Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, let's close the show.

Good night, viewers.

-Bye-bye. -Thank you.

-Look interesting. -Thank you, children.

-That was great. -Fucking hell.

Fuck!

Really?

-Was it you? -No, I didn't laugh.

When this vuvuzela played, it was terrifying,

because you don't know if you're going out or not.

I don't know if anyone won that competition,

but I know someone lost.

Trevor.

Howzit?

So...

-Let's see who's getting a card. -Please.

-No. -Here we go.

Oh, no, face. Come on, face.

-Tha-booty! -That's a smile.

She's a goner.

-That's a smile. -That's a smile.

That's a smile.

-Jam Alleyway for the win. -Yes!

To have the red card like this is a damn shame.

-Another knockout. -Tha-booty!

See you in a few seconds.

That's my man.

Make me proud.

Bye. Well done, baby.

Oh, no!

I think what happened is, I got stuck in nostalgia.

I was in Jam Alleyway, and I became the character.

Damn, again.

Who did that?

I did!

Like a true thespian, Thando leaves the game by laughing in character.

And now, for the final four.

Lasizwe, Jason, Tumi and Glen.

-Damn, man. -Hey!

-I was having so much fun! -Hey!

I was having the time of my life.

So were we. So come and join me.

I'm not normal anymore. I'm not the same.

I'll never be the same.

The Thando that entered the house

is definitely not the Thando that left the house.

Remember this, people. Glen has nothing.

No card. No yellow. No red.

Right? Lasizwe, yellow.

Tumi Morake, yellow.

Jason, no cards, nothing.

All right, let's get this game started.

Here we go.

Oh, my God, no, please.

Oh, shit! Oh no!

So much penis.

I've had so much dick today.

Too many dicks is a very funny subject.

I are wanting to share with you...

Colored dicks.

Some two, three, or four secrets to pleasure.

Okay.

The person who understands this more than all of you

is, of course, Lasizwe.

Do I get to come on stage?

Well, hopefully not.

That is rude and disgusting.

-That's a pun on cum. -Come, privately.

We have here, the standard, normal penises and Fleshlights,

which I'm not going to sell to you today because I know you're on a budget.

All right.

I do think this is a good one to consider, will never let you down.

Eskom cannot touch you.

On this one, glows in the dark.

Load-shedding for when you shed your load.

-I like that. -I like it.

This is an example of what happens

when you overuse a dildo.

True story.

A lady in the hospital,

they had to extract a dildo stuck all the way inside her pelvis.

Are they teeth on the end of it?

-Condoms are expensive. -Right.

If you have cling-wrap,

-and you have Vicks... -Yeah.

-Sorted. -There you go.

Again, gags are planned for a full room.

Is there anything else to this joke, or...

There's nothing else because there are no women.

-I was gonna name things after people. -No, you did well.

Are these secondhand?

I think this one will be 'cause he's a rich kid

and he likes fancy shit.

It's also secondhand, so it's pre-owned.

-It's pre-owned. -It's cheaper.

I just need a little bit of a vibration

'cause I could see there was something with a vibrator.

I'm like, "If I can just hold it so that shock can just like...

You get me, like...

Just to... Little... You know?

Because I'm suffering.

This is a bloody lull, we need to do something.

Comedy gods, hear us.

Your wish is my command.

Let's get a live update on the situation from our OG on the spot,

Trevor Gumbi.

-It's Trevor... Gumbi. -My God, it's over.

-Trevor Gumbi, ladies and gentlemen. -Oh, no.

Okay, like, guys, you've been throwing bombs at us.

Generally speaking, I'm tired now, like, "Trevor Gumbi, what are you doing here?"

Four, three, two. Ladies and gentlemen,

-I think it's a news broadcast. -Shit!

From Gomora to Gqeberha,

I am Trevor Gumbi with the breaking news for Noah News Network.

We come here to a scene of a crime.

Just now we had a very bad joke committed

by the one, the only, Tumi Morake.

It's over. Okay.

Tumi Morake, if you could please come join me, both of you.

Beautiful.

"Tumi Morake, can you come join me, both of you."

You owe not only the sex workers of this country an apology,

you owe the people who use such apparatus,

both male, both female, all of thems.

I'm this close to cracking.

But please, respect the people who do use them

and apologize directly to them at home.

Oh, boy.

I'm glad I'm not in the house while Trevor Gumbi's in the house

because that would've sent me packing.

Just because I have rejected your penis doesn't mean I don't need...

That was one time, we were young.

Carry on with your apology to the nation, please.

I am sorry that the deeds of your cunchanchas

were perhaps misrepresented.

Thank you very much.

Although Jason Goliath does have a shallow anus,

it doesn't mean he does not use such apparatus.

A shallow anus!

And he was shopping for these apparatus, both with Lasizwe,

for the use of what they call in the industry

"Ghanaian double-ended dildos."

I love seeing everybody's tactic to try and avoid a laugh.

At least I made it to the top four, guys.

It's been real.

It's over.

Thank you very much. For Noah News Network, I am Trevor Gumbi.

-Beautiful. -Good night.

-Thank you. Goodbye. -Unbelievable.

He's a scary person. He's a scary comedian.

You don't wanna be an audience member when he's on stage.

I didn't know Trevor Gumbi was still alive.

What?

Glen!

Okay, I'm gonna breakdance.

Aren't you 33?

Are you in your thirties?

I wanna play the game with you, hold on.

-Did you see my breakdance? -I missed it, do it again.

I'm like, oh, my goodness, gosh, baby.

Just stop this game.

Trevor, press the buzzer.

He is going crazy.

Press the buzzer, it's enough now!

You know, so I'm like...

-Mojak? -Yeah?

-I'm gonna need you to go in. -I'm ready when you are.

-Go back in. Back from the dead. -Let's dance.

I get the word from Trevor, he wants to spice things up.

I gather all my bits.

You're back.

Déjà vu.

-Look at this. -Not him again.

I put on this random kind of smoking jacket and make my way in.

Here we go, we're gonna honor Nelson Mandela. Glen.

All right.

Mandela at Cresta Shopping Mall, and his card has just declined.

-Oh, shit. -Love it. Love it.

Let me try another one. Let me try another one.

Shit, that was so fucking close.

Yeah. Nelson Mandela's trying to chat up a girl at Taboo.

I'm gonna die in this room. I feel it.

Baby, dial me.

4-6-6-6-4.

The improv is getting us moving.

I can feel the...

Like the machine is starting to work again.

I'm Mandela from 2023.

You know, we have social media.

Do you have social media?

Which one are you on? I'm on the World Wide Interwebs.

Does the Wi-Fi work there?

That's funny.

Lasizwe's Mandela is like...

Yeah, I love Lasizwe's Mandela.

He's like Michael Jackson.

Do you know what I realized?

After a long walk...

-That's good. -...you might need some assistance.

Mandela.

We're battling for the Last One Laughing Championship,

anything goes.

We're gonna drop a beat, we need you to spit some bars.

Are you guys ready?

-Yes. Are you ready? -Come on, yeah!

Here we go! Yeah, spit your bars. Here we go.

Howzit, my name's David...

Go, David.

I'm from Linksfield

My parents sent me to King David's

Last time I was up on a stage Was my bar mitzvah...

Yes.

I threw things down That were from the Torah

Things were crazy When we moved out of home

But we moved into a bigger house So everything was actually fine

But for a second, I thought we were gonna Move into a smaller house

Give it up, baby!

Can I get a purr?

Purr!

Can I get a period?

Period!

Can I get a...

Yo, yo

My pussy fresh

-Okay. -Okay. Keep it going.

My pussy squeaky

All right. Clean. It's a squeaky pussy.

Pussy needs a renovation

Pussy needs a co-co-vation

I think I'm really rashish

-What? -Did you say you were really racist?

-No, rashish. Rashish. -Rashish.

Because I've got rashes

You've got rashes.

That's not fun.

-Jason! -Go on.

I keep getting babies

I keep getting pregnant

That's just 'cause I'm fresh, baby And I give it naked

-I'm in love. I'm in love. -Yo!

I can afford it, though

Don't worry about SASSA, though

I ain't faking, though

Don't ask me to give you a period

You never gettin' that shit, baby

I don't know what you were expecting

I ain't no rapper, but I be trapping

Moving around this godforsaken room

Time is standing still But I'm driven by my will

Mojak came in He's tryin' to make me smile

Who would've thought that Lasizwe Would be rocking the dial

You be smelling things That haven't even spilt on you yet

Don't you forget, Glen

Atchar is hard to get out of your clothes

Yo. I'll be here all day.

-That was... -Damn!

That was...

-Let's have a glass of wine. -Have a glass. Thank you, everyone.

-I'm gonna have a glass of wine. -That was worse than expected.

Mojak coming back was almost like...

Imagine somebody that you'd lost in a competition,

they died and you didn't really cry at their funeral,

then they came back to haunt you, but they weren't even scary.

Gather 'round, gather 'round. If you could kindly be seated.

Gather 'round.

What I would like to do now I think is a homage piece.

Something to maybe bring the next generation

into the simplicity and the beauty.

So, allow me to present an experience

taking you back in time to the history

of the humble kaka.

That is fantastic.

That is an expensive piece of art department.

That's an expensive gag.

When my wife goes, I don't know if it's a number one or two

because I think she's got a nozzle she can direct to the side.

-With men, however, we're not scared. -Here we go.

We get in there. We pull our pants all the way down. We take our time.

Very simple rules, is when you get in there,

you've got to make sure the access points are clear.

So, don't just sit down on the pot.

No.

No.

What you have to do is you have to separate.

-You've got to open, and click. -Open. That's fucking funny.

Open again, and click again.

What this does is it clears the traffic. If you have problems

I've never thought of, like shallowness, I'd assume that this would help.

Fantastic.

To make sure that the kids at home don't have any problems,

I've prepared a little song.

Don't be silly.

-Okay. -Oh, fuck. That's funny.

Hello.

My name is Mr. Kakaracha.

That's so stupid.

I'm here to teach people that if you don't look after your guts,

one day your guts won't look after you.

You won't...

-How much more is there? -Yeah.

It's just 'cause he's very... I don't like his face...

-You're talking rubbish. -That almost got me.

-Sit down. -Yeah, okay.

I don't like it one bit.

Oh, man. That puppet.

Please make a noise if you want me to talk face to face.

Let's speak to him face to face!

-Let's do it. -Mano-a-mano.

We're about to lose Glen.

-Do you know what "nip it" is? -Nip it, like cut it in half and then...

-That's funny, I've never heard... -You've got to pinch it.

-Yeah, pinch it. -You pinch it.

-Pinch it. -You save for later.

And he's just hammering me, and I'm just trying everything.

I'm trying everything I can to turn him away.

Oh, my God, this is so fucking funny because his eyes are squint.

-Yep. Yep. -His eyes are squint.

My eyes are not squint.

It's supposed to be him, druk'ing a kak a kuck, you know,

-because if my eyes are normal... -Oh, God.

Here we go. Let it go, Glen.

-Let it go, Glen. Let it go, baby. -Let it go.

-You know you need to. Let it out, baby. -There I go.

Glen, just go, baby. Give it to me, baby.

What was your worst kaka experience, as an adult?

-Come on, Glen. -Just let it go, you're hurting yourself.

-You're hurting yourself. -Piss off.

Literally, Glen.

As for you, Lasizwe, nobody understands how.

-Look him in the eyes. -To make you laugh!

Glen was breaking.

Jason doesn't have stamina.

It feels like what everyone needs right now is a special guest,

so Thando is coming back from the dead.

My name is V-Girl

And I'm here to save the world

Not just Chiawelo, not just Sandton

I'm a hero to us all

Vagina

Vagina

Vagina

Man makes the train

But the V makes the man

So who-who, really made the choo choo

iKuku man

Vagina

I was so glad I could that everyone could meet V-Girl.

I worked really hard on V-Girl.

Excuse the pun.

I'm a giver of life I'm a giver of pleasure

-That was beautiful. -Thank you.

How hot is it right now,

and you're wearing a whole VV?

From The Vagina Monologues to the vagina musical.

-Glen? I need you to touch me again. -Yes.

-Okay, there you go. -Oh, my God!

-That was close. Damn. -That was so good.

She squirted.

It was just a mess, literally.

You just get that reaction all the time, you know?

-Was this your first time? -I've had that once before.

-Once? -And it was with Lasizwe.

Which was weird because...

I didn't know you had a vagina.

-I do. -What is this part of the vagina called?

What is it? Tumi, you have a vagina, help me.

That's a funny thing.

That was me, I had to eject the situation,

gather myself

and regroup.

-I thought you also had a vagina. -No, mine is artificial.

What's yours?

Lasizwe's funny, man.

-Oh, my God, you're so experienced. -Come on.

My name is V-Girl And I'm here to save the world

Not just Sandton, not just Chiawelo

I'm a hero to us all

-That's me. -That's your cue.

No, you didn't. No, you didn't.

That's funny. That is a funny thing.

That's a funny thing you're doing.

-It's a very funny thing. -That's funny.

Thando Tha-booty.

Tha-Vagina, to you.

-Love you. -Till we meet again, my love.

-That was something. -That...

That was something.

Okay, time to shake things up a little bit.

Same one.

-Trevor Noah. -Look at these faces.

I've not seen you in what feels like forever.

Yes.

I'm going, "Who did what? What did I miss?"

'Cause I'm definitely sure it wasn't me.

So, there's no violation.

-Okay. -That's the good news.

The bad news is we're close to the end of the game,

and so the stakes have gotten a lot higher.

-Right. -Right? So...

Being on Last One Laughing means you have to make other people laugh

as well as not laugh yourself.

Thirty-minute warning.

-Yeah. -If, in the 30 minutes,

nobody has laughed,

the people who'll progress

will be those who have made people laugh the most.

God damn it.

Fuck!

Having made the most people laugh, Glen and Tumi are in a strong position.

But Lasizwe and Jason will both need to score some last-minute laughs

to stay in the game. It's crunch time.

This is an insane situation.

It's like that last over, you know, that six balls, and we need 30 runs.

You're not worried about the singles,

you wanna hit a six with every single ball.

All right, let's go.

That music is funny.

Don't play with my pogo like that.

Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

Before any further ado,

welcome up to the stage, Mr. Jason Goliath.

I think to myself, if Jason sits on this whoopee cushion and farts,

either he's gonna laugh or they're gonna laugh.

All right, have a seat, sir.

That did not work.

That was a whoopee cushion underneath there.

But it didn't work.

How you been doing since I last saw you? It's been a while.

Glen, things have been looking up for me.

That's all we have time for, ladies and gentleman.

Please welcome and say goodbye to the incredibly talented Jason Goliath.

I'm Glen Biderman-Pam on The LOL Show, good luck and away we go.

They don't make whoopee cushions like they used to.

-Yeah! -Do you speak Afrikaans? Sit!

-Yeah. -Oh, my God, okay, speak with me.

Okay, let's go.

Good morning, how are you?

I'm great, how are you?

Yeah.

Have you had a drink?

Lasizwe corners me and I think, "Okay, here we go. This is it."

My mom and dad travelled in a blue car to Cape Town...

Oh, shit.

...and we went into the shops to buy some wine.

We need to get the ball rolling.

-That's... -No, no, no.

That's not going to work with me.

Again, what the fuck?

-Okay. Sit, sit, sit. -Okay.

But at that stage, it's a war zone.

You're just trying to...

You're trying to defend and attack at the same time.

Don't you want to come sit here?

Here we go.

-Again? -That's funny.

-Welcome to Reiger Park Police Station. -Yes.

Take your seat.

if I was ever in a zombie apocalypse, I'd want Jason Goliath with me.

He'll fight to the end, right?

He'll fight until the last moment. Look at him go.

Someone who doesn't wear underwear in a common situation like this

is very much prone to going for the R and not flushing that R.

Do you know what happens?

When you go there, my friend, it's like a rotisserie.

They're going to baste you. They will baste you slowly!

My mother used to say this,

is that in life, whenever you find a hole,

make sure that you jump into it.

And I think Jason spotted a hole in me, and is now trying to...

This small hole, he's trying to...

That's nasty, but, like, you get what I'm trying to say.

Some people carry rosemary into the prison, do you understand?

You're exciting him, though.

Tumi, why are you so concerned?

He should've continued.

Jason.

Stamina, dawg!

-Fuck. I must remember... -You don't remember?

Look, here come the pigs.

Here come the police.

How did you do it?

How did you make it?

You just went like this. Yes, I'll lick you boy.

This guy is utilizing everything in his power, and it's getting to me.

I say it's you.

-Are you sure? -You're going to jail.

Yo, don't talk to me like that. What you gonna do about that?

-Shit. -Is that your tronk voice?

Yeah.

Fuck it, that's wild.

It's about to be real. Like, sweetie. I can feel it, right?

-What's gonna happen in this one, right? -Time's up.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Here we go. Off you go.

So, Jason and Lasizwe, well done.

But, unfortunately, it wasn't enough.

The two people who will be moving to the next round

are those who have made the most people laugh,

and those two people are Glen and Tumi.

What?

So, the two of you out, two of you are staying.

Your slates have been wiped clean, and we're moving on to sudden death.

The next laugh takes it all.

-You've got 30 minutes. -Thank you.

Say goodbye, make it quick. Good luck.

Thank you.

Cheerio, mate. Love you lots.

-You, my friend... -Thank you.

...are the most surprising human being and you continue to surprise me.

It was a proud moment being able to make it to the top four,

and an even prouder moment, I think, to, you know, fall on my sword

with Lasizwe at my side.

Let's go together.

Come.

Like this.

Bye, guys.

-I'm not even looking back. -Yeah.

-I never want to see that room again. -Yeah.

The only thing I want to see is friends and kind people.

Round of applause for Lasizwe!

-You killed so hard. -Take a bow, baby.

-Well done. -Well done, you guys.

It felt so good to be in that room and everyone's like, "Hey!"

They're like, "Hey!"

It's not fun eliminating two tough competitors who gave it their all,

but that's the game.

With Tumi causing two laughs and Glen causing three,

they are the strongest players and are through to the last half hour.

Now, their slates are wiped clean as it comes down to the wire.

One more laugh will end the game and decide our winner.

And here it is, people, the final game.

-All the best. -All the best.

There you go.

-This is how peacocks eat. -Yeah.

Have I ever shown you traditional Sotho dance?

Now this is when people start, like, showing their desperation.

Is that really how you ask me?

All you need to do is make this person laugh.

I'm gonna go change.

We know each other's clowns too damn well.

I'm going to add a therapist onto my invoice.

Let's do this on behalf of those who are no longer with us.

Right.

Shall we have a shot?

Not yet.

That's funny.

I'm not going to avert my eyes 'cause that would be cheating.

Honestly, I don't even know who's gonna win between the two of them.

I'm proud of myself for hanging in there,

and not laughing at Bra Gibbs.

Okay, cool. So, my name is Zander.

I'm from Pretoria. I'm a graphic designer.

I have to play an entire song to Tumi Morake

in a Bra Gibbs outfit, doing this.

But I'm giving myself a headache with this damn squint,

so now I have to give it up for a minute.

You can't really find this on the major platforms,

you can only find this on Winamp and USB sticks.

-Winamp and USB sticks? -So, here we go.

My name is Zander

People don't greet in songs anymore

I'm going to sing in Isizulu

Thank you very much

I'm not trying to be cool-oo

I'm just singing in Zulu

About Walter Sisulu

I love Glen's character of Zander.

It's really funny.

It's just being done at the wrong time.

Old man

"Old man!"

Lots of respect.

What do you call...

What do you call...

I did all my jokes, did all my sets, did all my accents.

What do you call when you run out of...

Just a character?

That's a good character.

Barely hanging on for dear life.

One minute remaining.

Try animals!

What about a little bird?

Just a little...

Glen looks like he's also losing it mentally.

I'm worried about my friend.

What sound does a giraffe make?

-A giraffe when it falls. -That's funny.

That's good. I thought it made...

Why would it make that?

Man, she's unbreakable.

Ten seconds.

Hey, your people can send an e-mail, Glen.

You people can send a fucking e-mail and then you CC and you BCC.

To whom it may concern.

And that's it.

Time's officially up.

-All right. Let's do this. -Yeah.

No, you guys CC and BCC like a mofo.

To whom it may concern.

Nicely done.

Well done. Well done.

Hey, you!

-What happened? -What happened, guys?

What happened? The final two.

-They threw everything at you. -Well done.

-Absolutely everything at you. -We tried.

What just happened?

You didn't break. You didn't crack. You didn't faint.

Everything, guys. There were penises.

There was atchar, there was licking,

there was singing, there was dancing, there was more penises.

-There was Trevor Gumbi. -There was... Trevor Gumbi.

There was Oskido. There was... Nothing.

-At the end of the game... -Yeah.

...there are not one but two trophies.

-Yeah! -Congratulations, people!

The Last One Laughing: South Africa champions!

Tumi Morake and Glen Biderman-Pam. Congratulations.

You did it! Together!

Last woman standing.

Well done.

You know, they always say that a draw is like kissing your sister,

and in this way, it's good.

LOL champions!

Damn, like they really deserve it.

They pushed throughout, so congratulations to them!

Well done.

Tumi, a legend.

No book about South African comedy

can ever be written without the name "Tumi Morake"

in bold, capital letters.

Glen Biderman-Pam, one of the most underrated performers,

never mind comedians, performers on the planet.

A world-class boss of a human being.

Tumi, in many ways, is my sister.

We've been through a lot together

and if there was anyone in there

that I would want to kiss metaphorically,

in a draw, it would be her.

Last One Laughing: South Africa.

The last two laughing, because neither of them was gonna break.

They did it, the charity still gets the money,

and I hope you got to laugh.

Thanks so much for watching.

And if you wanna catch anything behind the scenes,

hit the X-Ray button.

We're gonna go sleep and drink something, and maybe clean this up.

Come on!