 00:57:21,829
we'd always be there
for each other,
no matter what.
1330
00:57:21,960 --> 00:57:24,571
That was before
you cheated on me
1331
00:57:24,702 --> 00:57:27,052
at a fucking
donkey show.
1332
00:57:27,182 --> 00:57:28,619
Goodbye, Dante!
1333
00:57:28,749 --> 00:57:31,273
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
1334
00:57:31,404 --> 00:57:33,014
Please, Emma.
1335
00:57:34,451 --> 00:57:36,801
I'm desperate here.
1336
00:57:36,931 --> 00:57:38,542
Do you even have
any collateral?
1337
00:57:38,672 --> 00:57:41,327
If I have to...
1338
00:57:41,458 --> 00:57:44,286
I can sign over my
half of the QuickStop
as collateral.
1339
00:57:44,417 --> 00:57:46,071
That shithole? Ugh.
1340
00:57:53,426 --> 00:57:55,863
What's all this about?We're making a movie.
1341
00:57:55,994 --> 00:57:58,779
No shit.
A pornography movie?
1342
00:57:58,910 --> 00:58:01,478
How long does
that take?Twenty-one nights.
1343
00:58:01,608 --> 00:58:03,958
It's gonna take
my auteur friend
here 21 nights
1344
00:58:04,089 --> 00:58:06,352
for him to cinematically
suck his own dick.
1345
00:58:06,483 --> 00:58:07,484
In a row?
1346
00:58:09,224 --> 00:58:11,879
"In Convenience."
I don't get it.
1347
00:58:12,837 --> 00:58:14,621
Scene ten,
take one!
1348
00:58:16,971 --> 00:58:18,103
Cat Wrangler!
1349
00:58:31,986 --> 00:58:33,379
All right,
let's go.
1350
00:58:34,554 --> 00:58:36,034
And...
1351
00:58:36,164 --> 00:58:37,601
action.
1352
00:58:40,125 --> 00:58:41,779
Holy shit.
1353
00:58:41,909 --> 00:58:43,128
We got poop.
1354
00:58:45,478 --> 00:58:47,045
And action.
1355
00:58:47,175 --> 00:58:48,220
Fuck.
1356
00:59:02,669 --> 00:59:05,498
What are you
waitin' for?
Dance!
1357
00:59:05,629 --> 00:59:08,762
I ain't doing this
with all these fuckin'
people watching.
1358
00:59:08,893 --> 00:59:10,590
Oh, my God.
1359
00:59:10,721 --> 00:59:12,026
Cut!
1360
00:59:12,157 --> 00:59:13,593
The talent's
being a little bitch.
1361
00:59:13,724 --> 00:59:15,334
Can you guys wait
in the video store?
1362
00:59:15,464 --> 00:59:17,205
I'll run the camera.
1363
00:59:17,336 --> 00:59:19,556
Unbelievable.
Really?
1364
00:59:27,346 --> 00:59:29,391
There, ya happy?
I cleared the set.
1365
00:59:29,522 --> 00:59:32,220
So fucking
dance, man.
1366
00:59:32,351 --> 00:59:34,309
You fucking dance.
1367
00:59:34,440 --> 00:59:36,094
Bitch.
And...
1368
00:59:36,224 --> 00:59:37,704
action.
1369
00:59:51,675 --> 00:59:53,981
What the fuck,
JoJo Siwa?
1370
00:59:54,112 --> 00:59:56,331
Look at this
fucking guy
looking at us!
1371
00:59:56,462 --> 00:59:59,813
He's not even paying
attention. Gee whiz.
1372
00:59:59,944 --> 01:00:02,599
You have to go
inside, too, cuck.
1373
01:00:02,729 --> 01:00:05,079
Who the fuck's
gonna run the camera?
1374
01:00:05,210 --> 01:00:06,603
Push the button
and walk away.
1375
01:00:06,733 --> 01:00:08,822
Oh, my God.
1376
01:00:08,953 --> 01:00:11,608
All right.
1377
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:24,055
Action.
1378
01:00:24,185 --> 01:00:25,404
I guess.
1379
01:01:04,312 --> 01:01:08,186
♪ You know, it's been
A long, long road
1380
01:01:08,316 --> 01:01:11,015
♪ Since I packed up and left
On my own...
1381
01:01:11,145 --> 01:01:12,669
All right, now,
hold on to
the counter.
1382
01:01:12,799 --> 01:01:14,540
I'm going
to pull, okay?
Here we go.
1383
01:01:14,671 --> 01:01:16,324
Ah...
1384
01:01:16,455 --> 01:01:18,762
♪ Just trying
To get back to her heart
1385
01:01:23,244 --> 01:01:24,637
Action.
1386
01:01:35,604 --> 01:01:38,695
We need some tits
and ass, yeah!
1387
01:01:38,825 --> 01:01:40,914
♪ I sure ain't got no home...
1388
01:01:41,045 --> 01:01:42,611
And cut.
1389
01:01:42,742 --> 01:01:44,613
Ha-ha.
1390
01:01:46,746 --> 01:01:48,705
Nice job,
nice work.
1391
01:01:48,835 --> 01:01:50,402
Um...
1392
01:01:50,532 --> 01:01:51,620
All right,
we're doing
the same shot
1393
01:01:51,751 --> 01:01:53,492
just over to
this door.
1394
01:01:53,622 --> 01:01:56,625
...sound here.
Let's get the
sticks over there.
1395
01:01:56,756 --> 01:01:58,105
Elias, you with us?
1396
01:01:58,236 --> 01:01:59,672
Okay, we're doing
the same thing.
1397
01:01:59,803 --> 01:02:01,021
We're just, kind of,
coming over here.
1398
01:02:01,152 --> 01:02:02,370
We're gonna stay
on the same...
1399
01:02:06,287 --> 01:02:08,594
And... action.
1400
01:02:08,725 --> 01:02:13,207
You know, there are
a million fines
in the world, dude.
1401
01:02:13,338 --> 01:02:15,296
"Millions
of fines"?
What the hell, man?
1402
01:02:15,427 --> 01:02:16,776
That's not
the line.
1403
01:02:16,907 --> 01:02:19,300
"There's a million
fine-looking women
1404
01:02:19,431 --> 01:02:21,215
"in the world,
dude."
1405
01:02:21,346 --> 01:02:25,480
There are a billion
behinds in this
world, dude!
1406
01:02:25,611 --> 01:02:28,701
Whoo!Not "billions
of behinds."
1407
01:02:28,832 --> 01:02:31,617
"A million
fine-looking
women."
1408
01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:35,664
You know, they're
killing swines
in the world, dude.
1409
01:02:35,795 --> 01:02:38,189
Jesus fucking Christ,
you non-acting fuck!
1410
01:02:38,319 --> 01:02:40,191
I will do it myself.
1411
01:02:40,931 --> 01:02:43,194
Ahem!
1412
01:02:43,324 --> 01:02:45,022
You know,
there's a million
fine-looking women
1413
01:02:45,152 --> 01:02:46,937
in the world, dude,
1414
01:02:47,067 --> 01:02:49,113
but they don't
all bring you
lasagna at work.
1415
01:02:49,243 --> 01:02:51,332
Most of them
just cheat on you.
1416
01:02:51,463 --> 01:02:54,161
You All About
Eve -ining fuck.
Well?
1417
01:02:54,292 --> 01:02:56,903
Fasten your seatbelts.
It's gonna be
a bumpy night.
1418
01:02:57,034 --> 01:02:59,036
So that's it.
He doesn't love
you anymore.
1419
01:02:59,166 --> 01:03:00,733
He loves Caitlin.
1420
01:03:00,864 --> 01:03:03,301
And he told
you all this?Pretty much.
1421
01:03:03,431 --> 01:03:05,477
All except the latent
homosexuality but...
1422
01:03:05,607 --> 01:03:06,826
What the fuck,
man?
1423
01:03:06,957 --> 01:03:09,481
We're making
a movie here. Ew!
1424
01:03:09,611 --> 01:03:12,179
It's nothing
compared to how
my cousin Walter died.
1425
01:03:12,310 --> 01:03:14,747
How'd he die?RANDAL: He broke his neck.
1426
01:03:14,878 --> 01:03:16,662
That's embarrassing?
1427
01:03:16,793 --> 01:03:18,664
He broke his neck
trying to suck
his own dick.
1428
01:03:18,795 --> 01:03:20,187
Holy shit, man.
1429
01:03:20,318 --> 01:03:22,363
Is that shit true?RANDAL: Are you nuts?
1430
01:03:22,494 --> 01:03:23,582
Shut the fuck up.
1431
01:03:23,712 --> 01:03:25,105
We're shooting
a scene here.
1432
01:03:40,512 --> 01:03:43,689
♪ I know it's too late now
1433
01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:47,954
♪ But I wish I could
Go back in time
1434
01:03:48,085 --> 01:03:52,002
♪ And start all over somehow
1435
01:03:52,132 --> 01:03:55,527
♪ And get it right
From the start
1436
01:03:55,657 --> 01:03:57,529
♪ Find your way back
1437
01:03:59,531 --> 01:04:01,968
♪ Find your way back
To her heart
1438
01:04:04,928 --> 01:04:06,755
Uh, what the
hell is this?
1439
01:04:06,886 --> 01:04:08,453
The story needs
a little action
1440
01:04:08,583 --> 01:04:10,020
so I added a scene
where Cohee
1441
01:04:10,150 --> 01:04:12,109
comes in to
rob the place
at the end.
1442
01:04:12,239 --> 01:04:14,024
And in the process,
you get shot.
1443
01:04:14,154 --> 01:04:16,809
No way. I'm not letting
you kill me off
in the third act.
1444
01:04:16,940 --> 01:04:18,245
What if there's
a sequel?
1445
01:04:18,376 --> 01:04:20,987
A sequel?
What am I? A hack?
1446
01:04:21,118 --> 01:04:25,252
Cohee, producer
says I gotta cut
your scene, man.
1447
01:04:25,383 --> 01:04:27,385
Yo, I'm still pay
or play, right?
1448
01:04:27,515 --> 01:04:30,127
Publicity? Isn't it
a little early for that?
1449
01:04:30,257 --> 01:04:31,911
I've been
reading the paper
my whole life
1450
01:04:32,042 --> 01:04:33,521
and the only time
I've seen my name in it
1451
01:04:33,652 --> 01:04:35,132
was under
the headline,
1452
01:04:35,262 --> 01:04:37,656
"Local grocer has
massive heart attack."
1453
01:04:37,786 --> 01:04:41,225
So I thought in your
official capacity
as producer,
1454
01:04:41,355 --> 01:04:43,227
maybe you can get
a cub reporter
over here
1455
01:04:43,357 --> 01:04:46,012
to do a story
about your director
in action.
1456
01:04:49,233 --> 01:04:51,104
"I assure you
we're open."
1457
01:04:51,235 --> 01:04:53,019
I don't get it.
1458
01:04:53,150 --> 01:04:55,152
Some savages are
always sticking
gum in the locks,
1459
01:04:55,282 --> 01:04:57,371
so I wrote it
into the script
to be the reason
1460
01:04:57,502 --> 01:04:59,069
the shutters
are closed all day.
1461
01:04:59,199 --> 01:05:00,374
That way,
we can shoot
at night
1462
01:05:00,505 --> 01:05:02,072
and pretend
it's day out.
1463
01:05:02,202 --> 01:05:05,075
I fucking hate
how fake
Hollywood is.
1464
01:05:05,205 --> 01:05:07,860
I don't
appreciate
your ruse, ma'am.
1465
01:05:07,991 --> 01:05:09,688
I beg your pardon.Your ruse.
1466
01:05:09,818 --> 01:05:12,082
Your cunning attempt
to trick me.
1467
01:05:12,212 --> 01:05:14,214
This is the last
time I rent here!
1468
01:05:14,345 --> 01:05:16,216
You will be missed.
1469
01:05:16,347 --> 01:05:17,609
Screw you!
1470
01:05:20,307 --> 01:05:22,614
You're not
allowed to rent
here anymore!
1471
01:05:22,744 --> 01:05:23,876
Yeah!
1472
01:05:24,007 --> 01:05:25,138
And cut.
1473
01:05:29,577 --> 01:05:31,057
Nice work.
1474
01:05:31,188 --> 01:05:32,537
Nice work.
1475
01:05:32,667 --> 01:05:34,539
Okay, now just give
me ten minutes
1476
01:05:34,669 --> 01:05:36,367
and then
I'll be ready
to do mine.
1477
01:05:36,497 --> 01:05:37,585
Your what?
1478
01:05:38,325 --> 01:05:40,937
Wah, Ricky!
1479
01:05:41,067 --> 01:05:43,896
This is
the last time
I rent here!
1480
01:05:48,074 --> 01:05:50,076
I don't get it.
1481
01:05:50,207 --> 01:05:53,340
She wanted to do
one as Lucy.
1482
01:05:53,471 --> 01:05:55,081
Empire had
the better ending.
1483
01:05:55,212 --> 01:05:56,604
I mean, Luke gets
his hand cut off,
1484
01:05:56,735 --> 01:05:58,128
finds out Vader's
his father.
1485
01:05:58,258 --> 01:05:59,738
Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett.
1486
01:05:59,868 --> 01:06:01,522
It ends on such
a down note.
1487
01:06:01,653 --> 01:06:03,960
Cut.What? What happened?
1488
01:06:04,090 --> 01:06:05,352
RANDAL:
"Han gets frozen
1489
01:06:05,483 --> 01:06:07,441
"and taken away
by Boba Fett."
1490
01:06:07,572 --> 01:06:08,921
I said that.
1491
01:06:09,052 --> 01:06:10,531
No, you said,
"Han gets frozen,
1492
01:06:10,662 --> 01:06:12,011
"taken away
by Boba Fett."
1493
01:06:12,142 --> 01:06:13,099
You left out
the "and."
1494
01:06:13,230 --> 01:06:14,535
Do I come in
now, Randal?
1495
01:06:14,666 --> 01:06:17,190
Not yet, Thomas.
Go back out.
1496
01:06:17,321 --> 01:06:19,323
You can blame Dante
for ad-libbing
all over my movie
1497
01:06:19,453 --> 01:06:20,802
like he's Seth
fucking Rogan.
1498
01:06:20,933 --> 01:06:22,804
Oh, my God,
I left out one word.
1499
01:06:22,935 --> 01:06:24,763
Every word is sacred
to the writer.
1500
01:06:24,893 --> 01:06:26,547
This
isn't writing.
1501
01:06:26,678 --> 01:06:27,766
It's a bunch of shit
that happened
for real in my life.
1502
01:06:27,896 --> 01:06:29,202
My life.
1503
01:06:29,333 --> 01:06:30,725
Do I come in
now, Randal?
1504
01:06:30,856 --> 01:06:32,640
Not yet, Thomas.
Back.
1505
01:06:32,771 --> 01:06:35,382
Oh, man,
Thomas fucked
up again?
1506
01:06:35,513 --> 01:06:37,384
Stop fucking
shit up, Thomas.
1507
01:06:37,515 --> 01:06:40,648
Hey, fuck-o.
What'd you say
to my father?
1508
01:06:40,779 --> 01:06:42,041
How about I fuck
your shit up,
1509
01:06:42,172 --> 01:06:42,868
you fucking fuck
hole motherfucker!
1510
01:06:42,999 --> 01:06:44,522
Shooter Bob!
1511
01:06:45,827 --> 01:06:47,438
That is the
Jersey-iest thing
1512
01:06:47,568 --> 01:06:50,484
I've ever heard
or seen in
my life.
1513
01:06:50,615 --> 01:06:52,573
And action.
1514
01:06:53,879 --> 01:06:55,446
That's your lung.
1515
01:06:55,576 --> 01:06:57,970
By this time,
your lung looks
like this.
1516
01:06:59,363 --> 01:07:01,278
So why don't you put
the cigarettes back
1517
01:07:01,408 --> 01:07:03,062
and try some
gum instead?
1518
01:07:03,193 --> 01:07:05,891
Here, Chewlies gum,
try this.
1519
01:07:06,022 --> 01:07:07,893
Oh, my God,
that reeks!
1520
01:07:08,024 --> 01:07:09,895
God!What is that?
1521
01:07:10,026 --> 01:07:12,115
What happened
to the model of
the lung I gave ya?
1522
01:07:12,245 --> 01:07:13,638
I'm a method actor.
1523
01:07:13,768 --> 01:07:15,074
I ditched
the model lung
1524
01:07:15,205 --> 01:07:16,728
for this tripe
I got at Foodtown.
1525
01:07:16,858 --> 01:07:19,687
Jesus.I used my power
of stagecraft
1526
01:07:19,818 --> 01:07:22,516
to see that
stomach as a lung.
It's method!
1527
01:07:22,647 --> 01:07:24,518
And you're
Dante Hicks.
1528
01:07:24,649 --> 01:07:27,173
We went to
the same school.
You played hockey.
1529
01:07:27,304 --> 01:07:28,696
Yeah. How'd you
know that?
1530
01:07:28,827 --> 01:07:30,263
You still going
out with her?
1531
01:07:30,394 --> 01:07:31,656
No, she's
getting married.
1532
01:07:31,786 --> 01:07:33,310
To you?No.
1533
01:07:33,440 --> 01:07:35,181
To an Asian
design major.
1534
01:07:35,312 --> 01:07:37,053
What is...
You know what?
1535
01:07:37,183 --> 01:07:40,317
Cut, cut, cut!
I can't abide
by this racist shit.
1536
01:07:40,447 --> 01:07:42,797
Racist? How the
hell is it racist?
1537
01:07:42,928 --> 01:07:44,886
Just look at all
this fucking
lack of diversity.
1538
01:07:45,017 --> 01:07:49,152
And calling some
guy an Asian
design major
1539
01:07:49,282 --> 01:07:51,110
just feels racist.
1540
01:07:51,241 --> 01:07:55,114
That's not racist.
The guy literally
majored in Asian design.
1541
01:07:55,245 --> 01:07:57,290
Are you sure?
1542
01:07:57,421 --> 01:07:59,814
Wasn't he a, uh, Asian
student who was also
a design major?
1543
01:07:59,945 --> 01:08:03,992
He was a passionate
student of Asian design.
1544
01:08:04,123 --> 01:08:07,735
It just so happens
he himself was
coincidentally Asian.
1545
01:08:10,782 --> 01:08:12,131
Take it easy, man.
1546
01:08:14,351 --> 01:08:16,440
So, uh, where are
we gonna shoot the
donkey show scene?
1547
01:08:16,570 --> 01:08:18,398
Where it happened.
Mooby's.
1548
01:08:18,529 --> 01:08:20,008
Our Mooby's?Yeah.
1549
01:08:20,139 --> 01:08:21,836
How are we supposed
to get in?
1550
01:08:21,967 --> 01:08:24,622
I got the locations
department
working on it.
1551
01:08:24,752 --> 01:08:27,581
It's stuck in my hair.
1552
01:08:27,712 --> 01:08:30,367
Shit. Can you
get it?
1553
01:08:30,497 --> 01:08:33,848
Ugh. I hate wearing
the Mooby suit, man.
1554
01:08:40,942 --> 01:08:43,945
♪ I'm just trying to see
Miss Sally walk
1555
01:08:44,076 --> 01:08:46,861
♪ In a simple baddest
On the block
1556
01:08:46,992 --> 01:08:50,082
♪ I just wanna see
Miss Sally Double Dutch
1557
01:08:50,213 --> 01:08:52,084
♪ I just wanna see
Miss Sally fuck it up
1558
01:08:52,215 --> 01:08:53,738
♪ Fuck it up
1559
01:08:53,868 --> 01:08:56,523
♪ Eenie-meenie-miney-mo
1560
01:08:56,654 --> 01:08:58,743
♪ Yo girl say she tryna go
1561
01:08:58,873 --> 01:09:00,136
♪ Red light, green light
1562
01:09:00,266 --> 01:09:01,920
♪ Now you can't find yo ho
1563
01:09:02,050 --> 01:09:03,095
♪ Freeze tag, this froze
1564
01:09:03,226 --> 01:09:05,228
♪ Took her to the jewelry store
1565
01:09:05,358 --> 01:09:07,621
♪ Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
1566
01:09:07,752 --> 01:09:10,450
♪ Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
1567
01:09:10,581 --> 01:09:12,365
♪ Miss Sally walk...
1568
01:09:12,496 --> 01:09:14,585
Come on, boys.
Let's go!
1569
01:09:14,715 --> 01:09:16,674
♪ I just wanna see
Miss Sally walk
1570
01:09:16,804 --> 01:09:20,112
♪ Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
1571
01:09:20,243 --> 01:09:21,853
♪ Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
1572
01:09:24,029 --> 01:09:26,727
♪ I just wanna see
Miss Sally walk
1573
01:09:35,997 --> 01:09:36,998
No.
1574
01:09:39,349 --> 01:09:42,003
No what?No, I... I can't
go inside.
1575
01:09:42,134 --> 01:09:43,483
Of course, you can.
1576
01:09:43,614 --> 01:09:45,572
Becks, I can't.
1577
01:09:45,703 --> 01:09:48,967
We had the best
times of our lives
in that place.
1578
01:09:49,097 --> 01:09:51,665
Until one of our
lives ended.
1579
01:09:51,796 --> 01:09:53,624
It's just
a building, Hicks.
1580
01:09:53,754 --> 01:09:56,888
It's just a building
I haven't been
inside since...
1581
01:09:59,107 --> 01:10:00,544
Since you...
1582
01:10:00,674 --> 01:10:02,807
I know. I'm sorry.
1583
01:10:04,765 --> 01:10:06,114
Just turn the page.
1584
01:10:07,246 --> 01:10:08,552
You can do this,
babes.
1585
01:10:09,509 --> 01:10:11,642
No.
1586
01:10:12,425 --> 01:10:13,644
Don't go.
1587
01:10:29,442 --> 01:10:31,401
Uh, Randal.
This is Lisa
1588
01:10:31,531 --> 01:10:34,404
and her daughter...
Lisa.
1589
01:10:34,534 --> 01:10:36,144
Uh, Lisa goes
to high school
1590
01:10:36,275 --> 01:10:38,277
at Henry
Hudson Regional.Oh.
1591
01:10:38,408 --> 01:10:41,324
And this is my husband,
Lando, who can
go straight to hell.
1592
01:10:41,454 --> 01:10:42,890
I'm so mad at you.
1593
01:10:43,021 --> 01:10:44,849
Don't say a damn word
the whole night.
1594
01:10:44,979 --> 01:10:47,373
Don't even
think words!RANDAL: Uh...
1595
01:10:47,504 --> 01:10:48,896
We're gonna shoot
a movie in a minute
1596
01:10:49,027 --> 01:10:50,420
so I gotta
chase you guys
1597
01:10:50,550 --> 01:10:51,725
out of here.LISA: Oh, okay, my bad.
1598
01:10:51,856 --> 01:10:53,249
I guess you
don't want press
1599
01:10:53,379 --> 01:10:54,162
for your little
YouTube video, then.
1600
01:10:54,293 --> 01:10:55,468
Did you say press?
1601
01:10:55,599 --> 01:10:57,035
Mr. Dante
asked them
1602
01:10:57,165 --> 01:10:58,297
to come here
to cover the shoot.
1603
01:10:58,428 --> 01:11:00,473
So you're saying
little Lisa is...
1604
01:11:00,604 --> 01:11:03,215
Ah! High School Lisa.
1605
01:11:03,346 --> 01:11:04,695
Don't call her
little Lisa
1606
01:11:04,825 --> 01:11:06,523
and you better not
call me big Lisa.
1607
01:11:06,653 --> 01:11:10,135
High School Lisa
writes for the high
school newspaper?
1608
01:11:10,266 --> 01:11:12,093
And her parents
are the chaperones.
1609
01:11:12,224 --> 01:11:13,921
Fucking great.
1610
01:11:14,052 --> 01:11:15,053
Even though
one parent
just came out
1611
01:11:15,183 --> 01:11:16,924
of the strip club tonight
1612
01:11:17,055 --> 01:11:19,753
spending all my $5 bills
that I got at bingo. Bitch.
1613
01:11:22,278 --> 01:11:24,628
Hey! The producer's
on set.
1614
01:11:24,758 --> 01:11:27,935
So lights! Camera!
1615
01:11:28,066 --> 01:11:29,763
Action!
1616
01:11:29,894 --> 01:11:31,765
He looks drunk.
1617
01:11:31,896 --> 01:11:33,550
He looks like
he needs a piece
of butter and bread.
1618
01:11:37,031 --> 01:11:38,511
Ooh, it's cold in here.
1619
01:11:38,642 --> 01:11:40,600
Cough cold... Hey!
1620
01:11:40,731 --> 01:11:42,254
All right, look,
1621
01:11:42,385 --> 01:11:44,604
I realize going to Mooby's
might have hit you hard
1622
01:11:44,735 --> 01:11:46,171
but you just take off?
1623
01:11:46,302 --> 01:11:48,347
We couldn't even shoot
the donkey show!
1624
01:11:48,478 --> 01:11:49,696
Oh, big deal.
1625
01:11:49,827 --> 01:11:51,742
What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?
1626
01:11:51,872 --> 01:11:55,267
Try thinking of somebody
other than yourself for once.
1627
01:11:55,398 --> 01:11:57,051
Myself?Okay.
1628
01:11:57,182 --> 01:11:58,749
We're gonna
shoot this scene
1629
01:11:58,879 --> 01:12:00,533
because the kid from
the high school newspaper
1630
01:12:00,664 --> 01:12:02,405
and her mom
are waiting.
1631
01:12:02,535 --> 01:12:04,711
Thanks for understanding
the assignment on that one.
1632
01:12:04,842 --> 01:12:06,757
But since you
showed up here
shit-faced
1633
01:12:06,887 --> 01:12:09,455
and ruined tonight
before we even had
a chance to roll,
1634
01:12:09,586 --> 01:12:11,805
we're gonna
re-shoot this tomorrow.
1635
01:12:11,936 --> 01:12:14,634
So get your selfish ass
out there on that cooler
1636
01:12:14,765 --> 01:12:16,157
and let's pretend
for a minute
1637
01:12:16,288 --> 01:12:18,551
you've actually
been helpful
on my movie,
1638
01:12:18,682 --> 01:12:20,031
which is, like,
the only thing
1639
01:12:20,161 --> 01:12:21,946
I ever asked you
to do for me
1640
01:12:22,076 --> 01:12:23,991
and only after I almost
dropped dead
1641
01:12:24,122 --> 01:12:26,603
from a fucking
heart attack.
1642
01:12:26,733 --> 01:12:28,866
You're fucking
unbelievable, man.
1643
01:12:28,996 --> 01:12:30,346
Come on!
1644
01:12:38,919 --> 01:12:39,877
What...
1645
01:12:42,009 --> 01:12:43,794
In Convenience.
1646
01:12:43,924 --> 01:12:45,535
Stupid title.
1647
01:12:45,665 --> 01:12:48,407
Scene 137.
Take one.
1648
01:12:48,538 --> 01:12:50,409
Are they shooting this
in black and white?
1649
01:12:50,540 --> 01:12:53,020
I see a lot of white.
I don't see the black.
1650
01:12:53,151 --> 01:12:55,414
And action.
1651
01:12:55,545 --> 01:12:58,243
♪ Da-dum, da-dum...
1652
01:12:58,374 --> 01:13:00,201
♪ Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum
1653
01:13:02,552 --> 01:13:04,510
Salsa shark!
1654
01:13:04,641 --> 01:13:05,990
We're gonna need
a bigger boat.
1655
01:13:08,035 --> 01:13:11,256
Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa.
1656
01:13:11,387 --> 01:13:13,824
Shark's in the salsa.
Our shark.
1657
01:13:15,826 --> 01:13:17,697
Oh, what?
What's with you, man?
1658
01:13:17,828 --> 01:13:19,438
You haven't said
anything in,
like, 20 minutes.
1659
01:13:19,569 --> 01:13:21,005
What the hell's
your problem?
1660
01:13:21,135 --> 01:13:22,398
This life.
1661
01:13:22,528 --> 01:13:24,748
This life?
1662
01:13:24,878 --> 01:13:27,707
I'm stuck in this pit
on my day off,
1663
01:13:27,838 --> 01:13:31,494
dealing with every backward
ass fuck on the planet.
1664
01:13:31,624 --> 01:13:33,539
I smell like
shoe polish,
1665
01:13:33,670 --> 01:13:36,194
and my girlfriend
sucked 36 dicks.
1666
01:13:36,324 --> 01:13:37,456
Thirty-seven.LISA: Oh!
1667
01:13:37,587 --> 01:13:39,197
Cover your ears,
baby girl.
1668
01:13:39,327 --> 01:13:40,894
Why the fuck
are they cursing
like that?
1669
01:13:41,025 --> 01:13:43,244
You need to shit
or get off the pot.
1670
01:13:43,375 --> 01:13:44,942
What the hell
are you talking about?
1671
01:13:45,072 --> 01:13:46,639
I'm talking about
this thing you have,
1672
01:13:46,770 --> 01:13:48,815
this inability
to improve your
station in life.
1673
01:13:48,946 --> 01:13:50,034
Fuck you.
1674
01:13:50,164 --> 01:13:51,992
It's true, man.
1675
01:13:52,123 --> 01:13:54,212
You sit there and
blame life for dealin'
ya a cruddy hand,
1676
01:13:54,342 --> 01:13:56,127
never once
accepting
responsibility
1677
01:13:56,257 --> 01:13:58,042
for the way your
situation is.
1678
01:13:58,172 --> 01:14:00,305
You better leave me
the fuck alone, man.
1679
01:14:00,436 --> 01:14:02,002
It's because
you're comfortable,
right?
1680
01:14:02,133 --> 01:14:03,569
This is the life of
convenience for you
1681
01:14:03,700 --> 01:14:05,615
and any attempt
to change it
would shatter
1682
01:14:05,745 --> 01:14:07,791
the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned
for yourself.
1683
01:14:07,921 --> 01:14:09,357
What?
1684
01:14:09,488 --> 01:14:10,924
Man, if you
weren't such
a fucking coward.
1685
01:14:11,055 --> 01:14:13,187
Oh, would you
shut the fuck up?
1686
01:14:14,798 --> 01:14:17,061
That's not
the line, man.
1687
01:14:17,191 --> 01:14:19,150
What are you doing?My whole life
1688
01:14:19,280 --> 01:14:21,413
you've been running
your mouth a million
miles an hour
1689
01:14:21,544 --> 01:14:23,241
and saying
absolutely nothing!
1690
01:14:25,069 --> 01:14:26,462
I gotta listen
to you talk shit
1691
01:14:26,592 --> 01:14:28,725
about everybody
and everything
you think
1692
01:14:28,855 --> 01:14:31,510
as if the world's waiting
for you to weigh in!
1693
01:14:31,641 --> 01:14:33,947
Nobody fuckin' cares.
1694
01:14:34,078 --> 01:14:35,601
Oh, real nice, pal.
1695
01:14:35,732 --> 01:14:37,124
Get me all worked up
because it's not like
1696
01:14:37,255 --> 01:14:38,735
I had a heart attack
and almost...
1697
01:14:38,865 --> 01:14:42,347
Died! "I almost died
from a heart attack!
1698
01:14:42,478 --> 01:14:45,045
"Did I not mention
that a couple of
thousand times yet?"
1699
01:14:45,176 --> 01:14:48,048
Fuck you."Hey, everybody,
look at me.
1700
01:14:48,179 --> 01:14:49,441
"I'm the boy who lived."
1701
01:14:50,834 --> 01:14:52,662
"So I gotta
make a movie
1702
01:14:52,792 --> 01:14:54,533
"all about what
a relentless fucking
asshole I am
1703
01:14:54,664 --> 01:14:56,100
"to everybody
I ever met,
1704
01:14:56,230 --> 01:14:58,711
"especially my so-called
fucking friends."
1705
01:14:58,842 --> 01:15:00,452
Oh, we're not friends
anymore, man.
1706
01:15:00,583 --> 01:15:01,975
You can fucking
believe that shit.
1707
01:15:02,106 --> 01:15:03,368
Oh, good!Yeah.
1708
01:15:03,499 --> 01:15:05,413
Because if we're
not friends,
1709
01:15:05,544 --> 01:15:08,155
I don't have to worry
anymore what
the cold, hard truth
1710
01:15:08,286 --> 01:15:10,244
might do to your poor,
wittle heart!
1711
01:15:10,375 --> 01:15:12,899
Oh, don't worry
about me, pal,
I'll be just fine.
1712
01:15:13,030 --> 01:15:14,248
So since I can
be completely
1713
01:15:14,379 --> 01:15:15,598
honest with you?Oh, please,
1714
01:15:15,728 --> 01:15:17,295
be completely honest.
1715
01:15:19,471 --> 01:15:21,908
You think you
deserve a movie?
1716
01:15:22,039 --> 01:15:23,736
Yeah.
1717
01:15:23,867 --> 01:15:27,087
What did you
ever do in life
but watch it
1718
01:15:27,218 --> 01:15:28,785
and mock it?
1719
01:15:28,915 --> 01:15:31,135
What have you ever
fucking done?
1720
01:15:31,265 --> 01:15:32,702
I had a life.
1721
01:15:34,747 --> 01:15:36,967
I was this close
to happily ever after
1722
01:15:37,097 --> 01:15:40,536
and then, one drunk
driver later...
1723
01:15:41,972 --> 01:15:43,147
my movie's over.
1724
01:15:44,017 --> 01:15:45,105
Forever.
1725
01:15:46,846 --> 01:15:48,413
No happy ending,
1726
01:15:48,544 --> 01:15:50,589
no sequel.
1727
01:15:50,720 --> 01:15:52,765
Not even a third
fucking act,
1728
01:15:52,896 --> 01:15:55,942
just, "Fuck you!
And, oh, by the way,
1729
01:15:56,073 --> 01:15:59,032
"fuck you!" Credits.
1730
01:16:00,991 --> 01:16:02,122
But, hey...
1731
01:16:03,428 --> 01:16:05,648
What's that compared
to a heart attack?
1732
01:16:05,778 --> 01:16:07,998
I mean, shit!
1733
01:16:08,128 --> 01:16:10,391
You could have
almost died, right?
1734
01:16:10,522 --> 01:16:12,002
Yeah.
1735
01:16:12,132 --> 01:16:13,786
Well, some of us
did die.
1736
01:16:16,789 --> 01:16:19,836
Some of us have
been dead inside
ever since.
1737
01:16:19,966 --> 01:16:23,361
But then, just when
I'm able to walk
into this place
1738
01:16:23,491 --> 01:16:27,365
without wanting to
kill myself every day,
you have an idea.
1739
01:16:28,845 --> 01:16:30,803
You wanna make a movie
about your life.
1740
01:16:30,934 --> 01:16:33,545
Oh, and you...
you've been very
clear about that.
1741
01:16:34,502 --> 01:16:35,721
It's your life!
1742
01:16:37,680 --> 01:16:40,726
Well, get this,
you self-centered,
1743
01:16:40,857 --> 01:16:42,293
gaping wound
of a human being
1744
01:16:42,423 --> 01:16:44,556
with your insatiable
fucking ego!
1745
01:16:44,687 --> 01:16:46,384
The fuck?
1746
01:16:46,514 --> 01:16:47,646
Your life...
1747
01:16:48,995 --> 01:16:50,344
is my life!
1748
01:16:52,085 --> 01:16:55,045
I've been
there with you
the whole time!
1749
01:16:57,700 --> 01:17:00,703
And since you know
how hard that life's
been on me,
1750
01:17:01,878 --> 01:17:04,489
did it ever
occur to you
1751
01:17:04,620 --> 01:17:07,840
that maybe I didn't wanna
relive that fucking life?
1752
01:17:10,713 --> 01:17:11,714
So, I quit...
1753
01:17:12,715 --> 01:17:14,107
as your producer.
1754
01:17:16,066 --> 01:17:17,458
And I quit...
1755
01:17:19,025 --> 01:17:20,853
as your fucking friend.
1756
01:17:24,596 --> 01:17:26,772
'Cause I'm not
even supposed to...
1757
01:17:31,603 --> 01:17:33,953
Now that's what
I call acting!
1758
01:17:34,084 --> 01:17:36,913
Come on, everybody,
clap it up for that.
1759
01:17:37,043 --> 01:17:39,611
Okay, Drinkie-Mc-Stinky,
get up.
1760
01:17:41,918 --> 01:17:42,962
Dante?
1761
01:17:44,137 --> 01:17:45,138
Hey.
1762
01:17:45,965 --> 01:17:49,577
Hey. Hey! Dante!
1763
01:17:49,708 --> 01:17:51,014
Wake up, man. Hey!
1764
01:17:51,144 --> 01:17:52,537
Call an ambulance!
1765
01:17:52,668 --> 01:17:54,974
Wake up, man.
Dante. Dante!
1766
01:17:58,804 --> 01:18:00,806
Dante? Um...
1767
01:18:00,937 --> 01:18:02,503
Excuse me. We're...What the...
1768
01:18:02,634 --> 01:18:03,853
No, you can't be
back here.Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1769
01:18:03,983 --> 01:18:06,246
All right,
already. God.
1770
01:18:06,377 --> 01:18:07,552
They just brought
our friend in.
1771
01:18:07,683 --> 01:18:09,510
His name
is Dante Hicks.
1772
01:18:09,641 --> 01:18:11,121
He's the drunk guy
that collapsed
at the QuickStop.
1773
01:18:11,251 --> 01:18:12,818
Uh-huh.The first
responder said
1774
01:18:12,949 --> 01:18:14,211
he's having
a heart attack.Okay, okay.
1775
01:18:14,341 --> 01:18:15,516
You need to wait
out there, sir.
1776
01:18:15,647 --> 01:18:16,735
Someone will be by
to tell you more
1777
01:18:16,866 --> 01:18:18,084
as soon as
we know more.
1778
01:18:19,912 --> 01:18:20,870
Thank you.
1779
01:18:23,699 --> 01:18:26,223
This is where
I first rejected Jesus.
1780
01:18:26,353 --> 01:18:29,356
Yeah, and now look
what's happened.
1781
01:18:29,487 --> 01:18:30,880
So weird to be
back here.
1782
01:18:31,010 --> 01:18:33,273
Yeah, tell me
about it.
1783
01:18:33,404 --> 01:18:35,754
All right, look.
I'm gonna get
out of here.
1784
01:18:35,885 --> 01:18:38,061
Call me as soon
as they say something,
all right?
1785
01:18:38,191 --> 01:18:39,715
Wait, what?
Where are you going?
1786
01:18:39,845 --> 01:18:42,369
I'm gonna go work
on my movie, man.
1787
01:18:42,500 --> 01:18:43,675
Your movie?
1788
01:18:43,806 --> 01:18:45,546
Yeah, I mean,
it's almost done.
1789
01:18:45,677 --> 01:18:47,374
It's not like I'm doing
Dante any good
sitting around here.
1790
01:18:47,505 --> 01:18:49,507
I might as well
go work on my movie.
1791
01:18:49,637 --> 01:18:51,770
Are you kidding me?
Even now?
1792
01:18:51,901 --> 01:18:53,859
"Even now" what?
1793
01:18:53,990 --> 01:18:55,382
"Oh, my movie.
1794
01:18:55,513 --> 01:18:57,558
"My movie!
Everybody make
my movie
1795
01:18:57,689 --> 01:18:59,386
"because it's
so important."
1796
01:18:59,517 --> 01:19:01,562
This is neither
the time nor the place
1797
01:19:01,693 --> 01:19:03,390
to do an impression
of Chris Nolan.
1798
01:19:03,521 --> 01:19:05,392
I'm doing
an impression
of you, Randal.
1799
01:19:05,523 --> 01:19:06,959
We're in
the hospital.
1800
01:19:07,090 --> 01:19:09,048
That's stating
the obvious.No.
1801
01:19:09,179 --> 01:19:11,094
The obvious statement
right now would be,
1802
01:19:11,224 --> 01:19:12,617
"Never mind the movie,
1803
01:19:12,748 --> 01:19:14,271
"my best friend's
in the hospital."
1804
01:19:14,401 --> 01:19:18,101
It's just a heart attack.
I had one. He'll be fine.
1805
01:19:18,231 --> 01:19:20,190
Fuck you, Randal.
1806
01:19:20,320 --> 01:19:21,626
Fuck you.
1807
01:19:21,757 --> 01:19:23,497
Come on.God, man.
1808
01:19:23,628 --> 01:19:25,630
I used to look up
to you so much
1809
01:19:25,761 --> 01:19:27,980
but you're the worst,
you know that?
1810
01:19:28,111 --> 01:19:29,460
The worst
in the world.
1811
01:19:29,590 --> 01:19:32,637
Mr. Dante made
your movie happen.
1812
01:19:32,768 --> 01:19:34,944
I made my
movie happen.
1813
01:19:35,074 --> 01:19:37,381
I had the idea
to make the movie.
1814
01:19:37,511 --> 01:19:38,774
I wrote the script
1815
01:19:38,904 --> 01:19:40,601
and I'm the
goddamn director.
1816
01:19:40,732 --> 01:19:42,473
I made this
movie happen.
1817
01:19:42,603 --> 01:19:44,257
It was all me.
1818
01:19:44,388 --> 01:19:47,043
Oh, it was
all you, huh?Yeah.
1819
01:19:47,173 --> 01:19:48,305
Okay.
1820
01:19:49,697 --> 01:19:51,612
Take off your stupid
mask, Randal.
1821
01:19:52,396 --> 01:19:54,180
Yeah.
1822
01:19:54,311 --> 01:19:56,617
Because I remember
Mr. Dante
doing everything.
1823
01:19:56,748 --> 01:20:00,273
He even called
his ex-fiancee
who hates his guts.
1824
01:20:00,404 --> 01:20:03,146
He put up his half
of QuickStop
1825
01:20:03,276 --> 01:20:05,931
just to get you
the money to make
your stupid movie.
1826
01:20:06,062 --> 01:20:07,541
Wait a minute.
1827
01:20:07,672 --> 01:20:09,761
Dante got the money
for my movie from Emma?
1828
01:20:09,892 --> 01:20:11,328
Code Blue. ER 7.
1829
01:20:11,458 --> 01:20:13,373
Dante, I didn't know
about Emma.
1830
01:20:13,504 --> 01:20:14,810
I just found out.You again?
What did I say?
1831
01:20:14,940 --> 01:20:16,028
I didn't know.What did I say, huh?
1832
01:20:16,159 --> 01:20:17,421
Security!Is he okay?
1833
01:20:17,551 --> 01:20:18,726
Get out of here,
man. Get out!
1834
01:20:18,857 --> 01:20:21,207
Is he okay?Get out! Security!
1835
01:20:21,338 --> 01:20:23,209
All right.
Get off of me!
1836
01:20:24,863 --> 01:20:26,517
Randal, where
are you going?
1837
01:20:28,388 --> 01:20:31,435
♪ Skip amongst
The telephone lines
1838
01:20:33,611 --> 01:20:36,309
♪ Catch a frequency
To pass the time
1839
01:20:38,834 --> 01:20:42,533
♪ Anything's better
Than New Jersey
1840
01:20:43,882 --> 01:20:47,016
♪ Living along the turnpike
1841
01:20:51,716 --> 01:20:53,849
♪ Headed home
1842
01:20:53,979 --> 01:20:55,198
Fuck!
1843
01:20:55,328 --> 01:20:57,156
♪ With the smell of smoke
1844
01:20:57,287 --> 01:21:00,464
♪ We ran out of things
To say
1845
01:21:02,335 --> 01:21:04,642
♪ So let it unfold
1846
01:21:04,772 --> 01:21:07,558
♪ We pumped the tires full
1847
01:21:07,688 --> 01:21:12,824
♪ All our favorite songs
Were shitty anyway
1848
01:21:12,955 --> 01:21:16,349
♪ Anything's better
Than New Jersey
1849
01:21:18,134 --> 01:21:21,659
♪ Skip amongst
The telephone lines
1850
01:21:23,400 --> 01:21:27,056
♪ Anything's better
Than New Jersey
1851
01:21:28,492 --> 01:21:31,495
♪ Living along the turnpike
1852
01:21:44,377 --> 01:21:47,598
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1853
01:21:47,728 --> 01:21:49,600
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1854
01:21:49,730 --> 01:21:52,646
♪ I gave up everything
To leave
1855
01:21:52,777 --> 01:21:55,084
♪ I gave up everything
To leave
1856
01:21:55,214 --> 01:21:57,869
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1857
01:21:58,000 --> 01:21:59,740
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1858
01:21:59,871 --> 01:22:02,830
♪ I gave up everything
To leave
1859
01:22:04,571 --> 01:22:06,573
I think it needs
more weed.Hmm.
1860
01:22:06,704 --> 01:22:08,010
God. Hey...
1861
01:22:08,140 --> 01:22:09,620
I need your help
with Dante.
1862
01:22:12,797 --> 01:22:14,016
Who's Dante?
1863
01:22:14,146 --> 01:22:17,497
The fuck do
you mean? Dante.
1864
01:22:17,628 --> 01:22:20,631
The other guy,
the guy in the QuickStop
who's not me?
1865
01:22:20,761 --> 01:22:22,459
Wait, I thought
his name was Sergio.
1866
01:22:22,589 --> 01:22:25,375
Ain't his name Sergio?It's fucking Dante.
1867
01:22:25,505 --> 01:22:27,507
Are you gonna
help me or not?
1868
01:22:27,638 --> 01:22:30,162
Anything for
our boy Sergio.
1869
01:22:30,293 --> 01:22:33,600
I need to sneak
into the hospital
to get to Sergio,
1870
01:22:33,731 --> 01:22:37,735
so I want you guys
to create a very
subtle distraction.
1871
01:22:37,865 --> 01:22:41,391
I took a poo
in the ICU!
1872
01:22:41,521 --> 01:22:42,870
I took a...
Oh, shit!
1873
01:22:43,001 --> 01:22:44,698
Hey! Hey!
1874
01:22:46,091 --> 01:22:48,659
♪ Give up everything to leave
1875
01:22:48,789 --> 01:22:52,141
♪ Anything's better
Than New Jersey
1876
01:22:52,271 --> 01:22:54,143
♪ I'd give anything
To go home
1877
01:23:04,066 --> 01:23:05,328
Dante?
1878
01:23:14,250 --> 01:23:16,513
Hey, man.
1879
01:23:16,643 --> 01:23:19,777
I figure, since
you're just
laying around here...
1880
01:23:19,907 --> 01:23:21,822
you little heart
attack copycat.
1881
01:23:23,694 --> 01:23:26,305
You got time to watch
our first movie.
1882
01:23:28,307 --> 01:23:29,743
Huh?
1883
01:23:43,888 --> 01:23:45,368
You're gonna see
I was way off
1884
01:23:45,498 --> 01:23:48,371
with that stupid shit
I said at the store.
1885
01:23:48,501 --> 01:23:53,028
I never... never would
have made this
movie without you.
1886
01:23:55,813 --> 01:23:57,815
I never could do
anything without you.
1887
01:24:03,995 --> 01:24:06,258
I'm here, man.
I'm here.
1888
01:24:06,389 --> 01:24:08,043
Let's watch the movie.
1889
01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:44,383
This is the way
I see you.
1890
01:24:44,514 --> 01:24:47,778
You're the main character
in my Star Wars.
1891
01:24:47,908 --> 01:24:49,997
You're not the Dak.
1892
01:24:50,128 --> 01:24:53,131
You've always
been the Luke.
1893
01:24:53,262 --> 01:24:55,438
You're
the hero of my movie, too.
1894
01:24:57,527 --> 01:24:59,877
You've always been
my hero, Dante.
1895
01:25:00,007 --> 01:25:04,186
♪ The water is wide
1896
01:25:04,316 --> 01:25:07,276
♪ I can't get over
1897
01:25:08,799 --> 01:25:12,977
♪ Neither have I
1898
01:25:13,108 --> 01:25:17,503
♪ The wings to fly
1899
01:25:17,634 --> 01:25:21,855
♪ So go and get
1900
01:25:21,986 --> 01:25:24,858
♪ Me to a boat
1901
01:25:26,382 --> 01:25:29,428
♪ To carry both
1902
01:25:30,516 --> 01:25:34,825
♪ My love and I
1903
01:26:09,860 --> 01:26:11,688
♪ There is a ship
1904
01:26:14,299 --> 01:26:17,389
♪ Out on the sea
1905
01:26:18,695 --> 01:26:22,916
♪ And loaded deep
1906
01:26:23,047 --> 01:26:26,006
♪ As it can be
1907
01:26:27,660 --> 01:26:31,708
♪ But not as deep
1908
01:26:31,838 --> 01:26:35,015
♪ As love am I
1909
01:26:35,146 --> 01:26:36,234
Let's go.
1910
01:26:36,365 --> 01:26:37,583
♪ Don't care if I
1911
01:26:37,714 --> 01:26:39,324
Yeah?Yeah.
1912
01:26:40,586 --> 01:26:42,719
♪ Should live or die...
1913
01:26:45,765 --> 01:26:47,289
That was the best
movie I ever saw.
1914
01:26:48,638 --> 01:26:49,726
But it's not over.
1915
01:26:50,901 --> 01:26:52,381
Don't you wanna
see how it ends?
1916
01:26:53,295 --> 01:26:54,687
I trust the director.
1917
01:26:56,167 --> 01:26:58,604
He wasn't just
my favorite filmmaker...
1918
01:26:58,735 --> 01:27:02,434
♪ The wings to fly
1919
01:27:03,740 --> 01:27:05,220
He was my best friend.
1920
01:27:07,352 --> 01:27:10,137
♪ Me to a boat
1921
01:27:11,400 --> 01:27:14,185
♪ To carry both
1922
01:27:15,795 --> 01:27:19,886
♪ My love and I
1923
01:27:20,017 --> 01:27:23,238
♪ To carry both
1924
01:27:24,500 --> 01:27:28,765
♪ My love and I
1925
01:27:35,032 --> 01:27:37,034
What's goin' on?
1926
01:27:38,078 --> 01:27:39,471
You okay? Hey.
1927
01:27:39,602 --> 01:27:41,734
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!
1928
01:27:41,865 --> 01:27:44,084
Don't fucking
leave me, man.
1929
01:27:44,215 --> 01:27:46,173
Don't leave me!
1930
01:27:46,304 --> 01:27:48,654
Oh, shit. Help!
1931
01:28:01,232 --> 01:28:03,190
And that's when
the good thief said,
1932
01:28:03,321 --> 01:28:07,107
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are
but thieves."
1933
01:28:08,805 --> 01:28:10,415
What the fuck
are butt thieves?
1934
01:28:10,546 --> 01:28:11,808
I don't know
if any of you
know this
1935
01:28:11,938 --> 01:28:15,464
but I'm
a Satanist now.
1936
01:28:15,594 --> 01:28:17,944
And while I may be
the devil's concubine,
1937
01:28:18,989 --> 01:28:20,817
I still believe
in heaven.
1938
01:28:20,947 --> 01:28:22,949
And because
Mr. Dante
1939
01:28:23,080 --> 01:28:25,648
was the best person
that I ever knew,
1940
01:28:25,778 --> 01:28:27,345
I believe
he's in heaven
right now,
1941
01:28:28,651 --> 01:28:30,087
just like
the good thief.
1942
01:28:32,481 --> 01:28:33,743
Dante's Inferno.
1943
01:28:35,092 --> 01:28:36,093
No.
1944
01:28:37,094 --> 01:28:38,574
Dante's Paradiso!
1945
01:28:39,966 --> 01:28:40,967
Si.
1946
01:29:00,073 --> 01:29:01,684
Grazie, Elias.
1947
01:29:05,557 --> 01:29:09,735
I, uh...
1948
01:29:09,866 --> 01:29:13,130
I thought a lot about
what to say here today.
1949
01:29:13,260 --> 01:29:14,784
I was gonna pull
from the eulogy
1950
01:29:14,914 --> 01:29:18,222
that Kirk gave Spock
in The Wrath of Khan,
1951
01:29:18,353 --> 01:29:20,224
but I've always
been more of
a Star Wars fan
1952
01:29:20,355 --> 01:29:22,661
so I should say
something like,
1953
01:29:22,792 --> 01:29:26,535
"May the Force be with you"
or "This is the Way."
1954
01:29:28,058 --> 01:29:29,625
But I think instead
of quoting a movie,
1955
01:29:29,755 --> 01:29:32,628
I'd like to paraphrase
the departed.
1956
01:29:32,758 --> 01:29:34,891
And by the departed,
I mean Dante Hicks,
1957
01:29:35,021 --> 01:29:37,633
not the Scorsese picture
that was pretty perfect
1958
01:29:37,763 --> 01:29:40,287
right up until that
stupid shot of the rat
at the end.
1959
01:29:42,855 --> 01:29:45,597
So in the words...
1960
01:29:45,728 --> 01:29:47,643
...of the best guy
I ever knew...
1961
01:29:51,124 --> 01:29:53,997
"You're not
even supposed
to be here today."
1962
01:29:54,127 --> 01:29:57,957
♪ Nothing you would take
1963
01:29:58,088 --> 01:30:03,049
♪ Everything you gave
1964
01:30:03,180 --> 01:30:06,836
♪ Hold me 'til I die
1965
01:30:06,966 --> 01:30:11,667
♪ Meet you on the other side
1966
01:30:16,149 --> 01:30:17,629
Come on in here,
you little butt thief,
1967
01:30:17,760 --> 01:30:20,763
and assume your
new position.
1968
01:30:20,893 --> 01:30:22,721
But this was
Mr. Dante's spot.
1969
01:30:22,852 --> 01:30:24,549
Yeah, well,
after all this time
1970
01:30:24,680 --> 01:30:27,247
of being my biggest
and only fanboy,
1971
01:30:27,378 --> 01:30:29,293
I'd say you
earned it.
1972
01:30:29,424 --> 01:30:30,816
Besides, I told you
way back when
we worked at Mooby's
1973
01:30:30,947 --> 01:30:32,339
when Dante is gone,
1974
01:30:32,470 --> 01:30:33,776
you're gonna be
my new best friend.
1975
01:30:34,994 --> 01:30:36,692
No, I'm not.
1976
01:30:36,822 --> 01:30:38,171
Who the fuck
else am I gonna
hang out with?
1977
01:30:38,302 --> 01:30:39,390
It's you and
me, buddy.
1978
01:30:41,740 --> 01:30:43,742
Oh, fuck.
1979
01:30:43,873 --> 01:30:46,876
Well, look who it is,
Mr. Big Shit.
1980
01:30:47,006 --> 01:30:50,053
Well, look who it is,
Mrs. Big Clit.
1981
01:30:50,183 --> 01:30:52,708
Classy. How am
I not surprised?
1982
01:30:52,838 --> 01:30:54,884
I was surprised
to see you
at the cemetery.
1983
01:30:55,014 --> 01:30:56,929
You flew up
for Dante?
1984
01:30:57,060 --> 01:31:00,629
Well, I did almost
marry the man,
and if I had... P.S.
1985
01:31:00,759 --> 01:31:02,326
He wouldn't have died
of a heart attack
1986
01:31:02,457 --> 01:31:04,023
before he was 50.
1987
01:31:04,154 --> 01:31:06,243
Yeah, because
after a year
with you,
1988
01:31:06,373 --> 01:31:07,810
he'd have
killed himself.
1989
01:31:07,940 --> 01:31:10,508
I think I heard
you had a heart attack.
1990
01:31:10,639 --> 01:31:11,770
Am I right?
1991
01:31:13,424 --> 01:31:15,470
That must really
fuck with you.
1992
01:31:15,600 --> 01:31:19,604
Dante's dead but
you're still here.
1993
01:31:19,735 --> 01:31:21,563
I guess it's true
what they say, Randal.
1994
01:31:21,693 --> 01:31:25,044
Only the good
die young.
1995
01:31:25,175 --> 01:31:26,698
To what do
I owe the pleasure
1996
01:31:26,829 --> 01:31:29,614
of your entirely
unwelcome visit?
1997
01:31:29,745 --> 01:31:33,531
I loaned Dante
30 grand
1998
01:31:33,662 --> 01:31:37,927
and he put his half
of the store up
as collateral.
1999
01:31:38,057 --> 01:31:40,016
Now he's gone.
2000
01:31:40,146 --> 01:31:43,802
And if you can't
pay me back,
I own half this shithole.
2001
01:31:46,892 --> 01:31:48,938
How big's
my clit now,
motherfucker?
2002
01:31:49,068 --> 01:31:51,506
Oh, my sweet Satan,
2003
01:31:53,029 --> 01:31:55,771
lend your might
to the meek
and deliver us
2004
01:31:55,901 --> 01:31:57,990
from this succubus.
2005
01:31:59,122 --> 01:32:01,167
What the...
2006
01:32:01,298 --> 01:32:03,126
The kites are flying!Ah!
2007
01:32:03,256 --> 01:32:05,215
I repeat!
The kites are...
2008
01:32:05,345 --> 01:32:06,390
flying!He talks?
2009
01:32:06,521 --> 01:32:08,348
Yes.Oh, my God.
2010
01:32:08,479 --> 01:32:09,828
Oh, my God!
2011
01:32:09,959 --> 01:32:11,700
Oh, my God!What?
2012
01:32:11,830 --> 01:32:13,223
The kites
are sold out.
2013
01:32:13,353 --> 01:32:15,704
The fucking kites,
God, the kites.
2014
01:32:15,834 --> 01:32:17,619
The Crimson
Kite NFT's,
2015
01:32:17,749 --> 01:32:19,534
the ones we minted for
the Crimson Crypto Club.
2016
01:32:19,664 --> 01:32:20,970
Blockchain put them
on sale last night
2017
01:32:21,100 --> 01:32:22,014
and they all
sold out.
2018
01:32:22,145 --> 01:32:23,799
So?
2019
01:32:23,929 --> 01:32:25,235
The two of us
just made...
2020
01:32:25,365 --> 01:32:26,628
One million!
One million!
2021
01:32:26,758 --> 01:32:28,281
One million dollars!Ah!
2022
01:32:28,412 --> 01:32:31,284
Hail Satan!I'm crypto
rich, bitch!
2023
01:32:31,415 --> 01:32:35,071
I just cashed out
$100,000 just to
flex and buy sex.
2024
01:32:35,201 --> 01:32:36,942
Here, take that.Shit.
2025
01:32:37,073 --> 01:32:38,727
What're you gonna
do with your
money, Big E?
2026
01:32:38,857 --> 01:32:41,468
I'll never be able
to earn my place
behind this counter
2027
01:32:41,599 --> 01:32:44,559
but now I can buy it.
Here's your sucking
2028
01:32:44,689 --> 01:32:45,908
blood money.Oh!
2029
01:32:46,038 --> 01:32:48,432
Now, get the hell
out of our store!
2030
01:32:48,563 --> 01:32:51,304
Well played, clerks.
2031
01:32:52,567 --> 01:32:53,829
Sorry about
the mess.
2032
01:32:53,959 --> 01:32:56,875
That was from
Star Wars.
2033
01:32:57,006 --> 01:32:58,834
I only said it
'cause you
and Mr. Dante
2034
01:32:58,964 --> 01:33:00,575
used to talk
about Star Wars.
I know.
2035
01:33:00,705 --> 01:33:02,098
Long time ago.
2036
01:33:03,752 --> 01:33:06,537
In a galaxy
far, far away...
2037
01:33:07,799 --> 01:33:09,409
Holy fuck,
that's a lot
of money.
2038
01:33:09,540 --> 01:33:10,759
You wanna buy
some weed?
2039
01:33:10,889 --> 01:33:12,587
Yes! I wanna buy
all the weed!
2040
01:33:12,717 --> 01:33:14,023
Here's ten grand.
2041
01:33:14,153 --> 01:33:15,502
Whoo! That's gonna
get you higher
2042
01:33:15,633 --> 01:33:17,809
than Godzilla's
asshole.
2043
01:33:17,940 --> 01:33:20,377
Yo, where those
kites at?
2044
01:33:20,507 --> 01:33:22,597
Right this way,
valued customer.
2045
01:33:25,687 --> 01:33:27,253
Aye-yi-yi.
2046
01:33:41,528 --> 01:33:43,226
I wish you were
here, man.
2047
01:33:45,402 --> 01:33:48,579
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2048
01:33:48,710 --> 01:33:52,061
♪ I don't expect too much
2049
01:33:52,191 --> 01:33:55,238
♪ If the world ended today
2050
01:33:55,368 --> 01:33:57,327
♪ I would adjust
2051
01:33:58,633 --> 01:34:01,636
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2052
01:34:01,766 --> 01:34:04,856
♪ No, I don't talk that way
2053
01:34:04,987 --> 01:34:08,686
♪ I watched too much TV
2054
01:34:08,817 --> 01:34:10,993
♪ When I was young
2055
01:34:13,517 --> 01:34:15,432
♪ There are girls
From New Jersey
2056
01:34:15,562 --> 01:34:20,263
♪ Who have
That great big hair
2057
01:34:20,393 --> 01:34:22,787
♪ They're found
In shopping malls
2058
01:34:22,918 --> 01:34:29,489
♪ I will take you there
2059
01:34:38,629 --> 01:34:41,980
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2060
01:34:42,111 --> 01:34:45,201
♪ It's not like Texas
2061
01:34:45,331 --> 01:34:48,595
♪ There is no mystery
2062
01:34:48,726 --> 01:34:51,947
♪ I can't pretend
2063
01:34:52,077 --> 01:34:55,254
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2064
01:34:55,385 --> 01:34:58,780
♪ It's like Ohio
2065
01:34:58,910 --> 01:35:02,000
♪ But even more so
2066
01:35:02,131 --> 01:35:04,176
♪ Imagine that
2067
01:35:06,875 --> 01:35:09,399
♪ I know which exit
2068
01:35:09,529 --> 01:35:13,708
♪ And where I'm bound
2069
01:35:13,838 --> 01:35:15,884
♪ The tolls on the parkway
2070
01:35:16,014 --> 01:35:22,020
♪ They will slow you down
2071
01:35:32,030 --> 01:35:35,207
♪ New Jersey people
2072
01:35:35,338 --> 01:35:38,384
♪ They will surprise you
2073
01:35:38,515 --> 01:35:42,040
♪ 'Cause they're not expected
2074
01:35:42,171 --> 01:35:45,087
♪ To do too much
2075
01:35:45,217 --> 01:35:48,481
♪ They will try harder
2076
01:35:48,612 --> 01:35:52,007
♪ They may go further
2077
01:35:52,137 --> 01:35:53,748
♪ 'Cause they never think
2078
01:35:53,878 --> 01:35:57,360
♪ That they are good enough
2079
01:35:58,665 --> 01:36:01,973
♪ I'm from New Jersey
2080
01:36:02,104 --> 01:36:05,324
♪ I don't expect too much
2081
01:36:05,455 --> 01:36:08,501
♪ If the world ended today
2082
01:36:08,632 --> 01:36:11,635
♪ I would adjust
2083
01:36:11,766 --> 01:36:13,985
♪ I would adjust
2084
01:36:51,327 --> 01:36:53,285
Hey, kids!
It's me, Kevin Smith,
2085
01:36:53,416 --> 01:36:56,375
and I can't thank you enough
for making this third trip
2086
01:36:56,506 --> 01:36:59,552
to the convenience store
with me. Thank you.
2087
01:36:59,683 --> 01:37:01,772
Um... This time's
exciting for me
2088
01:37:01,903 --> 01:37:04,296
because this time everyone
finally gets to see Clerks
2089
01:37:04,427 --> 01:37:06,385
the way I've always
seen Clerks.
2090
01:37:06,516 --> 01:37:08,735
Most people think that Clerks
is a black and white movie
2091
01:37:08,866 --> 01:37:10,737
and they're right.
It was shot on black
and white film.
2092
01:37:10,868 --> 01:37:13,828
But, to me,
whenever I watch Clerks,
2093
01:37:13,958 --> 01:37:14,959
even though
it's in black and white,
2094
01:37:15,090 --> 01:37:16,743
the movie appears in color.
2095
01:37:16,874 --> 01:37:18,093
Because I lived that life.
2096
01:37:18,223 --> 01:37:20,095
And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,
2097
01:37:20,225 --> 01:37:24,055
you're all seein' QuickStop
and the surrounding area,
2098
01:37:24,186 --> 01:37:26,144
uh, Dante, Randal,
Jay and Silent Bob
2099
01:37:26,275 --> 01:37:29,321
as I've always seen them
from day one.
2100
01:37:29,452 --> 01:37:31,715
Um, in vivid, living color.
2101
01:37:31,846 --> 01:37:37,155
Uh, you know, QuickStop
is the unsung, uh, star
2102
01:37:37,286 --> 01:37:39,288
of all the Clerks movies,
if not,
2103
01:37:39,418 --> 01:37:41,203
you know, the epicenter
2104
01:37:41,333 --> 01:37:43,118
of the View Askewniverse
films in general.
2105
01:37:43,248 --> 01:37:45,163
Um, all stories emanate
2106
01:37:45,294 --> 01:37:48,427
and flow from that
little building.
2107
01:37:48,558 --> 01:37:51,866
And when I worked there...
2108
01:37:51,996 --> 01:37:54,433
um, I hated it.
I didn't want to be there.
2109
01:37:54,564 --> 01:37:55,826
I didn't wanna work
for somebody else
2110
01:37:55,957 --> 01:37:57,219
and I didn't wanna work there.
2111
01:37:57,349 --> 01:37:59,438
And people would come in
2112
01:37:59,569 --> 01:38:01,223
and I'd be like, "Oh, my God,
2113
01:38:01,353 --> 01:38:03,007
"I have to actually
wait on people?
2114
01:38:03,138 --> 01:38:05,009
"I just wanna watch TV."
2115
01:38:05,140 --> 01:38:06,532
I didn't even wanna work
at the convenience store.
2116
01:38:06,663 --> 01:38:08,230
I tried to get a job
at RST Video.
2117
01:38:08,360 --> 01:38:10,014
There was an ad
in the paper for it.
2118
01:38:10,145 --> 01:38:11,581
I went down
and talked to Mr. Topper.
2119
01:38:11,711 --> 01:38:13,322
He said... He goes,
"I see you have
2120
01:38:13,452 --> 01:38:15,628
"convenience store
experience as well."
2121
01:38:15,759 --> 01:38:17,717
I said, "Yeah,
I worked in a bunch
of convenience stores."
2122
01:38:17,848 --> 01:38:19,371
And he goes,
"Would you be
willing to work
2123
01:38:19,502 --> 01:38:21,243
"in this convenience
store next door
2124
01:38:21,373 --> 01:38:22,897
"from time to time because
we own that as well?"
2125
01:38:23,027 --> 01:38:24,550
And I was like, "Uh, yeah,
if you need help."
2126
01:38:24,681 --> 01:38:26,117
And, uh, famous last
words because it...
2127
01:38:26,248 --> 01:38:27,684
it was a convenience
store job.
2128
01:38:27,814 --> 01:38:29,816
He catfished me.
I just wound up
2129
01:38:29,947 --> 01:38:31,557
working in a convenience store
with a couple of hours in...
2130
01:38:31,688 --> 01:38:33,995
in a video store,
teased with paradise,
2131
01:38:34,125 --> 01:38:37,737
then seduced and abandoned
to sell, uh, goods.
2132
01:38:37,868 --> 01:38:40,349
So in Clerks, Randal says,
2133
01:38:40,479 --> 01:38:42,090
"Man, this job would be great
2134
01:38:42,220 --> 01:38:44,048
"if it wasn't for
the fuckin' customers."
2135
01:38:44,179 --> 01:38:46,398
Uh, but in the script
for Clerks III,
2136
01:38:46,529 --> 01:38:48,183
I'm gonna read you a little
something that was there
2137
01:38:48,313 --> 01:38:49,488
that I didn't use
in the movie.
2138
01:38:49,619 --> 01:38:51,360
During the pullback shot
2139
01:38:51,490 --> 01:38:53,101
at the very end,
you hear John Gorka's
2140
01:38:53,231 --> 01:38:54,754
beautiful
I'm From New Jersey.
2141
01:38:54,885 --> 01:38:56,539
And it was so lovely,
2142
01:38:56,669 --> 01:38:59,020
I left that moment alone
and didn't put in
2143
01:38:59,150 --> 01:39:01,457
what in the script called
for, the voice of Smod.
2144
01:39:01,587 --> 01:39:04,764
That would be me.
And this is what you
would have heard.
2145
01:39:04,895 --> 01:39:06,897
"Randal Graves spent
the rest of his life
2146
01:39:07,028 --> 01:39:08,594
"running QuickStop Groceries
2147
01:39:08,725 --> 01:39:10,292
"whenever he wasn't
making movies,
2148
01:39:10,422 --> 01:39:12,294
"with each film
financed solely
2149
01:39:12,424 --> 01:39:15,036
"by Crimson Crypto Studios.
2150
01:39:15,166 --> 01:39:16,776
"At a screening
of his final film,
2151
01:39:16,907 --> 01:39:18,778
"the Asbury Park Press
asked him
2152
01:39:18,909 --> 01:39:21,564
"to sum up
a life spent satisfying
2153
01:39:21,694 --> 01:39:24,959
"both the public's demand
for cigarettes and soda
2154
01:39:25,089 --> 01:39:27,787
"as well as their appetite
for the many movies
2155
01:39:27,918 --> 01:39:31,226
"he made after
his celebrated
debut, Clerk.
2156
01:39:31,356 --> 01:39:34,272
"The 90-year-old
Randal Graves replied,
2157
01:39:34,403 --> 01:39:36,057
"'I always thought that jobs
would have been great
2158
01:39:36,187 --> 01:39:38,102
"'if it weren't for
the fuckin' customers.
2159
01:39:38,233 --> 01:39:40,191
"'But as it turns out,
2160
01:39:40,322 --> 01:39:43,107
"'these jobs are great because
of the fuckin' customers.'"
2161
01:39:44,500 --> 01:39:46,154
He means it and so do I.
2162
01:39:46,284 --> 01:39:48,025
Thank you to everybody
2163
01:39:48,156 --> 01:39:49,374
whoever walked through
the door of that store
2164
01:39:49,505 --> 01:39:51,376
and made me think,
2165
01:39:51,507 --> 01:39:53,465
"Somebody should put this
in a fuckin' movie."
2166
01:39:53,596 --> 01:39:56,120
Somebody did. Thank you.
2167
01:39:57,252 --> 01:39:59,210
Yeah!
155728
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