Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

(scary music)

(bright music)

(static crackling)

(Onyx exhales)

Greetings, oh masterful one.

I am but a lowly minion sitting here before you

crisscross applesauce, consummately at your

infernal service and forever in your eternal debt.

I dunno.

My name is Marcus J. Trillbury, but my friends,

my many, many friends call me Onyx the Fortuitous,

slayer of the bright realm.

I dunno.

I have been a devilish devotee of yours

for more years than I can count.

I have purchased all of your books.

Huh. Interesting.

Listened to all of your records.

And even attempted to complete your at-home workout regime,

"The Beelzebub Beef Up."

But most importantly, I've been a diligent student

of your teachings, having completed the online

certification process for Letting a Lil Devil In,

levels 101, 201, and 301.

And I was approved for 401, but my mom said

I had to stop spending money on the internet, full stop.

And yes, that did include bidding on rare

Battle K.A.T.T.S. minifigs, even though last summer I was

this close to winning a glow-in-the-dark, ultra blue

pumaman variant. Goddamn, I wanted that minifig so bad.

So when I heard, oh Lord, that you were running a contest

for five of your most devoted followers to take part

in a once-in-a-lifetime demonic ritual with you in person,

I just knew it was my destiny to attend.

For I am the most devoted of darkened disciples,

the most fiery of fervent fanatics,

and the most perpetuitous of putrid pupils.

I guess the only thing left to say is,

notice me, Senpai, notice me! (door bangs)

Oh, God, Mom. - What the hell

are you doing in here? - I told you I was making

a video. - Are those my dolls?

- They're for the video - Did you

rip my dolls' heads off? - I promise I'll put

them back, but you can't take them now.

You'll disrupt the magick! You'll disrupt the magick!

(dramatic music)

(ethereal vocalizing)

(computer keys clacking)

(Onyx inhales and exhales)

(computer trills)

(door squeaks)

(Todd laughing)

(fork thudding)

[Todd] Oh my God. (laughing)

Did you put everything back where you found it?

Yes, Mom.

Even Holly Little Puddin' Pants?

Even Holly Little Puddin' Pants. Woo!

Where you headed? You don't work on Fridays.

Oh, thanks for invading my privacy, Todd.

You don't know me.

Hard truth is Travis was fired for pissin in the sweet tea tank

for the third time this month, so I'm picking up his shift.

All right, then. What time can I expect you home?

Would you like us to save you some dinner?

Oh, nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

I might be out pretty late, actually.

(belches) Wow. Big plans after work.

Plans so big that we shouldn't save you dinner.

- Yeah, actually, Todd, (laughs) me and some of my friends

might just go out and tear around town, you know,

flipping stuff up and ripping stuff down. (laughs)

Oh, fun.

(scoffs) Yeah. That'll be the day.

What's that?

Hey, if you got so many friends,

how about I, uh, save a spot for 'em at the table, right?

That way they can all join us for dinner, all your friends!

Why do you wear a full suit and tie every goddamn day,

Todd, you sell wholesale buckets

of doomsday mac and cheese over the phone.

Because the clothes define the man, Marcus.

Clearly a lesson you could stand to learn.

I told you not to call me Marcus anymore.

My name is Onyx the Fortuitous, and I'm proud

of what we accomplish at the Meat Hut every day.

Boys! Boys! (sighs)

You two have been family for over a year now,

and I will not tolerate these yelling matches anymore.

Marcus, I could understand if your father

was still in the house, but this is Todd,

your stepfather, and my lover.

Ugh.

Now, I want you two to breathe with me, okay?

Breathe in. (inhales)

(Nancy exhales) - Fuck you, Todd.

Good. In.

And out.

Fuck you, Onyx the Fart-uitous.

- Fuck you, Todd! - Fuck you, Marcus!

- Boys! (microwave dings)

(bright music)

(bell dings) - Order up, number 46.

Hold the slaw, extra slaw, prairie pepper hot sauce

on the side with a slap of pickles.

(upbeat music)

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Check the weight on that.

You're one fry short.

(bright music)

(cash register dings)

Cash run, Derrell. Low on fives.

(computer game beeping)

Um, Masha?

What, Marcus? Fuck!

I was just wondering if you got my new name tag in yet.

Your what?

Remember a few weeks ago I requested a new name tag,

one that read Onyx the Fortuitous?

I even applied for one through corporate and everything.

That's not your name.

Oh, yeah, uh, um, well, this one's not my name either,

because my name is Marcus Trillbury, yeah,

but this says Marquay Dickberry.

And it's been like that since day one.

I've been here six years.

Look, if you want a different name tag,

check the junk box.

(computer game beeping)

- You lose. - Oh, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck me in my dirty cunt!

(drawer bangs)

Oh, God!

What's up, Pussyhound?

What's up, Tanner, Tanner's bois?

(Tanner's bois barking)

How can I make your day a bit beefier?

(sucks teeth) Yeah, we're gonna need 12

Beefy Bad Boy meals, Monster Style curly fries,

I'm gonna need some sodas for my hounds.

And you know- (Boi whispers indistinctly)

Yeah, and a Sweet N' Sugary Strawberry Shimmy Shake,

and Vanilla Bean Cream Supreme, mixed.

- Is that all? - No.

I want a Peter Plumpkin Toaster Pie, but slightly cool.

I don't want it to be too hot for my baby mouth.

Hey, it's free in five on Fridays, right?

Yes, sir.

Well then you better hop to it.

(Tanner's bois laugh)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- There you are, Tanner. Tanner's bois.

(Tanner's bois bark)

We're just waiting on the burgers.

Time's almost up.

(Tanner's bois bark)

- Hurry, hurry, patty slinger. - You smell like beef!

(person laughs) Gross.

[Tanner] Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

When in doubt, skewer it out.

(upbeat music)

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two, one.

Uh-uh, times up.

- But I- - Lean in.

Lean in. Come on.

(shake sloshing) (Tanner's bois laughing)

(Tanner's bois barking)

(Tanner laughs)

(Tanner's bois barking)

Patty slinger.

- Tell Masha I quit! - What?

Tell Masha I quit!

(knocking) - Yes?

Um, Pussyhound quit.

Dear God.

Or the devil.

Whichever one's listening, I guess. (sobs)

Um, I was wondering

if maybe he could give me a different life.

Yeah, different than the one I have right now currently.

(gentle music)

Yeah, I'd really like a different life, please.

'Cause this one's not working out so well.

(Onyx sobs) (computer chimes)

(horn blows) - Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

(Onyx wheezes) Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

(Onyx barking and laughing)

I've been invited to Bartok's mansion

to take part in a once-in-a-lifetime ritual

in which he, along with five of his most loyal followers,

will attempt to raise the spirit

of the ancient demon, Abaddon.

That's nice, dear, but you're not going anywhere

until you scoop that litter box.

(litter rustling)

(cat purrs)

(cat meows)

(majestic music)

(majestic music continues)

(Mr. Duke chuckling)

(majestic music)

[Onyx] Oh!

(majestic music)

Ah, Briardale Manor, Bartok's estate. Astounding.

Truly a sight to behold.

It's the kind of house that makes you wanna recreate

the 1993 Michael Bay directed music video

for Meat Loaf's "I'd Do Anything for Love."

I dunno. But I won't do that.

(Mack giggles) - How do we get in?

- Oh! Let's explore. (giggles)

- This is wonderful. (Shelley laughing)

Carpe diem. (laughs)

I'm Mackenzie. You can call me Mack, or Zee.

Oh, cool, my name is Marcus, but, uh-

But...

I'd really love it if you called me Onyx the Fortuitous.

Sounds good. Nice to meet you, Onyx.

Nice to meet you, Zee.

(cheery music)

Ooh, wowy, wowy, wowy, wowy!

(cheery music)

(gasps) Oh. Ah.

♪ Emerald is my favorite ♪

Peridot.

Pardon me?

Oh, it's peridot.

Emerald tends to have a deeper, more verdant hue,

whereas peridot is lighter and more olive-colored.

- I love that you know that. Power in knowledge, eh?

- Yeah. (both laugh)

- There's a note. - (gasps) Ooh!

(Shelley laughs and clears throat)

"A warm welcome to the most devoted

and devout of Bartok's betrothed.

These necklaces are to cleanse you of any unwelcome spirits

before you enter this sacred and unholy space.

Please place a personal item in the box.

Leaving this item will help ground you to the house

and act as an offering of familiarity.

Once you have left your item, please, each of you

place a crystal around your neck and step into the foyer."

(Onyx breathing heavily)

(whimsical music)

- Mm-mm. (whimsical music)

Mm-mm. (whimsical music)

Ah.

Is that the only luggage you brought?

It's got everything I need.

(whimsical music)

(ethereal music)

(ethereal music continues)

(all laughing)

Did y'all see that? - Yes.

Did everyone see that little shimmer thing?

(laughs) That's tight.

(laughs) That's tight.

(chiming music) (Onyx gasps)

(door squeaks)

- Come on. (person giggles)

- What? No way. - Oh, dear God.

(dramatic music)

(body thuds)

Oh, fuck!

(TV crackles)

I hate to disappoint you all,

my oh so loyal followers, but I am dead.

Dead as a doornail.

This is not a trick or an illusion.

Go ahead, check my pulse. I'll wait.

(eerie music)

What this is, is your first test,

a test of faith, one that can bring me back to life.

So if you have faith in me now, show it.

Speak it with me now with hearts full of faith!

Let him rise!

Let him rise!

- [All] Let him rise! Let him rise!

Let him rise! Let him rise!

Let him rise! Let him rise!

Let him rise! Let him rise!

(fire crackles) (Bartok gasps)

[Onyx] Huh? Oh!

(dramatic music)

(blood squelching) (all gasp)

(knife clatters)

What do I see before me?

Children, ancient beings, ideas.

Atoms.

But what are you really?

Do you even know what you are?

Have no fear.

This weekend you will take part in three rituals,

the first two in preparation for the third and final,

the ritual of Abaddon Rising.

And in that ritual under a blood moon,

all of you shall be renewed

as disciples in his name,

disciples of Abaddon with renewed purpose,

knowledge, power, and yes, my children, immortality!

- Nice. - Schwa?

(all laughing)

Tonight, drink and eat

in communion with one another.

Make merry and rest.

For tomorrow, you will take the first steps

towards your rebirth.

(all laughing)

[Onyx] Thank you, Bartok!

(all clapping) - Outstanding.

(all laughing)

(glass clinking)

May I, uh, break the proverbial ice, as it were,

and ask what led each of you to Lucifer

and the teachings of Bartok?

Fuck, is that absinthe?

Well, why don't you start, Mr. Duke?

Break that proverbial ice.

Oh, well, I'd be delighted.

My name is John Duke.

I'm a teacher, so I'm used to being called Mr. Duke,

and that is just fine by me.

I'm a man of literature and languages.

I've studied many religions and theologies over the years.

Thank you. - You're welcome.

In the Christian Bible,

man is punished for seeking knowledge.

In the garden of Eden, the closer you get to the devil,

the closer you get to the truth.

And I believe that Bartok hears the truth

directly from Lucifer.

And truth, ah, truth is what I seek above all.

I'll go next. (giggles)

Mine is quick.

Um, I actually have a poem memorized that tells my story.

Oh, cool.

(Shelley clears throat)

There was a young woman who worshiped the Lord.

In church every Sunday, her God she adored.

She would help run the service collect all the tithes,

her husband and children always by her side.

She was taught that a Christian's work isn't in vain.

She hoped serving Jesus might shield her from pain.

Then one day she got word that her husband had perished,

taken by a drunk driver in a flash.

All she cherished was broken and twisted up

in shards of metal.

That young woman in her grief

took solace in the devil.

(somber music)

Thank you.

Your husband died, so you started worshiping the devil?

- Yeah. - Yeah. I get it.

It's like that one time in middle school,

I asked out my crush, Rebekah Love Rodriguez,

and she told me to go suck an egg.

So I just listened to the "Phantom of the Opera"

soundtrack for weeks.

Oh.

Well, what brought you to Bartok, Marcus, hmm?

What started you down this lighted path that led you here?

Mine's a pretty darkened tale as well. I dunno.

So I might need a little something, something

to loosen up the tongue to spin this tortured yarn.

- You want some of that? - Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Dangerous personality types run in my family,

so I've gotta be very intentional when it comes

to my libatious intake, I dunno.

I stick to my tiny wines.

Mama always said, "Too mooch juice and the beast gets loose."

(laughs) But I just need enough to get my courage up.

(objects rustling)

(objects continue rustling)

(gentle music)

(Onyx exhales shakily)

I was eight years old when my father left.

That weekend, my mama took me to the flea market

and gave me five bucks to spend on anything I wanted.

I dunno, to help keep my mind off things.

At first, I saw a Cabbage Patch Doll with my name on it.

Hooey, that doll was something fierce.

Spotted freckles. (laughs)

A little twist of red yarn hair.

Goddamn, it was a sight to behold.

And I always did think I'd be a daddy to a ginger.

Oh.

But just before I handed that fine doll seller

my crispy Lincoln, I saw it, one rack over

behind a Lou Ferrigno Christmas album,

Bartok's first record.

- Ah, "The Devil's Due." - "The Devil's Due."

I don't know what made me buy it. Curiosity, compulsion?

Fate.

Mayhaps. Mayhaps.

It also might have been the goatee.

Ever since ALF, I've had an obsession with hair,

both body and facial, wanting more of it, wanting less.

Having too mooch, but never enoof.

ALF's real name is Gordon Shumway.

Can you finish your story? Bartok, the record.

Oh, yeah, so I bought the record, took it home,

listened to it a bunch, been a big fan ever since.

Oh, beautiful. (laughs)

What about you, Jesminder?

Oh, come on.

The harder the shell, the deeper the crack.

Oh. Oh.

I am Jesminder. You can call me Jesminder, not Jess.

I am a tattoo artist from Vegas,

and do not ask me how many tattoos I have.

The question is rote and basic.

Yeah.

My reason for being here is different.

I was Bartok's wife in a past life,

many past lives actually, and I'm here to be with him again.

We have already died a thousand deaths together,

and I would die a thousand more just to be here now.

I'm here for him, and not to make merry,

and not to mince words.

Oh, yeah, no, I don't think you are mincing words.

I dunno.

Why do you, why do you keep saying that?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I dunno.

(laughs) Well, I'm Mack, they/them.

And feel free to ask me how many tattoos I have.

The answer's 12. My favorite's Snoopy on my ankle.

- Oh, I love Snoopy. - Oh, me too.

And much like Mr. Duke, I'm an investigator, a seeker.

I believe in the power of the elements,

the natural elements.

Bartok, I came across in high school, consumed all his work.

Through him, I've come to learn more about myself

and my place in the world around me.

(lips pop)

(chuckles) Wow. Will you look at us, huh?

Five individuals from differing backgrounds

in various walks of life, all assembled here, now,

to take part in something extraordinary

and unprecedented in his unholy name.

(chuckles) Cheers to that.

To immortality!

[All] To immortality!

- [Onyx] To immortality! (all laugh)

(voices echoing indistinctly)

I'm so happy to be here in Bartok's mansion.

[Mr. Duke] So, Onyx, Onyx, tell me more about this ALF.

[Onyx] Yeah, so ALF's real name is Gordon Shumway.

- Where is he from? - Yeah, well, he's from

the planet Melmac, but he crash lands-

- [Attendee] And then I chopped my hair off.

Well, what do you see?

(eerie music) (all laughing)

- The chubby one didn't drink. - What?

The patty slinger? Can't you make him?

It doesn't really work that way. They have to be willing.

Well, what of everyone else?

Everything seems to be going as planned.

Seems?

You don't sound so sure.

I-

(all laughing)

Do we have anything to worry about?

Is the ritual going to work?

(dramatic music)

No.

No, the ritual won't work?

No, we have nothing to worry about.

Good. Then we move forward.

Tomorrow you will guide them

through the first ritual, "The Book of Blood."

This will quell any uncertainty

and lead us one step closer to the talisman.

(ethereal music)

(birds chirping)

(microphone squealing)

Good morning, Marcus, Jesminder, John, Shelley, and Mack.

This is a reminder to please wear your cleansing stones

at all times during your stay at Briardale Manor.

After your meal, we will meet in the ritual room

with full bellies, steady hearts, and willing spirits.

(microphone squeals)

(dramatic music)

(Shelley giggles)

(door clangs)

Good morning, all.

I am Farrah, delegate to Bartok,

servant to our great Lord Lucifer.

This is the Grand Grimoire.

(all gasp)

Oh.

What's that?

It's like the devil's bible.

All the unholy knowledge in the world

bound in the skin of fallen angels.

Sick.

You were not chosen at random.

The souls required to perform the ritual of Abaddon Rising

were called out a millennia ago by this book.

You will each need to bleed on the primary sigil, here.

The book will tell me whether or not

you have a rightful place.

Who would like to approach first?

Let's do this.

I know my place.

Your hand.

(dramatic music) Et In Nomine Tuo.

(dramatic music)

Next.

(attendee gasps) (dramatic music)

(Marcus whimpers)

Mm, ow! Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ow, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, mm.

The book, Marcus.

Mm. How many squeezes?

How many squeezes? - That, that's enough.

That's enough.

(Farrah whispers indistinctly)

(dramatic music)

Yes.

What does it mean?

You have royal blood dating back generations.

You are the queen. And you are allowed.

I knew it.

(Shelley gasps)

The viking.

Wow. What?

You exist within an ancient Nordic bloodline

that flows forward and backward from your family.

You are allowed.

- Ooh, holy crap! Can you believe it?

I'm a Viking, y'all. (growls)

(laughs) Up top, up top! (laughs)

Leave it to our dark father to surprise us.

Turns out this polished, refined man built of tweed and twee

is also a werewolf.

Lycanthrope blood pulses through your veins.

Whatever the amount and however dormant it may be,

it is still present nonetheless.

And you are allowed.

(dramatic music)

A mystic. Spellcaster.

The witch in this lifetime and many others.

- Really? - You have great power,

but you already knew that.

Use it wisely.

You, Mackenzie, are allowed.

Huh?

- You are the virgin. And you are allowed.

What the fuck?

You're just as an important piece

to this puzzle as anyone else.

Bullshit. Jesminder's an ancient queen.

Shelley found out she's a viking.

Oh, how cool and against type is that?

Mr. Duke is part fucking werewolf. Are you kidding me?

And Mack's an all-too-powerful witch,

but I'm just a fat fucking, fat fucking virgin.

Oh, goddamn, they did your boy dirty.

Well, are you a virgin?

Huh?

Are you a virgin, Marcus?

There's no shame in it.

Well, first of all, Mr. Duke,

there is shame in everything.

I'm surprised they didn't teach you that in Yale school.

And besides that, yes, I am a virgin, goddamn.

The only thing that's ever touched my wee-wee

is my never washed pair of Battle K.A.T.T.S. Underoos.

(book slams)

The point is, all is in place

for the ritual of Abaddon Rising,

a ritual that requires one lycan, one witch, one viking,

one queen, and yes, one virgin.

Goddammit.

- I must report my findings. You will hear from me soon.

So you've never even...

What? No. (laughs)

I mean, what would that even do?

(Onyx laughs)

Each are devoted, each bled for you.

All five are present.

They're all here. All five.

All of them.

We're so close. So close.

Open it.

(dramatic music)

Okay.

Show me the way, Lord.

Show me the way to the talisman.

Show me the way to true power.

Pay me back for all the years of service. Show me the way!

Show me the fucking way.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Yes.

Thank you, Father. (laughs)

(dramatic music)

Boom.

Tonight, we capture

eternity.

(dramatic music)

(crickets chirping) (Shelley laughing)

(Mr. Duke laughing)

So have you ever like, transformed?

Never.

I've never even imagined being anything more than a man.

Never even dreamt it a possibility.

That is until...

Until when?

I have kissed somebody before,

so I've lost my mouth virginity.

But I guess that's just not enough for that stupid book.

I had a dream last night.

And I believe it was preparing me

for what the Book of Blood would reveal.

In it, I, I saw my hands growing claws,

and my face, my face covered in fur.

I was inside of my own body,

but somehow outside of it as well.

Me too.

I had a dream just like it.

I mean, not the werewolf part.

But it was a foreshadowing of sorts.

I was on the ocean in a great, great big boat

surrounded by men,

all looking to me for orders.

Sounds legit.

My friend Elijah thought I got a hand job once

from Kim Greene when we all skipped school

to go see a matinee of "Ever After."

I don't know, but in reality,

Kim had just dropped a piece of popcorn on my lap

and had a wicked hard time retrieving that rogue kernel.

I dreamt I was on a throne

with an ever-expanding army at my beck and call.

A queen surveying many lands.

Oh, cool, well, I dreamt I didn't fuck anybody last night,

so I guess we all had pretty fortuitous dreams.

(lighter clicking)

(door clicking)

(ominous music)

- [Bartok] This way. Stay close.

[Farrah] Yes, master.

Mack, did you have a dream last night?

Who's asking?

Well, Mr. Duke's asking.

Yeah. I, I, did.

You mind sharing?

(Mack sighs)

I was a witch

levitating above a circle of other witches,

all chanting my name and lifting me up.

That's fucking tight too.

Meanwhile, I slept like a dumb-dumb baby.

If I had a nightmare, y'all'd know.

I'd wake up gripping the sheets something fierce

and yelling, "Jesus!"

Interesting.

We all, well, most of us, had vivid dreams last night

foretelling our callings from the Book of Blood.

But (sighs) what, what does it mean?

How about this?

We break into Bartok's study, look at the Grimoire ourselves

and find out what the fuck it all means.

Schwa?

Well, Bartok and, uh, delegate just left for the evening.

I mean, I saw them go that way.

Oh, come on, Mr. Duke.

Think about all that juicy knowledge

that resides in that book.

Don't you wanna sink your little

truth-seeking fangs into it?

I would die to know more about that ritual.

Yes.

Tempted by the forbidden fruit, huh?

Dare we take a bite?

Dare we?

(Mr. Duke and Onyx laugh)

Dare we?

(dramatic music)

(thunder crashes)

(dramatic music)

(thunder crashes)

(dramatic music)

(Mr. Duke grunts)

Let me try.

I've got a surprisingly firm grip due to the amount

of marshmallow fluff jars I've opened up over the years.

(laughs) I used to put that shit on everything.

(Onyx grunts)

(dramatic music)

What? Are we close?

Yes, I think so.

(Onyx grunts)

- I'm talking English muffins. I'm talking Pop-Tarts.

Fuck, I'm even talking bean burritos. I don't give a shit.

(Onyx grunts)

(dramatic music)

Here.

The map says here.

(dramatic music)

(shrubbery rustling)

(thunder crashes)

(intense music)

(dramatic music)

(shovel clangs) (Bartok grunts)

(Onyx grunting)

(Onyx panting)

(thunder crashes) (dramatic music)

Well, can anyone pick a lock?

Wait, my Meat Hut skeleton key.

Your what?

This key opens everything.

I inherited it from my former boss, Rick,

the night he quit the Meat Hut, left me in charge,

and promptly killed himself.

I don't know, I think Rick's wife might've left him,

or maybe Rick never had a wife at all.

Marcus, this lock is most likely 200 years old or more.

There is no way your fast food key is gonna...

Oh. (Mack laughs)

Oh, I stand corrected.

(dramatic music)

Unholy Father, how you blessed us.

[Onyx] Oh.

There.

[Mack] The book.

(Onyx imitates horn playing)

(Onyx laughs)

Ah.

- [Mr. Duke] Ah, here it is. (laughs)

[Mack] Well, can you read it?

In, in, in pieces.

It's written in an ancient language

I'm not entirely familiar with, possibly Samarian or,

or a derivative of such.

I brought my compact mini library of dead languages

with me, but they're in my room.

Nerd.

[Onyx] What does it say about the virgin?

That he has the power to cradle his flacid wee-wee

in his hands and cry for hours on end?

Ah, here it is.

"The ritual of Abaddon Rising is meant to empower,

imbue, something, something, never-ending life."

(shovel thuds) (Bartok grunts)

(shovel thumping) - Oh, yes.

"But first, the Knife of Dagon must be acquired,

then the five devoted souls must be..."

Must be what?

It, it, it's a word I'm not entirely familiar with.

Captivated? Enraptured?

(thunder crashes)

(Bartok gasps)

(Bartok pants)

"Once the five souls are present, the map of Sammael

will be revealed and lead to the Talisman of Souls."

(thunder crashes)

The what?

(thunder crashing)

(metal clanging)

"Once the talisman is empowered and in your possession,

you will be able to summon the infernal ruler Abaddon

and absorb his power."

(thunder crashes)

(Bartok laughing)

So if, if, if I'm to understand this correctly,

once Abaddon has risen-

- (giggles) Aw. - Our immortality is gained,

Bartok takes Abaddon's power, but-

But what?

There's a warning here at the bottom.

"If a mortal tries to raise Abaddon,

beware the prophecy of the-"

(tooth creaking)

(door creaking)

Secret passageways. Are you kidding me?

The what? The prophecy of the what?

The prophecy of the, I don't know, it's gone.

What the fuck?

(door creaking)

We have to go.

Marcus. - Onyx?

- Zee? - Onyx?

- Zee! - Onyx.

- Zee! - We have to go!

- Zee! - But Onyx-

Now, we have to go!

- Onyx? - Zee! Zee!

(ominous music)

(Onyx breathing heavily)

(door scraping)

(eerie music)

(eerie music continues)

(metal clanging)

(eerie music)

(talisman clanging)

Now, focus.

Hail, Satan.

[Both] Son of light.

[Bartok] Bring me the first sacrifice.

(ominous music)

(ominous music continues)

(Bartok whispering in foreign language)

(loud knocking)

(doors scraping)

I want to see Bartok.

Of course. He's been expecting you.

Welcome, my dear.

Please, have a seat.

(doors slam)

You know, you and I have met many times

over thousands and thousands of years.

And it has all culminated into this moment.

(suspenseful music)

It's your time

to make the ultimate sacrifice.

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

Ade due Damballa.

Give me the power, I beg of you.

Secoise entienne

mais pois

de morte! (blood squelches)

(Onyx screams faintly) (dramatic music)

Yes.

That's it.

Give me all of you. All of you.

Everything.

Every last drop.

(talisman dings)

(Jesminder gasps)

(Onyx whimpers) (Jesminder gasps)

(whimpering) Goddammit!

So many fucking cobwebs.

(Onyx whimpering)

(Onyx screams)

(Onyx thuds)

Onyx?

Oh, hey. (laughs)

What are y'all doing in here?

Uh, Mr. Duke is just trying to write down

everything he can remember from the book.

We're trying to learn more about the final ritual.

- Oh, awesome. (chuckles) Hell yeah.

Are you okay?

Ah, yeah, nah, it's just, huh?

What, how does that? Oh. (laughs)

There's a, I was wondering how it,

there's a little button on the side so that, yeah,

that just off and then back on again, it's so cute. (laughs)

Oh. I love the mechanics of these vintage lamps.

Yeah, Onyx, you don't really seem okay.

Did something happen to you?

No. I just. (laughs)

Huh.

So when y'all left, I got stuck behind this painting.

Aw, man, we're sorry. We just didn't know where you were.

Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

It's fine. It's fine.

It's just, I saw Jesminder and Bartok,

and at first they were just talking.

But then they got a little smoochie, which is fine.

That's fine.

But then-Then?

He stabbed her and stabbed her until she was dead!

What?

With the Knife of Dagon, right in the chest.

And I watched all the life drain from her eyes

until she passed out and turned into

some kind of soulless ghoul.

♪ Somewhere out there ♪

Wait, what the fuck is happening?

Sorry. When I get nervous, I start singing Fievel.

Can I get one of those?

Yeah.

(Onyx sighs)

It doesn't sound like immortality Mr. Duke.

What the fuck is going on?

Why did they really bring us here?

Marcus, are you sure you saw what you think you saw?

Oh, huh. Well, no.

Let me think about it. Maybe I, no, maybe I did.

Yes. I fucking saw what I think I saw.

Okay, okay.

The knife took out all of her soul goo.

And the handle glowed like a bedazzled Lite-Brite.

Marcus, do you think you can draw what that looked like?

Yes, sir.

Did he say anything or speak anything

while these actions occurred?

Yeah. Some kind of incantation.

Do you remember any of it?

Yeah, it was like, uh, uh, dada,

or doo doo, dada doo doo, or no,

maybe doo doo came first.

Doo doo, dada, doo doo, uh, Scooby-Doo,

uh, yabba-dabba-doo.

My word.

This is, I believe, the Talisman of Souls.

Hmm. Interesting.

What?

The smoke burns as it fills my lungs.

I've never had a cigarette before,

and I feel like I'm gonna vomit my entrails out.

(Onyx retches) - Okay.

Uh, we really have to find that missing page.

The what?

In the Grimoire, after the ritual of Abaddon,

there was a warning.

It stated, "Beware the prophecy of the,"

and then the next page was missing.

I think I saw the missing page.

- You did? - Where?

It was taped behind the painting.

I saw it when Jesminder was getting zoinked and mcgoink'd.

Goodnight, honored guests.

Please retire to your individual quarters

and meet downstairs in the morning,

for tomorrow we will prepare for our second ritual.

Ah, that's it.

Which will lead us one step closer to immortality.

During the second ritual, one of us

sneaks off to retrieve the missing page.

That page might help me put all these puzzle pieces together

and uncover what awaits us.

Something tells me that Bartok and delegate

have a puzzle of their own to solve.

Let's just hope we solve ours first.

(birds chirping) (gentle music)

Welcome to the Ritual of the Box Demon.

You will each enter this room alone, empty,

except for a peculiar wooden box.

Open the doors to that box.

There you will confront a small yet powerful demon.

To this demon you will unburden yourself.

Share with it a secret that weighs heavily on your heart.

Yes, Mackenzie?

Where's Jesminder?

I mean, don't we need her for the ritual?

Yeah.

Jesminder is helping our master with something

of great importance.

A preparation for the

final ritual.

In exchange for that secret, you will request a truth.

Ask wisely.

Ask for an answer that no one could give you.

No one except for our Eternal Father.

But beware, for the truth this creature speaks

is not for the faint of heart.

For what he knows about you could challenge

the very essence of self

and untether you with a singular devastating proclamation.

(dramatic music)

Yes, Marcus?

I gotta take a big ol' shit.

- Now? - Um, let me check.

(groans) Yeah, now. For sure.

Fine, then go. We'll start without you.

But if you're not back before your turn,

by Satan's unholy name, you will be rendered ineligible

and ejected from Bartok's mansion post-haste.

Got it.

Shit quick else be deemed unworthy.

Mackenzie, would you like to go first?

I'd be honored.

(door clanging) (Shelley giggles)

(Shelley giggling)

(dramatic music)

(door squeaking)

(bats squealing)

(coughs) Goddammit.

How are all these cobwebs at exactly mouth level?

(dramatic music)

- Keeping it beefy. Keeping it beefy.

Keeping it beefy. Keeping it beefy.

Keeping it beefy. Keeping it beefy.

[Onyx] Huh.

(door squeaks)

(Mack sobs) - Yes.

The box demon speaks directly to your soul's cradle.

Steady yourselves and steel your nerves for his truths.

Mr. Duke.

(door squeaks)

I'm ready to go in.

[Farrah] Hmm.

[Onyx] (grunts) Gotta get back for the box demon.

Gotta get back for the box demon.

[Mr. Duke] Uh-huh.

(door slams)

Oh, how's it going down here with all the box demon stuff?

- Shelley. (Shelley squeals)

I gave him the page.

- Shut the fuck up. - Yep.

(dramatic music)

(Shelley screams) Oh!

[Shelley] You've shattered my mind!

Oh, oh, there's a raccoon in the car!

(door squeaks)

(Shelley sobbing)

Whatever's going on in there must be pretty heavy stuff.

(laughs) It's probably for the better

that I emptied out my system first.

[Shelley] No, don't ever let go. Don't ever let go.

(door squeaks and slams)

(chiming music)

Go to him. Go to your master.

(Shelley sobs)

Shelley, where are you going?

- She's going to her master. She's in quite a state.

Yeah, we all are, but I think it'd be better

if we just stay together, I mean, right, Shelley?

Stay with me. - I...

Mackenzie, please. We all have free will here.

I'm not gonna let him do to her what he did

to Jesminder, you hear me?

- Jesminder? Whatever could you mean?

Yes, Mack, whatever could you mean?

Shelley, he's ready for you now.

What the fuck?

[Shelley] I want to see Bartok.

Wait here for your friend.

(dramatic music)

(cabinet squeaks)

(box demon coos)

Come closer, my son.

Closer.

(box demon groans and sneezes)

(Onyx gasps)

Let it in, my son.

Let it in.

Now, won't you feed me a secret, Marcus?

I dunno.

Dig deep, my son.

Go to the darkest, most shameful parts of you.

What is there?

Oh, uh, I guess,

huh.

Sex?

Yes.

What do you see when you think of your most carnal desires?

Well, I guess I think about my,

my fantasies. - Ooh.

Tell me more.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, what's buried in the core

of your chamber of shame?

Uh, yeah, my shame-ber?

Uh, well, my deepest, darkest fantasies

revolve around a series of fan fiction I wrote.

Short novellas really, based on Gadget Hackwrench

from "Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers."

Oh, yes.

In it, I play a mix between Dale

and Marky Mark's character from "Boogie Nights."

I call myself Dale Diggler. (laughs)

And, uh, let's just say the things we get to fixing

in the Ranger Plane after hours,

well, (laughs) yeah, it's more than just rusty propellers.

(Onyx laughs)

'Cause eventually she starts fixing my wiener.

(laughs) Mm. Tasty.

Num, num, num. That secret will do.

Now, what truth do you seek?

Anything?

Anything.

Oh, demon in a box, how I beg of you.

Oh, demon in a box, please answer me true.

Oh, demon in a box, how I wish to see

why my father Carl left my mother and me.

- [Box Demon] Oh, Marcus. Don't you know?

It was because of you.

What?

[Box Demon] You simply weren't enough.

You weren't enough to keep him there.

Weren't enough to keep them together.

Think hard, go deep. You'll remember.

(dreamy music)

♪ Battle K.A.T.T.S. ♪

♪ Noble warrior felines ♪

♪ Battle K.A.T.T.S. ♪

♪ Flying high in the air ♪

♪ Battle K.A.T.T.S. ♪

♪ Righteous, worthy and divine ♪ (Carl yelling indistinctly)

[Nancy] Oh, you're a clown, Carl!

Get a job in a sideshow!

(Nancy sobbing)

(suitcase thuds)

♪ Battle K.A.T.T.S. ♪

Daddy, where are you going?

When will you be back?

I don't know.

(door slams)

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.

I dunno. I dunno.

I dunno. I dunno.

I dunno. I dunno.

I dunno I dunno.

I dunno.

Did you find the answers you sought, young one?

- Oh, yeah. (laughs) We're good.

Thanks, little demon dude.

Now, if you-(cabinet slams)

Onyx, are you okay? What did the demon say to you?

Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm good.

He actually said a bunch of cool stuff to me.

He was like, "I bet you got a big ol' wiener,

and you probably fuck a lot too."

So yeah, I just wanted to celebrate

all the cool stuff he said. (laughs)

(dramatic music)

Well, Mr. Duke wants us to rendezvous with him

to discuss his findings.

He's been deciphering the prophecy, and-

- Oh, cool. Yeah, prophecies are so fun.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's rendezvous.

(Onyx chugging)

(Mack sighs)

(Onyx chugging)

Onyx, maybe you wanna slow down a little.

Loud and clear, boss.

"It is foretelling a prophecy that will disrupt

the rising of Abaddon.

Beware the prophecy of the unexpected,"

no, "unforeseen."

Oh, come on, John.

"Beware the prophecy of the,

of the Fortuitous One."

- What? - What?

- What? - What?

(Shelley yells) - What?

(Shelley whimpers)

Nothing, I-

(Shelley thuds)

That's right.

Give me everything.

Every last drop.

(Shelley whimpering)

Onyx, what did you call yourself when we first met?

Huh? Oh, I don't remember.

It was Onyx the Fortuitous, wasn't it?

- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, nah.

I might have said Onyx the Fortunate One,

because I am ever so fortunate to have won this contest

and be invited here to be with all of you wonderful people.

(Onyx chugging)

What else does it say?

I mean, what happens if the ritual is disrupted?

What happens if it isn't?

I, I, I, I, I don't know.

I need more time with the page.

There, there's so much here.

Onyx, if you...

(Mack sighs)

(lively music) (Onyx chugging)

Onyx, what are you doing?

Huh? Oh, I'm just trying to relax. (laughs)

I mean, all this talk of demons and prophecies,

I mean, whoo, it is too mooch. (laughs)

And I just wanna party. Don't you?

I mean, everyone's so stuffy here, right?

Bartok and Farrah and all their fucking bullshit.

Huh? All their fucking bullshitty robes.

And they're dumb-dumb hats.

I mean, what kind of dumb-dumb wears a hat like this?

It's stupid. And this.

Fuck this goofy-ass emerald bullshit.

It's, it's peridot.

Well, fuck this peridot bullshit.

(necklace chimes)

(Onyx chugs)

(ghoul gasping)

(laughs) Dancing makes me feel so alive! (laughs)

(Onyx chugging)

What's happening?

I don't think he liked what the demon said to him.

Ah. You know what's weird?

No one has danced since we got here.

And that's a real shame, huh?

'Cause dancing really frees you up, huh?

Dancing gets you loose, (laughs) gets you outta your head.

Farrah, you wanna dance with me? Come on, baby.

(laughs) Nah? All right, that's fine.

I can dance by myself. (laughs)

Oh, yeah, she gets it. Come on.

Let it take you over. Let the rhythm take you over.

Rhythm take you over.

Oh, fuck. She's a ghoul. (laughs)

What, what did he say?

He said, "Oh, fuck, she's so cool."

(Onyx chugging)

Onyx, how much of that did you drink?

I don't know.

(Onyx thuds)

(bright music)

♪ And I would do anything ♪ for love ♪

♪ I'd run right into hell ♪ and back ♪

♪ I would do anything ♪ for love ♪

♪ I'll take the vow and ♪ seal the pact ♪

- Who am I? - You know. Search your heart.

Who's to say what any of us are in this twisted palace

built of riddle and rhyme?

♪ And I would do anything ♪ for love ♪

♪ But I won't do that ♪

[Onyx] I dunno.

♪ No, I won't do ♪ (Onyx hisses)

(upbeat music)

♪ And some nights you're ♪ breathing fire ♪

♪ And some nights you're ♪ talking nice ♪

♪ Some nights you're like nothing ♪

♪ I've ever seen before or ♪ will again ♪

(Onyx growls)

♪ And maybe I'm crazy ♪

♪ Oh, it's crazy and it's true ♪

♪ I know you can save me ♪

♪ No one else can save me ♪ now but you ♪

Farrah, what are you?

[Farrah] Here we can be anything, Onyx.

I can be whatever your heart desires most.

Join me and we can be together for all eternity.

♪ And I would do anything ♪ for love ♪

♪ I would do anything ♪ for love ♪

♪ I would do anything ♪ for love ♪

♪ But I won't do that ♪

- I dunno. ♪ But I won't do ♪

Or would you rather be here?

No. Oh, God, no.

Then be with me. Free me from Bartok's rule.

Schwa?

He raised me from the depths, gave me life.

But a life of enslavement is no life at all.

I can be given a new life by the one the prophecy speaks of.

Together you and I can defeat Bartok.

But if we don't, he will complete the final ritual

and use the power of Abaddon to take the souls of millions.

But if you and I-(growling)

Oh, no. It's too late.

He found us. - Who?

Abaddon.

[Abaddon] Come to me, patty slinger.

Come to me. (growls)

(dramatic music)

(Abaddon growling)

How can I make your day a bit beefier?

Marcus J. Trillbury,

we meet at last.

I've heard so much about you.

The patty slinger. The virgin.

The fool. Know this, Marcus.

You are many things,

but you are not the Fortuitous One.

I have seen the Fortuitous One.

Does that look like you, Onyx the Fart-uitous?

(creature squelching)

Does it?

No, sir, it does not.

In less than one day's time,

I will rise through an unholy vessel and enslave the Earth.

Face it, patty slinger,

your time is up. (roars)

(Onyx screams) (Abaddon laughs)

There's nowhere to run. (laughs)

Patty slinger. Patty slinger.

I'm coming to get you, patty slinger. (laughs)

How can I make your day a bit beefier? (laughs)

When in doubt, skewer it out.

Yahhh! - Jesus!

Jesus!

Hey, it's okay, Onyx.

It's all right. Lay, lay down.

You're all right.

Here, drink this.

What is it?

Ginger, turmeric, mint, elder flower,

some other things that'll help your stomach.

I'm sorry, Zee. I don't know what came over me.

It's all good.

Uh, your little episode was the perfect distraction

Mr. Duke needed to work on his translations.

- Oh, sick. (stomach gurgles)

Mm. - Drink.

I spent some time in the walls.

This place is a maze.

Dozens of corridors all leading somewhere different.

Thanks for taking care of me, Zee.

That's what friends are for, Onyx.

Oh, yeah. For sure.

Yeah, I know what friends are

and what their general responsibilities consist of.

(Mack cries)

(somber music)

Zee, are you okay?

No, I, um,

I feel stupid, Onyx.

Stupid for trusting Bartok.

Trusting anyone, really.

I should have known better.

And I'm,

I'm scared.

I'm really scared.

(solemn music)

I used to get scared whenever I'd go on sleepovers.

Even to my best friend Billy Davis's house.

'Cause it all felt so weird and unfamiliar.

That's when his mom, Linda, taught me that song.

And just like Fievel, my fears would be soothed

and I'd be asleep in no time.

'Cause she reminded me that no matter how alone we feel,

no matter how far away from home we might be,

we're still underneath the same sky as the people we love.

Just remember, you do have friends.

And you're never really alone.

Because we're all under the same moon.

(Mack chuckles)

That's all you saw in the dream,

the chubby one playing the piano

and smashing mirrors with a cane?

Yes. What I saw is what I told you.

Hmm.

(ghoul wheezing)

Farrah?

Yes, master?

Why do you insist on mocking my intelligence,

undermining my power, deriding my virility?

- Master, I- - Do you not think

he speaks to me?

Do you not think Lucifer himself speaks directly to me?

To me!

Or a succubus shrew who sleeps in a shed?

Give it to me. (Farrah moans)

Put it in my hand.

Put it in my hand.

(Bartok grunts) (the figurine shatters)

(dramatic music)

What's the point of having a psychic demon bitch's power

at my disposal if all she does is fucking lie to me?

I didn't lie to you, master.

Oh, no, you just chose not to tell me

that you sensed something when they first arrived.

You just chose not to tell me

when they witnessed the taking of a soul.

You just chose not to tell me that they stole

the fucking prophecy right from underneath our noses!

(ghouls wheezing)

Now, if you don't tell me what you're sensing,

what you're seeing when you see it, I swear to you-

(metal clangs) (Farrah gasps)

I will take this fucking life from you.

You can't kill a demon with the Knife of Dagon.

You know what? I know that I can't kill you with this.

But what I can do is sever your fucking head

and put it in a display case for all eternity,

shielded in unbreakable Nazarene glass.

That I can do!

He is here.

Who?

The Fortuitous One.

(dramatic music)

(bright music)

(bright music continues)

(Mr. Duke whispering indistinctly)

Yes.

Yes, that's it.

That's it. I see it now.

I see it all now.

(laughs) Outstanding.

It's the teacher, isn't it?

Mm-mm. The patty slinger.

Oh, fucking right.

(object clattering)

How dare you?

You still try to make a fool out of me?

No, I swear, I saw him.

You saw the man of destiny,

the demon killer, the slayer of the bright realm?

Here within these walls.

(dramatic music)

(Bartok gasps)

One more lie,

and I swear.

It was the teacher. You were right, I was wrong.

I just wasn't seeing as clearly as you.

(dramatic music) (Farrah sighs)

I knew it.

(Farrah growling)

I have no doubt our Father looks down upon you in shame.

(ghoul grunts)

(dramatic music)

(knocking) - Yes?

[Bartok] Mr. Duke, I wondered

if you had a moment to spare.

Of course. I would be honored.

Wow.

You really are a man of studies, aren't you?

- Well, what can I say? Knowledge excites me.

I can see that.

So tell me, what knowledge

have you discovered tonight?

That you are not the person you've said you are,

and that your plans for us, hmm,

well, they aren't what we were led to believe.

(laughs) Well, that is a matter

of perspective, isn't it?

After all, I am offering you immortality.

(chuckles) You only gain Abaddon's power

by offering the demon five souls.

We would live eternally,

as your prisoners,

locked within the talisman until the end of time.

Immortality.

No, undying pain and suffering

as we remain cognizant

of our never-ending state of purgatorial stasis.

Now, that, that is more like it, yes?

Eh. Tomato, tah-mah-toe.

(dramatic music) (Mr. Duke yells)

(ominous music)

(Mr. Duke yells) (Mack gasps)

(Mr. Duke hums) (door squeaks)

Mr. Duke, are, are you okay? What did you find?

- Oh, don't be silly. Of course I'm fine.

And I found nothing. Nothing but the truth.

That we should follow Bartok's words to the letter

and join him for the final ritual.

Right fucking now.

Are you seeing regular Mr. Duke or ghoul Mr. Duke?

What? Regular.

Huh. Because he's definitely a ghoul now.

(Mr. Duke growls)

We should run!

(Mr. Duke growling)

[Mack] Come on.

(Onyx shrieks) (Mr. Duke growling)

Keep your mouth closed. These cobwebs are something fierce.

Oh, fuck. Are you getting them or nah?

Just me? I'm fucking choking on webs.

(door rattles and squeaks)

Why could I see the ghoul and you couldn't. Huh?

Why could I see the ghoul and you couldn't?

Stand guard. I need to study this.

(Onyx groans)

Okay, Mr. Duke.

The peridot necklaces.

These crystals. Farrah's been using them to control us.

Influence our will.

Well, what else does it say?

Did Mr. Duke have a plan?

Huh? What do we do?

- Yeah, he had a plan. - What's the plan?

Do we reanimate one of these dead bobcats

and ride it straight outta town?

Or do we race this old dentist's chair downhill

until it picks up enough speed to shoot us

into space like "Radio Flyer"? (whimpers)

Or do we light this place on fire and perish in the flames?

Or build a makeshift cannon out of paperclips

and old white out that we find in Bartok's desk?

- No. (dramatic music)

I stay here and you go.

What? Go where?

Stay here? Why?

Follow the map to get out and head to the old cemetery.

Find the fallen angel.

Once the blood moon has risen,

that's where the final ritual will take place.

What? They're gonna kill you, Zee.

Suck out your soul like some kind

of demonic Dyson set on overdrive.

Listen, everything you need is in here.

What's gonna happen?

(lips smack)

You have everything you need.

No! Zee, don't do this!

Don't do this! Don't leave me!

Don't leave me! I can't do this alone!

I'm not who you think I am. I'm not the Fortuitous One.

I'm just a fat fucking patty slinging chubby

fat fucking virgin. (door slams)

Zee!

Zee!

(liquid dripping)

(ominous music)

(microphone squeals) - Paging. Mr. Bartok.

Paging Mr. Bartok, I'm in your office

fucking up your shit.

What you gonna do about it?

(glass shattering) (objects clattering)

(dramatic music)

(thunder crashes)

(ominous music)

Bartok, where are you?

Come and get me! (glass shatters)

(Onyx panting) (crickets chirping)

(eerie music)

(objects clattering)

(glass crunching)

(dramatic music)

(ethereal music)

(ethereal music continues)

[Mr. Duke Voiceover] Dear Onyx, if you are reading this,

I know things must seem pretty grim.

It looks as though you are all alone

facing something insurmountable.

But I assure you, that isn't the case.

We, your friends, are with you.

The prophecy of the Fortuitous One is clear.

If the souls are collected underneath the blood moon,

a portal will open leading directly

to Abaddon's lair in hell.

If the Fortuitous One throws themselves into the pit,

they will not only be reborn from beyond,

they will also have the power to reanimate

the ones who have perished by the Knife of Dagon.

All of this must be done under the gaze of the blood moon,

lasting only 300 seconds.

That's five minutes. - Got it.

(dramatic music) (Mack grunts)

Ade due Damballa.

Give me the power, I beg of you.

Ade due Damballa.

Give me the power, I beg of you!

Ade due Damballa.

Give me the power-♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Out there ♪

(knife slams) (Mack screams)

[Mr. Duke Voiceover] Onyx, I cannot say whether or not

you are the one the prophecy speaks of.

That could not be determined by my studies.

You must search within yourself

and find what you know in your heart to be true.

However, if you are not the Fortuitous One

and you throw yourself into the hell mouth,

you will burn alive as you fall for miles and miles,

hurdling toward Abaddon's pit deep beneath

the Earth's surface, fully awake and aware

for the entirety of the fall.

Then once arriving in his lair, undoubtedly face centuries

of torture at the hands of Abaddon

and his many demonic minions.

Good luck.

Huh.

(dramatic music)

I have everything I need, huh? (dramatic music)

(ghouls snarling) (dramatic music)

Patty slinger!

The time has come.

The blood moon blesses us

and Abaddon is waiting.

(ghoul wheezing) - Zee.

(dramatic music)

No. Kneel and accept your fate.

Put your magic to some good use

and make this fool do as I say.

Kneel in the name of Bartok.

(Onyx grunts)

Now we can begin.

Father, hear me.

I have done as you have asked.

The talisman of souls is nearly full.

You have commanded, and I have obeyed.

With this final offering, we make way for Abaddon.

It's sad. For you, I mean.

But they're not really in there anymore.

They're in here.

(dramatic music)

Do you know how I know

you aren't the Fortuitous One, Marcus?

Because you don't impress me.

(knife slams) (Onyx groaning)

Farrah, the book.

(dramatic music)

Ade due Damballa.

Give me the power, I beg of you.

Secoise entienne mais pois de morte.

Ade due Damballa.

Give me the power, I beg of you.

Secoise entienne mais pois de morte.

Ade due Damballa.

Give me the power, I beg of you!

Secoise entienne mais pois de morte!

Rise, Abaddon! Come to me!

Give me power!

(dramatic music)

Hey, Bartok!

I just wanted to tell you something real quick

before all my soul goo is gone.

Hey, I just wanted to say (indistinct whispering).

What?

I was just trying to tell you (whispers indistinctly).

What are you saying, patty slinger?

Uh, this isn't one of Farrah's crystals at all. (chuckles)

It's an ultra green pumaman variant.

Surprised you didn't know that.

So I'm free to do whatever the fuck I want.

(head thuds)

(Bartok and Onyx groan)

Oh. Oh!

How deep does that hole go?

Well, here goes nothing.

(Onyx yells)

My life's work!

Gone, in a flash,

because you wouldn't do as you were told.

You couldn't keep them in line.

You couldn't protect years

of my work for one fucking weekend! (sobs)

I've spent my life preparing for this one night.

(Bartok sobs)

[Ghouls] Let him rise.

Let him rise.

Let him rise.

- What? - Let him rise.

- What? - Let him rise.

- What are they saying? Why are they saying that?

(flames crackling)

(triumphant music)

(triumphant music continues)

I stand before you now not as the man you once

knew me to be, but as a man revivified,

no longer made of earthly flesh and bone,

but rather built of supernatural sinew

and metaphysical muscle, not unlike the genetic builds

of angels and demons that wage forever war

in opposing kingdoms, battling over the fates

of monsters and mites until both time and space

stretch to bleak nothingness and the stars refuse to expand.

But for what is this battle raging, you ask.

I dunno. What stands at the center?

To that I say my soul is at the center,

for I am Onyx the Fortuitous, slayer of the bright realm,

an altered warrior destined to return my friends' souls

to their bodies and seal this weeping hell portal thusly.

(majestic music)

I dunno. Being reborn is pretty cool.

(dramatic music)

(Bartok groans)

Not much time left!

Quick, ghoul buddies, single file.

(triumphant music)

- Farrah, please! (shovel thuds)

Our Father was wrong to choose you.

His faith in foolish men never ceases to amaze me.

Is this how you repay me after all I've done for you?

(ghouls gurgling)

This is gonna feel weird at first,

but then it'll feel good 'cause you'll get your souls back.

(laughs) When in doubt, skewer it out.

(dramatic music) (ghouls yelling)

What are you going to do?

Kill me? - No. Worse.

Klaatu barada nikto.

(ghouls groaning)

(blood squelching) (Bartok gurgles)

(ghouls moaning)

(ghoul yells)

I guess that's what you get for trusting

a psychic demon bitch.

(dramatic music)

[Onyx] Hmm.

Now's the time, Onyx, what I spoke about in your dreams.

- What? - Your destiny,

the way forward for you, for us.

Woah! You mean like a sexy way forward?

If the Fortuitous One joins with a demon,

they can take Abaddon's power and rule together

as kings and queens in hell.

Uh, when you say join with a demon, you mean to like

get married? - Fuck.

Oh, fuck. Okay, right, got it.

So reign with you in hell and leave my friends behind,

or stay here with them and be without my demon bride.

I knew it was you all along.

I know you could feel me too,

guiding you, pulling you through.

Stay with me, Onyx.

Together, hell can be what we make of it.

Slave to no master, a kingdom of our very own.

But-

(ghouls moaning)

My friends.

This is our last chance, Onyx.

Be with me now or leave me and forever be my enemy.

(suspenseful music)

I'm sorry, Farrah,

but I can't rule with you in hell.

My place is here.

With my-(dramatic music)

With what? A band of losers, know nothings?

Is that what you want over loyalty and exaltation?

Then take your rightful place as the leader

of the forever forsaken ugly fuck-ups.

Farrah!

Farewell, Onyx the Fortuitous.

Until we meet again in your nightmares.

(Farrah growls)

(dramatic music)

Ah, you're better off without her, Fortuitous One.

- Yeah, I think you're right. Oh, shit.

(laughs) Y'all transformed. That's fucking tight.

That is fu-, that's, that's tight (laughs)

Yeah. And he's dead.

(liquid squelches) - [All] Aw. Huh.

(knocking) - (laughs) Hello?

Oh, come on. Oh, you're so bad.

Welcome to Briardale Manor.

The fuck?

(kids laughing)

- (laughs) Ah, the children. (laughs)

This is our room of focus and meditation.

Currently our resident witch is using it to hone

their newfound insights and skills.

Hey.

Hi.

This is the study.

Here, you'll find volumes upon volumes of satanic writings.

If you've got a thirst for knowledge,

it can be quenched within these walls.

(Mr. Duke grunts)

But here is where we'll take our lunch.

A place set for everyone.

Ah, I'm being summoned. Excusez moi.

(bright music)

(Nancy chuckles)

(bright music)

I'd be honored.

Oh, Mr. Duke.

Wonderful. (laughs)

(all gasping)

♪ I would do anything for love ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I would do anything for love ♪

♪ But I won't do that ♪

He's your kid, not mine.

(all laughing)

♪ No I won't do that ♪

I love dancing!

Dancing gets you loose!

When? When do we get our revenge?

Soon. But we must have patience.

We must wait until the time is right.

And when it is, we make his life a living hell.

Understand? - Yes, master.

As you wish, master.

♪ I would do anything for love ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I would to anything for love ♪

♪ But I won't do that ♪

♪ No I won't do that ♪

(music continues)

(music continues)

(music continues)

♪ I would do anything for love ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I would do anything for love ♪

♪ But I won't do that ♪

♪ No I won't do that ♪

(dramatic music)

(mellow music)

(mellow music continues)

Maybe I'm not Mark who works at Arby's.

Maybe I'm Onyx the Fortuitous, slayer of the bright realm.

I dunno.

I do hope his eyes gaze upon me

and that my allegiance is recognized, I dunno.

Notice me, Senpai, notice me.

No, I didn't wash my shirt in between shifts, Masha.

So what if I smell like roast beef?

This whole place smells like roast beef.

As I stared into the darkened void,

imagining the hordes of devils soon to spring forth,

I couldn't help but ponder,

how deep does that hole go?

I was sitting on the orange velvet couch

watching "Catteries Not Included" when suddenly

an arousingly confident Gadget Hackwrench appeared

and asked for my help in fixing

the ever-beleaguered Screaming Eagle.

I don't know. I acquiesced.

And as I handed her the hog ring pliers, her fuzzy digits

grazed mine, and in that moment, truly, I was woke.

But with one last look of a warrior's accord, we vaulted,

vaulted higher than Meat Loaf's motorcycle

bursting through the devilish graveyard's stony sod,

and just like the Loaf, we soared.

And just like the Loaf, we sang.

♪ Like a bat outta hell ♪

♪ I'll be gone when the ♪ morning comes ♪

♪ When the night is over, ♪ like a bat outta hell ♪

♪ I'll be gone, gone, gone ♪

(mellow music)

(mellow music continues)

(bright music)

(bright music continues)

(intense music)

(intense music continues)

(intense music continues)

(ethereal music)

(ethereal music continues)

(ethereal music continues)

(majestic music)

(majestic music continues)

(majestic music continues)

(majestic music continues)

(no audio)